In which I cover the good stuff and the hard stuff in my week, trying for the non-preachy, non-annoying side of ritual and self-reflection.
And you get to join in if you feel like it.
Let’s just say it. This was the week of being Shat Upon.
Literally and metaphorically.
It was also the week of going with that. It was the week of flow, because there is only flow. It was the week of hey let’s just keep on skating.
Stroke. Glide. Glide.
The hard stuff
Seriously. What is with all the shitting on me.
I am currently pretending to be the heroine in a (so far pretty terrible) romantic comedy.
Birds needed to shit on me this week. Twice in as many days. First my jeans, then my favorite scarf.
I’m not really clear on how or when the romance or the comedy plays a part in any of this but the part about being covered in bird shit is completely taken care of.
Of course, given the way I was metaphorically shat upon all week, it kind of worked.
A conundrum. And some soul questioning.
Everything reconfigures. Everything changes. Everything dies. This is truth.
Still, some reconfigurations are less expected than others.
What do you do when the one person who has consistently had your back for the last ten years suddenly and inexplicably turns on you?
That was a question this week. It was one of them.
Everything is different now.
That’s probably a good thing. But it doesn’t necessarily always feel like a good thing.
Plans.
Every single thing I planned to do this week was derailed by the Emergency Situation (I am fine, everyone breathe) that showed up Sunday.
The hardest letter.
I thought July brought the hardest letters to receive and to write, but actually this week: harder.
It seems I’m getting quite skilled at receiving heart-shatteringly awful pieces of information from people I love.
Oh heartache.
Not of the romantic kind. Silent retreat!
Misunderstandings.
There is nothing worse (for me) than being misunderstood.
May all misunderstandings be dissolved in love. And this one. Especially this one.
Destruction.
Taking apart what has been built. Undoing and then undoing some more.
This year.
It’s been one long bootcamp in loss and pain. With bonus exams in the subject of perceived betrayals, misunderstandings, broken friendships and goodbyes.
I am thinking a lot about the symptoms and indicators of being in shock. I have them.
Still a bit wobbly.
And the cold that didn’t want to go away took its sweet time leaving this week.
Baseball.
You know what’s great about being a Giants fan and a Tigers fan?
Writhing in agony while watching both the teams you madly love embarrass themselves shamefully in the post-season — AT THE SAME TIME.
Oh wait, that’s not fun at all.
I mean, yes. They somehow made it to the post-season. That is very exciting. But seriously, this week was torture. Embarrassing, embarrassing torture.Whew. Onward.
The good stuff
Saying “stroke-glide-glide” over and over again..
Nick gave me a quote from his studies: “compound-time divisions might feel like waltzing or skating — stroke, glide, glide; stroke, glide, glide; stroke, glide, glide…”
And in this tumultuous of everything breaking, that phrase came at just the right moment.
I really just need people around me who can say Stroke, Glide, Glide all the time.
On repeat until I remember that EVERYTHING is part of flow.
Stroke. Glide. Glide. Stroke. Glide. Glide.
(If anyone wants to say it with me here, you are welcome. Also it might make you feel better too, who knows.)
It’s almost like this steadying reminder that this is all part of flow. Just keep skating. Listen to the sounds of life skating: stroke, glide, glide.
I said this a lot this week.
The ocean.
I took everything to the ocean, and the ocean knew what to do with it.
The ocean knows.
And it gave me a cold black stone from the heart of the earth.
The ocean lives by stroke-glide-glide. It knows about time and about things that are temporary. About reconfigurations and letting things go and being massive and being tiny. And surrender.
Surrender.
It was an entire week of surrendering. Actively, not passively.
Here I am, consciously agreeing to not fight. Consciously agreeing to be love.
I was in it, and then back to resistance, and then in it, and then back to resistance. Waves and waves.
You guys. Surrender is a big crazy word that doesn’t even begin to hold all that is inside of it. That shit is intense. And that’s pretty much all I want to say about that.
Support.
I was hurting hard for big parts of this week and somehow everyone knew the right things to say. My business mentor took care of me. The first mate was calm and steady.
Marisa and Briana and Lady Chuck and Wally and Alon all said things that brought me back to truth. And my playmate was there to remind me too, with little notes.
