It is the weekend and we are here.
{a breath for Friday.}
What worked this week?
Deeper breathing.
Ten minutes on the floor.
Eyes closed.
Waiting until my breath changes.
Asking: What would get me to the whole-hearted yes?
And then really listening, even when it was scary to ask.
Next time I might…
Make more wishes!
This week was Rally W, so it was the Week of Wishes, and I let myself wish all the wishes, and it was awesome.
Terrifying, useful, liberating, beautiful. All of that.
It is shaking things up, all of this permission to want, without attachment to whether or not I receive any of it, just focusing on the qualities, picking up clues about my relationship with desire.
I sat with a notebook and rattled off 58 wishes, and ohmygod they were such beautiful wishes.
Eight breaths for the hard, challenging and mysterious.
- Waiting on a piece of news. A breath for trust.
- I know that I said I did all the scary things last week, and I did. This week there were more scary things. A breath for comfort.
- Falling apart one afternoon, for very valid reasons. A breath for remembering that of course these are valid reasons.
- I am still feeling hurt about past endings. A breath for looking again and finding the treasure.
- Emptying my purse and forgot the zippered pocket was open: phone is smashed and doesn’t work. Today I had to cancel all my plans to take a million buses to the genius bar to find out if anything can be salvaged. A breath for this, and for the very interesting timing of being unreachable right now.
- It turns out that I have some big, big feelings that I wasn’t expecting to feel. Beautiful feelings, but unexpected and surprising. They are shaking things up. A breath for staying grounded and centered.
- Had a bit of a meltdown. It was partly about some big choices and possibilities coming up, all of which scare me. Partly from getting overloaded and too much time around people. Partly from the news in the world. Partly from old worries resurfacing. A breath for courage.
- Inhale, exhale. Goodbye (and thank you), mysteries and hard moments of this week.
Eight breaths of good, reassuring, delight-filled.
- Kapow! Danielle made me go do a Regrounding with her (our secret code for taking care of our feet) and it was lovely. Richard asked what color my toenails would be when I returned, and I said: whatever color scares me the most. I went with KAPOW! It’s a hot electric look-at-me-right-now pink, and it is fabulous and wow. A breath for saturated color, for richness, for play, for the part of me who is ready to be seen.
- I did more scary things and I am okay! A breath for courage.
- Dancing in the hotel bar. A breath for pleasure.
- Listening for the whole-hearted yes. A breath for being able to do this.
- Wearing the giant white floppy hat and getting upgrades all over the place because that hat is serious magic. Whenever I wear this hat, for some inexplicable reason, everyone I encounter decides I am this mysterious, gorgeous, very chic woman who needs to have the best of everything in life, and random strangers constantly tell me how stunningly beautiful I am. This hat is like, the me who winters in Palm Springs and is fabulous. I love this hat. I love the things that happen when I wear this hat. Also, it was a gift from my mother and took me years to actually wear it. A breath for things that are surprising and extraordinary.
- Dancing. Really, really, really great dancing. Connection. Delight. A whole-hearted yes of a dance. A breath for creative play, joyful movement and not being in almost anymore.
- Operation Gem Springs. Amazing dance workshops. Wonderful dances. I am finding the treasure. I am trying new things. I am learning and taking care of myself. A breath for everything about this.
- Appreciation and thankfulness. I am learning the things I want to learn. Incoming me is wise and hilarious and gives me good counsel. Being home after my travels is amazing. Red lipstick. Lovely surprises. Nothing is wrong. Now is not then. All Timing Is Right Timing. People offer me a ride when I need one. I have a red fan in my bedroom. I thought I re-injured my ankle but it’s okay now. So many things are good. A breath for deep appreciation in my thank-you heart.
WHAM BOOM! Operations completed.
Huge progress on the latest Sip Hint Learn, and many Tiny Liberations. Additionally completed Operation A New Hello, and asked for a status update on Operation 33, even though asking for a status update is always where I get stuck. Wham Boom.
