the point isn’t getting my wish (though cool things have emerged from wishing), it’s learning about my relationship with wanting, accessing the qualities…
wanting can be hard, it is easy to feel conflicted about it, and the reasons for that make this a surprisingly subversive practice…
this is the 342nd consecutive week of wishing, come play!
a funny thing happened on the way to the something
let’s see if I can tell you about it
it may have to be a somewhat stilted telling though
I took myself, not too many minutes ago, to a cafe
(whose name I now find myself suddenly unable to tell you)
so that I could…compose this week’s Wishes
except upon beginning to type, I found myself stymied —
a quite vital key on my laptop is not functioning at all,
the one that follows Q
I kind of need that one
an enigma:
on the one hand this could be an amusing thing to mess about with:
what if I attempt to….dictate(?) this week’s wishes without the help of that
specific piece-of-the-alphabet
that is kind of a fascinating challenge
an aspect of me — who has chosen the code name Lucky Honey,
she thinks this is fun, she enjoys all haiku-like things,
these edges that define play
but Doubtful Havi thinks this is one additional example of
all the stupid and annoying things of life,
like how this laptop is so old, at least six,
and has been fixed multiple times,
and no, this does not feel like a fun challenge,
just the next indication of all things being fucked
theme
the intended theme of the this week’s wishes had been
What Do I Know About [thing I can’t type at the moment]
it begins with F, then my missing piece, then two Es, and D, O, M
also the theme of this month
I’m laughing now
because this is not the only time I have found myself avoiding
this concept
synonyms
I lived in tel aviv just on a decade
and managed in time to fake an almost-flawless accent
because passing has big advantages
but always, yes, a few things I could not teach my mouth to convincingly say
and one was the name of…let me attempt to tell you about it…
[it is alive and it flies and is small and you see it…two seasons post-fall]
[it is also the last name of Johnny Depp, in much eye kohl, as Jack _________ ]
in the language spoken in tel aviv
this name I can’t say/type is a common name given to boys
in addition to being this small flying being
that you see once it is not cold
and — get this —
it is also a SYNONYM to [begins-with-F ends-with-DOM]
aka the thing I meant to wish about today
so I am used to speaking about the edges of this
instead of the thing itself
used to avoiding, taking complicated paths to get
to the thing that needs saying
let’s get to know Lucky Honey
I like how she thinks about things
how she finds the luck inside of what looks to be not-luck
this is an ability I would like to have too
what does Lucky Honey know about being Lucky Honey?
- she is lucky
- she believes/knows she is lucky, which means she has fully assimilated All Is Well
- she is full of thankfulness to this [lucky] state, which she has chosen by committing to All Is Well
- she is sweet, and okay with sweetness
- she has a steadiness inside, no one can take advantage of this sweetness she has
- sweetness is also Suiteness, yes, she always has a home, a honeycomb, a hive, a cozy nest
- she lives at the Wishing Hotel, which is not a hotel at all (thanks, google, you knew what I meant even with bad spelling)
- she loves the shape of honeycomb, the hexagon that is a wheel and a compass, and if you take half of it, you get a shape you make in the dance that begins with FOX, a dance she and I both love
- she lives in the tiniest luckiest space
- she has a hidden studio, a tiny dance space and a clawfoot tub
- she is wildly lucky, and knows it, and says thank you a thousand times a day
- she has few possessions (and knows all the names)
- she seeds wishes
- she begins each quiet thought inside Lucky Honey headspace with “Luckily…!”
