Personal ads. They’re … personal! Very.
At the very least, useful noticings about my relationship with wanting. It all counts.
♡
{A little note about timing}
This week’s wishes are delayed — though, really, what does that mean, of course wishes are right on time, they’re just doing it in their own timing.
That is the hardest thing for me to remember, about everything. The superpower of Nothing Is Wrong.
Anyway, my computer (not unlike me) was experiencing some ongoing fussiness this week. So thank you, Richard, for fix-it-ey magic and thank you, everyone who has been looking forward to wishing time. In the meantime, I am taking a breath and trusting that All Timing Is Right Timing.
Or, at least, reminding the monster crew that this is a possible approach.
What do I want?
I had this understanding last week related to overwhelm. Well, related to my perception that I am constantly feeling overwhelmed.
My realization did not help with the feeling. Still overwhelmed!
It is helping a little bit with frame, though. Perspective.
So I want to mess around with this some more, gently, see what I learn.
What am I noticing?
I am noticing the extent to which I find daily life all by itself completely overwhelming.
Too many things! Too much input! Too little acknowledgment about how hard this is!
And then you realize you haven’t washed your hair in two weeks (okay, maybe this is just me) and then burst into tears because it is One More Thing, and you’re already over capacity.
Sometimes I wonder how anyone ever gets anything done without a massive breakdown.
I mean, good god. I don’t have kids. I don’t even have a pet. I don’t have to feed anyone, take care of anyone or worry about anyone (and I am enormously happy about all of these things). And still I find just getting through the day, with the never-ending constantly-updating multitude of tiny things that need doing, way too much to handle. So yes: overwhelmed = real!
At the same time, even if I didn’t have to work and had nothing to do at all other than the two things I am currently [not-quite-obsessing] in love with — writing and dancing, I’d still be overwhelmed. So in that sense, overwhelmed isn’t real, it is a perception or pattern or choice. I could go on retreat for three years and still be overwhelmed. It isn’t going away unless I change how I think. So it is super real (more than I think it is!), and also it is not real at all.
What do I want?
I was talking about this with Nick, and he asked: “Do you think overwhelm is a choice? For me, overwhelm seems to be an involuntary byproduct of certain situations.”
So here’s my take on that:
I choose to react and I choose how to react. Habit of course will dictate my initial reaction. And then I can notice that and figure out what I want to do with it.
The challenge is: once I’m whooshing my way down the familiar neural pathway, I don’t necessarily see my choices and options.
So it’s like with all patterns. When I first start working with a pattern, I’m not going to be able to interrupt it at point Zero. I’m going to sail at least a dozen links down the line before I can play with it. Which is fine, that counts too.
Noticing the pattern is changing the pattern. Doing anything differently is changing the pattern.
If the pattern used to be 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8…now the pattern is 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, notice, slightly-different-6-because-I-am-watching-it, here’s a COMPLETELY NEW SEVEN and okay, hello eight.
What am I noticing?
Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I want to try to remind myself that it is real (legitimacy), and that it is not real (reassurance).
Yes, this is a ridiculous number of things that I am attempting to do, and also, this feeling and tightness and panic are not required. These are habitual responses. My response makes sense (because I really do have too many things!). And I can work with altering how I respond, and I can do that right now. The answer isn’t waiting until I eventually don’t have a million things waiting for my attention. The answer is pausing, breathing, paying attention, meeting my fear with love.
What do I want?
I want the glorious return of Putterday.
Putterday was this experimental thing I did where one day a week just went to wandering around the house taking care of things.
Being in Barrington mode. I love Barrington. Barrington is never overwhelmed, I don’t know how she does it.
Anyway, on Putterday, I don’t do anything except for those little things that never get done.
It isn’t a holiday but it isn’t a work day. It is maintenance time, the thing that keeps the ship running.
I want a WEEK OF PUTTERDAY!
What am I noticing?
Remembering the wonderful story that Barbara Sher tells about her barn that burned down. How she was waiting and waiting for the right weekend to sort through all the stuff in there, and it never happened. When it went up in smoke, she suddenly realized that she was never going to take that weekend. The loss was a gift.
So maybe A Week of Putterday is a mythical creature, a yearning.
