In which I cover the good stuff and the hard stuff in my week, trying for the non-preachy, non-annoying side of ritual and self-reflection.
And you get to join in if you feel like it.
Oh, Friday.
It seems like there’s not a whole lot to say other than “I spent 99.9% of this week crying my eyes out.”
But this form exists for a reason, so let’s see what it holds.
The hard stuff
The crying. The crying. The crying.
I could not stop crying this week.
It’s a miracle I didn’t completely dehydrate.
Basically anything that started ended in tears.
I cried during work, I cried during massage, I cried while walking home, I cried on the bus. And then more crying.
That was the week, basically.
And I can’t even blame hormonal craziness this time.
Overwhelmed, scared, frustrated, anxious.
And then more of that.
Here are some things I cried over.
Not knowing what to do.
Not knowing how to do it.
Not knowing who to ask.
Remembering then.
Still being in pain from then.
Still overwhelmed by how much pain from then.
Also I cried about Dancing with the Stars.
Yes, Dancing with the Stars. Which I have only seen once, and I turned the sound turned off because the concept of people submitting themselves to judgment is too painful to bear.
I cried about how I really just want to be dancing. All the time. Why am I not dancing? What am I doing when I’m not dancing?
And about dead dreams. And watching such beautiful, present, radiant people deflating under someone else’s view of who they are, when who they are is so AMAZING.
I cried about how much I loathe Facebook.
And about people being awful.
But mainly I cried because the thing I am doing right now in my business/es is so completely beyond what is familiar to me.
Getting locked out.
For four incredibly long hours.
Except that I didn’t know it was that long because locked in, in addition to my keys, were my phone and wallet and jacket and everything else.
In the end I had to walk thirty minutes in the cold and rain, in three inch heels, to get somewhere for help.
Crying all the way, of course, because why would I stop crying this week.
PTSD.
I don’t have anything to say about that, other than that it’s horrible and I don’t wish it on anyone.
Not having help and support.
Or perceiving that I don’t have help and support.
The good stuff
I finally figured out what I was crying about.
Or really: who I was crying for.
It’s a sad, scared self from then: me from several years ago. And she didn’t get to cry at the time.
It turns out there is a lot of grief in there. And once I realized what the tears were for, the whole Week of Crying seemed a lot less drastic/awful.
Help arrived.
I got help from Chuck and help from Cairene and help from Wally. And Carolyn.
Yoga.
Yoga was everything this week.
Which might be the thing that was reminding me so much of then, when yoga was the absolutely ONLY thing I had.
But it helped. Breathing and moving and stillness.
I have tools!
I have so many tools.
And this week I used everything. Everything I’ve written about here. The stuff I teach at Crossing the Line. The emergency calming techniques (which were a godsend). Shiva Nata. All of it.
Especially: everything I’ve learned, experienced and internalized at Rally (Rally!), which is where techniques come home and land deep.
Thank goodness for tools.
Costumes.
Lots of costumes.
Perfect simple solutions.
They exist.
Pesach. Tonight. Freedom.
Even though this holiday can be a serious pain, and I have not been enjoying the extra workload this week, I’m glad it’s here.
Freedom. Freedom. Freedom.
The fun part of the Chickening happens here.
Tabstravaganza! Or: what’s Havi been up to with all those open Firefox tabs?
- Via @spiralshannon, this wonderful piece about why costumes help
- Dear Imaginary Band Names
- I want this skirt
Playing live at the meme beach house — it’s the Fake Band of the Week!
Background? Ez and I make up bands. Stu (retired Bolshevik-fearing voice-to-text software) once translated “people will hate me and be jealous” to “they’ll hang out at my Meme Beach House“. It’s just one guy.
This week’s band:
Nobody’s Muffin
Though, of course, it’s really just one guy.
Hallo Hallo! I am saying Hallo Hallo. Announcement time.
Picture me wearing that crazy hat…
Point 1. Rally (Rally!) is the most amazing thing in the world.
Point 2. They’re about to end though because running the giant Playground complex that is Stompopolis requires my full-time attention.
There are four more Rallies this year. There will be two next year (but one is for Floop members, so really only one public one). And that’s it.
So come to Rally. It will change everything in your life and turn things all magic-ey.
That’s it for me …
Join my Friday ritual in the comments if you feel like it. Or call silent retreat!
We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. And we don’t give advice (unless people specifically ask for it).
Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.
Shabbat shalom. And chag sameach..
p.s. It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — join in whenever (or not) and it’s no big deal.
Follow
Hmmm. Nobody’s muffin. I had a very unusual experience with a muffin today. I will write about it. Later. For now, hmmmm. Noticing the coincidence.
I thought it would be hard, but it wasn’t. It was amazing!
