I’ve been doing a fair amount of Emptying Out lately. Letting things go. Congruencing!

Last week I deleted fifteen blog posts from the drafts folder, because I realized I was never going to do anything with them.

But I kept one. I wrote this post in July, 2010. So, four and a half years ago.

And I think there’s still something to it. I took out a bunch of unnecessary apologizing (hey, at least I’ve learned something over the years), and edited it down a bit, but this is more or less what me-then wanted to say, and me-now thinks she was on to something.

So here you go, a glimpse into what I was thinking about then…

Options.

When we work with the video game technique, what emerges is that there are always options. More than we think we have.

Except we usually don’t see them.

That’s because we’re so used to the familiar ones. The options we usually choose. We see [DO THE USUAL THING!] or [DO THE THING WE DO WHEN WE RESIST THE USUAL THING!], and that’s it.

We don’t see all the doors in between.

Patterns.

So for example…

We think: Okay, we’re either going to grit our teeth and have the awkward horrible confrontation, or leave the situation and never look back. Or both.

We think we’ll probably put up with it until it drives us crazy, or cut all ties and be done. Or both.

We forget there are gaps and spaces, new and unexpected openings, always another way out.

We forget that there’s room.

The space where we have more choices:

There are endless turning points where we can consciously, actively decide to pick none of the above, and choose a new direction.

And specifically, opportunities to choose a middle way, a new way.

No more fight or flight — instead, something that’s not fight, and also not flight.

Not enduring, and also not running away.

Not ignoring, and also not reacting.

Not succumbing, and also not resisting.

Instead: opening to all the possibilities that lie in between those points, as well as all the possibilities beyond them.

Fun paradox!

So we are for the middle ground practice of “not this and not that”.

And we also want to practice exiting the middle, to get to the advanced practice, which is in many ways a return to being beginner. Confusing?

The middle ground we want here combines the qualities of the beginner’s mind (curious, receptive, compassionate), with the advanced practice (knowing we have the power to play with our patterns).

So to be in this beautiful space of middle — this middle ground of revealing previously undiscovered options and choices — requires a mindset that is not of the middle.

What past-me really wanted to say, in her words:

It is hugely important to remember that these spaces of in-between and possibility exist.

These new places are where we can discover wildly unlikely options that took us out of what we usually do, and into uncharted territory of creativity and hilarity and joy.

Consciously choosing not this and not that led to some seriously amazing things.

Why this is useful:

Every single time we interrupt or challenge a pattern, more options become available. They just appear.

And not just for right now. The next time you run into a wall, you’ll already have internalized both the process and the experience of choosing to do something different from what you usually do.

You’ve created space for trying new things, rewriting a patterns, or even just interrupting it for a second. It all counts.

And when one thing is possible, everything is possible.

Sometimes this is kind of terrifying to think about.

Not only is it just easier to go whooshing down the familiar neural pathways, there’s a certain weird comfort in charted territory even when you can’t stand the territory, the devil you know, etc.

We don’t necessarily even want to know about the other options. I mean, possibility can be liberating, and it can also be paralyzing and terrifying.

This is why I talk so much about the importance of safety and sanctuary when we work on our stuff.

Because there’s no point in making room, adding spaciousness and freedom (Very Interior Design!) without containment, without the perception safety.

There’s no point in discovering choices if we don’t feel safe, if we don’t trust our ability to react to those choices.

So … we make space for possibility. But we also carve out safe spaces to curl up and hide in.

Which is also an option that we might not have even known existed, without remembering the principle of not this and not that.

Play with me.

This is a very thinky concept, so I want to just name some of the qualities of Not This And Not That, to get more into the feeling of it:

Trust. Presence. Ease. Play. Sovereignty. Opening. Glowing. Energy.

You are welcome to bring situations from your life (maybe in proxy form!) and brainstorm reactions or next steps that fall into the category of Not This And Not That.

You are welcome to leave hearts, pebbles, smiles, hugs, superpowers.

You are welcome to share anything that was sparked for you.

The only guideline here is that we don’t give each other advice, or analyze each other or go into caretaking mode. Instead we make room for everyone to have their own experience. We all have our stuff, we’re all working on our stuff, it’s a process. We meet ourselves and each other with as much warmth, permission, love, and spaciousness as we can manage.

Hope this was useful, and I’m glad I was able to share something from four and a half years ago. ♡

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