Or: the difference between process and actual destuckifying.
When people set off on the trail of destuckification, it often happens that they hit the Grinding Your Wheels In The Mud phase.
What wheel-grinding looks and sounds like:
- Looping conversations in our head, where we repeatedly run through all the things they did or said, and the things we could or should have.
- Bringing this “he said, she said” cycle into other interactions and conversations and hashing it out even more.
- Perceiving other people’s experiences (or reactions to our experience) as shoes being thrown in our direction.
- Long, drawn-out assessments of the problem from different angles.
- Soap opera reporting (“and then he did X and she couldn’t believe that I didn’t”).
Of course, the wheel-grinding isn’t necessarily the problem in and of itself.
Wheel-grinding can be surprisingly useful, which is partially why we do it.
You can have a long wheel-grinding session with a friend, or bring your wheel-grinding to your coach or tell the whole saga to a hollowed out tree in the forest.
And you’ll feel better.
Because it’s a form of release. And because the brain loves a puzzle. So the whole time that we’re process-process-processing the hurt and the pain and the stuck, the brain is hard at work.
At some point, whether you’re talking to a therapist or a wall, some sort of insight will emerge. Some pattern will reveal itself. Something will become dislodged.
So it’s not that grinding our wheels in the mud is necessarily the wrong thing to do. It’s just that (as the therapist knows — probably the wall knows it too), it’s not destuckification.
What destuckification looks like.
It’s about conscious approach.
It’s about being inquisitive about the pain and what it needs, without living in the pain.
It’s about giving legitimacy for the hard without believing that the perception of the hard is necessarily the full story.
It’s about owning your crap. And separating out what’s yours from what’s theirs. Asking compassionate questions and setting clear boundaries.
It’s mindful, playful, curious, loving.
It involves taking active steps to change things and not just repeating the loop.
It’s the difference between being in the loop and being someone who recognizes that she’s in the loop and can say:
“Oh, look at that! Huh. I’m in the loop. Okay. I know this loop. And even though I don’t know how to get out of this loop, I do know that I’m allowed to be here.
“And I know that every time I draw attention to the fact that I’m in this and give myself permission to not like it, I’m getting more room. I’m separating from the experience of the loop and becoming someone who is interacting with a loop.”
What “taking active steps” means.
Well, it means try something. It means doing something with the stuck whenever we catch ourselves chanting the stuck stuck stuck stuck song.
For example. You can:
Give permission and legitimacy: reminding yourself that there is always a reason for feeling whatever you happen to be feeling. And without knowing that reason, it is okay for you to be where you are.
Be curious about whose pain this is. Who is talking? How old are you?
Ask: Is this from now? Is it possible that something about this situation is reminding me of a past situation and I’m going there instead of being here?
Separate: Even if the perceptions and sensations from now are reminding me of then, what are ten ways that now is not then? What are some of the skills and abilities I have at my disposal now that I didn’t know about then?
Build safe rooms for your sad scared selves and find out what the monsters have to say. Bring in a negotiator to talk to the part of you who is feeling anxious.
Assess: is this mine? Or is it possible that I’m picking up on other people’s stuff?
Go into detective mode: What are the patterns at play here? What aspects of these patterns can I map out? Where are the gaps where I can introduce new elements so that the pattern has no choice but to begin to rewrite itself?
Bring someone else to the front of the V. Do five minutes of Shiva Nata to get your neurons out of the habit of following their favorite pathways.
Turn your attention to helping other people feel safe, welcomed, supported, or whatever the experience is that you want to be having yourself.
Destuckifying means having options.
It’s a bigger toolbox.
It’s a more detailed map.
It’s knowing where the edges are.
And it’s practice.
Here’s how we practice.
By noticing when wheel-grindy stuff shows up.
Stepping back and assessing the situation.
And then doing something to shake up the pattern.
- A physical thing like changing how you’re sitting or easing into a yoga pose.
- An energy thing like synching your breathing to a slower, more intentional rhythm or using acupressure points to access a state of calm.
- An emotional thing like finding out what your walls think.
- A mental thing like mapping the patterns or changing the video game.
- An awareness thing like a meditation technique or prayer or observing your reactions.
