It is Friday and we are here.
{a breath for Friday, and for being here when we get here.}
What worked this week?
Asking people who know.
I’ve been off gluten for fourteen months, but as far as I can remember, partaking in gluten usually just results in feeling sluggish and headachey.
This week, I had an ongoing health crisis, and wasn’t sure how much of what I was experiencing might be gluten-poisoning-related.
Texting Julie made everything better. She confirmed that my symptoms were EXACTLY what she goes through when she gets stealth-glutened, and hearing this took the edge off of my Oh Shit What Is Happening To Me panic.
Next time I might…
Say no when I don’t have a yes.
Not sure why I have to keep learning this.
Or why I keep dismissing it in the face of Logic — well, we traveled X hours and paid Y sum of money so we might as well do this thing that we know we don’t want to do.
No more. Let go, let go, let go.
Eight breaths for the hard, challenging and mysterious.
- A perfect storm of health issues, with stealth-gluten being just one of many pieces resulting in a very unhappy and uncomfortable Havi. And a wildly complicated bureaucratic nightmare trying to get help with them. A breath for trust and for healing.
- Much panic regarding the above. It isn’t helpful, but there it is. A breath for presence.
- Exhaustion due to both of the above. Even by the time I was mostly back to functional after seven days of hard, a five minute “workout” knocked me out completely. A breath for this.
- Why is the world. Oh, I don’t even know how to finish that sentence. After Memorial Day we stayed in the forest, and it was completely trashed. Just awful to see. Or the news that France’s parliament has voted to forbid big supermarkets from destroying unsold food, encouraging them to donate to charities or farms instead, as part of a national campaign against food waste.This is GOOD news, obviously. And yet, why do we still live in a world where supermarkets destroy their food — or worse, put bleach on it so hungry people can’t take it from their dumpsters. Why is not giving it to charities and feeding the hungry THE AUTOMATIC SOLUTION. Why do we live in such a terrible way that this kind of thinking, doing the right thing, is innovative. My heart aches for the world. It just hurts. A breath for healing.
- Perceiving distance when I crave closeness. A theme. A breath for turning inward and being close with myself.
- Being in pain (even mild discomfort) just makes everything that much harder. Unsure about decisions. Unsure about everything. A breath for this.
- Oh, plans changing in big and small ways. Mostly big. Many mysteries, including the Mystery of How Did I Make Plans And Buy Plane Tickets But Get The Date Wrong By A Month, the Mystery of How Do I Learn To Treat Myself Like The Most Sensitive Deer, the Mystery of Loving Downstairs and healing Downstairs at the same time but in a way that works for me, and the Mystery of Releasing and More Releasing. The Mystery Of Ohmygod Literal Gunshots Right Outside The Business I Own In Portland. Oh, and the Mystery of Why Does Stomach Ease Tea Contain Gluten When Gluten Is Why I Need The Tea To Begin With. A breath for hidden solutions, and for trusting the process.
- Inhale, exhale. May all misunderstandings and distortions, internal and external, dissolve in love if not in laughter. Goodbye (and thank you), mysteries and hard moments of this week. May I choose to trust-more love-more release-more receive-more.
Eight breaths of good, reassuring, delight-filled.
- The worst symptoms have gotten better, pretty amazing to not be in constant pain. A breath for this.
- Leaving Fresno early and heading for the hills. A breath for how healing it is for me to be outdoors.
- Sleeping in the woods! I slept like a baby. Twelve hours each night. Peeking out of the camper skylight at night to see the big dipper right above us, waking up surrounded by green. A breath for joy.
- Oh the woods and the rocks and how good this feels. We went for a lovely hike at Courtright Reservoir, and a two and a half meandering wander through woods and meadows. We saw many, many deer. And a bird catching a fish. And it was just quiet and peaceful and just-us. A breath for all of this.
- Still loving Shmita with all of its challenges and wonder. A breath for easing and releasing
- A decision that feels yes landed at the right time. And then another one. A breath for hearing the yes.
- My wonderful friend the vicar calmed me down when I was panicking and gave me sound medical advice and took me seriously without taking my jewish-hypochondriac-monsters seriously. And he said the exact right thing at the exact right time: “I adore you, you’re in pain, you’re far away, it’s a crappy situation and I’m sorry”. Yes. That actually made everything easier. A breath for this, and for pain meds and for really bad puns and for comfort.
