In which I cover the good stuff and the hard stuff in my week, trying for the non-preachy, non-annoying side of ritual and self-reflection.
And you get to join in if you feel like it.
Friday, you say? Okay. I’ll believe anything at this point.
Hello, Hi. It was a hell of a week. Lots of light, lots of depth (thank you, Sarah, for that phrase). Lots of everything. I am here. I am happy about that.
There was a lot of hard but it was useful-hard. I’ll take it. For now.
Anyway. Let’s chicken this baby and set it free.
The hard stuff
Saturday.
Saturday was panicky and panicking. I couldn’t find my way back to the bells.
It was awful.
Oh no beach day canceled!
For totally understandable reasons, of course.
It’s just that I had been so looking forward to and craving beach day, everything had been building up to it.
And then it is a ritual and this was the week that all my sweet rituals reconfigured or disappeared, so there was that part of the grieving too. Poor sadmouse Havi.
A ritual — my favorite one! — disappearing for several days.
And discovering how much I was attached to it. How painful that was.
Also there was a lot of stuff about WHY LIKE THIS. And I had to go into some old narratives in order to find my way back out of them.
I had to sit and wait. And talk to the void about it.
The ending of what might be my longest ritual.
Four and a half years of doing a specific thing at a specific time. And then discovering that I can’t continue it. And then discovering that I’m not attached to any aspect of it, other than the aspect of wanting to believe that I need and crave all the aspects.
Not the Chicken! Do not worry, I am still committed to our Friday chickenings.
Anyway, that was intense and interesting. And also painful. Man, attaching and detaching: both of these can hurt so much.
I’ve been sticking with it, wanting it, but it’s been fizzling and not-there even when there.
This week it was clear that this was the end, and that it is the time for saying goodbye to a ritual that I have deeply loved.
I told a sort-of-friend who is tangentially part of the ritual about this and he asked why. And I said, because everything dies.
Then, in that moment, a song came on and the chorus was: baby, everything dies.
Toozday night.
I had plans for Toozday night. I thought it would be fun, sweet, light-hearted.
But then I just felt achingly sad the whole time.
I am a morning person and no one in my life is a morning person.
When I wake up, I am fully 100% Havi. Awake! Hello, day! Hello, LIFE! I am here.
I want to write and do shiva nata and glow salutations (shivanautical sun salutations) and say hello to all the flowers and breathe and speak words, beautiful words. And skip off to dance class before work work work work work. Zing!
Everyone else I know is mumble mumble coffee mumble.
Which is fine, because I spend my mornings alone. But for some reason this week I was extra-aware of how all the people I know and like do not like mornings, and how you have to avoid talking to them. Oh well. That was part of this week too.
A perfect storm of things not working.
The heat and the decisions and some not-sleeping, and everything coming together to create a tight spiral of anguish.
That was rough. That was the cause of the panic, and the worst moment of the week.
Until I remembered all the reasons for why it’s like this and why now and why it hurts, and then it passed.
I am still really angry about this one.
A huge (and casual, which made it so much worse!) violation of my workspace.
By someone who really should know better.
Stuff. Mine. About this. Lots of it.
A person in my life who is, all by themselves, their own perfect storm.
And I feel very strongly about this connection, so sometimes I put up with more crap than is necessary.
To be examined. Later.
I went over the top of the top, and shared some things that maybe were not the things to share. And ran directly into my stuff about wanting what I give to be … reciprocated? acknowledged?
Anyway. Pellet patterns. And more pellet patterns.
Oh! I discovered a sandbox of jealousy in my heart. .
Yes, a sandbox of jealousy. In my heart.
And I didn’t like it.
Jealousy is something I’m used to dealing with from the other side, usually in business but sometimes in the rest of life: having it directed at me, and how crappy that is.
This was different. This was big pain. Old big pain.
At leas I recognized the sandbox though, so that gave me a good starting point. Working with it.
Tough truths from my business mentor.
He is right, and I don’t like it. He believes in me, and I I believe too.
But doing the work… oh, the working on the working. Feeling disjointed. Grateful. And disjointed.
Pellet pattern.
Especially since I’d thought this was over. There was another piece of this to learn about. I didn’t like this either.
I needed to cry this week.
At inappropriate times and in inappropriate places. Like at the bar. In physical therapy. On the bus.
Well, actually it was very appropriate. It was appropriate for my body, which is my home.
That doesn’t mean that it felt comfortable.
The void.
Sometimes the void is so damn hard. And big. It’s really big. Hello, space.
I think I crave you but then I doubt myself.
The good stuff
The void. It was the right place to go/be.
Sometimes the void is limitless sparkling possibility. Birth and rebirth, choose any door, let all the treasures come to you.
I got good things from the void this week, once I got through how much sadness I had come to it with.
I found my way out of the panic.
I followed the protocol in the Book of Me, and it worked, remarkably quickly.
And then it rained and the heat broke.
And suddenly everything was better.
As I knew it would be.
