Where I cover the good and the hard in my week, visiting the non-preachy side of ritual and self-reflection.
And you get to join in if you feel like it.
I am pleased to report that this week a wide variety of perfect simple solutions showed up when they were needed.
This may or may not have anything to do with the fact that I am finding the funny again.
Also this week I said the following thing and it one hundred percent made sense:
I am off to rendezvous with a representative of the Magical Badger Brigade. He’s part of the Order of the Red Flashlight! It’s all very exciting and hush-hush. By jove, if that’s not the real hanky panky! That’s how you do it in the Bengal Lancers!
What worked?
Taking it to the cafe.
This was the right thing to do, over and over again.
Listening to the Havis.
The collective of internal Havis were not happy (Havi Bell needs an Emergency Vacation! Impending mutiny if she doesn’t get one!), and I forgot to listen but then I listened.
It took a while to really get what they wanted. Once I got it, everything changed. I also had a long listen with Havi-who-was-hurt-and-angry, and recognized just how much protecting of me she has done. That was useful.
Talking it out.
Over and over again, this proved to be the most helpful thing.
Next time I might…
Replenish first, even when that is scary.
The collective of internal Havis is very, very displeased that we worked on the weekend. And on Fake Beach Day.
So we’re going back to truth: empty first. Replenish first.
Ask for company.
It couldn’t hurt.
Start the day in my conducting vault.
That’s what it’s there for…
The hard.
- Oh, the people. Not you! Other people. With the making of assumptions and jumping to conclusions. It’s exhausting.
- Still with the drama. The unnecessary drama.
- Nightmares. PTSD nightmares. Lots of them.
- Not sleeping well because of the nightmares.
- Surprise business emergency! Unexpected challenge meant unexpected reconfiguring that changed plans and timelines. Which I think is going to be fine? Maybe? But oh man did this throw me for a loop. Loops. Thrown.
- Not doing the things that help.
- Knocked out by a virus in the middle of the week.
- Not knowing how to solve a problem.
- Running into walls in the internal video game.
- Doubt.
- Deadlines.
- Fallout from not doing the things that help.
- Issues around food — stuff I thought I’d resolved years ago — showing up again unexpectedly.
- Second-guessing everything.
- There was way too much stuff in my head and I got panicky and didn’t want to brain-dump even though I knew it would help.
- All the monsters. All monsters all the time. Monsters having a field day. An actual field day, doing long jumps and eating red popsicles and falling down in mud puddles. We had to have about a million negotiations this week.
- Forgetting to pause (paws!).
- I made a choice (because of the Unexpected Challenge) to work through the weekend and beach day and puttering day. It was the right choice. And it sucked.
- Needing to explain something and not having the words. Or any words. Feeling helpless about that.
The good.
- Spending all weekend with my playmate. Cats and bells.
- Sunday afternoon with Danielle. Slow sweet yoga. Companionship.
- On Monday I woke up and for the first time since this whole awful mess started however many months ago, I laughed about it. It still sucks and it still hurts but it was also somehow cosmically funny.
- On Tuesday I laughed some more.
- And by Wednesday I was able — for the first time in months — to respond to the question “how are you” with something more positive than the awkward “ohhhh, hanging in there” or the truth: “actually, everything is really really really hard right now.” On Wednesday, I felt fantastic. This is new and exciting.
- Sitting in cafes and watching the rain and writing writing writing writing.
- I know exactly what I want to do next year.
- And I was able to write about it.
- Oh man. All the points for metaphor mouse, who helped me figure out that what I really need instead of [the dreaded brain dump] is a Magical Badger of the Brigade of Magical Badgers, Order of the Red Flashlights to guide me through the forest to the tree where there is one door with one next step.
- Learning a lot about how I work and what I need. Making adjustments.
- The Floop! So much love and support there. I don’t know what I would do without it.
- Monster-negotiating was brilliant. They are now super excited about their field day, and using their field day games to generate fun, which in turn will help me get back to peacefulness.
- Watching British television and hearing someone pronounce lasagna as follows: La-ZANN-ya. I feel exquisite delight about this.
- Drinks and girl-talk with Dana.
- Pirate booty and storytelling with @vicarpac. And the Second Saddest Raccoon.
- Alon pointed out that two of my Unsolveable Problems do not actually need solving. This turned out to be true.
