19 Comments

1. 

   Claire McAll on February 22, 2013 at 8:05 am

   Hello dear Havi. Humming warm hums of gladness at your description of this week. Hmmmmm 🙂

   I’ve been mulling over last week’s chicken (mine) where a LOT of the hard things were feelings, (as usual, but it was interesting to isolate them from the things that …stimulated… those feelings) and how one of the HARDEST feelings to stay connected to, to not skip out on and numb with solitaire or fakebook or food, was LOVE. Man, I can find love very hard to feel! There’s something in there about being face to face with LIFE when you’re feeling your emotions, even the “good” ones.

   And also have been trying to stay connected to the truth of “hardness” and “goodness” and “badness” and “easiness” are not qualities inherent in anything, they are ways of describing how I experience them. And how I create my own reality by how I describe things, so if I keep saying “this is so hard” it’s really not a supportive thing to do to myself. (FOR ME!)

   So I’m changing my chickens to “Intense things” and “Fun things”. Or “Light things”. I don’t know. “Mild things” maybe but in an enjoyable fun pleasant way. Like tiny surprises!

   So, here goes.

   Intense things

   * ASD meltdowns. Poor little lad, so brave for days on end and then waaaaaaaaahhh, he agreed to the red apple on Wednesday but he wanted the green one!!!!!!!! Oh my sweet kid, it’s okay, it’s okay, it’s okay, it’s okay, it’s okay. Of course there’s always a shitload of other stress going on fueling the upset-about-the-apple, but the issues that he picks to explain why he’s so upset are sometimes hilarious. But tears at bedtime can be intense. And trying to work out what has upset him and what he really needs to make him feel better is hard intense because …of the gap between what I want (to help him) and what I have access to in that moment (knowing what will help him). LOVE. Love is intense.

   * Sticking to my guns (what an awful phrase). Sticking to my resolution to not accept more money from my mother, no, not ‘it’s only twenty bucks’, no, not ‘you can pay me back next week’ (you know that doesn’t happen), just NO. I’m on a budget. I have a dragon tamer on board. I have enough gold to live on each week, I am learning how to sew up the holes in my satchel and channel my gold effectively. Let me grow up!!!! Intense = conflicting desires.

   * The psych assessment for Little Lad came back with the IQ score. It means he qualifies for funding for an aide at school 6-11 hours a week. Really this is great news. And I knew the report was coming, and I know it’s a ‘functional’ score not a definitive score, and his newest diagnosis is not a permanent one, but still, WOW. Black and white and on paper. Apparently I am not sovereign enough to just accept him as he is with love and serenity and not wish he was built in ways that I prefer. Fancy that. Intense = fear. And love. But fear. What does this meeeeeeeaan?? Crystal ball!! Quick! And vulnerability too. What if someone is mean to him???? Let me protect him from all the pain always! I don’t like accepting there are things I cannot do! Fear and vulnerability = intense.

   Hhhhmmmhhhmmmmmmm. Shake it out shake it out shake it out.

   Fun things

   * Listening Hiro’s HTRYW preview call recording and the very visceral and visual experience I had doing the exercise. The aspect of Prosperity is now a tiny gecko-like dragon curled up in an egg in my base chakra, incubating. Of course. Also my soul’s essence was lapis blue with gold flecks in the style of Van Gogh’s starry night. And I have wings. Now you know!

   * Staying up extreeeeeeemely late talking philosophy and business schemes and not making a big deal about “oh I SHOULD be sleeping” and actually the next day being surprisingly alright and then just going to bed early the next night and taking a nap this morning and it being fine. Yay sovereign sleep schedules. Yay philosophy and giggly scheming and inspiration. And ALSO, yay sleep.

   * I am totally tearing down the patriarchy. Just quietly. Can you feel it coming? That’s the revolution baby. Occupying our lives.

   * Wonderbaby is so cute it’s ridiculous. “Hooo! Hooo!!” she says, holding up my shoe. “Hah-ck. Hah-ck” pointing to the hats. Obligatory baby photo of the DIY yoghurt facial: check. Plus she cuddles on command now. Oh she’s so cute it’s so shmooo shmoooshy shmoooosh shmoooo…. Ahem.

   * Little Lad is coping really well, and doing really, REALLY very okay with the transition to school. And he can read 27 out of his 32 flashcard words already because he is a genius in some ways too.

   Hhhmmmhhhmmmmmm. Okay. Thank you week. Thank you everything that is done. Thank you everything that was. Hello now. And goodnight, my Friday Chicken Peeps.

   xoxoxoxo

   Reply
2. 

   Jane on February 22, 2013 at 8:46 am

   The hard

   Oh, let’s start with getting about four and a bit hours sleep last night. Boo.

   Generally weird and unpleasant dreams this week, lots of waking up in the night.

