Personal ads. They’re … personal! Very.
♡
What do I want?
I’ve been thinking out loud (okay, by text) with a few fellow secret agents recently about receiving, and how hard this is or can be.
About how much tangled up guilt/shame/stuff we have about it, and about the lessons inside of all this, related to accepting and receiving in various forms.
Lessons all over the place. Except bleah, life lessons is such a depressing phrase so I threw it in the anagram generator:
Selfless Ion. Lioness Self! Feels In Loss. Senses of I’ll. So Fill Sense. Foes Sell Sin. Isles of Lens!
The lesson isn’t really a lesson.
It’s a present, and a practice.
Or, to riff on something wonderful Max said, it’s like a meeting-up between one aspect of you and another aspect of you where you go, oh, right. And then you high five.
Or maybe you cry first and then hug it out.
What do I know about what I want?
I’m currently in many moments and experiences that fall into this category.
And I think it would in fact be helpful to be my Lioness Self:
Courageous, steady, beautiful, fully alive and present, equally committed to napping and to going after what I want, powerful, dynamic, bounding, moving forward with slinky cat steps.
This is, hilariously, all the same things I happen to be working on right now in my relationship with dance.
What I would like is to stop fighting the lessons, to stop grinding wheels, and start playing with all this intel my patterns are showing me.
To look up and recognize that this is a chance to meet Incoming me, not another reason to think I’m terrible at life, which is the au courant monster-theory.
What do I know about this so far?
Here’s what always helps:
Taking sweet pauses, saying yes to the red lights, remembering the purple pills, saying thank you to the broken pots.
And, really, saying thank you to — and for — everything I can think of.
Not because I “should” feel thankful. Not adding to guilt with more guilt.
This is not at all about diminishing the experience of the things that are hard, painful and challenging. Acknowledgment and legitimacy for the hard, always. Safety first!
Finding the good as a way of remembering my Lioness Self.
What else do I know about my Lioness Self in the Isle of Lens?
This has to do with presence and paying attention.
Noticing patterns, without judging myself for having the pattern (still, the monster chorus wants to add), or for being in it.
Noticing, especially, all the ways in which I care — a lot — about what other people think, when caring what they think falls into the category of Not My Job.
Remembering what Incoming Me said:
It. Doesn’t. Matter. What. They. Think.
Let go of this, my love. It is time to let this go.
What is an Isle of Lens?
It is the place where perspective is new.
It is the place of remembering truth.
It is quiet, a sanctuary. Just like not speaking. Being someone who lives in quiet has created my own Isle of Lens. It has gotten me to this point where I can access my Lioness Self.
I mean, I wouldn’t even know about my Lioness Self if I hadn’t first gotten quiet and steady enough to listen.
What do I want to try?
Noticing all the ways and moments in daily life which demonstrate that I am comfortable with receiving. Saying thank you for that.
Noticing all the ways and moments which demonstrate that I am deeply tangled up in these [Selfless Ions / Life Lessons], and resisting receiving things, experiences or intel that are being given to me.
Practicing radical forgiveness, internally directed. This freaks out the monsters, so we will call it something else.
Basically though, it’s this:
Remembering that past-me was in a rough place, she was working with minimal intel, she didn’t have the skills and tools we have now, she was functioning on very little sleep with very few resources, she didn’t know how to take care of herself.
Everything she did and every choice she made came from good intentions, she was doing what she could with the tools and information she had at the time. Maybe me-now would choose differently, and that’s fine. The point is, she was doing her best to get us here, and we made it! I’m here now.
And the best thing I can do is to glow love and appreciation for her, create safety for her, build safe rooms for her, and safe rooms for my fears.
Where do I want to start?
Interview incoming me to find out what she knows.
Skip stones as often as possible.
Dance. Intensity. Writing. Red lipstick. Eight breaths. My body gets the deciding vote.
Using the compass. Eight breaths: one in each direction.
Pleasure. Presence. Ease. Comfort. Emerge. Receive. Glow. Wild.
Saying thank you in advance.
Me: Hey, slightly-wiser me, what do you have for me?
She: Do you think your Lioness Self cares about whether or not people like her? Do you think she gives up on things that are important to her to accommodate other people’s fears, perceptions and distortions about who she is?
Her not-caring is not selfish. Her not-caring is part of her embodied grace.
The superpower of coming into your superpowers.
August is Emerging in the Fluent Self calendar.
The superpower of coming into your superpowers.
Look what’s emerging. A new relationship with “lessons” and a new relationship with receiving. I’ve spent the past couple of years and especially the past couple months letting go and letting go and letting go some more, emptying out. It makes sense that emerging and receiving is what is next.
