My friend Michael has this theory.
It’s been at least a decade since he explained it to me so there’s pretty much no way I can do justice to its twisted brilliance/hilarity, but the basic idea is this:
Sometimes we fall out of synch with the world. Or with ourselves. Or both.
I imagine it starts with a sort of grinding sound. There you are. Out of alignment. And then everything stops working.
This morning, for instance.
Let’s see.
Within the first hour of awakeness, I managed to:
- stub two toes (twice!)
- bruise my shin
- trip on the stairs
- have a complete breakdown thanks to the ear-splitting migraine-inducing combination of shrieking toddler, screaming baby and yapping dogs from next door (and that was before the leaf-blowers started in)
- discover I’ve lost the notebook that has all the copy for my next two programs and the notes for the class I’m teaching today
- spill hot water everywhere
And some other things I’m not particularly cheered by or proud of.
Back to the theory.
According to Michael, the only thing to do on a day like this is to barricade yourself somewhere (at home, if at all possible) and wait it out.
Because days like this don’t get better.
And if they do, then yes that’s a pleasant surprise, but it might as well happen from the bunker.*
* It helps, in theory, if the bunker has a bed. And notebooks to write in. And books to read. And food.
And you wait for the next wave. For the moment when you can jump back into the flow of the world.
When you can be with it (and possibly yourself) in a way that’s slightly less agonizing if not necessarily harmonious.
Friction and resistance.
That’s why we’re out of synch.
But also what then makes it so impossible to do the thing (stopping) to come back.
This out-of-synch thing happens fairly often, of course.
As do these moments of recalibration.
But there is something about these particular days when the out-of-synch is so completely palpable that you can practically count the beats. You can feel how far you’re off.
The thing is, the pulling back sucks. There are these weighty things (work, jobs, having to pay the mortgage) that make pulling back impossibly challenging. Or just impossible.
The urgency monsters have pretty strong opinions (Doom! Doom! Doom!) about what will happen if you just stop.
Even when you know it’s the conscious stopping and pulling back that allows you to find the next opening.
Studies have shown…
It takes time to do enough self-investigation to be able to show them the numbers. To prove:
- That stopping does make it easier to catch the next wave.
-
That pausing to get back on beat is a smart, strategic thing to do.
-
That consciously taking a moment — even if that moment is a day — is not the same as falling into despair.
That it’s about choice and mindfulness and sovereignty.
This takes way more practice than most of us are willing to try. To get to that point where we can say, “Our studies have shown that catching the next wave is the appropriate course of action in a situation such as this.”
The point where you know going into OFF mode (even when you don’t want to be there) is actually part of the biggification process.
I’m not even slightly there yet. Still in research mode.
Sometimes I can’t even remember that there is a next wave.
But I take solace from Svevo — my wise, kooky, totally-related-to-me uncle.
This is what he says, in his delightful way of combining being totally subversive with a beautiful sense of wonderment:
“There’s this pretty intense societal pressure to be awake and do things. I’ve never really understood that.”
This is what I am going to think about while I sequester myself in a temporary shelter — some sort of place of in-between. A canopy of peace, maybe.
I’m going to wait for the next wave. The next force field (one that fits a little better). The new skin. The next round.
Counting the beats and talking to the walls and remembering whatever it is I need to remember right now.
And comment zen for today.
We all have our stuff. We’re all working on our stuff. We let everyone else have their stuff. It’s a practice.
We try to give ourselves and everyone else enough time and space to catch whatever waves they need to catch.
We can wish each other good things and give comfort and support, and we don’t try to hurry anyone out of where they are. That’s it. *blows kiss*
Wow, this is perfect timing. Right now I have pain issues, plus migraine-induced weakness that means I *can’t* do the chores I feel like I should.
The logical thing would be to chill out on the bed, maybe knit a little, and read something fun, right?
Except. Monsters. Or self-thrown shoes, all with the word “SHOULD!” on the sole. About how I should be tidying, and should be writing, and. Argh.
I’ve told myself – nothing is going to catch fire, explode, or start to smell if I don’t do the chores. They’re not desperate. And frankly, chilling out and recalibrating would make it easier to do them (At a later date).
So yeah. Perfect timing. Thank you Havi.
Oh sweet Christ on a cracker, what is in the water today? I lost a check that was sitting on my desk last night. I swear. I didn’t move it, and yet no sign of it today.
I have spilled so many things today, I can’t even count. Literally, before I read this post, I thought, “I am living in an alternative world from the one I lived in yesterday.”
