I never end up doing that thing where people choose a theme for the year.
It makes sense, sure. I see how it can be useful to name an intention or invoke a quality. Kind of like my OOD practice.
But for whatever reason, that word theme — for me! — seems more loaded, somehow. How am I supposed to know the theme before it’s happened?
And then every year at about oh…. maybe mid-December-ish, the themes all become pretty obvious. I recognize them. They find me.
So, fine. This year has been all about that crazy, wonderful, bizarre, ever-changing thing that is trusting my instincts.
Oh, right. The same thing, just in different shapes and forms.
1. Putting my body in charge of the company, and letting it make the executive decisions.
2. Playing more enthusiastically with sovereignty, and getting to know some of the qualities related to sovereignty:
Autonomy. Presence. Curiosity. Permission. Courage. Delight. Experimentation. Trust.
3. The advanced practice of wanting what I want.
(Not having to necessarily do anything related to getting it, just having permission to want it.)
4. Also things like….
Taking joyful responsibility. Setting loving expectations. Running Enthusiastics.
So now I’m in the awkward position of having to practice it.
I have trusted my instincts and they have taken me somewhere. To today. To the place where I get to make a very big decision.
My instincts are all: YES YES YES YES THIS IS THE ENTIRE POINT OF WHAT YOU’VE BEEN DOING ALL YEAR! DO IT! YAY!
And here I am, second-guessing them.
Because of grown-up considerations and because of not yet knowing how.
So I am going to talk to Slightly Future Me who has already been through this, and see what she knows.
And I’m doing it here because I need company.
And we begin.
Me: Hey, version-of-me-who-knows-what’s-good! I could really use some help here.
She: You’re asking me to validate trusting your instincts? Because you don’t trust yourself to trust them?
Me: Okay. You’re right. That is a little problematic. And at the same time, you know my history because we share it. So you know how scary this is for me. Can you help me see what happens as a result of this new way of trusting?
She: You know what will happen.
Me: How could I possibly know what will happen? You’re the one who is there.
She: Come on. Use your whole body. Stay with me. Be fully here. What happens when you say yes to the thing that you have already internally said yes to but are afraid to say out loud?
Everything is quieter.
Me: Everything is quieter. And sturdier. The building hums. Wow. Really? So the building where the Playground lives can take me to the humming castle? Interesting. Anyway, there is a happy buzzing of activity, but it’s all really grounded. There is so much stability. The building IS stability. It’s steady. It radiates this deeply supportive warmth, and it holds things.
She: That is exactly what happens! It’s even cooler than it sounds. What else do you know about what will happen when you trust your instincts and we do this?
Me: The back stairs are important. There is this beating heart there. I have to be where the heart is.
She: Which means?
Me: I’ve been thinking that this is about the money and how to raise the money. But it’s about how to be at the heart. If I commit to that, the financial part comes from that commitment.
Ahahahahaaaaaaa. That is a SERIOUSLY CRAZY thing to say. That is not the kind of thing I can just bring to my accountant, you know? There are grown-ups involved in this. I need to be able to justify things to them!
Stay with the heart.
She: Stay with me, sweetie. We’ll figure that part out too. What happens when you and the heart of the building are playing together in joyful collaboration?
Me: Oh, wow. Joyful collaboration is such an unlikely and perfect phrase. That is exactly what it feels like. We’re working together and that connection generates all sorts of astonishing things.
I thought that the Playground Cooperative was the next piece, with the Floating Playground as its counterpart. But all this is really just the first piece.
Everything I have been doing for the last seven years has prepared me to be the person who can go into the heart of this and be at the wheel.
She: Exactly.
Now?
Me: Now can we talk about how to deal with the grown-ups who want numbers and projections and stuff?
She: You’re the pirate queen. You steer. You know. You hold the map and you remember the stars. You get to set the course and you get to set the expectations for discussing that course.
Me: Soooo…..?
She: Convene an Enthusiastic. Trust your instincts. Rinse. Repeat.
Me: Rinse-Repeat? That doesn’t sound like you.
She: No. Literally. Rinse and repeat. Your instincts always know that the answer is found in immersion in water and warmth. So do it.
Me: Do it?
She: Bath. Shower. Pool. Use the water.
What’s next?
Me: Got it. Water. Instincts. Enthuse. Is there a theme for next year or do I have to discover that at the end too?
She: It would spoil all the fun of discovery if I gave it to you now. Anyway, all themes are cousins. But the point is: you have just spent a year learning how to do this so that you can do the thing you are about to do. All of this blah-blah-practical-blah is taking you away from what you know. It’s not your practical knowing. Your practical knowing says that there are countless ways to make it work, and you will choose the one that is right for you. And if it isn’t fun, you’ll choose the next one.
Me: Right. Why do I keep forgetting that?
She: Because there is an entire world out there of people who cannot see the things you see. They need you to trust your instincts so that all those sheets of ice can be broken.
