In which I cover the good stuff and the hard stuff in my week, trying for the non-preachy, non-annoying side of ritual and self-reflection.
And you get to join in if you feel like it.
Mmmmm. Friday.
Wow, that was a week, wasn’t it.
I am lighting a candle.
For everything that fizzled and died, for everything (well, internal hope-filled sparks of potential) that came into being, and for the things that are unresolved. Just marking the moment.
The hard stuff
The death of the most important ritual and the Giant Misunderstanding.
After all that stuff I went through last week processing the loss of rituals, I had been secretly comforting myself with the thought that hey at least the most important one isn’t going anywhere.
And then it did. It disappeared in the most abrupt and alarming way, with no warning.
This resulted in the day of the Giant Misunderstanding. I felt lost, at a loss, not sure where or how, what to say, which door to look for. And then six days later it resulted in the Giant Understanding. Which was somehow worse. I mean, better. But worse.
Having to work work work on the weekend.
It all needed to happen so that the pirate crew was prepared for us to open, and to get things ready for Rally (Rally!) on Monday, but good god I hate working on the weekend.
Plus/and/related: this coincided with an unbearable headache of doom.
A worry about a thing and, of course, I cannot do anything about it.
Waiting it out. Bringing it to the fountain and throwing things into the pot, and wish-hoping.
But it feels really frustrating. I feel uncomfortable when things are in the air, and this is a really big thing. And there is a lot of In The Air.
A lot of air, in general, really. Yes.
Hello, all this air. Hello, endless skies. We will figure this out.
One pattern down, the next round .
Okay, morning pellet pattern is totally resolved. That is HUGE. Yes. But 5pm-ish pellet pattern was still problematic….
Here is what I noticed.
When I am tired, I don’t prepare for the voyage and then there is no entry because I’m not in the mood, and then all I want is to push for pellets.
The pattern of the Sunday Night sadness.
My god this has been going on for years, hasn’t it.
Agonizing over the same old thing.
It’s a hard hard stupid-hard road, loving someone who struggles with addiction and struggles with recovery and just struggles, period. I don’t wish this on anyone.
This week I was in my stuff about their stuff. Love was important (it always is), and it was tinged with so much pain.
I did shiva nata for this every day and that helped, for long stretches of time at least, which is movement. Old pain, old pain, old pain. Hello, goodbye.
Canceled my trip to Boston.
I had been looking forward to this so very much. It isn’t going to happen.
The internal monster collective is absolutely rejoicing over this. They’ve been whispering “pipe dream pipe dream” the entire time, and now they are having the most enthusiastic parade of all time.
With streamers and dancing on floats. And troll trance music. Doonsk doonsk doonsk! Oh, sorry: reference.
It’s a gigantic I Told You So themed parade, and they are filled with delight over having saved me from all that potential doom and despair.
Oh, you guys. I love how much you love me. And this does not mean that you are right.
The sad, sad, saddest goodbye.
Everything reconfigures. Everything reconfigures. Everything reconfigures.
The good stuff
The giant misunderstanding: resolved!
Of course. I forgot about the superpower of Everything That Seems To Be Wrong Is Just A Misunderstanding.
And also that misunderstandings can be untangled with love and gentleness.
This one was untangled. It turned out to have been a fluke of technology. The thing I wanted to happen had already happened while I was mourning it not happening.
So there’s that. I would like to remember that. Let all the crossed wires be returned to their homes. Thank you.
Friday Playdate.
Lovely.
Exactly what I needed.
The Hush Hush Pirate Crew Rendezvous was a smashing success.
This was the 90 minute thing I ran on Saturday for the people who help me run Stompopolis. Also I ran an experiment and it worked.
We had fun. We laughed. We sparkled. We made things magical.
We did outrageously transformational shiva nata with the following words: 1. Brilliance. 2. Rainbows. 3. Majesty. 4. Revealing. 5. Expansiveness. 6. Exuberance. 7. Tingle-joy. 8. Alignment.
Doing Level 3 with those revealed (yes) all sorts of things, and we aligned with the tingle-joy in exuberant ways, as predicted.
Also we frolicked and blew bubbles and pretended that the floor was lava and that the orange mats turn you into zombies but the purple ones turn you back.
It was the best.
Sometimes I get all stressed out about Being The Director Of An Institution, but since this is what we do instead of having meetings? I am actually okay with it. And we sang.
And we rang secret bells and then the entire world lit up and sparkled. That sounds impossibly cheesy, but it is PURE TRUTH.
Zombie Thriller! Qu’est-ce que c’est.
Fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa far better…
That’s me channeling Michael Jackson and the Talking Heads at the same time for practicing Zombie Thriller. As you probably know, nothing makes me happier than dancing it up to fabulous choreography.
We had Thriller dance practice in the park. It was awesome. Plus you can sing it to Psycho Killer. Zombie Thriller! Qu’est-ce que c’est. Run run run run run run run away…
Yes. Well. I don’t know that anyone does that but me. I think it’s just me. Who cares. I can’t wait for October. Thrill the World and the Portland Zombie Walk are going to be so amazing. Again.
