Personal ads. They’re … personal! Very.
♡
What do I want?
I wanted to write about something entirely different this week, and instead I need to write about a new remembering.
This morning I changed the passcode on my phone, after discovering, astonishment and dismay, that the Spy Who Loved Me was ACTUALLY SPYING ON ME.
So much for metaphor. He observed me using the code to my phone and took advantage of my absence to break into my phone, read my texts and construct some wildly inaccurate theories based on misunderstandings of what he read (or misread) there.
Wow. I am completely in shock. I am aware that I missed a number of warning bells about jealous, controlling behavior, but I had absolutely no idea things had gone this far.
I don’t really understand how someone who was my lover, someone I trusted wholeheartedly, someone I think of as being deeply committed to spiritual practice would even consider breaking into my phone to confirm pre-existing (and false) suspicions rather than asking loving curious questions, never mind actually doing this.
I will process this elsewhere, on the Floop and in the YEARbooks. For now I need a new remembering.
What does this mean?
So many things.
At the most basic level, I would like a new remembering in the sense that I remember the new passcode. Because right now, each time my fingers enter the old one and I get the “wrong code, try again” message, I burst into tears all over again.
I would like the new code to feel like FREEDOM and SAFETY instead of oh god this person had a key to my house.
I would like moments of forgetting and putting in the old code to be okay: We are safe, we are treasured, we are loved, nothing is wrong.
I would like to remember that change is good, and sometimes things (and people) fall away because they need to fall away. What is emptied from my life needed to go. This is what I learned from the year of All The Burns Burning, and this is what I learned from the summer of Smiling At The Broken Pots.
Let things go. Let them go. And if they’re leaving, say thank you.
What else do I know about this?
In last week’s wish I wrote about how I want to be the one who can treasure myself.
I still want this.
Part of treasuring myself is having a new remembering.
I do not wish to erase the memories of sweetness and love. I also want to remember that I don’t have to put up with having controlling behavior in my life, in any form. Controlling has no part of love. I don’t have spend time with people who don’t take responsibility for their stuff when they are in their stuff. And I definitely don’t need anyone in my life who invents stories about me.
Anyone who knows me knows how intensely I value clear, beautiful, communication, undoing misunderstandings as they happen instead of letting them build into Story. What happened here is basically the opposite of that, and I am reeling. Next time I sense alarm bells, I won’t wait months to see how it plays out, I will investigate immediately.
This is my new remembering.
Hello, goodbye.
Hello, new remembering. Hello, new code and codes.
Hello, new people coming into my life that I haven’t met yet, people who will treat me with trust, respect, adoration and treasuring, and who will be committed to beautiful deep presence and clear communication.
Thank you, everything that brought me here. Goodbye, everything that won’t get me through this next crossing. Goodbye, everything that is done.
Release.
Goodbye, patterns. Goodbye, all aspects of these patterns. Goodbye, pattern of wanting to be seen and not being seen. Goodbye, pattern of letting things slide.
Goodbye, pattern of being falsely accused, followed by such genuine sweetness, love and grace that I allowed everything else to keep happening because the sweetness was so sweet and my craving for it so intense.
No more.
I am committed to treasuring myself, to learning how to do this, to allowing this pattern (and any need I may have for it) release, dissolve and exit, for my own benefit and the benefit of everyone I know.
Goodbye, pattern. Goodbye, need for this pattern.
Transform.
We are going to need some secret agent code!
From now on, the error message when I enter the wrong code (Wrong Code! Try Again!) means something else. Like:
“That person turned out to be the wrong lover for you, now you get to try again!”
Or, “What a delight, I can start over.” Or, “I am a Secret Agent who gets to play with code, and this is fun, what’s my new one?”
Jewels.
How perfect that this month in the Fluent Self calendar of salves is the month of Releasing.
And even better, the salve of All Past Pain Is Transformed Into Jewels.
