It is Friday and we are here.
{a breath for Friday.}
What worked this week?
That’s not how we speak to toddlers.
Sometimes when I notice a not particularly helpful pattern (“Oh! Doing that thing where I perceive that I’m being rejected, so I reject louder and harder!”), my monsters like to jump in and hijack the noticing:
“YEAH THAT’S REALLY MATURE OF YOU! WHY WOULD YOU DO THINGS LIKE THAT WHICH ARE OBVIOUSLY GOING TO EXPLODE IN YOUR FACE, YOU MORON!”
This week I tried saying, gently, “Hey, that’s not how we want to speak to toddlers.”
Come on. This pattern was invented by tiny-me in an attempt to keep herself safe. She’s doing the thing that made the most sense to her understanding of the world.
My monsters got very quiet, because they knew I was right, and they started making little cooing sounds and singing lullabyes to comfort toddler-me, it was the sweetest most unexpected thing.
Next time I might…
Be fierce about my yes.
Entirely new levels of ferocity when it comes to protecting my yes!
No more of “yeah, okay, I can probably put up with this for another three hours”.
My yes is important, and whether I get it or not is entirely irrelevant.
Knowing my yes, that’s what’s important. Making it a priority and sharing intel, that’s what’s important.
Eight breaths for the hard, challenging and mysterious.
- For the most part, Operation True Yes keeps me away from the news and goings-on of the world, but sometimes I check in, and ohmygod. A breath of aching compassion for Baltimore, for the ongoing pain of unchecked systemic racism, it is time for a collective opening of eyes and for so many things. May this deeply painful situation lead to good.
- A thing that I have been scared would happen and was hoping wouldn’t happen actually did happen. A breath for I Am Safe.
- I’d been expecting a meltdown. Seven weeks on the road in a tiny camper, with multiple sources of stress, and multiple days when I can’t be outside moving my body, and big changes on the horizon. So I wasn’t exactly surprised when it came right on schedule this week, but I was taken aback by the intensity. Not the explosion kind, more of the I need to get out of here because I can’t do this anymore kind. A breath for me, who needs to be a gazelle, and can’t function without movement and sweetness.
- A long uncomfortable night without sleep definitely exacerbates distress. See above. A breath for being comforted.
- Remember last week when I said it’s kind of like I’m in The Truman Show, and the powers that be have decided they can’t let me off the island, so all sorts of absurd, impossible-seeming events redirect me? This entire week was that. A day trip to Sacramento on Monday turned into an entire week of trapped in suburban subdivision strip mall madness. Example: mysteriously locked out of the camper. Then AAA sent a tow truck instead of a locksmith. Then said locksmith wouldn’t be available for five days. Once we got back in the camper, there was a plumbing problem that defied all laws of both logic and physics. Okay, I can flow with this, but it’s very bizarre. A breath for ready to be redirected in more pleasurable and less ridiculous ways.
- Life on the road can be very lonely and isolating. My friends are busy with their lives and maybe have the mindset that I’m on holiday and not available, because no one is talking to me, and I need a way to solve this that is not hanging out on social media, because that never fills my desire for connection. My traveling companion doesn’t have this problem because his friends are traveling climbers and they intentionally meet up in the same places. I need traveling friends too! Or something, I don’t know. A breath for this, and for seeing new options.
- Tomorrow I take off on a solo op which means twelve days without the beautiful boy, and I already miss his company. A breath for this is right.
- Inhale, exhale. May all misunderstandings and distortions, internal and external, dissolve in love if not in laughter. Goodbye (and thank you), mysteries and hard moments of this week. May I choose to trust-more love-more release-more receive-more.
Eight breaths of good, reassuring, delight-filled.
- When the thing I’d hoped wouldn’t happen happened, I was able to remain calm, steady and present. And brave. And none of the bad things I was sure would result happened, so I got to experience what it’s like to have a scary thing happen and be completely fine. Also now I don’t have to worry about it happening, because I know what it’s like now. I get a million trillion sparklepoints, and some more for freaking out significantly less than I would have imagined. A breath for how impressed I am with myself about this, and for I am completely fine, even when shaken.
- A couple years ago when everything was rough, the one good element in my life was Monday Beach Day. Taking a bus to the train station, and a bus to the coast, and sitting by the Pacific and staring into space and going for walks and writing and getting sand all over everything. The Oregon coast is not particularly warm, even in summer, and it was usually mostly deserted. I loved beach day, and my one steady wish was for my life to be like beach day. While sitting on a rock this Sunday in the red hills sun, I suddenly realized: I’m living beach day life now. That’s what Shmita is. Well, when I remember to get off the computer and be outside with no agenda, saying thank you to the sky and the tiny yellow flowers. A breath for seeing this.