Meeting an old pattern with love.
The old Sunday night sadness from then hit.
And I saw it for what it was.
And I was at the Hidden Playground, so I took my body to the red rug so we could do yoga together.
What followed was the sweetest and most loving two hours of my entire life. Every single moment was the pure essence of love and trust. It felt like my body could release anything, contain anything, always love me more.
This is not usually the way my body and I feel about each other, it was new and deep and a word that is maybe a cousin to “special” but a word that I haven’t learned yet.
Then Toozday and Thursday night I also did playground yoga with Lady Chuck and it was also incredible. Stuff. It is moving.
Repatterning. Lots and lots and lots of repatterning
Thanks to lots of outrageously impossibly beautiful shiva nata craziness, and the magic of Rally (Rally!) this week.
I gave pellet pattern a lot of loving attention this week and learned all sorts of useful things that are changing everything.
I said goodbye to a thing that needed saying goodbye to, and I said hello to the anguish that accompanied that goodbye, and I was courageous and loving instead of running away or hiding or writhing in pain and resentment. This is new and big.
What else? I called bullshit on the Script of Helplessness and What-if. I called on the internal scientists to review the data and demonstrate to the monster collective that actually things are fine.
I came to an understanding. I am done with old narratives. I am returning to truth. Everything that appears to be against me is an illusion.
See also: the ongoing working hypothesis that everything that goes wrong mainly goes wrong because of either lack of sleep and resultant Zombie Day (™) or because of Desperately In Need Of Shower. Evidence is pointing in this direction.
Yes. There’s also that.
I had another hard conversation, two of them, and I am getting better at this.
I am getting so much better at initiating these awful conversations of pain and hashing-out and endings.
And I’m not waiting for weeks to psych myself up for it, just doing it. And not damaging my body with all the stress.
Well, okay, horrible heat rash of doom this week that no one could see but that I couldn’t stop thinking about. But it’s still less wear and tear on my body than this has been in the past.
I am the Chief Congruencing Officer!
And I don’t really have anything to add to that.
It was exactly the right job for me this week.
Writing. Back. Oh, voice.
Something broke open for me this week in a big and important way.
Thank you, Rally.
I wrote a blog post. I wrote a Shiva Nata blog post. Two of them, actually. Only one is up right now. The one about how Shiva Nata saved my life three times, and not metaphorically. Though also. Of course also.
But that is not the point. The point is: I have words! Again. To share. With you.
UNBELIEVABLE. UNBELIEVABLE. I am writing again, I am writing again! I am saying everything twice, I am saying everything twice!
Rally! Rally Rally Rally Rally Rally Rally Rally.
Oh. My. God. There are not enough exclamation points to exclaim about Rally.
And how unbelievably amazing Rally is. (Rally! Come to Rally!).
Oh this group. The fun, the laughter, the hilarity, the importance, the breakthroughs, the wonder, the delight, the sparkling sparkling of all of it. YES. Yes to this Rally.
This was the 22nd Rally in a row. I was pretty much expecting it to be incredible. But mind still blown. And heart blown open.
Also we invented secret Rally sign language. So now we have special signs for Yay! and Zing! and CLARITY.
Flow! Zoom! Zing! Stuff like that.
I got outrageous amounts of work done this week because Rally did a magic on me and I was IN THE ZONE.
Sparks were sparking. Everything worked.
Finding all the right clews.
Trusting. Trusting some more.
Everything reconfigures.
And, fortunately for me, when I remember, this is my expertise. Reconfiguring.
I teach it and I live it and I dance it out with shiva nata every day, so really if you think about it, no one is better equipped than I am to deal with this particular reconfiguration.
I can deal with not-Boston. I can deal with endings. I can deal with all of this. I have the resources and I know how to return to the source, and this is going to be okay. I don’t have to know how it’s going to work. I just have to keep doing what I know.
Playing live at the meme beach house — it’s the Fake Band of the Week!
Background? Ez and I make up bands. Stu (retired Bolshevik-fearing voice-to-text software) once translated “people will hate me and be jealous” to “they’ll hang out at my Meme Beach House“. It’s just one guy.
This week’s band showed up at Rally this week, much to our collective surprise.
They were there promoting their debut album which is called There Is A Lot Of Vacuuming In The Fortress, and which is sure to be a smashing success.
The band’s name?
Non Linear Ooze.
Though, of course, it’s really just one guy.
And with thanks to Elizabeth!
Hallo Hallo! I am saying Hallo Hallo. Announcement time.
Picture me wearing that crazy hat…
I have to highly recommend the monster coloring book. It worked several miracles this week for everyone at Rally. And for me.
That’s it for me …
Join my Friday ritual in the comments if you feel like it. Or call silent retreat!
We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. And we don’t give advice (unless people specifically ask for it).
Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.
I am lighting my candle. You can light one with me if you want.
p.s. It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — join in whenever (or not) and it’s no big deal.
Follow
I can so relate to the Sunday night sadness thing, and am just starting to create my own rituals for Sundays, and hoping this causes a shift.
