What if it’s not about giving up on things?
There’s this thing that happens that drives me crazy. Well, it’s a thing that I do.
I can put off making a decision — for what turns into way too long — because I don’t want to have to weigh all the pros and cons.
So then I finally get around to doing the thing or making the change … and it turns out that the compromise I was dreading was a essentially a false compromise. In fact, nonexistent.
A bunch of examples?
1. The compromise of cleaning things.
About two years ago my gentleman friend and I decided that we weren’t going to use chemicals to clean the house anymore. And we weren’t going to support box stores.
Because oof.
We decided to make all of our own cleaning supplies from natural ingredients.
Here is the compromise we thought we were going to be making:
Sure, it might be more expensive and it might be more time-consuming, and it might be harder work … but it would be worth it!
It would be worth it, we figured, for all sorts of reasons. We would be treating our house with love. And our bodies. So … good for the house, good for us and good for the world.
It seemed like a fair trade-off.
Here is what actually happened. There was no trade-off.
More expensive? Hardly. Most of the materials we already have in our kitchen anyway … and how expensive is stuff like baking soda? We’re saving money.
More time-consuming? Hahahaha. Not at all. Just the opposite.
For one thing, we don’t have to go out to the store to get cleaning stuff. And it takes all of two minutes to whip up a batch of simple scrubbing solution.
More work? Oh. My. God. If I had only known — not like I would have believed it — that a mixture of baking soda, dish detergent and vinegar would clean my sink faster and better than all the products I’d been using…
I hardly even know what to say, other than wow, I feel completely foolish. There was no compromise.
There was just the thing that’s way better and the thing that’s way worse. Nothing more.
2. The compromise of being a woman.
Guys, you can skip this if you want.
This was already many years ago. I remember the first time I read the statistics.
Like that women — just in the United States — landfill or incinerate 11.3 billion “disposable” menstrual products each year. That it takes about five hundred years for one of these to partially biodegrade.
And that’s just the tip of the bad-for-you, bad-for-the-planet iceberg.
Shocking, right? Ugh.
So I made what I thought was the fair compromise. I researched little cup thingies and flannel liner thingies.
I figured okay, this might be more expensive. It might be more of a pain. It might screw up my life a little bit and be inconvenient –but at least I won’t be contributing to those ugly numbers.
It seemed like the reasonable thing to do. Like, not being part of that statistic made those other things worth it.
Boy was I ever wrong. Again.
Turns out that it’s cheaper. It’s more comfortable. You don’t have to worry about the possibility of things like chemical-treated rayon threads hanging out in your freaking cervix. Or Toxic Shock Syndrome, tfu tfu tfu. And it’s not even slightly inconvenient.
All you need is a pretty ceramic pot to put on a shelf in your bathroom, and a nice bag to keep in your purse. Not a big deal at all.
Not a big deal because it isn’t even really a compromise.
You’re saving time, you’re saving money, you’re saving your health, and — if not saving the environment, at least inflicting less damage. And that’s it.
Yes, it would be worth even if it sucked — but it doesn’t. No compromise.
3. The compromise of…?
I can think of at least four other examples like this in my life. But I want to figure out what I haven’t thought of.
There are so many decisions I find myself putting off until there’s time to decide.
Whether or not to hire a more regular bookkeeper. Do we really even need our car? Should I outsource x, y or z? Would I feel better if I did yoga twice a day instead of once?
The compromise of investing in yourself: it’s never a compromise.
My experience tells me that when I do the thing I think is right, everything else just kind of falls into place.
The stuff I think is going to be hard… not so hard. The things I think I’m going to have to give up … I didn’t want them anyway. I didn’t even like them. Or they’re not relevant. Or I was just wrong.
So what am I waiting for?
I think a lot of the time I feel this pressure to sit down and really give the new decision an interview. To figure out if it’s right for me or not. To mourn what I think I’m going to lose. And that’s legitimate, obviously.
It’s just that … here’s the thing.
Generally I don’t have time — or I don’t think I have the time, or I wildly exaggerate the amount of time needed — to sit down and just do the whole decision-making processing thing.
So I skip it. I put it off. I wait a little longer.
And then — finally — when I sit down and look at it, I generally know right away that it’s right. There is no need for compromise.
What if there’s only good stuff?