   Disappointment and a subsequent chorus of monster voices.

   Jealousy.

   Silent retreat!

   Discovering that I hate ice-skating. Or at least the experience of ice-skating that I had this week. Bah.

   Taking on way too much of other people’s stuff yesterday.

   Somehow being on my period again, and feeling awful and exhausted. And having scheduled a busy week.

   The Good

   Guerilla fashion show – and an excuse to wear my corset!

   Deciding to eat before going there. And leaving when we did.

   Exploring Emsworth, walking along the harbour and discovering an amazing and delicious tea shop. Whole Rosebud tea FTW!

   Reading another Mary Russell novel.

   Brilliant clothing discovery ju-ju.

   Things going very well at work.

   Seeing friends and meeting new people.

   Taking all my products and services off my website. Tingly possibility for what will arise from the flames.

   Yoga and dancing.

   Kitty schnuggles.

   Ahhh. Despite everything, I like this week. Throwing some sparkles in the air to mark it’s passing.

   Reply
3. 

   Mechaieh on February 22, 2013 at 9:39 am

   Cluck-cluck click!

   What worked?
   * Permission slip to research and then order face-specific sunscreens (because I’m tired of my eyes watering from even the gentler/sensitive varieties I’ve tried). The package from Badger was a delight — aside from the two new sunblocks I’m trying, it included a bonus chapstick on a pretty card, AND the perfect padding material to reuse on a shipment I needed to make this morning. Synchronicity!

   * Waiting. Not everything needs me to tug or push or charge in with toolbox. Not everything needs (or wants!) my .02.

   * Going to bed before 10 p.m. when I was really tired.

   What might I try next time?

   * Being decisive sooner
   * A new grid
   * Bringing in the oranges *before* they freeze in the trunk

   Hard:

   * Feeling peeved at what feels to me like other people’s carelessness.
   * Feeling haunted/bedeviled by my own lapses.
   * Seeing unapologetic sexism everywhere. Wanting to smite and scorch.
   * Still feeling like a complete wuss when dealing with things bike-related.

   Good:

   * Finding new homes for fine things
   * Drinks with colleagues and fellow singers
   * I am the Queen of Herding Dates into (Time)Line.
   * Seeing lots of deer during yesterday’s hike
   * My dog is adorable and adoring. This remains a source of wonder to me, even though she turned 12 this week.

   Superpowah this week: cleaning. The house is significantly less clogged in various spots than it was a week ago. 🙂
   Superpowah next week: shaping words!

   Warm wishes to all y’all.

   Reply
4. 

   Kathleen Avins on February 22, 2013 at 10:00 am

   What worked? Recognizing someone’s trigger, and managing not to take it personally or send me into a panic. Fires really do die down faster when I don’t add fuel. How about that!

   Next time I might… Keep a handy list of things to try when I’m feeling like crap.

   A hard thing: Fell unexpectedly into a pit of despair on Wednesday morning, and spent most of the day climbing out.

   A good thing: This week’s rehearsal. Because there are times when I am a freaking genius, and that’s really fun.

   Shazam! Brought home the prodigal dog. (No, that isn’t a proxy for anything.)

   Superpowers! This week: musical vision. Next week: deep communication.

   Reply
5. 

   Katie Hart on February 22, 2013 at 10:49 am

   Cheers, Chickeneers!

   The Hard
   – depletion
   – slow, snowy commutes
   – depletion

   The Good
   – finally getting the dining room decorated

   Reply
6. 

   Leni on February 22, 2013 at 11:40 am

   Hello, feels like it’s been a while. So resonating with everyone today. Heart sighs and hummings!

   the suck:
   -feeling tender about the friendly dogs. then being like, whoa why do i care what a dog thinks??
   -ovescheduled?? between Landmark and Masterminding, lots of time getting eaten up, massive change up from typical hermity goodness. Too much yet, or just enough challenge?
   -i hate facebook generally. ucky pic of me tagged to another’s page, my whole list sees bad pic of me. ouch
   -the same week my girlfriend posts shots of many bags pf Victora secret swag her boy paid for her to get, and bikini pcitures of herslf. ugh, feel soooo shitty about this
   -but not shitty enough to stop eating potato chips
   -hit n the face with the huge gap wberween what i wnated my Bl;ack Madonna presentation to b and what it was. Eecution failures, tech failures, not enough rehearsing, etc. being called on this DURING presentation. Shame and frustration
   -having husband just demand time from the night or mornng i left for California last friday. my plansa and needs ignored, this caused me stress and more stress. also, turned out the reason for this demand on my time was user error on his part. feeling disrespected and squandered.
   -comign home from 4 dyas away, husband doesnt even get up from his computer until i shame him into it.