- she makes wishes and then waits until the [ways of help] show up
- she acts by way of letting go of that which is not yes
talk to me about luck, Lucky Honey
when my ancient maple toppled and fell in the winds
it left behind a massive tangled mess of stump and wood, immovable,
that the city demands we move within X days
luckily (yes) I live in the top west section of the united states,
a place that is in fact maybe much like you imagine:
full of tall people in plaid jackets who own giant chainsaws and old Dodge pick-ups,
and these people have been slowly coming by and taking away huge slices
to make bowls and such
and still so much is left
then, the day between two-days-ago and today,
an old man came to the house, I think he was an angel
like the man my mom thought was an angel
he spent the whole day, until past dusk,
with the huge stump and all its tangles and pieces
cake
I wanted to give him cake but I did not have cake
(note to self: always have cake in case of angels)
so I came out with a glass of something, and listened to him talk instead
at the end of the day it was all gone
he saved us at least $300
it’s kind of amazing
the luck of this
now all I have to do is plant a new [living being that is not a maple]
and put in new sidewalk because it all got pulled up
but maybe, who knows, I will find luck in this too
maybe, who knows, I will find luck in this too
I wish to inhabit this aspect of myself
I wish to become the me who believes in this luckiness
who sees good and potential-of-good, who delights in seeds
and unexpected openings
I wish to see fantastic unanticipated luckiness
in the unlikeliest of places
(a missing typing key becomes a game)
(a fallen maple invites an angel)
without making myself say thank you
if/when I don’t feel like saying thank you
just opening eyes and letting all of me open
opening in unison like unfolding petals to take in light
let me see what is good
let me find again the lost path of “ah yes all is well”
what else do I know about this?
hmm this bit may be challenging
you know how a BELL makes a sound that goes out
in waves…
it hums in space, and this hum is steady but also shakes
it shakes things up and moves between them
until the space above and below you and on all sides
the essence of this space changes
I believe, now, in this moment,
that choosing to think I have a kind of luckiness
(even if I don’t, just thinking I do)
can act as a bell inside of me and outside of me
the tool you use to open a bottle of wine
imagine it, holding it in hand, with love and intention,
poised above the bottle
it has a shape
a shape not unlike the sound of a bell doing its bell thing
in space
now imagine this is not made of metal
but is made of light
tightly packed glowing gems of light,
and imagine that instead of putting it into the top of a wine bottle
and following the action of the shape…
imagine that this light, this bell-sound is cycling in you,
down down down down
into the place below us, the place out of which a maple might come
I think choosing thankfulness
(because what is naming something luck if not acknowledgment-meets-thankfulness)
is a way to be a bell making sound inside of space and changing that space,
a way to feel this steady light cycling inside
changing the homes that house me:
my body, my home, my mind, all places that let love in (and out)
what do I know about my wish this week
this is not a wish about luck
this is a wish about knowing and deep faith,
about playing with what is
instead of attempting to make it be something else
I could fight with the keys of my laptop to get a solution I think
is the one needed
and I can also find a way to say all that needs saying in this moment
in my own quiet not-as-planned way
and find it lucky instead of limiting
okay, it is also possible that maybe I don’t find it lucky
but even then I can still make myself a bell
and hum my wishes into the space between us
and welcome what I want
by wanting it, by listening, waiting, humming, letting openings open
I want to call this devotion
but I could also call it hope
now
chamomile tea
(how lucky that they didn’t have any left
of the kind whose name begins with not-Q and not-S,
that would have made it difficult to tell you about)
the chainsaw-owning plaid-clad people can be seen at the cafe as well,
some in utilikilts, all in hats
plants on shelves
and a wall full of thank-you notes
it must be a theme, not just mine
let us say thank you again then as this is a gift too
superpower of I am here and ready.
january on the 2016 fluent self calendar is the door FREEDOM, and the superpower is I am here and ready
LUCKILY, this above bit was in the template and so all these difficult-to-say things have been said by past-me
last week’s wishes
I wished a wish about a SHAPE, a shape that I now cannot say, and this is funny, I can’t tell you the name of the wish but it had to do with safe glowing…
an amazing wish that came with its own luck
a wish about occupying the space of my life unapologetically
and being inside a hoop, like the sound of a bell,
and this was lucky too
invitation: come play with me…
(ah good past-me left this in the template too)
and, obviously, YOU can totally use the Between-Q-and-S
actually it’s Between E-and-T if we think laptop instead of alphabet
anyway, if you wish to leave a comment, you do not have to emit the thing
that I am omitting
unless you want to!
