Personal ads. They’re … personal! Very.
At the very least, useful noticings about my relationship with wanting. It all counts.
♡
What do I want?
My wish this week has to do with obsessing, except that isn’t quite the right word.
Let me see if I can describe this…
It has to do with the feelings that show up while I am wildly throwing myself into something I am passionate about.
The tingly excitement, the thrill of the challenge, the seeming impossibility of it all, the world to explore, the disorienting but somehow pleasurable brain sensation of everything-is-rearranging.
What does this remind me of?
When I was teaching myself German ten years ago, while living in Tel Aviv. Which does not sound like a great place to learn German, but actually it was. Though I think I could have learned German anywhere, that’s how intense my [obsession-like word] was.
It took over my entire life in this way that was intensely, deeply pleasurable for me.
Actually, all the examples I can think of for this [obsession, but in a good way] have to do with learning something or acquiring a new skill.
What do I want?
Okay, well I think I want a new word for “obsession”.
Checking the thesaurus. I don’t like any of the dangerous, scary words. I like besotted though.
That kind of explains how I get. I fall madly in love with the new thing, and just pour myself into the experience of being involved with it.
I haven’t had this kind of love-affair-with-learning in a long time, and I miss it.
And now it is starting to happen with dance, and a little bit with ASL, and I just want to immerse myself in delicious learning, in this way that is luscious, wild and yes, kind of obsessive.
What do I want?
Haha. This has to do with last week’s wish, about time.
Besotted-hungry-immersion learning, like being in love, is not something you schedule to happen on Mondays and Wednesdays for two hours.
It is not something that cares about the rest of your life.
While I was learning German, I was working two jobs. It didn’t matter that I didn’t have time for German. German didn’t care about that.
I would wake up early and write ten words on a slip of paper and put it in my pocket. And every moment I could I would peek at my sheet.
I’d build sentences in the shower, read my dog-eared copy of Brigitte on the bus, conjugate in my sleep. I didn’t have money for classes, and it didn’t matter. I learned German with a library card and a hell of a lot of determination.
So has to do with time, and also it has nothing to do with time.
What do I want?
Jon, the person who understands this obsession the best, told me that he spent thirty hours a week dancing when he first got the bug.
I have this story that I tell myself about how this is impossible. I run this business. I am the proprietress of a ballroom, which is a ridiculous amount of work right now. I have Rally. I have the Floop, my online community that I run.
Not to mention the related monster stories of Come Now You Are No Spring Chicken, and how practically-thirty-seven-which-is-practically-forty is no time to launch yourself into an intense physical training like this, what are you thinking.
Yes, there are some monsters in here. And they, like all monsters, want to make sure I don’t fall on my face, wear myself out, or subject myself to pain, loss, humiliation and doom.
I want thirty hours.
But really, I want the feeling of thirty hours. The hum-hum-hum of wanting. The secret tap-tap of feet. The rhythm in my head, the music waiting for me.
I want to give myself permission to throw myself into this, and see where it leads me.
Where it leads me. Dancer joke!
If I can swing it. The puns. They do not end.
What would help?
A schedule. I already have a document called Let’s Go Dancing, which sets out what is happening where.
But I think it needs to be expanded.
And then I need to peek in the morning and figure out when I get to have yoga, and when I might be able to dance, and how long it will take me to get there, and how I’m going to practice if I’m doing it on my own.
And I need a name for this mission.
And I need to remember the fractal flowers, so that I can trust that dance is helping me work…
What are the qualities of my wish?
The qualities of:
Permission. Playfulness. Readiness. Joy. Desire. Passion. Receptivity. Immersion.
What do I know about the op?
It requires planning and commitment, and it also does not at all require planning or commitment.
Planning, because otherwise it will get lost. And no planning, because infatuation doesn’t work like that.
A commitment to turning it up to eleven. And no commitment, because sometimes it’s pretty hard to forget that you are obsessively passionate about this thing that keeps sneaking into your thoughts and dreams.
What else?
It takes over my life because I let it. Because I welcome this.
And then everything in my life is better because of it.
I am calling this Operation PINK PANT for now. Partly because it reminds me of the pink panther, partly because I will wear pink pants, partly because pink and pant are very fun words.
Does this stand for anything?
{Pleasure Intuition Newness Keys Plenty Access Nuance Treasure}
How am I going to play with this?
I am going to wear pink, for one thing.
And I am going to dance. With abandon!
And I will interview Dancer Me about what needs to happen next. I have a feeling she’s been waiting for this. Waiting for me to admit that I’m in love, that I’m kind of obsessed, that I can’t not do this anymore.
Anything else?