   the good:
   -Pantheacon!
   -really reaching popele with my rpesentation
   -having attarcative men flirt with me, talk with me, LISTEN to what i’m saying. Having long standing curhs finally admit he wasnt to sleep with me. so nice to hear this!
   -feeling conencted and happy and confident and in my pwper, and bringing home that vibe (for a few hours anyway)

   what worked:
   -Conducting!
   -Exiting and Entering
   -Super Powers of Nothign is Wrong and verything is Okay

   Next time:
   -take off whole week after Pcon
   -Pcon starts the night before. SAY NO to all requests.
   -rr-read The Three and the Book of Time before leaving.
   -Pack a tool-kit

   Reply
7. 

   seagirl on February 22, 2013 at 11:43 am

   Haloo chickeners! And I love being reminded of the Swedish Chef!

   The Hard:
   Sleepy today, awake from 2:30 to 4:30 am (but got to snuggle with the cat who now sleeps under the comforter)

   Money, did I say money? Money. Or lack thereof. Gah.

   Patience. Working on getting weight off and trying to remember slow and steady and stop weighing yourself every single day.

   The Good:
   Amazing meeting yesterday with someone at the place I want to work. Sprucing up my resume to send him as he asked! Loving that the blizzard and postponed meeting gave me the time I needed to feel worthy to work there and revise my LinkedIn profile so that I actually have an update resume to send him.

   Clients, yay.

   Knowing what I want, and having it become more and more clear as I move up in line.

   New friends, branching out.

   Reply
8. 

   Jesse on February 22, 2013 at 1:01 pm

   Oh this week. This week, this week, this week.

   My week was full of so many things that seemed to seep into me, too much too deep. So this chicken is going to be releasing all of these things back into the gentle water that can heal them:

   ~ H and her dilemma
   ~ Kaiser
   ~ D’s worry
   ~ All the badness that can hide under the carpets
   ~ E and the things I assume about him
   ~ The budget thing
   ~ L’s worry
   ~ S’s children
   ~ Our Andromeda
   ~ K’s letter
   ~ Evening depletion
   ~ Anything else I’ve forgotten and accidentally soaked up from the ether, you are also free to release into the gentle water, farewell, thank you, farewell.

   Things that are welcome and can definitely stay and multiple joyfully: the end of the night hours. All the tiny lego houses! Binx snuggles. Stealing tiny sleep-in minutes. Fake BLTs. Leaf baby flutters. All the tree buds that are soooooo ready to burst into flower. Everything warm. Everything restful. The library. Sliced apples with tillamook. Everything peaceful. Everything in its right place (in the good way). Songs about little mice. Finding what needs to be kept, and letting go of the rest, as a general theme of this week as it winds to a close. And letting go of the rest. And letting go of the rest. And letting go of the rest.

   xo to all.

   Reply
9. 

   Elizabeth on February 22, 2013 at 1:56 pm

   Hi chickeneers, I’m feeling very grateful for the massive amount of decency and loveliness here.

   Oh this week!
   The hard:
   PTSD sleep disturbances in beginning

   Unpacking from move takes so much energy, and there is that old deep workaholic thing in me that sees total depletion and reserves used up as 100% normal, therefore doesn’t see moving as an energy drain. Ouch. Same when anything else huge hits me, there is this total taking it in stride and smiling thing that worked for a long time but is in fact super deadly. Like getting punched in the face but having some automatic function immediately cover it up w/makeup in 30 seconds flat. God that worked for so long! And now—nooooooooo.

   I am rattled! That is the word I needed to describe this! Slimed by narcissist exposure, on turf that is very precious and needs 100% protection. Very very rattled. Feels very doomy. Hiding under covers, avoiding even swearing about it! If I go near it it feels like years wasted, I can’t do anything right, the line up of disgustingness that is late capitalism is not a force I can withstand much longer: these monsters are seriously hanging out. I needed the Monster Manual reminder as much as the word rattled! Thanks Havi

   I spent too much time on the Internet too.

   The good:
   Most severe exhaustion seems to be leaving
   Texting with Em about the Rattler and introversion and help, helped
   Made appt with D
   Did get unpacked! Closets look gorgeous as does new beautiful office w wall of windows
   3d crock pot: just for broth, broth-centric lifestyle yay
   Much appreciation for my closet clearing superpowers, also it is sort of hilarious the chaos someone has around shoes
   Em pointed out the fluidity and clarity of mind after a 2 wk sickness, rather than self loathing for the isolation
   I am feeling more and more radical, on most fronts–time, what my life is supposed to look like, white people dinner party social expectations, weight/body–and this is really comforting and also liberating. I didn’t think that being radically outside of everything would be where safety and happiness would be. Good to know.

   What worked: reaching out
   What I would do differently: total swat team sovereignty around narcissist exposure for the next month at least. No blurry excuses around it. Also no coffee craziness. More support before even minor Rattler proximity. Talk to monsters.

