the point isn’t getting my wish (though cool things have emerged from wishing), it’s learning about my relationship with wanting, accessing the qualities…
wanting can be hard, it is easy to feel conflicted about it, and the reasons for that make this a surprisingly subversive practice…
this is the 362nd consecutive week of wishing, come play!
revealed
do we have convenient shorthand yet for this phenomenon
people reveal themselves immediately when they meet us
and then we either forget to file away that intel
or we neglect to give it the attention it deserves
— as maya angelou said,
with marvelous clarity, wisdom and sovereignty,
“when someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time” —
though actually I don’t mean that phenomenon so much as
a more specific pattern: a person shows up in your life and
a) immediately reveals a truth about themselves
b) you observe this moment as it happens
c) not only do you believe them, you observe your choice to do so
but then somehow suddenly d) that surprising moment of frisson when you
find yourself mysteriously and irrationally astonished
when they are in fact exactly who they said they are
they just told you they were
listening
and I don’t mean they hinted or implied
via metaphor or through their actions
I mean people will LITERALLY TELL YOU
like, “hahahaha I have paralyzing fear of saying what I want!”
and then later you find yourself wondering
how things got so messy so fast
(but, I mean, of course they did)
wondering where it all went wrong
when in fact nothing went wrong, it all went pretty much as expected
you’re just experiencing this thing I want to have a name, something like
Yup Surprised About That Thing Which Was So Clearly Indicated From The Beginning
what do I know about this or what do I want to say about it
I tend to focus so much on yes sparks but actually
a good clear NO is amazing
look at how that no just gracefully and elegantly extinguishes
all those other vague little distracting lights and
suddenly I see with enormous clarity
the beautiful path of oh okay this here is my spark right now,
and now I am free to follow that with no distractions
mmmm more about this amazing no please
- what if any situation that gives me a strong clear no is not only useful but good,
- actually: any new or additional intel on what I don’t want is good
- NO IS GOOD!
- ohmygod it is just now landing for me how true this is
- mmmm thank you for these no moments which are so useful, how have I never seen what a total unexpected blessing a no can be
- when everything around me is saying no or showing me my no, I think everything is wrong, but I can also think oh wow what big clarity about what I don’t want, aka Do-Overs Forever
- what if I stop perceiving no as rejection or a sign that I’m on the wrong path, and begin to see no as a direct door to freedom
NO makes SPACE
this past week — as a direct result of last week’s wish about
being an Italian heiress with a gang of metaphorical rabbits —
huge progress is being made on my secret basement studio
and I was finally able start taking things out of storage
after six months only to realize that I no longer
want or need most of my things that were big yes in January
Agent Spalding said:
“this is wonderful, now that you have space, you can make space”
Ways a no might make space!
- the no of chosen seclusion and zero input, for example when I avoid twitter, or hop on the bus to the coast and write all day
- the no of perceived rejection that is a gift, for example if I felt yes about someone who wouldn’t act on their yeses: this no reminds me that I am free, and being free means I don’t have to deal with that
- the no of releasing possessions I am no longer excited about makes literal space as well as energy/emotional space
- the no to running a business where so much of my work is uncompensated and to get paid, I have to constantly make stuff and put it in a vending machine, this no tells me it is time for a quiet revolution and I am glad for this no, because it inspires me to figure this out and try new things
- Esther Gokhale talks about rib anchors: you create length in the body not by sticking the chest out but tucking it in, which (surprisingly) makes space to soften your shoulders and you suddenly have so much more breathing room…
no sets you free
so rejoice over no
whispers wisest me
revel in your newfound freedom, she tells me,
whether it’s the no of someone else’s not-yes
or the no of things have changed, as they do
or any no at all
even the kind we are conditioned to believe definitely
says something bad about us
(like the kind that comes in an envelope in response to an application)
or the kind when you wish for one thing
and get something different
or even if you got down on bended knee and offered a ring
with a heart of PLEASE SAY YES
to a person or an experience or to a grand adventure in life
and you got something other than the yes that was the yes you wanted…
{rejoice over no}
{revel in your new-found freedom}
this is (or can be) very difficult to do
grief is real, grief is legitimate
safety first, always
we take time to grieve each no as needed, always
I’m just reporting what wisest me wants me to know
that no can be beautiful, liberating, glorious, remarkable
if I let it
and this is (can be) very difficult to believe
our whole culture is so deeply invested in a fairy tale about
how getting the thing we think we want is good
while not getting it is bad,
and you see this everywhere but especially in
the online world of [self-helpery] where things can get very distorted
do you know how many years, my god, it has taken me to make clear
(with great love)
that these weekly wishes here are about
the beautiful process of internal exploration
and not about “manifesting” anything,
I will not take part in a culture that believes
