Hello, week: we are here.
{a breath for being here when we get here}
Thank you, week!
This is the 418th week in a row and I am glad we are chickening here together!
What’s been working?
This week I learned something about how when we go into fight-flight-freeze, and the amygdala starts firing danger-danger, this keeps up for twenty minutes? I have no idea how accurate this is, and don’t particularly care, because thinking TWENTY MINUTES is useful for me.
I can get through twenty minutes.
I can alter how I experience these twenty minutes by changing how I am inside of them, and knowing the (theoretical) end point helps me approach everything differently.
Monsters might say that Everything Is Ruined because these twenty minutes affect and consequently Screw Up All The Other Minutes Forever, but actually twenty minutes is a do-able amount of time to come down from a scary moment.
I can breathe and do TRE tremoring, or wrap up in blankets. Or set a timer. Twenty Minutes.
Thinking about twenty minutes helped me feel a bit less like helpless and maybe also a bit more more like superman: sure, we just had a surprise-kryptonite encounter, but we’re only going to be out for this long, and we are getting better at this process.
I might try…
Five minutes of dance practice.
Sometimes I do that thing of oh well I don’t practice because I don’t have an hour. But one song is enough. One song changes things. Back to 5MX!
Naming the days.
This was the week of let’s channel something new and these were the days.
Love the doors. Surprise treasure everywhere. Clarity lands. Incoming. Treasure invites treasure. Real sanctuary. Glamorous AND wild.
Upcoming biopic if it were based on this week…
Mysterious Puddles On The Floor And I’m Okay
8 breaths for the hard, challenging and mysterious.
- The toxic cesspool that is the internet (not here), and how gross it gets and how fast, and how I almost always regret looking. Breathing for spaciousness and newness.
- The way I experience my world constricting due to creeps. So many streets I won’t walk down because of [scary incident], and then a man came out of an alley near my house and very deliberately crossed to block my path while pulling off his shirt. I think he was just not okay in a lot of ways, and I got away and I get a hundred thousand points retroactively every day forever for practicing Safety First in that moment. But now when I come to Portland and leave my house, I only turn right and not left because I don’t want to be in the part of the neighborhood that comes after left. Do you see? That is the aftermath of the twenty minutes, and it lasts for however long it lasts. A breath.
- [Other things I don’t want to talk about] Another breath.
- The beautiful faraway cowboy and I went to Portland and he had no time for me and there is nothing even slightly surprising about the fact that this happened, but somehow I forgot what he is like in Portland, and then felt upset with myself for being in this state of being surprised about something unsurprising, and this is the theme of my life since forever. A breath.
- Hahaha all the (illusory) plans falling through. As is the nature of plans. Let’s breathe for the new and better (and equally illusory but more fun) plans I don’t know about yet but believe in.
- There are missions and ops that need to happen to bring certain forms of Es and Ease, and they are going to take as long as they are going to take, and I am having trouble getting used to this. Also everything is tetris again in the form of “you have to move X and Y to make space for Z but Z is arriving faster than anything can be rearranged. And in the meantime, the mess and noise is putting me in a murderous state of mind that shows me there are boundaries that need attention. And of course the protocol of Extreme Self-Care would help. A breath for me and my beautiful wishes and trust in right timing and laughing at the illusion of wrong-ness.
- The ceiling in my secret studio sanctuary is leaking and my favorite armchair is soaking wet, and it does not feel like a sanctuary or like a studio or like a secret. Though it does at least solve the mystery of From Whence This Puddle. A breath for speedy, easy, inexpensive solutions, may they reveal themselves soon.
- Inhale, exhale. May all misunderstandings and distortions, internal and external, dissolve in love if not in laughter. May peacefulness prevail. Trust-more love-more release-more receive-more. Goodbye (and thank you), mysteries and hard moments of this week.
8 breaths for the good, reassuring, delight-filled.
- My balance has gotten so good thanks to latest panther training methods. Staying on the balance board for up to thirty minutes. Adding a minute a day. Feeling it in dance — I have so much more control, and better recovery. A breath of gratitude for how good it feels to play.