This, like all my recent wishes, is perfect for a spy.
Bond Girl is obviously a highly accomplished dancer.
And since dance is not just dance but also a metaphor, I can learn about things I need to learn about in my non-dance life.
I am going to apply dance. Core. Grace. Receptivity. Presence. Mirroring. Musicality. Timing. Trust. Things like that.
And I’m going to let myself approach things with wild, unbridled readiness. I’m going to remember that there is a me who knows how to do this. There is even a me who knows why I need this so much, and maybe she will tell me.
What else do I want?
Seeds planted without explanation, a mix of secret agent code and silent retreat dreams. Things I’m working on, or might be, someday…
- The Salve of Salves.
- Announcements.
- Everything is getting easier.
- Miracles everywhere.
- Regular dancing gigs at the ballroom, which is also the Spiegelsaal.
- This doesn’t require my input!
- Ha, it’s so perfect that it turned out like this.
- Past me is a GENIUS.
- I have what I need, and I appreciate it.
- There is money for this.
- I can see why this moment is good.
- Trust and steadiness.
- Hawaii.
- I am fearless and confident, and I do the brave things and give myself sparklepoints, and it is not even a big deal that I did the brave things but I still get sparklepoints, yay.
This week’s ops?
Operation G Presto and the Book of Salves. Or really, I will see what comes up at Rally (Rally!)
I’m playing with…
DANCING.
And permission. And love.
Attenzione! AGENTS.
I am deep in an undercover mission to get better at Gracefully Accepting Thanks. Or: Glowing Receptivity and Being Receptive to Glow.
This mission also resolves a question we get from people a lot, which is “I really, really want to thank you, except I’m not going to buy products and I can’t come to a Rally.” And it is also related to Operation Coming Out Of All The Closets, so I can share some experiences from Then where past-me thought her best survival strategy was not-sharing-how-hard-things-are.
If you would like to support my mission by sharing sweetness and appreciation for any aspect of my work, I would love that. You can do it with the magic of words, through the comments, or add something to Barrington’s Discretionary fund. (Explanation!)
And if the way you are glowing appreciation is quietly in your heart, I like that too. It all counts. ♡
Progress report on past Very Personal Ads.
So. Last week, aka Secret Window Time…
I wanted to turn the two hours where nothing gets done into the two hours where I do things that are pleasurable and appealing to me.
I am so in love with this wish, it might be my favorite wish ever. Secret Window Time!
Because last week was Rally (Rally!), I didn’t get to test it thoroughly. However, I was very aware of this wish all week, and I could feel it while I was making choices.
I also noticed that I spent less time doing things on my phone, and that felt good.
And! I got to do lots of the things I suspected I might do if Secret Window Time existed. So that’s a win right there.
Also I took care of the Bork Updates, which really needed to happen.
The smartest thing I seeded last week was “I am fearless and confident, and I do the brave things and give myself sparklepoints, and it is not even a big deal that I did the brave things but I still get sparklepoints, yay.”
This absolutely happened, and I am so over-the-top happy about this that I am keeping it in the rotation.
Thank you, writing. Thank you, me who asked.
Keep me company?
You are welcome to drop in with wishes, gwishes, visions, personal ads. Small or large, and in any form you like. There is no right way to do this. Updates on past experiments are welcome too, as is anything sparked for you.
Commenting culture: This is safe space for creative exploration. We ask for what we need. We are on permanent vacation from care-taking and advice-giving. We are here to play.
Let’s throw some things in the pot! And, as always, amnesty applies. Leave a wish here any time you want.
xox
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~2 yrs ago, on my blog, I wrote about Something-Like-Not-Obsessed-Exactly. Two of my best friends both commented on that post that I *was* obsessed, and that obsession was pathological, and probably something I needed to look into (so I could stop doing it).
I have fluid boundaries at the best of times. These were trusted friends, who generally looked out for me. So, I trusted what they said. And the lovely progress I’d been making up until then was derailed for many months. I’m only just now getting back to where I was then. (And I’m no longer friends with either of those people.)
Even so, until reading this post, I hadn’t realized just how many projects in my life fall into this category. I miss these things too! I *need* things-to-not-quite-obsess over! I need engrossing interests, that may even become my (primary) identity (tag) for a while. Because that’s fun for me!
So thank you, Havi, for helping me learn about myself, from you sharing what you learned about yourself.
Mmmm. That sounds so very painful. Hand-on-heart sigh for that.
I am remembering some (sort-of) similar things, so taking a breath for … not sure how to phrase this… maybe something like “may everyone in my life be aware that People Vary, be curious about how People Vary, and beautifully respectful of my process”. I definitely need more of that.