Me: I don’t see the sheets of ice…
She: Don’t worry about it. Take care of yourself and give yourself what you need.
Me: What’s next?
This is next.
I’m going back to the practice.
I don’t have to know what’s next.
I just need to keep learning about what keeps me safe. About what I want and need. To get better at navigating these internal worlds by paying attention. And of course, as soon as this stops being PLAY and becomes work, I have to pause (paws!) and re-enter.
Play with me. And the commenting blanket fort.
We all have our stuff. We’re all working on our stuff.
We make room for people to have their own experience, and we make this a safe place for that by not giving each other unsolicited advice.
What is welcome: Excited murmuring for the new adventure that I am apparently embarking on. Happy hopeful hand-on-heart sighs. Alliteration!
If you’d like to identify themes that have come up for you in the past year, that’s welcome too.
I am blowing a kiss to all the commenter mice, the Beloved Lurkers and everyone who reads.
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Happy hand-on-heart sigh.
This line really spoke to me: “Your practical knowing says that there are countless ways to make it work, and you will choose the one that is right for you. And if it isn’t fun, you’ll choose the next one.”
{murmuration murmuration enthusiastic subtle murmuration}
I am so very curious to know what this might be (curious mouse!) but mainly I’m excited about it no matter what. I just want to say I have a deep well of contented enthusiasm positively beaming in your direction! Whatever this is has so many interesting qualities: exploration, newness, trust, congruence. It is a very, very cool thing to witness. I have a lot of love for the pirate ship and how it navigates. It gives me more trust for my own processes and navigations, I think. Witnessing the sovereign culture to understand it more in my own body/world. <3 <3 <3 <3
Happy giggly murmurs full of support and faith. And whispers of excitement and adventure.
Murmur-hum-murmur-sigh… Secret giant grins.
My theme for the year was home. Having it, losing it, creating it. I want there to be other themes, other coherent ways of talking about this last year, which has been a hum-dinger, but home is the only part that makes any sense.
So home it is.
Murmur murmur murmur… sigh!
Thank you for this. It reminds me to listen to myself and gives me hope that even strange-seeming things work out best with trust.
rhubarb rhubarb rhubarb rhubarb (because this is what my creative writing prof said that stage people used to say to make crowd sounds) 🙂
Hiro heart-sighs! “joyful collaboration”!
This year’s theme was The Joy of Flailing! Because I began to Flail and ll kinds of delicious adventures opened up. Because Flailing needed Sovereignty, and there was a lot of learning about and playing with Sovereignty. And Sovereignty is a big part of my Big Yummy Seekrit Mission. And Sovereignty needed kitty-cat ears, so now i have the Kitty-Cat Ears of Sovereignty. And when I wear them, I really do feel much more Sovereign.
And there was also curious and play and exploration. And being open to new things, and not being so ruled by fear. And there were health challenges that were scary but it was ultimately okay. So I got to practice Faith and Advanced Ninja-Self-Care. And returning to the joys of Blessful Synchronicities and Creativity and embarking on a whole lots of “things could be better so why nt make them so?”
This post was purrrrrrrfect and spurrrrred my own blog post! Which answered the Persistently Nagging Question as of late! Mhahahahaha.
From me, you get a small squeal while throwing a butt monsters in the air because I’m not very good at happy murmuring, I simply *must* produce sound and throw something. lovingly, of course!
*goes off and dances*
“You’re asking me to validate trusting your instincts? Because you don’t trust yourself to trust them?”
I totally know that feeling, not trusting yourself to trust yourself. Arguing with intuition.
Also, a happy hopeful hand-on-heart sigh!
This year’s theme for me was pilgrimage. Life as pilgrimage, what it means to be on pilgrimage, how one feels and thinks and acts on pilgrimage.
Instinct trusting is a hard one for me, too. Happy hopeful hand-on-heart sigh for you. I’m super excited to see what adventures this takes you on this year! 🙂
My themes from this past year are health and happiness. Thinking I don’t have it, realizing that I do (cheesy, but it’s true), exploring ways to be healthy and/or happy, and trying to bring more health and happiness into my daily life were some biggies from this past year.
*happy and excitedly hopeful hand-on-heart sigh*
An interesting word came to mind when I read your question about identifying themes that have come up for us this past year. I think I’ll go into silent retreat, though, and won’t share it, but I wanted to thank you for getting it to come up. 🙂
I’m murmuring excitedly over here. And picturing a harmoniously humming building. In my picture, it also has this luminous glow that’s quite delightful. Mmm.
excited and enthusiastic murmur!
my 2011 theme: sturdiness. wow. didn’t know that.
oh, encouragement and excited little clappings for new adventures! Its become apparent to me in the last two weeks that its time for everything to change, and I have a notion the last year was building up to that. So, that’s like theme, right?
tip-top terrific tantalizing tidbits! your grand adventure is spreading sparkles in eyes, and inspiring twinkling of toes! So exiting.
