In which I cover the good stuff and the hard stuff in my week, trying for the non-preachy, non-annoying side of ritual and self-reflection.
And you get to join in if you feel like it.
Wow. I kind of don’t remember anything like this ever happening. Ever. Certainly not since I started chickening each Friday a hundred and seventy five weeks ago.
But I had a FANTASTIC week. To the point that all the good is just kind of blowing my mind right now. Usually I have to process the hard before getting to the point where I can remember good, but this week was all about the good.
Weird. Awesome-weird! I would not mind feeling this way more often!
The hard stuff
Some people are just not very nice.
I have (through learning stuff the hard way….) built my business and my systems over time in such a way that I hardly ever have to deal with people like this.
Or even know about them.
But there’s one of these people in the building where the Playground lives, and I am not willing to put up with mean people releasing the mean in all directions. I’m done.
So something about this is going to have to change. Fortunately I feel very capable right now. So even though I don’t know yet how this is going to work, it’s going to work.
I chose not to do a thing I’d really wanted to do.
It jus wasn’t the right time.
Sad me is mourning that. She’s having trouble turning the page.
I made her the best safe room ever, so now she is watching 80s movies and eating popcorn.
And writing a dramatic manifesto about how Everything Was Better Then, and sometimes she snickers to herself when she thinks of something funny.
Time! It keeps moving faster than I expect.
There is still a lot to get done (whatever that means) by the end of the month.
So I’m going to have to make some interesting decisions. Or plant some things for later.
We’ll see. Right now I’m too baffled by the fact that it’s already Friday.
Monday.
I have a Secret Rendezvous (special agent code for a “meeting”) on Monday.
It is something that I feel very excited about and hopeful for. I want it to go well! But but but. The monsters are throwing a giant What-iffery party inside my head.
So there is a little anxiety there that I’ll need to spend some time with.
Sore abs.
It’s all that bad-ass training I’ve been doing.
You know what hurts? Laughing. Please do not be funny unless you absolutely have to.
Kidding about that. Be as funny as you like. And don’t mind if I wince from the pain.
When caution is warranted but you kind of wish it wasn’t.
There’s someone I love very much who can be pretty ambivalent about my biggifying. It’s his stuff, and he’s allowed to have it.
But I have to remember to be very careful about how I present information to him.
The good stuff
Look at this picture of Andy and Selma!
Okay, so Kate was at the last Rally (Rally!). She’s amazing!
And she brought Andy.
Andy is a charming, well-traveled and highly photogenic fellow, and he and Selma hit it off marvelously.
Is this not the most adorable thing you have ever seen?
I am so strong right now. I am so at home right now.
I have energy. I have zooom coursing through my veins.
But not in a stressful way. Just a peaceful, grounded, ready here I am.
My body knows what it’s doing, and we are friends and we delight in hanging out, and we are making lots and lots of time for each other.
This is the thing I have been working and playing towards for the past several years. I’ve had it in bits and pieces, in spurts and hidden moments.
This week it was just there.
Giant progress! And a new gorgeous ritual that I love.
I had a massive epiphany (thank you, Shiva Nata) about how I treat my desires.
Specifically that I turn my gwishes into iguanas by leaving them hanging out in awkward places or hiding them until I process them (which then I don’t).
So instead I created a secret home for my wishings, and started decorating it.
I’m using a book technique that I learned from Joy.
Each gwish goes into a red envelope with a magic reminder-word on it.
With information about its qualities and superpowers. What Barrington says about why this wish is important and meaningful.
Once a week I choose one gwish and do some playing and processing around it.
The ones that are done go into orange envelopes, and those go into a special book.
They become reminders about types of wanting that used to scare me but don’t anymore! And I can also track what has changed as a result of wishing the wishes.
This is HUGE!
Speaking of wishes….
The thing I have been massively wanting (but terrified of because ohmygod it’s so great) since the day we moved into the Playground space is on the verge of coming true.
Clews and coincidences! .
Walking my usual walk to dance class, there was construction.
I decided that going around the block was not be a waste of time, because it would hold a clew for me. Just because.
There were three clues and then there it was. The EXACT thing I needed.