Cancelled an appointment on Wednesday afternoon just to get space in my calendar. This is the first time in my life, I believe, that doing so did not cause guilt. It felt SO SOVEREIGN. I am high-fiving myself for getting off the mule train. Yay!
It was a bit difficult
I had a lot of kids underfoot this week. These are not toddlers, but all either adults or near enough. I am still up for the title bout in the Worst Mother Dustups, but I kinda want to find a way to get more alone time in my own house. Because while I spend a lot of time out there and loving it, I have my introvert homebody moments. And I want to accommodate Introvert Homebody when she shows up. Because: MY HOUSE, dadgummit!
I took a written exam for a coaching certification. I kind of hate the whole notion of certification altogether, and the last thing I feel a need for is another credential. It feels… um, cheesy, kinda. But membership has its benefits, so I did it.
I thought it would be good, and it was!
My spiritual home, Burdick’s Chocolate. I went there for lonche today. It was just how I like Friday lonche to be.
It has been unimaginably easy
Adding little treats to my life. Used to be hard, now it’s easy. Bought some fiction for the Kindle and am knitting again and best of all reading the advance copy of a friend’s new novel. I am glorying in all this.
Oh Havi. Sending love for the tears and the hard. What. A. Week. So much bigness and recovery from the bigness.
Okay, a chickening of my own week…
Hard parts
The zombie drive on Monday. Ouch my brain. And not getting to be in the sunshine on the one super nice day, feeling left out.
Related to zombie drive, feeling like the conference was only partly helpful. Resentment. Feeling sonically and visually assaulted by the pentecostal-style speaker at the last session. Perceived lack of nutrition support (even though I wasn’t actually hungry) because there was no vegetarian entree at the lunch.
Incredible pain and silence and fear at a bad bad bad meeting on Tuesday. Wanting to run away and also to set things on fire afterward and having SO MANY FEELINGS to process. Oy.
Missing the Sephardic songs performance. Having it call up the raft of pain that is “why do I live so far from where I want to live right now.”
Starting the week off with a really hard conversation…I’d almost forgotten about this but wow, hard.
Liza’s last day. Not getting to hug here because of the busy-ness.
Shoes thrown at the scholarship luncheon. Why oh why.
Perceived shoe, in a completely different situation at work, calling up my stuff with regards to a certain person.
Good things
That brownie at the conference. Mmmmmmm.
Going to the conference and learning things. The research session on the mascot issue which led to actually writing my letter about it, today! Hooray.
Being in Grand Ronde was magical. Visiting another sovereign land! There was an audible hum when I arrived, its own resonance, and that was really cool.
The Deguiltified Chicken Board! It worked some serious magic yesterday, helped me get through the overwhelm and avoidance.
I led a class full of teachers for 3 hours Thursday night and they thought I was pretty awesome. Interactive, inquiry-based learning. I can do that! That was a really good feeling.
Getting to have that hard conversation on Sunday, because it was an important step, despite the hard. Practicing the hard stuff as the first step.
Feeling stronger and more at home, more sovereign, in my body this week.
Excitements about the Sunday brunch thing we are hosting! With bloody marys and my first bundt cake!
Thrifting luck!
Starting a conversation about standing desks in the office, and getting lots of clarity (thanks OOD! thanks Floop!) on what I want and why this is important way way way beyond “a better desk.” Excitements about Playgroundifying part of my workspace, too.
A short Friday, so I can go home and chillax with my daughter and my nephew, who will hopefully be adorable and not psycho monsters. Being in a good enough mood that this is actually an exciting idea, rather than a daunting responsibility.
.
A very peaceful Friday to all and sundry. I’m going to be thinking a lot about the air of Pesach and Freedom in the world tonight, and wishing shabbat shalom to everyone who celebrates or who just likes to reach out and feel that air, like I do. xo
Hard:
* things not fitting. including underwear. ugh.
* things not happening
* allergy ooks and aches
* gym class flashbacks
* major health crises among multiple friends
Good:
* winning a poetry contest
* friend’s work appearing on cover of local alternazine
* surge of incoming work
* feeling useful and helpful
* lotsahelpinghands dot com. online care coordination FTW!
* good, kind teachers
Rushing to class now. Shabbat shalom, chag pesach sameach, and happy seed-plantings!
Happy Friday wave to all! Today it feels like it should indeed be Friday.
Tough–
-saying good bye to visiting friends. sigh.
-re-org at work = uncomfortable adjustments
-hip pain last weekend = shortened dance class
-being busy, having to say no and it being sooo hard.
-more physical pain
-information overload of many types.
Excellent–
+Friends visiting with dog were awesome
+charming weather with lots of sun
+so much happening with ease — volunteering and shopping and
+day off mid-week treat
+waterfall running again with that awesome sound
+planning this summer’s garden
Oh, Havi, big hand-on-heart sigh for the weeklong cry. I know that one.