- I am a madcap masterpiecer! Of the masterpieces!
- I brunched the Year of Emptying & Replenishing! This has been my heart-love and tiny sweet thing, and now I get to tell people about it.
- Turning the Unexpected Challenge into an Unexpected Sale felt like a loving thing to do, not an uncomfortable compromise. I’m actually weirdly glad it worked out this way.
- Comfort.
- Speaking of comfort. This little guy. What a schmoo!
Superpowers!
A superpower I had this week…
The superpower of Actually This Is Kind Of Funny.
And the superpower of I Truly Believe This Is Going To Work Even Though I Can’t See How Yet.
And a superpower I want next week.
The superpower of This IS Right Timing Because It Just Is.
And also the superpower of choosing ease. Even if things aren’t easy and I can’t find a way to make them easier. Choosing it as a state of being. This also has to do with the power of peacefulness.
Playing live at the meme beach house — the Fake Band of the Week!
Background. Ez and I make up bands. Stu (retired Bolshevik-fearing voice-to-text software) once invented hanging out at the Meme Beach House“. It’s just one guy.
This week’s band is:
Cosmically Hilarious
They’re just that funny.
Though, of course, as it turns out, to no one’s surprise but mine, apparently it’s just one guy.
Hallo Hallo! I am saying Hallo Hallo. Announcement time.
You guys! The YEAR OF EMPTYING & REPLENISHING! And a semi-secret sale.
Explanation. I’m running only one program in 2013. I’ve never felt so over-the-top passionately intently devoted to something before. It feels vital and immediate: this is the thing that’s needed.
The plan was: announce it next month. Prices all lined up (reduced at first, full-price in January). But then the Unexpected Challenge happened and I decided to temporarily drop the sale prices *lower*. By a lot. Through Wed (Dec 7).
Also: Anyone who gets a sailing ticket by tomorrow night, Dec 1st, gets a prize — a lovely prize that a monkey wearing a pig-hat pulls from an imaginary barrel.
The page –> https://fluentself.com//replenish
The PASSWORD –> compass
And if you’re not into it or this isn’t the right time, there is some interesting “what Havi is thinking about” food for thought on the page, as well as some soothing peacefulness. Take whatever works and the rest will work out when it works out. <3
That’s it for me …
Join my Friday ritual in the comments if you feel like it. Or call silent retreat!
We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. And we don’t give advice (unless people specifically ask for it).
Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.
Shabbat shalom.
p.s. It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — join in whenever (or not) and it’s no big deal.
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Cheers, Chickeneers!
The Hard
– getting back into an “in the office” routine instead of “on break” routine
– elbow pain and knee pain have mysteriously returned
– lack of enthusiasm for current tasks
The Good
– tiny internal shifts that result in larger shifts
– considering going to a yoga retreat in Bali with one of my favorite yin teachers
– massive amounts of writing and processing
The Magical Badger Brigade! Do they have a badge? I think I must doodle now.
What worked:
Painting. Lots and lots of painting.
Taking it to my communities.
Next time I might try:
Taking it to my communities sooner. For some reason, I forget that there’s support out there. something to stone skip on, I suspect.
The hard:
Odd money freakouts.
Feeling torn about things that I don’t like feeling torn about.
Not being sure about future planning things.
Wanting a morning ritual, and not sure how to get there. hmmmph.
The good:
Realizing a thing that I’d wanted SOOOO much, and probably wasn’t going to happen… somehow, magically, wa ok to let go.
Intentional Slowing down.
The slowing down showing possible paths that I hadn’t even realized where there. I think I’m going to enjoy this slower, deeper practice.
Experimenting with different morning rituals. I’ll find one that works!
lasagne, lasagne, lasagne, lasagne! I can say it for you like this all day; that’s my accent, that is. LaZANNya!
I read the whisperbrunch in bed on my phone and am in a lovely odd place where I am thinking sovereignly maybe I want to do this on my own. Which is a turning-things-upside-down thought. Maybe.
Thinking thinking thinking about how to build, and with whom, and opening up and opening up more and are (my) finances flexible and gathering information and listening. <3
(as part of this… may I ask any Floopers who'd like to to tell me a bit about your life of Flooping? twitterwise, or email x)
Thought this morning: I’m really going to miss this online community thing that’s ending in December. It was really helpful to have a coach to email because self-discovery is more powerful and juicy with other people. A blog perhaps? “No, I’m a bit too much of a fringe-dweller for most people to relate to me. Also, do I really want my family to know that much about me?”