It doesn’t really matter. It can be anything that appeals to you.
The point is that it’s something that takes us out of the struggle of the wheel-grinding and the mud, and into a conscious relationship. With the vehicle and the mud and ourselves and the path and all of it.
And comment zen for today.
We all have our stuff. We’re all working on our stuff. It’s an ongoing practice. We’re not in a rush.
We let people have their own experience, which means that we’re supportive and kind, and we don’t give advice (unless people specifically ask for it).
You’re more than welcome to share stuff you’re working on, things you’re thinking about related to destuckifying.
Love to all the commenter mice and the Beloved Lurkers and everyone who reads. Besos.
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Loved this. Recognise the wheel-grinding, and the realising it needs active steps stage, and blimey, I might even have used some of those tools too.
One thing I am learning to remember is that a revelation, or earth-shattering insight doesn’t automatically guarantee that the same stuck or a similar problem with the same root won’t crop up again.
I used to be so furious with myself when I fell back into an old pattern even after seeing what it was about. Now I’m old enough and ugly enough to realise that it takes many visits, and many insights, to sink down to the deepest levels, and that’s okay.
Happy New Year to you!
This will be the post I print out, decorate, and post near my desk. Because I always know there is a way I could use a Fluent Self technique in whatever situation I’m in. But I can’t always think of them all at once. I know I want to bring awareness, and allow myself to feel that way, and then…I go blank on what to do next. So thank you. For stating possibilities altogether like this. There’s so much to play with here.
Augh. AUGH. Havi. This post. This is me. Everything you said under “What wheel-grinding looks and sounds like” is what I do, all the time, for everything ever. Seriously.
I am especially bad at getting stuck in the cycle of replaying the situation in loops… when the situation is entirely imaginary and born of my own worries or expectations-of-other-people’s-reactions or fears. That is my quicksand, right there. It is so hard to break that pattern, even when I recognize it’s a pattern.
And the idea of being not in the mud and the stuck? Imagining myself outside of that rut and better able to interact consciously, gently with it? Sort of feels like removing a very well-entrenched root system from my torso, where all the tiny little root endings are pulling on the muscles between my ribs. And it makes that ripping sound – you know, the one you hear when you’re trying to change an overgrown houseplant’s pot to a bigger one, and all the white root-tips just won’t let go of the dirt, so they tear off and stay with the soil? Yeah, that sound. That feeling.
Thank you for this post – I will be coming back to it many a time when I am spinning my wheels and need a little bit of perspective.
Yep, bookmarking the heck out of this. It’s almost like a checklist of possible directions to go when I’m stuck. Which is… just what I’d been wishing for. Thank you.
Such a gentle, non-drama, informational description of stuckness/wheel grinding and all the usual things we do when we’re in it.
At 41 years old, I’m slowly coming to the place where I’m wondering if I actually need to have wheel-grinding sessions with a good listening ear. I used to vent all the time, but after doing it through a couple of recent crises, I’m seeing that I don’t feel necessarily feel better verbalizing the hurt and drawing another person into the issue.
Of course, it’s always nice to have validation, but what feels better for now, at this point in my life, when I remember (ha!) is to stand in my sovereignty. Such a marvelous word (Thanks, Havi and Hiro!). In that place, I know my feelings are valid, I can see the grinding and loops for what they are, and I don’t have to run in and FIX the problem.
Fantastic “active steps” and “how we practice” checklists! I think I’m going to put them in my comfort notebook so I can remind myself of what to do when I’m caught in a grind and can’t pull out.
Warm thanks–
@Kylie… YES!
Me too: print, decorate, post by desk and also possibly tattoo onto forehead, or at least reiterate by hand into journal. Periodically.
x!
I really appreciate the gentle way that you approach things. It feels much more manageable to me. And I find it tremendously helpful – so thank you for that.
Thank you for this Havi. Great ideas for trying to deal with the constant loop that I end up in from time to time where, although I can eventually see the positive in a situation, I still beat myself up for what I didn’t do. Hmm! This post will be bookmarked and printed out for the inevitable next time.
In the decluttering world wheel-grinding is often called churning. As in, stirring things around without making any real progress getting rid of things.