This week’s hard:
– Neighbor girls not respecting boundaries, making a mess in my woods, in view of where I sit most all of every day, and not cleaning it up when they finished playing. Knowing that the chances of them actually going to clean it up without my saying something are just about zero. Resenting that I have to have that conversation. Dark fantasies about gathering up all their crap and dumping it in front of their front door so they can’t help tripping over it.
– Too many other instances of people not being considerate or even aware of other people as they go about their very, very important business. Oblivion: maddeningly common this week.
– A touch of outsider syndrome.
– Delays in a project that are going to make things more difficult for me a few weeks from now, and not sure how to mitigate that, or even if it can be mitigated.
This week’s good:
– A nice afternoon tea and a dinner with assorted friends. Nourishing.
– A couple of very nice compliments from clients.
– A little bit of bing and movement on something I’ve been working on for a while.
– A bigger bing on something else, and small steps taken to act on it.
– Blueberry (the iPod) is throwing out some great random tunes this week. Energy!
– This week in Retail Therapy: Both the hiking shoes and the perfect handbag I’ve been seeking for, oh, about a year showed up yesterday as I was doing my wanderings. Silly, yes, but these discoveries make me giddy. (Note to self: Sometimes wandering and being open to what shows up works better than purposeful seeking.)
– Reminded often of just how adorable Awesome Hubby is.
Happy weekend, Chickeneers!
Well, this is my first friday chicken/checkin, so i’m going to call that good thing #1 – a new way to pay attention to me. thanks havi!
Other good things this week:
deer in my yard
the moon
finally took a shower, and then even another one a few days later
oh, i found this website, super yay!
today i got a first call back on a real writing job
the most delicious cheese i’ve yet encountered (though I can’t wait to move to italy someday and be blown away)
gifts, so many gifts, just because they love me and they care and they want us to be happy
thanks to some of those lovely gifts, i paid my rent, car insurance, and subscriptions to my boy’s soccer site and my lil one’s game site
Okay, on to the ughs, which i can tell are really not going to sound that bad even though i feel thoroughly horrid at this moment in every cell of my body:
well, about 2/3 of my toenails are painted a shade of purple i don’t like anymore, and the others are chipped or bare, and i forgot to put on socks so they are cold too.
um, my body feels thoroughly horrid right now, although i don’t have a headache so i guess it’s not completely horrid. just mostly bad. like when wesley/the man in black was only mostly dead.
and luckily i have true love, so in the long run it’s all going to be okay.
it’s just my body, it’s just feelings, and i only resist them because they hurt, and because nothing make them better. except distracting myself with writing and the best-so-far cheeses, and chocolate and wine and music, and taking a deep breath and then letting it out through my bottom lip so it flips up my bangs.
so there was my chicken sandwich, i always like to smash the part i don’t like in the middle of something yummy like tomatoes and cheese.
Havi, I’m also sending love and warm hugs (if you want them) for your week full of tears and hard.
The Hard
* My littlest brother in law crying because he was terrified of the robotic gorilla in rain forest cafe and his mom threatened to spank him for crying. I saw his face he was terrified. He believed the gorilla was going to attack us. Don’t add threat of spanking to the fear.
The Good
* Disney with my littlest brother in law. (when a 5 year old asks “Can we do it again?” after getting off of roller coasters it’s awesome)
* Saw my mom, she made awesome enchiladas for dinner.
* Good food many days in a row.
* progress on essays and things.
* the warm sun. I like it 🙂
I’m having trouble remembering where this past week started and what it held. And that is part of the hard at the moment.
The Hard:
– My partner still doesn’t have a job, and mine is a bit up in the air for now.
– My Hashimoto’s I suspect was to blame for a lot of fog this week, a lot of “I don’t feeling like doing anything at all”.
– Walls, lack of motivation, disinterest in everything I do.
The Good:
– I found a few new secrets to getting into creative flow, the most important one being red wine.
– I have realised on a few occasions that I don’t *want* a 9-5 office job ever again, and maybe I don’t have to anymore. Perhaps I can do the music thing fulltime, but my brain says that’s unlikely. (But *maybe*.)
– I reactivated Facebook and reconnected with a dozen old friends, and that made me happy. I’m committed to only using FB for good.
My first chicken. And what timing. I cried too this week -and didn’t cry enough – but it sounds like you were doing some proxy crying for me; or at least I’ll accept it as that. I use proxy in the ‘rest of the world’ sense, not the ShiverMeTimbersNautical sense.
Reading about your crying brought tears to my eyes.
The Difficult
Oh, so much. Mostly seeing how much less patient I am than I want to be. Worrying that every move I make is somehow destroying my children.