Thank you everyone who kept me company at the Twitter bar and with facebook frolicking, and all of it. Hugely appreciated.
And also something D’s friend said about how this year is the end of the world, but it’s all about personal apocalypse. It made me smile wryly exactly when that was the right thing.
Getting exactly what I wanted, cue hysterical laughter.
Here’s a funny story.
I spent all Saturday writing about the direction I want to be taking in my life and in the business. The thing I have not been letting myself think about because of other commitments.
And these other commitments all stem from a huge promise I made many years ago.
So I wanted to figure out if I could delay some of them. Or find easier ways to make them happen. Or maybe they could be delegated or changed somehow.
The very next day I received the pain-filled letter that changed everything, and a side effect of this letter is that it essentially released me from this promise.
So. I am now free to do the things that I want to do, and I no longer have any obligation to stick with the things that I did not want to do but were in service to the mission.
I would rather have been released in a way that was less shocking and painful. But you know what? This awful, awful, painful thing is also a permission slip to go and do what I want.
Yep. That’s kind of funny. I will laugh about it some more once I’m done crying.
Destruction.
Clean, clear slicing through. Undoing everything that no longer serves truth or is no longer needed.
A lot of things got destroyed this week.
Liberation.
In eighteen minute segments.
And here is a quote, even though I never do this.
And not just a quote, but a Rumi quote.
“You are not just a drop in the ocean. You are the mighty ocean in the drop.”
Not just. You are both. This and also that. Stroke, glide, glide.
Stompopolis.
The place where all my problems melt away. Perspective.
I went to Stompopolis every day, and Stompopolis slowly made it all better.
I cannot even imagine how I would have written that letter without being there.
Baseball.
Somehow both the Tigers and the Giants made it safely through the first round of post-season madness.
(And I collapse on the floor in a pile of exhaustion!)
It rained. And I had a bath.
I am here.
The color turquoise.
Beautiful.
Everything is okay.
Everything is okay, and for the first time in my life I know what it is like to be surrender embodied. For stretches here and there, at least.
Stroke, glide, glide.
Playing live at the meme beach house — it’s the Fake Band of the Week!
Background? Ez and I make up bands. Stu (retired Bolshevik-fearing voice-to-text software) once translated “people will hate me and be jealous” to “they’ll hang out at my Meme Beach House“. It’s just one guy.
This week’s band is from Nick again and it’s one of my favorite bands ever. They’re funny and sweet and you never know what’s coming next.
Tiger Dopamine Delivery System
Though, of course, it’s really just one guy.
Hallo Hallo! I am saying Hallo Hallo. Announcement time.
Picture me wearing that crazy hat…
We’re phasing out all of our products that come with DVDs, both online and in the Toy Shop at Stompopolis.
As of last count, there are 51 shiva nata dvds (but I’ve promised one to a friend so the page says 50).
So. If you’ve ever wanted to get the Shiva Nata starter kit, this would be the time. Or get the DVD without the kit. While supplies last. Shipping INCLUDED in the cost.
And we have three left of our non-sucky yoga package. There you go.
When these are gone, they’re gone.
That’s it for me …
Join my Friday ritual in the comments if you feel like it. Or call silent retreat!
We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. And we don’t give advice (unless people specifically ask for it).
Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.
Stroke, glide, glide. Stroke, glide, glide.
Shabbat shalom.
p.s. It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — join in whenever (or not) and it’s no big deal.
Follow
Stroke. Glide. Glide.
And lots of love and sparkles to you Havi!
xo
“It seems I’m getting quite skilled at receiving heart-shatteringly awful pieces of information from people I love.”
Heart sigh.
Stroke. Glide. Glide.
@havi big hugs, stroke glide glide, and thank you for sharing it with us. Though it sounds really painful, the way you share it here is exquisitely beautiful.
Chicken here:
The hard: HSP problems Tuesday morning kept happening, banging and barging from the loveliest bargers who ended up helping so much and are an island of sanity, really, but it set off PTSD along with a less lovely invader Wed and I didn’t catch it, or breathe much, until it started to wear off Thursday night. 2-3 days it takes sometimes.