Sometimes it’s not weighing the good stuff versus the bad stuff, but recognizing that there is only good stuff. And that drives me batty, because really, it’s so much easier to slip into the pattern of wondering and delaying.
Every time I invest in myself, my health, my business or my general happiness, it’s turned out to be completely worth it. And it’s also turned out not to have been the sacrifice that I’d imagined it would be.
Good feeds good.
Health feeds health.
A happy home gives back to you, just like a happy body.
Or a happy business.
I don’t know yet what I’m missing out on. Obviously.
But I’m getting geared up to try more new things. Maybe even a lot of new things. At least a few.
And I’m going to see if I can do it WITHOUT automatically assuming that I’m going to have to give something up in order to receive. Because maybe it doesn’t have to work like that.
Follow
First, I should have skipped #2. Ugh.
Second, this reminded me of something I learned in basic training (yeah, I did that). Things were never as bad as I thought they would be. NEVER! I’d get all worried about doing some obstacle course or something, and think about pretending I was sick or something, but when I actually just did it (hello Nike) it never was as bad as I expected. Sometimes it was way better and I ended up with cool things like anecdotes to share in blog comments.
Third. I like balance, so I wanted there to be three points.
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I’m with you on 1 and 2. Baking soda (on it’s own) is the BEST THING EVER for getting grease of stuff in the kitchen. Magic. Cheap. Much less work. NO FUMES. I’d love to know more about the other recipes you use.
But I have also bought a few microfibre cloths (from Norwex, because a friend sells them) and they are also fab. You can clean the bathroom with just water and a cloth. So I wash the tub naked after a shower if it is looking grubby. Saves the time and hassle of thinking “I have to clean the bathroom”.
And the Diva cup. WOW. I had used natural sponges before which are also pretty good. But the cup is great. Now I need to investigate the ceramic pot to keep it in because I don’t have one of those.
But putting bookkeeping in that list… you are probably right. Might be a big important step with maybe no compromise.
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I would love the recipe you use for a cleaning solution.
Yaaay, Havi! Good feels good indeed! The world of goodness really is simpler, safer, easier, happier and generally all-around more wonderful. Unfamiliar, maybe, but wonderful. So much of the hard stuff is hard because it’s out of harmony with the Whole. And often the remedy–for me at least, at this point in my life–is just to turn my face away from the difficult, the ornery, and toward that which is simple, easy, flowing.
Thanks for this great post!
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The incomparable Gretchin Lair (http://www.scarletstarstudios.com/) pointed this out to me when I blogged about something similar…
“I wonder what else in my business and my life seems like more bother than it’s worth to change, but would actually be simple and easy to do?”
>I think you answered your own question! When you discover a beautiful solution, it will make the doing easy.
I *adore* this advice/insight (and Gretchin) and can’t think of anything better to add.
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Good definitely feels good!
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Yes! The cup and liner thingies…ROCK.
Tried them. Loved them. Never looked back.
Lisa (MsFit)
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I wish I could use a Diva Cup! I have a tilted uterus, so they don’t work for me. I even took one to my hippie gynecologist to see what I was doing wrong — it turned out I wasn’t doing anything wrong, my uterus just wasn’t cooperating.
As for the rest of this, what an interesting post! However, I think there are times when things are NOT as easy as they looked (I’m going through one of these times right now :)), so diving head-first isn’t always the best approach, especially if it’s a “no going back” type of deal or something that requires a lot of upfront investment.
But I DO think it’s worth sitting down for five minutes (set an egg timer!) and making a pros and cons list. My mom taught me to do this from a young age, so I’m lucky to be in the habit of it. It always helps me think through my options and gives me perspective.
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Thank you ever so much about the Keeper information. I had no idea something was out there like that! A friend of mine has crazy cycles and she’d been looking for this very contraption. We both made purchases today!
Also, regarding the myth of compromise, I often find myself stuck in the Hard of “but if I… then I’ll have to…” or “if I… then I won’t get to…” or “if I… then they’ll all think…”
And your comment, “To mourn what I think I’m going to lose,” really struck a chord with me. And I realized that more than mourning “the potential”, I should take another look at accepting my choices and the life they create for me, knowing that life is strengthened by making a choice (whether or not it’s the right one).