– Reliving the AWFULNESS of my preemie twins being in the hospital for the first three weeks of their life, after I’d been there for ten days (looong, crazy story – the most humorous part of which is when the 15 year old neurologist and his not-yet Bar Mitzvah’d sidekick were standing over me and fighting with the nurse for space on my belly-the-size-of-a-small-seal. Why? Because in the midst of lunch with a friend – thannk you John, for bringing that delicious brie on a fresh baguette and a perfect apple and lovely flowers – and saying “hey, does my face look a bit strange, it feels like it does when one gets anaesthetic at the dentist?”
He replied “actually, it does, I was about to say something”
Cue to pressing button for nurse.
Cue to nurse coming in and saying “I’ll get the resident
Cue to the resident coming in and saying “I’ll get the Chief Resident”
Cue to Chief Resident – SHE, at least, looked like she was old enough to have graduated college. Barely. “I’ll call the neurologist”
So, there he is, Doogie Howser & CO (there they are would be more gramatically correct, I suppose), saying to the nurse, thirty years his senior “umm, can we please get to the patient, we need to determine whether or not she’s had a stroke” and her replying “as soon as I get the heartbeat of Baby B (that’s how they refer to twins, Baby A and Baby B – how messed up is that????). Unspoken was her “…and you’ll just have to wait, you dripping-wet-behind-the-ears-self-important little schmendrick”
Cue to me turning to Dr. Howser and saying “You know, they might not have taught this to you in medical school, but saying “I have to see if she’s had a stroke is actually enough to GIVE me a stroke” (unsaid : you dripping-wet-behiind-the-ears-little moron, did you not have TEN SECONDS of Bedside Manner training???!!!!
Answering questions about the year. The President (Like Anne Lamott, I refuse to say his name – yup, it was that one)
Well, I hadn’t had a stroke, just Bell’s palsy. Which means one side of my face drooped. It was lovely. I got an eye patch.
Interjection of The Good – my beloved OB who visitedme EVERY DAY in the hospital brought me a parrot and hook to go along with the eyepatch. Wow, I never realized that it was a COSTUME!!!
This has reached rant territory – and for my first chicken. Bad, Blyma, BAD!
No, I reject that. I’ll cry about it.
The Good
I decided that Good Enough is Good Enough. My house doesn’t have to be perfectly clean and organized and Chasidic-Ready-for-Passover. It’s ok. I needed last night to cry/not cry – circling back, about the time my tiny infants were in the NICU, in plastic incubators with endless beeping and flashing lights and not hearing my voice or the blood WHOOSH through my veins or being able to feel her sister. Their tiny heels a carpet of red pinpricks (how they take blood from preemies). How every cell in my body sobbed when I saw them there, instead of being held to my body.
The Best
The day I walked into the NICU and saw that they had moved from the Scary Side to the Step Down Feeders and Growers side – and they lay in one crib, side-by-side, swaddled and with tiny hats on.
The rest of the Good of this week? FABULOUS Goodwilling (I just coined a verb). And I’m not making the brisket!!!!!! Or anything else. Which is why it’s easy for me to be ok with Good Enough – because nobody is coming to MY house!
Whoa, I think i’ll be back after tomorrow to try and repair what I think I just damaged. Odd.But – I wrote it, so I must have needed to. Isn’t Havi the one who says “whatever happens at RALLY is part of rally? OH,yes, more bad this week, thinking that I didn’t ‘maximize the opportunity” of my Rally. And wanting to puke at the thought that I actually thought the words “maximize the opportunity”
The BEST of this week? Sun, glorious sun. Planting primroses in the tiny brown cowboy boots of my daughters (zippers irreparable, I tried) and seeing the joy on their faces as they made a Moss Mountain to save the worms from being eaten by the birds. Seeing the ease with which they handle worms – and gentleness, but no fear, no “eeew factor.
Being hugged hard by little bodies. Hearing one say “I love you Infinity Much, Mama” and the other say “I love you more than the earth loves the sky. More than the stars love the sun”
Wow, I just took a BREATH!
Shabbat Shalom, Chag Sameach, Happy Easter to those who celebrate,and – the earth awakens from her deep sleep and showers us with flower petals regardless of what rituals we observe!
Uuuuugh.
SeventyTween colors of love exhaled in wholeheart sigh for you, Havi.
Loads of support to any others Chickens who want it.
Ouch Hard:
– Knowing why my body is being nuts and not being able to do anything about it until we move.
– Lovelyman having even worse body berserkitude.
– Work Overwhelm compounded by needing to be a super-traveling US for the 2nd week in a row, which meant nothing really got done.
– Which contained Bad Touch Carnivals in Airports.
– Continuing strange and troublesome dreams.
– Very little packing done.
– Terror over lack of packing done.
– Easter guilting from family.
Whee Good Woofs Woofs:
* Beautiful Full Moon tonight.
* Communicating clearly with the Lovelyman, which led and continues to lead to good support.
* Slamdunking the meeting I had to travel to attend.
* Managing to avoid the backscatter machine on the way back.