Eek deadline looming and I can only edit a little at a time then I have to sleep a lot
Got sucked into drama by a total expert today! Trivial bs and man she is good at getting me to give up precious hours, amazing how I know it is happening but don’t quite extricate myself!( the plus side is I see it and I am getting more and more a sense of time preciousness.)
Driving
Displacement, lack of space stability resources
Internet trolls are bugging me! concern trolling about the “obesity epidemic” specifically.
Chaos due to lack of policies and structures and nobody will listen to me about how to very simply fix it and the chaos eats up my precious time
Someone I love is injured and I wish I could just make it better
The good:
Saw Margaret Cho, so good to be out of the Philly mainstream for a couple hours
Aforementioned chaos brought me all this free, organic, amazing food prepared by this incredible farmer/chef and the secret potion, bone broth, to get me through a weekend of intense revision, yay!! Saves me a trip to the farm and cooking. Amazing.
Gentle progress on a non writing work front
Massive naps. Slept on and off through 2 days this week, did not leave house!, read a massive novel that unlike most popular fiction didn’t make me hurl. Honored major hermit urge and it is so good: I feel so much better, I needed rest
Worked through total panic at needing this rest when there are doom doom doom deadlines!
Also being offline for two days, it feels like quitting smoking or something, the world is slower and less dopamine-racy
Getting more clear on reality of time, work, downtime, etc. That my anarchic schedule is at root caused by shame-based denial about how little actual work I can do and how much downtime I need. Excited at the sovereignty options ( more like requirements): telling time demanders that I can’t do admin stuff, leaving tons of time to get to the farm, cook, go to yoga classes. Excited to create major healing time container with minimal work hours after revision is done this week ( I think it already started)
Registered to vote !
Did boring forms ( while drinking bourbon–this totally works for me as a bribe–) and imagined Lucille Bluth helping me out.
Big hugs to the chickens xo
Hard:
* This election. It has me wanting to kick bumpers.
* (Not) dealing with people who insist on pushing my buttons.
* Not sure how to cope with current manifestations of allergies.
Good:
* My IRA is larger than it was in June.
* Project D submitted at last.
* Much lettering = much practice + problem-solving = iguanas inching closer the door.
** Treating myself to new nibs!
Shabbat shalom and warm wishes.
Hard:
* This election. It has me wanting to kick bumpers.
* (Not) dealing with people who insist on pushing my buttons.
* Not sure how to cope with current manifestations of allergies.
Good:
* My IRA is larger than it was in June.
* Project D submitted at last.
* Much lettering = much practice + problem-solving = iguanas inching closer the door.
** Treating myself to new nibs!
Shabbat shalom and warm wishes.
(Sorry about the double post, y’all – not sure what happened there.)
Stroke. Glide. Glide. <-Love this.
(Romantic comedies that include ice skating are always better, in my humble opinion.)
So it seems rather probable or at least possible that the last week didn't in fact exist. But I'm guessing it did. Investigating…
Hard:
– The hubsters getting incredibly sick, and there being all kinds of things to be done, and all of them falling on me. Including things it is Well Known I should never be in charge of doing.
– An entire day of sore post-chiropractor. And not just sore. Really really sore.
– Being stuck in a loop. Waiting to hear back about three things and not wanting to do/think/be anything other than annoyed that I don’t know about the things. (Also: NOT HEARING BACK ABOUT THE THINGS!)
– I am so tired of not being able to lie on my back.
– Lost all the words this week. You know that feeling where you start a sentence and then there just aren’t any words? At least none in the language you’re currently using? Also lost several numbers. Like my SSN. Which I just didn’t remember.
– I also lost two days. Because I can’t sleep through the sound of someone coughing, meaning I really haven’t been sleeping at all. Except sometimes in the day. I had plans for those days. (“Can’t sleep through” is an understatement. What really happens is I have the most exaggerated startle reflex in the world and then shake for five minutes. Or until the next cough.)
– Lonely. See: “bad decisions made while feeling”
Good:
– Last chicken, I got an e-mail from someone who likes my chickens! It totally made my week!