The Book of Me even had a reminder that sometimes I think I’m falling apart but actually I am reacting to very specific weather conditions. A perfect storm inside of me.
But as soon as it happened, I really remembered the truth of this. Rain sweet rain. All is good. Warm bath. Cool air. Walk in rain. Purple hoodie soaked through to skin. Delight.
That is when I come back to myself.
So now all I need to do is remember this in times of hot: it is not a falling apart, it is weather.
And it can be taken care of with ice and a fan and remembering truth.
Sunday!
The superpower of Everything Is Possible and I were best friends again, holding hands and running down the street.
We were in binging-spark flow, we did glowing glow-salutations and caught all the right buses.
Big breakthrough in dance class.
A conceptual one that lead to a physical one. This was also a shivanautical side effect.
I finally really and truly (or: more really and truly) understood what Eva says about holding the spaces between the movements.
The understanding made itself a little home inside of me, beyond theoretical, into visceral knowing. That difference is basically why I do shiva nata.
Anyway, my body suddenly got it. All of it. The new choreography, how to stand tall with open heart even while leaning forward, the lean and the curve and all of it.
Beach day happened after all!
And it was perfect.
Lady Chuck came with me and we had twelve beautiful hours of beeeech!
I processed and wrote and talked to the water and walked in the sand.
And the next day I wrote the Letter of Sixteen and heard what I wanted to hear in response. I give full credit to this to the beach. Or: to the experience of beach. Just because.
It took me a while but I saw the pattern.
Thank you, shiva nata, again, for everything that I understand about everything.
I finally saw — really deeply internally understood — the pattern cycles of how I am with time.
And how when there is entry, things are sweet and supportive. Everything that was good this week came as a result of the desires and intentions that I brought with me as I entered those experiences.
Everything that was hard this week came about when I entered it casually, thoughtlessly, haphazardly, thinking about something else. That’s when things fell apart.
Wally said: you have the skills to do this. And I said: and I’m using them hard.
But when I remembered that all I need to do is conscious entry for everything, there was a flow and it was made of dots of light.
Spark! Idea! Possibility!
First I a spark of an idea that could in fact be the perfect simple solution that I so desperately need right now! May it be so!!
And some amazing realizations (shiva nata, again, to the rescue!) about how to sneakily circumvent the pellet pattern.
And then my friend Dana might have the answer to a challenge that has been the biggest challenge. Doors. They really are everywhere.
I got to meet Sarah.
A series of wonderful events meant that I got to hang out with @sarahemily on Sunday and show her Stompopolis. That was the right thing.
Thank you.
A beautiful gift from Leni (thank you, sweetie!) that is absolutely perfect for the Room of Mystery. Transformational.
And a whole load of stickers from Kat. Yay!
Oregon blackberries.
Everything is good.
Things getting undone.
In all the best ways.
Wednesday night.
A thrilling adventure full of unexpected twists and turns.
Playing with words. And then tasting the words.
There are not a lot of people you can really, really play with.
But when you can play? That is the best.
I like words. This was a good week for this.
And usually I keep most of this play to myself but this week I shared it.
A playmate.
This was, and is, a marvelous surprise.
A coded message!
The good kind.
Hidden for me in an unlikely spot on an unlikely street, but I saw it. And then I saw it again.
Huge realizations that change everything.
About sovereignty, about the void, about relating, about source and resource, about my heart.
Expansiveness.
Wanting heart openings all week. doing backbends by choice. Doing wheel pose not just by choice but in the morning. I know, what? What?!
Friends!
Out of the woodworks.
Everyone showed up this week.
Dana called. Hope called. Sarah yesterday. Rebecca today. This feels good.
An opening through the pellet pattern into a box that is a treasure chest.
And an interruption of compulsive behavior that changed everything.
From one-more-minute-is-unbearable to three hundred minutes of blissful not caring.
All. The. Points.
And actually I think I may have now, finally, resolved about 98% of the pellet pattern, which is amazing (shiva nata! again!) because there is so much old pain in there.
Playing live at the meme beach house — it’s the Fake Band of the Week!
Background? Ez and I make up bands. Stu (retired Bolshevik-fearing voice-to-text software) once translated “people will hate me and be jealous” to “they’ll hang out at my Meme Beach House“. It’s just one guy.
This week’s band is fairly experimental. They like sound and sounds and sound effects. Sometimes it can go a little Laurie Anderson, but I’m not complaining.
Anyway, I think you’ll like them:
The Universal Symbol For Thwork
Though, of course, wouldn’t you know, it’s really just one guy.
Hallo Hallo! I am saying Hallo Hallo. Announcement time.
Picture me wearing that crazy hat…
Seriously seriously: the monster coloring book.
And then come to Rally. They’re almost all sold out. And Rally is the thing that gets you to the point where you can handle the hard. I recommend it. It is sparkly and surprising.
That’s it for me …
Join my Friday ritual in the comments if you feel like it. Or call silent retreat!
We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. And we don’t give advice (unless people specifically ask for it).
Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.
Shabbat shalom.
p.s. It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — join in whenever (or not) and it’s no big deal.