Simple, random, unexpected answer: Floop.
Hullo Chickeneers!!!
What Worked:
Purposefully seeking rest and allowing myself to lay down in the afternoon for an hour… with a book… or just to close my eyes.
Also – climbing into bed earlier a few nights this week.
I’ve been so tired.
Next time I might try:
More rest hours.
More early to bed with a book or music.
THE HARD:
– Composting toilet trauma…. oof. Ahhh the FROZEN northlands…Trouble with the umm… liquid run-off. Nuff said.
– It was a struggle this week to keep the words flowing “fast enough” for the nano. I’m glad that I did nano but … well… That crazy making word count focus leads to all manner of … strange behaviour. Heh heh. So WHY was I there? Exploration of a new way of working. Using the sort of silly word count idea to… free myself up actually. To slip away from the over active critic who lives in my head. I’m glad I did it and looking MUCHO forward to returning to my “regular” way of working on Monday.
– worry worry worry about …. SILENT RETREAT. Oof.
-Money. Double oof.
THE GOOD:
++ Celebrating “finishing” nano and getting that purple “winner” banner along with all my 3-day novelling cohorts. There were 7 of us playing this year and we all wrote over 50, 000 words. Woot Woot! There is a joy in crossing that finish line. And a real joy in…
+ Finding so much in the “book within a book” experiment of this whole month. Much much fodder for the NIP! Double huzzahs for that.
+ Receiving beauty and joy on my walks through the snowy land we live in. Full up happiness as I trudge up the lane in my ski-pants and big boots.
++ Yoga yoga yoga time and meditation too…. Easy slow yoga…stretching in front of the wood stove and then sitting in silence and listening…. Ahhhhhh.
+ Allowing rest. Welcoming rest. Resting by the fire. Resting on the couch. Resting under the covers with a book. Rest.
+ Gathering warmth and comfort from the morning sessions in front of the wood stove on the yoga mat.
+ Grateful for the final session of The Compassionate Heart. The whole series was great. I will miss my Monday night dates with Rick Hanson. Maybe I will listen to them all again. Actually that is a grand idea – there is so much to glean from each conversation.
+ Also Grateful for flannel pj’s, red wine, hot water, good books, icicles in the sunshine and our resident fox who leaves us tracks through the snow each morning.
Super Powers I had this week….
Clear eye – fast hand.
Super RESTER!
Super Powers I would like for the coming week…
The ability to see in the dark…
and the power of seeing the ABUNDANCE of life around me. Abundant time… Abundant nourishment…abundant all.
Happy trails all.
I’m thinking on the sweet new thing…
I’m needing to pause…
I’m dreaming…
I’m glad you let me hang our with you all.
Go easy -p
ooop – typo above….
That would be…The Compassionate BRAIN.
Though the heart is compassionate too – heh heh.
The hard:
Being sick, still through til Monday.
Therefore not doing a whole bunch of stuff I was planning on.
Then being crazy busy Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday.
Unsurprisingly feeling absolutely wiped out today, and so also not doing things that I wanted and needed to.
Something that I thought was going to be simple turned into a giant time suck.
Silent retreat!
Beloved furball hurting her paw.
Silent retreat again!
Disappointing sandwich experience.
One of my new pairs of glasses falling apart in my hands.
The good:
Beloved furball’s injury was minor, and is healing nicely.
Went to my first in-person bellydance class, which was awesome.
Also, bellydancing!
Delicious dates. So much fun, such lovely places visited. Someone is a smitten kitten.
Party in an erotique boutique! Yay! I can still get into my corset!
Brilliant margaritas.
Magic!
My new Goddess-infused starting the day ritual. Works even when crazy busy.
Preparing for my class on Monday. So looking forward to it!
A feeling of spaciousness and possibility.
Pizza for dinner tonight!
Recovering the ability to eat normal food.
What worked:
Doing my work inside magic circles!
Playing with the goddesses.
Going out! Meeting new people! Doing new things!
Being kind to myself.
What I might try next time:
More preparation time for my sessions with E.
Less texting and facebooking while I’m doing or want to do something else.
