In which I cover the good stuff and the hard stuff in my week, trying for the non-preachy, non-annoying side of ritual and self-reflection.
And you get to join in if you feel like it.
I am often baffled that it’s already Friday but this week it really somehow strikes me as extra astonishing. Did two days just go missing?
Did I sleep through a chunk of the week? I do not know.
The hard stuff
Today! Grrr!
So I was really into my new plan of Friday Is Puttering Day!
And I am still really into it, but today I had what seems like a hundred meetings. And they had to happen today for various reasons but right now I just want to complain about this.
Complain!
This week went by way too fast. Way way way too fast.
Time! Time!
This is not okay.
Gigantic disappointment.
I looked forward to something for months and did a lot of work to make it happen and it was supposed to happen on Saturday and I thought it was happening, and then, due to circumstances beyond my control, it turned out that it can’t actually happen.
I don’t want to talk about this other than to register that I feel sad about it.
I want a community.
Going to the not-right place for Rosh HaShana reminded me again of wanting my tribe of fun jew-positive people to do holidays with, and not having this yet.
Recovery from Rally.
Oh, right. That’s where this week went.
Rally is amazing. Integrating the big changes that happens: that is a process. A welcome one. And also one that takes time.
Forgiveness is exhausting.
Mmm. That’s another reason for why this week disappeared.
I did a lot of difficult emotional processing and then I slept. A lot.
Supportive thing didn’t work out.
Something that was designed to help me with my work and make things easier is actually making them harder.
Systems stuff
I am not a systems person. I am really good with vision and I am really good with culture and I am really good with making stuff happen.
But systems. This week we got hung up on systems and there wasn’t anyone who could help.
Tough meeting with business mentor.
I’ll take a silent retreat on this one.
Fun thing that I wasn’t expecting appeared, only to be canceled.
Ach, well.
There is a person I adore who shows up in my life suddenly and unexpectedly, and begins to unravels things. But/and! This person is trouble! And also very very fun.
So. This person. This person blew into town unannounced, declared it beer night (this is part of the tradition), and then suddenly had to leave before I got to see them.
It’s there and then it isn’t there. And when it’s not there, you get used to it not being there. But when it’s almost there….
Anticipation. My favorite and least favorite drug.
Headache.
And worry.
The good stuff
Saturday.
All-day playdate with my playmate.
Possibly the best way ever to come back down from Rally.
Beach day.
Danielle and I went to the Pacific ocean and napped in the sun.
I didn’t bring my phone, which was marvelous.
I wrote all day.
And did Tashlich. I threw all of the things I am done with into the ocean in the form of breadcrumbs, and everything was absolved and everything was better. And the ocean made me a promise.
Forgiveness.
I forgave all the people from then.
Everyone that when I think about them I think “they can die in a fire” got attention. No fires. I’m done with fires. They can go have a picnic in a meadow. They can bustle around the village.
I still don’t have to like them or want to see them, but I am done being angry. It all went into the ocean and what came out was truth and love.
Stones return. Lots of things return.
Sometimes you think that a thing is gone and will never be back.
But sometimes it does come back. And sometimes you get a second chance and even a third chance.
This week there were do-overs. And I feel grateful and appreciative.
Working with athletes.
Ran a private training for an injured star, and we are doing magic, you guys!
Magic.
This is something I want to be doing more of. And I want it to be exactly this much fun.
Getting stuff done.
Big important stuff.
PROGRESS!
Sleeping.
I went to bed at 8:30 more than once this week.
So much sleeping.
It’s fantastic.
Happy body. And putting it first.
Dance and yoga and shiva nata (oh dear god the epiphanies this week!) and walking and stretching and moving and bouncing.
It feels like we’ve jumped up a level or two in terms of strength, agility and endurance.
All I want to do is move and play. Gazelle state. Happiness.
Letting my body make all the decisions used to be so hard for me. Remember? My body is the CEO. It isn’t hard anymore. It just makes sense. My body is just where I live now.
Playdates.
My playmate and I play so well together. It’s ridiculous.
I have all the smiles.
Something to look forward to.
Looking. Forward.
Friends coming to visit.
Also this.
Regionals! Tonight!
This roller derby season has been a roller coaster of crazy!
And now it’s finally Western Regionals, and I am so excited I can hardly stand it.
This is going to be my entire weekend. And I am going to lose my voice. And we are going to Atlanta for Championships, and we are going to kill it. You heard it here.