Follow
The morning thing. I haz it too. But yeah, also spend it mostly alone so it’s OK.
How long has it been since I’ve chickened? You know, you stop a while and then to start again seems like…ARRGH! I feel like I need to chicken my entire past 6 months, but that’s just monstertalk yes? So how about a week.
The Hard:
-Am in the midst of doomy doom project that I dislike so much it makes me crankypants and there’s nothing to do but finish it. Actually am contemplating working on it all weekend just to be done with it and take off the crankypants.
-Continuing aftershocks from the slipped discness. They’re not pain, but still…discomfort and adjusting…
-Out of sovereignty in a moment when I should have known better.
-Messy messes are making me kooklybots. I’m not a super-neat person, not at all. But if I clean a space out, I’d like it to stay that way, at least for a few hours.
The Good:
-Made a connection I’ve really been wanting to make, and it gives me a happy.
-Muse is chatty. I like that.
-Light at the end of the Project-of-Doom Tunnel is visible.
-Watching the Little Bird in dance class is just utter joy.
-Lots of time in the woods. Never enough, but still.
-Knowing what needs to be done to continue the Great Recovery. Doing it is another matter, but we’re working on that.
-Lots and lots of water.
-The prospect of almost an entire day all to myself. Ooooooh. I’ll probably spend it working and cleaning, but still. The silence! Love!
Wow, that’s a whole lotta good, come to think of it.
Happy weekend, Chickeneers!
Reminding myself I have permission to be as cranky as I want about last week because it was my week. And it was cranky-making.
The Hard:
– Well, first there was the day my monsters were convinced mobs of angry rednecks were going to kill me. Because, you know, (monster) reasons.
– Then came the days of inexplicable sadness and rage. Still haven’t quite figured that out. Not dealing with the emotions or connecting them to why they’re there.
– Then there were the few times I was in parks, and therefore happy. Which kept being ludicrously and awfully interrupted and then I’d sob the entire way home and for hours afterward. (About parks? Apparently?) I didn’t even swing on the swings! And if I think about this too much, I’ll cry some more.
– Then was the epic stomach bug of awfulness and pain and way too much throwing up and no sleep at all.
– And then the very-much-not-a-shoe that someone threw at me about it that certainly felt like a shoe even though it was, at most, a soft pillow.
– All of which added up to not working for seven days when I REALLY WANT TO BE WORKING! (Though there is obviously also resistance.) At this point it feels like I’ll never work again, and I have all the sadness about that, though again it’s kind of mysterious and misplaced because I’m pretty sure I’ll work again by Tuesday at the latest.
– Thinking we’d get to move, and the excitement of that, and then realizing that it was probably a Craigslist scam. (And if not, the landlord is at least erratic and we don’t want to be part of it.)
– The sudden impetus to change my entire relationship to Facebook. So. Much. Stuck. So. Many. Iguanas.
The Good:
– Challenging all the patterns by running away to the park to listen to a recording I’d made that I was certain was crap. And finding out that it was AMAZING. In my opinion. But I think that. About something I made. It’s exactly the thing I want to put out in the world in almost exactly the way I want to put it out there.
– Buttmonster picnic/tea party with no tea. Complete with grilled cheese. And Ozmorg. Me. Roses. Good fun.
– Hearing other people really like my recording too!
– The Strip Club Extravaganza. Half proxy, half secret-mission. All very successful. Taking all the rules of “what I can do” and realizing they’re just not there.
– The before-I-had-to-leave part of two other runnings away to parks.
Chickening! Wow, what a week.
The Hard:
– The hard day that was supposed to be only ONE thing, that turned into two very hard days and five things. All of them awful, scary, PTSD-inducing things. And the knowledge that more of them will have to happen. Soon.
– The two days of doom that led to two days of emergency recovery mode, in which nothing could be accomplished except the vital things.
– Visitors. In my space, all of the time. And some miscommunication about boundaries, which led to hurt feelings and a very grouchy me.
– The monster-worry that “there won’t be enough.” Of anything.
– A conversation that was begun (by me) with good intentions, and ended with the other person throwing really large shoes. Ouch.
– Trying to find the right people to fall apart with, when the right person wasn’t there.
The Good:
– The awful hard two days had a purpose, and a thing that could have been much scarier in reality has a perfectly simple solution. Huzzah.
– Some slight changes in the giant wall of stuck surrounding the subject of broccoli. For the first time in years, I was able to interact with broccoli without falling apart. I am surprised, but intrigued!
– The change of routine that was much less difficult than I anticipated.
– My friend also finding a perfectly simply solution.
– Giving myself what I needed and seeing wonderful results.
– Finding support in unexpected places.
Happy weekend everyone!
A partial silent retreat this week, methinks. But I do at least want to do some Chicken Wayfinding, in case I want to revisit this later. So, some Chicken Mileposts:
HARD:
• Pain, both expected and unexpected.
• The specters of un-sovereign family members looming.
• Argh! Not ready, not ready, not ready!
• Not being “back to normal,” even after all this time.