Then after my dance class, I went to visit R and she gave me an even better clew about the same thing. That information can help me get the thing much faster. Plus there is a secret rooftop deck, and that is another clew.
I’m sorry that I can’t tell you more about this, but just know that it’s all very tingly and exciting.
It’s a win-win-win-win-win. Win. Or something.
I ran into J, and it turns out that my secret plan that I can’t talk about is also good for her and also good for the other person that I was worried might not like it.
So basically the thing I want is good for everyone involved.
And everyone is FOR IT! They support me in wanting it.
The Floating Playground site is all ready after months of hard work.
And it is gorgeous.
More about that to come but for now just know that it is BEAUTIFUL.
Even more wishes coming true. All over the place.
Like asking you guys if anyone had Bryan’s Long, Slow & Deep CD, because it’s out of print and sells for fifteen hundred dollars now.
And Gaye did. She’s sending it to the Playground!
My number one partner-in-crime is on her way here too.
And everything is coming together.
Reflecting.
I have been reflecting on things, using words and images and collage-like bits.
The reflectings are smarter than me, and I am listening.
This is related to the thing I said last week (which is still true) about how setting expectations goes hand in hand with releasing expectations, and how when I do both, everything works.
Another epiphany!
Because the shivanautical zapping is just getting better.
Here it is:
Play keeps me present.
Work keeps me from being present.
I am sneakily inventing new ways to turn every aspect of my work into silly childlike exploration. Even when it seems like it will take longer.
It’s working. You should have seen me on Wednesday with my scepter and my elephant ears, getting stuff done like nobody’s business.
I have an Almanac and it is the best! Thing! Ever!
Thanks to Cairene who helped me realize that I needed to metaphor mouse the quarters of the year.
And now I am in love with next year. And tossing everything that is not congruent, even if it seems like a smart thing to do, business-wise.
Ohmygod. Congruence is EVEN BETTER than I’d imagined it would be.
I have been working on CONGRUENCE as my theme for the past month.
And I’d always imagined that congruence would feel very placid.
But now that it’s here, it’s actually blissful.
I’ve felt so incredibly happy about being alive this week. Aligned and peaceful and creative and trusting. It’s grounded, but it’s also so very sparkly.
The more I am playful, the more things fit. And the more things fit, the more I play. Like that. I am not explaining any of this very well, but be happy for me if you can. I am going to figure out what I know about this state, and we will bottle it! 🙂
The fun part of the Chickening happens here.
Tabstravaganza! Or: what’s Havi been up to with all those open Firefox tabs?
- Skate-aroke! It’s roller skating karaoke. Come on!
- This beautiful, honest and heartfelt post from my friend Michelle about divorce, pain and yoga.
- Hiro made a video of her poem and you should experience it. I love her voice so much and I could listen to her all day. Our business is the business of love.
- This interview with Scald Eagle, my favorite skater, all around amazing person and soon-to-be a shivanaut!
Okay, so I’ve mostly been reading derby-related stuff this week but that’s because I’m so excited about the new season starting, you guys.
From the archives.
Some old, weirdly pertinent posts that I don’t remember having written, encountered while looking for something else:
- Crumbling.
- Eleven and a half insights that changed everything I do.
- This one with the impossible name (Where’s Waldo? Inside of a Jack O Lantern wearing invisibility cloak love potion number nine, apparently). Yes.
Playing live at the meme beach house — it’s the Fake Band of the Week!
Background? Ez and I make up bands. Stu (retired Bolshevik-fearing voice-to-text software) once translated “people will hate me and be jealous” to “they’ll hang out at my Meme Beach House“. It’s just one guy.
This week’s band is brought to you by my iPhone not understanding the word glorrrrious.
Glitter Riots of Possibility
Though, of course, it’s really just one guy.
Hallo Hallo! I am saying Hallo Hallo. Announcement time.
Picture me wearing that crazy hat…
- Rally prices are going up at the end of the month. Most of the 2012 rallies are close to full. Seriously. Find a way. Come to a Rally (Rally!).
- If you’re planning on doing anything I teach next year, you’ll need the Art of Embarking.
- We are close to making an announcement about Shivanauticon! It’s crazy. But in the best possible way.
I think that’s everything? If not, I’ll add stuff to the Very Personal Ads over the weekend.