I feel good right now.
There are a lot of beautiful little things to smile about.
And I am remembering to smile about them.
Feeling content more often than not.
And you are here. And I like that. Thank you for keeping me company on this 217th Friday in a row.
Playing live at the meme beach house — it’s the Fake Band of the Week!
Background? Ez and I make up bands. Stu (retired Bolshevik-fearing voice-to-text software) once translated “people will hate me and be jealous” to “they’ll hang out at my Meme Beach House“. It’s just one guy.
This week’s band:
Robotic Applesauce.
I can’t tell you much about them other than that they kind of look like robots.
And, of course, it’s really just one guy.
Hallo Hallo! I am saying Hallo Hallo. Announcement time.
Picture me wearing that crazy hat…
I am going to recommend the monster manual & coloring book this week again.
It is that good. I use the stuff in here all the time. And it works. This is most of why this week wasn’t a total nightmare of a disaster for me.
That’s it for me …
Join my Friday ritual in the comments if you feel like it. Or call silent retreat!
We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. And we don’t give advice (unless people specifically ask for it).
Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.
Shabbat shalom.
p.s. It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — join in whenever (or not) and it’s no big deal.
Hard:
* cans of worms –> squirminess
* red tape –> feeling smothered by Other Entity’s stuff
* feeling ignored
* sadness about not having enough me for all the people and things I want to me with
Good:
* came across a Really Major Clew today. Scared and pleased about the new options it presents
* met five deadlines
* won/started new project
* time with mom-in-law
* time with girlfriends
* unexpected encounters
* crispy tofu
Shabbat shalom, y’all.
I am doing the chicken dance! In my head! To the sweet, sweet sounds of Robotic Applesauce. Like a fairground stripper.
The Hard:
– My friend was going to spend time with me and then he didn’t. And my monsters have made up a story and it’s not a pretty one. Nor is it a true one, but bleh.
– Wanting to work on the thing. Not working on the thing. Working on some other things. All the (useful and) hard hard hard information about myself that is still not enough information to either work on the thing or feel okay about not working on the thing.
– The thing where I came to a pattern in a completely different way than I usually do, and this would have made it so much better, but instead someone else decided to take that day to be in their stuff and yell at me so the experience was still super sucky. I cried. And pouted. Hardcore.
– People close to me being in their stuff in general. But even when they know they’re in their stuff (which is, luckily, often), they are not able to stop radiating it out all every which way. Nor are they able to play with me. Frustrating.
– Stretch marks. A very very old part of me is very very sad and scared right now.
– Seeing all the patterns.
The Good:
– Beautiful trip down to my mother-in-law’s. Of which I enjoyed almost every moment. Including: the most amazing transformative perfect beautiful six hours in a yurt in the woods… AND a walk along a secret path with a secret entrance that was similarly perfect-beautiful.
– Much time spent on semi-secret music project. Joyously.
– So someone hired me to do some contract work for them in a field in which I have almost no experience, and it’s actually turning out really nicely. I only said yes because they’re family and I thought I’d regret it but it turns out I’m pretty competent at this. And speedy.
– I got so much done this week! Not only was I processing Rally, not only did I go out of town, not only did I have another similarly powerful experience to Rally…but I came back and fixed a TON of things in the house.
– Great visit with the midwife. Feeling SO SUPER EXCITED about the little octopus babylet doing all its turns and kicks and flips. Best babylet ever. Who will eventually turn head down, I’ve no doubt. At the moment he or she is experimenting with being sideways, which is interesting for both of us.
– Sounds like we’ll close on the purple house next week? At any rate, some movement will happen and that’s good. By the first week of October we’ll have a house and there’s a very good chance that it’ll be the purple house and that will be FANTASTIC.
– Unexpected monies! To the tune of exactly-how-much-I-needed. And then a little extra. Possibly enough for an iphone if I am extra crafty. (Oh-it-would-be-so-nice-not-to-have-a-five-year-old-mostly-broken-flip-phone.)
– I went to a new ecstatic dance, all by myself, in a new place. And danced my butt off for two hours and fell into the most deliciously deep exhausted sleep afterwards. You guys! I’m dancing again! Also feeling amazingly fit considering the whole 7.5-months-pregnant-extra-twenty-pounds thing. I danced the *whole* time.
– Bought new office supplies. Office supplies are always good, and these ones are exceptionally perfect.
