Personal ads. They’re … personal! Very.
My weekly practice: writing these Visions of Possibility and Anticipation to get clear on what I want, even when saying it is uncomfortable.
I invariably discover useful things about my relationship with both a) what I want, and b) wanting. Join in if you like….
The theme of this week is Something To Do With….
My wants are emerging from feeling and instinct, but I’m not sure where they’re going yet. So I’m reminding myself that this is okay. They will take shape or they won’t.
Either way, I’m collecting clues. So if all I have is “something to do with”, let’s start with that and see where it goes.
Something to do with Spaciousness.
I noticed when we were getting ready for the Sail of Yard how much fun it is to wonder around my home, just adoring it.
Noticing various small and large changes that whisper to me. This desire for change comes from love and sweetness. Creativity that emerges from spaciousness. I am receptive to new possibilities because a) I don’t have an agenda and b) I am not in a hurry.
And then whooosh, ideas. Suddenly I want that wall to be yellow. Or I know where the desk needs to go.
Normally there’s too much on my mind/plate/list. I don’t leisurely explore my space, just listening.
Agent White, who gets Actual Summer Vacation (see last week’s wish!), has been doing nothing but changing up his space, and you can just see how everything in his life glows with serenity and congruence. It’s the time and space to both have the ideas and act on them.
I want some of that. Not the space-changing, though I want that too. It’s more about OPENINGS.
I want SPACE. I want space in the sense of physical space and space in the sense of time. And I want to use this space / these spaces to do quietly pleasurable things and see what happens.
To take a bus line and see where it goes. To wander in search of a just-right sandwich. To write and write and write. Space.
Something to do with Contests.
Not so much contests as that thing about Crossing Off All The Boxes and Then There Is A Prize.
And no one can add any more boxes! Once you are done, that is it!
It isn’t a board game, but maybe it is like a board game. This is so elusive! Do I have an example?
At [Whatsit], they do this thing where you and a partner come to class X times within Y dates, and then you both get a prize. The prize is usually nothing much, but checking off the boxes is delicious.
It just feels good. To the point that even when you don’t want to be there you think, “Hey, another box!” I’m not sure why this is cheering. It just is.
I want to apply this to the Three Gigantic Operations that Agent Mueller and I are working on as part of the larger op of Save Our Ship.
What if we did something like this and there was an end date and there were boxes to tick?
And the prize was something good, like [a certain thing related to Vicarage]?
And what if the sheet with the boxes lived on a board in the Secret Space? Just like in Life.
Something to do with organizing by identity instead of by type.
I am feeling a very strong desire to re-order the Vault.
The Vault is the Identity Vault. Most people would think of it as a closet or a place that holds clothing.
I originally wrote “hides clothing”, which is super interesting…
Right now it is organized by type. The categories are either type of clothing (shorts!) or use (studio!). Types go together. Jeans go here. This is where dresses go. Roller derby shirts are here. Clothes for yoga/working-out go there. Like that.
I’m thinking now of organizing by identity. An aspect of me who wants to express herself.
Please note that there is a difference between multiple personalities and multiple personality disorder. There is no disorder here. Other than in my closet, which is a total mess.
Hahahaha I am the comedienne of things that are not funny.
This is a playful, conscious, delight-filled experimentation in expressing aspects of who I am.
So. Not every character in the pantheon of selves needs separate closet space.
Ms. Bell and The Director pretty much wear all the same things. It doesn’t look the same on them, but their taste is nearly identical.
Malibu Barbie and Bratty Smooches have very different personalities, but they both like cropped tops and bright colors, and they’re always going to reach for that tiny hot pink miniskirt. Lady Bond is going to take anything Bond Girl wears and add jewelry. The Dancer takes from everything.
Anyway, what if the Vault was divided into persona rather than type of clothing? No more going through “pants” to see what Ms. Bell wants. She is not going to want bright orange corduroy skinny jeans or fluorescent magenta leggings. Something about identity….
Themes and qualities inside of the wants?
Spaciousness. Reconfiguring. Trust. Truth (as in: being true to myself, following instinct). Plenty. Possibility. Play. Receptivity.
And the superpower or sankalpa of I Follow The Instinctive Pull of My Deepest Desires And See Where It Takes Me.
What might help?
Like last time, the OODs.
Playing with yoga nidra. Writing it out. Asking more questions. Being curious.
What else might help?
Just start.
Make a board game, and change it later. Reconfigure the Vault, and change it later. Play. Play!
Do it to music.