And maybe it is a real thing: the monster crew is certainly up in arms about the possibility of something like that ever happening. They think I should just be on top of things. And that if I’m going to take time off work (which will surely lead to Doom), then I should at least go relax somewhere instead of puttering, so I can come back refreshed and ready to resume Doing All The Things That Must Be Done.
This is another moment for me to come back to what is real and what is not real, what is true and what’s also true.
It is true that Puttering Time might not be the answer, and it is also true that I’m allowed to want it.
It is true that it might not give me what I want, and it is also true that it’s a valid experiment.
What do I want?
This is all about returning again.
The return of quiet, the return of Putterday, the return of lovingly maintaining, and mostly, I am now realizing, the return of Assertive Me.
I’m not sure exactly where she fits into all of this, but it is suddenly wonderfully clear that she can change my current relationship with feeling overwhelmed.
She neatly sidesteps my avoidance patterns, the hurts and the anger, the saying and the not saying.
She knows how to move forward, she knows about momentum, she has buffer phrases on hand, she cuts through the crap, she makes her own perfect simple solutions.
What am I noticing?
This is the month of Strength — and seeing the strengths I already have.
So Assertive Me is already here.
I just need to remember that. And to ask for her help.
Where do I want to start?
Interviewing Assertive Me. Skipping stones. Maybe doing a half day Putterday. Maybe doing this in companionship with someone…
What are the qualities of my wish?
Sustenance. Trust. Presence. Grace. Steadiness. Warmth. Glow. Receiving.
Clues?
I have been making some silent wishes lately, not putting them here. And suddenly things are moving. Clue!
And the clue from a few weeks ago, what I thought was an impasse is actually a riddle: still working for me.
What else do I want?
Seeds planted without explanation, a mix of secret agent code and silent retreat dreams. Things I’m working on, or might be, someday…
- Everything is easier than I thought, and look, miracles everywhere.
- I go out dancing at the ballroom.
- This doesn’t require my input!
- Ha, it’s so perfect that it turned out like this. Past me is a GENIUS
- I have what I need, and I appreciate it. There are resources to do this.
- Trust and steadiness. I can see why this moment is good.
- Hawaii.
- I am fearless and confident. I do the brave things and it is not even a big deal, and I still get sparklepoints, yay.
- This week’s op: waltzing something into the light.
Progress report on past Very Personal Ads.
So. Last week, aka dropping my Gs…
Last week’s wish had to do with an intentional pause: not consuming G. The G was a form of a food (literally consuming) and in the form of an emotion. Both of these ended up being way easier than I was expecting. The more amazing thing — for me — was how many people in my life were wonderfully supportive, beyond my expectation. Really, everyone but one person. So that was a good thing to learn. Keeping up the experiment for now.
Attenzione! Attention, AGENTS.
I wish to whisper a whisper about the Monster Manual! It comes paired with the world’s best coloring book, which does so much monster-dissolving magic that even if you wait to try the techniques, you’ll still feel better about everything.
Self-fluency is hard enough, we need ways to to interact with the thoughts-fear-worry-criticism that shuts down creative exploring. And when people get the manual, I am able to me spend more time writing here. So if you don’t need help with monsters, get one for a friend. Or plant a wish that someone gets it for you! And bring people you like to hang out here. The more of us working on our stuff, the better for all of us. #9825;
Keep me company?
Consider this an open invitation to deposit wishes, gwishes, personal ads. In any size/form you like, there’s no right way. Updates on past experiments are welcome too, as is anything sparked for you.
Commenting culture: This is safe space for creative exploration. We are on permanent vacation from care-taking and advice-giving. We are here to play.
Let’s throw things in the pot! And: Amnesty. Leave a wish any time you want.
xox
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Quickly, quickly into the pot!
–Gorgeous hair
–Pink Martini
–Charlotte
–Getting paid for being awesome!
Also, an update: making good progress on tying up the Loosest End. May it continue. Thank you!
I’m glad that your computer is fixed and hope that your “ongoing fussiness” level has improved too.
Putterday! How could I forget Putterday? I *need* a Putterday. Throwing that wish into the pot, along with the question of how that might happen.
