It is Friday and we are here.
{a breath for Friday.}
What worked this week?
Beautiful containers. And permission to care about this!
I was talking with a friend about lip color, and the many mysteries thereof in my love-hate-love relationship with it, and how a good color in an unattractive tube just doesn’t work.
And she said, YES THE CONTAINER IS EVERYTHING!
Anyway, that was kind of the theme of this week, in a variety of ways.
Putting things I like into beautiful containers, both literally and symbolically…that’s what worked for me this week.
That, and acknowledging that I care a lot about packaging, and this is okay. This is something I can know about myself, and it doesn’t matter that the monsters want me to think it’s shallow. The container changes the experience. For me.
I took my favorite makeup and squeezed it into an empty tiger balm jar, and now I don’t have to look at the stupid plastic case that I never liked, and I smile whenever I see it.
I emptied out all the iguanas from the nook where I used to nap, and now it is a beautiful container for me. This is important for me to remember. Beautiful containers are helpful for a Havi.
Next time I might…
Release comparison.
It causes pain.
I mean, it brings momentary ease when I use to it to artificially feel better about myself, but that isn’t real ease, and mainly it brings pain.
This week I had minimal use of my knee, and found myself focusing on people who can do things I can’t, and that was not fun, so let’s not do that.
Eight breaths for the hard, challenging and mysterious.
- Knee still very painful. A breath for relief.
- Not being able to do things is emotionally painful right now in addition to the physical discomfort. I get so depressed sitting around and not being a gazelle. Both my housemate and the beautiful boy took turns moving everything out of the Playground, and I felt frustrated and vulnerable watching them do everything, not being able to help. A breath for perspective and remembering truth.
- Some very old, forgotten memories got stirred up this week, which is useful, and also I experienced deep heart-pain while this was happening. A breath for healing in the form of easing and releasing, the themes of this year.
- Missing my lover so very much, and wishing we were on the road together. A breath for trust, and for peacefulness.
- Still letting go of everything, so much letting go. I sat on the floor of the Playground and cried my eyes out. I love it so much, and this is right, and this is how it needs to happen, and oh, letting go. A breath for goodbyes said with love.
- Big reactiveness. Deep in old patterns. I am being given a pretty obvious opportunity to look at the less-than-helpful ways I try to protect myself when I am in pain: I am cold/negative/judgmental/harsh/distant with people, and use my pain as the story or the excuse. This is not what I want. A breath for safety, for new choices, for the legitimacy of grumpiness, for meeting myself with love.
- Oh god, looked at a website I should not have looked at, instantly regretted it, kept looking, the whole thing turned into an evening of monster-distortions and I-am-not-good-enough. A breath for this, for comfort, for releasing comparison in all forms.
- Inhale, exhale. May all misunderstandings and distortions, internal and external, dissolve in love if not in laughter. Goodbye (and thank you), mysteries and hard moments of this week. May I choose to trust-more love-more release-more receive-more.
Eight breaths of good, reassuring, delight-filled.
- I am now almost back to full range of motion with my knee! And while it hurts all the time, it hurts less than it did before, and it doesn’t hurt more when I walk. I have also been slow-walking through aerobics classes. I can’t plié or lunge or do anything with a level change yet, trying to not give my knee too much to do, but I can walk around to music, and it feels so good to be moving my body again. A breath of appreciation and gratitude for this.
- Thank you so much to the woman who yelled from her car window about how cute my shoes are, when I was deep in distress about Life Stuff. That totally helped, and it got me back to breathing and smiling. A breath for the reset button.
- It’s software, not hardware! I find this endlessly reassuring. It’s just a pattern that past-me installed because she wanted to keep me safe, and I can replace it with something that works better. A breath for the cage not being a cage.
- Wednesday night with my lover. Curled up on the couch making plans, talking about living intentionally, and radical sovereignty. Falling asleep on his chest, feeling peaceful, at ease, blissfully content. A breath for a full heart.
- Perfect simple solutions. A breath of thank you.