And thank you for plopping a Talking Heads song into my head on this Friday afternoon; it’s making me smile through the end of my workday. 🙂
Thanks for sharing!
The hard: Having some trouble identifying and articulating and enforcing needs, so that caused some angst. Pining for the Northwest (ha; pine!) and being generally cranky about the city and the summer. And not remembering to give legitimacy to all of this, which of course is the biggest part. Wanting to be there with people who are far away.
The good: SO much good! On Monday, I quit my day job! I quit my day job! This has only been in the works for four years. Four years! (Like you, Havi, I seem to be saying everything twice.) I am remembering to revel in the wonderful disbelief and celebration of this. Last night, we celebrated with butter and cheese and sourdough and candles and a big storm. Sleeping is a definite good, too. Most nights, I’ve been sticking to bedtime, and bedtime is my favorite new thing. Also, the new nightly ritual. It is sweet and bonding. Also, the new ritual of new morning beverage is invigorating. Oh, AND, I was able to unstick a channel that had been very stuck, and that felt great all around. Plus: hugely looking forward to a Day of Nothing tomorrow. Which actually isn’t a true Day of Nothing but will be imbued with the spirit of Day of Nothing. So yay for that.
Waving to you, fellow chickeneers, as you sail into the weekend!
I’m lighting candles for all the reconfiguring here.
Kylie, congratulations on quitting your job! *high-five*
Hard:
* bouts of outsider syndrome
* fear-of-overspending monsters very noisy
* a heart-bruising pattern infecting my mood
* second-guessings
* feeling resentful about responsibilities crowding out fun stuff
* cellphone spam. UGH.
Good:
* Olympic tennis photo book is awesome
* friends awesome and awesomely supportive
* did some math. Then ordered long-overdue prescription sunglasses.
* recognizing pattern, and would-be sovereignty trampler too. giving self permission to respond imperfectly.
* some aging iguanas out the door. YES!
I’m not sure entirely what I’m responding to, but the end of your chicken, Havi, feels like “hell yeah!” There is a hell yeah here with your name on it if you’d like. 🙂
Oh this week. Weeky week week. It has been very up and down but in a kind of glorious way, actually (my monsters disagree) and huge things shifted. So…specifically…
The Hard:
– Last Friday and the awful pattern. It was all the awful patterns in one giant meta-pattern of pain and pain and distortion and distortion. And it made no sense. My monsters are fairly certain (despite evidence) that I lost one of my best friends.
– Then Tuesday, it was the same pattern! But then secretly it wasn’t the same pattern because I’d done Shiva Nata and gone to Stompopolis and planted a billion gwishes but it was a very similar pattern for the whole first half of it and OW. I didn’t know that pattern could shift in the middle, so it’s good data, but I was so scared I was stuck on a train to a very bad place.
– Keys. I lost mine. And I also got locked out of a fabulous present I was given (which later turned out not to be true – the lock was fake). Lots of problems with doorways.
– Wanting! Oh-my-god-we-found-our-house! Times twice, actually: one to rent and one to buy. And oh how sure I am that both of them are exactly the right thing. And oh how afraid I was and am that either or both will be taken away (though we finally have the rental house for sure). All my patterns of fear of things that aren’t 100% certain are LOOMING LARGE.
– And then we had to pay multiple deposits at once and even though it’s temporary while money moves, my bank account has less than $100 in it and that’s never happened and more stress and overwhelm.
– So apparently we’re moving. Today. And tomorrow. And the next day. And then that’s all the time we have for it. I am a ball of stress inside more stress surrounded by stress.
– I had to do a thing and doing the thing badly was better than not doing the thing but I regret. I would have liked to do the thing well, from a place of centered and calm and delight and I didn’t do that.
– Family stuff. Like this giant pipeline of other people’s stress that just flows right into me and mixes with my stuff and I feel like I should know where the off switch is. Also outsider syndrome.
– Mostly just the feeling that whenever I’ve nailed down some detail or plan, in the seconds after I’ve committed, new data arrives that completely invalidates it. I am needing some Shivanautical Adaptability
– Crazy body stuff. My feet have started to swell and apparently I have ludicrous fear popcorn about that, as well as a few other things.
– I really really wanted to see a friend who was in town and everything got in the way and I am very sad because it was a big want.
The Good
So much of it!
– Pirate Crew Rendezvous-vous-vous-vous-vous (it echoes in my head). Completely brilliant. It changed everything. Everything.
– I get to move to the neighborhood I want to live in! To a beautiful little duplex super de-dooper close to the Playground. This weekend! And serendipitously people are in town with a big car and strong backs to do all the moving for me!
– The houses sold! No matter what, we’ll be in a house that we own in NE by the end of the year! Hopefully it will be “the purple house” with the spiral staircase and the loft that told me it wants to be my house. There are obstacles, but we are putting in an offer. And three other people are willing to stand behind my wanting and believe in it. #blessed (And if *that* doesn’t work there’s another house that is also pretty awesome.)