• Aren’t I done with this yet?
• Entropy everywhere I look.
• Time slipping through my fingers.
• Looking with longing at yarn. No, no, sweetie. Not right now.
• Imagined scenarios feeling entirely too real.
• A slight yet niggling feeling of being trapped in some way.
• Feeling like I’m missing opportunities.
• Hey, client, can you *please* just pay your invoice? Because I hate having to be my own button-man.
• My relatives still don’t believe in climate change.
• HUGE jolt of fear, followed by a queasy “I’m not sure I’m cut out for this.”
• The learning curve just turned into a scary parabola.
GOOD:
• The lovely people in this town voted me Queen for the year!!!! WHOA.
• Raspberries! So many of them. Sweet corn, now, too!
• Completion! And tidiness as I go about it.
• Feeling like I’m on top of some of the maintenance.
• Mini-explorations. I am a conquistadora!
• Hoo-whee! Starting to rake in the dough from all the work I’ve put in this summer!
• Road trip coming soon!
• More space, just a lil’ bit of breathing room.
• Whoa, thunderstorms in the PNW! Weird, but thrilling.
Wow. Most of these signposts point to more than one thing, at the same time. Hmm. There might be some stones to skip there.
Skipping a stone for Havi and all the Chickeneers, too. Happy week, all.
Cheers Chickeneers!
The Hard
– not. enough. time.
– grading really crappy essays
– my parents freaking out about their retirement and move to a new house which entails millions of phone calls to me
The Good
– jewelery party
– 4 new yoga tops
– a lovely massage
I haven’t chickened for a long while. I think I’ve been running full-speed toward – and away from – crazy life stuff. But I found the chicken today. Maybe it found me.
HARD:
– The big break-up continues to hurt and sting and cause much resentment and sadness. Sucks giant balls.
– Disappointment that four weeks from today I would have been getting married. But now I’m not. I wanted to wear that dress! Which we all know is not reason enough to get married. Which is why the not-marrying goes in the GOOD category, too.
– My house is not my house. Yet. There is bad juju that won’t be physically gone for two more weeks. I am tired of waiting to get my house back.
– The unexpected crying – at work, in my car, in the frozen food aisle of Trader Joes. The sobs just keep on coming! I am tired.
– Worry about friends experiencing pain and loss, worry for sisters, worry for Mom, even worry ex-fella. Worry.
– Pre-missing a good friend who is moving across the universe in a couple of weeks. Heartbreak.
– There’s a wire in my braces that is jabbing into my cheek.
GOOD:
– I somehow – in the midst of having ice cream and/or cocktails for dinner every night – lost two pounds this week. Unexpected progress.
– Project Runway premiere!
– Dinner with my mom. On a weeknight. Al fresco.
– Work projects going well…work being fun!
– Calling in just the right helper person to soothe and calm and help with the tears.
Life is good. Even when it isn’t.
Bwak!
This week’s hard:
– Done with the crazy and looking forward to a week of creating, then whoooooooosh! All this piddly manini shit blows up to take up all the available space & time, like gas in a jar. Or slow people on the sidewalk when you’re trying to get somewhere.
– Because of this, really starting to feel the crunch of show prep, and the promotion I have to do for it. Arrrrrrrgh.
– My accounts receivable has reached an amount that I can’t even wrap my mind around. It’s all just held up by bureaucracy, and it will all get paid eventually, but c’mon, cut me some damn checks already so I can feel better about having been buried under a pile of work for the past three months. Especially those of you still hanging on to $$ for stuff I invoiced at the beginning of MAY. Yes, May.
– Wonky computer stuff. Genius Bar unable to replicate the problem. Warned that what I described could be the early signs of hard drive failure down the road, but they can’t do anything about anything if they can’t replicate it.
This week’s good:
– Got word that a nice little stack of monies owed to me that I had pretty much written off as “never gonna see it again” is actually going to be repaid. For reals.
– Excellent evening out with friends.
– Learning that sometimes sticking your fingers in your ears and going LA-LA-LA-LA-LA!!!!! is a viable coping strategy.
Happy Friday, Chickeneers!
Conscious entry in a whirlpool of a week. Breathe. Okay, I am here.
Stressful week of learning, about people and things and processes. Remembering their stuff isn’t mine, and if they don’t want help or change I can’t help them. Also that protecting people from consequences of their own actions is not helping them.
The good: Things got done. Not to my satisfaction, but it’s better than it was yesterday. Also, good night with a good friend, and plans for more of that.
The bad: See above. That, plus heat that drains me and sadness about things I can’t change, and oh the fear, made this a hard week.
Not enough water, not enough eating in a timely manner, too much stress.
Pattern of waiting until I’m near disaster before I work to fix things. Hi pattern, I see you, and you are my gift.
It’s Friday and chicken time and I actually want to do it again! Which feels awesome.
the hard bits:
-pain and fear for people with their pain and fear
-the heat, extra sticky
-resistance to day job
-energy levels low [see heat above?]