- Fulfilled a big life wish with an elaborate photo shoot that involved dancing in the streets and feeling alternately like a Bond girl, a panther, a model, a bird in a flock at sunset, and an ethereal river nymph queen. A breath.
- I had a moment of sad about missing the black and white ball — I didn’t buy a ticket and it sold out, but then my friend’s date canceled last minute and he said “hey are you in town and do you have a black dress?”, and miraculously I was and I did. A breath for the sheer magic of it all, waltzing in the park at sunset, with beautifully dressed friends, indescribable joy. And I got to dance to “let’s Marvin Gaye and get it on” with Marjorie, my forever-crush, who was stunning in her white dress, both of us smiling our faces off, heaven.
- Big wild intense sweetness with the beautiful faraway cowboy and a last night together before he took off on his motorcycle, headed to maybe-Wyoming without me. A breath for slowly getting better at goodbyes.
- Ever since going on chyrsalis, I have Adrianna’s superpower, the one I have been studying and asking for over and over for what feels like years now, the power of Ah I Have Forgotten How To Worry. And while some parts of this can be frustrating (for example, it turns out all that worry was actually hiding truckloads of resentment and hurt, and now I have to learn about that), all in all I would give a rating of 10/10 to not worrying. It is so marvelously liberating and frees up so much energy for other things, and it makes it easier to see and welcome miracles of all sizes. A breath of thankfulness.
- Speaking of things I have finally learned how to do, throwing myself a parade. Self-appreciation is a radical act, and if you need proof of that, try it and see how hard it is to stay present with it! A breath for a hundred thousand retroactive parades. Tiny quiet mouse parades!
- Thankfulness. Treasure in the form of the best coincidences, seeing all my favorite people, beach day, detours, adventures, and actual photographic evidence of the fact that my body has figured out what Esther calls “rib anchors” without having to remind myself, aka the superpower of new habits landing in my body. Everything is okay and so much is good. Nothing is wrong, even when I want to believe it is. Now is not then. All Timing Is Right Timing. Thank you for this grand adventure. A full breath of deep appreciation in my thank-you heart.
Superpowers I had this week…
Last week I asked for the powers of powers of opening the doors that need opening and closing the ones that need closing, and being unhesitatingly clear about which is which. Beautiful wishes, and all received.
Powers I want.
More of the same please and also the superpower of Welcoming The Muse.
I am 99% sure that the key to this (for me) is making peace and quiet a priority in my life, which means I also need the superpower of that, so really this is about Crown On, like everything else, so that I can be so clear and grounded in my commitment to giving myself what I need, to the best of my ability in a given moment.
And, along with that, the superpower of deep intense loving self-forgiveness for all the times I can’t do this, or haven’t been able to in the past.
The Salve of Inviting In What Needs To Come In.
This salve is about welcoming, and welcoming is about knowing that you belong. That’s how you welcome things, by welcoming yourself, or making new safe space for you. This is one of those things that falls into the category of “it’s simple but that doesn’t mean it’s easy”, and luckily this salve brings the ease.
Playing live at the meme beach house — the Fake Band of the Week!
This week’s band:
From Whence This Puddle
Their latest album is Murder Versus Cork, and this band is just one guy.
Announcement time….
The fantastic monster manual is still available in the place that used to be the the shop, and it is enormously useful if you would like to practice being Way Less Impressed with the horrible things that internal critical voices say!
How was your week?
Come play in the comments. Share something from your week, take a breath, or just say hi! No rules, my format doesn’t have to be yours, we’ve been doing this every week for years now and there still isn’t a right way.
Everyone belongs. We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. We lovingly refrain from giving advice.
And of course it’s always okay to comment under a made-up name, whether for play and delight, or in the interest of Safety First.
Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.
It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — jump in whenever you like. Blowing kisses to the Beloved Lurkers too!
* <3 * <3 * <3 *
This has been, for me, a week of feeling more and more vulnerable and wobbly. None of this is surprising; there's a lot going on.