I’m playing with…
The idea that I don’t have to have all the information. “Something to do with X” is enough to begin exploring. I can get results (!) without having figured it all out.
What I want.
Some of these are secret agent code and some are taking a silent retreat on.
Some are qualities and some are dreams. Some are re-asks and some are pre-wishes: tiny seeds for future processing.
- A necklace for the key.
- A secret compartment for ear plugs!
- Joyful sleep for Havi Bell.
- There are steps and I am taking them, and this feels good.
- Trust, trust and more trust.
- I remember to play.
- This is where I live.
- The HAT is decorated!
Repeat-wishes
- I rest into miracles, and then THERE THEY ARE.
- I actively choose quiet.
- Left-handed labyrinth.
- Perfect simple solutions, suddenly visible!
- Sound effects for my internal video game.
- Going to the 9&9, even when it isn’t nine or nine.
- Ahahaha I am an accidental genius! SOLVED.
- What do I need? What do I want?
- Sweet blissful steadiness.
- Things that need to exit now exit gracefully.
- Things that need to come in now are received with love.
- Just child’s pose.
- I’m glad it’s happening like this, actually.
The qualities inside of the wants:
Pleasure. Presence. Steadiness. Release. Welcoming. Undoing. Precision. Laughter.
And the superpower of It’s All Falling Into Place.
I ask for this one every week, but not bored of it yet: I see the secret holiness of everything.
Ways this could work.
It just could.
I’m playing with…
Bounce bounce bounce! Taking it to the rose garden.
Progress report on past Very Personal Ads.
Okay, last week, aka there is definitely room in the pot.
Last week I wanted so many things and had to just throw them all into the pot.
I had a realization about why Monday Beach Day is not happening, and it has to do with San Diego.
Knowing that I want Summers Off (because I am a teacher too, dammit) has changed how I make decisions about everything! So even though I don’t know how to make it happen yet, having it as a beacon is turning out to be hugely helpful.
I wanted to celebrate Five Whole Years of the Friday Chicken, and I did a bunch of writing about it, which I might share here or maybe not. But it felt really important to process.
Then I wanted to be at the Monkey as much as possible, and I was there every day. And I wanted to breathe Sustenance and Possibility, and be a bell. And: YES. This happened all week.
Thank you, last-week me! And thank you, everyone who reads for making this a strong container for discovery, experimentation, play and change. The more I work on my stuff, the more I realize how powerful it is to have community. Lots of love to you guys for being here to play with.
Playing. Shelter for the comments.
What’s welcome: Your own wishes, gwishes, visions and personal ads, small or large. Updates on past ones if you like. Things sparked for your own process.
I’m receptive to warm wishes for the things I’m working on and playing with.
We ask for what we need, and we give each other space and spaciousness for the process.
This is a place of safety for creative play and exploration, with a very non-dogmatic approach. We don’t tell each other how to ask for things and we don’t give unsolicited advice. We play.
That’s it. Let’s throw a bunch of things in the pot!
As always, amnesty applies. Leave a wish here any time you want.
xox
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Hello sweet Havi-la! Sending love and wishes for All Good Things your way.
My Something To Do With is about walking barefoot.
For some reason my mother did not want us walking barefoot in the house. Something about stubbing our toes on furniture. What?! And then when I was on my own there was always the cat’s litter box in averyinconvenientplace.Trekking through scattered cat litter, not my idea of delight.
I realized last week that I am long on my own, the cat’s box is tucked away and well tended, AND the floor of my casita is covered in glorious, silken, cool to the touch traditional “Saltillo” tile just begging for my bare feet to walk (and dance) on them.
Something to do with walking barefoot is about what called me to Santa Fe, NM two years ago. About the person I would become in place tended by Native Americans and infused with artists. About the woman living in an earth-adobe house. About the soul that grounds and reaches, walking barefoot.
xoxoxo Mahala
Mahala! I love that wish. I also have a Something To Do with walking barefoot. And I love Santa Fe. And while I was allowed to walk barefoot (indoors only, of course, because: jews), I was not allowed to wear flip flops. And now flip flops and bare feet are two special things for me. Yay. Anyway, your wish is inspiring to me and “relevant to my interests”, as they say. <3
I am LOVING some of your repeat wishes, especially ’ I rest into miracles, and then THERE THEY ARE.’ and ’I see the secret holiness of everything.’ OMG ADOPT!