That’s it for me …
And of course you can join in my Friday ritual right here in the comments if you feel like it.
Yes? Anything hard and/or good happen in your week?
And, as always, have a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come. Shabbat shalom.
p.s. It’s okay if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — join in whenever (or not) and it’s no big deal.
Friday ritual: read post, click links, revisit last chicken to see what happened last week.
The Good:
The Friday night that I didn’t want to go out turned into the Best Walk Ever and the Most Laughingest Night With Wine in Which I Lost My Favorite Hat and Then Found It Again.
Yoga. Returning to the mat. Returning with my favorite teacher. Feeling my body remember what it can do.
Clients. Some of the best families ever this week.
Sleep. Such glorious sleep lately. 10 hours of it last night, which I attribute to the half hour I spent stretching on the floor while I watched re-runs of How I Met Your Mother (it’s Willow!)
Seeing a comment I made on VPA #75 and realizing that the thing I most feared last year at this time, never came to be. And that I resolved it otherwise and for everyone’s highest good. And feeling the lightness of not having that hanging over me as it had for so long. And remember the other Decembers that were a time of ending or leaving or fearing. And feeling peace with this one, and much joy.
Rearranging. I rearranged my space last week and love the gentle divisions and space that I now I have to lie on the floor and stretch on a rug.
The Hard.
There was that one day, but it passed.
Hello! Hello! You say goodbye, I say Hello!
okay, whatever, I’ve had that song in my head … it is a real song right? Not made up-ness?
Anyway:
***The Hard***
– I bought all this stuff for fish junior to recover from his (seemingly) swim bladder disorder, but he died anyway. Poor fish. he got a big bowl and a heater because it is cold in the office… but before I could set up the heater he died… 🙁
– Having to call in to finish my essay, I really don’t like calling in to work.
– trying to avoid being sick. Sick people should not come to work and spread their contagions. Just saying.
– money monsters about the credit card debt we managed to rack up last month… OMG I still cannot believe how much we spent on black Friday.
***The Good***
– gratitude journal thing I installed on my new phone is totally awesome. Also, the fact that I can set an alarm/timer with a harp to end it has led to mini-mediatation at lunch time.
– finishing the essay on the day I called in for it – and turning it in. Also, taking time to myself in quiet spaces to work on the essay. Hello Starbucks (which I had a mysterious $10 gift card for!)and hello Steven being appraising all day. Also, Steven took me to lunch when my brain died on Tuesday when I called in and was stalled on my essay, and it was just the thing I needed to get going again.
– finally revisted my blog this week, I’d abandoned it since thanksgiving, and got a comment in less than an hour after posting (!)
– consistency in my P90X-ing.
– wrote some flash fiction, which had also been abandoned in favor of finals essays and college applications.
– college applications are almost ready. I just have to edit down my Statement of Purpose by a hundred-some-odd words, and then it is done. Doneso I tell you 🙂
Oh my gosh! Andy’s so excited to be in the Chicken! He totally loves your description of him! And he misses Selma very much! Kisses to her!
My chickening will have to wait for later since today is busy like the rest of the week has been – which is part of the good of this week! That and Andy’s photo with Selma, which is the best of this week! 🙂
I think I haven’t chickened in three weeks and boy is there sooooo much hard:
A very favorite person was sick and then got more sick and almost died and we aren’t sure whether she will recover and I didn’t know if it was an appropriate thing to write here, or if it will trigger some people (and thus be inappropriate. obviously I decided in favor of writing and hope that is ok).
And then a friend decided to take the chance and cure me of the fears of loss and aloneness he perceived in me, when I never ever want unasked advice and would have much preferred some comforting. Also he was a condescending smug dipshit about it.
I decided to accept that this was the last straw and that that friend is no longer a friend. So much sad about that. I also didn’t tell him, but just blocked him on Skype. I feel guilty about that.
All my other worries are still unresolved, like the one about employment and the one about being poor and not having any resources. Part of which are certainly monsters but it’s really hard to disentangle that stuff right now. I just wish there wasn’t so much urgency in these worries.
Also an offer of help I decided to accept turned out to be made by a very flakey person and I am angry about having opened up to that person.