Superpowers!
Powers I had this week…
The power of wishes and the power of boldly going where I wanted to go anyway.
Superpowers I want.
Same as last week. The power of unapologetically and unwaveringly trusting my instinct.
Salve. The Salve of Boldly Going Where You Wanted To Go Anyway.
This salve is about self-trust, but it is really about so much more than that. When you rub this salve into your skin, things soften and relax.
It dissolves all those patterns where you cut yourself off from your wisdom in order to be polite or not be in the way or whatever the reasons are that we don’t allow ourselves to bravely trust the thing we already know to be true.
This salve is the antidote to people-pleasing patterns. With this salve, there are no more moments of yes that are really just bland not-exactly-no acquiescing to something that you don’t want. No more wincing yes. No more resigned okay-sure.
The secret of this salve is that it serves everyone. There is nothing selfish about it, just the opposite. This salve quiets the doubt chatter and the layers of worrying about what other people might think. It allows you to really know where you want to be, and to stride towards it without apologizing.
Wearing this salve turns you into a beacon. Other people will see that striding and be inspired to stride for themselves. This salve may launch a quiet peaceful revolution of sweetness. I hope it does. It goes so well with my electric pink fingernails.
Just thinking about this boldly-going makes me glow.
If salve does not appeal, you can have this in tea form, as a bath, cocktail, whatever works for you. Not only is there enough salve, there are also enough ways to receive it.
Playing live at the meme beach house — the Fake Band of the Week!
This week’s band comes via Richard and it’s called Negative Frills, they’re a funk fiddle trio, and it’s actually just one guy.
Attenzione! Attention, AGENTS.
My writing/righting retreat is full. (PASSWORD: oneword)
Is this something you would want another chance at doing in the future? Let me know.
You don’t have to think you’re a writer, you don’t have to write, nothing is required other than that you want quiet time to be deeply creative, wildly inspired, and take some mostly self-guided time for internal exploration or whatever appeals to you.
Come play if you like…
Join me in the comments. Some of us share hard and good, some of us say hi, or maybe we’re on silent retreat. My ritual doesn’t have to be your ritual. Whatever works for you. Almost three hundred weeks of this and there still isn’t a right way.
Everyone belongs. We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. We don’t give advice.
Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.
p.s. It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — join in whenever you like, it’s no big deal. And I am blowing kisses to the Beloved Lurkers. I love that you are here too.
Follow
Hard:
1. In retrospect, it makes perfect sense…
There were several challenging days this week that make perfect sense with the information I have now (accidental sugar, oncoming bear time), but at the time they didn’t make sense and that was hard.
2. A thing to worry about
I’m glad I know about this thing, because it has the potential to affect me. But I can’t really do anything about it, and I feel like the final stop on this bucket brigade of worry where we slosh our bucket into the next person’s and it’s just worry everywhere. Less worry, please.
3. The day I lost my power
It was nowhere to be found. And of course everything hurt.
4. Needing more clarity
That’s generally the answer
5. All the things not getting done
And my inability to make peace with them.
6. Stuff about Bolivia
Feeling less-than that I like it here so much. Sad about the places one can’t take even a calm quiet Bolivian. The people I don’t get to see now that I’m wrapped in this joy that is not a joy for everyone.
The Good:
1. My amazing email buddy
I don’t really have words. I’m glad I asked for her help.
2. Quitting social media
I have a feeling this is going to be one of those “that thing that changed my life” moments. Not so much because I’ve quit social media, but because quitting social media is helping me align more to myself. And that’s what I’m really needing,
3. Fresh herbs from the garden!
I was still so busy hardscaping this spring that there wasn’t time to also take on learning to grow plants from seed, nor was there a place to plant them. But I did manage to start a few herbs from seed and somehow keep them alive through the heat and many mishaps.
And this week they’re big enough to harvest, so we’re putting basil and sage and garlic chives on *everything* and it all tastes so good.
