It is the weekend and we are here.
{a breath for All Timing Is Right Timing}
Even — and maybe even especially when we miss the Friday part of the Friday Chicken because of Life Stuff, in this case because of Operation Gem Springs.
What worked this week?
Using the labyrinth.
I have a tiny labyrinth that I carry with me when I travel.
It’s kind of a pain, the TSA invariably finds it suspicious, and then I forget to use it anyway. But each time I travel, Slightly Wiser Me whispers to me to bring the labyrinth. So I bring it.
This week I remembered to use the labyrinth.
Each day before I leave to work on the op, I choose a quality and I trace the labyrinth focusing on this quality. Confidence. Sweetness. Pleasure. Curiosity. Wonder. Delight.
And then I take the quality with me through my day. I feel more focused, more calm, more alert to what Max calls signs of forming.
Next time I might…
Use the labyrinth in new ways.
The labyrinth is a door. I’m using it as a way to practice conscious entry.
I’m pretty good at doing entry for things that scare me, and this week involved a lot of those.
It’s much harder for me to remember to enter everything with that much intention.
Eight breaths for the hard, challenging and mysterious.
- This week was all about wax on wax off. In dance, for sure, but also in everything else. I’m in the slow motion montage training sequence and it is so hard. A breath for process.
- I did all the scary things this week. A breath for comfort.
- Got new estimates for the house repairs, and while they are slightly less terrifying, it’s not fun. A breath for perfect simple solutions.
- Still discovering effects and complications from the traumatic middle ear infection in Berlin ten years ago. A breath for my body and for the process of recovery.
- CONFLICTING INFORMATION is the most frustrating thing in the world. This has been happening nonstop all month in dance, but it came to a head this week when an instructor asked me to think “up, up, up-up-up” on a sequence and then handed me over to the next instructor who asked me to think “down, down, down-down-down on the same move before I’d even had a chance to try and apply the first instruction. Ooof. A breath for meeting frustration with patience and maybe even laughter.
- In my stuff about so many things. A loss of confidence. A breath for finding my way through.
- Feeling overwhelmed by choices. A breath for trust.
- Inhale, exhale. Goodbye, mysteries and hard moments of this week.
Eight breaths of good, reassuring, delight-filled.
- Wax on wax off! Montage! I am learning the things I need to be learning, and making progress and the dedication to meticulousness is paying off. A breath for the joy of visible palpable progress.
- I did all the scary things this week! Go me! Including an audition! Two auditions, since I also tried out for the Splash Choir. Anyone who knows me knows how severely allergic I am to any form of trying out for anything, and I get a hundred trillion sparklepoints for bravery. A breath for courage.
- Getting to play. Also a really thoughtful, sweet, heart-conversation about entry, presence and not falling for anything. A breath for the many different kinds of play that I enjoy, and for getting a bit of all of them at the same tiem.
- Astounding moments of coincidence, during which I met two people I greatly admire, who proceeded, with no prompting from me, to have a discussion about [super secret big wish of mine], and then gave me wonderful encouragement. A breath for magic.
- Sharing a moment, and a moon. A breath for things that are surprising and extraordinary.
- Writing. A breath for saying all the things I want to say.
- Operation Gem Springs. Amazing dance workshops. Wonderful dances. I am finding the treasure. I am trying new things. I am learning and taking care of myself. A breath for everything about this.
- Appreciation and thankfulness. I am learning the things I want to learn. Incoming me is wise and hilarious and gives me good counsel. Red lipstick. Lovely surprises. Nothing is wrong. Now is not then. All Timing Is Right Timing. So many things are good. A breath for deep appreciation in my thank-you heart.
WHAM BOOM! Operations completed.
Huge progress on the latest Sip Hint Learn, and many Tiny Liberations. Wham Boom.
Superpowers!
Powers I had this week…
The power of smiling.
Superpowers I want.
The power of unapologetically and unwaveringly trusting my instinct.
Salve. The Salve of Slow Motion Montage.
When you rub this salve into your skin, you suddenly become much more patient with everything in your life that is in process, in transition, in a state of becoming.
It stops feeling like an endless slog, and instead you are able to feel the wind against your face. The calendar pages are floating past. You are learning skills and accessing information.
