It is Friday and we are here.
{a breath for Friday.}
What worked this week?
Asking for what I wanted.
In all ways.
Especially in the form of pauses, intention-setting, taking a moment. Also seeding as many wild wishes as I wanted.
Oh, and costumes. Garments, as Incoming Me likes to say. Also remembering that anything can be a costume.
Next time I might…
Use a buffer phrase.
Often I find myself in situations that are uncomfortable for me, and I don’t say anything, because I can’t figure out how to word it in a way that doesn’t come across as angry or defensive.
I wait for the right words, they never come, and then weeks later I realize I’m still stewing over this, wishing I’d spoken up for myself.
There’s a list of buffer phrases I keep on my phone. I’d like to remember to look there.
And I’m adding a new one: “Can you tell me what just happened, from your perspective?” Or: “It seemed like X just happened. What was that about for you, I’m curious.”
That way I can gather intel which might help me decide how I want to respond.
And either way, I can still say, “Hey, I’m noticing that I feel uncomfortable right now.” That is never wrong.
Wait and get quiet.
Turn inward, take a red light, choose the pause.
This is related to last week’s wish about the yes of yes and the no of no.
Eight breaths for the hard, challenging and mysterious.
- Fear about a health thing that is probably fine. A breath for the pattern that says “Panic first!”, and for replacing it with Rest First, Safety First, Breathe First.
- You know what’s hard and amazing and beautiful and healing and also hard? Honesty. A breath for just speaking what needs to be spoken. Or in my case, writing it. How about: a breath for sharing what is true for me right now, and trusting that this will be okay.
- Paying the price for not taking care of myself, combined with frustration because I know that this is always the answer. It is so interesting and mysterious that I choose away from what I need (and like) the most. A breath for releasing.
- Dancer me doesn’t function well during Rally week. I mean, she gets to play like crazy during spirals which is the best. Social dancing though, I lose my center. A breath for paying attention to what I need.
- Making some big structural changes and some small symbolic ones. Mostly with work stuff but in all ways really. All of these shifts are good, and I am still noticing residual fear about how they will be received, how this will change me. A breath for deep trust.
- Receiving. That’s the quality for this month on the Fluent Self calendar of Salves (with the superpower of gracefully receiving gifts). This is something I really, really need to work on, and this week gave me many opportunities to meet my stuff about that. A breath for undoing and for letting in.
- I am hyper-aware of the times in which I am not speaking my truth. An incident at a dance this week for example. Something semi-creepy happened and I immediately went into some old, deep patterns, as evidenced by the fact that instead of standing up for myself, I smiled at the person whose behavior caused me discomfort. It’s like, in that moment all I want to do is placate and keep placating until I can get somewhere safe. So let’s make the safest of safe rooms for small scared me who learned this unsovereign behavior because she thought it would work best at the time. A breath for the process of remembering that Now is Not Then, and I can be brave and tell people what is not okay.
- Inhale, exhale. Goodbye (and thank you), mysteries and hard moments of this week.
Eight breaths of good, reassuring, delight-filled.
- My god what a spectacularly beautiful week, full of all kinds of completely unexpected treasure. A breath for the good, and for being able to see its shining goodness.
- Honesty can be sexy. Not sure how I did not know that before. A breath for discovering this and feeling what it is like.
- Receiving! I am working with this, and things are moving. Also this week involved an astonishing abundance of beautiful things to receive, so: bonus gift in the form of endless opportunities to practice! It feels so good, like breaking through a sensation of a tight dark place and feeling the sunshine on my face. A breath for happiness.
- At the Righting Retreat this week (which, by the way, is nothing short of breath-takingly amazing), I seeded the superpower of Good Surprises. You would not even believe how many high quality good surprises this week brought me, and how good they were. My favorite good surprise from this week was when the person I was missing — missing is a small word for that — cut his trip short by a whole week and came back to me. A breath for many invisible exclamation points, and for the pure pleasure of a Really Good Surprise.
- Gifts! At the last Rally (Rally!), my cover story aka proxy mission was that I was there to do a photo shoot called Wild And Free. So this week I’m at Rally Y aka Rally Why, and Foxy Jess was here. She of course knew nothing about my Wild And Free photo shoot from last time, and yet she brought me a gift in the form of a mug, and guess what it says? All Good Things Are Wild And Free. Another gift: sparkly pink nail polish from Agent Starlight (Natanya) that was a gem on a mission. So perfect! Another gift: The dance at the ballroom that I was so excited about fell through but I knew not to worry because I could feel that another gift was waiting in its place, and it was. A breath for all the things that are so right.
