Where I cover the good and the hard in my week, visiting the non-preachy side of ritual and self-reflection.
It is Friday and we are here.
With the glorious (glorrrrrrrrrrrious!) return of the wham boom.
What worked?
COLORS!
I used colors to solve a problem, and I did not expect this to work, but it did.
Not only did substituting colors for emotion help me write about the situation, it also helped me move past the emotion long enough to see the solution, which in turn helped resolve a bunch of the feelings.
I feel Tangerine and Turkish Rose about this!
Anagrams, again.
Seriously, anagrams. Anagrams and exclamation points.
I was super stuck on a writing project that I was calling Wackadoodle Backadoodle, so I made up a game with the same name, and looked up anagrams:
A Cabala Docked Doodle Wok! A Baa Deadwood Locked Lock! A Cacao Addled Bowled Kook! A Cakewalk Bladed Coo Dodo! A Cakewalk Boa Coddle Dodo! A Awaked Oddball Code Cook! A Koala Deadlock Boded Cow! A Awake Blockaded Odd Loco!
Obviously, I already felt better because how could you not? A Cabala Docked Doodle Wok!
And then everything felt lighthearted and easier, and I played the game (which involved Look At Everything On The Internet For An Hour, as well as much awarding of sparklepoints), and went back to writing. Doodle Wok!
Validation and legitimacy.
I’d been feeling so incredibly frustrated and upset about [Situation X], and this was exacerbated by how not frustrated everyone else seems to be about it.
This week I talked this over with lots of people, and they all said OHMYGOD THIS IS THE WORST, and that was really helpful.
While turning to external sources of legitimacy is not the end-goal, it was so useful for me to experience what it is like to be in an environment where people see what I’m seeing, and recognize the problem as what it is: a huge problem.
I like to think that this is retroactively healing pain-from-then for Tiny Me as well.
Next time I might…
Remember the thing about the week after.
Last week was just ridiculously productive, and so I did the thing where I want it to continue forever.
Except that’s not how the creative process works. You blossom, you rest. You plant, you rest.
This week I wanted to MAKE STUFF GO, but it wasn’t the week for that. It was the week for reflecting and transitions.
Once I recognized the pattern I was in, I was able to let myself go for a walk, take a shower, watch the cop show that I call Suspiciously Good Looking Canadians. Looking for clews instead of trying to make “progress”. And once I did that, the work problems started solving themselves.
More space in-between.
Yup, still figuring out buffers and transitions, and the question of “how much space is enough space, given that however much I plan for is never even close to enough?”, or is that even the question.
Eight breaths for the hard, challenging and mysterious.
- Being around people every day! I am not built for this. A breath for me who needs so much more space than other people seem to.
- This week was not a week for Getting Things Done. This was a week for processing. It was hard for me to let this be the truth of right now. A breath for recognizing that my resistance wants to keep me safe.
- Situation X with the fromagerie. This has gone so beyond the limits of my patience. A breath for the pain of dealing with this.
- Other people not understanding why I am so upset about this. A breath for wanting to be seen and heard.
- There are too many things to work on. A breath for the impossibility of this.
- Getting ready for the Open House was crazy stressful and a huge amount of work just leading up to it, even before the part about “be social for three hours”. A breath for that.
- Identity stuff. Making peace with being The Reluctant Chocolatier. A breath for “we’re over here now”.
- Inhale, exhale. Goodbye, mysteries and hard moments of this week.
Eight breaths of good, reassuring, delight-filled.
- I did not have any anxiety this week, even about the really scary things which are still scary. This week I was calm, centered and steady. A breath for the wind changing.
- Monsieur LeBlanc of the Other Agency decided we need to learn the foxtrot. Like, the actual foxtrot. Not a proxy. This is outrageously fun, and Dancer Me is loving it. A breath of joyful appreciation.
- The Floating Playground (aka the Floop!), my online community — now in its fifth year/incarnation really and truly is the most loving, compassionate, sovereign, playful place ever. I felt that so strongly this week. A breath for companionship and caring.
- Friends. Audrey and I went to the Dance Surge party at Whatsit, which was hilarious, then had dinner with Marisa and Richard. The Open House was like a reunion of people I love who have been to Rally! Julie and Ealasaid and David and Denise! Kyle was there! A breath for having people you love in your life.
- Writing writing writing writing. A breath for writer me being back in a new way.