- Thankfulness. So much is good. Holding hands with my traveling companion and smiling like dorks. Roasted beets and potatoes and garlic in the camper. Fixed the soup by adding potato and sauteed mushrooms. Amye cheered me up at the exact right moment. Wrote a post because I felt like it. Said no to one adventure and yes to another one, because I am a grand adventuress. Everything is okay. Nothing is wrong. Now is not then. All Timing Is Right Timing. Thankful for this grand adventure. A full breath of deep appreciation in my thank-you heart.
Wham booms, wisdom, superpowers, salve and FBOTW!
Operations completed. Wham boom!
This was a week of magically using up all the food in the fridge, good writing, good thinking, good processing. Thank you, Mission of Less, and fractal flowers, thank you Shmita, thank you Switch/Swoop. Wham Boom.
Superpowers I had this week…
I had the superpower of Twelve Hours of Healing Sleep Every Night, and the superpower of remembering to Twizzledaddle (that’s what the boy calls spirals).
Powers I want.
Last week I asked for I Joyfully Avoid Things That Are Unnecessary, and oh how I want more of that. I would also like That Was A Great Decision, and some Glow Like A Pro.
The Salve of Joyfully Avoiding Things That Are Unnecessary.
This salve makes it easier to say no, and suddenly the no becomes kind of fun.
Sometimes you don’t even have to say it, you just radiate it, and you laugh, and everyone understands completely.
When I put this on my skin, I feel a light tingling sensation and then I am somehow giddy and grounded at the same time.
I walk around saying yes to my yes and joyfully avoiding all things that do not support me. They are gloriously unnecessary now, and I delight in not doing them.
This is a secret sovereignty salve and it glows like diamonds.
Playing live at the meme beach house — the Fake Band of the Week!
This week’s band comes from Richard and it’s called Soup Rescue, and it’s actually just one guy.
And my upcoming Biopic…
It Looks Like A Bowl. The Havi Brooks Story.
Attenzione! Attention, AGENTS.
I am recommending the Emergency Get Calm, Quiet And Steady techniques, aka the thing that keeps me from falling apart, and the only way I got through this week of pain, worry and doubt.
Come play if you like…
Join me in the comments. You are welcome to take a breath, share something from your week, leave warmth or hearts, whatever works for you. My format doesn’t have to be yours. We’ve been doing this every week for years now and there still isn’t a right way.
Everyone belongs. We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. We don’t give advice.
Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.
p.s. It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — join in whenever you like. Blowing kisses to the Beloved Lurkers too!
Follow
The hard:
– other people’s pain
The good:
– the most magnificently, casually, queer weekend (almost everybody was! and everybody knew! and nobody cared! and nobody questioned!)
– lots and lots of walking
– super massive progress on editing
– sorting my head out, hurrah!
What worked:
– Visibility Charm
– walking. More walking.
Happy Friday, everyone!
Ooof. I am glad that you are feeling better and getting lots of sleep, Havi.
What worked? More sleep. Saying no.
What next? Plan less, move/study/rest more.
Irritating, frustrating, etc.
* Inflamed nerve + referral pain + drug side fx
* Receiving criticism for clutter from someone who keeps blowing off my requests in relation to it
* The rods I ordered not the solution to lily flop
* Received intel about a land mine. Appreciate the intel but feeling like I have to brace myself for unrealistic/inconsistent expectations is tiresome.
* Slow, buggy tech.
* Hidden $300 fee.
Reassuring, welcome, etc.
* Using up ingredients
* Majestic Coffee with mooncakes
* Finding out that my Sportsplex pass doesn’t expire for another year
* Some of the too-short cuttings have produced roots anyway
* Swimming lane all to myself
* Chatting with colleagues about cute bartenders and sorghum berries
Warm wishes to all y’all. Shabbat shalom.
The Hard:
– Three situations in which men got loudly and aggressively in their stuff, and I started looking for places to hide in case they had a gun. A breath for fear.
– Being completely overtaken by monsters while visiting my relatives. A breath for forgiveness.