a wish becomes valuable or meaningful based on if/when it is fulfilled
and something is lacking (in me or in life or in my wishing abilities)
if I don’t get the results I ordered
how absurd, how limiting, how heartbreaking
here we wish in qualities
we wish as a way of deepening closeness with ourselves
we wish because wishing is a beautiful way to glow
presence, curiosity and love
and more than anything I wish because
it is a way I can listen to my heart:
learning about my desire
— and meeting that desire
with acknowledgement and legitimacy —
is the most loving gift I can give me-who-wants
and modeling exploration-without-expectation
is the most loving gift I can give to someone reading this
I don’t mean to imply there isn’t grief about not getting what we wanted,
because there is, and grief is always valid and legitimate
we make space for that too
I just mean to say, oh my loves,
so much more joy becomes available when we
let the wish-process be the treasure
instead of thinking it only has value if it delivers a specific result
sparks
wise me says this with great certainty
and I am inclined to believe her:
in some ways a NO is almost as good as yes
and maybe even better than yes because of the way
a rich darkness allows a flash of light to really spark
Adrianna
Adrianna is the italian heiress and I think I just figured out her secret this week
her secret isn’t that she says yes to all pleasurable things
but that she says no to all NOT pleasurable things
she is so clear on her no
actually I think she ENJOYS no as much as yes
giving and receiving both
and while I may still have lots of (legitimate) grief around No
there is so much power in being able to see how she does things
how she approaches no
she thinks it is delicious
ta da, redirected, let’s go see what this new direction has for us
big magic
what if no is big magic towards yes, not just the cliche of
oh well at least your no tells you what your yes is,
what if no is like SPARKS LIGHTING UP YES PATHS,
what if no is something to get really excited about!
I mean, it’s so plentiful
even when yes is rare, my no is abundant!
I used to think that was confusing, so many places not to look
(the familiar chorus of ugh I hate everything right now)
but what if the NOs are lighting a very clear path
what if burning through some good no is very smart
what if I am a total genius for every time in my life that I’ve
made out with a stranger or put a book down halfway through,
I am after all someone who tries things
maybe all the NOs I have collected are brilliant
Adrianna thinks so
let’s take this to its logical conclusion then, why not
what are the biggest NOs I can go for in my life right now
no to living with not-yes people in a job I don’t want
in a city I don’t like
no to 99% of the internet
ah the no of anything that is Less Than Joy Sparks
no clears out the bullshit if I let it
will I let it
no to being away from water
no to not being able to see the stars
let’s undo some rigging while we’re at it
what do I know about my wish?
it is a wish about freedom and all the superpowers of freedom
- the freedom of YAWN GOODBYE DELETE
- being a panther means freedom from social conditioning, I don’t have to follow any of the perceived monster rules!
- I can have Intensity and Smoldering and Lusciousness and not apologize for being them or wanting them
- there is joy in this no, joy in this exact right timing
- the superpower of “oh this is actually great for me, now I can take more time to savor my cake”, as Sarah said when I had to cancel our lesson
- remembering that I am invariably wrong when I judge things as being “late” or “behind” for example, my basement is now months behind schedule and that turned out so beautifully because it got me to the most incredible places that I wouldn’t have found otherwise
- do less and choose ease!
- I let things take their time
- wait, someone else did the thing I wanted to do? ahhhhhh the freedom of this is not my job
- I am lightness and dark, quiet and spark, and I revel in my freedom
now
I went to a place Wild Abandon because I wanted
dinner but mainly because of the name
I ate with my fingers because cutlery seems downright inappropriate
when wild abandon is on the menu, literally
but then it became clear that everything about being there
other than the food and the name was a no
so let’s say thank you to this clear no
and follow a new spark
and now Adrianna wants to go drink wine
she says, “you can be someone who writes about reveling in freedom
or you can be someone who revels in freedom”
okay fair enough
the superpower of the next indicated step is revealed to me
May was WILD with its wild door, and sexy fearless powerful presence
June is WONDER which is so very perfect for recommitting my life to freedom, and this ie exactly what I need: the next indicated step is revealed to me
thank you, past-me, for being such a good namer and calling this into being
last week’s wishes
last-week-me wished a wish called what would the italian heiress do …
this was the best wish I have ever wished because it turns out that she does some pretty spectacular things, and with so much style, and also she has an assistant who makes sure she gets fed
invitation: come play with me…
you are invited to share many !!!!!! about what is here,
or share appreciation or anything sparked for you while reading, including any stories you wish to let go of, any adventures you wish to welcome
deposit wishes, gwishes, superpowers, qualities, ingredients, intel, possibly in code
safe space for creative exploration asks us to let go of care-taking and advice-giving
wishes are never late because whenever you wish is the right time for wishing
here’s how we meet each other’s wishes: oh, wow what beautiful wishes
♡
Follow
Yes, I agree, a clear strong NO can be a beautiful, powerful thing!