I realize I’m more afraid of staying where I’ve been than I am of making choices which might be Big and Scary and Hard at first glance, but will put me closer to where my Heart, my Dreams, and my People are.
This week I will consider stopping making up compromises that are based in “coulds” and “what ifs” and making choices based on my love for me.
I, too, made ‘compromises’ #1 and #2 and had much the same reaction you did.
The best ‘compromise’ I made was the one where I started using natural products on my face. I don’t care if a tomato paste mask makes me smell like spaghetti, good god MY SKIN. Same thing with my olive oil/salt treatment.
Or the one where I cut off all my hair (for convenience) only to discover that I’d been wearing the wrong hairstyle since high school. HIGH SCHOOL.
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Awesome. Awesome. Awesome.
I have been noticing this same phenomenon in my life! I’m getting around to making all these cool changes in my life — letting go of toxic habits I’ve had and realizing that it’s not hard at all.
It’s not a compromise. In taking care of ourselves, we’re taking care of our planet and our families and on and on. It becomes infectious.
It’s so great to realize that taking care of ourselves isn’t a sacrifice at all. Boy, does that feel good.
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I thought the cup thing would be weird, but I tried it about 8 months ago and I love it! Who would have thought? Now I feel like everyone is missing out. It’s cheaper, less toxic, and better for the environment. Woo! 🙂
Compromise, huh? I guess it’s easier than we thought.
You never disappoint Havi…I’m with you on the cleaning products…also love essential oils past their therapeutic effectiveness date for cleaning and smelling wonderful.
I also get organic face cream base and shampoo and conditioner and add essential oils…liking neroli at the moment.
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I have not been reading or writing much blog-wise and I’ve missed it. This great post is an example of why I shouldn’t have let myself stop. Thanks, Havi.
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So totally true Havi! I love both my natural cleaners and my womanly ‘compromise’ that wasn’t a compromise because it’s actually so much better! My hubby just walks away whenever I mention it though! LOLOL!
Have you tried ‘compromising’ on skin yet? I started making my own facial cleanser and scrub and they’re fantastic! And did I mention they’re cheap and totally natural???
Now applying this to a business perspective… that’s actually a little harder…
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Havi, thanks for posting these fem product links! Years ago I used to make my own out of retired cotton clothes, and I got out of the habit because of roommates, a crazy schedule, etc. This is a totally useful and wonderful reminder. 🙂
Spot on. Or off, as the case may be…
I learned in my early twenties when faced with tough decisions to absolutely trust the deepest instinct at the core of my being.
The times I did, things slipped into place that changed my life for the better. The times I shut that little voice down, shoved it into oblivion, disasters and cataclysms abounded.
Trust yourself. You will know in your guts when the tumblers slip into place and you discover you’re already heading in the right/best/healthiest direction.
I sometimes consult the I Ching when I’m really stuck. Tunes up my inner ear so I can hear better.
Loving the comments.
Hi Havi!
I love this post. I have many things that I put off until later. I tend to spend all my time weighing the pros and cons, and never actually deciding.
One big one is the major emotional block I’ve been carrying around some years. Mine don’t manifest as worms and nests, but just giant painful emotional black holes. Not fun to deal with. Over the past few days, I’ve been introducing myself to this block and beginning to come to terms with it. I’m tired of putting off this decision, to fulfill my greatest potential.
Anyway, I love this post! There’s never a wrong time to follow your dreams.
~Kimberlee
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@Brandon — I will post all my recipes really soon! I can get kind of… oh, fanatical about this stuff so will try not to go overboard. But yay! So great that there are other people who are into this stuff.
@Justin — hey, sweetie! Glad you’re back. Hope you’re doing okay.
@Kimberlee — good luck with the black holes. That’s great that you are working through things. Wishing you strength and support and comfort and stuff like that.
@Hayden — Yum! Tomato mask! I also put all sorts of “stuff from my kitchen” on my face and really, who cares what it smells like? You are so so right.
@everybody else… so much good and useful food for thought. I’m really enjoying all the comments here and also just got ideas for about five different posts. 🙂
I love my homemade cleaners, but the “womanly compromise” is more about gross-factor to me. I’m a moderate germ freak and a re-useable cup or washable pads (or diapers for that matter) just freaks me out. I probably need to work on that.
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