– The mystery of wanting and simultaneously not wanting to live in Portland. A breath for being shown the way.
– The mystery of my schedule next year, and wondering what big change is coming if all the Intel I get is “maybe.” A breath for trust.
– Almost got hit by a semi while biking. Would have been at least somewhat my fault. A breath for paying greater attention.
The Good:
– My little brother got married! The same one who experts once thought would never live on his own and would need to stay with my mother until some day he moved in with me. And his wife is amazing and also they both just graduated and I’m happy for them. A breath for love.
– The kid keeps getting better and better at expressing herself and what she wants, i.e. becomes more interesting and amazing. She’s currently walking from room to room strumming her ukulele and singing about pigs. A breath for delight.
– The weather is delightful, and my garden is filled with hummingbirds! A breath for wonder. Another for joy.
Love! <3
beautiful 🙂
Happy Friday and Cluck!!
I love Twizzledaddle! My husband calls them something different and goofy every time he sees me do them, like Squiggydoodles.
what worked this week: Fractal flowers and looking for the Yes clues. Found huge clues and small clues, all good. Also excellent well-tending is become the rule rather than an exception
the Sucks:
-you know how December gets all chaotic and busy and hectic? May is much the same for Bolivians. a breath for omg are we done yet?
-green eyes
-flying shoes
-“you can’t teach tenderness” no, you really can’t.
– hours of alcohol-fueled bullshit and anger
-lack of progress on so many things
-one pie, many slices. I was trying to talk with my writing partner on Monday, very tender and hard things–while my family interrupts, pretends they are choking, fights with each other, screams, yells–till I get off. a breath for fuck all y’all.
-i am trying not to eat sugar, but then i had a little and then ugh
-tapping out of Zumba 30 minutes in. a breath for shame
-all the things that are not congruent, not working, not aligned
-having to be the bad guy all the fucking time. having to keep busting FIL about smoking in the house. Losing my temper with the youngest kid, having the husband wake up from 4th nap of the day to mansplain why i handled that so poorly. a breath for seriously STFU now.
-Levanah not getting what she wants. dismay
-lots of clues about what i don’t want. it’s good intel, but there is sadness there.
lots of sparkle too:
-school is almost done, oh thank gawd
-managing most of the end of year shenanigans with ease and comfort. there are so many things and they just keep coming, usually with needs for a bag lunch, towels and money
-a well-timed stomach flu reminded the husband how much water i carry
-Eldest kid doing okay, despite some set backs in her grades last month
-fractal flowers! tiny bits of progress on Operation Yellow Daisies. less processed food. more patience, less yelling.
-Moving! Zumba, pilates, yoga, running, laps, sauna/steam/hottub. all kinds of delicious movement
– leveled up recently. i am calmer about things that used to set me off. even in hard moments, stayed strong in my core
-leveled up Morning Sit, and more Evening Sit. leveled up praxis in general
-Beacons and bells!
-“when you see it happening for others, it’s on its way to you.” happiness for so many of my beloveds and their accomplsihments
– summer fun coming together. Booked a room at the lovely Hotel Curtis for Colorado Burlesque Fest. working on Operation 50/50.
-Launching Operation Gold Star
-everything is fine, really.
-the weather! omg so much green
Haha I have never lasted more than ten minutes in a zumba class, I think it’s because of the music? But all these old ladies are WORKING IT and I’m like, ugh I’m tired and I need to go now. 🙂
hahaha this makes me feel better. i’m pushing myself with this because i really want to get back to dance class and this is excellent practice before i commit to the time, cost and intimidation of going back to Dance Class. i like some of the music but a lot of it is ugh.
First – OH! I *finally* get the salve (at least for me; at least for this moment!), and it’s SO FABULOUS! I can use the salve to live into the experience of the gift of the salve. I LOVE IT! <3 (And also, this feels so huge to me, I cannot stop grinning. Super grateful!)
What Worked:
*Being honest & direct with my honey about [silent retreat] after all of these years of just going along with it because it seemed easier (and then resenting the hell out of it later)
*Making earlier bed time a priority. I need my sleep!
Next Time I Might:
*Clearly (and without defensiveness) state my needs sooner.