Love and sparkles to all! <3
I love the superpowers, Havi. & hurrah for the Year of Emptying and Replenishing!
My Friday Chicken, slightly different format this time around.
I Was Sad About:
– The way November went, altogether. I had such great wishes & they didn’t bloom.
– Sick cat passing blood. Serious terror moment for us on Sunday.
– Suddenly noticing how little time Amelia and I have left. She’s turning 15 on December 2nd.
– Some of the stuff I unearthed during magic class w/Hayley.
– Supportive stuff I just found out I can no longer have next year. Major sadness.
– The Fluevogs that don’t fit my calves :/
The Rough Stuff:
– Tired, tired, tired….
– …because of that blasted 4-hr-a-day work commute.
– Additional workplace struggles.
– Still don’t have a heater/air conditioner in the Cellatic.
– Unforgiving selves.
– Vet’s bills creating more of a money lack than usual.
– The dishwasher is not working properly, but is not quite broken either, so they don’t want to do anything to fix it.
– Having all the food issues.
– And having all of the clothes issues, too.
– And having all of the static electricity issues! Aaaargh hair stop sticking to me aaaargh
– A bad, yelly argument with the Lovelyman last night. Our 2nd ever.
I Was Delighted About:
* Rhiannon and Scarlet 🙂 🙂
* Sick cat stopped passing blood and has been better!
* While I know time is running out, Amelia is still happy and bouncy and twirly and hasn’t stopped being puppylike.
* Fountain pen inks! Oooooh pretty!
* A dear friend’s pregnancy is moving along very well *knock head*
* Even though Lovelyman and I argued, I had to smile and internally giggle afterwards over the fact that it was an argument over a tiny point in the laws of thermodynamics. We’re goofy. (We also describe things incorrectly.) ((And I remember our 1st big argument was about hockey. *amused*))
The Excellent Stuff:
* It looks like I will be able to get a car soon, which would end this whole horrible commute thing. All fingers and paws crossed for smoothness.
* While the workplace struggles continue, I am really enjoying many of the people on my team.
* I finally allowed myself to choose a good bit of time for vacation, in a time period where emergency availability is not likely to be needed.
* The results of Hayley’s magic class.
* Nick Hornby’s Nanowrimo Pep Talk. (I swear, next year I’m not writing a thing for Nano, and am just reading the pep talks instead.)
* Revisiting my old love of creating photo books. I love Shutterfly.
* There have been amazing, serenity-spawning sunsets over here, all week. It’s been a blessing.
Love and luminescence to all the chickeneers, whether posting or lurking! You’re all amazing.
What worked:
* having spare glasses in the car
* driving instead of flying
Next time, I might:
* dial back the pre-trip research
* .. and avoid scheduling things on the evenings after long drives
* and bring a shawl or sweater to unknown venues, no matter how warm the outside temperature is
Hard:
* stomach issues, and not yet identifying the culprit
* traffic issues. Nothing like seeing your hotel from the car and having to spend 30 minutes + to actually get to it.
* time and space. So greedy for more….
* non-answers from potential vendors. Grrr…
Good:
* Vacation!
* Including a swimming pool and hot tub all to myself.
A superpower I want next week: navigation!
Shabbat shalom, y’all.
Wow, I am soooo excited for the brunching (just had eleven-sies myself). Really, though. Repleneshing is brilliant.
I am also fascinated by Flooping and would like any Floopers’ input:
1. Can one get people to play with one? I mean, give useful new images/perspectives etc?
2. Is it weird to be there as a non-blogger (if any of us still exist in the world)? I would prefer to play with general peacefulness/destuckifying tools rather than the mechanics of internet biggifying. (I’m still unburying my Thing and just want to get it out as far as the next cubicle.)
4. Is it lots to read? What % written by Havi?
3. Is it different than these comments and the Frolicsome Bar and Floop Group on Facebook?
Also, if this is Havi’s only program for 2013, what about the boozy bitch February call?
I appreciated the reminder that a brain dump can be dreadful. Last time I did that, I ended up in the dumps. (Ha ha). My trigger is being alone.
So I am preparing myself for the next alone time; will have metaphor mouse ready to rescue me — interestingly, I am picturing Underdog flying in.
Floop!!!!! Floop!!!! It has changed my life this year. I’m happy to answer questions–email me dmstauber@gmail.com.