- Everything about the Righting Retreat has been magical. The costumes! The proxies! The epiphanies! Good grief. Not only did I get way more writing done than I ever imagined, I also got way more Righting done than I even knew was possible. The writing was sweet, the energy was intoxicating, the giggling was first class, the conducting was a delight. I loved everything about this week. A breath for joyful companionship with a seriously great group of people.
- Overwhelmed by sweetness, but in a really, really, really good way. I am bringing as much of me as possible to this experience, committing to openness and presence even when it feels raw and vulnerable, because it is right, and much to my surprise, I keep discovering entirely new depths of sweetness and stardust.
- Thankfulness. The Most Not-What-I-Want Wednesday transformed itself into The Most Magical Wednesday. Everything I put in the compass came true, and then some. I can’t stop smiling. Progress on the big projects at my house. We booked two more weddings at the ballroom, yay! Wise counsel from Incoming me. Lovely surprises. So many things are beautiful. Nothing is wrong. Now is not then. All Timing Is Right Timing. A full happy breath of deep appreciation in my thank-you heart.
WHAM BOOM! Operations completed.
Finished the latest Sip Hint Learn book (it is delicious, and now in editing mode, something to look forward to!), and am already deep into the next one. Operation 33 is holding steady. Looking forward to announcing my events for next year. Rewrote a page I didn’t like. Said some things that were hard, and all is okay. Wham Boom.
Revisiting some wise important words of truth from past-me.
This post called some thoughts on dealing with loss (April 2010) holds one of the simplest, sweetest and best techniques I know for presence.
Presence is magical, and it isn’t only useful for loss. It’s useful for everything. I used the naming caper from this post several times this week, and found it very helpful.
Superpowers!
Powers I had this week…
I had the superpowers of knowing my truth, surprising myself, and of [yes I will wear this blindingly hot dress to work because guess what I don’t need a reason or an occasion to be wildly outrageously expressive in the way that I want to in this moment].
I know.
Superpowers I want.
The power of acting on my knowing: clear, clean and immediate. And the power of I Do Not Apologize For My Idiosyncrasies!
The Salve of Wild And Free.
This salve does so many things at once.
As soon as it touches my skin, I begin to breathe more deeply. It’s a bit like finding yourself in a beautiful outdoor setting, and your whole body just kind of instantaneously resets itself. Your nervous system reorganizes and you notice that everything is quieter, calmer, steadier and more sparkly than it was before.
Or maybe it always was, except you weren’t.
There’s also this rush of energy, to me it feels a bit like gazelle state, or like springtime. I feel poised, ready, alive. I thrill at each new sensation. New ideas bubble up inside of me.
I have what I need for whatever adventure comes up. As Bryan says in the context of yoga, “this requires no more strength or flexibility than what you already have, come as you are”.
When I use the salve of Wild and Free, I soften into myself. I trust my wise body. I say no to all the bullshit expectations about how I should live, and I begin to follow my guided indicated desires and next steps.
If salve does not appeal, you can have this in tea form, as a bath, cocktail, whatever works for you. Not only is there enough salve, there are also enough ways to receive it.
Playing live at the meme beach house — the Fake Band of the Week!
This week’s band comes via Lucky Lola, and it’s called How About Tulips, they have this awesome song called Would You Like A Tulip, and I can’t really describe what they sound like, because they don’t sound like anything I’ve ever heard. As it turns out, this band is just one guy.
Attenzione! Attention, AGENTS.
While I was in my deep panic last week, I used what works best for me: the Emergency Calm Down Right Away techniques.
So I want to seed a reminder that this is a thing, and it helps, a lot. Not just with calming down in the moment but with building the kind of habits that allow you to change your relationship with whatever is scary or uncomfortable.
I hardly ever recommend these because the page is already many years old and needs rewriting. However, copywriting aside, this is still one of the best things I have ever made, by a lot. I have two boxes in my office full of the sweetest thank you notes from people, and so many of them are for this.
Bonus announcement!
This book of poems, why do you not have it? It’s called Measured Extravagance, a sexy, complex and intriguing combination of two of my favorite words.
How delicious is that phrase? It might have to be a new superpower. I will also take some extravagance on its own, as well as some measuring. I do love measuring. Acquire this book of poems, this is my suggestion.