-seeing endings
-oh! that’s what that stomach pain is…
the sparkly summer stuff:
+wife’s birthday and sushi, yay!
+writing again and writing still fun.
+air conditioning -so grateful
+big pattern realization
+gentleness towards myself
+tara brach retreat this year and rejoicing.
Here’s hoping all have a fabulous weekend. xo
Oh, chicken! Hello, chicken!
The hard:
*I had to tell a really hard story a bunch of times. Even though I know that this hard thing was in service of a thing that will be really wonderful, telling it is so hard that I kind of forget how to breathe.
*Free-floating anxiety about big things being up in the air
*It was fifteen trillion degrees and one thousand percent humidity for half the week. More than half! It was not awesome.
*Not ready to get ready to go to Rally (Rally!), but also not ready to trust that I will be as ready as I need to be.
*Spent some time wondering if I’d accidentally thrown a shoe.
The good:
*Moving my body helped with the anxious, like it usually does. Also, my new gym is awesome. And beautiful.
*I was worried about being overwhelmed by my week, but one set of plans got cancelled and perfectly rescheduled, and the two other things that could have been overwhelming turned out to be super-duper fun. Hooray!
*The person I was talking to did not feel hit with a shoe. Whew.
*Good phone call with J. So happy to reconnect.
*C showing up and showing up and showing up, just to help me with the hard thing. Awesome friends = awesome.
*It rained, and now it is neither fifteen trillion degrees nor one thousand percent humidity.
*Upstairs persons decided to go away for the weekend, which means I can do laundry any time I feel like it, which is making packing six times easier.
The hard:
A shitty week. Literally. A seagull pooed on me as I was pottering around the garden on Wednesday – and I didn’t realise for hours that it was all down the back of my hoodie. Then trod in dog shit on Thursday. Have yet to clean the shoe because our outhouse is so messy I couldn’t find a brush and bucket. Ugh.
Yesterday afternoon/evening having two poeple’s filthy moods in my space. Bah.
The weather – needing to wear my duffel coat in July because it’s so cold.
Being woken up by intense sinus pain Thursday night and then pain all Friday. I think it may be linked to the half a pint (half a pint!!) of cider I drank Thursday evening….sadface mouse.
Not enough yoga + shiva nata.
The good:
Pre-releasing my thing to people and people actually purchasing it. Most exciting! And also feeling no angst about sending it out into the world – the whole process was enjoyable even. Woot!
Discovering a big tangle of stuck and then giving myself amnesty on not detangling it all this minute. Then experimenting with shamanic journeying and wow!!
Really going off coffee.
Went to writer’s club on Thurs for the first time in three months and it was the best group of people – had so much fun. Plus talking to people’s in 3D.
Talking of which, also met up with D for tea on Monday which was wonderful.
Went to a three and half hour tax workshop which I was not exactly looking forward to and it turned out to be really fun and helpful and got lots of questions answered and feel confident about doing my tax return. Plus met two other women who have similar interests to me.
Sunday – getting out into the countryside and then discovering a lovely little tea shop. That does delicious cheese scones. Nom.
The yoga + shiva nata I did get in.
Being bought pink roses that are now in front of my desk.
Ah…good wishes for the weekend everyone. xo
Hard
– falling ill. booh. weird pains everywhere
– strange pressures by friends. i get that there is nervousness but i am not a box ball. that was incredibly not ok.
– missing the daily yoga practice and not having my own practice. in general, a lack of structure while in post-yoga congruencing mode
The Good
+ feeling my body. i haz a body and its sending signals!
+ seeing back my date. just incredibly amazing and full of happy.
+ having an evening all for me. gym time, swimming time, reading time. time off.
+ letting go fo the outcome of a big project. ah so much better.
¡Hola, chickeneers!
+1 Morning Person. Husband (#2) is also a Morning Person. (Husband #1 was not; difficulties.) But I am also a coffee-in-silence-please person. Also a quiet-morning-rituals-are-IMPORTANT person. But it’s good.
What’s not so good is what happens at night. 9pm and I want the lights lowered. 10pm and I want silence. 10:15pm and I’m done.
So when I went to a beach house party this past weekend, and everyone was staying up and still mixing drinks at 11pm, I had this conversation with myself:
Me #1: It’s weird if you go to bed now. Everyone else is staying up. You have to stay up. Don’t be weird.
Me #2: Why? Why is it weird? Look at these people! They are YOUR PEOPLE, which is to say: weird! C’mon!
Me #1: Oh! Hah! YES. Plus: I like being a freaky weirdo.
Mes #1 and #2 (aloud): Good night! See you tomorrow!
Beach house party guests: Good night! See you tomorrow!
And everything was fine.
Cluck!
Hard stuff.
– the Saab opera continued with the good car breaking down for the third time in two weeks, 200m after leaving the mechanics… spent a night thinking it was going to need ANOTHER expensive repair and our trusted mechanics had screwed us over. Ouch.
– and the washing machine is definitely dead. *sigh*. This is especially annoying because I have a baby. They are… moist. Yawn.