One day you’ll back on this as a magical time of growth, even the parts where it has seemed like nothing is moving. It was totally moving. You’re in the training montage sequence.
The more you use this salve, the more you enjoy that process of learning and curiosity, trying and falling, picking yourself back up.
This salve fills you with a soft steady glow, it infuses your life with patience, perspective, perseverance and play.
If salve does not appeal, you can have this in tea form, as a bath, cocktail, whatever works for you. Not only is there enough salve, there are also enough ways to receive it.
Playing live at the meme beach house — the Fake Band of the Week!
This band is called (Foo = X), they do smooth jazz saxophone versions of ska songs, and it’s actually just one guy.
Attenzione! Attention, AGENTS.
My writing/righting retreat is full. (PASSWORD: oneword)
Is this something you would want another chance at doing in the future? Let me know.
You don’t have to think you’re a writer, you don’t have to write, nothing is required other than that you want quiet time to be deeply creative, wildly inspired, and take some mostly self-guided time for internal exploration or whatever appeals to you.
Come play if you like…
Join me in the comments. Some of us share hard and good, some of us say hi, or maybe we’re on silent retreat. My ritual doesn’t have to be your ritual. Whatever works for you. Almost three hundred weeks of this and there still isn’t a right way.
Everyone belongs. We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. We don’t give advice.
Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.
p.s. It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — join in whenever you like, it’s no big deal. And I am blowing kisses to the Beloved Lurkers. I love that you are here too.
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This week! So hard, and so important.
I am making a huge shift and it’s wonderful. The locked-in life plan that was supposed to happen now has been blissfully called off and something even better is taking its place. “Even better” is really saying something.
And while whatever ends up happening instead of my plans is ultimately invariably better, this time I get to know that from the start and participate in it.
So I’m making a shift and it’s not the one I had scheduled and it’s raw and scary but very good. I even have some people helping me, which is it’s own shift. Or possibly learning to receive help is the shift and the rest is the excuse.
At any rate, it’s exhausting, but I’m making room for the exhaustion, which is exhilarating. I’m starting slow, which means less burnout, which makes things happen really fast.
And I finally get to quit a thing I’ve wanted to quit for a very long time. I think life without it will be wonderful.
Hi ho chickens!
What happened?
Hard things….
– winter blues x winter bugs = kicking my arse. Lots of mostly unhelpful coping strategies, anesthetising, fixating, pellet pushing, resenting, killing time. KILLING TIME. Like I’m not getting older every damn second already?!? Also self-judgement. Fun! Not very.
– sickness. Ugh. Head full of goo. Had to cancel lovely rendezvous!!!! NOT FAIR.
– the world goes so fast, and I can’t keep up when I’m operating in slow mo. Feeling and being perceived to be overdue in many corners. Yeah, I wish this funk would pass more quickly too, you know?
– slow progress is slow. Tender, vulnerable waiting is still tender and vulnerable.
– shame around having quit striving to improve my performance in area X. My dammits around area X are quite half hearted.
– deciding. Imagining my Little Lad’s face crumpling a few times because of this decision. Going there anyway. We are wired to cope with struggle and he is surrounded by people who will support him through his struggles. Trusting this… is hard.
– project L is where I’m most overdue, and I do love project L. 🙁
– oh man I want candy. Candy on Tuesday was so damn beautifully sweet and I want more candy and lots of it and I want it now and I have done without candy for SO GODDAMNED LONG and PLEASE UNIVERSE CAN I PLEASE START HAVING ACCESS TO CANDY REGULARLY AND JOYFULLY PLEASE BECAUSE I FUCKING LOVE CANDY AND ALSO CANDY COMES WITH BEAUTIFUL WRAPPERS THAT I ALSO CRAVE AND LOVE AND WAAAAAAHHHH!!!!
Good things…..
+ slow progress is definitely progress. Oh beautiful butterfly wishes, rain down on me, land in my hand, let me love the wishes and their fulfilment, oh my yes.
+ candy on Tuesday. Oh. My. Yes.
+ enough money. This has been a long time coming.
+ deciding. When I decide I generally end up getting what I want.
+ the overdue feels daunting but not overwhelmingly so. Courage Claire, courage.