Come play if you like…
Join me in the comments. Some of us share hard and good, some of us say hi, or maybe we’re on silent retreat. My ritual doesn’t have to be your ritual. Whatever works for you. Almost three hundred weeks of this and there still isn’t a right way.
Everyone belongs. We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. We don’t give advice.
Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.
p.s. It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — join in whenever you like, it’s no big deal. And I am blowing kisses to the Beloved Lurkers. I love that you are here too.
Oh! oh, thank you, Havi! I am so moved.
What worked?
The urge to revisit the full mudra from the Dissolve-o-Matic. While I couldn’t call up the specific steps right then, I ended up giving myself a face massage, and it felt soooooo good.
Next time?
Give things even more space.
Bricks instead of cardboard.
Superpower in da haus:
* Romping with Vancouver style! (And with CMOS and AMA and hybrids of this and that, too.) 🙂
Superpower, invited:
* De-shmutzer. De-clingifier. Hmm. Negotiator needed…
Hard:
* Ant vs. grasshopper angst
* So much ugly in sports + fandom. Heartsick.
* Cramps
Good:
* My sweetie. Extracting the bee from the dog’s paw is not something I would have wanted to deal with on my own.
* A dear friend embarked on a new mission. So happy for them!
* My new swim goggles. (Even before I realized I hadn’t removed the protective-promotional clingfilm from the lens — they fit and work that well.)
* Trash collectors. Modern plumbing. So many things making my life more comfortable.
How about them Tulips? 😀
With gratitude and warm wishes and big bouquets ~ @–|-
I have some bricks I don’t want anymore and have put them in a pile over there if you’d like to take them.
Thank you.
I *love* that salve.
Hard stuff: painful conversations, money worries, monster voices. I keep adjusting my crown and moving forward.
Good stuff: New clients! Satisfying singing! Writing and Righting at home! Remembering that I have a beautiful crown and that I get to be the queen of my world, even when it’s challenging! Steady, loving relationships with family and friends! Steady, loving relationship with *myself*!
I now invoke the superpower of Remembering That My Happiness Is Good For The World. <3
Oh this week. I am so grateful for today.
Hard things:
1. Found out we have lead in our yard. Well, really, found out that 3/4 places we tested do not have any lead. But one does. So: rage at human hurt to this planet, guilt for all the ways this lives in me, heartbreak at the separation I have to create from the sacred dirt surrounding me, shame about how big my emotions are, confusion about how to proceed…
2. Saying goodbye to a dream. Or rather, feeling the dream turn to glass inside you and shatter, then wondering what there is, outside this dream
3. Tuesday was my birthday, and I think it was the worst of my life. (I don’t have a clear memory of all of them, but this is my impression.) I spent most of it alone crying holding a screaming baby. I want a do-over. And maybe some deguiltified insight/peace about how one day became so laden with symbolism that it was possible to “ruin it.”
4. Doing a new thing that’s really different from the cultural norm, and having so much paranoia about it.
5. All the loud alarm bells. Figurative.
Good things:
1. The place where my dream shattered or appeared to shatter is a doorway to the next thing, and I have clarity that I want to and choose to move through this door. I also have grief, and I remember grief is okay. This is all very good.
2. Last night I thought: I want more easy socializing. Today, four separate hour+ social times, and I can’t really believe it because I’m not stressed and exhausted. Just happy.
3. There is no longer a TV in my living space! This was exactly the reconfiguration I needed, at exactly the right time.
4. This week I am feeling exceptionally okay with the whole “yep, I’ve got a beard and I don’t pluck it,” thing. Dressing up, going out. Being me. Bearded. Femme. Not bothering to connect those dots because they just are.
5. Watching my baby gleefully gleefully learn the word three. Three of everything! All threes all the time! The answer, of course, is three! Three three three. Three? Three!
6. Easy writing slipping into all my days.
7. Great things planned. Lots to look forward to.
8. Suddenly, all the leaves are falling and the wind is howling and the mornings are chilly and I’m thrilled. Autumn! Let’s plan a Halloween party! Let’s pull sweaters out of closets! Autumn!
oh darling Rhiannon–
i so get the “ruined birthday” and also “crying holding screaming baby”. Screaming baby is such a fresh hell. It Gets Better(tm).
This has been a week of — big things!