- Marisa and I went for a Regrounding. (Shhh, it’s a pedicure, something my monsters think is indulgent, however they were impressed by evidence showing my life is better when I feel grounded). I care a lot about the name of the color of a nail polish, I think this is related to my love of beautiful containers, and all the colors had the worst names. Like, mysteriously terrible names. Almost as if they were reflecting my moodiness. You would not believe the names of these colors! I Accomplished Zero Today, A Rose At Dawn Broke By Noon, Cherried Away, In The Park After Dark, Skating On Thin Iceland. What?! I know. So then I found a color called Metamorphosis, a gorgeous sparkly green-blue, and now I feel amazing, like a mermaid, and I never would have even looked at that color had the reds and pinks not had these awful names. A breath for being redirected, for fun surprises, and for all the superpowers of mermaids.
- I practiced Enter As You Wish To Be In It this week, and this made everything better. A breath of love.
- Thankfulness. So much is good. Everything is okay. Nothing is wrong. Now is not then. All Timing Is Right Timing. A full breath of deep appreciation in my thank-you heart.
Wham booms, wisdom, superpowers, salve and FBOTW!
Operations completed. Wham boom!
Emptied the rest of the Playground! Did a bunch of writing. Took care of five interactions I’d been avoiding. Thank you fractal flowers and thank you, FLOOP! Wham Boom.
Revisiting some wise words from past-me.
This wonderful practice of noticing: my toes lift up in a little dance…
Superpowers I had this week…
I had the power of seeing the connections between seemingly unrelated memories.
Powers I want.
I want, again, the superpower of Totally Unfazed By Any Of This. And I want the power of clear seeing.
The Salve of Beautifully Redirected.
When I wear this salve, I smile at red lights and missed buses. I laugh when we get to the bridge, and then the bridge goes up to let a ship pass beneath it.
I trust in right timing, and I trust in the redirection. If I think I am supposed to go to point A, and the way to point A is full of obstacles, then hello, Point B. I can’t wait to meet Point B! I trust that there are good things being sparked for me at Not-Point-A.
This salve is so very grounded, and just a little spicy: vetiver and something that reminds me of cinnamon.
When I wear this salve, I smile more and fret less. I don’t care about sunk costs. I go when something says go. I pause when it is time to pause. I take sweet naps and I dream of faraway lands and I awaken feeling invigorated and full of life.
Playing live at the meme beach house — the Fake Band of the Week!
This week’s band is from my brother, it’s called You Have Gentleman Caller, their latest album is Slow At Birthdays, they are based in Indonesia and it’s just one guy.
Attenzione! Attention, AGENTS.
There is still time to join the Secret Sword Society, embarking at the end of February! It’s the only thing I’m doing this year, and it’s also temporarily half-off for current members of the Floop…
And I am still recommending the Emergency Get Calm, Quiet And Steady techniques, since they are keeping things good around here for me.
So I want to seed a reminder that this is a thing, and it helps, a lot. Not just with calming down in the moment but with building the kind of habits that allow you to change your relationship with whatever is scary or uncomfortable.
I hardly ever recommend these because the page is already many years old and needs rewriting. However, copywriting aside, this is still one of the best things I have ever made, by a lot. I have two boxes in my office full of the sweetest thank you notes from people, and so many of them are for this.
Come play if you like…
Join me in the comments. Some of us share hard and good, some of us say hi, or maybe we’re feeling quiet. My ritual doesn’t have to be your ritual. Whatever works for you. We’ve been doing this every week for years now and there still isn’t a right way. Feel free to leave pebbles (or petals!), hearts, warmth, sweetness. Those always work.
Everyone belongs. We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. We don’t give advice.
Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.
p.s. It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — join in whenever you like. Blowing kisses to the Beloved Lurkers too!
Follow
Havi posting about mermaids! This has redeemed my whole week. I had just hung the Fluent Self calendar up below my mermaid poster, which I have in my Room Of One’s Own to remind me about art and about belonging in both worlds and between them.
The hard –
– oh boy, the hard. I was really looking forward to this week and it has been so disappointing. A breath for permission to be disappointed.