Here I am, though, at the threshold of a new week, a new month, and a new moon, and many new adventures. I feel ready to go deep, and also to go *lightly*, because I need that. And Crown On — oh, yes yes yes, me too, me tooooo. And I need to remember that the voices saying But You Can't are (1) monster voices and (2) mistaken.
I now invoke the superpower of My Crown Is Always On, Because I Am Always A Queen. * <3 *
yeah!!! <3
PARADE!!! Floats! Twirlings! Garlands! Smilings!
!!!!
First Monarch of summer flew through our yard. Wild milkweed and cultivated tangerine colored milkweed all doing well. Best of all, rain this afternoon and evening–wonderful, glorious rain!
Mmmmmm that sounds so lovely, all of it. Glad.
Flutterings and refreshings!
SSunday chicken andw e are right on time!
so any discoveries, plus I’m on mini-solo Rally at home. DIY RAlly 2: Seelva Oscura. Lts of treasure so far and we have 2 more days.
the sucks:
-husband’s on going rudeness, unkindness etc. i dont know why this is sudddenly so hard for me, but ti is, every interaction is antagonistic, and if i speak up for myself i’m picking a fight.
all the ground i lost when i fell off my workout and dance schedule
-a million things to do
-backsliding and lack of movement
-a dozen silent rretreats
but so muchu good:
-my girls are home. the bickering is far less. Priness introvert is very helpful, just got a nice pat on the back from hr guidance counselor. youngest has growing pains. so glad they are home
-shields and force fielsds
-the magick of Rally. seriously this is great
-thinking like a dancer. this is a strange mindset, i think this is what Havi called ‘panther training’. fopr me it’s a huge part of Operation Bianca Jaguar, so rawr baby rawr
-the wriitng is getting better
-a new workshop is developing in my mind, intriguing
-new moon nd Lughnasadh. love
-with lugh all kinds of mental clarity comes in, plus creative ebrgy, a new set of lessons.
-doing by doing. i love when doing the practice answres my questions
rawr baby rawr! <3
Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
Cluck cluck cluck
Goodbye July; hello August. Goodbye summer, hello autumn.
The hard:
– trapped nerve in neck, lost a lot of vision for a bit, was very scary
– can’t fix things for people, definitely can’t fix people
– seeing what doesn’t work is helpful in the long run, but it hurts
The good:
– neck is healing quickly; my vision came back when I lay down; my ma drove us home and so we could bring not just our luggage and a bike but three boxes of books that are mine. Treasure!
– the Needles; the Landslip; new walking boots; the Solent; the Channel
– swimming in the sea
– pink lychee liqueur
– getting much much better at looking after myself
– something magical has happened in [not-quite-hometown] and it is full of treasure. There is a labyrinth in the shape of a diplodocus and we found it on my birthday. Is that not the best thing?
– and saw a wall lizard, too.
– stripping dried mint and lavender, and the oils so powerful that they make my eyes water. A good way to move between the seasons.
Superpowers of an orange folding bicycle!
I am so looking forward to the Path of Stones.
Love this place and these people. <3 <3 <3
Oh your twenty minutes reminded me of the time my heart broke worse than any other heart had ever broken in the history of the world and I would often just collapse and cry and be afraid I was going to cry forever. So I started timing it. And I realized that the crying always ended. And the timing helped me think of it like labor pains and contractions, which are timed, too.
The Hard:
Critiques on writing from new people who seem to want all of the information of the entire novel shoved into the first 10 pages. I would hate to think how these people approach a kiss. And those moments before a kiss.
Apparently forgetting to take off my “please touch me” signs before I went out last night. A friend-ish sort of person who is a man would not stop touching and grabbing me, and then would get mad when I asked him to stop. And then after he stormed off a man took his place who started to talk to us and thought that it was ok to poke my arm to make a point, or lean across me with an arm to talk to my friend, or try to cajole us into having more drinks when all we wanted was seltzer.
My friend in her stuff again. I don’t know how to say “people’s worlds don’t revolve around you” but that seems counterproductive anyway.
The Good:
Having my trusted writing group to email in frustration and for a reality check. Remembering that not everything requires a response.
