very personal adsPersonal ads. They’re … personal! Very.

I write a Very Personal Ad each week to practice wanting, and get clarity about my desires. The point isn’t getting my wish (though cool things have emerged from wishing), the point is learning about my relationship with what I want, and accessing the qualities. Wanting can be hard, it is easy to feel conflicted about it, and the reasons for that make this a surprisingly subversive practice…

What do I want?

This wish has to do with a very old pattern that comes in different variations and generally involves the following elements: 1) I don’t know where to start, 2) I make a list of All The Things, 3) I get completely overwhelmed thinking about All The Things, 4) I panic and go back to bed.

I want a way to see the next thing without losing track of all the things, but also without having to look at all the things.

You might remember that last week, I came up with Mission Cards which were helpful.

And six weeks ago I talked about CWUs aka complete willingness units or tiny first steps, which I am currently pretending stands for Covert Witchy Undergarments.

Covert and witchy at the same time. How great is that.

This is a wish about that, and it is also a bigger wish.

It has to do with ONE THING AT A TIME, and with letting this solve everything.

What do I know about this wish so far?

It has to do with trust.

I really, truly have to trust that doing one thing leads to the next thing, and that each one thing is a fractal flower, supporting the entirety of the garden.

What is an example of ONE THING AT A TIME?

That is, as opposed to ALL THE THINGS AT ONCE…

Okay, so, for example, one of my ops in progress is a Sail of Emptying for the Playground, emptying out the things that we don’t use or no longer need.

I have been thinking, for months, of setting aside a day for this.

And I don’t do it, because:

  1. I already have a million trillion Monster-number of things that need my attention.
  2. Too many parts and pieces to think about!
  3. It requires putting pricing stickers on all the things, and this stresses me out.
  4. Blah, reasons.
  5. Being around people? For a day? I don’t know….

So then it doesn’t happen.

What if it doesn’t have to happen all at once though?

What if once a week, here or at the Frolicsome Bar (our Facebook page), I announced ONE THING that is for sale?

It might take months (monsters say: forever!), but you know what? It is already taking that long. So maybe tiny step followed by tiny step is — for me, right now, as an experiment — more effective than working on the op as a Thing That May Possibly Happen Eventually.

What else do I know?

This wish is part of a long line of recent wishes.

I have made wishes about emptying, about letting go, about closing the doors, about release, about clarity and getting clear, being willing to see what is. Eliminating as part of illuminating.

So this is the next indicated step.

Anything else?

I like the sound of covert and witchy. I like the combination.

Covert like spies, Bond girl, special ops, secret agent code. Witchy like magic, play, light-heartedness, the east wind, the wonders of anagrams.

And underthings is for glamour and awe and wildly confident and trusting in pleasure, and the secret holiness of all of these things.

I like the idea that this process of choosing little steps instead of trying to do the big thing could be covert and witchy and glamorous…

I like imagining that everything I do is coated with a layer of witchy-covert-glamorous, spills over into witchy, covert and glamorous. Yes. YES. I like this a lot.

Where do I want to start?

With the qualities. Rest. Permission. Legitimacy. Amnesty.

The compass of treasure from last time is still working for me:

Peacefulness. Safety. Ease. Shelter. Freedom. Release. Glow. Wild.

How does this relate to Releasing?

June-2014-Release That’s the superpower in the Fluent Self calendar, June is the month of Releasing.

All Past Pain Is Transformed Into Jewels.

Letting go. So, letting go of the need to do everything at once, letting go of the fantasy that one day I will do all the things, letting go of the painful stories about how I don’t do enough. Letting go of the deep hurt I am carrying.

Talking to Incoming Me about this…

Me: My head hurts. I feel overwhelmed. Too many mysterious projects, still.
Slightly wiser me: My love, of course you feel overwhelmed. Look at all the crazy shit going on. You are okay. This is a natural and normal response to stressful external situations. You need time to take care of yourself. In the meantime, let’s take a few steps backwards and recalibrate our seeing. Nothing Is Wrong. None of this is real. Take care of your body, and the rest will work out.
Me: ????
Slightly wiser me: Pause. Breathe. Two minutes on the floor, three minutes, eyes closed, breathing. I told you last time: Nothing else is as important or meaningful as these moments of quiet. Treasure yourself. Treasure the home that is your body. Let that be the starting point.

Anything else? Starting points?

Keep connecting to Incoming me. Skip stones as often as possible. Writing and Righting. The sweetest ship. Dance. Intensity. Unapologetically red lipstick. Eight breaths. My body gets the deciding vote. Thank you in advance.

What else do I want?

Seeds planted without explanation, a mix of secret agent code and silent retreat. Things to play with someday.
  • Everything is easier than I thought, and look, miracles everywhere.
  • I have the best time dancing in my ballroom.
  • This doesn’t require my input!
  • Ha, it’s so perfect that it turned out like this. Past me is a GENIUS
  • I have what I need, and I appreciate it. There are resources to do this.
  • Trust and steadiness. I can see why this moment is good.
  • Hawaii. Possibly Hawaii is not in Hawaii. Ohmygod I think I might know where it is!
  • I am fearless and confident. I do the brave things and it is not even a big deal, and I still get sparklepoints, yay.
  • Ops: Open Sesame, Friday Nights, Siltonian, This Is The Ship, Sip Hint Learn.

Clues?

Chandler discovered that an anagram for her name is REALLY ANCHORED!

Incredible. I spend my time with anagrams and never looked inside of my name. Highly entertaining:

Bolshevik Labor! Lovable Brisk Ho! Lo Verbal Kibosh! Silk Verbal Hobo! Brave Books Hill. Kibosh Lover Lab.

What I am taking from this is: PLAY. BOOKS. LOVER LAB. SILK. VERBAL. A really great hobo bag. And not sure what to do with bolshevik labor other than to laugh and let it be secret code for something.

Progress report on past Very Personal Ads.

So. Last week, aka closing doors in order to open other ones…

This was a great one, and I actually finished all six ops:

  1. Operation K Has A Crown.
  2. Operation Flippity-Wah!
  3. Mission of the One Wish.
  4. Operation Solve for N.
  5. Operation Jazz Hands!
  6. Mission: Emptying To Let In The Light.
Thank you, writing. Thank you, me who asked.

Attenzione! Attention, AGENTS.

I wish to whisper a whisper about the Monster Manual! It comes paired with the world’s best coloring book, which does so much monster-dissolving magic that even if you wait to try the techniques, you’ll still feel better about everything.

Self-fluency is hard enough, we need ways to to interact with the thoughts-fear-worry-criticism that shuts down creative exploring. And when people get the manual, I am able to me spend more time writing here. So if you don’t need help with monsters, get one for a friend. Or plant a wish that someone gets it for you! And bring people you like to hang out here. The more of us working on our stuff, the better for all of us. ♡

Keep me company?

Consider this an open invitation to deposit wishes, gwishes, personal ads. In any size/form you like, there’s no right way. Updates on past experiments are welcome too, as is anything sparked for you.

Commenting culture: This is safe space for creative exploration. We are on permanent vacation from care-taking and advice-giving. We are here to play.

Let’s throw things in the pot! And: Amnesty. Leave a wish any time you want.

xox

The Fluent Self