* Good food and friends at a birthday yesterday
* Good friends coming to help us move!
* We’re gonna move we’re gonna move we’re gonna moooooove!
Deep breaths before heading into the weekend. Sigh. Breathe. Relax. 🙂
Hearts for the hards! <3 and big big sighs
I did not think I'd get to chicken this week, so I'm delighted to be here on my iPod late at night 🙂 thanks!
Hardwoods:
Whoa the beartime. Crazy hormonal ragy anger. While usually I'm a weepy sad beartimer, there was little of that. Just rage. Noticed: although anger has more energy then hurt… The energy is just covering up the hurt and taking my attention further away from what really wants attention.
-pattern that is totally from my parents, not now. Running itself in my head. Causing anxiety.
-a big pushing-off of things. Inability to feel specific anxiety, just a fog.
-this week just kind of didn't work.
-getting advice instead of listening or non-advicey love. Too many times.
Softwood good:
-taught two new shiva nata classes! Great feedback.
-two super-great yoga lessons
-shiva nata expedition challenges = great
-parents in town for Easter! I forget how great it is to see them.
-time gardening! Feels wildly indulgent.
-silly tourist things that are kinda fun
-wow that moon!
Chicken-ed-ified!
I almost couldn’t remember back to Monday, it was so long ago. Man, this has been a week.
The Hard:
– I couldn’t just pay my ticket; I had to go to court. Luckily, I only got supervision.
– Ludicrous Fear Popcorn about the consequences of pleading guilty.
– Driving a long-ish distance; it turns out that my body isn’t ready for that.
– Haven’t seen my mom in over a month; feeling guilty about that. She was supposed to stay with me this week but I had to back out of that after my accident; feeling guilty about that.
– Feeling isolated.
– Having to wake up earlier than I wanted to, earlier than I normally do, three mornings in a row.
– Doctor put me on pain meds that make me feel all floaty and weird.
– He wants me to taper off one medication and increase another and I keep forgetting. Resistance? Or blame it on the new pain meds?
Mixed good and bad:
– End of teaching till September. I’m glad it’s done but I wish the next class were sooner.
– If my shoulder and knee and neck don’t get better in a few weeks, he suggested a cortisone shot. I said no, but when I told my son about it, I started getting more help with things.
The Good:
+ Lunch with a friend on Tuesday; coffee with a friend on Wednesday and with another friend today.
+ I have friends!
+ And there’s coffee and good food and places to go.
+ And MrB is doing well so I can go out for half a day.
+ The Boomerang Boy has a support system in place that means he doesn’t depend on me nearly as much as I feared he would.
+ And his birthmother hasn’t called me for over a month, so I think she is doing okay.
+ We’ve been looking for a new church and have decided to join a certain one. Very pleased about this, for a lot of reasons.
+ I was agonizing all over the Floop about a certain thing and have come to some conclusions and made a plan about it and that feels better.
+ Continued good weather. As soon as the sweet gum trees stop turning everything green with their pollen, I’ll be using the Outdoor Refueling Stations again. Yay!
The Good things outnumber the Hard ones. I like that. Wishing good things for everyone.
Hello Anne. 🙂
The hard:
Frustrations about patterns and limitations that aren’t working anymore – butting up against them and being very aware of how they are limiting me. Being bored with the same old same old, and suspecting that this is rather self-imposed.
Grumpy hormones.
Stuff that I silent retreated on last week, still being hard.
Horrendous headacheyness all Thursday after trying to shoot under weird blue light.
The good:
Kitty cuddles. Seriously, best medicine ever.
Working on creating my stuff and getting it ready to go out into the world – it feels so good! Deepening my relationship with Ardis – it’s moving into something so beautiful I don’t have words right now. Awesome and somewhat hilarious conversation with future me, who has set me some interesting missions.
Stuff coming up about names – strangely fascinating and useful.
The clues and epiphanies!
Including realising that frustration itself is a clue, so not getting frustrated about being frustrated.
When feeling uber-hormonal and pmt-ish yesterday, getting up from the computer and spending two hours reading in the sunshine in the garden, with feline company. Possibly smartest decision I made all week.
Some of the hard from last week leading to some heart-felt openness.
Thanks for this week universe. Love and good wishes to all!
@Havi – ouch for the pain and the crying & being locked out which is one of my #1 fears.
The hard:
sore ear went a bit deaf & made me feel giddy when making any sudden movement for a few days.
Getting back into a work frame of mind after the best holiday
Making a business phone call ( good but hard!)
Money is tight again.
The good:
Realising the giddy was just cos my ear was blocked & the doom & gloom monster chorus were wrong, again.
Eating really good for me food all week & really enjoying it.
Said work phone call led to a (small – thanks for sharing that, you know that was a monster insert, right?) commission!
Money is not a disaster & then is not now.