MrB had health drama over the weekend and about noon on Monday, he had to go to the ER. And I took time to finish my lunch before I followed the ambulance! This is big — I tend to be too tense to eat, and this time I was able to. I took care of myself in other ways too, such as taking a cushion for me to sit on, and walking over to a nearby supermarket to get fresh fruit in mid-afternoon.
I was able to make it to class in time to teach. Yay!
I started a group on FB for my students, something I’ve thought about before and finally figured out how to get it started. I’d like it to lead me eventually into some form of online teaching.
Speaking of online learning, I signed up for some course on FutureLearn — one, starting on September 29, is called Exploring Play. It’s a MOOC and it’s free.
I’m loving the feeling of being back in school, even though I don’t have to leave my house for class. The possibility of learning, the excitement of discovery, finding people who are interested in the same subjects and sharing ideas with them — I’ve missed that so much!
I’m on a new med that is exacerbating my sleeping problems, but I don’t feel draggy and tired, the way I often do when I don’t get to sleep.
I’m sort of priming the pump for a couple of other projects, and if That One goes well, it will change everything.
An FB friend posted about the GoldList method for learning languages and I reposted it and today I began a trial of it, and am looking forward to that.
Superpowers I love and want: Remembering That My Happiness Is Good For the World (thanks, Kathleen!) and the power of Acting On My Knowing (thank you, Havi) and, oh why not, the power of Not Apologizing For My Awesomeness.
Related to that last superpower, I saw a tee shirt that said Weird Is Rad.
What worked? Leaving the house and extroverting.
The Glorious:
I went to a writing group for the first time, nervously, and I wasn’t going to read but then I did. I read the first 2 pages before my throat closed up from nerves. At one sentence, one that I have worked and worked, there was a tiny audible gasp from my listeners. I made something that evoked a gasp. It feels like magic.
A new client yesterday, who I’ve known for a while because I helped her sister, and I thought she was just an ordinary person. But she turned out to be a millionaire scientist. A breath for all the things people can be.
Saying yes to a networking event (ugh, this desperately needs anagramming and shall hence for be known as an Evening Town Trek) and having a lovely time.
The Difficult:
Not very much.
The good
– dancing the rozsa and stripping the willow.
– never running out of people to dance with.
– everybody else got tired at about the same time as I did.
– I have such wonderful people in my life, and wonderful people being so very, very happy is such a wonderful thing. Crying with happiness.
– running into other wonderful people and hearing good news of yet more.
– the relief of being well again.
– a sausage dog in a bag (such beautiful ears!)
– cycling home with a herb planter in my bike basket and a shopping bag dangling from the handlebars. So damn Cambridge.
– showing up for splash choir auditions.
The hard
– a no that was not heard as such. Trusting but not trusting.
– the ongoing question of the bus diversion. Feeling as if I was extracting the michael, when I wasn’t trying to do that at all.
– shoes. Shoes that were not shoes.
– shutting off all my support mechanisms. Being able to see myself doing it, and not having the ?will-power to run them, even though I knew they would help if I could.
What worked
– giving thanks for people’s work every time I ate something. Or trying to, at least. (I am now giving retrospective thanks for the work that went into the cheese sandwich I ate for lunch.)
– the angels of the hours
– calling on the help of the Cockatrices and Wyverns Union
Clues:
– Bel Canto. Bel Canto was a good but I think it is also a clue.
There is a therapy Pomeranian who does rounds at a local children’s hospital. I find it impossible not to smile when I see his handsome head poking out of the duffel bag he rides around in.
Chiiiiickeeeen tiiiiime….
Hello
The mysteries….
* money spaciousness shrinking. Even though it’s only for a few months, I enjoy have a spacious feeling in relation to my money.
* germs, coughs, colds, crap sleep, oversleeping, rushing. Ugh.
* low energy makes every day feel like a failure to my Achiever Selves.
* releasing. Surrendering. Choosing gratitude and tenderness and opening.
* lonesome for a particular flavour of love and adoration and appreciation.
* grief. What was I *DOING* all those years?!?!? (The best I knew how, because: reasons. It’s okay. It’s okay it’s okay it’s okay. And it’s okay to feel that it’s not okay because it really does have a fairly high factor or suckage to it. Yes.)
The delightfuls…..
* feeling grounded in my truth. Caring much much less about what certain people will think or how they will react. Another layer of crap let go, that much more ME in the world. Consistently!
* I’ve got my own back, I am on my own team. Can I reiterate how profoundly wonderful and liberating this is??