– I fixed my printer! This means: a.) I am a genius, b.) I can print things from my. own. computer. again, c.) the things I print will actually print nicely, and d.) I didn’t have to buy a printer (freeing up money for an iphone). Yaying all the yays!
– Most of the things that me-from-Rally told me not to worry about have already been resolved favorably. The rest are looking hopeful. Which makes trusting the not-worrying a whole lot easier. Even things where it really seems worry is warranted. Not in this case!
Wow, I can’t believe all of that happened. I’m feeling a little better about my monsters’ general theory of today (that I didn’t do anything at all). Because overall this week was great. AND productive.
Haven’t chickened in a long time. Which is, of course, ok, because amnesty. But right now feels like the right moment for a chicken, as I deal with the pain of hard mixed with gratitude for good.
The Hard:
I’m sitting in Logan Airport at 10:39 pm waiting for my brother to arrive many hours late after a hellacious night and day of traveling. My own day was spent traveling – J and I arrived here this afternoon from Texas. We are here because my grandfather’s funeral is tomorrow.
Travel issues are hard.
Death and funerals are so incredibly hard.
Trying to deal with work this week was hard.
People saying horrible bigoted insensitive things to co-workers (and in front of the public!) is hard, especially when I am the one in charge at the time, so I feel like I need to do something with this hard thing.
Staying up way too late because I’m behind on a project is hard. As is discovering that midnight pizza is no longer the cure all it was in college.
Feeling uncomfortable in my own skin is hard.
The Good:
I have a loving family. I was lucky enough to have a wonderful grandfather who lived a long and happy life to the age of 94.
My own travel went well today.
My brother is arriving, when for awhile it looked like that wasn’t even going to happen.
The 15 minute neck and back massage at the airport express spa.
A successful class taught on Tuesday, with a wonderfully flattering response from the students.
Being able to use the tools And techniques I’ve learned to allow the hard to be hard and make space for the good stuff and be a little kind to myself thru it all.
Sideways week, for sure.
Hard:
Not really wanting to go to the Tuesday thing, but going anyway because DH wanted to go.
Shoes about my dog.
Flat tire yesterday when I needed to run all the errands.
DH running into my ex at the tire place and being all weird about it in text message. Finding out my ex had been in an accident.
Ex stuff coming back because of this incident.
Missing my ex today.
Good:
Taking the shoes to the Floop and talking it out. Realizing it’s not my stuff. Thank you Floop!
Flat tire happened a block from home, before I got on the highway, so I was able to turn around and go back home without a tow truck.
Honey cake.
Wonderful Hobbit’s Second Breakfast today with a small group of friends. Connecting with someone who lives in my very tiny town, yay!
Yellow pants from Old Navy.
Painting *all* the things. Oh yes, why did it take me so long to get here? But yay, I am so glad I did.
Hugs for everyone’s hard, if you want hugs, and yays for the good.
Hard:
-Lots of being sick. Like, the kind of being sick where even knitting is too much. Also not *realizing* I was sick for a couple of days, just feeling terrible and spacey and not knowing why. That was particularly scary.
-Waiting to hear back about a thing. Hard to be patient and not get caught up in Then and not feel in limbo.
-A pattern involving wanting what I can’t have because I can’t have it. At least that’s how I perceive the pattern right now.
-Hosting a friend who was visiting town but not being able to be my usual self with her because of the being-sick thing.
Good:
-I’m feeling better now! Doing things! Not falling apart any more! I rode my bike today and it was The Best.
-I have bite-sized studio projects to play with soon. And a possible System for collecting bite-sized projects and making notes about them and stuff. It turns out there are options besides just having a notebook that you scribble stuff into and then never look at again. Who knew?
-I finished knitting a pretty shawl. (Oo, maybe I can take pictures of it for Ravelry tomorrow. Doing things!)
-I’m starting a Coursera class on user interfaces next week. It’s free, and it’s a facet of my career stuff that I’m really interested in, but don’t have a lot of formal background. So getting a sturdier foundation of knowledge will be really good. (I haven’t taken a class in a while, though–some processing to do here. Now Is Not Then.)
-I’ve found and played part of a really great video game that reminds me of Myst. And discovered an online comic about a princess who rescues another princess.
-My housemate’s baby is quite a handful, but he’s also adorable and fascinating to observe as he learns things.