– I am borrowing a guitar! And I learned 4 chords! And I am crazy in love with music right now and I want to play all the time and sing all the songs. All the songs!! My heart is exploding.
– On Tuesday, instead staying on the train of the awful pattern, I called my friend E and had a glorious talk with her for hours and everything got so much better. Also she gave me several big clews.
– The big clews! My monsters are wrong about everything (sorry, monsters). The thing I’m trying not to do is exactly the thing I need to be doing! And when I do that, everything gets better.
– Also…the other big shift on another aspect of this pattern. Last night the monsters told me why coming out of a dangerously bad mood felt so scary to them. And I got data to show them their fears were false and we got to leave behind some of the fear! For the first time. In months.
– Good family stuff! A family member I haven’t seen in ages, that I’ve been hurting about, is unexpectedly coming to Portland today and even more unexpectedly contacted me to see if we could hang out. I had literally written him letters (unsent) about how much I want to see him. And now he’s here! And we’re going to breakfast tomorrow!
– Advanced Blanket Forting. It is going to happen. By hook or by crook, it’s happening.
– Ozmorg (purple monster) helped me with bilingual Shiva Nata and it was amaaaaaaazing.
– Overall, I’ve never been this aware of hard patterns while I’m in them. So even with all the overwhelm and stress, it feels like big shifts are happening under the surface. Exhilarating.
So much love for chickening, everyone’s chickens, this space, Stompopolis, the Floop, etc. Yay life!
I am lighting my candle with you.
Hard stuff:
–Right now, my legs are aching and my hands and feet feel swollen and I feel fried and just bleah. I was feeling mysteriously crummy for most of Wednesday, too. Body! What is going on? Do we have to have a long conversation or a series of clues about it? Can’t you just tell me?
–Event coming up on Monday about which I feel increasingly anxious. Must — remember — Art — of — Embarking — tools!
–Every time I turn around this week, it seems, I am faced with this message: “Would you like to try this lovely, lovely thing? We would so love to welcome you! All we ask is that you spend more money than you are comfortable spending on yourself — that is to say, a whole lot more money than you are comfortable asking your family to support you in spending on yourself!” And you know, I have been doing this, have been investing in myself in the past year, in all sorts of lovely ways, but now I suddenly see all these opportunities for more-better-amazing-joyful-magic, and it’s as if the universe, or Future Me, or Possible Future Me, is asking, “Can you go further now? Are you ready?” And I want to be ready. But I’m scared, I guess. (P.S.: If I see the word “uplevel” one more time, I will
vomitneed to go lie down.)Whew. Enough. Creating a safe room for the me who is afraid to ask for more. She can hang out with her BFF, the me who is convinced that the world ends when the people she loves get mad at her.
Onward!
Good stuff:
–Last night was opening night for the play my daughter is in. She was great, they were all great, and she is having so much fun with this! And she gets to do it all over again three more times!
–I just took a look at the Hard Stuff up there, especially at Item #1 and Item #3 in relation to each other, and oh. Click. Is there a connection there? What acts of love and kindness and self-confidence can I give to myself right now? How can I be the fox in the video game? Good questions, and I’m thankful for them.
–Lots and lots of time playing with the systems in my life. Environment. Routines. Scenery! Costumes! Props! This is usually a sign that things are shifting in good ways.
Sending love to you, Havi, and to all my fellow Chickeneers, and also to myself.
(Ohhhh, monsters. It’s okay that I got a little careless with my HTML up there. It’s okay that I got a little cranky! It really is okay. It is all going to be all right.)
Havi, I’m delighted that you are writing again, that you have words.
Today I’m doing a travel chicken. Last week we traveled to London and this week we traveled back. I haven’t separated the hard and the good, just jotted down things as I thought of them.
+ Letting him be responsible for him – when I did. He kept putting off taking action on the theaters and the Eye because I’ve trained him that if he doesn’t do things, I will.
+ The places we went to. Loved them all. Including:
St. Mary Abbott’s church
Kensington High Street
Shakespeare’s Globe Theatre and the play Richard III
The Mousetrap
The London Eye
The Millennium Bridge
The River Thames
Trafalgar Square
The National Gallery (2 days!)
– Tube access. Because of the lack of lifts.
+ Nearby food shops.
+ Mini-fridge in room.
– No cooking facilities, not even a microwave.
– Needing to keep myself hydrated while in London and not doing it.
– Overloading myself: the books and papers that I bought were heavy.
– Too many small things to carry instead of one larger one that we could check.
+ Helpful people everywhere.
+ Getting a couple of unexpected refunds and breaks on the cost of things.
– I goofed setting up his pills for the trip. We had enough and the right ones but I didn’t have enough to set up for the remainder of the week after we got home.
– Not sleeping the night before we travelled. Both ways. Big mistake. Because I know I won’t sleep on the plane. Period. No matter how tired I am and what meds I take.
+ Earbuds and inflight entertainment. On the way back, I would have watched a movie if I hadn’t had airplane head. I listened to 37 songs by Alan Jackson. (Not my usual thing but he didn’t make my head hurt worse.)
– Airplane head. Bedhead and hat head don’t hurt. This does.