+ I am over this funk and doing what I need to do to haul myself back towards the light. I too have help with this. And that is a shift. Thank you helpermice. <3
+ so many things are good. I will get there.
<3 <3 <3
It is Sunday for me + my usual chicken phobia = I’ll just place a wish here:
May I step into my strength.
May I get information on how to do it.
May I be supported in doing it.
May it be easy and joyful.
Oh, what beautiful wishes!
Tipsy late Sunday chicken whoohoo!
The good:
– my best friend from school got married
– relatedly, part 1 of the great summer road trip is done and dusted and my in-laws are feeding me wine
– Vicky Beeching came out. This has made it about a thousand times easier for people to be LGBT and Christian.
The hard:
– massive monster invasion telling me that my entire life’s work is clearly pointless now Vicky Beeching has come out
– all the people. All of them.
Salve of the week is absolutely perfect. I am writing the letters and sending them and then the answer comes back ‘no’ and I send the next one. I need the perspective to see the days flipping past and the ultimate satisfactory ending.
I am applying this week’s salve right now! My version seems to have its own soundtrack.
Hard stuff:
–My car broke down. My mother, my daughter and I were stranded on the shoulder of the interstate for about three hours, with cell phones only nominally functioning.
–Then I found out how much it will cost to repair my car. We don’t have that kind of money, and even if we did, we probably wouldn’t spend it on a car with over 265,000 miles on it. Suddenly I am looking at saying goodbye to my beloved Prius.
Good stuff:
–My mother has a spare vehicle that she is happy to lend me indefinitely. A breath for generosity and good fortune and resources and support!
–I auditioned for a local choral ensemble today, and it went very well. If I don’t get to sing with them this season, it will not be hard to convince my monsters that they just didn’t have available openings. I should be finding out in the next few days. A breath for hope!
I now invoke the superpower of Effortless Expression! <3
Hullo-ullo-ullo!
Hard:
* exhaustion
* inexperience
* two of the hotels definitely looked way better on the web than in real life
* one of those “how are we going to afford”/”we can’t afford not to…” conversations
Good:
* learned so much, just as I’d hoped
* monster-negotiator doing a stellar job on multiple fronts
* a most wonderful wedding, and connecting with other friends
* “My lovely Salem smiles at me… I thank the maker of Heaven and Earth that gave him me to love”
* loose ends less flappety!
Warm wishes to all y’all.
Sunday Chicken.
The Good:
This week was a gwish come true. I kept wanting to go to the yoga retreat and then I realized that all I needed to do was call up and make a reservation. And so I did. And then I went. And everything that I wanted was there. And everything that I did, I wanted to do. And all of the dancing I wanted to do, I did. And the days were the best days.
And coming home & doing all the laundry & snuggling the cat was good. And dancing more was good. And no traffic on the way home was good.
The Challenge:
Making every day contain the essence of that time. And figuring how to go back again and again.
What worked this week: steady focus on the plan, and following the steps.
Next week I might: be more active physically, and play more outside.
Hard:
– Lack of energy until late Saturday made prepping things take longer than otherwise
– Canceled flight means I have to spend several days next week rearranging travel plans
– Lack of sleep.
– Things I didn’t get done during the week, especially the Inapt Hug
Good:
+ Being able to take the necessary time to rest
+ Saw the doctor Thursday; he’s referred me to a specialist and for PT
+ Progress on the Anagram Projects – and discovery that one of them, Bait Reset, didn’t have to be done after all.
This week’s salve is just what I need. Patience with the things that are in process and in transition. A soft steady glow of “patience, perspective, perseverance and play.” I’m going to use a lot of it in the coming week.
Oh, hello, Chicken. I have missed you. Which is silly because you’ve been here, but I haven’t for not particularly good reason other than right timing. <3
The Hard:
1. Housing situation appeared to be getting postponed for a month, and I had one very sleepless night along with a few nights of tossing and turning and weird dreams.
2. There are a lot of bad and sad and scary things happening in the world, and I am picking up on a lot of energy and things that are not mine.
3. Moving. My office moved this week. So much packing and unpacking. So much herding of cats. So much stupid questions.
4. Zoh my god. The stupid questions. They deserve their own number because if someone asked me one more time if we had any water in the office, and I had to make one more snarky comment about the tap water being perfectly drinkable… Seriously.