- Sometimes people wonder how we get through road trip driving since I don’t speak. I usually giggle at this question, since talking seems such a small part of communication. Or even a hindrance to communication. But then at other times I wonder (my monsters wonder) if maybe people are right and he is bored out of his skull. We were driving through beautiful hills, and I felt so happy, and he immediately looked over at me and said, “I swear I can hear you smile”. A breath for shared moments, and for the people who can hear.
- EIGHT MONTHS EIGHT MONTHS EIGHT MONTHS EIGHT MONTHS! After much complicated trial and error, and complex negotiations, we arrived at an arrangement that allows me to exit the chocolate shop at the end of December instead of two years from next month. Two years is an eternity to be stuck with a No when all you want is yes, but eight months? I can make it eight months, and then I am done with overhead, and any form of bricks and mortar, goodbye, goodbye, goodbye. A breath for freedom, and for asking for an exit until you get one.
- When I had my giant meltdown, my lover held my hand and listened and kissed me and was quiet with me while I fell apart until the storm passed. A breath for the treasure of that.
- When I was falling apart and needed to move my body and be outside and there was nowhere to go because we were in a stupid walmart parking lot in a horrible subdivision, and it was a million degrees, we suddenly discovered a small nature habitat preserve behind the walmart, of all places. I got to take a half hour walk among the trees until I calmed down. A breath for hilariously unlikely miracles popping into the hologram.
- Tomorrow I leave for Operation Adventures in Reverberating, and I am so excited about this! Also I bought myself a thing that is needed for another big adventure, even though both the thing and the adventure were scaring me a lot. And somehow it’s turned into exciting-tingly instead of just scary. A joyful breath for I am a grand adventuress and I am ready for this new adventure
- Thankfulness. So much is good. I am learning so much about no and about yes and about adventuring. Pumpkin seeds. Smiles. Even in a walmart parking lot we can pop open the skylight on the camper and see nothing but moon and stars. Everything is okay. Nothing is wrong. Now is not then. All Timing Is Right Timing. Thankful for this grand adventure. A full breath of deep appreciation in my thank-you heart.
Wham booms, wisdom, superpowers, salve and FBOTW!
Operations completed. Wham boom!
Did a ton of research into Operation Live Light, and feeling excited! Thank you fractal flowers, thank you Shmita, thank you Switch/Swoop. Wham Boom.
Superpowers I had this week…
I had the superpowers of Remembering To Ask Why I’m Doing What I’m Doing, the power of casting emoji spells, and the power of healing naps.
Powers I want.
The superpower of finding the good, as exemplified by the woman I met near Sacramento who said, about the 90 degree April heat, “Isn’t it great? We sweat so much here! We basically get four months of free facials!”
Also the power of Checking Back In To Make Sure What I’m Doing Is Still My Yes.
Also, again, the superpower of All Obstacles Quickly Reveal Themselves As Not Obstacles, And I Say Thank You Before During And After.
The Salve of tiny yellow flowers.
This is a secret gratitude salve, and it works on time release. So you start using it and appreciating how soft your skin is, and then five minutes later you’re appreciating the bathroom door for being a door, and then you are loving all the tiny yellow flowers you hadn’t even noticed were growing all around.
When I wear this salve, I breathe more deeply, I smile at the unexpected, I tell someone how much I like them.
This salve has undertones of trust, support, passion, and receiving, and it smells like springtime and endless effortless possibility.
Playing live at the meme beach house — the Fake Band of the Week!
This week’s band comes to us by way of my meltdown and it’s called Everything Is Horrible And Now I Will Eat Brie. They do grunge rock covers of Dolly Parton songs and it’s actually just one guy.
And my upcoming Biopic…
Allergic to Leafblowers. The Havi Brooks Story.
Attenzione! Attention, AGENTS.
I am recommending the Emergency Get Calm, Quiet And Steady techniques, aka the thing that keeps me from falling apart.
Come play if you like…
Join me in the comments. You are welcome to take a breath, share something from your week, leave warmth or hearts, whatever works for you. My format doesn’t have to be yours. We’ve been doing this every week for years now and there still isn’t a right way.
Everyone belongs. We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. We don’t give advice.
Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.
p.s. It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — join in whenever you like. Blowing kisses to the Beloved Lurkers too!