I feel like nothing is pinned down, like things can just get up and walk away on their own.
Sigh.
Waiting it out.
.-= Bridget´s last post … No More Spiritual Poverty Or- Say Goodbye to Angstry =-.
(Me, self-editing, before I even start!)
I think I already wrote a post where I referenced my father’s thing about “take the mental healthy day before it takes you” — so yeah, if you’re at work in an office instead of at work in a home office, sometimes it’s okay to have a family emergency that is just for you.
I’m so sorry you’re having a day of recalibration. But you should know that I sometimes wonder how you do all that you do — which is ever-so-much. I’m sending you lots of thoughts of fluffy pillows for you (and of ones for Selma, too, who probably also needs a day in the bunker).
.-= Liz´s last post … NVC Podcast Day 10- Words of evaluation =-.
@Bridget – seriously. I think today might be a universal We’re All Out of Whack day or something. Stupid alternative universe. Sighing with you.
@Jack – oh yeah. That sucks. Sounds like bed is a plan. Sending love!
Whoa.
Totally.
Yes. And for me too, today. I think maybe it was the universe skipped a beat and fell out of synch with itself, let alone all the rest of us, too.
Hang on, gang. At least we’re not alone in it.
I think using Studies have shown… when referring to my own not-very-scientific experiments and internal investigations is my new favorite phrase.
I’m sorry that it took all of this out-of-sync-ness though, for me to discover it. Hunkering down with you in spirit!
.-= Briana´s last post … Smoochie Anderson =-.
Your Uncle Svevo would feel right at home at my house, where afternoon naps (sometimes preceded and followed by naplets!) are the heart of the day. 🙂
Some days really are just out of sync. The flow is always there, but we get caught in an eddy and swirl around going nowhere fast. Makes for head-spinning, nauseating whirligigs, for which the only known cure is stepping out of the current for a while, and taking a nap or three.
Wishing you the next wave in perfect timing, Havi…
Love, Hiro
.-= Hiro Boga´s last post … Nine years ago- today… =-.
Wow. I can see why your Uncle Svevo brings you such delight. He’s right about the societal pressure to be awake and do things, but I’ve never understood it as such before. People feel such guilt around things like sleeping in. And restful days. And it’s policed by ourselves, our friends, those around us, the media. It’s like gender policing! Eek! I just got really excited. Much to think on. Much love to you in your canopy of peace today.
.-= Kylie´s last post … a bouquet of newly sharpened pencils =-.
Hate to nay-say, but how in the world would you stay home and barricade yourself to catch the next wave and still actually KEEP YOUR JOB…that is if you are the typical 9-5-er? What is the solution for those of us who cannot possibly stay home on days like this?
I know these moments. Especially the smaller ones. If I can see that I’m in one, I go make tea.
It makes me step back, literally into another room. My brain takes a break from whatever I am entangled in. Brain Break!
It’s like a reset button. Plus, TEA!
It took forever to get to this point and sometimes I still get too wound up in the hard, but when it works, lovely calm helpful resetting.
.-= Kathryn´s last post … Of necessity =-.
Ugh. Being out of synch sucks. The only thing worse than being out of synch, is being forced to go through the rest of your day. You burned breakfast, stubbed your toe, the sky is falling, and you can’t find ANYTHING you’re looking for, only to have to go to work and pretend that the smile that’s plastered onto your face resembles anything close to the real thing.
Good times.
These days happen less and less for me, but when they do, it’s painful. I try my best to take inventory of the day, to figure out at exactly what point did the inconvenience of ruining my morning toast result in me wanting to commit random acts of homicide by four in the afternoon? Yet I push on, like a tired soldier who just wants to curl up in a trench and cry for mommy.
I suppose that those feelings of yuck can’t be forcibly removed. Maybe like so much other stuck, I just have to negotiate with it. At least long enough for me to not start taking hostages.
.-= Kaleena´s last post … Maps =-.
Taking a time out is not the same as falling into despair. Yes!
Whether it’s going to bed at the first sign of a scratchy throat or withdrawing from the office in favor of a novel and a Diet Coke, I’ve found the line of least resistance is also the surest path back to engagement with life.
This morning a client and I were talking about how to “pivot,” martial arts style, when negative force is coming at you. Taking a time out is like that pivot, when we let it be.
.-= Molly Gordon, Self-Employment Coach´s last post … Authenticity and Self Employment Deb Bailey =-.
Words!
@Havi “recalibration.”
@Bridget “sweet Christ on a cracker!”
@HiroBoga “Naplets!”