-It’s fall, which means all my favorite outfits are becoming plausible again. Leggings! Layering! Hooray!
Happy weekend, everyone.
“I want a community.
Going to the not-right place for Rosh HaShana reminded me again of wanting my tribe of fun jew-positive people to do holidays with, and not having this yet.”
THIS! OH THIS. SO MUCH THIS.
It wasn’t until I started reading this blog that I realized there’s a part of me that’s still Jewish, that still responds to the marrow, the ethical and emotional and ritual ideas, of Judaism. And in recent months I’ve been longing for that and not knowing what to do with it. Because yeah, you can tashlich solo, but it just ain’t the same.
(If anybody reading this is in Chicago / has a lead on secular/humanist/new-age/[???] Jews in Chicago-not-the-suburbs / wants to commiserate about the despite-the-internet obscurity of secular/humanist/[???] Jews / whatever, let’s talk! Man oh man, let’s talk.)
Me too on the where has this week gone thing!
The hard:
Having nightmares that I was suffocating and then waking up struggling for breath several times a night for a couple of days due to a the virus that last weekend’s sniffles turned into. See also: dazed, apathetic, feeling way more doomey than normal, inspiration taking the days off.
Disappointment. Hello again!
Wanting to do something very much and not seeing how I can swing it financially.
Feeling like I got so little of what I wanted to do accomplished this week. Sad face.
The most disgusting veggie sausage roll I’ve ever eaten. Bleurgh.
The good:
Sunshine!
Taking myself off to brighton and sitting in the park reading my book, nibbling yummy fruitiness and then taking myself off for interesting conversation at the pub.
When I got to the pub and no-one else was there, just getting a drink and reading my book and actually enjoying the experience instead of freaking out. Wowzers. And then people turned up.
Ideas starting to bubble up again.
Being kind to myself when feeling ill. Snuggling in bed with some awesome books.
Kitties being cutesome.
Dresses arrived and are GORGEOUS!
Sparkles for everyone’s weekends and weeks! 🙂
Saturday Chicken!
The Hard:
Accidentally washed my favorite hand knit hat. Felted! Sadness.
Finding friendships exhausting this week.
Liking someone and not knowing if I should say “hey, something something something” or not. But really the answer is that you should always say something, right? [actual answers appreciated here] Even if they might say no thank you. You should always always dare.
The Good:
Found another skein of yarn to reproduce the hat.
Having the freedom to choose where I spend my time and with whom and saying no thank you to that which doesn’t serve me.
Fall! And no traveling this weekend. And maybe a walk in the woods.
Happy New Year to those who celebrate! And happy autumnal equinox/Mabon to those who celebrate!
My Ouch Hards:
– Sick on Thursday and Friday. The kind of sick where you don’t feel like you’re walking straight, and you’re bumping into walls and other people.
– Money woes continue, and while we’re doing well, I have nothing spare when sickness hits and I’m craving, oh, a wee bittle cup of Ciao Bella pistachio gelato. Or thai food, for that matter. Which I’m craving more and more for some reason.
– I’d bought a new rolling suitcase thing that had a CRAZY squeaky wheel which was driving me berserk.
– Skin erosions returning in the crooks of my elbows. They hurt and itch at the same time.
– A guy finally came to fix our kitchen appliances, but didn’t fix them and isn’t coming back until Monday. HELLO our freezer keeps UNFREEZING, people.
– Having to do some emergency cleaning when I found out he was coming, when I was already sick and off-balance.
– Unidentifiable itchy bites on my legs after having been at work, which had me scratching for two days. Very odd.
My Whee Goods:
* Incoming Writer Self Metis. I am filled with gratitude for her presence.
* Lovelyman and I have, for the past week, been waking up together and walking the dog together. And while we’re both tired, it has been such a lovely soothing thing for us to do, and it has made me so so happy to have the moments before we go off to work be together, hand in hand, with one of our roos.
* The rolling suitcase, man! I LOVE this thing! Vastly better for my body than carrying two laptops in a backpack, sheesh! There are some awkwardnesses when on the train, but in general, it’s EXCELLENT. And WD40 solved the squeakery of the wheel and now it’s just whispery and perfect.
* The cloudforest is starting to become vastly more congruent. A space for rug-and-pouf for laying down, sitting, musing, Shiva Nata… yumspace.
* Equinox on the first day bliss day! WOOHOO! Fortuitous!
* Making progress on cleaning the filth in the kitchen.