And then I asked for support form someone that is supposed to support me and didn’t get it. This was in a professional capacity and now I feel like terminating the relationship because I want it to be full of trust even if it is a professional relationship. (Why I would have a different measure for a prof. relationship is unclear)
BUT there were some shining lights in all this dark hard stuff:
Like my family that just rocks so hard and for once overcame all differences and egotisms and just stuck together to comfort each other in dealing/grieving for the situation of the very favorite person.
Like my sweetheart especially who rose to the occasion and has been a rock of support and practicality.
And my friend that is so sovereign and just listens when listening is needed and had 1,5 h phone time for me and I felt a lot better afterwards.
And yoga. Doing yoga in a tradition means I can just go find a studio in that tradition in any city and I can follow along and feel at home and comforted.
I do think there is some kind of electric celestial hum of awesomeness going around this week, because I feel it too! There are massive piles of good and the hard feels kind of minimal and unimportant, by comparison.
Here’s my chickeny chicken 🙂
Hard things
– Fears about time (not enough)
– Not quite enough sleep
– The sadness that comes from seeing lack of congruence (congruence!) and not being able to fix it right away
– Feeling separate from my friends and not sure about what it means or how to fix it
– The minor knee injury
Good things!
+ Unlikely days off from work!
+ Delicious naps
+ Roasted brussel sprouts lordy lordy
+ Discovering that I had plenty of time for the important stuff, and that Past Me had actually done a lot of awesome work before Thanksgiving to get ready for this time (good job Past Me! Thank you!)
+ Getting things fixed in the house
+ A new dining room table! After four years!!!!
+ Running my two-miles-before-bed and getting faster
+ Connection
+ Celebration
+ Ease and recovery
+ Feeling of just *knowing* that is peaceful
+ This awesome thing yesterday where I chatted with the lovely Simone about stuff and it was helpful to her! And we giggled and it was so fun! And I planted this tiny gwishing thing that I knew and yet didn’t know was hiding under the surface: I wish that was my job.
+ Realizing that, with the right balance and preparation, two and a half days of work is exactly right.
Friday kisses to all! xoxo
Hott diggity, Havi! I am dancing around for all your good. There is nothing I love more than seeing the people I adore feeling splendid and zoom-ey and able to be their best selves. So, because I adore you, I am SO delighted your week was wonderful. DELIGHT! Thank you for sharing yours.
The hard: Ew. I had a *most* unpleasant interaction with a bully this week. It tainted things. I am still very much processing it, and only now starting to recover from it.
The good: I STOOD UP FOR MYSELF to the bully!!! That was a very new, miraculous thing for me. Didn’t think I could ever do it. But I did, and now I feel slightly more inclined to do more standing up for myself, because I’m standing much taller as a result. More good: One of my favorite people has been staying with me all week, and this was unexpected! It’s marvelous. Also, I’ve been receiving lots of recognition for my coaching work, and it feels good to receive it and be thankful for it and know that doing what I love is good for everyone involved.
Sending everyone weekends full of happy.
Hard:
* bronchitis
* clutter
* Damoclean deadlines
* expectations
Good:
* progress on the projects
* current laptop has way better search function than my old one
* plans for a proper Saturday off
Wishing everyone help with the hard stuff and congratulations on the good. Shabbat shalom, y’all.
I was so confused when I saw this in my reader because it just *can’t* be Friday, can it?
The Hard
– Neck still hurts. Arms still hurt.
– Birthdays are difficult. Even when they’re other people’s birthdays.
– Monsters DO NOT want me to be seen. And I forget how strongly they feel about that until I get any publicity at all.
– Too much internet overwhelm.
– This month is moving so fast! Oh my gosh…so much to do.
– Party this weekend that I don’t want to host. Or even attend. But somehow I’m doing it. 🙁
The Good
– So much energy! Every day I get tons done, even with rest breaks.
– Several very big Shivanautical epiphanies. Huge huge huge progress.
– Pain is getting better! It’s very heartening.
– I got the gentleman two Buttmonsters for his birthday and he was SO EXCITED!
– All the sudden it’s easy to sleep. Which it hasn’t been since I met the gentleman. I’m not even sure what happened, but I like it.
Hello, Friday!