– Cheap earbuds that fell apart.
+ Having a writing project “This is where I live” to work on while there; it’s hard to explain even to myself why that was good but it was. Having a lot of the resources I needed for it already downloaded since we didn’t have internet access in our room.
+ Lots of progress on project activities on my laptop, and inspired to work on them. It helped balance the overwhelm of too much novelty and sightseeing.
? Not having wifi. Good – I was able to disconnect from everything except M and what we were doing. Hard – I wanted to access information about my writing and the things we were seeing and couldn’t. Also to use the journey planner from TfL.
? No alone time unless one of us was asleep. He is the easiest person to be with.
Last night MrB and I did a Spangly Revue of what we liked, what worked, what we want to do different next time. Writing it all down for the Book of Me, Travel Edition.
Love to all the chickeneers.
Hello Friday! Oh goodness, where did this week go?
The Hard:
– So many walls. Bureaucratic walls and small-people-with-a-little-power walls. Phone call walls and passing-the-blame walls. I stood on one side and said what I needed to say and the walls refused to let me pass.
– A thing that I thought was happily resolved suddenly becoming unresolved. In a big way.
– So much anger. Related to walls and unresolving and many other things too.
– Having the script of “no one is on my side” playing in my head.
The Good:
– I used my ninja skills and eventually managed to circumvent all the walls! Hurrah for grappling hooks, courage and sticky gecko fingers.
– I chose my puppy (she chose me) and she arrives home in two weeks!
– I finalized my plans for going on a secret road trip next weekend. Uber-excitement!
– First job interview in what feels like forever.
And now for the weekend, and some welcome rest.
The Hard:
Sadness over things. Not sadness, slowness maybe. Something.
No progress on anything. I’m walking on a moving walkway the wrong way. When I walk faster, it moves faster the opposite way. I can’t figure out how to get off this walkway because it isn’t just a walkway, its the surface of the earth.
Saying yes when I meant to say no. Forgetting my sovereignty and that things can wait for a response.
The Good:
Clean house. New clients and referrals. Happy friends.
Hello Friday, Havi, and fellow chickeneers!
Lighting a candle sounds like a lovely idea.
The hard of this week
Our dogs attacked a kitten. Maybe they were just playing… But I’m pretty horrified. The kitten wasn’t actually hurt, but I’m actually having a hard time dealing with this at all.
Felt like there was no time to do anything fun for days. Wanted to paint or nap or play, and just had more grownup stuff to juggle.
Progress is being made on my wonderful project. But not enough!! And not fast enough! And everything is still more up in the air than I’m comfortable with! ARGH!
The good of this week
Concert of guitar and cello, and looking at my husband and planning our own retirement. What? Busking is a perfectly reasonable retirement plan!
We rescued a kitten from the local feral colony, and he’s doing fine, FIV and FeLeuk negative, and on his way to a foster home for socialization. Hooray, kitten!
Running away for the weekend to have a play/work weekend with my best friend from school! We will talk crazy theory all night and drink wine! (well, maybe not all night… but a later than usual bedtime is probably in the cards.)
Hard:
-Oh, I don’t know, being a human with stress and fallibility and emotions and stuff.
-No yoga class for many weeks in a row! And difficulty setting up a space in my house to do a DIY thing.
-Mysterious arm pain that lasted for a couple of days
-Lots of external focus. On good things! But missing introvert-me.
-No studio time for a while either.
-[A couple of silent retreats]
Good:
-Camping! Swimming! Rock climbing!
-People. People are oh so wonderful.
-Some very welcome bursts of focus/productivity at work
-I’m going on vacation soon, and will get to spend lots of time outside in the west. Which is important.
-I put the shawl pins up on Etsy
-Reading books. Knitting.
-The person who INVENTED fold-forming is giving a talk in my neighborhood tonight! Yay!
-I get to go back to the lovely yoga class on Sunday, and we’re going on a retreat when I get back from vacation (Past Mes who have come home wanting a vacation from being on vacation are nodding sagely at this, though I don’t fully understand why yet.)
Oh, this week! Candles and squees and heart-sighs for everyone! Moving and finding words and quitting jobs and everything good/hard/advancing.
This week was Rally! Which is screwing up my conception of hards and good. Because one of the superpowers is Everything is Great. Which it is. So, hard? Pfft. Not that you weren’t still hard. But kinda great.
Because omg the crazy realizations and structures discovered and distilled and reborn and the heart-illuminating conversations (thanks Lady Chuck!) and the gorgeous daydreams and and and. . . . -o- -o-
Well. Everything is different. Now to live out exactly how. Loves.
V. good week. Rally is like pie: it makes everything better. (And Rally 22 was like grilled cheese plus pie!)
Even the hard of re-entry to non-Playground world was tempered with new tools of “oops, doin’ that thing again” and force fields and happy.