4. Support
It’s very helpful.
5. Solving for X
I’ll get there.
6. Hanging out in the back yard with the chickens
This shouldn’t be as fun as it is. But it really really is.
oh Bolivia…just…yeah, Bolivia be like, hahahaha THwART.
Oh, prompt chicken is prompt! Which is good, because it means that I can chicken before I leave the land of internet.
The good
– my best friend from way way back got married, in blue, in a tipi. It was awesome.
– and another friend accidentally gave a card that said ‘Mr and Mr’. As somebody else said, ‘I love that this is a mistake that is now available to make’
– lovely in-laws lending us their car and feeding us.
– sea
– stars
– more sea. Paddling in it.
– staying in bed all day when I felt like it.
– reading and writing beautiful August Moon things.
– I didn’t think I had the energy to send an email but then I did it. Sparklepoints for me!
– sparklepoints too for queueing up the next mermaid embassy.
– lovely family have read my blog and found out about the mermaids and are excited and supportive.
The hard
– ill. On holiday. All week.
– unexpectedly quitting drinking (with some shortly-to-be-tightly-defined ritual exceptions). I’m not sure I’m ready to have done this.
– family. Lovely but exhausting.
– I lost at Scrabble and cried. Doesn’t help that I wasn’t crying about losing Scrabble. Or that I had a rack full of vowels at one point.
– resurfacing car parks in the middle of the night. WHY. Only on the Isle of Wight…
This week I had the superpower of being exactly where I needed to be. Next I want the superpower of resting everywhere. I want to be the person who can sleep standing up in a queue.
It is Friday and time to Chicken.
The Hard:
Losing a potential client. And knowing why I lost them. But still, bleck.
Thinking that this is all there is.
Someone trying to schedule a blind first date that is too long and involved and gives me little chance to just flee. Wanting to preemptively flee.
Being the friend who always reaches out.
Feeling slow and gray.
The Lovely:
Writing class tomorrow.
Time to write today.
The freedom that comes from letting go.
Hosting a wonderful and helpful family meeting for some clients yesterday.
Excellent salve! I would like this is refreshing spray form, so I can cool my skin.
This week there was uncertainty and tentative wariness, which vanished like a mist in the wind because I expressed my feelings and got back all the assurance and support and love I needed. Yay for the courage to speak, and yay for being met with love and trust in return.
That was amazing.
I love this salve! I want to give samples to everyone I know.
Hard stuff:
–Keeping my force field strong and sparkly when people around me are deeply in their stuff is hard work. (It’s also very *necessary* hard work, and I’m glad that I can remember to do it!)
Good stuff:
–I got into the choral group that I had auditioned to join! Rehearsals start Monday, and I am very excited.
–There is progress, palpable progress, on a Very Important Project.
I now invoke the superpower of Deep Roots and Stretching Branches. <3
How in holy h*ll is it already Friday? Again? Wasn’t I *just* chickening like, a minute ago?
Well, here we go again, with love for Havi and this ritual and all other beloved chickeneers.
The hard:
+ Um…. somehow it’s really hard to remember what happened this week. I suspect part of it is related to not wanting to remember. When remembering feels painful. A loving, steadying breath for that.
+ I am so much better now but still recovering from that horrible thing from last week. Our most precious Simone, what can we do to protect ourselves better next time? How can we remember better — in a completely non-should-ifying, blame-y way — precisely how destructive [ ] can be, and how damn long the damage lasts, and make sure Simone is SAFE, while also making sure Simone gets all the exploration she needs? Assuming all the past reasons were valid, assuming there are treasures (in this, too, yes) and assuming I don’t need to know all about that now…
+ My mornings and nights are difficult and there was a lot of pain about that this week.
+ Focus and flow and all the things that get in the way, and my “pushing against”.
+ Processing lots of grief. Not from any situation that needs fixing, but just the necessity and discomfort of being present with the grief. It is here, hello, it will pass, yes, and it is hard.