This week’s hard:
– Feeling slow, syrupy, inertialike most of the week.
– I really, really miss my yoga teacher.
– Something innocuous hit me in a really weird way and led to a weird reaction that made my poor sweetie feel bad, even after I explained that it was just a weird reaction and we’re perfectly fine. And then I felt bad for unintentionally making him feel bad. Some of my emotions are wired in really strange ways.
– Ants! In my kitchen cabinet! In December! WTF?
This week’s good:
– Finally got back to the gym. It really helps. I need to remember this.
– Broke through the syrup yesterday afternoon and have been getting tons of stuff done.
– Progress on some stuff I’ve been working on for a long time.
– Learned that a giant project has been delayed, which will give me a leisurely last two weeks of December — time to catch up on movies and books and play in the studio.
Happy Friday, Chickeneers!
Yay Havi! So excited for your amazing week!
There were some awesome highlight-points this week, and yet it felt blaahghargh… hmmm.
Hard:
-maybe i’m just gaining consciousness of the avoidance that is happening when i get sucked into the computer – but so much of it happens!!! suck suck suck schlluurrrrrrpp
-i could. not. write. this week. couldn’t look at notebooks, markers, pens… eek! how can i process without writing? 100 genius thoughts ‘wasted’ and guilt and what?
-broke 3-month streak of chickening every night. completely. maybe the habit needs to change to be more supportive and helpful?
-sooo much sugar at the random temping. so little willpower towards it. ate absurd amounts of candy.
Good:
-ROLLER DERBY! i did it! went to the intro class, got there early (key) to get nice rental skates, and i can DOOO it! fastfastfast and kind-of stopping – and i learned i LIKE blocking, unexpectedly, and i won queen of the rink! (i shall watch that like a tiger for the formation of patterns, for i distrust myself around accomplishments. like they’ll make me unable to work hard in the future)
-AND A JOBZ!!! gots a good one! and it’s teaching,
-And i totally GOT the stoopid epiphany that it doesn’t matter WHAT i’m teaching/doing, i will still _actually_ be teaching/doing the thing i want to be… feels HUGE 🙂
-Sarcastic(sad) old self that was forever bitter about absurdly good SAT/ACT scores – never told anyone about them cause they’d hate me and never made anything at all easier… finally did me some good! (teaching job is ACT/SAT prep)
-nourishing readings. aaaaahhhh. real books.
-ooo. started taking thyroid pills after (senselessly!) not taking them for a few months… for worry of them running out(?). Coincidence or not, I feel more vital :P. yay pills, yay stopping very sneaky subtle slow symptoms.
there! feeling much better about the week. happy friday!
Havi, Havi, Havi… I want to put a bunch of exclamation marks after each repetition of your name!
I will chicken later; I just took a moment to read the blog and I’m so happy for you. Hot Diggety indeed! Also wow and lots of other happy excited exclamations.
I’m going to bookmark this post so I can come back to it and be reminded of the happiness I feel from reading what you’ve written.
Good day, chickeneers!
Omigoodness – I have never seen a more ecstatic duck. Yay!
I’m back and ready to chicken!
The hard:
– Pain — but it’s better than it has been.
– MrB has begun his annual withdrawal. He gets cold so easily; he stays in his den with the door shut to trap the heat. The den is about 10 degrees warmer than the rest of the house, and he still huddles under afghans.
– Needing more sleep than I’m getting.
The Good:
+ Energy! Even when short on sleep, I have more energy than I’ve had in a long time!
+ Ideas!
+ Things to look forward to! A trip next weekend with one sister, a gathering of friends tomorrow.
+ Progress in dealing with some iguanas.
+ Reading some things that were helpful to me — clews and comforting reminders both.
+ Lunch with my other sister.
+ Something that’s been on my mind and MrB brought it up and we made a plan about it.
+ Brighter mood. Credit to the internal work I’ve been doing, the helpful readings, and to resuming the “M&M treatment”, which I stopped months ago because of the caffeine. Other forms of chocolate just don’t work for me.
+ Good books by favorite writers and time to read time. If I lie on the couch I can look up from the page and see, through the big window, gumballs dancing on the branches of the sweet gum tree — it’s restfully mesmerizing.