*Practice boundary setting, and holding, more regularly. Practice makes perfect!
Hard:
*Still. So. Tired. I have a hard time understanding how I could possibly feel so damn tired lately. All the time. Even with naps! Super frustrating, especially because I recognize that it's not (entirely) physical exhaustion.
*Fear around an ending, and all of the not-knowing that I'm experiencing right now. I know I need to learn to trust. It sucks, and I do not love this feeling.
*Feeling like I need so much more alone time than it seems I can possibly have. Ever. Especially now. Feeling like, even as an adult, I still don't know how to meet my own needs. If I won't advocate for me, who will?!
*Back to the sugar. Back to the soda. Back to the overeating. I know how this feels, and I know how I *want* to feel, but I keep coming back.
Good:
*There is also excitement around this ending, and I'm noticing that I'm feeling more energized today. I can't help but wonder if the two are related.
*Being invited to a testing and interview process for a learning program that would be SO amazing to be a part of. Happy heart sigh for following my gut and even applying!
*Excited about the class I'm currently in. It's so nice to feel like I'm helpful, and smart, and capable (especially with something that's a typically male-dominated field!)
*So many happies for a friend who is traveling and experiencing life in a way that she adores.
Heart breath for all!
Friday! Hi!
My hardest thing this week was an unexpected conversation that left me feeling a sadness and despair that lasted for the rest of that day. I didn’t recognize the monsters right away; it just felt like truth, and consequences, and doom.
There were many many good things, though: artist dates, and cozy companionable adventures, and singing, and writing, and treats — and all the while, a lot of sweet, steady, under-the-surface work on this year’s magical secret project.
Hey, it’s Friday, and I’m feeling happy. Thank you for the salve! I am lighting my candle over here; it smells like chai, and it feels like a sky full of stars on the clearest night. <3
*silent pebble*<3
Love the salve, just what I need at the moment!
I wish you a fast recovery from health unpleasantries.
Regarding food waste, one of the biggest stops in country where I live, is that the government wants VAT paid on donated goods, including food. One bakery owner ended up in newspapers because he got a fine for giving away bread after store closing. You’re literally not allowed to give food away unless you’re ready to pay 25% of its full price to our stepmotherland. Of course no one does and rather throw food away.
It drives me mad to think about this.
Hard parts of my week:
– So much time spent out & about and not enough in my office, doing things that pay the bills.
– All the time I spent with M. was her shopping and if there’s something I hate it’s shopping, and the only thing I hate more than that it’s accompanying other people while they’re shopping.
– Wow I’m not able to say no when anyone asks for any help, even when I’m beyond crazy busy.
– D. hated today’s lunch, when I was so pleased with how I combined everything and it turned out fine, and I’m slightly hurt. I’m tired of being the one cooking all the time, I don’t even like cooking.
– I found myself not remembering what I do when I’m not working or reading things on the Internet that doesn’t include other people. Everything leads me back to thinking about work and making notes, and I really need a break.
The good:
+ Unexpected adorable 50’s style polka-dot dress find during the shopping I hated until that moment, and I could afford it, and then M. treated me with part of the cost.
+ I asked my people to tell me what they struggle with and got so many heartfelt answers. Also, relieved that most of them don’t care about audio / podcasts because I so don’t want to do them.
+ A weekend with no obligations. More of this, please!
+ I asked for the way and got a clear, loud answer “go for a walk”. And then I went for a walk. I forget that I’m always able to ask and get the answer I need.
+ I realized not all emails need answering and that I’m not a bitch for not wanting to accept someone’s way of communication that I cannot understand and don’t want to deal with.
Superpower I want: Recognizing This Is Not My Responsibility.
Thank you.
Lots of hard & lots of good, and it all basically boils down to…
The hard:
– knowing what I don’t want
– the thing I don’t want being the thing that pays the bills
– not knowing what I want (Or maybe it’s more like hiding what I want from myself…)
The good:
– knowing what I don’t want
– remembering that monster fears are not truth
– taking care of myself (even if it’s not first)
Oof.
🙂
Thanks Havi for this format, which includes sharing the hard…
A lot of what’s around me is wooing me into falling in love with being with the harder feelings. I’ve been in a practice of gratitude listing and re-framing and bouncing, but I’ve been hearing and learning and reading about just being with frustration, despair, whathaveyou.