+ Drinking makes me sooooooo very tired.
+ I was sad this week. Don’t really want to analyze it (we’ll just assume the reasons are legitimate and also temporary and give them their due weight) but there it was, an undercurrent of quiet sadness.
The good:
+ Hah, back on my feet and running! I still have some monsters about this, but as that one image I saw on Pinterest says, I’m a badass bitch from hell (who will run a half marathon) so don’t fuck with me. Sixty-five thousand sparkle points for the miles and three times that for being present with the stickiness of the process.
+ I saw some of my favorite people in the world this week, including my best friend who is going away for a long time, and I got to be gracious and hospitable to them.
+ I am doing a good thing for someone I care about.
+ I finally got some [ ] and it felt good 😉
+ I remembered to have a lot of compassion for myself. I was struggling and remembering to not be mad at myself for it.
+ My bed is so very comfortable and I do not take this for granted.
+ Mangoes.
+ Sometimes I look in the mirror and think, “damn girl. you got it going on.” That happened quite a bit this week.
Ha ha hahahaaha
Hi ho chickens!
Hardenschtuffs….
– Turning into Monster Mother in order to be heard. Struggling to shift this dynamic. You see, it’s effective, so the parts of me that are concerned with Getting Shit Done shouting as a means justifies the ends. I hate seeing this, doing this, putting my kids through this.
– I am so depleted. So, so depleted. There is veeeery little slack in my hair trigger, so Monster Mother is unsurprising, as is all the other Stuff Arising.
– Focus, o focus, where art thou? Have I simply dismantled the neuropathways by living in daydreamy disconnection from Be.Here.Now for so long? Uugghhh practicing presence and focus is challenging when you forget that you are practicing because, uh, you’re unfocussed and disconnected. Meta in the wrong direction. Blaeugh.
– Waiting, waiting, dum de dum…
– Skill acquisition takes time, and in the meantime, making things right that weren’t quite right the first time around. A breath for dedication. Oh wait, it’s another slow motion montage. Right.
– Slowly getting better is slow.
– I don’t perform Tasks X and Y well, and have quit striving to perform better, and haven’t yet worked out how to outsource Tasks X and Y, and so X and Y is all over the place, and I perform them in my usual shambolic way, and I wish this was sorted out already because ugghh bleughh overwhelm and monsters and shame oh my.
Goodenschtuffs….
+ OM. OMG.
+ Magic. I can haz it.
+ Slow motion montage.
+ Project L waiting for me. I love the structure of Project L for having this flexibility and resilience to it.
+ Stuff navigation skills, they are the most useful life skill! Thank everything that has helped me acquire and practice them! Havi, looking meaningfully in your direction for starters!
+ Getting back on the yang swing of the creative cycle. I always feel better about this bit. Still learning to love the mysteries of the yin swing, as much as treasure might come out of it, at this stage the yin swing doesn’t feel good in my body.
+ Slow progress is progressing. Slowly, but that’s important obviously, that’s why it’s like this. So, treasure. And forward motion. Okay.
+ Endorsements and compliments and an increasing capacity to accept that there may be truth in them. <3 <3 <3 (Thank you wise parts of me that remind me to not be impressed by compliments either, that other people's responses to me are not really about me even when they are sweet. Yes, thank you. Also for wanting me to point this out here because we want to manage other people's responses, of course we do, hilarious).
+ As much as many parts of me are invested in the status quo, there is a wise, steady part of me that says 'Claire, come on, of course you're going to say yes.' And then status-quo-loving-we don't even argue about saying yes, we negotiate about speed and safety precautions. Wow, being all on the same side inside myself? #progress
+ Witches have always lived on the edge, between the light and the dark. Because at the very, very edge there is always some uncertainty, a call for judgement. A new moon can only wax, a full moon can only wane, but a half moon can go either way. And sometimes, between the light and the dark, is just where you need to be, where someone needs to be, when a judgement is needed. The skill is to come to the point where you trust yourself to head into the dark, and TAKE THE LIGHT WITH YOU.