I’m feeling really good about this week, and it’s great to see that so many others do too. I was touched by some of the things I read, about the hard and about the good.
@ Miss P: “I didn’t know if it was an appropriate thing to write here, or if it will trigger some people”.
It is TOTALLY okay to write about it. We remember that everyone has their stuff — and that means we get to have our stuff too — and since that is part of what you’re dealing with right now, you get to own it, talk about it, whatever feels right to you. And if it triggers something for someone else, that person has the sovereignty to deal with it in the way that works for them. So sorry about the people who made things harder for you — I’m glad that your family and friend were able to support you.
Cheers, chickeneers!
I’ve missed so many of these and I’ve actually been struggling to remember my week; thus now things are calm I am invoking the Chicken.
The Hard Stuff
– Deadlines! Three of them, ARGH!
– Lack of communication between the Uni lecturer forums and me… panicking over whether I’d understood for two days is not fun.
– I had misunderstood, had to re-do some stuff.
– Absolutely exhausted.
– Weird dreams.. like if the elephant lets go of that £5 note in its trunk, the world will end. An entire night of fretting and worrying and watching. Tired.
– Not finding time to blog or read
– Hearing myself moan and complain about things that I thought didn’t matter to me or to anyone else… feeling guilty/confused by my own behaviour.
The Good Stuff
– Term ended today. Four weeks off, commence! ^_^
– Gamed a lot yesterday and today. Feeling more myself.
– Going to read tonight, very excited.
– Got my work finished in time.
– Some really smooth “has to be fate” kind of moments
– I was so productive!! Where WAS my procrastination this week? Thank you so much for going on holiday 🙂
– Going home and seeing my cat tomorrow after 13 weeks away <3
– Finding got a mailing list and fixed up the online library at my blog ^~^
That's me, and because of some awesome but odd conditioning, I've just remembered your reminder in a VPA weeks back about lip-gloss. I need to put some on 🙂
Have a fabulous week/end all and thank you for providing this space Havi and Selma 🙂
Some people are just not very nice.
I have (through learning stuff the hard way….) built my business and my systems over time in such a way that I hardly ever have to deal with people like this.
Or even know about them.
But there’s one of these people in the building where the Playground lives, and I am not willing to put up with mean people releasing the mean in all directions. I’m done.
So something about this is going to have to change. Fortunately I feel very capable right now. So even though I don’t know yet how this is going to work, it’s going to work.
I chose not to do a thing I’d really wanted to do.
It jus wasn’t the right time.
Sad me is mourning that. She’s having trouble turning the page.
I made her the best safe room ever, so now she is watching 80s movies and eating popcorn.
And writing a dramatic manifesto about how Everything Was Better Then, and sometimes she snickers to herself when she thinks of something funny.
Time! It keeps moving faster than I expect.
There is still a lot to get done (whatever that means) by the end of the month.
So I’m going to have to make some interesting decisions. Or plant some things for later.
We’ll see. Right now I’m too baffled by the fact that it’s already Friday.
Monday.
I have a Secret Rendezvous (special agent code for a “meeting”) on Monday.
It is something that I feel very excited about and hopeful for. I want it to go well! But but but. The monsters are throwing a giant What-iffery party inside my head.
So there is a little anxiety there that I’ll need to spend some time with.
Sore abs.
It’s all that bad-ass training I’ve been doing.
You know what hurts? Laughing. Please do not be funny unless you absolutely have to.
Kidding about that. Be as funny as you like. And don’t mind if I wince from the pain.
When caution is warranted but you kind of wish it wasn’t.
There’s someone I love very much who can be pretty ambivalent about my biggifying. It’s his stuff, and he’s allowed to have it.
But I have to remember to be very careful about how I present information to him.
The good stuff
Look at this picture of Andy and Selma!
Okay, so Kate was at the last Rally (Rally!). She’s amazing!
And she brought Andy.
Andy is a charming, well-traveled and highly photogenic fellow, and he and Selma hit it off marvelously.
Is this not the most adorable thing you have ever seen?
I am so strong right now. I am so at home right now.
I have energy. I have zooom coursing through my veins.
But not in a stressful way. Just a peaceful, grounded, ready here I am.
My body knows what it’s doing, and we are friends and we delight in hanging out, and we are making lots and lots of time for each other.