And since this is the Year of Emerging & Receiving, of course that’s what is happening.
I named it in advance, and naming things in advance is a weird witchy magic. Or it’s not and it just provides a lens — an isle of lens — to give a new understanding of what is happening anyway.
Oh wow, what beautiful wishes.
Oh, wow. What beautiful wishes.
What else do I want?
- Everything is easier than I thought, and look, miracles everywhere.
- I have the best time dancing in my ballroom.
- This doesn’t require my input!
- Ha, it’s so perfect that it turned out like this. Past me is a GENIUS
- I have what I need, and I appreciate it. There are resources to do this.
- Trust and steadiness. I can see why this moment is good.
- I am fearless and confident. I do the brave things and it is not even a big deal, and I still get sparklepoints, yay.
- The superpower of Everything Enhances My Superpowers.
- Ops: Real Seeing. The Protocols. Sip Hint Learn. The Panache Brigade!
Clues?
Trying things on for size. The phrase “Rock On”. How do you catch flies?
Progress report on past Very Personal Ads.
So. Last week, aka lovingly curated…
This was super helpful for me. I was able to practice [treasuring my space] in a variety of ways.
I went through my phone and deleted every number whose name elicited a wince.
There were some I couldn’t bring myself to delete because (monsters here) What If This Person Tries To Contact You And You Don’t Know Who It Is And You Can’t Protect Yourself. So I just changed their names to things like You Don’t Trust This Person, You Don’t Like This Person, You Don’t Have To Respond.
Now they live in the Y section of my phonebook where I never look. So that was pretty great.
I also worked with this theme in taking more breaks and pauses, and in treasuring my dance space. Feeling good about this, and can’t wait to do more of it.
Attenzione! Attention, AGENTS.
I wish to whisper a whisper about the Monster Manual! It comes paired with the world’s best coloring book, which does so much monster-dissolving magic that even if you wait to try the techniques, you’ll still feel better about everything.
Self-fluency is hard enough, we need ways to to interact with the thoughts-fear-worry-criticism that shuts down creative exploring. And when people get the manual, I am able to me spend more time writing here. So if you don’t need help with monsters, get one for a friend. Or plant a wish that someone gets it for you! And bring people you like to hang out here. The more of us working on our stuff, the better for all of us. ♡
Keep me company?
Consider this an open invitation to deposit wishes, gwishes, personal ads. In any size/form you like, there’s no right way. Updates on past experiments are welcome too, as is anything sparked for you.
Commenting culture: This is safe space for creative exploration. We are on permanent vacation from care-taking and advice-giving. We are here to play.
Let’s throw things in the pot! And: Amnesty. Leave a wish any time you want.
xox
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Things that worked this week: filling the well, best practices. Gentle and slow. stopping and napping. this was all I could commit to and it helped bear me up in hard moments.
I am so happy that my consistency and committed practice really has created the Foundation and Temple I needed. I could feel the support.
WIW: To be Levanah. She is my incoming self. I have lots of intel on her, but making the transition is taking time, the way becoming Natasha took time, and I haven’t been Natasha lately either.
WTCW: I could review my notes and spend time during evening-sit, interviewing her. I can recommit to Natasha as N seems to be the doorway to L.
ICT: Keep asking questions, re-read my notes.
WIW: The Book. To stop dawdling and JUST WRITE IT. even without all the support I would like for it, stop making excuses and start the thing.
WTCW: I have a huge wellspring of support for this, thru wizard school and Project Cupcake. as much as I would love going on retreat, I think what I need is a schedule, a plan, and maybe a writing partner to keep me accountable.
ICT: Writing the plans and schedule by the Full Moon, finding my allies in this. Writing for this before the Moon goes New.
Other wishes, ops and seeds:
-it’s genius this worked out this way
-ease and gentleness
-Operation Hogwarts Express. Oy, so many parts to this
-Operation Clear the Barn, and ShipShape
-I’m an artist because I make art. I’m a dancer because I dance. I’m a writer because I write
-Operation Yellow Buttercup
-let’s back on all Best Practices this week.
What do I want? I will be traveling in new territory through the next fortnight, with known turf wars and other varieties of monster-magnets. I want to be safe. I want to be productive — to complete my assignments and then some. I want to look back with pleasure at how I choose to spend my money, time, and energy.
What do I know? I am better prepared for this mission — and whatever might come of it, or not — by far than Past Me would have been.
I am allowed to be a novice, and to make rookie mistakes.