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Friday! We made it! We MAYed it! Welcome and hello, May!
My whole life has been about Operation Tri-Cycle for some time now. I was getting ready to Go Out For Pizza, and then I was Out For Pizza, and then I came home. Those were the 3 cycles: go out, be out, come home. And then I had a little Too Much Pizza, so there ended up being a 4th cycle superimposed onto #2 and #3, and we are dealing with how this body feels about THAT.
So now I’m Home, recovering from Pizza, which is what I would be doing even if I’d had just the right amount of Pizza, so it seems reasonable that this is what I’m doing.
Let’s see. Tangles and donuts.
Breathing for tangles. Hello, tangles.
+A breath for the Mystery of Too Much Pizza, which isn’t really a mystery itself, maybe more of a clue. Breathing for the intel being not the intel that I want. Breathing for my body and its variable thresholds.
+A breath for the [Ramensemble]. Breathing for that intel not being the intel that I want, either. Breathing for the information about what I do want.
+A breath for [DNotation]. This is hard! I want to be better at this! A breath for the monsters that think I already should be better at it. An extra deep breath for the You’re Not A Real [Rock Star] If You Can’t [Dnote]! monster.
+A breath for the Secret Secret Fuzzball Agent Shenanigans! Good god that makes things more interesting. Deep breath for that thing. Whew. A breath for my freaking out heart, yeek!
+A breath for the Yellow Lights. A breath for the Whyyy Meeeee of it all.
+A breath for the [Sprouts], where I want it and where I do not.
+A breath for the pain and sadness and violence and injustice in the world. A breath for the people who can do something about it. A breath for the people who can do something about it and don’t. A breath for the people who can do nothing about it. Breathing for all of us.
+A breath for avoiding the Mothership. Eek. I don’t know why exactly, at least not in human words, but I know, and it’s okay.
And breathing for donuts! Yay donuts!
+Breathing for SSAA! Even if it is all the tangly things, it is also hearts and sparkles and giggles and lightness in my imagination mind. Breathing and giggling. Breathing and bubbles. Breathing and twinkling. Yes, yes, yes.
+Breathing for Agent Unicorn! So glad to have met this human! Yay!
+Breathing for Surprise Field Notes from Agent Teacup! Wow! Delightful surprise!
+Breathing for so many excellent books in the world! Breathing for reading them! Yay! Books! Reading! Yay!
+Breathing for delicious foods! So many of them! Everywhere! Oh delight delight delight.
+Breathing for the visit, and the rainbows, and the coziness, and the morning Sunshine Circles, and the waves of adventure and floppiness. YES.
+Breathing for the Secret Agent Store! Not a proxy! Actual Secret Agent Store! YEEEEE!!!
+Breathing for Fire Circle. Breathing the life it needs into it. Yes. Breathing. Fire. Flame. Passion. Intensity. Heat. Power. Yes.
So here I am, breathing, balancing, believing.
Ready for what’s next.
Ready for NOW.
And my fake band this week is: Heart Bucket! <3
Oh, yes, the Secret Agent store and the Superhero store and the Pirate store! Thank you, Agent CQ, for opening that world to me.
Wow! So many lovely little yellow flowers! <3
I now invoke the superpower of Embracing Embodiment… * * *
I’m allergic to leaf blowers too – horrible noise for completely pointless function. I’m actually a gardener and I prefer to sweep. Sweeping is such a nice sound, a bristly swoosh. You can still hear the birds ????
Oh! *bristly swoosh* is a delightful sound indeed! One of my favorites 🙂
Happy Friday and cluck my loves!!
what worked this week: My body gets the deciding vote. Putting the damn Crown back on. Choosing play.
the sucks were fewer:
– so few spoons in the evening
-no progress on anything. not sure if this is true but it feels that way
-omg May is the busiest month of the year
-psychic blow back from husband’s melt down included 4 straight mornings of migraines
-money feels short
-it’s May 1 and I will probably not be able to observe the Sacred Rites appropriately. a breath for missing the eros
-i’m not in love with anyone. it feels okay, but sometimes the lonely part reaches up
-Baltimore etc
the sparkles:
-after all the dust settled after the meltdown, I discovered Foundation had held me up, and I was able to put my Crown back on in a stronger way
-happy kids
-many friends leveling up–personally, creatively. a breath for their happiness
-something I left go of, despite it being a real Yes, was given back to me as a gift. a breath for intense gratitude
-my garden
-ShipShaping
-the healing power of dance
-in the past few weeks I have gone to: Pilates, barre, zumba, and Vinyassa. I am loving my workout and am able to get to it at least once a week or more
-Flailed on Sunday! it’s been so long. made me happy and the Bing just started up
-discovering the Whote Flower kriya. I have hopes
-lots of gentleness and kindness
-so many things to be excited about this month
-including a dinner date with freiends tonite!