So, when I was avalanched by huge and non-specific sadness and anger recently, I was with it. I allowed myself to repeat it again and again to myself…I felt like I couldn’t help it, anyways, so I just didn’t resist so much. I breathed with it. I’m grateful it was non-specific sadness and anger, which helped me to know it was an emotional tide that would probably hopefully pass. And it did pass.
The huge waves crashed upon an island of feeling like I’m in heaven-on-earth, where I’m awed by the perfection and glory of what’s around me. Now I think I’m back on the waves, but more steady in my boat, with this whole new way of being, bewholeding.
Thanks Havi, for inspiring such a full way of being.
The hard:
– Someone I care about having a serious health crisis. A breath for waiting, and for hope.
– Someone directing their Stuff at me because they don’t want to talk to the person they must work with to resolve the problem at hand. A breath for deflecting. This is not my Stuff. This is not my problem. I will not be involved in this.
– Feeling a bit overwhelmed by job & apartment search being so up in the air. A breath for grounding.
– So much stress about finances. A breath for abundance.
The good:
– A few solid leads on the job front & the apartment front.
– Continuing to use unemployed time for rest, reading, & art. Enjoying it while it lasts.
– Feeling like I’m making artistic progress, after not feeling this way for a long time.
Last week I was surprised to find that saying ‘I accept myself’ made a sense of space inside me. After a while I worked out that this is because the I that is accepting is bigger than the myself I feel scared of being. Also, I discovered that I have to accept myself when I’m big, too. I can see a lot of my lack of confidence has come from having learnt to not accept myself big. This week I want to learn what it means to trust myself, and how to do it. I suspect there is some link to risk. My rational brain has a lot of objections to the idea of self-trust. I’m curious to discover what is here.
Mmmmm yes to all of this! <3
Hello Chicken! It is Chicken Day and we are here!
Things are really awesome right now and I can’t stop smiling!
Breathing for tangles and mysteries and enigmas.
+The mystery of [YAIF2EF?]. I like [F]! Breathing for this mystery. Breathing for my body to tell me what the deal is.
+The mystery of Tik Tok. This is very mysterious indeed. Breathing for the Now Is Not Then, and breathing for the Uncertainty, and breathing for the It Is What It Is {!IIWII!}
+The mystery of the gross sealcoating happening in the parking lot outside my apartment. UGH. NO. STOP. Breathing for…breathing.
+Breathing for Banana Peel. Still a mystery.
+Breathing for Flying Saucers. So useful, and yet, so much upkeep. Pheewwff.
+Breathing for the mystery of Yellow Yellow. Breathing in the support of Golden that allows Yellow to be as Yellow as it wants to be.
+Breathing for Pink Over Orange. A hard choice and a right choice. Breathing the tangliness of it into my lungs.
+Breathing for Back & Front. (Fake band!?)
+Breathing for the H that is and the H that isn’t.
+Breathing for Agent Llama and the Marinara Dreams. Oy vey and a half. And the Tchotchke Beard. All of that. SIGH!
+Breathing for releasing the Indigo Rose. Also a hard choice and a right choice. Breathing for the me who wanted the other choice to be the right choice sooooo badly. Sweet, sweet wonderful me.
+Breathing for O Tannenbaum. I feel sad about it and it’s okay that it is what it is {!IIWII!}
Breathing for donuts and sweetness and rainbows and unicorns.
+Breathing for Secret Mission RUMS! Top Secret! Top Secret! ! Fee Fi Fo Fums, time for secret mission RUMS! ::giggles mischievously::
+Breathing for Operation Pterodactyl which is the most awesome thing I have ever done in my whole life and possibly also the scariest thing I have ever done in my whole life and I still can’t REALLY believe I am doing it.
+Breathing for the magical secret potion I acquired at the community healing fest the other day! OHMYGOSH! If anyone wants to check out AWESOME POTIONS?!? GO TO HERE: http://www.stitchprism.com/#!gemly–fern-/cnkf The one I got is called Deep Self Love and Healing. EEeeeeeEEeEEeeeee magic potion!