.-= Mahala Mazerov´s last post … How To Do Loving Kindness Meditation =-.
Ok, now I simply *must* have a Recalibration Canopy.
It should be portable.
And have tasseled fringe.
(I spend more days with the gyroscope out of balance than synced. I have a lot of stubbed toes, lost things, and once? It took me five tries to get a cup of coffee made.)
.-= Tori Deaux´s last post … Every Circus Starts With A Parade =-.
How funny and perfect that you posted this today!
I’ve been feeling out of synch lately, and have been practicing this waiting it out thing. But it wasn’t until this morning that I woke up at 11 am and didn’t feel guilty about it. Previous to that, I was doing the waiting with a roomful of monsters telling me I needed to get my ass in gear.
I so totally agree… In fact, I think the out-of-synch moments are part of a bigger flow. We need the rest to assimilate, regroup, reflect or just simply be before we can go at it again.
And I’m fine with that!
.-= Melody´s last post … Nutrition- Make Your Salad Exciting Peach-Basil Vinaigrette =-.
Uncle Svevo’s comment reminds me of my friend’s mother, Pat. Back in the late 60’s. A sales man came to her door selling vacuums. She politely told him clean wasn’t important to her.
Delightful and subversive.
Pat is amazing.
.-= Julianna´s last post … Bacon Camp Throwdown! =-.
Stubbing your toe – twice – sounds like more fun than I’d get into intentionally. However, If you go watch this video over at http://shivanata.com/watch/ you won’t be able to do anything but smile.
I tried a bit of homemade Shiva Nata last night after a walk around the city. – My brain seemed to be trying to rewire itself.
Anybody who is pushing the limits of self – they way I experienced you as I did for the first time last evening (found you from Chris Guillebea’s manifesto or one of his pdfs.) is going to have days that feel like the physical is out of synch.
Re-read your own post and see how many places you point out the obvious reason for the stubs and scratches and bruises – you’re doing metaphysical Circque du Soleil – it seems only natural.
And, thanks for sharing – because that makes it all seem that much more real.
I look forward to more about Biggification, Destuckification, and Shiva Nata
– Sending out a metaphysical band-aids and ointment
Brian
I love your Uncle Svevo. Nice to have a genetic connection to someone so wise and…zen. No wonder!
I like to think of days like that as sick days from school. They’re a bummer, but also oddly enjoyable because you have a legitimate excuse to take to bed with comic books or notebooks and tea. 🙂
.-= Rupa´s last post … How to be Deliriously Happy in Under 60 Seconds =-.
Loving your Uncle Svevo- being awake and going things are quite overrated at times!
I have found that just knowing I am PREPARED for a barricade is reassuring.
So I always have a pile of novels from the library and cozy places planned for escaping to. Just having the plan can sometimes calm me down and when necessary- give me permission to activate the barricade.
The peice you highlight that I still need work on is trusting that this will lead to recalibration. Sometimes it feels hard to move out of the barricade!
This is great. Love the idea of recalibrating your day, and barricading until storm passes.
@MommyLisa… I feel that way about having the four year old, esp. when I had migraines and my husband was gone for a month. No way to bunker physically or remove self from situation. Instead, had a “good enough” day. He got to watch movies for way longer than he should and eat soft bread and butter while I wrapped up in afghan on couch.
As far as day job, I used to try to do little homey things to feel better: little pictures, quote from a friend, tiny toys. I will say this: don’t bring in lavender aromatherapy. We all kept getting sick because the building was sealed, so I had the bright idea to bring in essential oils and little crock-pot thing.
Almost knocked myself out falling asleep onto my keyboard. While typing! 🙂
.-= Cathy´s last post … No More Muse Potato =-.
I love your Uncle Svevo. I do feel that pressure. Why?
I had one of those out-of-synch days the other day. No fun at all. I went to bed right after dinner because I just couldn’t take it anymore.
I’m sorry about your morning. Sending wishes for quiet – or for loud noises to be encased in their own bunker so you can’t hear them.
Perfect timing for me, I’m supposed to be starting a week of resting and sabbatical and I’m so freaking resistant to it, even though I’m almost weeping with tiredness all the time. My urgency monsters are having a field day with me.Seriously considering putting a cloth over the computer and ‘do not enter’ tape across my study doorway!
.-= Kirsty Hall´s last post … New chicken video =-.
Weird. Today has been like this for me as well! I got some good advice, too, that I can pass on. I shall reveal it to you now:
unplug
.-= Scott McDowell´s last post … The Things Joe Strummer Says to Me =-.