The Floop got me to USE the tools I have learned at the Fluent Self and at Rally. For me, the fact that people are listening and telling me how my process sparks them, and being able to see other people’s process, is the key. Oh, this is hard to express. We’re all doing it together.
@Vvvvvv:
1. Oh my gosh yes.
2. No, there’s space and support for working on biggification if you want, but a lot of us are mostly working on general peacefulness/destuckifying (love the way you put that!).
3. Lots to read! You really have to let go of keeping up with it all. There are a bunch of different forums, so I go dip into Entry and Exit when I want inspiration for that, or Crankypants McGrumblebug’s, or Processing the Process, or Doing a Thing… Havi plays and comments regularly, and her explorations are always helpful! But other people’s are too!
4. It’s different than these comments because it’s a confidential space so we go deeper into our stuff, and we give each other support and tell about resonances (only if the poster wants–you can ask very specifically for what kind of response you want, from stones -o- to supportive yays or stomps to resonances to advice…
If you can possibly do the Floop, I hope you can. It is bottom-line for me now.
And badgers!!!!!
I’m planning to Chicken a bit later, but meanwhile, hello, Vvvvvvvvvvv! I find myself wanting to give some quick, off-the-cuff answers to your questions. Please bear in mind that this is only one Flooper’s perspective!
1. Oh, yes, yes. Very much yes.
2. Well, I do blog, but my guess is that no, it wouldn’t be weird at all. There’s space for people to play with biggification, but also oodles of space for general peacefulness/destuckfying tools, so no worries there.
4. It can be a lot to read if you decide to read it all! However, there is a boatload of permission *not* to read all of it. Everyone posts and comments as they feel called to do so — sometimes more, sometimes less.
3. Yes. I would say that it’s different. There is a lot of safety there.
(There’s a lot of safety here, too, oh my goodness, absolutely there is! but, as Do Mi says, the confidentiality and containment do make a difference.)
What worked? Imagining myself in a treehouse, wearing sunglasses. Worked like a charm.
Next time I might… Carry a checklist of Things to Do to Get Myself Out of the River, because once I’m immersed it can be hard to remember.
A hard thing: After my family spent ten days getting used to the idea of the Wizard’s out-of-state eleven month contract, the whole thing abruptly fell through. So, now he’s job-hunting again, and we’re back to feeling worried about money again — only now it’s worse, because the severance pay is gone.
A good thing: I have signed up to be in the chorus of a local production of Die Fledermaus! Joy!
Superpowers! This week: Facing the Hard with Steel-and-Velvet Calm. Next week: Radiating Light and Warmth.
What worked: Knitting. Going to Restful Yoga. Reframing something as Giving A Gift rather than Paying Back A Debt.
Next time I might: play around with [bedtime] in more ways in order to get more rest.
Hard stuff: Norovirus last week (during Thanksgiving, blah!). Lots of tricky transitioning-back-to-normal this week. Focus stuff. Scary power outage (biking on city streets when the traffic lights are out is unnerving).
Good stuff: Repurpled hair! And (maybe possibly) uncovered a facet of my Thing that (maybe possibly) could Change Everything–excited investigations are ongoing. Found my way back to Doing Things at the office in spite of focus issues.
I have a lot of good stuff and a lot of working scheduled for this weekend, so I’m going to wish for a weekend superpower special of Remembering The Hidden Doors To Resting.
Oh hi! I’m back to chickening. 🙂 Love and hugs all ’round.
The Hard
-Thinking this was the going to be the month of DOOM and commuting and too much client work (which, say the monsters, I should be grateful for)
-This cough! 2 weeks! Argh! Having to finally say alright, the herbs aren’t working, must go to the doctor.
-Then I got food poisoning.
-And I wore heels for the first time in forever, and even though I use to walk in these shoes all the time, I now have giant blood blisters on my heels and can’t really walk properly. I guess “it’s only a mile and a half” was not the right thing to say.
-Clients who live in states of emergency… except when you absolutely need them to answer an email.
-Getting asked in a kind and loving way to join a conversation and noticing that the conversation is full of people in their stuff… never had this lens before, but it’s quite interesting.
The Good
-Forcefields! Forcefields! Forcefields!
-And chanting all the rally qualities. Because no matter how much time passes with me not thinking of them, they’re always there when I want them. Joytrust!