My big VPA for this week is for my latest internet de-addiction strategy to work. (Strategy: List actual useful things I want to do on the internet and *put them off for a day* if possible. If I’m craving to do something, put it on the list for tomorrow and see if it still seems so important then. Also, if waiting for an important email, set up phone to go bing when it arrives (avoiding constant checking.)) I read a bunch of stuff on dopamine and the net result is that I’m trying to let go of internet addiction AND emotional eating AND [silent retreat] all at the same time. And my monsters are screaming that this is stupid, but it feels right, dammit. Gwishing for the self-compassion and openness I need to allow this to happen nonviolently.
Also for the shift in my relationship with caring and healing to continue. Looking for the places where I’mbeing a hurt-comfort top and gwishing for a shift to genuine compassion and holding space for healing, rooted in absolute recognition of the other person’s strength, power, and inherent wholeness.
I am LOVING some of your repeat wishes, especially ’ I rest into miracles, and then THERE THEY ARE.’ and ’I see the secret holiness of everything.’ OMG ADOPT!
My big VPA for this week is for my latest internet de-addiction strategy to work. (Strategy: List actual useful things I want to do on the internet and *put them off for a day* if possible. If I’m craving to do something, put it on the list for tomorrow and see if it still seems so important then. Also, if waiting for an important email, set up phone to go bing when it arrives (avoiding constant checking.)) I read a bunch of stuff on dopamine and the net result is that I’m trying to let go of internet addiction AND emotional eating AND [silent retreat] all at the same time. And my monsters are screaming that this is stupid, but it feels right, dammit. Gwishing for the self-compassion and openness I need to allow this to happen nonviolently.
Also for the shift in my relationship with caring and healing to continue. Looking for the places where I’mbeing a hurt-comfort top and gwishing for a shift to genuine compassion and holding space for healing, rooted in absolute recognition of the other person’s strength, power, and inherent wholeness.
Okay, whoa… what I want for this week first, and then updates from last week, which are mind-boggling.
-Something else about Sovereignty and Magic (proxy)
-Operation G.O.O.D. to be easy
-Letting the ripples ripple from this most recent realization
-More processing! It feels so good. And more entry and exit. More setting up of the things! And noticing the doors!
-Operation A.S.K. – what would be fun to ask for?
-Support in exactly the right ways.
-The superpower of the time turner so I can see all the people and do all the things before I leave… or at least the superpower of remembering Right Timing and trusting intuition.
-More connections! More snuggles! More delightful surprises!
And last week! OH LAST WEEK!
Agent Ditey started opening the tap on both Sovereignty and Magic, and would you believe, they both started flowing. Flow, flow, flow.
I asked for more processing, and there has been so much. And it’s like scratching an itch. Remembering how important this work is.
Clarity on the weekend. I followed the intuition and all the right things happened. And the things that feel like they got messed up… that’s distortion.
Cuddles! Happened! And a cuddle date but not the one I was going to plan.
And water. There were pools twice and the ocean once. I’m throwing this one back in the pot. More water! Being in water makes everything else flow better. (Oh. Yes. I just realized all the ways this makes sense.)
Thank you Havi for bringing both your wisdom and your vulnerability here to offer us all hope. Your Super Powers are often exactly what I need each week! And yay, today, I found myself fixing desperately broken gearstick with gaffer tape and laughing, “Hahaha, I am an accidental genius, SOLVED!”
keep doing what you you do, xx
Something about…. More Of The Same: MOTS.
That’s the French word for “words”! Yes, I need more words as part of having more of the same *good* things I had going on last week.
Something about…. the superpower of using what I know. Learning things from processing, and then being able to use it.
Something about… doing it in community.
Ahahaha I am an accidental genius! SOLVED.
This is one of my favorite things ever. I think of it every time I laugh, and every time the perfect simple solution occurs, or falls into my brain, or someone suggests it.
My ask for this week is that the possibility to which I am opening my belief is somehow accidentally geniusly solved. SOLVED! AHAHAHA!
Yeah, it’s been that kind of day.
Update on past asks:
* delinquent client still delinquent, but another client paid early
* still feeling the effects of compounded sleep debt, but today’s disco nap definitely helped
* shipped one set of presents today
What I want:
* something to do with resets and recess. Such as: unsticking buttons. more yoga and swimming.
Themes and qualities:
shaking off debris. sliding free of goo. receiving and giving respect.
What might help?
Asking, why am I saving [x] when there’s no quiz? That is, getting down with Past Me on why she insists I need [x] for the desert island when I haven’t been on the desert island, I’m unlikely to end up on the desert island, and I wouldn’t be taking [x] with me if something happened to the house I am way more likely to spend my spare time working on than communing with [x].