– having a hard time being all the things that my son needs me to be. Too much shouting. Sad mama… (Plus the usual chorus of protest from You-Are-A-BAD-MOTHER in my head, even if I’ve managed to muffle him a little…)
– other people in the house feeling neglected when I prioritise Little Lad. HONESTLY!!
– got taken by surprise in a way that hurt.
– sadness over deferral of an exciting opportunity. I don’t doubt it’s for the best. Still. Waaah.
Good stuff…
+ car just needed something small and they threw in a bunch of other things for free. Faith restored. Highly relieved.
+ kids think the laundromat is ace fun!
+ first session of paired OT went really well. Yay.
+ seeing the energy we put into helping Little Lad learn how to navigate and cope with the world pay off with him actually navigating and coping… Not a bad first week back at kinder. Yay.
+ got a vision of what to do between now and when my internal cast of characters will believe me qualified to speak. Made some sneaky, in-the-hard progress on my thing that the Cast don’t actually consider my REAL thing. Except, who knows what will come of it, right? Thing!
+ Wonderbaby rolled over. Okay, it WAS on a slight incline… but still. Go baby!
+ geeking out on theory. My favourite thing.
+ low-stress reconnection with girlfriend who I’ve been distant from for a while now. With lasagne, which always helps everything.
+ hubs got a great review of his new CD in a national paper. Happy for him!
+ speaking of, things w hubs are pretty good really. Babies and special needs and money stuff all take their toll of course, but really, I think we’re doing okay. Seriously big yays.
Goodnight cheeps.
xoxo
Bawk bawk!
Sleep issues this week, which colored everything. However – it was wonderful to be aware that 90% of the hard was based on that, and to give myself space.
The hard:
* Horrible sleeping, resulting in super hard, everything makes me cry days.
* People throwing shoes about something they’re not understanding
* People throwing shoes when I’m already depleted by lack of sleep
* Not knowing until 30 minutes before time if I’m presenting at something that I really needed to be at
* The one person I really wanted to be at the presentation not being there, but not knowing until it was time to talk.
The good:
* Most people like the project!
* Restarting a writing class that I love!
* La Serenissma!
* Shaking off the shoes once I got sleep!
* Our paper proposal was accepted at the Literary Research Association !
Yay chickens! +another morning person, but because I stay in bed and write, I get told I am a lazy morning person, and I didn’t realize till I wrote this how much of a shoe that is. *rubs shinbone*
Meep anyway: week! Hards!
– bear time irritable Beth! You have been away for longer then I could have imagined possible. So when you appeared with your rage-y snarky everything-is-enemy brain intrusions, it was discombobulating.
-also, weird fear-bound Beth. Wrapped up tight. Uncomfortable burrito. Fingers in ears lalala this is Not the time to do anything directives. So rage-y was almost a relief. Please, hormones?
-several instances of needing to trust “this is Not a shoe” “assume good (or at least neutral) intentions” this week. Cracks in the holding. (ie, boyfriend finding phone that I’d been looking for all week w/in two minutes. Justifiable crowing.)
-oh my beautiful thing. Was going to be released into the world this week and it didn’t happen. See above. I am trusting it is waiting for the sparkly Rally-magic to become infused.
Goods!
+rage-y thoughts don’t have a groove in my brain anymore! Thank you shiva nata.
+but the how to exorcise rage-y thoughts – the pattern of taking myself on a long exhausting travel by bike or rollerblade – is stronger then before. I was a couple miles away before I realized how smart I was being. Yay smart! Yay bike being returned to me too.
+distilling angry energy into component qualities. Expressing them correctly to regain sovereignty and healthy boundaries.
+I got to meet @sarahemily too! Also a highlight.
+the researches for adopting a puppy (proxy!) were so Very Very much more encouraging then I had been thinking!
+which means adopting a puppy (proxy!) feels 10x more tangible and real to me! And happening soooon! Hooray to dreams and feeling hopeful.
The Hard:
Massive anxiety earlier in the week with poor coping skills coming out and even after it went away, it stayed and the realization that it will always be there again hit me.
Being out with my friends and lamenting the fact that I am not the kind of girl men talk to in bars and buy drinks for, and then when someone did come over and talk to me and try to get me to go somewhere I rescinded my lament and thanked the Universe for the lesson to never wish for people to talk to you in bars. Except the cute bar tender.
Money worries. Having the “i can’t afford cat litter” thoughts which are utterly false, but still coming up. After which I bought 4 bags of cat litter just to be safe. Next up will be the “I can’t afford toilet paper” chorus and the “I have no gas money” refrain. Funny where our minds go – to toileting and travel.
Slothness. Not biking yesterday. Veering on the edge of not biking or swimming today. Promising to bike and run tomorrow.
The Good:
Cleaning and decluttering.
Sovereignty. Mine. Not picking up other people’s stuff when they put it down. Letting them have it and not asking them to carry mine. So so good for everyone involved. And so much easier to do each time I do it.