The Boy, who is my actual friend, and is a peaceful haven from all of that. And so I joined the Boy who was far away from the man, and we talked and laughed and sat quietly until they kicked us out and no one had to touch anyone and it was so nice. I went home with a peaceful heart and a body that had lowered her defenses.
I no longer respond when she is ranting on. I watch golf and pretend to be fascinated by it until she has yelled at whoever she is yelling at. And then I remember to make other plans next time.
Checking in from Bolivia, the weather is very nice here! That’s all for now, hearts and pebbles for everyone <3
HELLO CHICKEN!
What’s working?
+Decking Out (fa la la la la!)
+Flick! Swish! Just like this. Flicketty swish! Look at all this! ::secret code giggling::
+firing up the Rockets and trusting the Ship
+cycling in the Tea Time reboots
I might try…
+Actually doing ItBeFi rather than just talking myself into a mindset of ItBeFi
+channeling Strength, Resilience, Badassery INSTEAD OF Guidance, Clarity, Answers.
+8 stars
+5m+1h blocks
[colorset 7D]
aqua chill, grass, tea rose, corn, mint, forest green
Breathing for mysteries, of which there are ever many.
+Breathing for the mystery of my left hip. I dunno, buddy. Can we get it together? Breathing love and healing into this hip.
+Breathing also for the mystery of my left hand. So mysterious. So much breathing.
+Breathing for the mystery of Who Can Crunch This? Totally Awesome Me, that’s who. I can do it and I can breathe while I do it.
+Breathing for the mystery of Iguana Goat Asleep. Iguana Goat Asleep! Iguana Goat Asleep [ever!!]
+Breathing for the mystery of Deep Space. I haven’t seen it yet! How can I Navigate! Aaaah! Breathing.
+Breathing for the mystery of I Don’t Think I Said Yes To This Yet I Seem To Keep Yesing. Breathing for the illuminated pattern(s). Breathing.
+Breathing for the mystery of Splutter Case. Whoa. Breathing it open, free, smooth smooth smooth. Breathing. Yes.
+Breathing for the mystery of I Don’t Like You / I Like You. Ohhhh, THAT mystery. Breathing.
Breathing for delights, celebrating the loveliness
+Breathing for I have an apartment! To go live in! Hooraaaaaayyyy!!!!!!!
+Breathing for Agent Planets, who is sending me Magic Teacups! Yaaaaaay!!!
+Breathing for the simplicity of Space Swoosh. Oh this feels so much easier than the last times. Let’s see if it really is. <3 Breathing for it. Ahhhh yes.
+Breathing for the Mes who give big high fives to all the other Mes! YAY YAY YAY.
+Breathing for Agent Whistlep, rocking the mission and holding the parameters. Mmmmhhh.
+Breathing for the entire Pond Adventure!
+Breathing for the next phase, the Bay Phase, the newness, the deliciousness, the possibilities.
+Breathing for Being the Time Machine! WOW.
Breathing. Yes. Yes. Breathing.
Steadiness and Rocking. Elation and solace. Gratitude and imagining. Love and strength.
FUCK YEAH.
And the fake band of the week…get ready for it…Torus Attraction and the River of Donuts! Mm Mmm MMMMmmm.
<3
“+channeling Strength, Resilience, Badassery INSTEAD OF Guidance, Clarity, Answers.”
<3
My new job is a lot lonelier than I thought it would be for [rigged game reasons]. My previous job was *extremely* lonely, and I thought this one would be loads and loads better, but it is only about 5% better (and in some ways, worse). People, let’s get it together!!! We could accomplish so much more together than alone! Seriously!!
About to Do A Scary Thing (hmm, DASTARDLY) and craving some support. How could I provide some of this support for myself? What do I need?
Legitimacy
Togetherness with other people
Togetherness with myself
Courage
Steadiness (Rock Steady)
Tenderness
IDGAF x 1000
Crown On
Grounded
I’M A SECRET SUPERHERO AGENT OF AGENCY, SHHHHHH
I HOLD A CRYSTAL CLEAR INTENTION
I LOVE AND TRUST MYSELF
I’M A KNOCK YOUR SOCKS OFF BADASS JUST BY BEING