I like the term wheel-grinding because (from a clutter stuckness standpoint) it brings up the image of flinging items around without moving forward.
But after reading this post I also realized that churning in a destuckifying way (*practicing* mindful churning) can help eventually separate the butter from the whey (e.g., something is accomplished, including changing one’s attitudes). That’s the way it actually feels, too. I never liked that term before but now it seems more hopeful.
Also, all the items from the “taking active steps” list are soooo relevant to the feelings that make it hard to let go of so much of one’s physical possessions/papers/things-i-might-need-someday.
Thanks, Havi!
Umm…Havi, me thinks yr psychic. Saw you in my inbox, decided to save you for later i.e. when I get to work.
An hour into work: freaking-out and feeling stuckified. Remembered you in my inbox.
Exactly what I needed. Spooky-cool.
Love and thank youuuuus!
Ha, summaries. I love summaries. They are so useful for learning. Also, for printing out and sticking on the wall. Thanks Havi!
Notice. Assess. Do something to shift the pattern.
I want to reflect on these steps often, to help me remember the next time I get stuck — and the next time, and the next.
Thanks, Havi.
Recognized the wheel grinding on sight in your perfect description!
Now, to be better at recognizing when it’s actually happening and step back. I’m seeing a kind of “co-grinding” pattern with another that seems to reinforce itself and never go forward. Hmmm… will think on how to change/move/be with that.
Yes… yum… helpful distinctions.
Because there are so *many* territories to cross on the trail of destuckification, and many loop-back pathways as well.
And there’s the bit before you get on the trail (or when you’ve lost the trail for a while) which is just… kinda blind feelings… like FEAR and CONFUSION and FRUSTRATION and DESPAIR. When you feel so stuck but can’t SEE anything around that stuck.
From that point, for me, wheel-grinding was *progress*. Because that was when I started to see the old hurts and stories that created/contributed to the fear etc.
And I got excited about that: I can see! I can see! And yeah, then I looped over and over these stories, analysing and analysing, trying to think my way out of them. And I got frustrated: I can see you now, so why can’t I fix you?!
Until the day came when I could somehow step back and see the wheel-grinding, instead of being in it. Another level: I can see! I can see!
OMG, it just occurred to me… are there infinite levels of seeing that continue to spiral out and out? Like those infinite reflection type situations? I think I just broke my mind 😉
Ha! Yes. @Rebecca – there *are* multiple and probably infinite levels of seeing. Those moments where you’re all “ooh, I get it! Like this!” and then the next level of that and the next one. Very disconcerting. And brilliantly described. 🙂
Wow, I feel like I stumbled on a total Fluentself cheat sheet. This is wonderful, thank you.
Oh Havi, thank you for that.
It put all the pieces together and actually didn’t leave me feeling stupid and small, like most times when suddenly the pieces are all there.
Brilliant.
I am reading and re-reading this and having many ah hahs.
thanks Havi 🙂
I think this post really needs to go into the best-of section, because it is incredibly useful, with a great summary of a lot of the techniques you talk about.
I am stuck. Stuck. Stuck.Stuck. Not just stuck- loopy stuck. My pattern goes something like this….(this is streaming thought so I apologize that it isn’t grammatically correct) “I’m bored at my job, okay time to change my job…great idea! How do I change my job…well I could do this, or I could follow the instructions of this, I think I will tell everyone- I’m changing my job…I think I will run my own business, oh wait…well I got straight A’s in school for interior design… BUT, Im not good enough, I’m not pretty enough, there is so much out there already…well, I got an A in my creative writing class…ya maybe that’s it…I think I will write…no maybe not…I’m too tired of work…but hey… here is a great idea…or wait, I could make a website…no, I’m stuck remember?”
Wash. Rinse. Repeat. I have had the same goals for 15 years. I want to be free I want to be creative but my big BUT gets in the way and not BUTT although I need to kick it!
I adore your quirky website! Keep it up!
This is a classic “ME, TOO!” post from someone who may be about to become you most recent “Beloved Lurker”.
Or I may just make this my HomePage for a while . . . I’ll be grinding my wheels on that idea for a bit here . . .