* Rugs! The soft purple one in the cloudforest! The blues-and-greens runners in the hallways! The orange and purple ones made from recycled straws! I don’t know why, but I find them SO EXCITING 🙂
All sorts of love to everyone who chickens and all who read.
Lots of love for everyone’s Chickens. Mine is a Saturday morning Chicken, streching and doing some Shiva Nata in the sunshine.
Happy fall to all us North Hemisphere peeps! Happy spring to all the South Hemisphere peeps! I love fall 🙂
The Hards:
-Spent the workweek falling asleep at 9 pm, on a couch, then being woken up at 5:30 am, working 7:30-11 am, bussing to job #2, then working from 2-5:45 pm, then going home, eating dinner, and crashing.
-My constant state of sleepiness and overwhelm, despite copious cups of coffee, made it so I kep forgetting things and making miscalculations.
-My monsters came out and attacked me when I made mistakes, in ways that haven’t happened in a while. I wasn’t prepared for it.
-My brain is scrambled, fried, melty and covered in ketchup. I can’t think of a week where I ever had to learn more information all at once.
-Adjusting to standing and walking almost 8 hours a day. Needing to ask for accommidations, which I got, but the asking was scary. The mornings where I was limping so bad I felt like I’d rather crawl.
-My arms are sore from picking up squirming 8-year-olds and taking them away from unsafe areas.
-I spent a whole week away from my kitty.
-And I miss the Gentleman Friend.
-I got my work ID, and the photo of me is prettymuch the worst picture ever.
-Getting all my boundaries tested by elementary school children, in the forms of screaming, running away, becoming dead weight, defiance, hitting, kicking, and staring contests. I almost lost it a couple of times.
-Thursday night. Silent Retreat.
-Not having any time to do things like go grocery shopping, go see the doctor, make phone calls that have to happen during business hours, ect.
-My mp3 player died, hopefully temporarily.
-All the stuff I keep forgetting to get done.
-Being in my stuff about not being able to shave my legs/trim my eyebrows as much as I want to. And then feeling stoopid for even forcusing on it when I have so much important stuff to take care of first.
-Very behind on GG, which is one of my simple pleasures in life.
The Goods:
+I survived my week! Weds and Thurs were the worst bits but Friday was Fun Friday at both work places, both literally and figuratively. Yay!
+I made money this week, even though I don’t get paid for a bit. This makes me feel secure and useful.
+My Gentleman Friend. We are now Facebook Official. We are so awesome together and for each other that sometimes it’s like I special-ordered him from the Universe.
+I am discovering Miss Whitney, who is firm but fair, who is kind but not a pushover, and who does not lose her patience with the kids.
+It’s officially Fall today. Though I think that Fall starts right after Labor Day. Looking forward to leaves, crisp air, holidays, birthdays, deep blue sky, and all the other wonderful Fall things.
+My eating patterns have begun to rearrange themselves on their own. I just get full so much quicker now, and I’m not even sure why.
+Even though I worked really really hard this week, I got to fit in some play with the kids. That was really precious. I think they liked having Miss Whitney play with them, too.
+Relatedly, I realized that the fears that I still had about working in the school system were just monster-projections, and that I didn’t need to worry about them so much.
+Sunday morning breakfast, and plans in the works to do other fun things, like a picnic and a train adventure.
+My bosses and colleagues have all been giving me very positive feedback about my job performance. When I need to learn something or I made a mistake, it just gets explained to me, no one yells or is mad at me. I love it.
+Good things are happening in the lives of people I care about.
+I treated myself to a half-hour massage. So so good.
*Takes a deep breath and releases the Chicken*
Oh, weekend. How did you get here so fast?
This week’s hard:
– Lots and lots and lots to do. Was on good track to not overschedule myself, then a couple things came in that I wasn’t quite expecting but couldn’t turn down, and whammo — there goes the day of fun.
– Crankiness. Frustration.
– Fell off the eating-stuff-that’s-good-for-me wagon — just a little, but enough that I can really tell a difference in how I feel. (Hmmmm… just might be stress related.)
This week’s excellent:
– Wrapped up a series of projects that were sucking the life out of me and not paying nearly enough. YEEEEEE-HAAAAAA!
This week’s good:
– Celebrated the project wrapping with a mini part of an afternoon of fun. Found a supply place I hadn’t been to yet and got some cool stuff, plus bought some new shoes.
