Personal ads. They’re … personal! Very.

♡

What do I want?

I want two things actually, and both of them have to do with taking better care of myself, both as a form of self-treasuring, and also because it’s the right thing to do.

Taking care of myself because I treasure myself. Treasuring myself through caring for myself.

I found myself making a wish last night that went something along the lines of:

“All I want is for someone to take me on a holiday for two weeks where I just sleep the whole time, sleep and stretch and cry and take baths, and for this same someone or a different someone to stroke my hair and make me tea and whisper reassuring things.”

And then it hit me, of course, that this someone should be me, and that I want to be the person who does this for myself.

What do know about what I want?

• It is difficult (for me, right now) to maintain the truth of my world that makes sense to me while submerged in another world full of untruths, or things that don’t resonate for me.
• It is difficult to be a bell (for me, right now) when everything else is out of tune.
• The only way through or across (for me, right now, that I can see) is to treasure more.
• I am in Detroit this week as part of Operation Crown Bridge III, and a bridge is a crossing. This bridge, more specifically, is a crossing into a more pleasurable relationship with sovereignty.
• This crossing demands exquisite care, treasuring myself, giving myself the optimal conditions that I can provide, to be my most rested, most creative, most capable, most playful, most bell-like. It requires it.

What is true?

I don’t know many people who can do this, treasure themselves, take wonderfully good care of themselves, make choices based on treasuring, not based on guilt or obligation. In my entire life, I have met two people who can do this, something I hugely admire and also find to be completely extraordinary.

And, truth be told, both of these people also have pretty big blind spots, areas where the self-treasuring rules don’t apply.

So I’m kind of in unexplored territory here, I’m testing it out, there aren’t maps. It isn’t so much “here be monsters” (though yes, of course monsters!), it’s more like, “This is an interesting adventure and I have never seen trees and flowers that look like this before….”

What else is true?

I can do this.

Even though it is new and unfamiliar. Even though I don’t have someone modeling it for me.

I can do it because the other option (not doing it) isn’t working for me.

And because I believe that it is in everybody’s best interest to have a fully-functional Havi Bell in the world. Also because I hope that more people will follow me across the bridge, more of us treasuring ourselves, more of us choosing things that support our peacefulness.

What do I want to happen?

My father said something yesterday about his priorities. First priority: taking care of my mom. Second priority: more taking care of mom. Third and fourth priorities were work stuff and fifth priority was taking care of himself.

I not-very-secretly dream of living in a world in which everyone’s first priority is “how can I best take care of myself so that I can most effectively handle all the other priorities?”.

Reality: this probably isn’t going to happen anytime soon. My visions of the world and my approach to living in it are wildly different than what I was raised with, not just in terms of my family but the entire culture. Learning how to treasure myself as a way of being in the world is like being in an aquarium of cool, clear, beautiful truth floating in a sea of distortion. I need to make my way to the sea of sovereignty, the ocean of openings.

So I have some shadow work to do.

I need to do the thing we did (remember?) with the hackers, and with the piggy.

If I was raised in this broader culture where most people think that not taking care of yourself in order to do good and contribute is valuable, meaningful and important…and that taking care of yourself first is selfish…

When is it useful to be selfish?

I sat with this for several minutes, not knowing the answer, because that, my friends, is a very, very loaded word.

But then I knew. I felt it! When you’re on a plane and they tell you to adjust your own oxygen mask before assisting others. Being selfless and trying to help [your helpless vulnerable child that you love] is how you end up passing out and not being able to help anyone. On the surface, it’s the cheesiest example, and yet, it is true.

In emergencies, taking-care-of-me-first is critical.

Except the way into states of emergency often is also a result of — or compounded by — neglecting to care for myself. And the thing that helps me have enough discernment to recognize an impending possible-emergency is also taking care of myself.

There’s more work to do here, because the word still bothers me, but basically I’m on a mission to be blissfully assertive about my oxygen mask, even when asked to delay putting it on.

What do I want to happen?

It’s June, which means it is time to turn the page in the Fluent Self calendar of salves: this month is for Releasing.

This is fortunate, because release is exactly what I want and need right now.

I want to release (easily, sweetly) all the rules, internal and external, that get in the way of taking exquisite care of myself.

I want to release judgment, pain, regret, conflict.

I want to release and release, and let this be part of the crossing.

And I love this month’s salve and superpower: All Past Pain Is Transformed Into Jewels. May it be so.

Anything else?

I already know how to take care of myself, thanks to collecting notes in the Book of Havi Bell over the past several years.

The next step is remembering that these aren’t just things I could do, it’s what needs to happen. Without apologies and without delay.

Talking to Incoming Me about this…

Me: What if I never learn how to do this?

Slightly wiser me: Remember when you said that about feeling glamorous?

Of course you will learn how to do this. You already know. You are practicing and remembering, remembering and practicing.

Robert Royston said that an amateur dancer practices until he gets it right, a pro practices until she can’t get it wrong. You’re practicing, and you’re committed to the practice, and this will become second nature.

Right now, it’s a new habit, it’s wildly subversive, it goes against everything you’ve been taught and modeled, it goes against everything the world around you celebrates. You’re right. They’re wrong. Trust what you know. This is important.

Let’s make a compass:

Options. Safety. Ease. Release. Freedom. Pleasure. Glow. Wild.

And I will continue to add the secret word TREASURE to each point.

Anything else? Starting points?

Keep connecting to Incoming me. Skip stones as often as possible. Writing and Righting. Xs and Ys. Dance. Red lipstick. Eight breaths. My body gets the deciding vote. Thank you in advance.

What else do I want?

• Everything is easier than I thought, and look, miracles everywhere.
• I have the best time dancing in my ballroom.
• This doesn’t require my input!
• Ha, it’s so perfect that it turned out like this. Past me is a GENIUS
• I have what I need, and I appreciate it. There are resources to do this.
• Trust and steadiness. I can see why this moment is good.
• Hawaii. Possibly Hawaii is not in Hawaii.
• I am fearless and confident. I do the brave things and it is not even a big deal, and I still get sparklepoints, yay.
• This week’s ops: Operation Crown Bridge III, Xs and Ys, This Is The Ship.

Clues?

Practice it until you can’t get it wrong.

Progress report on past Very Personal Ads.

So. Last week, aka Ketzev 8…

Last week’s wish is hilarious, I wanted to stop rushing myself with panicky monster stress of “no-time-no-time-no-time”, and I also wanted the superpower of eight kilometers in a single step. Both of those have been outrageously helpful during my complicated adventures in Michigan.

Attenzione! Attention, AGENTS.

I wish to whisper a whisper about the Monster Manual! It comes paired with the world’s best coloring book, which does so much monster-dissolving magic that even if you wait to try the techniques, you’ll still feel better about everything.

Self-fluency is hard enough, we need ways to to interact with the thoughts-fear-worry-criticism that shuts down creative exploring. And when people get the manual, I am able to me spend more time writing here. So if you don’t need help with monsters, get one for a friend. Or plant a wish that someone gets it for you! And bring people you like to hang out here. The more of us working on our stuff, the better for all of us. ♡

Keep me company?

Consider this an open invitation to deposit wishes, gwishes, personal ads. In any size/form you like, there’s no right way. Updates on past experiments are welcome too, as is anything sparked for you.

Commenting culture: This is safe space for creative exploration. We are on permanent vacation from care-taking and advice-giving. We are here to play.

Let’s throw things in the pot! And: Amnesty. Leave a wish any time you want.

xox

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