Hmm, somewhere I missed a few chickens. Here we begin anew:
The hard:
-Heat and exhaustion made an emergency rest day necessary on Tuesday. Always a little stressful to make this decision, but it was the right one.
-At work, I’m like a mama bear raising the cubs. This week I had to give one of the cubs a warning tap with the mama bear paw. (Metaphorically of course.) It’s part of the process but it brings up some stuff. As a cub myself I did not appreciate the paw either when it was used on me. But it made me the bear I am today, etc.
-A voice from the past, well meaning but asking questions that I don’t want to answer.
-Feeling increasingly disconnected from B. Trying to get empathy there is like trying to get empathy from Mount Rushmore. It ain’t happening, baby. So I sit uncomfortably with monsters muttering about power and control.
The good:
-Did not have to see B. this week, due to emergency rest day.
-Made a really delicious curry for dinner this week.
-Spooky tests and labs all came back normal. My biggest issue is a vitamin B deficiency (as is true every year).
-Filled in application to certificate program and will mail on Monday. Soon I may be a student again! Woo hoo!
All best to the chickeneers, have a good week!
Okay. Itty bitty chicken. Here I am!
Hard stuff:
–Money patterns. And that’s all I have to say about that.
–Negative spirals of irritation between me and someone I love.
–I was hoping that my local mechanic would replace the headlight on my car, but because it involves taking the front of the car apart just to get to the headlight, he said I’d better take it to the dealer. Which is sure to be more expensive and more of a nuisance. Drat.
Good stuff:
–Sovereignty at the spa! I told my hair stylist that I wanted to get a bit of length back, so she colored but did not cut. I asked her not to tweeze any hairs after my facial wax, and so she didn’t!
–Watching my daughter’s theater rehearsals. So much fun!
–Family has been extremely supportive of my recent changes in diet.
–Many little accomplishments all adding up, making me feel very accomplished and increasingly confident. Good things will come of this, I can feel it!
Chicken on a Sunday? Why not?
The Hard
*Bruises from last week brought up all sorts of old stuff, like remembering how good I had to be at covering them up etc. Then is not now work was tough. And hurt.
*Firefox – I used to love you but now all you do is run slow and bring up the spinning beach ball. This sounds silly when written down but it is a real pain when I’m working. Brings up worries about replacing the laptop, lurking money monsters etc.
*Several bad nights with very poor sleep makes Linda a tired mouse and removes a layer of skin, leading to all sorts of mix ups and thinking things are shoes when they are not.Then feeling like a bad person for over-reacting. Needs to go in the Book of Me.
The Good
*Sun – hello sunshine, how very lovely to feel you on my skin!Healing hurts and being all warm & gentle. Mmmm…
*A glorious evening walk in an amazingly quiet Kew Gardens. It was a members only night and felt like a little goodbye. Not renewing the membership is hard but it needs to happen, part of letting go of this place & moving on.
*Flo, writer me is back. Hello Flo 🙂 So glad to see you and doing all I can to make you welcome.
*I did my spangly revue and it was just right 🙂
*Tiny gwish is just starting to sprout. It wasn’t what I thought it would be so that’s kind of exciting.
*Something I thought would be tricky happened with ease and grace. A mini ood and a tiny revue helped.
Love and fairy dust to all the chikeneers xx
This is a late chicken… but hey, there’s chicken amnesty! Also, I’m rockin’ no internet connection at the moment (semi-intentionally), so I had to wait to chicken from the library. Also, it’s a long chicken. And I’m blushing from showing up in two other people’s chickens… but they’re both in mine too. Chicken!!
The Hard
Car problems! Gah! I had to leave my car in Pueblo for two days and get a rental car and accrue various unexpected expenses. Well, not totally unexpected, since I had budgeted for this. This actually was less “Gah” than it could have been, and I dealt with it pretty well, but I would have preferred if it hadn’t happened, so it’s going here in the hard section.
I don’t like bugs. I didn’t realize how much I didn’t like bugs until I got to New Mexico, where there are bugs everywhere. I think I used to not having a bug problem, since I definitely worked on a production of The Pitchfork Disney during which the cast ate bugs and we kept a roach as a pet. And I was the one who went to the snake-food store to buy the bugs. So I think I liked bugs back then. But now if I find one more cricket in the house I might scream. I did some massive spraying and trap-laying, despite also feeling badly about killing the bugs, so we’ll see. Maybe I can work through this somehow?
Still working on my cover story for New Mexico. I think I’ve told everyone something different so far. The one exception was the guy at the yoga place, who was just like, “So you’re here to do some soul searching and some healing?” and I was like, yeah! Yeah! But I can’t walk around saying that to everyone else. Or maybe I can. It just feels woo for me, even if it’s also true.
The Good
Not only did I get to meet Havi and see Stompopolis and the Playground, but it happened in exactly the way I needed it to happen. At the point where I had figured out what I needed, I didn’t think it was possible. But Alberta Street clearly is magic. And it was exactly the right thing. And I’m in the chicken!