– The playhouse in the backyard is gone! It was adorable, but it wasn’t being used, and we were able to give it to a family with young girls who will appreciate it. They finished the disassembling and hauling it away this morning. Now to figure out what will go in its place…
– Noticings. Despite the busy, made some time for pondering them and have some ideas.
– A couple of little bings.
Happy weekend, Chickeneers!
I always read the Chicken and think that I don’t have time to chicken, but somehow it’s always better when I do. Sily monsters – go play. I’m chickening.
The Hard
-Well, let’s start with I’m having a hard time remembering where this week started and ended.
-Was it really only a week ago that the friend I’m staying with had this crazy idea that we were going to be able to live together in a Studio apartment? Yeah, that was hard for a day until she realized that I was right… hah.
-Lots of driving. Portland–>Boise on Saturday, Boise –> Donnelly on Sunday, Donnelly–>Boise on Thursday.
-Moving around so much is still a bit disorienting especially when other people’s schedules are involved. Maybe there is sovereignty work to be done here…
-More confusion and oh-my-god-what-do-I-want-to-do-with-my-life which I may have let spiral slightly out of control.
-Dad called.. he’s having chest pains while exercising.. Angiogram on Monday. At least he went to a doctor right away but I really really really really don’t want to go through heart surgery with the other parent 6 months after the last one. Meh. I’m mostly ignoring this at the moment.
-PMS… making everything worse since the dawn of time!
-silent retreat
The Good
-So so so so many clews.
-Omg lucid dreaming. I’m still not quite good at the lucid bit, but I’m seriously good at dream recall. And finding out so many interesting things. I’m excited to have a new obsession… even if it means I’m having to sleep a bit longer because I keep waking up in the night. Also, doing shiva nata level 3 in my head seems to be better than counting to put myself into a wake-induced lucid dream…. keeps my brain more interested. And I’m practicing shiva nata in my sleep you guys! And I don’t mind making all the mistakes so much in my sleep.
-My car seems to be fixed.. for now? Really? I think. It’s behaving anyway.
-DIY Jewish holidays… I haven’t even wanted to go to services in years, but I did this year. Except Donnelly, ID doesn’t have jews. So I bought candles, apples, and a bottle of Manischevitz… and I threw bread in the lake. DIY. IT works!
-Advanced line dancing is the best. Seriously. Sad it’s over, but what a cool thing I randomly stumbled into in this random tiny town in Idaho.
-Talking to a friend for an hour and feeling really excited for his current projects.
-Talking to an old friend for an hour on his birthday and reminiscing/discussing all the weird of growing up.
-Finding exactly the help I needed from exactly the person I needed last night. Yay Floop-friends being on Skype at perfect right times.
-Gluten-free deliciousness in Boise! Who knew they would be so good at this? I have had more gluten-free sandwiches here than anywhere!!
-I kind of get my own mini-office for free at this neat business lounge place… this makes me feel super-fancy and I can actually work there.
-All the music. Music has recently become super-important for everything all the time.. I think this is a rally after-effect.
-Epiphanical awesomeness! I’ve only done one really solid shiva nata practice since rally, but the bings are still coming. Also, I can just suddenly do level 3. And I got some great thoughts last night about where to practice while traveling so my new goal is to practice in as many places as possible. heh.
The end. Happy weekend!
I don’t know if it’s appropriate to do this (and I’ll totally understand if it isn’t) but I’ve heard of this Jewish community group:
http://www.jewishgateways.org/
Love reading everyone’s chickens!
The hard:
-Coming back from vacation, then getting sick. And then everyone in my house now being sick.
-Discomfort in the staff meeting. Yeah, I’m still thinking that certain people can die in a fire. Haven’t gotten to let that go yet.
-Approaching sad anniversaries. They are already making me sad.
The good:
-Taking care of myself, applying kittens as necessary, lying down when sick.
-Tiny shifts. Instead of thinking “I COULD FIX ALL THIS IF I COULD ONLY…” I realized I DON’T have to fix all this. And I CAN’T. I can channel my energy somewhere else. This is new. My tendency is to assume all responsibility to fix everything…BUT what if I don’t have to do that at all? Wow.
-Re-looking at my resume, getting professional help with this. I’m not giving up!
-Lovely weather. Concord grapes! Long sleeves. etc.
Good luck to everyone!
Cluck!