And I want nurturing and sustenance! I have been pouring out my energy in caregiving and caretaking (which should be antonyms but aren’t) and feel depleted and need some time of being taken care of. Into the pot!
And I want someone to handle that one thing for me. I have two people in mind that I could ask, and either would be brilliant at it, but something is stopping me from asking. I’d like to understand that, and if there is another person that I could ask, and/or if there is a simple brilliant solution to the matter that doesn’t involve doing that. Maybe there is just some small bit of information that I need and don’t have that would solve everything? If there is, then I ask for that bit of info to find me. I will celebrate it as an Epiphany, however stoooopid!
Into the pot, along with wishes for joy and love for the comment mice and the lurkers.
Yea, verily, it is real and it isn’t. And I am trying (trying exists, Yoda. It’s a form of doing.) to sit quietly with the Reality and listen to it and watch my new Anxiety flags go up and down the flagpole changing color from low and barely yellow up to the top of the pole and screaming red (legitimacy).
Thank you for the reassurance. Oh, another Re- word. I just noticed how Re-word looks and sounds like Reward. I have what I need and I appreciate it? Yes, more reassurance, please.
Wanted: Safety, security, appreciation, sustenance, steadiness, sufficiency, presence and strength.
Remembering what that feels like, and wishing those things for you.
Last week I wanted to be a better leader. And I realized I was also trying to lead the wrong parade. I was leading a parade that was not my people. No wonder we were having trouble keeping the beat.
Also, I keep reading about going to Bolivia. And wondering how moving to Bolivia might work. And it’s weird and scary to wonder about this because when the time to go to Bolivia was right, I couldn’t go. And that time went by so fast. And now we are in this time when going to Bolivia might not work. And next week I will talk to the travel agent about whether or not I can even think about going to Bolivia.
So what is my wish? To have a steady boat, and to be a strong sailor. And to be able to see the stars that will give me a clue about which way to go.
I love this:
“If the pattern used to be 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8…now the pattern is 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, notice, slightly-different-6-because-I-am-watching-it, here’s a COMPLETELY NEW SEVEN and okay, hello eight.”
The superpower I’m working on is Genius Vision. It’s like x-ray vision for concepts. It will help my project this year of finding and documenting Hidden Useful Things.
Genius is hard to see because it is often hidden in plain sight. The pattern shifting process above is exactly what I’m talking about. So self-evident that it’s obvious. Except that it wasn’t until I read it. I think that’s the hallmark of a genius concept, obvious in retrospect.
Hello, wishing! Hello, Havi! Hello, wishers!
For me, this week:
-More exploration of my relationship with ICE DANCING.
-Clarity about Operation Knock Knock.
-Operation George (I’m gonna hug ‘im, and squeeze ‘im, and call ‘im George.) Like that.
-More yoga.
-More writing.
-Operation D2B. Processing new information.
-A treasure map for Operation R-Space
-Cuddles. Because it never hurts to throw that in the pot.
And some qualities:
Spaciousness. Presence. Sovereignty. Delight. Connection. Confidence. Love. Joytrust.
<3 May it be so. <3
Hello, all!
A Thing: a seriously awkward encounter on deck. How to handle it with sovereignty and grace and keeping-bridges-unburnt-ness?
Another Thing: patterns of pound-foolishness. How to rewrite?
Silent retreat on the specifics. Bouquets and warm wishes to all!
Ai yai yai, the “hello eight.” Deep breath for the blinkin’ “hello, eight, here I am again.” Deep breath for Impatient Me who just wants to be DONE with the “hello eight” and moving on to “one, two, three, purple, foxtrot, passion” already.
Remembering that this is progress. Remembering when I could not even see the pattern and the discrete steps, would have said there were no steps, it was one and then suddenly it was ten or possibly a zillion.
Remembering that it takes time, and all I have is time. I can choose to take the blue pill, and go back to sleepwalking, or I can take the teaspoon and shift the course of the river bit by bit.
<3 <3 <3
Thank you for the lubricating and moisturizing salve of “All Timing Is Right Timing” ~
And re-recognizing Putterdays – or even Putter-hours! So much gets *done* (in the rear-view mirror) in a Putter-hour 🙂
I am highly amused that both of our weeks started a tad bit later than normally scheduled. And That’s Okay.