Speaking of Alberta Street magic… I got shoes I had been wanting and they fit me! I mean, I tried these shoes on last year and they didn’t fit at all, and now they do… Not sure if they changed the styles or I was trying on the wrong sizes last year or what, but I was literally like, “Maybe I will try on these shoes again if I pass a store on my way to the Kennedy School,” and then there was a store, and it pretty much only sold these shoes, and they were having a sale, and it was just amazing. The salesperson picked out exactly the right pair. And now I can hike in New Mexico, since barefoot sadly won’t cut it out here.
I got to meet @fantheember, and she is awesome. And she totally revitalized my Shiva Nata practice. Yay for more lovely people from the interwebs!
Colorado Springs!! I never knew I felt such a strong resonance with the frontier/Wild West thing, but I really loved Manitou Springs and want to go back. I went to the ghost town museum and went up a cog wheel train in Colorado Springs to the top of Pike’s Peak… It snowed on the way up and then there were rainbows on the way down and the views were insane. Ahhhhh…. Which brings me to…
Mountains are magical. Seriously – I never knew I was a mountains person, but driving from Colorado to New Mexico, I could barely breathe it was so beautiful. And I have this amazing view of the mountains from the house… which I’m looking at right as I type this.
After the car troubles, I got to spend some time with my grandma and aunt, and my grandma said some of the most profound stuff I’ve ever heard about resting and finding oneself and the importance of being alone. My grandma rocks. Also, it’s nice to feel like someone in my family really gets it.
No internet at the house in Taos! You’d think this would be on the hard, but I’m not even looking to see if I can get internet for at least another week and maybe never. The amount of writing I have gotten done today alone is insane. I’m hoping less internet = more movement, writing, reading. I do have data on my phone though, so I’m not completely lost.
Also, saying Back East is about the funnest thing ever. Don’t ask why – it just is.
Phew, I think that’s enough for one week. See you all next week!
Invoking amnesty! Hello chickeners!
the suck:
-despite planning my Entry bacjk to Work and my Exit from Recovery, last week’s transition hit like a freight train
-with plnety of unexpected support fails to keep me aggravated and distrustful
-the retrun of the heat
-leavinbg the sprinklers running all nite. see also “no support”
-Sir Gerald and his damn Kumquats annoying the shit outta me
-kids having hard transitions this week too, with cranky 5year old avoiding bedtime and 11 year old in a perpetiual tween-snit.
-no Shiva Nata for twoi weeks now? huh?
-Project There is No Spoon crashed and burn. shame and the rest of the psychic consequences of early morning spoons.
the sparkle:
-going to a movie with a friend
-those amazin cupcakes. yes it is sugar. it was worth the sugar
-and no migraine either thank you gawds.
-i have saved my lawn
-having a hard time letting go of an object but knowing its time and releasing it and having that be okay, and then getting thanks for doign so. so sparkly
-waking up saturday morning at 6am and WANTING to do yoga. out of the blue. like my body urging me to get on the mat and start with Sun Salutes. the sparkly feeling was awesome.
-despite lots of work over the weekend, i kept scaling it back, and i did build in time for resting, napping, and asked for help in a Sovereign and kidn way.
-and got help!
-because of exploding expenses, we ran thru the whole saving account. but it has been easier to feel okay abotu being frugal, to let go of desires to buy this or that, and know that those impulses are not because i really need soemthing new, but beacuse i’m trying placate a scared and sulky inner-child
-and giving ehr time and attention instead of stuff. that feels amazingly healthy
-recent rain has broght deep thick green-ness everywhere. thick leaves on the trees, thick cattails and rushes by the creeks. deep thick green. so lush and mysterious.
-not hitting my writing goals, but hell, I am stll writing, and moving thru my practice notes and protocols with good effect.
-I painted yesterday! The lag time between idea and execution is being days or weeks, not months or longer anymore.
-despite the need to be frugal, several wondwerful things that i want have popped up. looking at the essence of the desire bnehidn the thing itself, I know I want Dance, Movemnt, Beauty, Pleasure ansd Reconnecting to Source. I also know I can save and get these things later in the Fall, and feeling perfectrly okay about that.
-awesome lunch brought up a vendor at work last week. Nourishing ands tasty and saved me my lunch money.
*sliding into a beanbag at the back of the room*
Hard:
* major expenses on the verge of looming instead of lurking.
* saying no to people I would like to support, and having to reassure the monsters that this is not self-sabotage but self-care.
* I’m not keen on any of the candidates for school board in my district. And wish that all the money being spent on their campaigns could have somehow gone directly into the classrooms and cafeterias instead.
Good:
* carving out time for SFM to smell the roses.
* buying a membership to a botanic garden.
* becoming reacquainted with cobra pose today.
* being introduced to puppy pose.
* alllllllmost done with committee D.
Sending all y’all midweek pompoms and pinwheels, for the things that want cheering on and the things that do better with a playful breeze helping out. 🙂
Her’s my contribution. Hard – My whole hand is already aching,,,and I still have loads of work to do. Good – Weekend – I have a perfectly and a legitimate excuse to sleep in.