Hards
– the email. The revelations. The worry about the prognosis. The worry about the shakedown. The worry about two people I love so much. Heartache.
– the reverberations in my own life, and the tension breaking. Are there secret doors and passages? Is this configuration just Not Right? How do I make the call? #sotiredandabitweepy
– seeing how far Little Lad’s capacity drops in a crowd. Even a small familiar crowd. Worry about what it means for school next year. Which just feeds the monster who is ‘protecting’ us by assaulting me with visions of all the ways he’s going to be hurt and humiliated and manipulated. Which is
probDEFINITELY not what’s going to happen. I hope I hope I hope I hope hoommmnommmmmnnommmwitchysafecirclesaroundhimmybeautifulgormlessvulnerableboyyymmmmmmnommmm– bones filled with cement, head full of sinus crap, all the time low-grade headache, lower jiao ouchey boringnesses. I want my damn commune already so I can sign off from having to DO anything without my whole house and family falling to pieces! I want my sisters with me!!!!!
– cranky, whingey, whiny kids. Et tu, breutifuls?
– hubs working hard on new band, emanating all his stuff around the place. I feel compassion for his hardnesses and compassion for my sensitivity to stuff in the air and confusion about what to do and What It All Means.
– I am no good at parties. Full-stop, the end, it’s conclusive. Except when I’m drunk which doesn’t apply when it’s a kid’s party and I have given up hangovers anyway. I hope all the You’ve Offended Everyone And Nobody Had A Good Time And Everyone Thinks You’re Hopelessly Disorganised And Failey And Weird stuff will die down soon.
– my stuff. It is still there, obviously! I am still working on it. Still. It feels like such OLD stuff. Like stuff I should have figured out by now. *sigh* Oh new samskaras please make yourselves discernible.
– heartache for a friend who is in life reconfiguration mode not of her choosing (although I suspect it will turn out to be all for the best). Worry about health and apparent diminishing functional capacity of someone I both love and rely on.
Goods
+ safe places and whatever measure of spaciousness Working-On-My-Stuff for two years has provided.
+ communication is hard y’all, but at least there is some happening.
+ patterns with my mum are changing a bit. She/me/both? Whatever. Less gunky, I think.
+ Little Lad’s school for next year. Met with them to discuss support arrangements. I think they will do a good job. Also met with his specialist paediatrician and his BMI is on the 0th percentile which she insists is still acceptable, not abject failure but rather evidence of what a good job I’m doing. Plus we are doing requisite follow-ups. On Thursday morning we had an amazing play session together, sufficient that I took a photo of it and sent it to our speech therapist to show off the progress. And good stuff is happening at kinder, they are helping him eat properly and I was crazy impressed with the sophistication (comparatively) of the game he’d been playing WITH another kid that day. Oooommmnommmohgodwemightjustgettheremaybemaybemaybemaybehmmmmmmmommmmm
+ I Martha-ered it up a bit and made chocolate ‘volcano’ cupcakes with orange ‘lava’ icing, and chocolate crackles with Little Lad, and fruit kebabs with all the kids, and char siu pork banh mi which I wrapped individually with a funky twist in the paper and held together with twine and stacked in a wicker basket, omg totally pro catering! So if all the stories about my lack of social graces are true at least I fed people well.
+ I wrote a blergh-post! Well, rewrote an idea I’ve been muddling over since late last year but intensely so the last couple of weeks. Go go gadget writing skillz (or, at minimum willingness. I’ll take it.)
+ even when she is cranky my baby is a beautiful, easy wonderbaby. And cute factor a million, verified by independent experts. Mmmhmmm
+ spring is here. School holidays are here. The schedule slows down just a little bit for a few weeks. Thank goodness.
Cluck cluck. That’ll do. xoxo
Sunday Chicken 🙂
Yeah, where did that week go?
The Hard:
– getting back some kind of structure for my work days after kids’ summer vacations turns out to be pretty hard
– my partner being sick for a couple of weeks already and nobody having an explanation puts a strain on us plus double workloads for me
– cold weather and lots of rain when you already feel cold inside
– clients. Silent retreat on that one
The Good:
– finally got to a point where I was able to connect with myself again by the end of the week. Gigantic epiphanies. Lots of tears. Good ones.
– new projects – business is growing
– happy clients.
– Sunshine for today and next week. Heartwarming.
– New school for my aspergers’ son for two additional years, and he seems to like it.