– THRILLER! Was it Sunday we took a video of me dancing it? I think so. It’s here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QFohlpPZ6MQ&feature=plcp Then I got to take all kinds of notes on the things I want to change so I could practice them obsessively. (#virgo)
– My friend is STILL staying with us and this is STILL making me very happy and not annoying me at all (unheard of). He is the best! And I get to see him every day! In my living room!
– Super awesome chiropractic appointment where I got that crazy worlds-opening feeling of learning so much more about my body and how it worked and some of the things hiding in it. Also addressed a whole lot of deep stuff.
– Despite being in charge of a bunch of things I -absolutely- shouldn’t be in charge of, I a.)got all the errands done, b.)went shopping multiple times without buying anything with sugar, c.)kept the house clean and working. For an entire week. By myself. That was basically a miracle.
– The morning of the day I didn’t lose, when I got to play in Stompopolis and everything was extra sparkly and wonderful and a bunch of knots undid themselves and there was bright shiny hope everywhere.
– Leaving Stompopolis and entering the hardest pattern, but having the spaciousness and the magic to see that it was the hardest pattern wearing a costume, and not actually truth and doom. Choices in how to respond. I like these.
– Money miracles. They keep happening. Thank goodness. Or thank everyone, really. The world is a super generous place. At least to me. I don’t really know why.
There’s always something good I’ve forgotten. I always get up and then remember that I forgot THE BEST THING. (In that hyperbole is the best thing ever, not in that it is literally better than the other things. But sometimes.)
Hmmmm….
Bonus good: I thought there was an incredibly tragic (to me) scheduling conflict and now it is magically resolved! And it turns out this was hugely important to me and now it gets to happen.
Stroke, glide, glide. Stroke, glide, glide.
Yes. Good.
I’m seriously tempted to bow out of doing the work on this one because I’m not ready, but… eh… it’s Friday so here we are.
The Hard
-The not knowing: I booked a flight to NY last minute for a social thing leading up to an interview for a p/t job and then didn’t even know where the social thing was until a few hours before it happened… and all the time I was having faith that there was a good reason for me to be in NY, but also there was a significant amount of hard and ‘was I too impetuous?’ stuff.
-Planning a nearly cross-country trip 5 days before it happens… not nearly as stressful as it sounds like it out to be, but still enough stressful.
-Angry guy on the bus. Making snarky comments about how he’s going to miss his plane because of the driver missing a stop and having to go back. We got to the airport 25 minutes before his plane, so I’m guessing he made it and just made the last hour of the ride very uncomfortable for no reason.
-Uhm… VP debates more interesting than seeing a friend you haven’t seen in 4 months? Apparently… yes. Or rather, I suppose, the ‘hard’ is differing values, but I still was able to give myself (most of) what I needed.
-Feeling torn. Being ‘home’ on a one-way ticket but knowing I have to go back at some point. Wishing going back was close because I want to be there and here both at once.
-Having to relearn how to walk and drive in NY. My rhythms are off. This is more ‘interesting’ than hard.
The Good
-Yay – the job I thought I wasn’t being considered for because I never heard from them… well, they got back to me.
-NEW YORK. Getting to go to New York. Being in New York. New York, New York, New York!
-meeting the people from the company for step one went well. I’m even more excited about this job now that I know more.
-Salt Lake City airport TSA people are actually friendly. And they SMILE.
-I can quiet babies on planes. This is THE best superpower EVER.
-Heh. Rereading Twilight. and Midnight Sun. Wanting to reread Twilight. (Says something about my current relationship with romance, I think.)
-Friend coming to see me from far ‘way because I’m on the East Coast.
-Yay, a coach. who is helpful. Who helped me write a list of how to take care of myself while traveling.
-I took care of myself sooooooooo good while traveling. Yay planning!
-People being nice. Everywhere. Seriously. Maybe I’m smiling a lot.
Also in the not hard nor good place – everyone thinking me going off on my ‘spirit quest’ is so cool and wanting to hear about it and me just thinking that really, it’s all pretty boring. Hah.
Stroke-glide-glide — stroke-glide-glide…
I love this!
Here’s my chicken…
THIS WEEK’S EXPERIMENT: Eating Breakfast
THE RESULT: TASTY! And I Definitely had more energy – which is a good good thing.