Sunshine & boat trips
Love to all chickeneers, especially Anne 🙂
Oh Havi, much love your way for the hard, and the grieving.
This week has been all about shifting. Things are moving, and in the right directions – but there’s been some inevitable grinding of tectonic plates, and cracks in the ice.
The hard: This week felt like I was running very fast, and very hard, pretty much all the time. I scheduled two meetings on top of each other – which I Just Don’t DO. Ever.
The good: There’s progress with a number of situations – an evolving position at the Uni, cat things, novel revisions, outside projects and writing. This is all wonderful. And this morning it became super clear in my head that for the next three weeks I need to use every system I’ve developed to the fullest, in super OCD detail. Not entirely sure why, but I’ll trust that feeling. And knowing I should trust that is wonderful.
Apparently, last quarter was laying the ground work. This quarter will be for transitions. Which is cool, but just a little terrifying. Like rollercoasters. I like rollercosters, so all should be well, right?
Much love and sparkle points to all chickeneers!
I had a week in February where I cried all week. And then came down with allergic conjunctivitis and had to explain to my eye dr that I had cried all week, and he said “crying is actually good for your eyes, it cleans them.” So it was good to know I didn’t give myself allergic conj. from crying.
This weeks’ Hard:
I have realized that my friends are Women that Men Talk To In Bars, and I am not. Whatever your feeling are about men in bars, it is painful to realize over the course of many weeks that this is the case. And while I sit there and men chat with them (they are married, my friends, but that doesn’t deter the chatters) I begin to feel like a giant ogre, uglier and uglier by the second, lumps and scales growing on my skin, pretty much like the hunchback of Notre Dame and I get sad.
And then on Match the people I think “oh, yes” about do not think the same of me, and the people who think “oh, yes” about me I do not think the same. There is a giant disconnect in my world and I don’t know what to do.
The Good:
I had a dream that mended things somewhat with someone with whom actual in person mending will probably never take place. It was wonderful and I awoke quite happy and peaceful.
A clean house.
Clam bellies for lunch.
Thank you Linda and Jane for the welcoming, I am amazed at how warm and fuzzy and real that made me feel!
seagirl I am sending out wishes that your yeses will connect with the yeses of the ones you want them to, and that you will feel loved and supported and valued and honored and paid attention to and awesome and/or any other feelings that you will like and enjoy.
I want that skirt too. 🙂
In the beginning of March I went through the same crying period … I watched a movie – I cried … and actually it was The Help so I guess I cried for the same thing – people being awful …
I’m not crying right now but I’m not sure that I’m done crying as of yet. I still don’t have the answers / don’t know what to do.
Sending you love and comfort, Havi. I also want to tell you that when you mentioned how much you hate the whole idea of people being subjected to judgment from others, I felt amazingly soothed and supported. Very much so. It just — fed something in me that I hadn’t even realized was hungry. So, thank you for that.
Hmm. Hello, Chicken. What has this week been like?
The hard stuff:
–Still very low energy at times.
–Not finding enough time for some of the Internet things that I really want to be doing, especially blogging.
–Received some news that made me sad.
The good stuff:
–A wonderful, sunny, companionable long drive with my daughter. I love her so much.
–I sang at an open mic! It went well, and was a lot of fun.
–Something I was feeling anxious about turned out to be a non-event.
–Feeling comfortable in my skin, and nicely stretchy in my spirit. (No, I’m not completely sure what I mean by that either, but it feels true.)
A quick one from location!
Hard
– anxiety day on Tuesday. worries about supervisor, paper, finishing, everything! internalizing the story that i didnt’t do enough
– getting lost in all my goals; losing track of what was already done
– feeling again like i’ve been stuck in the same place for years
Good
+ seeing friends! reunion! drinks! going out! endless talking! confidence boots! finding back that coat! taking a serious break.
+ looong dinner friday night
+ getting a new bigger suitcase that represents bigger adventures.
+ sticking with my decision that non-souvereign communication is not what i want. figuring out ways to make it easier on myself. taking the process seriously!
+ seeing the end of the stuck in sight. seeing through a door and what it might lead to.
Hand-on-heart sighs for everyone’s hard <3
And joyfulness for the good 🙂 I like how the Chickening allows us to hold both of these things together. There is something comforting about being allowed to feel several "contradictory" things at the same time.
This week –
The Hard:
– Some old patterns of guilt showing up.
– So. Much. Grief ( -again) over failed Bunny Arrangement. Incomprehensible anger at Flowering Plants. Sometimes I wish I could fold this up and put it all away in a shoebox in the back of a closet somewhere. I am tired of this pain.
– Feeling like all of my friends, all need support *at the same time,* and that I am unable to offer it to any of them.
– Some fear and trust issues with Hyacinth.
– Feeling like I can't take a moment to slow down because everything is going so fast.