Let this experience reveal its jewels. Maybe part of the jewels is the new remembering. And maybe part is learning to treasure myself so completely that the old patterns don’t work anymore.
My friend A told me about how he decided to LOVE MORE, TRUST MORE after a betrayal of trust. That’s my plan too. Listen more. Listen a lot. Listen more, love more, trust more. Piece by piece.
What do I want to happen?
Swift healing. New codes. Empty the museum. Throw away things that remind me of the relationship and this old way. Ease. Sweetness in new forms. Sit with the void. Newness.
Yoga. Breathe with it and through it and breathe some more. To feel appreciative for all that is good: I have toes and I can wiggle them. I have lungs and they breathe for me. Wonder and delight in aliveness.
I got to experience a beautiful love story that had layers of toxicity woven through it and I am alive and this is part of aliveness, and none of this can hurt me and I am done and cutting all the red ribbons.
Talking to Incoming Me about this…
Me: Hurts so much.
Slightly wiser me: What do you want to feed and nurture?
Me: Peacefulness.
Slightly wiser me: Good. Then let’s notice when we are telling the story of this person who we thought was X turning out to be Y. Let’s breathe peacefulness instead.
Let’s make a compass:
Peacefulness. Safety. Ease. Shelter. Freedom. Release. Glow. Wild.
And I will continue to add the secret word TREASURE to each point.
Anything else? Starting points?
Keep connecting to Incoming me. Skip stones as often as possible. Writing and Righting. The sweetest ship. Dance. Fiery red lipstick. Eight breaths. My body gets the deciding vote. Thank you in advance.
What else do I want?
- Everything is easier than I thought, and look, miracles everywhere.
- I have the best time dancing in my ballroom.
- This doesn’t require my input!
- Ha, it’s so perfect that it turned out like this. Past me is a GENIUS
- I have what I need, and I appreciate it. There are resources to do this.
- Trust and steadiness. I can see why this moment is good.
- Hawaii. Possibly Hawaii is not in Hawaii. Ohmygod I think I might know where it is!
- I am fearless and confident. I do the brave things and it is not even a big deal, and I still get sparklepoints, yay.
- This week’s ops: Operation Koi Fish, The Cornish Witchery Upholstery of San Miguel IV, This Is The Ship.
Clues?
“Having a great night of sex like you do in New Mexico…”
Sadly this is not me, but it is a great sentence, from the New York Times of all places, and I love the feeling of it.
This sentence is related to that joyous feeling of LIFE AND ALIVENESS, which is basically the opposite of the tight hurting feelings I am working through right now. So even though, despite all the Spy’s suspicions, I have not even been on a date since we split up, I can still imagine the feeling of romantic possibilities, the feeling of [ah, spring], delighting in the pleasures of enjoying life. I can remember that feeling when I need it, and it can live inside of me and be a part of my new remembering too.
Progress report on past Very Personal Ads.
So. Last week, aka Unconditional Treasuring…
It is just fascinating to me how each wish kind of leads to the next one.
I wanted to take better care of myself, to delight in caring for myself, and that is exactly what I’m doing right now. The treasuring has led to a new remembering, or a beginning.
I also completed Operation Crown Bridge III as well as The Book of Xs and Ys — one more round of edits to go!
Attenzione! Attention, AGENTS.
I wish to whisper a whisper about the Monster Manual! It comes paired with the world’s best coloring book, which does so much monster-dissolving magic that even if you wait to try the techniques, you’ll still feel better about everything.
Self-fluency is hard enough, we need ways to to interact with the thoughts-fear-worry-criticism that shuts down creative exploring. And when people get the manual, I am able to me spend more time writing here. So if you don’t need help with monsters, get one for a friend. Or plant a wish that someone gets it for you! And bring people you like to hang out here. The more of us working on our stuff, the better for all of us. ♡
Keep me company?