THE HARD BITS:
•Time time time… is there NEVER enough time?
•Still missing some HOURS in my planned 2 hours per day FOCUSSED on the NIP.
?When I miss doing it I feel horrid and full of dread – even if I have spent hours writing something ELSE (like a blog post), or I’m busy with some other aspect of WORK. Then the next day I want to BiNGE again and do four hours instead to “make up for it” but I am not going to do that anymore. I want to get into this groove and…. it shouldn’t be so hard, right?
?Once I SIT TO IT, I am fine. But I have to consciously say – go. sit. now.
THE GOOD BITS:
•Scribbling in my book daily – oh i love the morning scribble time.
•The days when I DID manage 2 hours focussed writing on the NIP were dread free. So good. I do think this sort of container will work for me. It’s like the … whaddaya callit – the analytical frame…
?In an essay called “The Analytic Frame, Abstinence, and Acting Out,” Robert M. Young, a psychotherapist, says, that the reason we need a set and specific time and space to explore things with a therapist goes very deep. “The analytic frame,” he writes, “is the place where the madness is held so that the therapist and patient can have a space to think and feel about matters felt with a degree of intensity which is painful but still bearable.” Now, I’m not saying the writing is therapy – but I do think a frame is a good idea for me right now. Note – this quote if from an article by Aimee Bender called “Why the Best Way to Get Creative Is to Make Some Rules”
•Breakfasts
•Walks up the lane and into the bush – I love the place I’m living right now.
•Free Online “lectures or conversations” – how fun to sit in my jimjams with tea and a cookie and listen to people talk about things I’m interested in.
NEXT WEEK’S EXPERIMENT: More breakfasts. I need another week working on this one.
Happy weekend to you Havi – and to all the CHICKENEERS!
I forgot an amazing good: somebody mysteriously scrubbed down my studio kitchen and organized the previously chaotic cupboards! This fairy stacked all the cutlery by type neatly on pristinely folded paper towels and sorted my dry goods by type and shelf, all kinds ofndetailed work, kind of a miracle, I’m used to it being a mess. It is my week of kitchen miracles.
Stroke. Glide. Glide. Stroke. Glide. Glide.
Hard:
–Daughter got herself into trouble. Minor in the grand scheme of things, but argh.
–Some of the trouble she got into reveals that some of her attitudes are…troubling. Much conversation is in order.
–Got ambushed by a loved one’s monster projections and shoe throwing…at bedtime. I mean, I was in bed. I thought I was going to snuggle and drift off to sleep. Instead, it was suddenly force-field and crown-polishing time, and I had to marshal all my energies.
–Is it any wonder that I couldn’t fall asleep for many hours afterwards?
–The sleep disturbance then continued for most of the rest of the week, really.
–My partner is still jobless, and now the money is getting tight. Really tight. This is scary.
Good:
–I handled that hard conversation beautifully.
–Lots of progress in my work.
–Deep, comforting feelings of clarity and confidence. Whatever happens, I know who I am.
–My family loves me. My friends love me.
–Tonight, I’m going to soak in a hot tub. Tomorrow, I’m going to a Renaissance Festival.
Stroke. Glide. Glide.
Active surrender! This is exactly the idea ineeded. You are perfect. *blows kisses*
Stroke, glide, glide. Stroke, glide, glide.
Genius.
Perfect.
This week’s hard:
– Pretravel stress. Some things taking longer than planned.
– Gah. Crappy fluorescent lights in the hotel. Rockin’ the bloodshot eyes.
– For two of the sessions I was most looking forward to at this conference the scheduled speakers didn’t show. The replacements were fine, but not the expert level I was looking for.
This week’s good:
– Managed to clear my desk of the critical before I left and didn’t have to bring any work with me. Some things took less time than expected.
– Seeing old friends. Making new ones, including one of my heroes.
– Resisted the urge to overpack and have exactly what I need. Realizing I have the resources to cope or make do.
Happy Friday, Chickeneers!
Cluck
Hards
– schpiritual burning off, slow singeing fire gently burning away incongruencies and accumulated Then. Stings a bit.
– the greyness of life, and the bureaucratic boxiness of bureaucratic forms.
– transitions.
