Discernment
The night March came in, I found myself suddenly awake, a voice in my ear:
{DISCERNMENT}
There was no doubt that this was an instruction
in addition to all the other things it could be;
a suggestion, an approach, a clue, a puzzle piece, a quality of spirit,
a reminder about presence and grace, wonder and awe, holy holiness.
March had arrived, the month of Pleasure,
and my (ha!) marching orders were here too
time to apply Discernment
in my search for Pleasure,
in my relationship with Pleasure.
The (ongoing) practice of being okay with not knowing.
Sometimes the name which comes in — for a month, for anything,
feels too distant, inaccessible, unobtainable, unknowable,
and familiar thought-patterns kick in:
frustration, hopelessness, the monster chorus of
what’s the point and why even bother trying.
Last year, February was the month of Sanctuary,
spent preparing to exit my home of the past eight years,
with no idea as to where I might be headed,
and no funds to get there, wherever it might be,
all of which felt like EXACTLY THE OPPOSITE OF SANCTUARY.
Last March was the month of Lusciousness and I felt pretty sure no one
could ever have had less of a connection to Lusciousness than I did
in that lonely month of isolation and dread.
March was just the opening of the door…
but who knows what would have happened had we not opened it,
and so I glow endless love and appreciation for me of last March
she was so brave and didn’t even know it
What does this remind me of?
Ah, that disorienting feeling of walking a labyrinth
getting farther and farther away from center as you move towards it.
Naming the month asks for big trust.
More about this
(1) The main thing I learned in the month of Sanctuary last year:
Sanctuary doesn’t necessarily always exist in a physical space at all times.
It is more about the approach of how I scoop up tiny-me and scared-me,
meeting myself and all of my selves with great tenderness,
devoting myself to feeling at home in myself
and in my world,
how I tend to my internal and external space
each choice I make to protect myself, treasure myself,
to welcome all aspects of me, make space for what I need.
(2) Similarly, the month of Lusciousness taught me this:
I need to prioritize Lusciousness,
it isn’t just going to come in on its own because I asked,
and I need to believe that I am enough,
my existence is enough of a reason to celebrate my body,
receive pleasure, luxuriate in softness,
savor everything worth savoring.
Mystery
Right now I’m staying in an RV park in the desert,
covered in red dust, showering twice a week at most,
my daily life might not look particularly luscious from the outside,
but I feel Lusciousness all around me, I take sensual delight in everything,
spices, taste, scent, anticipation, the rush of wind on the back of the motorcycle,
the breath-taking sunsets, walking under the stars.
Often the theme of the month is more of an indication
of what I need to seek, or learn about, or come to terms with.
The glowingly beautiful quality of the month doesn’t necessarily
just show up when I ask for it, though then again sometimes it does.
The name invites me to delve into the mystery,
that is part of the magic of naming things.
Right on time
Delayed reaction is normal — I spent January devoted to Prowess,
studying it, inviting it into my life,
but I didn’t know how to feel Prowess, to embody it,
until suddenly last week when it just arrived.
I didn’t get it until I did.
Until it landed and it was mine.
Right on time.
not because January was the wrong time
January was the right time to let Prowess be the north in my compass,
and last week was the right time to wear it like a garment that was made for me, breathe it in and breathe it out, in my element.
What else do I know about this?
All that to say that I think I don’t know about Pleasure
but clearly I know more than I think I know,
and future me who has already passed through this door
will know so much more about it than I could possibly imagine,
she is asking me to march into pleasure with her,
to meet her on the other side.
Discernment goes well with Pleasure
This is about yes to my yes,
my brave and hopeful yes,
and paying attention to each no that redirects me
back to yes.
This is how I distinguish between
the perceived pleasure of what Jen Louden calls shadow comforts
and the real echoing-and-reverberating full-self Pleasure
of those sensations and experiences which truly excite me and bring me joy.
What do I know about Pleasure
Sometimes I forget that I am allowed to be
the Wild Sensualist, to crave sensation and value delight,
to listen intently to my desires, to be my own light source.
Sometimes the door to Pleasure is Permission,
including permission to want it.
What do I not yet know about Pleasure
That I get to embody this every day,
not just in tiny moments, but in everything I do,
pleasure is mine for the taking,
it just requires a shift in what I define as pleasurable
and how much I pay attention to body and breath.