Consider this an open invitation to deposit wishes, gwishes, personal ads. In any size/form you like, there’s no right way. Updates on past experiments are welcome too, as is anything sparked for you.
Commenting culture: This is safe space for creative exploration. We are on permanent vacation from care-taking and advice-giving. We are here to play.
Let’s throw things in the pot! And: Amnesty. Leave a wish any time you want.
xox
Last week the plates were all up in the air. And then the Office Plate landed, finally, but because moving is distressing and such a big commitment and has so many moving parts it gave me nervous stomach.
And then the Reduction Surgery Plate landed where I wanted it to, and I rushed to schedule it, and then I rushed to re-schedule it for later because that is a Big Thing that needs to wait.
And then I reached up with a net and put the Go To Bolivia plate gently back on the ground, because, really, if I was going to go to Bolivia, I would want to go with a travel companion.
And now a bunch of New Client Plates are up there and why does everything keep being a plate that is flying in the air above my head, which again gives me nervous stomach.
And all the while, the You Will Be Alone Forever monster collective is telling me that none of it matters anyway because I am alone, and I have to do all these things alone, and half of my soul is wasted because I am alone, and what is the point of a life lived singly and I will have to hire people to help me after the surgery because I live alone and on and on and on.
And so what do I want? Respite. A cushioned place to land. A little adventure. Bravery. Less input.
<3
I believe I have the same monster collective. Hi guys! Fancy seeing you monstering someone else!
Love more. Trust more. Listen more. I love that. To me, it seems like a more grounded version of “forgive, but don’t forget,” which has always sounded to me like, “forgive, but not *really*.”
Listen more. Love more. Trust more.
Right now, I have birthday wishes. My daughter’s is tomorrow, and mine is ten days from now. I am wishing to be able to help my daughter have a wonderful birthday, and I am planting seeds and questions for my own.
“I got to experience a beautiful love story that had layers of toxicity woven through it and I am alive and this is part of aliveness, and none of this can hurt me and I am done and cutting all the red ribbons.”
My wish is to understand more about this sentence/concept. It seems like a riddle (wrapped in an enigma, hehe) with a certain contrariness; it both confuses me and makes me feel there is an important truth here that I very much need.
Palms on the ground. Beaming love for you and for the parts of my stuff that get triggered reading this.
Trust *more*?! My brain implodes. But yes, that is one option, likely a good one. Thank you for showing it to me.
Palms on the ground.
My wish for this week: That I can remember the feeling from this morning of “Oh right–I am larger than my stuff, I am larger than these moments and these seeming-challenges.”
“Goodbye, everything that is done.”
Adding my goodbyes to yours, and wishing us both new treasures as we travel on.
Someone stole cash out of my sweetie’s wallet last week. He didn’t happen to have much in there, but the incident poked at my worst-case-scenario monsters, who are damn good at stirring themselves up without any assistance. Wishing for both security and the sense of it.
I am resenting the mosquitoes that mean I will have to swathe myself in long-sleeved/long-legged clothing and repellents when I want to work in my yard. I would like to rewire the resentment into something more gracious. (Like, I could pretend I am a character in a story in a era when everyone wore long layers even in high summer? I could rejoice that I don’t have to wear a corset? I could…)
Warm wishes to all y’all.
“…the feeling of life and aliveness”. That phrase sings to me. Wishing that for all of us.
My version of Barrington, about which I rambled a bit last week, the executor who carries out things for me, has a name. She is becoming more real in my mind.
A long-held wish has been met, finally; we have a date that we have been waiting for, and now I can schedule many other things. So much has been waiting on that.
Last week, I had a realization about what I call Situation Z, and my wish this week is to understand the implications of that realization. Because, Wow!
What I want:
To understand what Situation Z means and its implications for The Rest of My Life! Also, how can I begin to Be In It?
Explorations:
Use proxies: Learning to fly, Cabo Bojador.
Talk to Future Me and all the other versions of Me that are part of this, including Scared Me and Worried Me and any monster voices.