– a phone call I haven’t made weighing on me.
– distance and timetables and alignments and otherwise.
– proximity to people I struggle not to get triggered around, and then do all the bitchy things that trigger them and ouch hard. We try!!
– man, you never get a holiday from parenting! Ooof.
– Little Lad has been demonstrating his impulse control and social skills are less developed than most kids his age. 15% heartbreak and fear 85% fucking annoying. Annoying Orange kind of annoying! Gah!!
– transitions.
Goods
+ making space for the new configurations.
+ the perfect school for Little Lad.
+ Little Lad is showing his annoyingness because he has put on a kilogram in a month after a seriously dedicated feed-him-up campaign and so now he actually has enough energy to do something more than lie on the couch being ‘good’ which was actually ‘exhausted’. Okay. I can take this trade. I would rather annoying orange than Nicole richie sternum bones scary skinniness. I will take it.
+ trusting my intuition. Acting on my intuition. Feeling more whole and less enslaved to my overactive Very Clever Brain that needed REASONS and shit like that. Now I’m much better at Because It’s Just Right/Not Right. Om.
+ kindness, calm, generosity and partnership in the most unexpected places. Why like this O Lord? I find it confuzzling. Having said that, I will take it any way you wanna dish it up. Yessiree.
+ bucolic country scenery. I do wish ‘bucolic’ didn’t sound so very much like an awful disease! Still, rolling green hills, trees, cows, sunshine. Lovely.
+ love. Love is the best. Gimme.
xoxo
The hard:
This was my week of getting shat on, too! But it was only literally. I was watching my roommate’s dog for the week, and he got sick, and various bodily fluids got all over the floor and couch and my bed. Plus an evening at the vet’s during the time I had scheduled to write and go for a job.
An appointment I was looking forward to and started out fun ended up being long and frustrating.
A lot of early shifts at work, like 6 AM early.
Other things: Silent retreat.
The good:
I finished a story and turned it in and now I am free to work on other things, like a new story, or get back to my novel.
Although I did not stick to my goals as well as I had wanted, I did way better at goal-doing and prioritizing than usual. So, progress.
Yesterday I did everything on my to-do list for the day! And also did a shift at work and hung out with the gentleman! Best day ever.
hello to havi and all the chickens! it’s saturday (i completely forgot as i was reading, amazed that everyone had chimed in already) and i’m back, with moderately fast internet that allows this to be not-a-chore!
yay, stroke glide glide… this also is a good rhythm for swimming, which I have been doing much of, and I thought that was a nice coincidence.
it’s been a crazy few weeks… but this last week, i can encapsulate just that. i think.
hards….
-oh. my. itchiness. intense, crazed discomfort from my skin. all of it. every second. ha I can’t even write about it because it’s making me think about it, which is making it worse.
-the leper-look limbs, gradually creeping over my whole body. although it is vanity (it itches like mad, so it’s not just the look that hurts) it’s horrendous to look at yourself and be repulsed. unhealth.
-more vanity! who knew that would be a theme of secluding self in the carribean? i had my hair super-chopped on saturday. i like it, mas o menos… but there was real grief there too. 20″ of hair gone felt like a lot to lose.
-the evening of the puppy gone and lost forever, in the jungle with scary things that really would destroy her. oh worried heartache (she came back just fine).
-not absolutely 100% loving it here. yet? when there was a lot mentally staked on loving it here. knowing that time to adjust is important, blah blah. but i wanted to love the shit out of it here, unconditionally, you know? mleh.
-quite a bit over-peopled @ the beginning of the week, ironically, from having close neighbors for a week. then almost-isolation which wasn’t nearly as isolated as being alone 40 hours a week and missing that a lot.
-body-revolt, again. because it’s hard to have itch-signals coming in from your body always and have to ignore it. I don’t like ignoring my body! But dearest body is so wrong right now – I should NOT itch. And then I do anyway and it’s crazy-painful-awesome. and damaging.
-i don’t know what to do in x, y, z, and a-w situations. adrift.
goods! to balance out the moaning and doom.
+wha! mangrove island in Panama! lush and life and gorgeous and moisture and beauty, beauty, beauty! healing.