-Realizing that now is not then, and that I can make choices about the client work and the commuting and not take on the pressure.
-It was revealed that this is not the month of “it’s going to suck” and “I hate commuting.” It’s the month of radical self-care.
-Leaving a client office for a few hours at lunch to do some errands… and just celebrating that I can do that.
-THE EPIPHANY. The day after I decide, “Well, I’m not sure I’m going to get the clarity I’m wishing for right now. It’s maybe just not the time yet. I should just see what the universe is telling me and go along for the ride for a while….” and then the vision of what this is going to be knocking me on my a$$… but in a good, awed excited way.
-Feeling ready to step up to this vision and to meet the me who runs this business that is bigger than me-the-freelancer-doing-all-the-things.
-Oh, another client. A thing that I wanted to happen in a way I wanted it to happen. Even if this really puts me at about 50+ client-hours per week.
-Suddenly, this week, I’ve been able to talk about ‘marketing’ without vomiting on my shoes… all the things that needed to be clear are clear now about icky and loud and their opposites… clear in the way where I think I can talk about them and communicate my ideas now. It needed to percolate for… a few years.
-Client responding to a blog matchmaking report with, “Wow, I’m glad you raised your prices.”
-so many perfectly simple solutions I don’t even remember all of them… but so many things just got taken care of because the right person called or showed up at the right time. It helped a lot.
-Oh, and living with grandma is the best… I don’t think I’ve ever eaten this well. Ever.
-Oh! And another year of Floop and Emptying & Replenishing. Happy me.
Hello to all the chickeneers!
It is interesting to see people writing about having rested this week, in the light of Havi’s new thing. We’re all ready for it and in need of it.
My week was mostly about MrB being home again. There had to be lots of follow up with doctors and we are still doing a lot of adjusting of our routines because of the recent illness and its effects. He will be in a wheelchair for six weeks or more, instead of using the wheeled walker.
A few shoes have been thrown at me/us but I deflected them.
I had some insights and new understandings about my life and what is important to me, as a result of this crisis and its aftermath. I’m not sure where that is going to take me, except that it is going to include more self care and more rest and replenishment.
Today was our 48th wedding anniversary and we spent it quietly. I made a nice meal for us but otherwise we didn’t do anything “special”. What is “special” anyway? It is pretty special to ME to have him at the kitchen table, and to talk about our many years together. I don’t need him to give me jewelry or take me dancing to celebrate. I need him to look at me with his twinkly eyes and that special smile and say nice things about living with me and loving me.
There are good things to look forward to this weekend and next week.
shout out to Pam —
yes, yes, yes, the compassionate brain program with Rick has been fabulous!!
and Floop!! also awesome,
what really stands out for me is the love. Sometimes I am awash with love due to the Floop. it is full of beautiful people that Floop.
I’m in. I mean, aboard. Or I will be when The Year really starts. Also, I’m… apparently here, now. *takes deep breath, looks around, nods & smiles* Greetings, Havilings. I come in sugar snaps.
Things that worked:
* Metaphor Mousing. Shopping Downtown > Grand Urban Expedition. Lot of others.
* Asking for help and getting it, and the help helping even if not in exactly the way I’d imagined. (Gosh, that *never* happens. /s)
* This insanely weird and improbable thing I’ve been trying out where I stop frequently and ask myself how I’m feeling and what I need and come up with some ideas to meet those needs (immediately) and then do a couple of those things. (I KNOW! How crazy is that???)
* Letting myself prepare and plan and reflect before Scary Things.
* Remembering that anything can be done Slowly, Restfully, Languidly.
* Borrowing my Knight’s Powers of Play and Snuggling.
Learned & Ideas:
* I always underestimate how much any form of going-to-shops takes out of me. ALWAYS. Reaching the planning point of ’okay, this seems doable now’ = CUT IT IN HALF.
* Experiment with ways to make Revues easy and fun? I’ve always loved planning and am getting really good at it – the looking-back, not so much. (For now, happy to be joining the Chickening.)
* Reflect on ways to avoid feeling like I am now obligated to Buy Everything any time a salesperson is actually nice to me.
Ickinesses:
– The usual.
– Weird sleep stuff. Possibly good if I can figure it out?
– The usual part 2.