I just discovered a wish that I really like: right now, in this time in ny life when there seem to be big scary choices LOOMing on the horizon (why have I never noticed that LOOM rhymes with DOOOOOM?), I wish to savor the *small*, daily decisions.
I may not know where we’re going to be a year from now. I may not know quite where the money is coming from for Thing One, or for Things Two or Three. Permission to not dwell in that fearful place. What shall I wear today? What shall I have for breakfast? What small creative act would I like to engage in for the next hour, or for the next fifteen minutes? If I’m feeling a desire for connection, to whom shall I reach out?
(And I’m having a microcosm right now: I would like to be sleeping, but since sleep isn’t coming easily, what shall I do for *now*?)
Here is what I wish, and here is what I choose to believe: that all the little calm choices strengthen me, and help the scary stuff become less scary. Overwhelm is no fun, is not helpful. I prefer peace, and I’m going to claim it where I can.
There’s so much goodness in so many ways in this post that I’m going to print it out and meditate on it. I’ve always been someone who very clearly knew What It Was I DIDN’T Want, and only occasionally, what I did.
I always perceived this as a failing in some way, but now (perhaps, maybe) I was on the right track all along.
This in particular I love:
“so much more joy becomes available when we
let the wish-process be the treasure”
Leaving a trail of pebbles, flowers and raindrops for the awesomeness of it all.
<3 <3 <3
!!!!!!!!!!
I have been thinking a lot recently about Asks and Wishes, and how people seem to assume that they are all there is to [thing that I think is really about becoming aware of and part of What’s Really Going On, which includes Asks and Wishes, but also everything else] and how even people who do [the thing in square brackets] on a regular basis think they’re not allowed to ask for things for themselves
(but that’s by the by)
and I think this is an important part of it, that there might be a No, and the No might be better than the Yes, or might show the way to a Yes. One of those things that floats on the surface and doesn’t always sink in, I think, and then people roll their eyes at all the enforced bright-siding.
(and by people I mean me! a lot of the time!)
And it’s easy to see how the No was good a couple of years after the fact, when you’re walking past the office where they said No to that job you applied for and – oh look! the windows are shuttered because the government suddenly stopped doing that thing they were beginning to specialise in when you applied for the job. Or when you got so fed up with other people saying No to a thing that you thought was a Yes that you gave up chasing other people for Yeses and said Yes yourself.
But seeing the treasure in the No at the moment of No, that’s not so easy.
(a breath for the process, and not being there yet, and beginning to be OK with not being there yet)
(this is such a lovely place to play with asking)
*flowers*
omg I need to process this in waves because this is too much
BUT
a few little nuggets for now:
I used to write bratty wish lists (exactly what it sounds like). When I came back and looked at the lists a year or two later, I was so fascinated to find that, for every item, I either (1) got exactly what I wanted, (2) got better than I wanted, (3) discovered that the wish had transformed into a different quality/container, and hence the original wish was no longer something I wanted, (4) I had graduated from a video game level in which I wished for that wish, and instead of getting the wish, what I ended up with is expansiveness and wisdom and more-beauty-than-thought-possible.
HAVI I APPRECIATE YOU SO MUCH, you wild crazy genius witch, you. I will never tire of saying it.
My mind is also blown, but for different reasons.
I can’t even read this all at once—I have to read pieces of it, go and do something else, something inane, so I can process it, then come back, read a bit more… and repeat…
I can’t even put together my response adequately. I’m crying inside with grief and Understanding (as well as grief at the lack of Understand that comes with the Understanding—wow).
But a couple of things strike me. One, thank FUCK you’re not about manifesting. I completely don’t fit in that space, and I just can’t. This internal process exploration? I can fit into this.
And two, that No’s can be okay—well that just makes tears well up.
Today— Err, this week— Err, these past two years have been crazy hard and I’m really badly wondering just how much more I can take. And even though a tear spills over as I write this, I wonder whether, okay, maybe it’s just a big fat bunch of No’s…?
*hangs head*
I don’t know. But thankyou. Your “modeling exploration-without-expectation is the most loving gift I can give to someone reading this” is Received with huge gratitude and a couple of big fat tears x
I wish for Deep, Secure, Safe, Ongoing, Connection.
Mmm I have lots of YES for this post! Thank you Havi!
Oh, Havi, oh *wow*, what beautiful wishes. Thank you for this image of “no sparks”. Now I’m imagining all the no’s as the lights that mark an airport runway at night, guiding us in for a safe landing, or guiding us out to the freedom of lift-off. The runway, the destination, the flight is the yes…but when all is not visible, we need the safety lines of those no sparks to keep us on track.