@Havi Before I read this I was having the most oFf dAY in a loooong time. This was just what I needed to hear.
thank You.
Peace & Onions,
Amy
.-= Amy Martin´s last post … How To Be A Rabid- Peace-Loving Negotiator- Asia-Style =-.
Oh, I am loving the permission to have an out-of-sync day, and to acknowledge it as such, and allow it to be what it is. When I’m having a day like that, I find that the more I try to resist it, push past it, suck it up, or any of that tough-love kind of stuff, the more thoroughly I find myself falling apart.
At such times, I do try to retreat (retreeeeeat!) to the bunker, in one way or another. When I don’t feel I can give myself a day, I give myself a few hours, or even just one hour. If I can cancel or reschedule appointments, I do. If I can’t, I look for ways I can tweak my day to make it gentler, to give myself some space. Just giving myself that kindness and care, just sending myself the message that it’s okay to do so, makes all the difference.
.-= Kathleen Avins´s last post … Re-invention =-.
It is hard to take a day off when you have a 2-year-old for company. Bunkers aren’t good with 2-year-olds. Those are the days when I wonder what the heck I was thinking when I moved to Bolivia.
.-= Amber´s last post … The Dinner Hour =-.
Oh man, if life is a series of waves, I’ve been hanging out in a secluded cabana with a fruity drink for quite some time now. I think I’m just accustomed to being out-of-step or perhaps too anxious to try to get back in step. Like trying to jump double-dutch but always getting whacked with jumpropes. Or trying to catch a wave but never picking the right wave or paddling quite hard enough to get up on your board.
Hope tomorrow’s all smooth for ya!
.-= claire´s last post … Favorite semi blurs =-.
Ugh. Sorry to Havi and everyone in the same un-synced boat. Man, I had that day, too. Started out covered in mosquito bites for the first time this year (hello, end of summer?) and then nearly missing a client appointment. It ended when I took myself out for dinner and locked my sweetie and me outside. One of these off-days I’ll have the conviction to turn back around at the front door in the morning and say Nope, gonna just cut my losses today.
Here’s to everyone hopping onto a glorious synced-up smooth tomorrow wave.
.-= Sandra´s last post … Whirling Dervishes =-.
Completely agree both with the theory and the advice of your friend.
I liken these days to when a zipper gets all out of whack and the wrong teeth are against the wrong teeth and if you just keep tugging at it it gets worse so you have to undo the zipper and start over again.
This was such perfect timing. Yesterday was a total hunker-down-and-wait-it-out kind of day, but I didn’t realize it until it was too late and I was about five minutes away from a total meltdown.
However, I finally let myself pick up your Destuckification Kit and retreated under the covers with it. After the aural equivalent of a hug and a cup of tea, I felt like the world maybe wasn’t quite so impossible or overwhelming.
Focusing on grounding and breathing and remembering boundaries today. I hope everyone else can do the same.
.-= Julia´s last post … Comment on Inspiration Cards 2 by Julia =-.
These are the days when I go to bed early just to make it end…
In the meantime, tea-making helps.
.-= MrsA2B´s last post … After the rain… =-.
Man, is this true for me — if it’s all out of whack, a time-out from doing stuff is the most reliable way to let things fall back into whack.
And what is EQUALLY true is how hard — like, re-heelly hard — it is to remember that, when I’m actually a scurfuffle with the universe. Or maybe it’s the one picking on me, I don’t know.
The last time I let myself take a day off and rest, my entire week was so wonderful. The next week, I allowed no rest when I needed it and my entire week was a grind, and not productive whatsoever.
And, I so feel the pressure to get-up-and-be-productive! I thought it was the Protestant work ethic I am attempting to disinherit from my upbringing. Now, I think it’s just society.
I may just go take a nap. As soon as I send an email to Louise… 😉
Luv,
LG
PS — @elizabethhalt You couldn’t take it anymore! How not fun. TOTALLY relate. And — going to bed is SUCH a great cure for that, thanks for the reminder 🙂
.-= Laurie´s last post … Lessons from a bug =-.
Yep. Unbelievably hard day at work. Wishing I could have four days off to recover but I can’t.
Eerryuuu. It’s been nuilding. I am also convinced it’s in the bleeding water!
xx
.-= Leila Lloyd-Evelyn´s last post … Creating a home for our secrets =-.
nuilding…meaning…building of course. ay yi yii!
.-= Leila Lloyd-Evelyn´s last post … Creating a home for our secrets =-.