– The difficulty of finding clothes that fit me, that I actually like, that I can afford, and that are somewhat socially accepable in the contexts I intend to wear them. (I’m not even going to start on the ethical-shopping aspect.) Feels like I can pick any 2.
– Having a metabolism and cravings that would have done *really well* when calories were scarce and sweet tastes worth climbing trees to obtain. In my current environment, not so much. (See also: The clothes issue.)
– Annoying computer stuff.
– Worrying about money.
Appreciations:
+ Audiobook, general and specific. Oh and mp3-players.
+ E-books.
+ The Internet.
+ All the various opportunities for learning and finding information out there. Resources available. *Support* available.
+ My Knight (dog), always.
+ The Power of Thinking On Paper.
+ The Joy of Clean Sheets. (I feel like both of those should be book titles.)
+ People who remind me that There Is Also Good In The World. This week’s list has featured insightful political writers, yoga and communication teachers (someone else), grammar bullies, and my brother-in-law.
+ Things that taste good and aren’t actively horribly unhealthy. (They exist.)
+ Feeling not all that terrible about myself, most of the time. That’s… a pretty nice way to live.
+ Fanfiction, which has gone from a Shameful Escape to a Guilty Pleasure (in, mostly, the good way).
+ Clothes I like and that are comfy and smell good and feel nice. (They exist, too.)
+ ”Languid.” The word and the quality. Puns and wordplay in general.
+ Havi’s Unexpected Brunch (Nobody Expects the Floopy Brunch!) and finding that it would work for me.
Superpowers I had this week:
The Superpower of Learning and Investigating.
The Superpower of Taking Needs Seriously.
The Superpower of Daring Carefully.
And one I’d like for next week:
The Superpower of Flowing and Floating. (Huh. Not sure what that means yet, but it sure sounds good.)
So much happened this week! I wrote a long paper Chicken, but I also wanted to touch base here.
I am excited for what I like to call The Year of Releasing and Replenishing.
Lots of love to all who are a part of this world <3
Chicken! You get my precious sitting up time for today, thanks to the superpower of Grandmas.
What Worked:
– Having Grandmothers here. And creating strong boundaries with said Grandmothers.
– Asking for people to come spend time with me. Some of them did!
– Flooping, especially about [silent retreat].
– Bottles and tinctures!
– The amazing piece of folded paper and pen.
– iPhone reminder system. And letting go of any attachment to getting things on the list *done*.
– The amazing haircut of “your hair will always look sexy even if you don’t brush it or wash it or dry it or take care of it in any way.” It’s like the best superpower in the world.
– Diaper free time, which is also “stare at the buttmonster” time, which we could also call “Happiest Baby Ever” time.
– Moving to Bolivia! The ride there was so tough, but it turns out Bolivia itself? Pretty wonderful. And noy so difficult.
What I may Play with Next Time
– Costumes! Costumes are a priority.
– More burping? Keeping track of what I eat? Some kind of troubleshooting for whatever’s putting Scarlet in so much pain periodically.
– Asking for what I want a little more clearly a little bit sooner.
– Working internet! Internet that is too slow to watch Netflix is not sufficient when one is stuck in bed!
The Hard
– The thing where I lost half my blood and now I’m “not allowed” out of bed. Or even to sit up, some days. It sucks. Epically.
– The thing where I ignore the above and end up hurting myself.
– Needing to get Scarlet’s lip-tie cut, and how dizzy I was getting to the doctor’s office, and how even a little bit of blood looks like a lot when it’s coming out of your baby…
– The hubsters going out of town. For four days! Too many days!!
– Hugely disappointing very very painful non-action on someone else’s part brings up Every Bit of Rhiannon’s Stuff! All of it! And then people assume that Rhiannon is in a bad mood because of a.)hormones or b.)baby stuff, and this pisses Rhiannon off all the more because it’s not true!! And because they’re telling her what to do!! Stop!!!
– Gas or whatever bothering precious angel baby so that she screams and screams. And how walking is the best thing but when one is on bedrest, walking is “prohibited.”
– The fact that I can’t type, or even write in a notebook, while horizontal.
– So much support and love! It’s kind of freaking the monsters out.
– Stupid house delays. We were supposed to be done with delays! Meaning all kinds of phone calls to contractors, and as I am the one who’s in town and has time, I am the one making all the phone calls and this is not good.