5. I yelled at the misogynistic and condescending project consultant. I don't actually feel too bad about this. Possibly, I even feel good about this. But also frustrated that I had to yell at him because he doesn't listen to me and he was whining and trying to blame someone for something that was totally his responsibility.
6. Being totally in my stuff all day yesterday. Wanting to cry. Not being able to. Having an internal meltdown about wanting a home and not wanting to go live with strangers for a month, and not being able to express that to any friends I was with.
7. Still sad about the lack of role models and having no idea what I can reasonably expect my parkour journey to look like at all. Which is true for everyone because we're all unique, but still it's harder when I don't see anyone in the sport who started with similar abilities as me.
8. So done sleeping on an air mattress and feeling like I am taking up space in other peoples' home right now.
The Good:
1. The traceur is solving all the problems, one obstacle at a time.
2. I walked a whole rail today without help. It felt amazing. Yay for good balance coming back quickly.
3. The new office is soooooo great. So great! I think it is going to be a much more pleasant and happy space for everyone. It is bigger and brighter and even has some lovely blue accent walls that I adore.
4. Friends. I have so many wonderful people here who I love and adore. It's wonderful. And I'm meeting more all the time.
5. I signed up for a parkour thing in September! Motivation to keep training.
6. Monday marked the one month-i-versary since my first parkour class. I realize I am talking about parkour a lot, but it has become very important to me for a variety of reasons and it feels even more exciting when I remember that I am only at the very very very beginning. I'm not even sure the montage has quite started yet. Maybe just.
7. The housing situation getting re-sorted, and all because I asked for what I needed. Receiving ftw!
8. Delight in moving my body. Sheer, sheer delight.
Delight with you, and Hugs for you, and May I have some, too, please and thank you?
“Gonna live *where*??” is such a hairy-scary question to have hanging over yer head – I’m being there, too, at the moment…
Sunday Blessings ~
Sarah – check your Y!IM, eh?
Hmmm – “up, up, up-up-up” AND “down, down, down-down-down” at the same time – as in “inhale, exhale” – both, as parts of the same move?
~ that sounds like a new a-hah! to try on 🙂
Blessings, all ~
The hard:
+ uhhhhhhhh……augh………..sighhhhhhhhh………. weep……….. [stares into space]
+ the kind of fatigue resulting from the first thing above which is not really fatigue but really a post-traumatic shock. Involved days of acute pain and that familiar old vertigo of “where am I, who am I, what is this and why am I in a free-fall?” Wow, now that I’ve articulated it, biggest heart-sigh in the world.
+ the grief of knowing that [the thing above] has now tainted [lots of things that were/are independently beautiful and otherwise would be unambivalently adored by me] and now I have all of this to untangle.
+ loss, again, and shame, again. again again again again.
+ related but also separate: temporary loss of gazelle state and gazelle body
The good:
+ Um I had breakfast with Max, who is my favorite person in the world to have breakfast with, or any meal with, for that matter and obviously we had *all* the delightful conversations.
+ I also had a nice long overdue chat with Claire-mama, who always astounds me with extraordinary love and genius-ness.
+ I had a “girly night in” type thing with a friend. We baked cake and watched Ugly Betty and talked about sex and I DID NOT EVEN GET DRUNK. I hadn’t done anything like that in a while — it was sweet and just what the doctor ordered.
+ Speaking of which, man, do I have some quality-ass friends. If I weren’t chickening, I would have totally missed out on the opportunity to notice this, especially since my narrative is always “I have no friends, wahh.”
+ I met a big important deadline at work, and while the process was fraught, I did it and it is done and it was all me and GO SIMONE.
+ Monies not scary at the moment!
+ I went to a new church even though it was scary and for once, it was everything I had hoped it would be: wonderful music (I realized — the only time I don’t mind ‘contemporary’ liturgical music is when it is sung by a out-of-tune chorus of adorable Dominican children!), a joyous priest who made it a point to ask me my name, a beautiful, thought-provoking homily. I came back home feeling completely renewed and glad of heart and all day have been humming. A breath for ritual and the stabilizing miracle of faith that is quiet and raucous at the same time.