– A friend's dad is having an operation on the day that I have my interview – I'm worried about not being with her while he's in the hospital.
– A strange kind of hopelessness that I don't trust, but that's still there.
– Realized that I did a bunch of things too early, and if I had waited, it would have been easier and costed me less.
Good:
– I got all my assignments and an exam done for this week.
– Self-care time today.
– Made a decision that I did not expect to have made so easily.
– Love from Guardian.
– Social hibernation.
– A quiet house.
– Being warm at night, finally.
– Tea.
Cheers Chickeneers!
The Hard:
– the student that did Bad Thing X that triggered a mandatory chain of events at our institution all which take up my time
– the not-so-pretty results of cumulative body neglect
– really not knowing where this week went
The Good:
– yoga teacher training started this week
– happy hour with the Ladies
– tapas date night
@Havi, I got to attend a Seder at our church last weekend, led by a Jewish gentleman, and his family, who have been doing this with us for several years. It was wonderful.
So, Freedom seems especially resonant to me right now.
And, I have been getting so much more of it because of what you write, and what you do, and who you are, and of this community you have invoked.
Love to you for the lockout, and the high-heels-at-the-wrong-time, and the pain of judgements, and the uncertainty of going into unfamiliar territories; and to you-from-then for all her own reasons for the Week of Crying.
I’m taking amnesty for my week, for now, but it had some amazingly good stuff.
oh for everyones hard and yay for the goods.
my hard
crying intermittently because no matter how I look at it what has happened in the last year sucks. and there are triggers , and there was loss, much loss.
being told by someone where I shouldn’t go .what I shouldn’t do.
sleeping not doing.
my good
birthday was a day of flowers and love.
standing up and telling the someone who told me where and when I shouldn’t go “no” that they can’t do that, finding my voice and standing up to it. enough is enough.
good to begin to see myself do that. feel i’m beginning to create a force field.
being with my three children this week, their laughter hanging out, them enjoying the scrambled easter egg hunt today even tho they are quite old, loving that I created those patterns that hold us all together (even with one who has absented himself by choice) and seeing that I always did that for them, and the effort to create those patterns for are children are worth every bit of planning and creating the space and yes expectation.
finding sovereignty. really finding it within my life.(thank you, thank you for naming it )
this all sounds scrambled actually but I am beginning to see patterns that help me understand why i’m so sad now,
Oy! another week of Hard.
+Another pair of shoes turned out to not be My Shoes. A lot of sadness and frustration about this.
+Overexerted my weak foot. Also sadness and frustration; I really thought it was further healed than this.
+Misadventures in trying to get new glasses
+which included getting Gender Policed
+and also getting LAUGHED AT by the optician because my prescription is so strong, what the hell
+The joke that wasn’t funny
++++PTSD 🙁
+Stressing about [person I love who is making a life choice that I cannot morally support]
+Super super awkwardness of having a crush on someone that I reallllly cannot have a crush on right now
+Not being able to go to Seder because I can’t drive at night now
+Nobody [signing up for Swimming Lessons]
And also some good:
+I have a TOASTER!! I can make TOAST!! In my TOASTER! TOAST EVERYTHING!!
+Rehearsal was fun! I love rehearsal!
+Deciding to sign up for Dianne Sylvan’s Spiritual Nomad class!
+Voice Lessons epiphany!
+Safe Room for Dark Teenage Artist Me, helping me to find my way to that space for Now Artist Me
+Trying to do NaPoWriMo!
+I really liked one of the poems I wrote! (http://choirqueer.wordpress.com/2012/04/03/ylem/) Noticing [a theme in the poems I write that I reaaaaallly like]
+It’s kind of sweet having a crush on this person, even if it CANNOT HAPPEN NO NO NOOOO
+Finished D’s hat!
+Rainbow Bear!
+Shiva Nata
+Superpower of Helping People Stay Calm!
+Superpower of Explaining Things!
Goodbye, week! SO ready to start over with a new one!
That skirt SCREAMS Shiva Nata. Or Havi. One of the 2.
Hand on heart sighs and love for all the crying and everyone’s hard stuff.
So much gentleness for myself and compassion at avoiding this and my other online helping places because of feeling overwhelmed; then crying for days and feeling alone and finally happening over here and feeling less alone (as usual).
The Hard and the Good are mixing and mingling. Right now it’s all hard and good. Except for the naps and the dancing which are just good.
Hards
– discombobulated, no routine, creeping anxiety and sense of inadequacy. Amount to do bs time/energy to do it is not really balanced in my favour.
– money woes and loathsome bureaucracy.
– fighting over the veracity of a boring boring tedious UNTRUE story about me and how I don’t work hard enough. Plucks my You Don’t Matter/Exist deepest existential fearstrings and so I react even though it’s really just an expression of… probably the same thing on his part actually. Then the follow on: why does this keep happening, why do you keep yourself in this situation, will it ever change yadayadayada……. What can I do differently? I don’t know I don’t want to do anything differently I want HIM to change…… *sigh* Very Useful Chatter. Not…
– I’m tired.