Also I very strongly wish people would read Barbara Sher’s books about Scanners, so they could have a better sense of the types of people who need to dive deeply into things (some for short periods, some for longer periods), and who knows maybe that make for more people being able to be warm and enthusiastic when a new not-obsessed-exactly comes along for me…
Yeah, I’ve been trying to locate new friends offline, and not having a whole lotta luck. But I’d rather be solitary than go back to people patronizing me “for my own good”, esp when that’s actively harmful to what I was trying to do.
Barbara Sher – yes! I added a note about being a Scanner to my LinkedIn profile … because otherwise my job/volunteering history looks like a … tangled web.
And I gave myself the job title of “Bricoleur” just because it’s cool (but also true!).
@Pqw-orange — thank you for “bricoleur”! Just looked it up, along with “bricolage” — such good words!
ooh, I do something like that. I find something and dive all the way to the bottom of it. Following all the trails and tendrils of it. Wearing it, eating it, reveling in it. Cramming it all into my brain space.
Sometimes then I’m done with it and I move on. Maybe I come back to it years later. Or just next year. Sometimes it stays with me. But always diving in to touch the bottom and come back up.
I didn’t make any wishes last week. That is not good. Not to wish and want means that I don’t believe in wishing and wanting and that is dangerous (for me.)
So, I will want a tiny thing. New tires. Before my travels. Lovely fat grippy gorgeous tires, easily and gladfully bought and paid for. That means two new clients, at least. And I want those, too, dammit.
And I will want a huge giant thing in my heart. And I want that, too, dammit.
Dancing at almost-37 which is almost-40! Girl, you made me laugh!
I am 59 which is almost 60 and I have osteoporosis and I plan to FINALLY learn to rollerskate. It’s been in my mind for a long time and I’m not going to let being almost-60 OR brittle bones stop me.
One of the things I plan to do this week is to sign up for the next skating class.
*
A thing I want this week:
“I’m Amazing Like That.”
My eight-year-old nephew said. “I’m amazing like that.” It was funny in context, because his older sister was apparently trying to start something.
I want that.
I want to say it to myself often. I want to remember it and believe it.
I want to say it to others.
Not everything needs a response. I know that and I still feel an urge to respond.
This is perfect for those times I feel a need to explain and defend myself even though I know it’s not necessary. And for those times when any response I can make feels awkward. “I’m amazing like that.”
You know how some people make belittling remarks and pretend that they’re joking. My brother-in-law makes it clear that he doesn’t like my new coat: “You’ve got great taste, Vic,” he sneers. Me: “Yeah, I’m amazing like that.”
Best response ever.
*
This week I’m going to LOTTO (shhh — that’s code for my List Of Things To dO, and doing the things)!
Last week I had two visions, one for the week and one for the year. Many things that happened this week are part of the visions/wishes for the year.
Me of last week is a genius. Me of this week supports those visions and is going to play towards bringing more of them into my life.
Good wishes to all who have wishes.
VickiB, we are the same age, and I’ve always admired those who could rollerskate! I did skate a bit as a child, but never very well, so I wish you much success (and soft landings!)
And I’d really like to borrow, please, the Superpower of “Yeah, I’m amazing like that”. I hope your nephew never loses that particular Superpower – it’s one that we should all have engraved on our hearts.
Thank you so much for writing your blog, Havi; your words have changed my life. I wish I had time to write about how. It’s funny that I came here to read this post today–I am wanting that same obsession-but-not-obsession-in-a-bad-way feeling about a {silent retreat} project right now. I can’t wait to hear more about how you work with that feeling.
As another 59-which-is-almost-60, and about to dive head-first into learning Zumba, I think 37-which-is-almost-40 is quite the perfect age. Wishing you Wormholes In Time (which must Secret Window Time’s big sisters?) Havi, so that you can explore your obsession in depth.
As alternatives to obsession, perhaps passion or devotion might work? Passionate seems to have the right qualities – devotion may not be quite strong enough.
I have lots of projects that need time this week, so I’m wishing for Wormholes In Time (or perhaps even a Time-Turner) for myself.
I don’t post here very often, but I would like you to know, Havi, that yours is one of my very favourite spaces on the interwebs, and the first place I turn to for comfort and strength in a ‘what would Havi do?’ kind of a way.
*besotted* is a word I want to use more! I love this word!
Also, many many sparklepoints for receiving and for letting Barrington build her discretionary!