+ I was alone all day yesterday and starting to go a bit crazy and randomly, without announcement, my darling neighbors came over and had dinner and drinks with me. We got pretty drunk but all I remember is that we had a very long and impassioned discussion about the necessity of feminism and it was awesome.
+ I have articulated a precious gwish to myself and it was a huge, huge, huge deal.
Thank you, chicken. Thank you, Havi and all the other witnesses here. Every time I chicken, I wonder why I don’t do it more often.
xo
Witness! and
Go, Simone!!!
Bright Blessings all over you! 🙂
Go, Simone! I loved having breakfast with you, too. I LOVE YOU and I love breakfast. Let’s do it some more!
Whoo-Hoo! A take-it-with-you labyrinth? very Kewl!
I found-remembered a local labyrinth today, and very aware-ly walked it, without *analyzing* it. What a joyful re-entering re-centering and re-discovering – that MeNow *is* smarter than when I *think*!
Love and Hugs and Blessings ~
Thank you for this wonderful “space in space”, Havi! <3
Oh, Havi – I love all this but especially THANK YOU for the salve because OMG I’m having the hardest time in the part of the training montage where there’s an injury – not EVEN a metaphor – and the montage includes a lot of sitting around watching Elementary with my leg elevated AUGH.
Love to all the Chickeneers!
Monday at work chicken!
Hard things:
–I also am in the training montage
–Waiting for the end of the month and ALL THE UPHEAVAL is almost as bad as being IN the upheaval
Good things:
–Choreography is in progress! Speaking in code is half the fun of proxies!
–Just started a 30 days challenge–yayyy fitness in the mornings! More energy! All good things!
–Learning to be OK with being now and not just WAITING FOR THE UPHEAVAL (All Timing Is Right Timing).
Thank you for the salve. It’s exactly what I needed right now.
I really appreciate you, Havi, and all of you, fellow Chickens.
Mmmm, slow motion montage training sequence. Last week, I was mostly in the plateau where I keep showing up and nothing changes. Then the big trained-for event happened. Training was worth it. (And it was not a US film, so the ending wasn’t 100% happy or expected.)
I actually keep looking at the calendar, hoping it will always be August, but I just realized I may need to let go and let the montage include the flipping pages. Ahhh. Right timing.
Another clew: there was schmutz on my screen so I thought the a in sparklepoints had an umlaut. I was delighted. I can have delight! I’m feeling European! And…dirt/disorder can make things even more fun!!!
Perfect salve! I read it’s description to The Dude. He said, “I need to pour this one over my body.” And there was a jug of salve going glug, glug, glug. And I rubbed it over his body.
And Aha! My montage has slow-motion scenes, which in science fiction films means the character is really going at super-speed, so this is extremely useful as I pack for Rally X.
The Good – Local Pride Festival. Had a blast representing my church, seeing and meeting happy, loving, pretty people for 2 hours.
WHAM Boomed the Goldfire Iguana. Bought myself ice cream. The Goldfire is on the verge of becoming The Scrapmobile.
The Sad – Robin Williams
The Itsa Notso Bad – The Monster from The Future is Spaceman 1st Class Angst Worrywart (addressed as “1st Class Worrywart).
Also identified – 3 Niggles with the job of telling me what I Gotta Do – Vinnie, the boss, Vito and Guido, (his viola case has an actual viola), Gotta. I think they’re Enforcers for King Anil.
Brod Caster, the Monster who tells me I will be loved for sharing my thoughts escaped the brig and yelled at me to [redacted]. It took quite a few of the crew, and a couple of zaps of the Button-Your-Lip Gun to subdue him.
Turns out the ProfOrg “Treasurer $” door might not close until the 3rd week of next month due to difficulties handing over the keys.
Still trusting that I have time to WHAM Boom the Capers and trusting that the Homework I can bring myself to do will be sufficient for Rally X.
I am closing the door. I am choosing or creating and opening the new door or doors. (Openings? Less specific than doors, also like Opening Night?)
Peace through chickens.
“Clowns to the left of me, Jokers to the right…”
“No permission” monsters, and “I’m not the kind of girl who…” – are they really the same one? Or just kissing cousins?
Arrgghhh! on Tuesday morning – chickening from the bottom of a self-dug hole.
Going to *do* something, instead of wallow, now.