– not having my Room Of One’s Own when it was being the spare room. A breath for space.
– monster brigade composed of the Angel in the House, the Four Yorkshiremen and Captain Awkward screaming at me that I’m a terrible daughter/sister/friend for even wanting a Room Of One’s Own. A breath for more space.
– two people I was meant to meet up with have had grandparents die and have had to rush off. A breath for their grief.
– work irritations of the kind that go ‘but why didn’t you tell us in December?’ A breath for communication.
– trough of Not Enough Work yawning a few days away. A breath for valuing myself.
– midweek Communion (which always always always works) didn’t work because there were two people having an inappropriate and unignorable conversation all the way up until the priest walked in. A breath for quiet.
– I chose the wrong book and everyone else chose the wrong book and none of us seemed to be reading the same book and if I’d known what they were thinking I wouldn’t have chosen it in a million years and I felt awful about it. A breath for all our stuff.
– invasion of the brain slugs this morning. Took me hours to get out of bed and then I cried in the middle of the cycle racks at the station. A breath for things that are real.
The good –
– unexpectedly meeting up with two other people. A breath for connection.
– birthday party plan looks like it’s going to work. Even better, I was really pleased when I found out. A breath for celebration and knowing what I want.
– why yes, I can volunteer for a solo. A breath for confidence.
– it’s getting light in the mornings again. A breath for illumination.
– snow! A breath for beauty.
What worked –
– Cockatrices and Wyverns Union very helpful this morning. ‘Our members are prepared to put on their socks, on condition that management allows them to wear the earrings with the spoons on.’
– singing. Singing always works.
– reading on the train. It’s like a big reset button.
– bread and roses. I am allowed to want beauty. I am allowed to want more than the bare minimum.
– deciding not to travel four hours on the train with period pain. Thing I would have been travelling to got cancelled anyway. I am an organisational genius. Accidentally.
Hey ho chickerinos…
Hard stuffs
* creeping sludge feeling, alternating with throat clenching dread. Fun times.
* very very unclear, lots of internal mumbling/fingers in my ears. Yet to figure out (or apply myself to figuring out, truth be told) how to process in a way that works for me now.
* I am afraid of ‘backsliding’. Still haven’t cottoned onto the fact that progress is not linear.
* I don’t like myself a whole lot right now I guess. Oh stuff, how stuff-like you are.
* I thought Snow White and the Huntsman would be worth the price I paid because I do like a good visual spectacular, but … it wasn’t. Bah!
Good stuffs
* the whole Vidal/Ms Lopez/Humans of New York story/campaign makes me feel (good, and) like society may be screwed up, but there are a lot of good people who want a way to make a positive change. We can figure this out, if we extend the lesson and stay the course.
* bell hooks on youtube justifies youtube. Alright!
* Orange is the New Black may be annoying and problematic in a lot of ways but also it is quite seductively gripping and enjoyable. Yes, I’ve been watching a fair bit of tv this week…
* maybe I have been more moderate in my shout quota with the kids this week? Not sure, but… I don’t know, it feels like maybe the volume was a notch lower.
* clothes that FIT, this is luxury. Costumes *are* important – they are containers for ME. And yeah, the whole thing with containers and clearly delineated, beautiful boundaries for [thing]…. it feels important! I get that!
* made a delicious dinner.
Okai, chicken out. xoxo
All the superpowers of mermaids!
This week a lot shifted very quickly, and I shifted with it. Maybe not the most graceful shift I’ll ever execute (if this were a derby move, my coach would want me to practice more), but I kept up and didn’t fall. Which is new.
The Hard:
– I had no less than three panic attacks. Which was actually better than the hours I have sometimes spent in bed avoiding, because I had them and kept going and all was well. But there was a lot of anxiety about.
– Practicing exit, which has never been my strength.
– Alarm clocks and commuting and being up at 6:30. Ugh. And talking to people every. Single. Day. Double ugh.
– Filed my taxes too early and now I have to amend my return and bleh.
– Found out another thing in the whole [Not Betrayal] saga and now I’m really angry but I’d rather be letting go. Also sent him back all the stuff he’d ever given us, and I’m feeling very mixed.