What else do I know about Pleasure
Setting and view enhance pleasure
sometimes this requires a dose of change your place change your luck
I take pleasure in
the way the scruffy mountain man smiles at me and rests his hand on my knee
pleasure in walking with Prowess
under the stars
dance, dance, dance, more dance, movement,
pleasure flying through Zion on the motorcycle
pleasure in the music
pleasure in the quiet
pleasure in touch, taste, the fullness of sensation
pleasure in sleep and in waking
pleasure in adventure and not knowing what is next
(last year this terrified me, now it tastes like freedom)
What else do I not yet know about Pleasure
I can’t wait to find out…
Come in, come in, superpowers of Turning Fiery
I am turning fiery (last week I was flirty-nine, tomorrow I am fiery),
and Pleasure and Fiery go together,
also Prowess and Reflection.
The superpowers of Turning Fiery / Being Fiery / Becoming Fiery include:
Total Fucking Badass
I Know How To Be My Own Light Source
It’s All Beautifully Clear
True To My Yes / Yes To My Yes
Surprise Good Fortune Everywhere
Ease of Provisions
It Brings Me Joy To Know (And Ask For) What I Want
The Key Was In My Pocket This Whole Time
I am Fierce and Fearless
Standing In My Powers
I Reflect Light
I Take Pleasure In Pleasure
I Am My Own Pleasure-Delivery System
The Pleasure Is All Mine, If Ya Know What I Mean
Regal AF
Reflecting on Pleasure
There is so much I want to say about Pleasure,
and its subversive ability to fuel things,
about its role in the Resistance, its role in Revolution,
how it is a form of radical self-love
how it is a door to presence and play
and all the extraordinary things of life and aliveness.
But instead I am going to devote this month to
learning and studying, feeling and perceiving,
noticing how (and where) I position myself in relationship to Pleasure,
watching how I interact with this gorgeous door.
Good Expands
The superpower of the month of Pleasure is GOOD EXPANDS,
this to me is about Trust and Plenty, Trust in Plenty,
but also about making room,
which brings me back to Discernment and
last month’s wish about tabula rasa and letting things burn.
I want to follow pleasure like a path, I want to put my ear to this door
and listen.
I want to enter this new door and this new decade of my life
with curiosity, playfulness, sparks, radical self-treasuring, sweetness,
full trust in my glow
and my yes.
Marching towards Pleasure, with Pleasure, for Pleasure,
and for what I believe in,
which is a lot,
come march with me,
and I mean this in all senses of the word,
with Discernment and Prowess,
with certainty in what is right,
and hope about what is possible,
because we are the mighty mighty pleasure crew,
and there is so much to experience-learn-heal-undo,
and Pleasure is quite possibly the most unlikely and subversive door to walk through,
so here we go and here we are…
May it all be so, or something even better, amen.
Postscript!
Last chance to get some or all of the truly fantastic ebooks from the new year sale in the gift shop though not for long. I especially recommend the Illumination of Qualities if you want to work on Prowess and force-field strengthening — I find that skimming the beautiful words and qualities helps me connect with them and remember them throughout my day. Glowing love and appreciation your way, thank you for being a part of this with me in whatever way you can.
Invitation: come play with me…
You are invited to share this post and to share many !!!!!! about what is here,
Or share appreciation or anything sparked for you while reading…
You can also share how things have been going, check in, or deposit wishes, gwishes, superpowers, qualities, ingredients, possibly in code.
Safe space for creative exploration asks us to let go of care-taking and advice-giving.
Everyone belongs. We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. We lovingly refrain from giving advice.
And of course it’s always okay to comment under a made-up name, whether for play and delight, or in the interest of Safety First.
Wishes and checking-in are never late because whenever you wish is the right time for wishing.
We remember that people vary and my process doesn’t have to be yours, and this is a good thing.
Here’s how we meet each other: with great kindness and appreciation and awe, whispering (and sometimes shouting) oh, wow what beautiful wishes!
♡
Follow
You are already fiery here in Maryland.
Last night (which you’re still in), I re-read some of my blog posts from early 2010. At the time I wrote them, I felt rudderless and adrift. I had no idea all the changes that were coming, quite soon. I just had to let go of thinking I could predict anything.
Which was excellent actually. I had no idea how to achieve what I barely allowed myself to wish for. 7 years later, i’m doing so much more than I dared imagine.
All timing is right timing.
Seven years is a lot. This is a good reminder. No predicting, already fiery, trust in right timing, I’m on it. <3 <3 <3
Sending you sparkly-glow-fire for your Fiery-ieth birthday, dearest Havi!
My decade of Fire will be over soon and in a minute I will be Fiery-Trine and I think I am OK with this, because even though everything had to Fall Apart Big Time this decade, that had to happen so I could finally find my True Form and see behind all the Shadow Comforts to Where I Truly Stand. Being Grounded in Myself is the best gift I’ve ever had.
I am resonating muchly with the concept of opening doors & inviting in qualities even though I feel So Very Far from them. I named March The Month of Triumph, which makes the Monster Chorus laugh a lot, but I am Trusting the Door. And in fact I had a serious case of Tripping over the Books this weekend (almost literally: they were Permaculture magazines in fact) so the Door is Open and already showing me a Path.