– motherhood. O my aching heart…. (and body, thanks baby, but that’s not as hard as the aching heart…. my little lad………)
– no floop time or any processing really. Arguments between the cast of characters in my head about how to proceed. Definitely not feeling like I’m really, solidly in the driver’s seat of my life. Or if I am, that I’m about to fall asleep at the wheel…
Goods
+ love, warmth, laughing.
+ I know everything is going to be okay even if I can’t feel that right now.
+ good poetry. Today: Auden’s Funeral Blues. Laaaahhhrrrlllll…. The right words in the right order. Oh it makes me feel all universal and connected.
+ blessings. Again, if only the temporary clouds didn’t block out the sky so I could really feel my blessings all the time. But, you know, the human condition. Life is suffering, or some noble shit like that.
Zzzzzzzz
@Havi, oh sweet, a week of crying sucks (been there). And I agree about FB–in the past few weeks i’ve jhad 2 friends call me very upset and triggered by crap they read on there. Gratuitous mean crap. Not-mission-critical crap. Superfluous, “you mean i feel this lousy for no reason” crap. I’ve just stopped playing there, there is nothing good there. EVer since I started it has made me feel ugly, triggered, rageful and judgmental.
What a mixed bag this week! Everythiong seemeed to have the Qualities of its Defects, so the Good (+) and Bad (-) came together.
+Ballet Sculpt class was wonderful! LOved it, despite the triggering aspects of “:exercise class = gym class =alienation and potential violence”. Even did moves at home to keep them in my memory. SO Good
-explain this to me cuz I dont get it: we’re all at Ballet class, the teacher is very nice, so why are all these ladies yelling “we hate you, we hate this, die Rochelle die!, i’m gonna hit you wioth a hammer” when the moves became hard? we all paid, we all chose to be here. Why verbalize so much negativity and anger? Then they scolded ME for smiling thru the pain. Bitch, I’m in so much pain I’m reliving childhood trauma and the ONLY thing holding me toegther is Rochelle’s gentle encouragement. You’re all on the North side of 50, gals, why not try a lil SOVEREIGNTY? Christ on a Ritz Cracker…
-kids home + mom gone = no rest for me
-writing time last week was 20% of the week before. this is no way to get a book written
-the Badger and his flying shoes. I’m struggling not to tell him to pound sand every day.
-no progress on Friday. I flailed, I rested, I walked, I ate, I walked again. Nothing. Panic and failure-thoughts.
-the housework. never. ends.
-The Husband who has decided that housework is a poor use of his leisure time. My FIL who refuses to do housework from Friday til Moday afternoon. Can u call it a weekend if you diont work during the week? I dunno, can u call it a weekend if YOU WORK STRAIGHT THRU IT????
-My whole house, my whole closet, everything reeks of tobacco and i FUCKING HATE IT. I hate smelling it starting at 6am and it doesnt stop til midnite, and then starts again at 6am EVERY DAY. He wanders thru the hosue with the lit cigarette and will even light up while I”M EATING SUSHI. WHAT KIND OF A BARBARIAN ARE YOU????
+ Biting my tongue has spared me several days of the Cold Shoulder and inhouse agita
+My 5 year old made a new friend in the neighborhood and played with this kid all weekend. Very nice
+Passover, Easter, the full Moon–verybidy, get your ritual on!
+a really nice Full Moon ritual on the night of the full moon
+making art! making art in the Treehouse
+discovering more about the Treehouse
+patterns and fractal flowers
+I have a Writing Partner! We have a Project! IT’s Scary and Bigger than our heads
-with so much potential for DOOOOOOM
+ We feel the fear and we do it anyway.
+and we consider the self-care and containment that is necessary
+Juice! I’ve started juicing again–like lets eat 5 carrots and 10 beets in a glass–and so far so good. Can micronutrients replace my prtein=heavy=but-fatty breakfast? I’m eager to see. I feel wonderful after this morning’s Apple-carrot-ginger. Like, healthy, energetic, clear in the head and NOT starving. STay tuned, I’m intrigued about this.
I have cried watching Mrs. Doubtfire, The Muppet Movie, and (most bizarre and embarrassing,) Hot Shots Part Deux.
The past month has been hella stressful. Maybe two months, even. Lots of STUFF.
Big hugs <3
Wow, I had to seriously scroll to get to the bottom of this, and now I can’t remember why. But I think it may have had something to do with this:
On my list of things that I think might save the world- flash mobs. So I know this is old news, but I was watching some old episodes of Weeds this morning, and i just got this feeling. Love and fun and communiy and spontaneity. So
Flash on.