Now, permission to just use today to re-adjust. And sending all sorts of love to everybody, because I’ve got tons. 🙂
The hard – Post-rally blues. Yep. The dry & dusty of home is literally & metaphorically how it feels to leave Portland/Rally. And the “outside” world is zipping past in a loud, crazy, everything-is-urgent way. Missing the peace and acceptance. Heat. Being bothered by things that normally don’t bother me. Back to real life & wanting things to happen, with all the potential for worry, inertia and wanting to hide.
The Good – Rally! The magic of Rally – Being in it & seeing it in action for everyone = exponential increase in understanding & the power of the tools. Things I could have only absorbed by being there. Slippery, disorienting pattern-shifting & “Agg! What the heck am I doing at Rally – I suck! Why the hell am I talking! (or not talking)” – and that just being my stuff & I was OK with it b/c Rally culture is so awesome. Hopping Shiva Nata – Color – Stations – Yowl! My brain is still downloading useful things & finding new, better ways to deal with the hard. Thanks, entry/exit.
Random people connections at Rally! Hi, person who knows the same person I do – Hi, fellow alum – Hi, nice waiter from my state if you read this – Hi, name-sharer – Hi everyone from Rally 22!
Chimichurri sauce – where have you been all my life? You too, Kennedy School/soaking pool/flowers.
Ease of travel with force field & intentions – Flight delay that threatened my connection, but not stressing over it. Yay for sweet gate agents & the pilots who made up 30 minutes of time in the air so it was all a non-issue anyway.
Pattern-deconstructing, walking, clew-finding, writing w/markers, finding words, shaking things up & letting them gracefully fall into place. Home. Happy loved ones & pets – I have been missed!
Sending everyone the power of Rally!
The hard: my brain melted. I didn’t have too much hard AT rally: it was all quite subtle and doable.
But: My monsters cleverly hoarded it all and dumped it on me the morning after rally. Total non-linear ooze.
Certain patterns I have just dodged, I am now seeing I want to sneak up on to get unstuck from and this morning that felt so impossible.
Certain things that I sort of lived with now feel like: this must not be. And yet the reality of making it so seems impossible, draining, and that feels sad.
The good:
Rally! Too many subtle and profound shifts to sort out
I am sorting them out
I did shiva nata for the first time at rally and I could feel it moving the patterns & memories in my brain, much like EMDR does but quicker maybe? More fun for sure
Powerful nap superpower at rally
Bruce superpower
Portland is so magical, I have adjusted to the weird surprise of how open & nice people are on the bus & in general
After a long nap today the non linear monster ooze shook itself off and became quiet little nondramatic possibilities, so that is a relief.
Remembering that I have to remember the regular strengthening of force fields.(the hard of this is how much it has cost me to have forgotten to do so.)
The excellent Rallions, sending happy bubbles & hums
Xo
The hard:
– Came down with fever, cough, cold which a. ruined a weekend by the seaside and b. totally knocked out everything I had planned for the last week before the big move.
– I had hoped to leave my city and head for the new place tanned and relaxed and now I am a coughing pale bundle.
– Honestly, I have no idea where to gather strength for two days in the car, move, new job, settling into a new place.
– Support from husband rather zero-ish.
– Last day is coming up tomorrow, I am so not good with last days.
– Struggling with way too much stuff at once.
The good:
– My kineologist is an insightful angel.
– Finding out whose pain I am possibly re-living and discovering two really useful books about the generation whose parents were marked by war experiences and the transgenerational traumas.
– Bought white sage for smoke cleansing of my new place and my new office. Cleansed my current bedroom and slept so much better.
The hard:
– The noise. Between our neighbours putting in a refurbished kitchen, a new driveway down the road and some questionable music – there has been way too much loud + banging noises this week. And they’re still at it today.
– Endings. A mixture of sadness, relief, and sadness for the things that will now no longer happen.
– Tumble dryer breaking.
– Yesterday being the day of frustration.
The good:
– Sunshine! Warmth! Going to the beach and sitting there reading and even taking a few dips in the sea. Going in the sea! Felt so healing and good and loving.
– I sent the Radiance Kit into the world. I made a thing! And worked out how to sell it! And people have purchased it!
– Lots of ideas for doable things to for my biz. Yay!
– Shamanic Journeying! I am so in love with this and love love love doing journeys for other people. Who love me journeying for them. Win!
– Doing my tax return, and it being an ease-filled process. Woot! Plus finding out I’m owed some moneys.
– Giving myself spaciousness with time.
– Reading some awesome books.
Love to all the chickeners – and sparkly wishes for the next week. <3
Hi, Saturday chicken this week.
The Hard
*I met a huge monster this week. He’s related to one of the ones in the monster colouring book.He’s called It Will Be Just Like THAT Bad Time. I’ve tried to use some of the tactics from the book but I’m stuck. He’s very convincing and sort of rational.Tells me he’s just protecting me from myself. He’s got a pal too called You Are Not to be Trusted.Ever. I don’t know what to do with them. Every time I try to work with him he shows me just how BAD that time was and his pal shows me just how I brought it on myself. The thing is I feel they are sort of right, it was bad and it was my fault.
*Now they are hiding behind a wall refusing to talk to me, just re-playing uncomfortable scenes from the bad time. More work needed. I can’t just give up or they’ll stop me doing anything new and I really want to find my new thing.