- The Open House was way less stressful than anticipated, especially given that it was being held by two giant introverts (me and Richard) who would rather do pretty much anything than “be around people and talk to them”. I actually had a good time. And I enjoyed discovering how much I love being able to [make a certain kind of chocolate] for people. As R said, “Well, that could have been more horrible”. High, high praise. A breath for things not being horrible.
- Nights. The nights of this week were very, very good to me. A breath for that.
- Everything is okay. It just is. A breath for trusting.
WHAM BOOM! Operations completed:
The phrase Whoosh Ha Mastodon Boom is secret agent code that means: this thing is done! It is often shortened to wham-boom. You may also shout (or whisper) other joyous words if you like.
Undercover: Sweet Home Alabama Crimson
Mission Cask Be Fed
Operation Apple Love
Milagrotag
Operation Chicken Has Wings
Operation Hail Kaiser Take 3
Mission I Have A Vision
Operation Secret Keys And Codes
Operation Bee on Bee
WHAM BOOM!
Superpowers!
A superpower I had this week…
The superpower of not answering boring questions. And no one being offended or even really noticing that I didn’t answer.
Also the superpower of BOUNCE-BOUNCE!
And a superpower I want next week.
The superpower of feeling ready for anything.
Salve.
The salve of quiet appreciation.
This salve takes care of appreciation in all forms. When you apply it to your skin, you feel appreciative and appreciated. So, for example, you start to notice all the tiny little things that are beautiful, sweet, charming, reassuring, supportive. And other people begin to see and remember all the things they appreciate about you. The right things, the things you want to be seen or are delighted to have people notice. The world begins to reverberate with tiny thank yous.
It is charged up with SIMPLICITY. Appreciation and simplicity. Appreciation broken down into simplicity, made simple.
It might also be a love potion for yourself.
These salves can’t be seen, but the production factory delivers enough for distribution by way of the magic of the internet, so help yourself. There is enough.
Playing live at the meme beach house — the Fake Band of the Week!
Background. Ez and I make up bands. Stu (retired Bolshevik-fearing voice-to-text software) once invented hanging out at the Meme Beach House“. It’s just one guy.
This week’s band is called
A Laundry List of Deception
I think they should pretty much only make music for James Bond films.
And yes. It’s just one guy.
Hallo Hallo! I am saying Hallo Hallo. ANNOUNCEMENT.
You guys you guys you guys!
There is a STANDBY list for Rally (Rally!)
If you have the availability to come at the last minute, we occasionally have deals so get on the list.
The current deal, for Rally B, is a spectacularly great one.
Also if you know people in Portland and you can help spread the word about our Red Rose Ballroom or help do that on facebook, that would be hugely appreciated!
That’s it for me …
Join my Friday ritual in the comments if you feel like it. Or call silent retreat!
We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. And we don’t give advice (unless people specifically ask for it).
Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.
Shabbat shalom.
p.s. It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — join in whenever (or not) and it’s no big deal.
Follow
We get one day per year here in Denver, and tday is it. It’s also much chillier than yesterday, so that is effecting my mood
What worked this week: letting things go and getting rest. nothging much else. the husband and i are still getting over colds.
next week: seriously White Flowers, PM Calyx and Exiting the Day earlier.
what sucked this week:
-sllow progress on things at work. too slow
-continuing distress over SteelGray
-missing my mom sooooo fucking much
-talking shit about my gf’s sex shenanigans. ignoble on my part and Counter to My Mission Statement!!
-youngest kid is really needy lately, and exhibiting very negative bahavior too often
but it was all just regular hard til last nite, when i got back from dinner at my boss’s house, and the husband began throwing drunken shoes at me, the really hard heavy shoes that are all valid insights, flung at me with great velocty and contempt. we pulled it together, but then this morning elder kid comes in with Issue X rhat is 50% hypochrondria, but i recognize the kid needs a mental health and i giver her one. thereby losing my day off, and gainning an impromptu lecture about “not instilling a good work ethic” from the husband.
And then feeling so whoa-fuck-attacked and like my forcefield had just been horribly breached, that my day feels totally hijacked by this horrible mood. I am angry as hell and resentful. it is only just now beginning to shift.
the good:
-nice weather
-elder kid’s grades back on an uptick
-getting many things accomplished at work
-Mabon was wonderful in many ways: lots of altar time, good food, GoldenGreen, seeing folks in a beautiful place, ritual, and really feeling the Wheel turning
-being in a good place with the husband (until yesterday)
-my dad’s going on retreat to Zen Mountain. i am so happy about this.