OOD it!
Connect to other Missions, Operations, and Projects of the month.
My Commitment:
To take the time. To use the time.
To make the calls. (Call has several meanings in this context: including decisions and telephone calls, and they are mine to make.)
I felt a jolt of sadness upon reading your post, and also a sense of sad familiarity. In my previous relationship, it was *me* who did some sneaky dishonest things. In reading about seeing the alarm bells months before (I call them red flags), I was reminded of a book I read, “No More Mister Nice Guy”, by Robert Glover. Without going on and on about the book, I’ll just say that it helped me own my shit. I recommend the book to any man looking to be authentic and strong and open – and to any women looking for such men. Perhaps it can help refine the alarm/red flag system, at least. Anyway, hugs, and blessings of authentic, open relationships with strong humans.
Andy
-o-
Oh Havi! Sending you Even More Peacefulness Ease Safety Shelter and all the other qualities you desire.
And for me, some Goodbye, pattern of letting things slide.
Xoxox
**redacted into silent retreat**
“Goodbye, pattern of being falsely accused, followed by such genuine sweetness, love and grace that I allowed everything else to keep happening because the sweetness was so sweet and my craving for it so intense. ”
This makes me cry, yet I read it over and over again. This is me. This is my pattern of abuse. This is the place that I am desperately trying to break out of right now… 🙁 Seeing more of the false accusations and meanness and less of the sweetness is helping… but either way… goodbye. goodbye false accusations. goodbye accepting less than. goodbye martyrdom for someone who would not feel an ounce of pain on my behalf.
-o-
What I would like to Release: Impatience. Expectations. The need to be Right, Dammit. The kind of wanting that hurts.
Goodbye, goodbye. It’s OK to go now. Thank you.
~~~~~~~~~~~~ <3 ~~~~~~~~~~~~
Let me open, and open again.
To my light
To my power
To my shaking, fearful, tender, unsure, infant selves
To my courage
To my determination and ambition
To my capacity to bear this sensation
And this one
And this one too.
<3
Sending you sparklepoints and any and all salves that you might wish for.
Love MORE and Trust MORE. Wow.
Oh the wish of having all the information. Hearing a rumor about work and layoffs, hearing additional truths and not knowing if I will be matched to a job. The pain of waiting to hear even though you don’t have the information. Knowing you will be fine somehow even if you have to work at trader joes (autocorrect sends a new band for your blog called trader hoes which are a spin off of the avant gardeners I believe) as you read they make 130k as managers, wearing Hawaiian shirts after all. Then the universe weighs in with a Jim Carey video of all things, all 2 minutes on a Facebook post about doing what you love and failing since many of us fail at things we don’t want anyways and makes you feel worthless.
And you remind yourself of the story of the “good news bad news who knows” where the Chinese man’s son falls and breaks his legs and nebach, the neighbors feel sad for him but when the army comes he is exempt from fighting… You can remind yourself of these things at a distance they sound good but the gift to internalize… The peace of having all the information not the stress of piecemeal.
And the wish if being able to grieve. Because the job is up in the reduction in force air…you hold the grief. It’s after the shloshim but just 6 weeks ago -and now Father’s Day with its hallmark moment of consumerism is sending emails urging you to buy something for someone who no longer…oh big data you know so much about me already can’t you get one thing right, in your sights and leave me a-customization-lone?
Because the grief is heavy and the blindness of not having all the information yet being brave is akin to some Herculean task that should bring glory but likely dogs you an earlier grave or color resistant grey hair.
And the almost two year old says, simply, “no.” And “od shmone.” Instead of “tesha” (another 8 she says instead of nine). And it’s cute.
(love)
Leaving gwishes at the foot of the apple tree…for beauty and connection and hope and goodbye to being falsely accused and hello to sweet and dew-soaked aliveness. GWishing for plenty of apples that are surprising in their sweetness. And company under the tree.