I came up with a set of eight words for this week’s VPA (hey lookie, it’s like a compass!):
freedom
passion
creativity
delight
curiosity
sharing
love
joy
So I’m playing with that this week. It’s not exactly a small want for just this week, but if I pay attention to the direction I want to go and the qualities I want in my life, that will give me better ways of getting there. Or so I figure.
Much glowing of appreciation to you, Havi! And all the dancing your heart and body desire. Dance! Alla dance!
I think I will raise my desk and dance now!
Hello week. A few things for the pot:
There is a barn burning down quite close to me. It is a barn that is broken and unsafe, and it needs to burn to the ground so that everyone can live more peacefully. But my instinct is still to run around and call the fire department and try to throw water on this burning barn because FIRE. Also, sparks keep landing on my roof, and I’m worried that the fire will spread to burn down my house.
I’m invoking patience, perspective and protection (in all its forms); an emergency water bucket in case MY house starts burning, and a big sand barrier around the barn to prevent things from spreading. This is not my barn. This is not my job.
Other things:
For the map to keep appearing in front of me.
For this adventure I’m planning to be smooth, relaxed and “just the right thing.”
For whatever magical alchemy that has kept the ship afloat so far to keep doing its thing!
For the barn to burn down with compassion and intention, and set everyone free.
Gratitude sparkles for everyone’s week!
There is a kind of edginess (not the cool kind) that I sometimes get during large festive gatherings. I would like to change this pattern. Where there is edginess, let there be compassion. There. An eight word reminder — a compass of sorts — to see me through the season.
Ah! “So has to do with time, and also it has nothing to do with time.” So true.
For me, when I am besotted-obsessed-passionate, time falls away. But of course, the rest of one’s life is also there. Sometimes, the object of devotion is like a soothing liquid (salve!) that envelopes the rest of life, paints the surface with wonderful outrageous colors, and sinks down to permeate the very core.
Knowing this desire is there makes everything else better.
Good luck with dancing days and nights!
This week I would love to play with VickyB’s nephew’s fabulous superpower. So delightful: “I’m amazing like that.”
Happy week to all!
Weekly Gwishes:
A) That Private Grunt continue thinning out the jonquil bed on Thursday, and Friday and that my neighbors continue to take them away.
B) Easing into the Feast of Gratitude and Plenitude and the Season of Preparing for the Big Generosity Deadline. Especially honoring the crowns and boundaries of Difficult Relatives, watching their Rivers, or burning barns without being carried away in the current or caught up in putting their fires out.
C) Visiting the Well of Rest whenever I need to.
D) Maintaining my boundaries. Probably using humor and deflection, but also saying “Ouch” when a shoe hits and seeing if whatever boundary was pushed is then honored.
E) Health and job for The Dude.
Qualities: Grounding, Nourishment, Ease, Gratitude, Releasing Generously, Peace, Joyful Rest, Curiosity
The Big Ol’ Printer is only temporary. I will deal with finding it a new home after the Feast. I have the ordinary power of Scheduling My Tasks.
This afternoon, I got smacked on the nose several times by vines I was tugging out of the house. (They’d insinuated themselves into and beneath the siding on the east wall, above my head, and they were startlingly long as I tugged and snipped and tugged and scraped and tugged some more.)
It didn’t hurt (the dust that got into my eyes was more of a nuisance) but it did have me comparing the vines to iguanas and other messy, challenging, under-my-skin stuff I’ve been tugging at.
Which leads to some Things I Want…
* to not feel pressured or agitated in the presence of other people’s impatience. (I would particularly like a certain supplier to leave my household alone. It is nowhere near time to harass us about a matter that is under review.)
* to feel nourished rather than depleted as I run the upcoming gantlet of social stuff
* for things=containers congruence and copaceticity
What might help?
* sovereignty tiara, mending and polishing of
* permission slips – to travel light. to prepare for just the most likely situations rather than all the situations. to bin the just-in-case-but-seriously-unlikely bits and bobs. to change my mind about […].
What else? Making peace with the no-longer-my-obsessions. With the right-thing-wrong-time-ghosts.
How?
I could write about them? The thought of farewell letters makes me squinch up inside, but what about fiction? Or letting an alter ego have the horse?
Warm wishes to all y’all.
I want so many things, and I am practicing being OK with that, that maybe what I want isn’t too much, or greedy, but that there is enough.
Into the pot!
-Operation B
-the good hot chocolate supplies
-learning more about wine, and about living near wineries
-2014: what’s important? Turtles. Music. Water. 27. What else?
-to deal with the Dad-iguana
-warmth/affection/touch
-giving space, and making space. making friends with my spaces.
-looking at my face in the mirror. and trying to allow the possibility of being okay with whatever feelings come up.
-healing neck stuff
-flowers
<3