This is the thing I have been working and playing towards for the past several years. I’ve had it in bits and pieces, in spurts and hidden moments.
This week it was just there.
Hot Diggity it’s Friday !!!
Let’s dig right in
*** The Hard ***
– a mean comment by a coworker – and all the hurt it triggered. feeling like i will never find the assertiveness simply to stand up for myself in a work environment and say ‘this is what I am working on and its good enough’
– a difficult conversation between two people not getting along and me mediating and caring. but i can’t be there right now. i have done so much mediating and caring. i need to find back the conversation with myself first.
– feeling stuck in work (turns out i was wrong but the stuck was there for a while)
– not having inspiration or ideas for a student. feeling guilty but mostly so uninspired for another round of teaching basic research with students that mostly forget what you say.
– an appointment i didn’t really want to make happened. i want blanket forts but sometimes planning secretary gets overzealous and plans things before i notice.
– a quick peek into my abandoned Frolicsome Bar – I don’t need to go back there right now.
*** The Good ***
– a new sense of timelessness. yay! it’s friday but it’s also a space for me to be less demanding on myself and not worry about losing hours so much
– I thought I made a huge mistake in my data work before I realized I didn’t. Mwahahahaaaaa
– Time with friends – movies and board games and all kinds of sillyness. remembering being a student, remembering having time (again!)
– Booking a Much Desired Backpack Traveling Trip and realizing how feasible it all is despite my own objections
*** Moving some stuff on to the VPA’s ***
(aka message to slightly future self)
– i want time time time and playing – can you VPA about it ? also also also! more of this lightheartedness. yes! and lots of setting it up and preparing.
– no going back into the frolicsome bar. no appointments whatsoever. no mediating or caring for things too much.
– more time in the batcave to let little projects simmer.
Friday, finally. Another long exhausting week.
The Hard:
– Long days, long nights at work. The semester is not quite over yet
– Too many meetings. Too much on my todo list. My inboxes (yes, I have multiple accounts) are positively scary.
– Physical exhaustion
– Much anxiety as I feel like I will never get my head above water and get working on my dissertation again
The Good:
+ LOVE my new mattress pad – the shoulder pain that would me wake me in the middle of the night is GONE!
+ Interviewed the original director of our program. He is the stuff of legends. I had never met him before but the opportunity arose and I seized it! Very enjoyable 2 hours spent.
+ Two strangers at the health club complimented me on my recent weight loss. Down 32 pounds since June and I can move so much easier!
+ Feeling good enough that I can tackle hour long bouts on the treadmill that leave me drenched in sweat. Oh, the shower afterward feels SO GOOD! I have not worked out this intensely in several years.
+ Only 1 more week of the semester to go!
Hot diggity Havi!
And I’m going to sigh-lent retreat for now.
See you later chooks. xoxo
But no I don’t WANT to because that is just a very old fucking trick of my stupid stupid Very Clever Brain and keeps me in the stuckness. Which is so BORING it is ridiculous.
AND in fact I’m not even going to chicken just going to go and LIVE my goddamn LIFE for the first time in weeks without ANALYSING THE SHIT OUT OF IT.
chatchatchatchatcircularchat yeah THANKS mind, I’m pushing you out of the driver’s seat again and who CARES if you don’t KNOW “who I am”. You don’t HAVE to. It appears that I continue to EXIST even if you don’t have WORDS around an answer to that question so maybe you could give me a break from trying to answer it and let me go and BE whatever the fuck I am and then we’ll all end up finding out. Mayhaps? Actually I don’t care if you agree with me I’m just going to go and do it because you are BORING me.
Cheers Chickeneers!
The Hard:
– the rush of the end of the semester
– dysfunctional committee emails
– stabbing knee pain for no apparent reason
The Good:
– remembering to pause
– winter beers
– the guy that broke into my office (several times) at the end of summer has been charged with 2 counts of burglary and I get to write a letter explaining the restitution that I want before he is sentenced
Havi
Love following the chicken and hard for me to type these days.
And wanted to tell you that I have Long Slow and Deep – haven’t thought about it for a long time but thanks for mentioning it as I’ll revisit it.
Wishing you so much love always.