I am allowed to ask questions.
I have an audience.
What else do I want? To see Project D safely through and to its new home.
What do I plan to try?
The red ink Rowan sent to me from Italy.
Different types of layering.
An earlier start.
Less baggage, more trust.
Clues?
Barcelona.
Some of my dearest rekindling their French studies.
All the yellow in the vat.
Warm wishes to all y’all!
Havi, I just started reading your posts regularly last December, but you cannot know how much they’ve done for me. These salves have been exactly what I need each month, they’ve felt like a cool drink of water. This is the first time I will try wishing for something. It’s the first time I’ve been so clear on what I want.
This month emerging reminds me of a butterfly coming out of its chrysalis. Caterpillars are often seen as the prequel to butterflies, kinda like the ugly duckling stage, but even in their adorable larval state, inside of them they have tiny, thin, whispy butterfly parts. Like little butterfly blueprints. They don’t just magically change from something “ugly” into beautiful flying creatures, they’ve always got it in them, they just need to nourish and care for themselves first.
What do I want? I want to remind myself that everything I am and want is like a bunch of caterpillars, chrysalises, and butterflies. Nourishment, Rest, Emerging. That’s a beautiful cycle. And I can go back and forth between any of those stages whenever I need to.
The new semester is starting. I’m almost done with school. I’m scared of the “real world” a little bit, but I’ve also got big goals. I want to set these things into motion! I want my abilities and confidence in teaching to start emerging. I want my tiny sweet thing of [selling my art] to start emerging. I want those things to be butterflies… happy, carefree, joyful, full of laughter and smiles. It can take as long as it needs- slow and steady, confidently.
I hope everyone’s week is going well 🙂 may you all have the qualities of caterpillars.
Little butterfly blueprints! I LOVE it. May it be so.
Butterfly blueprints inside! Oh, what beautiful wishes.
What beautiful wishes!
I have new spectacles, and I wish to see everything clearly through them.
I wish to love. I always wish to love.
I wish for Another New Opportunity.
I wish for an Aquatic General Embassy, etc.
I wish to proceed as if it were all going to work.
I wish for there to be time for everything I want to do.
I wish for a password for Operation Hoard.
I wished for Money For Piano Lessons, and then remembered that I have a delayed birthday cheque. Hurrah for wishes that are granted before I wish them!
Forward in all directions!
Last week I wanted checks and the feeling of being able to lie on the grass and write and have my own bathroom (which I thought had to happen miles away but could also happen here maybe) and today 3 checks arrived! Thank you, more please.
What worked?
Throwing out the bathwater of my book and taking the baby with me to a new book which now has scenes and outlines and structure and pages I can hold in my hand. And just writing.
What do I want?
I want to be able to make my characters sad/mad/anxious/scared/depressed/lonely/etc. since that is what makes a good book. But I realized that I have spent so much time having those feelings in my life, and then getting rid of them that I am having trouble doing that. So I want the strength to trust my characters to have the normal bad things happen and be ok, and to trust that what they are getting into won’t seem contrived and if it is I can always fix it.
Lioness self is equally committed to napping and to going after what I want: YES! High five!
Moving the people to the Y section of the contacts: High and low five! That is a slick spy dance move right there. ADMIRE!
Oh, wow. What beautiful wishes!
This week, I am (in my imagination, which is a powerful place) standing at the edge of a beautiful river, whispering my wishes to a waterfall.
My commitment: to become more and more awake, and to remember that if I want to do this, I need to rest.
What beautiful wishes! Love to all of them!
I love this lioness self and I also love the Senses of I’ll. Fierce strong me has a great sense of I’ll — of what I’ll do and what I’ll not do.
This week Lioness Me is all about the Anagram Projects: the Dusk Rites, Duly Adorn, Lace Scarf, Inapt Hugs, and especially the Cosmic Hug project.
The big deal this week is the Cosmic Hug! Wishing and Gwishing for this to be successful in all the ways.
Last week was all about sisterhood. I spent time with both my sisters and doing things for the Sister Cities Association. The weather was delightful all week, even the day it rained. I am wishing for more weeks like that!
Life lessons: foes sell sin.
How true! Friends who lure me into doing things I shouldn’t are not really friends; they are foes. “Sinning” against myself, not necessarily something that others would define as sin. If they know it’s not good for me and want me to do it anyway — or if they know that it’s better if do something and try to talk me out of it — they are not friends.
Example: N vs las fichas.
Omg you are a genius with the ‘you don’t trust this person’ phone entries. So many people in my phone I wince when I see. Thank you so much.