-journaling, really processing and having fun
-i painted on sunday!
-feeling better able to read energy and know how to trust and follow it
-finding rthe Perfect Adirondack Rocker for me!
Happy friday y’all.
One FOGGY day, I mean.
Can we make “OHMYGOD THIS IS THE WORST” into a thing? Because I think it’s important.
Having a regular potion of “OHMYGOD THIS IS THE WORST” can be a fricking life saver when you’re in a seriously horrible place and everyone around you just doesn’t see it. And you need someone or something to go “OHMYGOD THIS IS THE WORST”.
I may turn it into a potion myself…
I made it to a Check in on time!
The Mysteriously Confusing which sometimes turned into delightful
– The wrong dose and the weeping and then the right dose.
– The bill stress and avoidance and then the bill payment.
– The mail stress and avoidance and then an unexpected check in the mail along with a nice letter from the IRS. So strange and so welcome. And so kind. Even if it was computer generated kindness. Someone had to make up those words.
– The boy thing. But working through it.
Delights or at least the less confusing.
– Filling my (metaphorical) back pack and marching down the path.
– Trying to decide on companions for the journey aka blind online/offline dates. Strange that I put this in the delights column.
– I have everything I need.
Hard:
‘That could have been more horrible’. That was Tuesday! It was not great, but it was not nearly as awful as I had been expecting it to be, and now it is over.
Schroedinger’s cat turns out to be dead. I am sad about that, but at least I know what to do now, and have made arrangements accordingly.
I want to talk to people but I do not know the right words.
I have turned Packing Up The House into Cleaning Up Dodge City. It is still a daunting task that I wish someone else would do, but at least I get to wear a cowboy hat.
Loneliness. Introversion notwithstanding, I am turning out to quite like having someone around the house, and finding it a bit chilly without anyone. But this will not be the case for long, because I will have a housemate again soon.
The suspicion that I’m coming down with something.
Good:
Man-eating menstrual pads! They came up in a Dreamwidth conversation and made me laugh a lot.
I took my novel for a beer (it is being very understanding about my having other things to think about, which surprised me) and we decided to have a secret affair, but then we got hi-jacked by the Nobody Must Know monster, but seem to have come to an agreement. It’s going to be a secret affair that I don’t mind people knowing about.
I bought some beads and made a Frälsarkransen (http://www.rukoushelmet.net/English.htm) and it is lovely and perfect.
Reading back through my journal (this volume begins in March or so) and seeing which things are no longer true and which things are getting better and how I am still alive.
Lunch was very tasty today.
I did a Thing that I’ve been putting off for months (because I had fear that the Keepers Of The Thing would be able to sense my Inexperience and Inferior Knowledge of the Thing, and would Mock Me), and so far they have not mocked me.
This week’s superpower: I know what to eat without having to stress about it. And speedy solutions: I fixed the hem on my trousers before leaving for work, and cycled there, and still got in on time, and then later I found I could solve a problem in five minutes flat and then go home.
Superpower for next week, please: finding rest in the spaces between the things; and packing is fun and playful
Eight Breaths for the Hard:
1) Sick. Then getting better and pushing too hard and getting even sicker. Blah this pattern.
2) Agent R and I are re-negotiating our relationship, and there is some friction.
3) Homesickness for fall and leaves and frost and childhood and other ethereal things.
4) Agent M also being sick but still having to go to work while I can stay home to rest. Guilt.
5) Puppy acting out in public. Embarrassment and other people being condescending while trying to be helpful. Also guilt about “why-isn’t-this-solved-yet?”
6) Miscommunication led to a 3 hr car trip for nothing. And then the same trip 12 hrs later.
7) Brain fog.
8) Bolivia, and all my stuff about it.
Eight Breaths for Good Things:
1) I asked for a perfectly simple solution and it appeared! Whoo!
2) I’m not too sick to write or talk on the phone or solve problems in 5 minutes.
3) A thing that I was initially excited for and then started to dread because of [x] looks like it will dissolve on its own, and not require a response.
4) The car trip allowed us to tour a part of the island we are thinking of relocating to, and we found a montessori school, farmer’s market and unitarian church in the area. Squee!
5) Halfway through my project and still chugging along.
6) Puppy has started cuddling on the bed at night.
7) Appointment is booked, and questions about Bolivia will be answered in the new year.