Thank you thank you thank you, for this precious space, for sharing your wisdom, for all the Wishers who wish here. xxx
I love love love everything about this! And do you know I almost wrote about Triumph? Triumph is the motorcycle I am having adventures with, and I have been thinking so much about how the quality of Triumph combines all of my missions (learning how to celebrate myself, feeling powerful and of course Taking Pleasure). Triumph is like the embodiment of grounding and groundedness and Prowess for me. May it be a marvelously Triumphant month of good surprises, and a triumph-filled year of Fiery-Trine! xoxoxox
Welcome to Fiery, Havi! I am so happy to be part of your world.
My wish, here in this moment, is that deepening my pleasure is a path to deepening my power. I *know* this is true. I want to remember it, and to continue walking the path. Companions are welcome. <3
THANK YOU! What beautiful wishes (and beautiful path), it is definitely true, may we all feel it. I’m with you on this!
Happy Fiery celebration! <3
Mmmmmmmm.
Thinking about pleasure and presence. Pleasure upon pleasure. Presence upon presence. Fierce reality.
How it all fits together.
(humming in and out, maybe I’ll come and wish and chicken here soon xxx)
Mmmmmmmm.
Chicken chicken
The hard:
– brain slugs all over the place, feeling tired, unmotivated, not wanting to do things
The good:
– managed to go to the pub and not cry, go me!
– meeting imaginary friends from the internet (amazing how it turns out they’re real! every time!)
– other people, several times, taking the initiative to get in touch with me and arrange meetings up
– in fact, this is me having an actual social life while dealing with an infestation of brain slugs, go me, this is really quite impressive
– even the monsters have given up on telling me that people don’t like me
What worked:
– e-book reader
– giving things time
Cluck cluck cluck
Wishes.
Time and space. Rest. Replenishment. Not to be constantly catching up. Love. Presence. Remembering what any of this means, particularly where I didn’t know in the first place.
To see what’s really there.
Mmmmmmmm.
Oh wow what BEAUTIFUL wishes. May it be so!!!! <3
2 days ago, I deleted my Twitter account; yesterday, my LinkedIn profile.
I may need to write a blog post about what I’m discovering about myself, now that my human-social interactions have been drastically curtailed.
Reading philosophy, and the experiences of African American women professors in the early 1990s.
Decided the local-ish* writers’ conference i’d anticipated attending this summer is, regretfully, something I’m not ready for. Maybe next year. [*Next state over, a 4-hour drive] However, through it I discovered a poetry collection and its poet whose work I really enjoy.
Chicken. Hard and good is all intertwined.
The hard: knees hurt, body hurts, lover is AWOL but *here*, just not like, actually present. Every other day is some bonkers international incident and this is the ongoing {PTSD of 45} aka seriously though how is this happening. The news. All of the news. Street harassment, harassment, everywhere I go. Not sure what to do with any of the mysteries. No energy.
The good: motorcycle rides, spectacular beauty, dance, training, taking steps, listening, wanting, knowing, feeling, caring, setting, sunsets, stars, being a TFB Total Fucking Badass and liking it.
Calling on the superpowers of Fierce and Fearless, Fiery and Ready, Of The Earth, Good Surprises
<3 <3 <3
I think you need to go to Washington DC. We desperately need you to unleash some TFB on the powers that be.
Haha I will unleash from here and maybe it will pick up steam and a massive wave of TFB powers will hit DC! <3
Chicken chicken…
What’s been working?
–morning pages dammit
–sneaky steps towards being a morning person (what if I can just *decide* to be one?)
Next time I might
–experiment with earlier bedtime (SCIENCE!)
–take inventory: which systems are supporting me? Which ones aren’t?
Hard:
It occurred to me that I have been having too many monster thoughts, they are forming neural pathways that are developing ruts that will be harder and harder to shift (and that’s a monster thought too! Superpower of abandoning all unwanted ruts: ACTIVATE! There, that was easy.)
Good:
I am living in a beautiful house, in a neighborhood with lakes and wide-open skies and magnificent distant mountains. I am a creative and loving person who is a force to be reckoned with. There is more to me than the monsters see.
Mmmmm here’s to magnificence and a force to be reckoned with! And nice job on the advanced video game levels of monster noticing! Pretty sweet.
Chicken: I feel like a soft underbelly, but all over. A reminder to be gentle with myself, to be kind.
Clues: The key to “what I’m going through” is the word “through”. There is a way through this, of course.
Breathing thanks for this space and this month.
here’s to all the passaging powers of through, and ease of passage and gentleness and general, amen <3