* I can afford to love without expectation or requirement of reciprocation. Because this is overflow. And it feels great. My heart’s purpose is to love. When I love my heart gets to live it’s purpose. Yay.
* Spring is springing oh yes yes yes yes yes yes yes please yes.
* Project L is progressing. Project L, unbelievably but truly, happens to be a thing (thing!) that can hold me in my me-ness and my circumstances and feed me and *feed* me. SO GOOD.
* Embodying my Leo nature. Listening for the purr and following that.
* Silent retreat but omfg i didn’t know if it was a myth but it isn’t and woah! it IS that awesome. And I can DO it! woah!! yesssssssss!
* Beginning a new adventure tomorrow in learning how to read the compass. Transformations ahoy? Well, I’m up for that.
Loooooooooooove. xoxoxoxo
Happy sundsy morning–this is morning lke a leftover chicken sandwich.
this week was odd.
what worked this week: evidently, not giving a fuck. i suspect this is the last week i can play that card, though.
the sucks:
-disengaged. i can tell because i did things like miss the Pcon workshop deadline first round and i’m carrying pounds of paperwork in my briefcase
-i am churning thru stuff at work, but i am still not pushing thru rhere i need to, and i’m not on my game like i like to be.
-i’ve been Leveling Up lately, however the past couple week, i have pushed myself into tv-watching, processed-food-eatin slackness that i KNOW is pure reisstance.
-and i am not doing Best Practices fr dealing with resistance
-doing everythign except writing or painting
-i hate living in Bolivia some days, this week we had plenty. Yelling at llamas does no good. many breaths for shame and frustration and unsupport.
-a breath fr forgetting to breathe
-underwhelmed by current curricula at wizard school
-i’m fat. not loving my sacred vessel
-all the stuck and not-progress and resistance. feeling like i suck
-getting dissed on for my humble phone at PAGAN PRIde DAY. what?
-oh and it snowed on friday morning. and the first snowfall is alwasys kind of off and subdued and low energy and not awesome. knowing this does not prevent it, and it still cathces me off guard.
-being female on this planet
the sparkle:
-gorgeous weather, especially today! and yesterday
-Pagan Pride was nice. many treasures
-went to a Gnostic Mass. really cool, not my path, but very beautiful
-pushig myself to go out last night and the Mass was nice, but what really was astonishing was the lovely neighborhood and finding a RIVer with access and the huge cottonwood that held me up when i needed holding
-progress on Yellow Daisies
-intel on Operation Blacksmith which is a strange project, i believ it’s strictly intel for Orange Blossom Op.
-better at using my toold today
8/16 to 9/17
Haven’t chickened for a month? Hm.
Thanks to Max Daniels for the Self-care Menu. Food metaphors work well for me. Yum.
The Good – I have spent the last two days polishing the keys. I have closed and locked The ProfOrg “Treasurer $” door and will deliver the keys to the new Doorkeeper tomorrow. Oh, and since All Timing is Right Timing, there’s nothing wrong with the Last Minute.
Also, I am much better at being than I thought I was.
Also, Rally X was worth the money for the realization that The Quest can have No Discernable Purpose when examined by others. I do not have to do any of the things that People Do in Retirement and still have a successful retirement. I do not need A Plan. I can just be a retired person, or redefine and rename myself. Frequently.
Extreme Validation from the Rally.
Despite scheduling the Case of the Kaleidoscope Compass for this month, I’ve found myself playing with the metaphors in CruX, the play/skit I wrote at Rally X, and what they are revealing about The Quest. I send messages to myself using The Super Power of Extreme Metaphors. Thankfully, I have the entire Famous Fictional Detective Investigation Agency to help me decode the metaphors.
The car I drive decided that Scrapmobile was derogatory. It wants to be and is now The Adventuremobile.
The Gottas have had their portrait drawn. Although they’re Enforcers for King Anil, they report to The Fairy Godfather from Robert Asprin’s Skeeve and Aahz series.
The Itsa Notso Bad, Oddly – Redacted things caused by Sudden rearrangements which would have caused much anguish in the past are feeling less like a Drama and more like episodes of a Situation Comedy. They are definitely in the “we can so handle this” range, not the “Panic! Danger!” range.
The Hard – The heat! It’s so bad the Niggles refuse to use their energy to bother me about the Iguanas lying around. (I think they have a swimming pool.)
I have closed that door. I am choosing or creating the new Openings.
“I am much better at being than I thought I was.” <--- heart heart heart heart!