<3 <3 <3
Claire! “Trust yourself to head into the dark and TAKE THE LIGHT WITH YOU.” OMG, this is beautiful.
Hurrah for fabulous hats and other wondrousness!
Hard:
1. Some wishing-I’d-had-a-better-relationship-with blues
2. Some how-do-I-ensure-Soon-doesn’t-turn-into-Then wahs
3. Some am-I-wasting-my-time flailings
4. Not feeling like I can make time for [insert ark here]
5. Corresponding angst over whether I’ll regret not having ark
6. Leaky tire and other anxiety triggers
7. Multiple wrestling matches with the Angel of Unfinished Business
8. Hand not yet back to 100%
Good:
1. Hand much better
2. Work lining up
3. New pieces out the door
4. Appreciation for my admittedly arcane sense of humor
5. My city! Over five hundred people at the New Dialect dance performance!
6. Some quality time with Audacity
7. My friends’ children are so smart and sharp and talented. It is AWESOME.
8. Harvesting herbs and seeds
Warm wishes to all y’all. Shabbat shalom.
A funk fiddle *trio* that is just one guy! My mind is boggled.
This week’s salve sounds awesome! And the salves are always just perfectly what I need. It’s amazing.
So, this week:
What worked: asking for what i want.
We were supposed to travel this week and I asked for ease and comfort and safety for each stage of the journey. The morning we were to leave, the flight was delayed twice, then canceled because of weather and mechanical issues (Safety). I asked about Sky Club, since our wait was going to be very long, and we were not only admitted to Sky Club (Comfort), we didn’t have to pay an outrageous fee! When the flight was canceled, our nonrefundable tickets were refunded without hassle (EASE!)
Next week I might ask for more of what I want! Using the magic of wanting/wishing and the Salve of Asking for What I Want.
Hard things this week:
– lack of sleep/weird sleep patterns
– pain, which is made worse by lack of sleep
– histamine overproduction, though not in my sinuses so at least I could breathe but OMG
– MrB lost his phone, which meant I had to do or help do all the things that have to be done when a phone is lost.
– not finding several books I want that I know I own
– noise right in front of my house, as sidewalks are being repaired or replaced; to be continued next week.
Yay, good!
+ Rallying at Home! Three days on back-burnered projects was a joy.
+ Ease, Safety, and Comfort
+ Books
+ Completing several of the Anagram Projects, some while Rallying and some before, during, and after.
+ Fresh fruit and other good food
+ Remembering what works
+ WHAM Boom on some projects, Yay, Trucks! for others
+ Always having good things that I could do
Superpower I had this week: The Superpower of Knowing What To Do Next
Superpower I want next week: The Superpower of What I Need Is Right Here!
Love to all the Chickens and the Chickeneers!
Adding: We have Chicken Amnesty…. what do you call it when you have permission to do something ahead of time? Because after writing about last week, I want to jump in with wishes for next week.
Something about wanting a hat like the White Hat of Havi. Something about Planting Flavors and using the Slow Motion Montage. Something about Parking Our Wits and Avert-ing Them.
Planting these wishes here for now.
hard:
• Taking on a seemingly simple task as a favor and ending up with a lot of complexity and responsibility on my hands. Remember next time that saying no is always an option
• Overwhelming feeling of just scraping by. Putting things till the last minute, regretting past decisions, kicking myself when that doesn’t help anything. Old patterns.
• Everything is costing more than I expected and I am getting much less money than I expected. My ongoing Big VPA deals a lot with financial stability and it is so hard being in the training montage of this wish. I want ends to meet, dammit! I don’t want to feel guilty buying food, dammit!
• Not getting enough sleep, my significant other not getting enough sleep, wanting to be back in bed at various points throughout the day
• Anxiety attacks, worrying about backsliding, worrying what other people think
• Sharing things online is hard. Sharing things in person is hard. Sharing things, ugh. Still learning How Do.
good:
• Found a place to do yoga at my new house! It’s temporary but that’s okay.