– Scared I’m going to lose anything I ever had in common with non-Bolivians and they’ll all hate me.
The Good:
– Having my mother here to make me all my favorite food and do all the laundry and burp the baby and generally be amazing. And we’ve only had one minor argument so far. Definitely a record.
– So much support and love! From everywhere!! It’s awesome. I would say it’s restoring my faith in humanity, but it might actually be *creating* faith in this particular aspect of humanity for the first time ever.
– The way Scarlet roars and wrinkles her nose and wiggles her whole body when she believes there may be a nipple nearby.
– Sleeping on my back! Touching my toes! Moving around so easily! No heartburn! No rib pain! No calf cramps!!
– Unexpectedly adoring my postpartum body. Without trying to make myself like it at all. Feeling at a really deep level what it’s like to be the fattest you’ve been and also the most beautiful.
– At some point, they will tell us the exact price of the house we’re buying so we can send them the money. And then we’ll get to have the contractors start work. And probably by January we get to move in! To the Purple House!!
– Several nights with more than one period of 3 hours of sleep.
– Two hours alone with the hubsters before he left, for cuddles and a massage and reconnection. OhMyThatWasSoNice.
– Getting to sleep all sandwiched between the hubsters and the baby. So much love.
…
Not ready for superpowers yet (besides, I already mentioned my haircut). Maybe next week.
Love and gratitude to everyone!
Back to chickening and hopefully making it a regular thing! This week–
What worked:
Falling apart; letting someone in; making room for the pain – physical and emotional; pretending I had an extra day, VPAing, talking; asking.
Hard:
– pretending there was no pain
– migraine
– migraine hangover (still present)
– something that brought and triggered a lot of grief
– poverty ptsd
– no food
– crunch time
– some stuff from then that came up again and was frightening
– realizing I had entered December with all the pain and the stuff and the stuck
Good:
– pancake and waffle breakfast with my sweetheart
– waking up next to her
– finally being honest and not holding back
– making a new friend
– being in the right place at the right time with the perfect person
– kind of maybe possibly falling in love
– snow and the blushing sky
– a little bit of extra/unexpected money
Heart-sighs for everyone’s hard. <3
What worked:
-Getting lots of help
-Not pushing to work
-Allowing for PTSD late-ass bedtimes and not getting upset
-Really excellent advisors/medical care beamed to me by divine intervention
-Scorpionic Superfocus: the amputation from someone’s extreme verbal abuse just works, it just works to go the second it’s clear you’re dealing with someone across the line
The hard:
-Super extreme exhaustion, I need Eskimo snow kinds of vocabulary for tiredness here to convey it
-I think the dip into dairy made this worse
The good:
-Moved out
-Lots and lots of help from Brian the mover who is excellent at it
-I was there long enough to write a whole book. Nine months.
-Weirdly perfect–PERFECT–fit of two bookshelves, a desk, my meditation chair and my fuschia velvet couch in a room that I never ever thought would fit more than a bed.
–Meatballs, dandelion soup, bone broth all brewing up to help energy next week
–extra tom ka gai soup orders past me lined up in the fridge on Thursday came in extremely handy by today when it was impossible to get out of bed until 2pm.
-Eclipse fallout seems to be sweeping away
-OH YEAH: I got a card in the mail that the crazy gaslighting overdrafts my former bank was doing a few years ago were not my fault but were actually designed to be predatory and there is a massive class action settlement happening. Just feeling so relieved. Past-past me is like, I TOLD you it wasn’t my fault, you fckrs!
Oh wait, also in the good!:
-An adrenal expert explained to me the formerly disturbing phenomenon by which a bag of raisinets/general big dose of sugar stops PTSD when any number of meditative/pharmaceutical heavy remedies do nothing. So fascinating. The brain’s need for glucose is not to be underestimated! And I’m grateful to be back off the sugar now that the symptoms have passed.
-Clarity blooming about what’s next–from notes and epiphanies that beamed down earlier this year, the name of the thing that showed up magically in March or so–I think it is doable, and I know what big things I need to figure out in order to make it happen, and I think I do actually want to make it happen, and I think all the crazy non-writing stuff I’ve learned since 2003 has been leading to this—certainly without that learning curve I would not know what is important and what is important to not get tangled in. Hm.
Superpowers for next week: rest. maintenance. 2 hours is enough.