– looking forward to finally getting back into my shiva nata and meditation routine next week, after weeks of trying
Have a wonderful Sunday today.
Sunday Chicken-Chicken, a little more than a week’s worth–don’t think I’ve done a chicken here in awhile.
The hard:
Many hours of depression of the almost-impossible-to-believe-it-will-get-better sort.
Choosing to escape into fiction for much more of my time than served me well–knowing that I was doing it and doing it anyway.
Downward spiral of seeing more stuff to do piling up, feeling even less room for hope, and running from it even harder. Repeatedly.
But there was still some good!:
Making pleasant first contacts with some additional destuckification-literate folks, using blog and twitter links. (Thanks to the First Mate for strongly recommending twitter, when I asked!)
New dance costume parts looking good, dance concert postcard looking fine, and good feedback on the new skirt from other dancers after pleasant Circle Dancing gathering to mark the equinox.
Made some potentially-helpful notes from the book Integrity: The Courage to Meet the Demands of Reality. Realized that I’d like a LOT more structured feedback than I currently have.
Pleasant exploratory cooking date with my friend Debbie. First try at Sunset Sauce turned out well, if sweeter than I was expecting. Lots of roasted peppers and tomatoes!
Good logistics re laundry.
Health-related success re right ear.
Crossed off one long-standing job work item and made noticeable progress with another.
Last weekend: Did some VPA-related journaling. Cooked vegetable soup. Did some photography. Wrote a careful reply email to [Silent Retreat].
Slept a full night’s sleep last night. May it be the start of a trend!
Good wishes to all chickeneers and readers!
What was hard: money stuff; upper respiratory stuff; stubborn work (or anti-work) patterns being stubborn.
What was good: enjoying myself at a party for a change; quiet confidence; sovereignty; being loved. Also: chicken amnesty. Chicken amnesty is excellent.
Cheers, Chickeneers!
The Hard
– stooopid meetings
– preparing to see my family for a weekend
– technology gremlins
The Good
– getting enough work done to leave town for the weekend
– being open to the possibility that I might want to quit my current job
– going out dancing with my girlfriends
Invoking AMnesty yet again:
-slack on all kinds of things, shame for the slack
-low on the sober, lots of low energy and shame
-dicomofrt around my pathologies and bullshit
-going to Red Rocks yesterday to see Furthur which should have put me in an ectsatic frame of mind, yet did not, despite an awesome show and a beautiful day and lots of magickal things happening
-which brought Cranky-Whiny to the front of the V, interacting with my husband. shame and misunderstanding = Monster Chorus of “how long is he gonan put up with you if you keep acting like this”
-wakning up to the Worst Feeling. Not a headache, but sleep-deprived, scratchy eyed, tired, compuslsive about gettign high despte Absolutely Absolute Rules, and all the doom thoughts that go along
-woman friend standing me up, making me feel very angry and disrespected.
-Pagan Pride Day tasks. silent retreat on this one
the sparkle:
-Furthur at Red Rcoks on Mabon weekend
-Mabon!
-gorgeous weather
-they played the songs fr both my daughters at the show! yea!
-until yesterday feeling evry positive and grateful
The hard:
* asking for what I want. Making an imperfect last minute situation be perfect for everyone.
* not feeling like I am imposing for asking, silly monsters.
* feeling guilty and irresponsible even when I do the most responsible thing I can.
The good:
* A last minute weekend in Napa that worked out amazingly. perfect.
* Getting my sister to be able to join us at the house.
* DIY wood-fired pizza
* The sacred pool is delivered tomorrow and operational this week. I am pleased at how fast I can move when I need to.
* Realizing that the systems part of me can be turned on and off, like a dial. I can be vision, or systems, or spirit or at rest, and they’re all like gears on a car.
* I have bells all over. Bells to wake up to in the morning, evening random bells, and they ring without me being there.
I’m looking forward to how Rally works its way into my systems. <3
The hard:
Wanting everything to be different after Rally but getting back into old patterns.
Feeling like I don’t have nearly enough time with work and whatnot to implement what I want to implement post-Rally.
Internet inexplicably running away on Thursday. Still don’t have internet.
The good:
Getting to see the gentleman again.
Figuring out what my secret Rally project was, making lots of connections, playing with energy and space.
Hike! Plums! Yay!
Social events I was worrying about turning out to go smoothly and also making new friends and hanging out with old friends.
Losing internet.