8) I have a brilliant plan for Toosday.
Happy weekend all! *sparkles*
I am totally hearing the Wackadoodle Backadoodle anagrams in Lucille Bluth’s voice right now and it is EXCELLENT.
Hard:
-Money stuff. Need to metaphor this.
-So many projects. All the overwhelm.
-Coming home from traveling.
-Ugh, article time again?!
-Expectations. And when they’re not met.
-The expensive thing was the broken thing.
-Lack-of-dance-partner
-Binaries
-The monogolith (My friend just invented this word, and it is definitely part of my hard this week.)
-My hair is not blue.
-“So I hear you’re a coach….” “Uh… well, about that.”
Good:
-Coming to terms with fluid identity more
-All the ideas about things I want to write!
-Sources of income starting to materialize
-Seeing what looks like a potential light at the end of the transitional hallway
-Hippie wedding weekend on a farm in NH with all the best people. Exactly what I needed.
-Borrowing a friend’s husband to dance with.
-All The Hugs.
-Reminders that I also have wonderful people here in NY. And how lucky I am to have all the wonderful people in all the places.
-“I like who I am when I’m traveling.” This.
-The Gender Workbook blowing my mind.
-Gypsy vagabond bachelor. A new identity I’m playing with.
-My friend introducing me to people as “This is Sarah. She’s a gypsy.” (although, for the hard, there are worries about this term being a co-opting of other peoples’ identities along with a term that might be an oppression work? Ergh.)
-Finally meeting some awesome people I’ve been hearing things about… and them having heard things about me too!
-Car is inspected and the repair costed “less than one third” of what the dealership wanted to charge me! Yay for awesome friends.
-Snuggles. Any week in which there are lots of snuggles should be recognized and appreciated, imho. Now to make all the weeks like this.
-Board games (which are clearly too rare in my life)
hmmm – “This Sarah. She’s gypsy-ing these days”?
I am enchanted at the thought of the Code Cook stirring up something spicy and simultaneously mind-jumbling and mind-clearing in the Doodle Wok. 🙂
What worked? Respecting my limits: recognizing up front I wasn’t going to have time to see or read or draw everything. Sleeping whenever I felt like it.
Next time? Pack something fleecy. Pack the ear-scraper. Pack tea tree shampoo. Pack fewer books.
Eight breaths for the hard, aggravating and such:
1. Monsters being monster-y about perceived lack of accomplishment/recognition. A breath to ground myself in actual matters.
2. Finding a bug repellent that might work on me is hard enough. Finding one that doesn’t simultaneously repel my partner just complicates things even more. A breath for chemistry.
3. Feeling Dark Liver and Sandstorm about assorted things. A breath for dealing graciously with their thingness.
4. The fear of doing too much research (vs. not getting on with things). A breath for climbing learning curves.
5. The malfunctioning shower head in the hotel room was a trial. A breath for equipment in need of attention.
6. Even with gum-chewing, flight #2 messed up my ears for the better part of a day. A breath for relieving pressure.
7. Finding out belatedly about a death. A breath for cycles and loops.
8. A breath for all the other things unspoken/unwritten.
Eight breaths for the good and pleasing and such:
1. Pleased with the hotel. The shower head has been fixed, the room is clean, the location good, and the meals superb. A breath for comfort.
2. Fun meet-ups with a friend. A breath for connecting.
3. Friend thrilled with the doujinshi I’d brought. A breath for my old things finding their right new owner.
4. So grateful for the pair of boots I ended up wearing all week. A breath for good shoes.
5. Made it up the Grouse Grind! A breath for good health.
6. My last real vacation had been last December. It was good to really get away. A breath for time off.
7. Being in sync with my partner. A breath for laughter.
8. And one more deep, gratitude-filled breath for all the other good and glorious things I had the fortune to witness and sample this week.
Warm wishes to all y’all.
These salves are pure magic, and this week’s salve may be my favorite one yet. Thank you!
What worked: knowing when to say no.
Next time: I will create an extra special safe room when I need it. There will be pillows, and quilts, and music, and spiced chai.
A hard thing: I got triggered, and in response, I almost gave my power away. The good news is, I realized what was happening, and quietly reclaimed it.
A good thing: I was playing guitar and singing, and my teenage daughter came running downstairs to sing with me. This happened twice!
This week’s superpower: entering the scary conversation, and watching it soften.
Next week’s superpower: seeing the possibilities!