+swimming at an almost-ocean beach again (possibly for the only time while we’re down here, boo) and being crashed about by the waves and loving it.
+friends? Who’d have thunk… yay! and mandatory limited contact. hermit-me is pleased.
+snorkling! reefs! right here. now, if i want. new things and beauty to see. swimming again, without itch-results of chlorine (ironically, the itch is provided by chituro-demon-insects instead).
+surrounded by water. always. interesting and lovely and we’ll see if i want to keep it.
+nothing to doooooo. space. to breath.
+free, fresh coconut. spanish lessons. new puppy around w/ no responsibility for it. amazing eggs and chicken and fresh-caught fish. off-the-grid living. all sorts of benefits to being here.
+working out?!? and loving it. after the first few minutes of agony despair and woe. and then my body actually remembered that it loves work. and feeling way more energetic for the next few days. may this continue!
+yoga. shiva nata on the dock.
+always being outside.
<3s to all the chickens, weeks, and chickeneers!
"this year is the end of the world, but it’s all about personal apocalypse." oh dear. and yes.
and @Claire – Annoying Orange kind of annoying! so crystal-clear and I may use that forever now. boo to hard and cheers to the health that makes it possible too.
Cheers, Chickeneers!
The Hard
– massive wave of grumpiness hitting me for 2 days
– meetings that start late and then don’t end on time
– staying up past my bedtime
The Good
– rearranging my living room and swapping out my desk for one of my couches
– 2 excellent dance classes
– long lunch with friends
Stroke. Glide. Glide.
The hard:
Kitty’s paw swelling up to freaky gigantic proportions, worrying, taking him to the vet after having to deliberatly scare him out from under a bed. Emotional angst to say the least.
Serious lack of sleep for three nights this week – ended up feeling completely horrendous and useless on Friday and making a stupid, minor but annoying mistake.
An old pattern that I thought had vamoosed coming back. Tired of dealing with this now! Ugh!
Feeling kind of physically off all week.
Worrying about the other kitty’s obsessive nibbling and scratching.
Needing to make a decision between two choices, and not sure which one is the best for me in the situation.
The good:
New job is proving to be enjoyable and intresting. With delicious food too!
Also had amazing client session this week, and I’m having exciting + clear ideas for growing my business.
Trip to farm shop this morning. Wet walnuts..yum!
Kitty’s paw has healed and he is now back to his normal self.
Yoga.
Resting.
This has been a good week. No major hards occurred. There are a couple of things with MrB that I will take silent retreat on.
Good this week:
beautiful autumn scenery.
tea and cookies.
hot chocolate.
“CPR” — coffee, Pepsi, and Reese’s cups.
massage.
good classes with good students.
adequate sleep.
my laptop and the internet.
progress on things.
expanding social connections.
quiet times.
rainy evenings that are not cold.
good food.
progress on Things.
reading good books.
agreeable pace of life.
things to look forward to.
@Beth — it is a good rhythm for swimming! Oh, I love that image. Thank you for that.
Stroke, glide, glide. Stroke, glide, glide.
Squeaking in a Chicken on a Sunday afternoon…
The Good:
New clothes. That fit and flatter and feel good.
Rib roast. My first. So so good. Thyme butter, oh yes.
Blue Potatoes Anna. An experiment. But guessing you can’t go wrong with madolined potatoes, onions, cream and butter.
A walk in the rain this morning.
New shoes!
Having the right friends, and being able to recognize it.
Realizing all my eye problems were really saying “open your eyes! see what is in front of you! Change how you see things and how you look!” Thank you eyes! Sorry it took me so long to get the message.
Hard: that batch of things under the shade of the silent retreat umbrella, but I see you, I see you. I gave you names and you are beginning to gather your belongings.
Good: using shiva nata to feel better. The ability to know to take a deep breath and the ability to actually take that breath. My sister’s love, my husband’s love.
Hugs to you all.
Stroke. Glide. Glide.
I don’t skate & can’t swim but still, this is perfect. This rhythm has been guiding me since Friday when I first read it.
Also – @Lisa,”I gave you names and you are beginning to gather your belongings.” – Oh yes. Just yes.
I love the other chickeneers comments almost as much as I love reading Havi’s searing truth telling.