And many thanks for sharing this part of your process. So helpful to me right now.
Also, in line with the Theme theme, you might like to know that the UN has declared 2012 the international year of cooperatives! Yay for the Playground Cooperative and all the other exciting whispers around here!
xo
Murmur murmur murmur. Which makes me think of:
Murmuration of starlings and exaltation of larks. (I love collective nouns!)
Sending/wishing for you exaltation too.
This year has been one of Change (and Hope!) Nothing to do with the political slogan. Big changes, many unsought, that brought new perspectives and possibilities and, therefore, hope.
For next year, I want the theme to be Ease. I’m setting things up for it, planting little gifts and surprises and gwishes to make it true.
Excitement for what you’re doing. Thanks for what you’ve done.
Hand on heart sigh. Felicidades, Havi! Your excitement is contagious, and I wish you the best of the best w/this new mysterious thing!!!
Trust, trusting instincts, I’ve been working on this and working on this, I see progress for myself, it is slow but it is there!… I love this question you posed, “What happens when you say yes to the thing that you have already internally said yes to but are afraid to say out loud?” Thank you. Oh, thank you so much. I am writing it down.
2 asides:
#1 For the first time someone commented on a post of mine, and I do not want to approve it because it has a connotation I don’t like…a connotation that I found, well, unkind to someone I love and humankind, and I guess clashes with the qualities, culture of what I’m going for in my business. It makes me sad, it was unexpected, I was surprised… Alas, I have not approved it (sovereignty – heee 🙂 and am still trying to make some sense of it. Anyway, I thought of you and how you specifically detail certain expectationy guides for comments here, and I see that perhaps I want to follow form and do something similar, it is simmering. Thank you for modeling this.
#2 I can’t believe it – my best friend has an UN-BUTT Monster. I was at her place, looked at her bed and saw it resting between her pillows. Surprised me,”Hey where did YOU get that butt monster?!” Her, “Excuse me?! What did you just say” Me, repeated what I said. Her, “this is a sock monster that so and so’s daughter made for me.” Me, “Ok, but look at it’s butt..” OMG, it had nooooo butt. Nope, no seam there. An Unbutt Moster. Wow. Still funny to rub its unbutt.
xo
Deep sighing and humming with you 🙂
Huh. It didn’t post the actual comment part of my comment. Let’s try this again.
Happy, excited, anticipatory murmuring…
Hi Havi.
You’re great.
xo
Whee!! I’m giggling with happiness, and hmmmm-ing, and watching floating Playground-orange sparks in the shape of YES’s for your new adventure, Havi!
2011, the year of taking good care of myself & being present, even with the hard. Lots of gifts, truly.
“I’ve been thinking that this is about the money and how to raise the money. But it’s about how to be at the heart. If I commit to that, the financial part comes from that commitment.”
Extra one hand on heart sigh.
Happy Hopeful hand on heart sigh and kisses blown your way.
xox
Keep playing …. keep listening …… keep following your instincts…..and thank you for reminding me to do the same……
A building full of Playgroundified buzzing, humming activities and things? I’ve had that dream. Mine will have coffee and green smoothies and cake. Yoga and healing upstairs. Bookshop/giftshop/cafe down below. Book groups and craft groups and Transition Town meetings in the community space. Rallying regularly to keep everyone moving forward. Central admin services so the yoga teachers can teach awesome yoga instead of doing bookwork badly. Etc.
One day.
Blessings on your dreams Havi.
Oh, excited sighs for you! Excited sighs for your embarking-ment… and for all that is connected to it…
Excited sighs is such a nice idea… i like the in-and-out-ness of that!
My 2011 theme: trusting that i can take care of myself… trusting going in… and trusting that i can come out again…
…murmurmurmurmurmur… *excited sparkles*
I think my theme for 2011 has been, “Huh?!”
Theme for 2012?
Extreme self care.
Extreme not as in sky diving extreme but as in all-encompassing, thorough, seeing how far I can take it.
And seeing what comes up along the way, and having conversations with that.
This post just resonated with me now.
“How am I supposed to know the theme before it’s happened?” Yes.
“What happens when you say yes to the thing that you have already internally said yes to but are afraid to say out loud? Everything is quieter.” Yes.
“I’ve been thinking that this is about the money and how to raise the money. But it’s about how to be at the heart. If I commit to that, the financial part comes from that commitment.
Ahahahahaaaaaaa. That is a SERIOUSLY CRAZY thing to say. That is not the kind of thing I can just bring to my accountant, you know? There are grown-ups involved in this. I need to be able to justify things to them!”
YES.
Thank you for this. This is exactly what I needed now. I have realized that January should be a month of entering and exiting for me. The culturally accepted new year starts in January, but my birthday is in February, so that is when my personal new year starts. So I am now choosing to make January a month of transition. And I am so excited about this! 🙂