What else?
*The clews, they are everywhere.
*Resume using the basil toner.
I’m playing with: a lighter purse. Sprezzatura potion.
Warm wishes and abundance to all y’all.
Hello Havi! My efforts are directed at finding a Space at the moment too: the Find My Safe House Action Plan. I wish you particularly happy dreams. I love, love, love your idea for arranging your closet! One of my biggest stucknesses is putting clean clothes away. Currently my wardrobe is divided into “work”, “weekend”, “ugh” and “stuff that I can’t jam in anywhere”. No wonder I don’t have much motivation to spend any time with it! I think your technique could help me. I would love to hear how it turns out, if you feel like posting about it. Now onto the VPA proper…
….. Last Week’s Achievement of the Week:
* I let go, accepted my situation and even, heck, had fun! And I even discovered a latent balloon-arranging talent. Who knew?
* Aaaaand…. last week was the first week that I completed all of the things in the ‘Ways I Could Make It Happen’ section of my VPA! I don’t see the items as something I _have_ to do, but more like: if I do them all, then it means I was getting to the heart of what I really wanted/needed for that week. It validates that I’m getting more in touch with myself, and that the VPAs are a Good Thing for me to do.
…..What I Want For This Week:
* To not know with calm and grace. To find out with acceptance. To trust that what is meant to be will be, and vice versa.
* It seems I need to go back to Square One *again* on the taking-care-of-myself front; so be it.
* [Added at the last minute: to accept that I’m a flawed yet still beautiful human being who makes mistakes but is trying really hard, not … urgh, what the Goblins keep telling me.]
…..Ways I Could Make It Happen:
* Sleep. Drink water. Breathe. Drink my TCM tea.
* Remember all the things that calm me down. Perhaps write a list? * Live in my egg.
* Consult with Aumy, who is wise and sage and knows how this week turned out.
* Keep working on my craft projects. Hush the goblin that says they’re childish and irrelevant. They’re Fractal Flowers, and so they’re supremely relevant. It’s important that life goes on while you’re waiting for faceless suits to make life-changing decisions for you in the background. Plus the projects are kinda due soon.
* Draw up a calendar of the next month so that I don’t forget anything, and I have a timeline of when the gift-crafts need to be finished.
* [In fact, write everything down. If it’s gotta be everything, it’s gotta be everything. It’s a very stressful time, it’s normal to forget things. Shush, Goblins!]
…..Other Considerations: / Helpers I’ll Call On:
* The Husbandy One, cos we’re in this together.
* All the people who keep constantly reminding me that this is fun, and exciting, and one of the most important decisions in your life, and therefore fun and exciting. They really mean well.
…..Superpower I’ll Use:
* The permanent superpower of the Pet Rock. Calm, solid, dependable, grounded, home wherever he is placed.
* I don’t think I need more than that this week. Sometimes/usually, simple is best.
Happy VPAs to everyone!
Havi! Happy to be “relevant to your interests.” Please accept my sincere invitation to come barefoot walk in Santa Fe any time. Seriously! Or not seriously as we’d have so much fun and rest and space and sky and turquoise.
“because: jews” I had no idea. I was permitted flip flops but no bare feet indoors or out.
Also. PLEASE write a book with that title. It would explain so much to so many!
DO come to Santa Fe.
Xxxooo
o
I want…
…something to do with safe passage.
…something to do with lightheartedness.
…something to do with deepening.
Above all, I want to believe.
<3
LOVE reading everybody’s lists. I especially adore organising the closet by Identity, my gawds that’s freaking brilliant.
LAst time I began Op TTT, which is a huge part of a larger Op on desire and engagement. I committed to doing soemthing everyday to making it happen. I have so far:
-continued with weights and other movement daily (clsoe to daily)
-invested in a pair of character shoes
-am about to sign up for a class series in [X].
On othr fronts:
-more aligning in the Fractal Gardens
-more attention to the Movement part, whther it’s weights, dance , the Flail or yoga
Into the Pot!
-oh the pain of [Silent Retreat]. This is a thing that needs calm, cool, compassion and gentleness. I feel so bad about this, lots of shame and regret. Please, I need a Soothing Balm that can carry us forward
-Back to the Routine. 4 weeks til school starts up and we need to start “congruencing” those best practices.
-ShipShape. There is so much clutter and chaos, need to organize
-the SuperPOwer of knowing what needs to happen next
-and just some good old enjoying the rest of the summer dammit, because: it’s Summer.