Oh, Friday! I’m happy to see you. You’re closing out one of the more lovely weeks in recent times. Thank you, Wonderful Week.
Blips:
– That conversation that really threw me for a loop = crocodile tears. And some panic.
– Slight shame over not paying more attention to national and world events.
– Worrying about jelly beans and wanting more.
Celebrations!
– Picnic and walk in the park with my guy
– New pile of library books (Quiet by Susan Cain, Delivering Happiness, and more!)
– White cell phones and silver nail polish
– Tracking steps during the day is way more fun than I imagined
– Creativity and daydreaming about new self-care practices
– Snuggles with my kitty
– A TV in the most unexpected place
– Living through the filter of Play again. So much better.
The Hard:
I gave myself a procrastination stomach ache on Wednesday. I knew I did it and I couldn’t fix it for a few days.
My teeth feel weird. I filled the space in and it feels like a hockey mouth guard jammed into my face. And I can’t say th f v.
Someone felt the need to text me updates about an ex and his fiance and their wedding.
The Lovely:
So much work and good clients and checks and productivity. Flow.
Texting the Boy who is a Friend. A good place to be.
My teeth look fantastic. And they will feel better in time.
Caring about the ex a smidgen of the amount I used to care. Like a cat walking across a mattress instead of a sledgehammer through plate glass.
It’s bedtime and I can’t wait to sleep my face off.
Hello, Saturday! Hello, weekend!
I love CQ’s “tangles and donuts” instead of hard and good.
Donut: CQ and the other lovely commenters.
Donut: Sunshine and perfect weather.
Tangled donut: MrB is in a rehab facility. Donut part: he’s safe and it’s a step towards home. Tangly parts: rehab always makes me think of drug rehab and nursing home makes me think of old people who are never returning home and I need a new term for where he is. Some of the people are lovely but they have some policies … !
Tangle: Still waiting on what’s happening with my sister’s kidney transplant. They have to put her on a list, and then they can start screening donors.
Tangle: Fear about son’s condition.
Tangle: Chaos. In the house and in the yard and everywhere. A new small table is the key to ending *some* of the chaos.
Tangle: what happened to all the gym shorts? Now I have to go buy some more.
Tangle: I’m behind on all of my online courses.
Donut: Maybe I can get one while I’m out buying gym shorts?
Loving the salve of Tiny yellow flowers! A grass bed full of tiny flowers always makes me smile. I need this salve even in the moments where there are no tiny yellow flowers in my vicinity.
What worked this week: approaching a challenge like an adventure.
Not every time of course, but more than usual (which is zero), so yay!
Consciously choosing what part I play in this adventure, and how to bet get through or around the challenges.
Another thing that worked is asking Slightly Wiser me to share her wisdom in my journal. I rarely remember to do that, and you remind me to, and for this I’m very thankful <3
Breaths for the hard:
– Deadlines and overwhelm.
– The need to self-medicate with emergency chocolate.
– Sending the e-mail to the wrong person, and getting really angry at myself for always doing Stupid Mistakes like that make me seem like a flake to other people.
– Fighting over stupid things with SO.
– Feeling pressured to do things faster with my Super Secret Project than I wanted to, because now I have a mentor and she wants to see my progress.
– Still feeling resentful about that thing I know, but haven't said anything about.
Breaths for the good:
+ Kind and helpful civil servant who really wants me to sort out the mess I got myself into, and found a loophole for me that I haven't even thought of.
+ My SO bought the emergency chocolate I wanted to have when deadlines were pressing me, and offered it today when I was in need of one as well.
+ Having resolved the e-mail issue and opportunity wasn't lost.
+ Meeting new people on the internet though mutual interests!
+ Most of the projects I wanted to do during April are done, and I feel the most effective I have felt in the past 6 months.
+ Haven't worried about money this week not once.