*Tired and hot, makes it hard to deal with monsters.
*Getting stuck on my way back from somewhere that should have been relaxing and wasn’t and then taking 5 hot, nasty, confused hours to get home. It normally takes one hour.
*Doing things I didn’t really want to do. Silent retreat on the details.
The Good
*One of the things I didn’t want to do was lovely in the end and worth doing. (Nasty little monster just popped up & said “See,your judgement is not to be trusted!”Argh!)
*My sweetie, for 101 reasons.
*Getting round London actually mostly easier than usual. Londoners so worried about the transport that they are staying home!
*Seeing other chickeneers getting their things out into the world. I love that and I wish I could buy all of them!
Oh, little chicken! Hello! I like you.
My friend Maureen gave me some mind-blowing coaching this week, and it led straight to Bolinas. Bolinas has been coming up a lot for me over the past week, and I only really figured it out today. Bolinas is like Bolivia, only where Bolinas is everything desirable: beauty, ease, friends, perfect weather, kindness, warmth, coolth, love and good food.
I went to a teeny (15 kids in my graduating class) hippie boarding school in Colorado and I graduated a million years ago. My diploma, which is handcrafted and colored and calligraphed, includes a photo of all my teachers there. I love it, and it’s been in storage for nearly a million years. I finally got its frame fixed this week and am hanging it up. It makes me so happy.
At the time I was going to hippie boarding school, I wished I were really going to some New England ivy-covered preppie joint. Now that I’ve gotten out more, in the intervening years, and have something to compare my school experience with, I am so grateful. Omigosh! Thank you, my freaky unconventional Boulderite parents! Lifesaver.
And then also this week I walked 25345086968 miles. It was wonderful. Body loves that!
And I’ve been listening to lots of old Kitchen Table calls and DEAR HEAVEN thank you Havi! What an amazing treasurehouse of luscious wisdome. Thank you, thank you!
What a nice week.
Cheers Chickeneers!
The Hard
– not sleeping in my own bed for a week
– technology snafu that occurred while my online students were in the middle of an exam – Oh, The Frantic Emails! (it’s just one guy)
– the breakout from hell
The Good
– Rally-A-Go-Go
– pear cognac
– my dad’s happy retirement day (over 30 years at the same job – can you imagine?)
Chicken!
The hard:
* I am easily annoyed! All of the monsters who went on monster-cation for Rally (Rally!) were easily annoyed by all other things. Why isn’t everything exactly how I want it right now?
* Jetlag! It melted my brain for a whole day in both directions. Not my favorite.
* Mysterious low-grade food issue. What is causing you? I wish I knew!
* Camera sadness! My camera has a sad. It needs a camera spa. So whole trip with no real-camera pictures. Sadface mouse!
*Post-Rally Monster says that it doesn’t matter how amazing Rally is, because I am just not going to change my life.
The good:
* Rally (Rally!) I love you, Rally. And me-at-Rally. And my project, and Shiva Nata, and secret sign language and the huge ahhhhh of being done with a massive emotional thing that was obviously not at all related to my project (hello, fractal flowers!)
* Portland! All the amazing foods. Vegetarian options everywhere! Powell’s Books. Alberta Street. Voodoo Doughnuts whose names are not appropriate for family-friendly venues! Even the weather was great.
*Scientists. This is my invisible clipboard! I am investigating the hypothesis that I will be able to make changes with the qualities of sweetness and support and safety and delight. I am remembering the superpower of noticing what is true.
* When people talk to me, they are mostly giving me information about their stuff. Yes. This helps with everything.
* The hard was hard in the way that it actually was, not in the way that me having stuff about it is. This is amazing.
* My flight had the qualities of rest and ease and speediness! Even the crying babies wanted these qualities.
*My swing is my swing.
Massive Rally-love to all of my fellow Rallions! Sparkles across the continent!
Wow, a lot of big stuff happening this week. I light a candle too.
In revue, with annotations:
The hard:
-Important request put on hold by the powers that be for 3 months. OOF.
-Appeal was met by Mount Rushmore (proxy). SIGH.
-B. does certain things that make me uncomfortable, and we’ll have to have a conversation about that. DREAD.
-Hours of preparation for a voyage. Got under way but ship subjected to some vocal criticisms by the people I was preparing it for. TEETH GRITTING.
-Heat saps energy. WILT.
-A person who walked away from me seems to be walking back, asking me to help with a project I was shut out of. A lot of stuff to sort through, to what purpose? FEH.
The good:
-Spent two days in a class learning about a new profession. It ain’t rocket science, I could do this. DING!
-Weather has improved and so has everyone’s mood. WHEW.
-Mustered my wits and solved a problem. SMART.
-I know you walked away, but you never really went too far. Perhaps it is for the best. IT IS WHAT IT IS.
-After about a week of brain fog, am able to think and read again. DAMN HORMONES.
All best to the chickeneers. As always reading these comments is so helpful!
So much hard this week. So much pain. Lighting a candle for mine and for all of yours.