EDIT: ha, omit/emit, I can’t spell but that’s a lovely image
you are invited to share many !!!!!! about what is here,
or share anything sparked for you while reading
deposit wishes, gwishes, superpowers, qualities, ingredients, intel, possibly in code
safe space for creative exploration asks us to let go of care-taking and advice-giving
wishes are never late because whenever you wish is the right time for wishing
here’s how we meet each other’s wishes: oh, wow what beautiful wishes
♡
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This is a linguistic sensation, & also now I want a hot bath in a clawfoot bathtub, & a piece of cake.
(I will need to contemplate this again, as I was completely captivated by the joyful use of language!)
<3!
!!!!!!!!!!!
Such beautiful wishes.
I’ve been seeking Spaciousness this week, and yes, it has been finding me, and I have been finding it. An abundance of Spaciousness — may it continue.
And a wish for you as well, Havi Bell: may you always have all the keys you need. <3
haha, indeed, keys & keys! <3
When my creaky old laptop stopped producing a letter I just found a web page with the letter and copied it so I could paste it in, but writing around it seems so much more charming and clever. I am wishing, related-but-unrelated, for the return of my creative mind (or perhaps a new shiny one), because it seems to have gone on vacation since I moved to Bolivia.
that is such a wise solution that I did not even think of! good clue to me about Hello, Maybe An Obvious Solution!
Now I am thinking of adding angel food cake to my clew/shopping lists.
And also a Columbia Fireflies jersey. Because, glow!
And making bowls! I am not quite in the right (mind)(create)space for making bowls, but some twinges toward painting things (cracked railpots, forex) have been felt. Hmmm.
Last week I felt I had hit a fresh stride in studying/writing. This week, I feel like I’m barely limping through my must-dos. And yet the greens have been cooked, various deliverables marked, dishes scrubbed, etc. blah la-di-dah.
What do I know?
I want to nap for twelve hours and then read Frank O’Hara poems for three.
There is roast rabbit and raw bok choy in the fridge. I don’t really need to go to the store until next week unless I want fresh fruit.
It isn’t February until Monday. So I really have the weekend for things with a January 31 submit- or gather-by date. And those things are not mandatory, and I am not missing out forever if I choose writing over dancing or dancing over writing or sleeping over either of those.
Wafting warm wishes to all y’all.
My mom and I used to play a game where we could only say words that started with [a letter or two]… we usually picked M and D, so that we could say our names, and we could also say Mother and Daughter… this M/D symmetry always made me feel happy… and also our initials, plus my grandma’s initials, made a little rhyme that I would say to myself in a comforting way
(MGB/DGB/GBG)
I like the letter G a lot, maybe that is why
(that we three shared it)
I think it is my favorite letter
There are so many options with G
G can be explosive, like “GOTCHA!”
but G can also be so delicate, like “gentle, gentle…”
and of course, one needs G in order to giggle
or to snuggle
or to sigh…
or to hug
or be snug
oooo, also to Gwish! and to Go! and to Let Go…
Bravo!!! Brilliant!!! Impressive!!! Accolades using the missing key, and since I’m using it, may as well add SPARKLEPOINTS!!! What a joy to read this was, thank you. Especially for this:
“I want to call this devotion
but I could also call it hope”
That would be a beautiful epigraph to a novel, or the title of a radiant piece of sculpture, but in the meantime I will just savor it for its own humming beauty. May it be so!
Now to seed a wish of my own:
More radiance, internal and external. As much as I’ve always wanted to radiate love and light out into the world, right now (maybe always) it is sacredly important that I radiate love and light inwards. I am glowing love and appreciation into every cell of my body, every shadowy corner. I know enough now to know: the monsters in the shadows are the guardians of great power, I need only the courage – and devotion to practice – to light them up.