– Coming up against All My Stuff about letting go.
– My body is in a lot of distress. This isn’t really new, but I now have the space to pay attention and it’s kind of scary how unwell I am.
The Good:
– I got to attend a ritual for the sea, and it was unbelievably lovely.
– Last Friday we toured a Spanish-speaking Montessori school run by the sweetest Cuban ex-doctor. On Monday Scarlet started school there four days a week. They love her there! She loves it there! She’s just glowing all the time, and we were right that she needed this stability and opportunity. Everyone there speaks better Spanish than me, including the other parents, and the kids are really speaking Spanish too. Scarlet will now answer me in Spanish about half the time! And she’s speaking more just generally, and taking on all kinds of things with more confidence.
– I GET 28 HOURS TO MYSELF EVERY WEEK! It’s amazing. I went on a four hour walk. I took so many naps. I filed my taxes too early. I cleaned the house. I wrote blog posts. I read a book. I really really needed this.
– There were many emotions in this shift for both Scarlet and me and we got to work through a lot of it at the ritual for the ocean. She actually didn’t attend, but when she and her dad were there to pick me up, she went over to the altar and just quietly had all these tears streaming down her face. Not that I ever really like seeing my kid cry, but I think it really helped her. And the ritual certainly helped me.
– After the ritual I read the exact perfect book filled with clues. Then Bob Dylan (via Havi) had a clue for me too!
– Games with friends, always fun. I finally learned to play Race for the Galaxy. And by “learned” I mean “got past my HSP reaction about the colors of the cards so I could think.” Now I can make strategic decisions and feel like I’m actually in it. As a side effect, I’ve gone from having other people quadruple my points to even winning sometimes. This is a good reminder about my level of ability in overstimulating versus familiar situations.
<3 <3 <3 to the Chickeneers!
Thank you Havi. Just… thank you.
I hope that one day, somehow, I can sit in a room with you and drink tea.
A peaceful Friday to all chickeneers!
My hard:
– A heart-wrenching e-mail in which 18-year-old son of a friend informed his mother’s friends that she lost her battle against cancer.
– Excema on my hands pretty bad.
– Body asking for yoga and not getting it because I did not make the space nor the time for it.
– Too little free time in a wonderful city. Due to:
– The non-stopness of some work things.
My good:
– Got to spend a week in Tel Aviv and was so energized by the vibrancy of the city, the amazing food, the juices & smoothies, the sea, the sun, the sunsets.
– Meeting a friend again after 27 years and re-connecting instantly.
– Meeting distant relatives I only see once in a blue moon and hearing “you belong”.
– Unexpected heart-warming exchanges of smiles with strangers in the street and on public transport.
– Stock of 2kg of almonds, cashews, cranberries, pecan nuts etc. brought back from TLV.
– Chia seeds and chufa powder soaked in coconut milk overnight, topped with fresh fruit for breakfast.
– The reaction I got to a small surprise birthday present I gave to someone.
– I slept wonderfully sound last night.
<3 <3 <3
What worked? Noticing, and taking notes. Trying new things.
Next time I might… Take a moment to check in with my body, seeking the true yes or the true no, before deciding what to eat and drink.
Hard stuff: Dealing with sudden curve balls. Pinching pennies.
Good stuff: Being acknowledged and appreciated in my work. Finding sneaky solutions.
I now invoke the superpower of…The Sovereign Bohemian! Hmm, I wasn’t quite expecting that — NO ONE expects the Sovereign Bohemian — and I’m not sure what it means, but I intend to have fun finding out!
Clucking in…
What worked? Frying pancakes. Donning the red polka-dot dress.
Next time? Wait for the printout. Say no.
Hard:
* The flu. Worrying about infecting my partner. Fatigue getting in the way of progress on a commission. Meds upsetting my stomach.
* Paperwork. So much to get to. Big decisions due soon.
* Three dental crowns in my future. Argh.
Good:
* Husband using my camera for his business. Feeling even better about that investment than I already did.