See also The Difference Between Grinding Wheels and Destuckifying at http://fluentself.com//blog/stuckification/the-difference-between-grinding-wheels-and-not-grinding-wheels/
And even though Havi says we’re not in a rush about switching from one to the other in the comment zen, have to say that right this minute I kind of am…. maybe like a rubber band of Puzzle-Occupied-Brain-Induced-Lying-On-The-Couch-ness has snapped and my body is going oh-my-god-at-LAST and the slightly manic energy will subside soon?
GAH!! Again, with the questions!!!
Who knows???!! Who needs to know?? Me? NO!!! You know why? Because we’ll find out ANYWAY even if I don’t know the answer BEFOREHAND! (Why does this feel like such a revelation? I mean, seriously, DUUUUH…… Man, I HAAATE feeling stoopid….)
Wow, this week was a blur for some reason. What can I remember?
Hard:
–My sweetie has been having terrible toothaches.
–My daughter has been having some tough stuff happening at school. My heart goes out to her. My own middle school years were fairly brutal.
–Again with the iguanas. The same iguanas. Some I have put to bed, yes, but some of the bigger ones just keep getting bigger.
–The aftermath of a cold has made singing difficult. That’s always so frustrating for me.
Good:
—Lots of creative energy. Projects galore! I am an artist!
–Taking time for rest when I feel the need; giving myself permission.
–Noticing that I’m less inclined to get engulfed by other people’s emotional upsets.
–New connections and potential friendships.
All in all, I feel that I’m in a good place right now, and it’s thrilling. Hot diggity, indeed!
I’m Saturday-chickening
The good:
+You know what I LOVE? Smart people. Smart people who are insightful and loving and force-fielded. Smart people like JESSE! and phone-ing them and bugging them and giggling!
+ the universe sending me the most random and unexpected yet unmistakable signs about what it wants me to do. Wow. Okay.
+ Some out-of-the-world amazing hipgnosis sessions with beta-clients and client-clients. Confidence. The “hell yeahhhh” feelings. The outrageous love I feel for my clients and what I do.
+ My teacher being a heart-meltingly wonderful human being. And finding out about it again.
+ Twitter and facebooks when it connects me to magic.
+ I will have GRADUATED by this time next week HELLYES
+ spouse-person got a one-year extension of his appointment which means we are not homeless next year!
+ The friend who tells me stuff like, “sweetie, you can tell me stuff like this. This is a no shame zone. Got it?”
+ Dreams growing. Gwishes flowering. The universe responding. Me dancing.
+ The tentative return of morning yoga!!!! dun dun dunnnn!
The hard:
+ Job-related stuff. Ack. Ick. And the one really hard thing that happened this week.
+ Feeling kinda stuck about this one client.
+ When I confused ‘stuff’ with ‘stuff’ and forget to elevator-shaft what’s not mine.
+ The wall of shame. it visited me a LOT this week. I had forgotten about it/had it dissolved for a while but I came upon it again and I was startled and saddened by it.
+ New gmail. Ew!
Love to Havi, Selma, all commenter-mice and lurker-mice and, really, everybody.
It’s Chicken Chicken Chickenin’ time!
HARD stuff:
-[Hole In The Bucket]
-[The Ship was mean to My Baby]
-feeling miserable about [that] and not feeling able to speak up
-not being able to get [my new shiny thing] to work
-ass-kicking depression, bluh bluh bluhhhh
-trying to at least stop [doing a thing] just long enough to get through [thing that is incompatible with the thing]
-getting Chopped Up from Processing
-trying to recalibrate my sleep schedule and having it backfire hardcore
-anxiety about The Call
GOOD stuff:
-another AWESOME REHEARSAL
-LOTS of good journaling this week
-practiced the guitar every day
-CHOCOLATE CHIP PUMPKIN MUFFINS
-Lentils, literal and metaphorical
-a lot of good Hiding
-courageously telling more people about The Bus
-The Call (+shaking +flow +dancing trees)
-knitting a lot!
-Star Trek!
-TEA!!
-Shiva Nata (almost every day!)
-laughing at myself (the more I practice, the better I get at it!)
Annnnnd…my Fake Band of the Week is: The Punktuation Cymbals!