As always, gratitude for this space, your words, this community. <3 <3 <3
May there always be luck in the banana stand!
!!!!!!
that word
is my word today
too
and i celebrated it
by taking myself out for lunch
and then splashing in puddles
🙂
http://smg.photobucket.com/user/danni_bananni/media/IMG_2346_zpso6lgs0zm.jpg.html
A motif in my life is ‘how do I find the XesouXces I need?’ While wXiting moXning pages Wednesday, I Xealized… 1) taking a ‘stXaight path’ to anything is b-o-X-i-n-g, and haXd to leaXn fXom. Also, 2) obstacles => detouXs, which is usually *how* “magic” happens 4 me. If I didn’t *have* to detouX, I would’ve neveX gotten to the destination I didn’t know I had.
An odd soXt of ‘luck’, but… I’ll take it.
Now that I Xecognize the patteXn, can I welcome the obstacle? (Stop looking for help?) Let’s find out! 🙂
Lucky Honey!
(I find myself wanting to sing ABBA songs in the comments again: Lucky Honey, how she thrills me, a-ha, Lucky Honey…)
Wishes for this week, and ongoing:
– Learning how to rest. May it be an easy lesson.
– No feeling is final. May I know this in my bones.
– May it be received with love.
<3
oh joy. I am belled and so not as I was. but more so.
<3 <3 <3
My epiphany from this post: maybe a key is missing or out of place because it’s my time to explore and savor the richness in all the others.
mmmmm that is so lovely!
I am also loving this idea of keys (typewriter) and keys (doors) and keys (ideas? concepts? things that are needed?), and how maybe it is useful when they go missing
and I fixed the key! with a credit card! which has 2 Rs! and now I can write the word DOORS, which is the best word ever!
Oh I love Lucky Honey! Only she could turn the frustration of not being able to do the most basic function into a creative adventure and exploration!
A crazy but sad clue in a news article today. In the magnificent Great Barrier Reef, we have a sweet little orange fish called a damselfish (yes, a damsel fish) who’s growth is stunted because of the excess heat. Of course, when I first saw the headline, all I saw was dam(n) selfish, and I had to reread it several times to understand the actual story.
Now not to detract and make it all about me (yet doing exactly that *sigh*), I instantly heard (saw?) two things. One of course was Damn Selfish. And the other was, “if it’s too hot in the kitchen, get out!”
Back story. KinStruggles. Inequitable investment. Stress. Distress.
Whilst tis good to try, to invest, to fall and get back up again, to care deeply, to desire to give/invest without expectation of return, it is also Stupid to Keep Banging One’s Head Against a Brick Wall when it so clearly Hurts! And maybe we can be Damn Selfish AND sweet little orange fishies.
So this damn selfish damsel desires to get out of the too hot kitchen so she can stop stunting her growth.
And may dear little damselfish have cooler waters swirl around them.
(Hear, hear, to cooler waters!)
genious!!!
Hurray to fixing keys with credit cards! (Who knew?)
What I also didn’t say in my fascination for Lucky Honey, is that I love Doubtful Havi too. Though I don’t see her as doubtful per se, maybe more pessimistic and dark and brooding. I see her as sarcastic and eye-rolling and stamping her foot grumpily, as in “Enough of all this fuckery, already!” and “What, you think this is a freakin’ GAME?!”
To all the Lucky Honeys and [Pessimistic] Havis! Hurray for all our parts!
!! What beautiful wishes! And what luck!
And what a beautiful practice, writing around the thing that isn’t there. And then fixing it if it needs fixing!
And the description of resonance without using ‘resonance’ somehow opens it up in this beautiful way — this hum that is steady and yet changes and changes the space it is in just by humming. Yes!
And also this:
I want to call this devotion
but I could also call it hope
Beautiful. Thank you!