• Telling the right people (instead of absolutely no one ever) about my tiny sweet things and getting encouragement and support, basking in how good that feels
• Explaining to my family and friends how I’m in a weird transition-y stage in my life and how it mostly feels like waiting and waiting and waiting… and getting an email that night about my favorite blog posting all about “an entirely new kind of waiting” 🙂 perfect timing
• Seeing my patterns as they happen! Catching myself disassociating, working with my walls, realizing that crying is just part of my day sometimes and if I do it while I’m doing yoga or talking to my SO it’s a lot better than breaking down at the college office or on the phone to my bank.
• Learning things for my Book of Me that I want to play with more.
• Tiny tiny slow slow steps, more emerging with less fear. Some of my butterflies are still hiding in their cocoons, some aren’t ready to come out, but they’re peeking out and thinking it doesn’t look too bad out here after all.
It’s still hard to push that “post comment” button but I’m so grateful for the Friday Chickens and everyone else participating and I decided yesterday I want to show more gratitude by participating too, so here goes nothing!
Obvs I don’t know you, but I found your comment interesting reading, and you seem (by your own report) like you are making good progress on things I have also struggled with, so Go Mack! 🙂
A late nite saturday-evening chicken.
Oy this week. fucking-a!
what worked: bedtime. in the fog of grief i have been slowly re-integrating Best Practicces and it’s still taking time to pull my shizzle toegther. but bedtime is best! all kinds of well-tending.
the suck:
-sometimes living in Bolivia sucks. the return of my llamas from le granpere’s maison was like a shock treatment, and i had prepared so well
-back2school. so many ops. this went pretty smooth but being depleted and worn out did not make for much enthusiasm
-no movement on so many things and ops and stuff
-when the husband and i dont work well, we had some f that this week
-silent retreat 1-10
-Mars and saturn doing their dance of immovable object / irresistible force. they never play nice and i know that this tension is a feature, not a bug, but it’s still hard and grinding.
but i really do have so much to be thankful for, the sparkle:
-last friday i went to see Beck at Red Rocks and it ws amazing!!!
-my psychic vacation the following day. bliss and gratitude
-in which i made art! starting to get somewhere
-tiny lil synchronicities and signs every day. lots of gifts from the universe.
-clearer perceptions, many things and many lenses
-getting some thinsg done that needed it at work
-Operation Hogwarts express successful
-new Ops coming up
-finally getting clearer directions from In-coming me, who is much ncier and more laid back thn i expected. her Superpowers include: Knowing the next thing to do, There’s Treasure everywhere, Everything;s Fine.
It looked like the montage ended with me surrounded by unpacked luggage, but that was just the penultimate scene. Thanks to my superpower of Leaving Breakfast Leftovers, the Local Airport’s superpowers of Being Close and Getting People Through All the Secure Hoops Quickly and The Dude’s Superpower of Extreme Patience, I travelled on the two Magic Blue Busses and am in Portal-land.
The Hard – Feeling alone. I am on my own until Toozday night because I do not know anybody here.
The Good – Paying attention to the body, and not pushing myself Saturday. Ainsworth UCC’s Jazz Service. Cruising Red Fox vintage clothes – eye candy. Powell’s Bookstore. Scoring books. Ruby Jewel ice cream. Trimet, my cell phone and the Garmin, without which I would have been lost and frustrated. Asking people and getting good intel and smiles. Friendly greetings. The cool, woody Rose City. The monsters have been silent. The squirrel.
The It Could Have Been Worse – Bee sting and nice 911 operator. It turns out I’m not allergic to bee stings. My feet, legs and ankles are telling me that I did not prepare well enough and that I Walked Too Much.
The portal opened. The main special effect is High Definition to an almost-surreal extent, and the lack of monsters.
Wonderful Chickens to you all.