* All those years of drafting sermons = knowing how many words I need to generate for a storytelling throwdown, and knowing I can do it without going into sleep-dep mode. Yay, experience!
* Lunch was a riot today. I did not expect to have that kind of conversation about rabbits with that group.
Hearts and pebbles and warm wishes to all who would welcome them.
Cock-a-doodle doo! A Chicken Revue!
Watch Questing Lee emerge from last Friday still feeling rotten from her cough and cold, on hiatus Saturday, postponing museum trip with The Dude. See her spend 2 hours mowing the lawn before Superbowl. The Dude was at his family’s party. See her eat nachos! See the larks and sprees completed while her team was behind and she couldn’t bear to watch! And then her team won and she could turn off the TV and rest. Resting both days were the right call.
See her eat Superbowl leftovers all week long!
Look, the car died on its way to work on Monday, because it hadn’t been operated on the weekend and two other days the previous week, and Questing Lee may have left the lights on – but marvel! She got it off the freeway into a nice neighborhood, sat in the warm sun and met a nice tow-truck driver. She didn’t need a new alternator!
The Dude revealed that the mystery of the light on in the workshop on Thursday morning was because Questing Lee left it on on Sunday.
On Wednesday, see Questing Lee get lost but get to The Place in Time despite Head-spinneys!
On Thursday, watch Questing Lee as she realizes that the sparks in the microwave next to hers in the cafeteria is caused by aluminum foil! Aaagh! Look, she snatches the door open, thanks God that she did the right thing quickly, and tells the guy to never, ever put metal in the microwave! The microwave still worked.
Watch her juggle balls at work including one labelled, “Now is Not Then” while stifling Brod Caster who wants her to tell her boss Something.
There is much movement on The Dude’s Job Quest, but not the Important Offer.
Questing Lee bows to much applause. And applause, or flowers if applause is too loud to you.
*applause*
So much applause!
I love checking in here and “meeting” some of my favorite people. I just wanted to say that. I’ll be back later to chicken.
The Challenging:
The container of my body, thinking it needs to be filled with food instead of with love and vivaciousness. Forgetting that now is not then, and I am in charge of what comes into my house. And there is not a shortage of food that must all be eaten right now because otherwise 6 other people will eat it and there will be none left. A breath for me from then, and a huge giant hug for her and the legitimacy of her feelings.
The Lovely:
Paid all my house bills. Thank you warm heat and bright lights. Thank you car insurance. Thank you doctors. Thank you college and law school loans. So lucky to have these expenses and companies who provide me with the loveliest services.
New clients. Deep gratitude from my thankful heart.
The Boy at the gym. We’ve moved from awkward wave to “everyday!” and smiles.
Past Me who stocked the freezer with the tastiest frozen burritos is the smartest me ever. Now thinking that maybe I will stash some tortilla-free burrito bowls in there for a new surprise.
The ability to start again each day.
Saturday chicken! Cluck!
what worked this week: returning to the premise of the Golden Year, its superpowers and its goals. One more thing. Compassing, and core& circumference, often.
the hard:
-worst suck of the week is the migraine i have right now
-very low compliance with Best Practices
-silent retreat
-my FIL and his obnoxious BS
-elder kid’s indifference to grades, younger kid’s demanding brattiness, husband’s ongoing sick & injured & checked out
the sparkle:
=slowly coming back to Best Practcies, bit by bit
– a warm snap today
-practice, esp dance and yoga
-did a couple of things this weekend i’ve been meaning to do, feeling better about everything ebcause i did
<3
I realized last night that waiting to release my pain until I’ve finished stuff and can safely let go is a trap because there’s always more to do.
It kind of changed things for me. I’m not sure where I’m going or how exactly to even let go, but knowing that all I need is permission from myself—to make the time and take the space to release—rather than needing external circumstances makes it a little more OK that I’m still waiting.
the hard:
-still in grief, still in mourning
-finding it hard to like myself lately
the good:
-being back with people I love
-that realization up above, wow!
superpower I want: The Power of Knowing That All Timing is Right Timing — I want to feel that in my bones.