Yay for May!
today is saturday. sunny. queens, new york. we have now officially driven all the way across the country. we came here for my sweetheart’s dad’s cataract surgery (he’s 89 and just wanted us near, he worries a lot)…and now his dad is too worried to get the surgery! wow. so, here we are. his parents are from romania…they all speak romanian together and i don’t know a lick of it. well, a few words. they try hard to be conscious of speaking in english…i always feel slightly bad.
so much food. so much wheat and meat and sugar and cheeses and and. when we get back to california i want to do a good ol’ cleanse. wowza.
making sure to take time in the mornings to stretch my body. really sink down in and breathe and continue coming back and back and back to the breath. and then my lovie and i meditate together. so sweet. also trying to at the very least drink lots of water…my poor body and all these wild foods. trying to stay clear of wheat and sugar as much as i can, but frankly it is my default. my first mommy. my first unhealthy coping mommy. ugh. breathing gentleness for myself for eating things that hurt my body and my psyche. baby girl.
committing to getting on an aca(adult child of alcoholic’s) phone meeting today. feels so grounding and nurturing. and getting out in the sunshine for a brisk walk/joggish moving my body time. getting out my watercolors feels like a nice thing for me and my little one inside too.
sending gentleness and love from bed headquarters.
thank you all for sharing about your lives, your journeys. it helps me so much, this sharing of soul languages.
This week was really hard. A breath for making it through.
The Hard:
– I carefully planned a smooth transition, and then things changed unexpectedly and now it’s all a crazy, abrupt, chaotic transition. I’m really not sure how this is going to work out, because it seems pretty dire. A breath for Why Can’t Things Ever Just Be Simple For Once In My Life, Are You Kidding Me With This Right Now?!
– I’m about to move, and then I’ll move again in a few months. My Moving Monsters are freaking out.
– I need a job immediately. “Immediately” is generally not the timeframe in which jobs materialize.
– Several of my good friends and I are on paths that are our True Yes paths, but which will ultimately lead us in different directions. A breath for All Good Things Must Come to an End.
The Good:
– The weather has been lovely.
– The change in seasons and the need for interview clothes gives me a reason to do a little shopping. It’s nice, because I hardly ever buy new clothes.
– Wham Boom! A huge operation completed!
– Even though short-term life plans have been thrown all out of whack, long-term life plans are looking better than they have in a long time. Now I just need to find a Medium-Term Bridge to throw down over the Chasm of Chaos between Present and Future.
– Lots of stressful things are coming to a close.
Hello, Saturday. I am so glad to see you.
What worked? Going back to bed.
Next time? Add water sooner.
Frustrating, depressing, etc.:
* a friend’s mother near death
* home maintenance vs. savings
* work vs hours in day
* missing luau/dance b/c of [f]
* heap of rejections
* camera repairperson couldn’t duplicate the sticking-shutter problem
Joyful, rewarding, etc.:
* My boss is great. And not just because she surprised me with peach cobbler Wednesday afternoon.
* Fun chat with a former co-worker
* Spectacular planter full of salad greens from my in-laws, and an early birthday lunch with honorary mama tomorrow
* Seeker Riesling with sushi and shishamo before rehearsal and
long-through-the-night work push = exactly what I wanted
* Wrote a poem on the fly that delighted a choosy friend.
* I can paint my toenails tonight.
Warm wishes to all y’all.
Blowing happy kisses for the eight months!
The hard:
– computer blew, right in the middle of some serious editing. Decided that this is a message that I don’t need to hurry the editing. (Hence late chicken! But all timing is right timing, right?)
– other people’s stuff, and other people not knowing that People Vary
The good:
– it seems to be only the power cable, not the power supply.
– walking is going well. I think I will be able to do the pilgrimage.
– a couple of days of beautiful clarity about what was my stuff and what was everyone else’s stuff.
– my first ever attempt at choux pastry worked beautifully.
– hearing the church bells as I walked through Trumpington yesterday, and remembering that this is the month of reverberating.
The Hard:
– Sinus clog/ear infection and the choice I made to work through it, which was exhausting.
– Made a wish I was sure I’d get and then didn’t get my wish. Monsters took this as an indictment of me.
– Midterms.
– Gossip and how easy it is to fall into it and how awful it feels. I want a different way.
– The essay I didn’t want to write.
– The mystery of food that won’t make me sick.
The Good:
– Biking to school. Twice!
– Clothes shopping on the basis of a clue that also turned into a clue.
– Friday evening out in the yard putting together self-watering containers with my family. Also not thinking about school at all that entire afternoon, just being in nature.
– Bathtime with the baby girl.
– Realizing that the ear infection could be a clue and/or blessing instead of a punishment, and that it’s related to the clothes clue.
– Slow glorious weekend for quiet and calm.