I don’t have the energy to Chicken just yet, though I want to. But I just wanted to share this one thing that I found on the Internet today. It is the ONLY thing that has made me feel any better today. So I wanted to share it so that it might be able to help other Chickeneers and Beloved Lurkers.
http://thenicestplaceontheinter.net/
Cluck!
Hard stuff
– cold weathers.
– money juggling.
– forgetting that I’m not responsible for everything (overwhelming to the point of despair).
– sad about All That Must Be Done (surely!) even though I’m not responsible for all of it. And the tragedy of it all.
– confusing now with then, even though the context is different.
– name-change woozification.
– busy.
Good stuff
+ birthday love.
+ money to juggle.
+ remembering Truth.
+ knowing that sadness is just Love In High Contrast. Somehow the hardness of being sad feels more survivable when I connect to the bedrock, which is love. The bedrock is fast. The waters of sadness can wash over me and through me and around me. I will not drown. Love is where I live. Even if I have to take big, deep breaths sometimes to remind myself that I’m still alive now. And now. And now. Until it passes.
+ remembering that Now is NOT Then and that the context is completely different so the Then rules don’t even nearly apply Here and Now. Pheewww…..
+ thing (thing!) taking form in the hard. A little. http://www.themakingspace.com/
related…
+ name change congruencing, even though the new spaciousness that comes with identity change feels strange. Spaciousness for both things to be true.
also related…
+ writing. Even if some of it wasn’t what I wanted to write. Even if a LOT of time was spent hiding under the table for writing anything at all. (Hello all new Very High Scores on Bejeweled!)
And even more related…
+ remembering that I have permission to write crappily, in fact that’s kind of the POINT.
+ The Nicest Place On The Inter dot Net. thanks Whitney!
+ bestie is travelling via home before going to the Place Where She Lives which I resent for making her feel like it’s her Home even though Home should be closer to me. Still, VISIT!!!! Yay.
+ beloved family coming out in February for a MONTH!!
xoxox
chicken!
HARD
+feeling like i have awkwardness in my friendship [with Friends A&B] for no explicable reason other than that my monsters are telling me it’s awkward, probably
+icky conversation with dad and especially the part where i blurted out something i really didn’t mean to say out loud which is totally not a thing that i do
+my computer keeps overheating, gah!
+worrying that i was going to get a cold and have to cancel all my plans
+water bottle woes!
GOOD
+singing singing singing singing SINGING!!
+awesome times with my a cappella people
+going to dorney park and riding all the rollercoasters!
+more singing!
+meeting [new friends]!
+singing happy birthday to our two-year-old friend in the middle of a cute little deli
+exhibiting my fierceness when my gender identity was somehow considered debatable
+battlestar galacticathon!
+making adorable baby blankets for my friends who keep making adorable babies!
+playing with found poetry
+playing my guitar!
+asking [friend] about using The Space for [secret magic playgroundy goodness]!
+teleclass with BARBARA SHER!!
So much week!
the suck:
-hard transitioning back to work + kids
-skipping things like watering the garden means garden becomes crispy
-Sir Gerald and his fucking kumquats. just wheni get to thinking i’ve acoomodated them, it hits like a slap in the face
-There is No Spoon doesnt mean i wont throw money, time and effort at the Spoon. I managed to pull it back a bit and then, feh, right back where I was
-and on Saturday nite, I lost my cool in so egregious a manner. Massive SHAME
-getting much better at doing something unsovereign and non-integrous.
-it’s not easy living in Bolivia. this weekend i had several meltdowns about the sucky living conditions and the perfidy of those !@#$%$%^^ llamas.
-poor sleep (thanks to NOT doing my Exiting the Day routine = more obnoxious)
-feeling deeply like i’m off tracj and not keepign mky eye on the ball and missing the point
the awesome:
-despite a WHOLE LOT of reasons to be deep in thr shame-spiral today, i have extended compasison and understanding. losing my cool was because i am pushed in tersm of patience, respect and rest. When everything exerts the pressure, the pressure releaes in bad ways
-committed to doing more to relieve the pressure
-my apple trees are really loaded down this year. Hope!
-my husband extended a lot of love and kindness in the wake of above cool-loosing and melting down.
-having built in support, i am grateful to use it
-i painted!
-journaling on Art of Embarking tools is becomign second nature. i’m using these toools a lot and they really help.
-time at the pool
-after nearly 3 weeks, I Flailed
-despite missing yoga yesterday, I did my pilates and stretching etc.
-good friends watching their deepest, ickiest pattersn opening up, shifting, fading. So much relief and excitement.
-feeling soemthing similar (altho re-visiting the whole Spoon thing is delaying progress)
-despite the expense, having both cars up and ruinning and safe is very nice.
-getting thru the to-do list. tgetting props for all i acoomplished
-a sudden desire to eat better and get more acrfive, and ideas on how to do this. this whole thing is incredibly loaded and vulnerable for me. I’m folding it into Project Natasha for the sake of the proxy, because parts of this are triggering me and i didnt expect that at all.