Monday? Already?? Let’s do this.
Hard
*teaching days and uncertainty. Will my classes run? Will people come?
*Nagging imposter syndrome – hello again old enemy.Can I hide from you behind this wall? Oh no, right because if I do I can’t actually teach. Sigh.
*Ill partner, much coughing and trying to take care of someone who doesn’t like being taken care of.
*Silent retreat but hard, hard, hard. Involving unexpected shoes being thrown from usually loving places and me having to stroke, glide, glide and actively surrender. So glad I’d read this post first!
The Good
*Coming out of a teaching session buzzing with energy at having learned so much. Remembering that that’s why I enjoy it.
*Not letting the black cloud envelop me all week, though it sat on the edge being all silent & threatening. Aha! Just realised it’s a silent monster! doh time to get out the Monster Colouring Book 🙂
*Late autumn sunshine, blue sky but cold. Love it.
So I’m probably breaking the rules. (But thank God I won’t get judged for it here).
I accomplished something great today (Monday)and couldn’t wait until this Friday to chicken about it. So,I’m chickening now (and only about 1 good thing).
I just finished preparing the salad that I’ll be eating during my team’s pizza luncheon. Why is this so good? Well, it’s SO liberating for me to not feel obligated to eat something that’s out of line with my wellness goals just because that’s what everyone else is having.
I’m naturally thin, so people at work sometimes tease me about eating healthy because in their eyes I don’t “need” to worry about that. But that’s my lifestyle choice, and today I’m walking in, salad in hand, with my head held high.
Just needed to share this somewhere were people would understand how big of a deal this is 🙂
(Feel free to cheerlead if you want)
Invoking Amnesty.
Oh week, there was so much of you:
Hard:
-saturday nite my husband had a bad accident, resuktng in a broken shoulder, shattered wrist and cracked pelvis. panic! stress!
-this was followed by evidence that he is either stepping out on me already or is gearing up to.
So getting, shit on? Yeah, emptying bedpans for a man you discovered is answering craiglist ads for “casual connections?” THAT is getting shit on.
-massive clusterfuck moments because husband will not tell me everything i need to know about his care, but still being repsonsible for getting it to happen. The clusterfuck of having him relased home when he is not able to walk.
-being handed every aspect of his care, including filling out all apperwork, bathing him, edmisntering meds, helping with PT…while still feeding the children, taking acre of children, buying meds and equipment to make him comfy. doing homework
-FIL helping by getting soda on occasion, sometimes getting McDonald’s. otherwise he’s in hsi room chain smoking. Comes out long enough to get dinner and be grumpy at my kids. Leaves dirty plates by sink. Is proud when he says his whole church is praying for husband.
-husband chiding me for “being angry all the time” and “complainign overmuch” and telling me taking the stressed out bored 6 year old to her babysitter for an afternoon so I could “nap” (read: move furniture and pay bills) was a wste of money.
-there is a level of bad pain from then this has opened up, also a neon light shining on the coolective pathologies in my mariage.
-it doesnt stop. and everyone is disturbed when i have to stop and take care of msyelf.
the good:
-beautiful weather
-the Theatre Project of Joy!
-unexpected support
-moments of joy and happiness
-not completely depressed
-it’s Samhain! lovely juicy Samhain ness
-wnet to Ballet Sculpt! Did yoga! Have memorized Level One Arms Horziontal! Will be moving on to Level 2 at Samhain.
-ordered Non-sucky yoga package for me. I do not care if I pormised to stop buying stuff with my credit card. There were 3 left and I got one, and now I dont have to fret about it, and i’ll be better able to do yoga even without a class. This purchase represents many levels of Taking Care of Myself.
-the accident was sucky but has opened up a vein of Cosmic Messages from Everywhere!!
-even when i dont ask specifcally, i can tell the Invisible People are helping me out
-in times of stress, i sing,l it helps.
-flailing, singing, bhramari, yoga, pilates and dancing in my living room.
-tapping into the energy of the Goddess Cybele. Needing the SuperPower of Not Folding Under the Pressure. I think a lion-powered chariot is a good symbol for this.
Just caught up on all this.
EPIC HEARTSIGHS.