+Breathing ALL THE YES for the entire healing fest. I got a reiki session! I got to just chill in the space and read about acupuncture (which is not my jam but I love knowing about it and I love that other people get to have it! and also I love reading books! books!!!)
+Breathing for Queer Trans Yoga, which is a thing that i get to have in my life right now, and it is a magnificent gift to myself, and it is PERFECTLY TIMED, because in my life yoga always magically appears exactly when I need it, like it did after [that thing] and during [that other thing] and like RIGHT NOW. YES YES YES.
+Breathing for Operation WonderSaurus. Yeah! Breathing into the weirdnesses of fitting it in and how I crave it and how I listen to those cravings and everything is so good when I do that YES YES YES.
+Breathing for the Trans Health Conference! This is happening THIS WEEK and I am really going to go to it and yayyyyyyyyy!!!!
+Breathing for Operation Hammock Plus! OHMYGOD. WORTH EVERY PENNY, I KNOW IT I KNOW IT I KNOW IT. YES. YES. YES.
+Breathing for possibly sticking my toes into Operation RIFF again! Not at all a thing I expected right now but WOW! Let’s do the thing! All right!
Really workin’ my Superpower of Feet On The Ground right now. And my Superpower of This Body Knows What’s Up. Breathing in Super Tree Power and Super Stones Power. Letting Super Water Power wash over me. Spiraling into Super Q Power. Yes.
And as usual, a heavy sshhhwwassshhhh of I Totally Got This and I Am So Ready. YEAH! FUCK YEAH!!
This week my Fake Band is: Funky Bundt Pan! Whooooo!!!
Hard – Home invasion violation. Which Brought a Great Honor, but Still!! A dream revealed how much this hurt. Have discussed the issue with The Dude, since he gave the permission.
The Huge Big Good lasted only 3 days. But, he started A New Job. And in between he had another trip to the Sick Bay for A New Problem.
Still have Hip pain, but it seems to be diminishing.
The Good – Strawberries. Chocolate cake.
Kon-mari’d the Games Closet. Sparklepoints!
Renamed the blah Daily Notes pages “Intel”.
The car pool.
What will I do next time?
Keep asking.
Use the air freshener to bless the house and the property and reinforce the boundaries before and after each Home Invasion. And ask The Producers for additional security.
{!IIWII!} It Is What It Is (thanks,CQ!) – Oh, it was a Monster!
I have been feeling like I should be doing stuff around the house, or Quest paperwork, after I get home from work – with a side dish of blaming The Dude (mentally) because he has the TV on and Just Sits There.
I realized that A) The Should Bee is one of my monsters, not me responding to my yes, or no, or a Body problem. And B) I got a new Crew member, the Bee With Me who reminds me to be with myself wherever I am, and Bee Mindful or Present.
Project Quadruple D. (Part of the Walk to the Stained Glass Door.) I’ve forgotten what one D stands for but Quadroople is so much more fun to say than Triple. I am keeping That Which Is Mine. He has Provisions. It is Right. Sparklepoints!
Chicken hug!
Hello Havi, I think this is my first comment. I am coming out of lurker status.
So for me there have been lots of HARDS this week.
-Getting angry with my parents for How Things Are. And unfortunately telling them all the while knowing this was Not a Good Idea.
-Ongoing challenges in the financial department.
-Realising that current situation in life is Not Sustainable.
-Recognising the feeling to Run Fast Away from Here and recognising that this is actually an internal patterning.
-Wondering what it is I want to run from.
GOOD
-A phonecall from a friend in Spain this evening (where I used to live)
-Email from a friend in France who I miss and love who is also a traveller and understands my stuff.
-My therapist who is helping me to understand my stuff all the while knowing that at any minute I might go to Bali.
-My flat which is warm and sunny and full of lovely things.
-My growing ability to be with me (and not run away from me) even when things are so painful and difficult.
-The knowing that the better I am able to help myself with my stuff the better i will be at helping others with theirs.
I think I need to get back into the nature and watch it and the animals just being as you have. Thanks for your lovely writing and sharing and giving space for others to share. I feel quite a bit lighter for it. £>
Joyfully Avoiding the Unnecessary! That is a very lovely salve!
Sending pebbles and things to all.