I encountered the two scariest no’s of my life in the last two years – one of them I sought, one of them I resisted, both were pretty terrifying – both have turned out to be safety sparks guiding me to the most amazing Yes’s.
And this, this is why I love this space, your writing, this community:
“so much more joy becomes available when we
let the wish-process be the treasure
instead of thinking it only has value if it delivers a specific result”
The process of accessing the qualities, of paying attention, the process of *being with* the me-who-is-wishing, and the me-who-is-scared-to-wish, and the Wise-me who always shows up when I listen…this is what I’ve learned here, and the practice has revealed such vast reservoirs of joy and wonder, reminded me that those were always there, are always available, no matter the grief or difficulty or challenge of the day.
Thank you.
Today my wishing is simple and deep: I wish for continued attention and focus on *practice*, and to remember that I am not separate from joy and wonder.
Thankyou for the runway analogy
Really resonating with these wishes, everybody!
As part of my last course of therapy (ending 18 mos ago), I began noticing no’s, and acting on them. Putting the book down, sure, but maybe also taking back an entire bag of Inter-Library Loan books – unread! – because they were suddenly no’s. (That felt decadent to the extreme) Shopping for little homey things, but holding out for something I Really Love. Saying glorious No to everything else. Actually saying No out loud in the store. Yes, i’m talking to myself, so what? No, no, no!
My imagination, in isolation, is rather impoverished. I need the world to show me possibilities I never would’ve thought to ask for. My idea of what I want is usually just a seed of an idea. The true yes is a garden, full of “weeds” that turn out to be my favorite wildflowers!
I have been off Twitter for 60 hours, and hope to stay off permanently. I feel so much better when I’m *not* there. I marvel that loneliness persuades me to return, time & again, to a medium that actually makes me feel 1. terrible, 2. overwhelmed with helplessness, and 3. even more alienated & lonely.
Taking courage from Havi’s practice, and what we do here week after week, to Do-over a different approach.
the way you describe this is wonderfully clear/clarifying! thank you!
may it be so!
Ohmygoodness NO!! Wow, this is so helpful, thank you!!!!
I want to muse on my YES and NO
they are sometimes very clear
but sometimes it is difficult to tell
the difference between NO, I really
don’t want this
and
“no”, I am scared of my YES
this is the spot where i stand
i had a WILD WILD week
i Began [x]
[day 1] was literally, THE BEST
[day 2] was very, very, very, very Hard
and i don’t yet know what to do
my friend says “i suggest you do not extrapolate a pattern from only two data points”
this seems wise, because, based on the points I have
the first pattern I think of is
each day having
EXPONENTIALLY more Hard
HARDER,
HARDER,
HARDER,
HARDER,
until… i don’t even know.
but that pattern seems NO
another possibility is that the first day was an outlier
and shouldn’t be counted
and the second day is the real truth
(this is what my monsters want me to believe, and they also say, GET THE HELL OUT OF THERE WHAT ARE YOU CRAZY X IS GOING TO KILL YOU WITH STRESS AND HARD)
and I appreciate them so much because I can feel that they are trying to protect me
and this intel is amazing, in general
and I also want to remember that
they are monsters
Is there ever a time to take monster advice?
i’m not sure
maybe maybe not but
in this case
I don’t think so
this is also a NO
and this post has been so helpful because now I realize
it’s OKAY that I do not see YES, yet
I SEE NO
NO IS CLEAR
KEEP FOLLOWING NO
[hahahahaha Gandalf: “Always follow your no…”]
Right.
YES.
To go is NO
To know is NO
(for now)
So I will stay
and keep watching,
listening.
TRUST NO.
this wish reverberates mightily
also (wanting joyfully, let’s see what happens if i am unattached to outcomes):
CLARITY x 1,000,000,000,000
GLOWING UNAPOLOGETIC BOUNDARIES
REMEMBERING WHAT MOTIVATES
EASE & SOFTENING
PATIENT PRESENCE
GRATITUDE
TRUST
I had a really big and discouraging NO that was on a path that revealed many other versions of no before it. I have been trying to turn all of those NOs into yes, and not being able to do so left me with feelings of failure. It’s an epiphany to think of No differently, lighting the way to Yes.
Toasting the superpower of exquisite taste!!
YES!
!!!!!
I realized just the other day that trying to twist myself into knots turning a No into a Yes is not going to do anyone any good. If the best thing I can say for a career path is that I don’t hate what it entails, ooooh nooooooo, honey. Listen to that No! Leap at the Yes it points to!
<3 <3 <3
What perfect timing this is. Thank you!