I completely relate to PutterDay, at least in regards to housework. I was born an introvert, but trained an extrovert [side note: have you seen the TEDtalk from the author of Quiet- OMGerd, YES!], so I constantly have All the Monsters shaming me for not saying Yes to every social event. One of the ways I’ve tried calming them is a chore-reward system. If I can get one housework type of thing done in a week, then I can go out into the world. One would think it wouldn’t be That Hard, but somehow that one housework thing can get away and then I have combined guilt, because I’m Supposed to be On Top of Things, right?
Well, if chores don’t get done for a while, I end up using a VAC day from work to just Putter and catch up. The Monsters don’t like it, but I’ve given them yet another job. This time of cleaning up my web is reconnecting to my Home, my Sanctuary. And there’s really nothing more shiny than a clean glass-top stove range.
Yeah so , You Are Not Alone, Havi. Thanks for the reminder for me too.
I tend to read these posts and comments about wishing and then feel bad that I’m not better at it. Well, sometimes I wish, but it only lasts for the moment, and if I wind up writing about it, I promptly forget about it and don’t come back to it. I don’t carry it with me. I don’t really do the things that could help to make it happen. Then come next week, I don’t remember what my wish from the previous week was. Kinda sounds like a situation Pooh Bear might find himself in, which makes me smile.
So I guess something I’ll throw in the pot this week is about wishing I had a better relationship with wishing. Oh, and wishing I felt deserving of actually having my wishes come true. That seems like a good wish.
That is a very good wish! I am pretty sure that wishing we were better at wishing is a huge part of wishing. There’s so much cultural stuff that has taught us to hide our wishes and not admit to having them……wishing is a pretty loaded activity, at least for me. I think these weekly posts are just outrageously subversive, the fact that we even try!
“If the pattern used to be 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8…now the pattern is 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, notice, slightly-different-6-because-I-am-watching-it, here’s a COMPLETELY NEW SEVEN and okay, hello eight.”
I love this!
Oh yes, OVERWHELM! I totally feel that way, like if any small additional thing to the usual Luff of Stife I have to do crops up, that requires more Doing,then I can so easily get tipped onto the Bathroom Floor of Overwhelm. This is so timely, the reminder to stop and notice, that noticing the pattern breaks the pattern. Yay, Havi!
I just took a week off to have a week of putterdays, but then due to Additional Things Cropping only two of them ended up being actual putterdays, but I have to say, those two days were GOOD!
love light and happiness (and puttering time) to all
xx
Oh, Putterday! It is the best thing ever. I want a WEEK of Putterday by 10am every morning. And again!
“Sometimes I wonder how anyone ever gets anything done without a massive breakdown. I mean, good god. I don’t have kids. I don’t even have a pet. I don’t have to feed anyone, take care of anyone or worry about anyone (and I am enormously happy about all of these things). And still I find just getting through the day, with the never-ending constantly-updating multitude of tiny things that need doing, way too much to handle.” <———- Exactly what I think a good 1/3 of my life, which I've never heard anyone else express.
So thank you.
I don't know what my wishes are, but that doesn't matter. I'll still get what's exactly right for me. Meditating on what my mom told me last night… "you just never, ever know what's around the corner."
Filling up on love and permission in this space as always, and extending some more to Havi.
I know! Why isn’t this a thing that is talked about? I’m also remembering a conversation with my mother once about how her mother used to get together with “the girls”, the other mothers in the apartment building, to have little tea parties to, as she put it, “break up the monotony of the day”. And I thought, “motonony?” My days aren’t monotonous, they’re packed. Let’s do something to break up the [harrowing stress] of the day. I mean, yes, it must have been nice, no job, no internet, quiet apartment. But still! Having day to day things to do isn’t enough, now you have to make cookies for a tea party?! GOOD GRIEF.
So glad you are feeling better Havi. I know how hard it is to not be able to dance, for a long while. I can dance now, but only if I row too (on a machine or in a boat) on a regular basis. Keeps my ankles flexible…many metaphors there : )I am mostly a lurker, but every now and then I comment. I read your posts and so appreciate your inquiry, your playfullness, your creativity. xx