   Superpower I had: Suck It Up Lady, You Are Exhausted, Just Rest without Delusions
   Superpower I want: Magical Passage, It Is So Much Easier Than You Thought

   Reply
10. 

    asa plesner on February 22, 2013 at 2:55 pm

    Hello chicken. Leaving a pebble for the Seeming Impossibility of Chickening Without Breaking Down. Planting a wish to find out more about thus, in a mild and loving way, when I’m ready. l

    Reply
    • 

      Havi Brooks on February 22, 2013 at 3:40 pm

      (blows kiss @asa)

      Reply
11. 

    Chandler on February 22, 2013 at 3:10 pm

    It’s so good to read about your Re-Entry, because today I’m right there with you. I’m back from my two-week Great Escape (similar to your Vicarage, I imagine, though a third of that time was solidly work-related…in a good way, it turned out!), so it’s kind of a giant milk-fed Chicken this time. But thinking in terms of short pellet points feels right, so here goes:

    What worked?

    • Listening to Body, and putting it first whenever possible.
    • Trusting my instincts, and following the breadcrumbs they left for me.
    • The careful set-ups Past Me left for Incoming Me! Wow, so good.
    • Embarking with a playmate!
    • Buffer phrases. Especially unconscious ones. The better I got at them, the less I needed them.
    • Secret smiles in response to baffled incredulity.
    • Paying attention to ALL the things. Because inspiration was never far behind.
    • Following the rabbit holes.
    • Internal Compass. She was at her strongest ever!
    • Heading South before North! Doing it widdershins!! I wish I’d had more of that.
    • Treating Exit and Re-Entry gently. Not forcing it.
    • Most of all: constantly remembering that Whatever Happens at Rally is Part of Rally. The concept also applied to the Great Escape, in SO many ways. And remembering that dissolved much of the hard.

    Next time I might:

    • Load in more time for the Front-End Adventures, and pack fewer things in at the end, when it felt like Exit was more appropriate.
    • Head South sooner, and for longer.
    • Jot down more notes to help Future Me remember.
    • Nightly Chickens, rather than just at the end.
    • More tea. Lots more tea.
    • Even more setting up for Future Me. Even more Entry & Exit.

    The hard:

    • Sensory overload!
    • Being interested in absolutely EVERYTHING made it hard to filter and choose.
    • The feeling of never enough time. Racing the sun.
    • Small-town stares, especially when I came to dine alone. Ugh.
    • Friends falling ill along the way; trying not to succumb myself while still attempting to help them.
    • Energy petering out before I was ready for it.
    • Feeling slightly poorly on the last day. Trying to fend off illness today.
    • The feeling of not being able to return for a LONG time.
    • Not knowing how the Unknown Future will change other Great Escapes down the line. If there are other ones. Not knowing that answer is also hard.

    The good:

    • Sun! And sea! So much of both. Yes.
    • Drawing, all the time.
    • Listening to my playmate. She has good ideas.
    • Everything about my playmate, actually.
    • Watching the expressions on total strangers’ faces when they saw my playmate come walking down the street with her dog. Every single time. It was so delightful.
    • Fresh oranges! And olives! And avocados! Everything exotic at hand.
    • Friendly, kind, helpful strangers at every turn, even in the most unexpected situations. Hugs to all of them, with thanks.
    • That dinner on the last night, in Cannon Beach. Holy smokes. Such a great sendoff for the journey.

    Superpowers I had:

    • The superpower of Everything That Happens is Part of It. This was huge, and omnipresent.
    • The superpower of I Always Know How to Get Where I’m Going, Even if There Is No Map.
    • The superpower of Drawing from Memory.
    • The superpower of Engaging with Strangers.

    Superpowers I’d like for the coming week:

    • The superpower of Maintaining Momentum.
    • The superpower of Finishing What I Started
    • The superpower of Picking Up Where I Left Off.
    • The superpower of See How Easy This Was??
    • The superpower of I Am a Whirlwind of Tidiness.

    Reply
12. 

    VickiB on February 22, 2013 at 4:53 pm

    I am loving all the superpowers! We are *amazing*!

    What worked:
    Letting things happen instead of trying to make them happen.
    Silent snark.

    Next time:
    Answer those stupid annoying sales calls with “Thank you for waking me up. Now, tell me, how can I disrupt your day?”

    Hard:
    Stupid annoying “courtesy calls” where they don’t have to courtesy to listen to me!
    Having a telephone. Some days!
    Headache that affected my digestion.
    Strong wind on Monday night.
    Nearly running out of gas on the night of the strong icy wind and the bad headache.
    Paying mucho bucks to fix that plumbing problem and it hasn’t stayed fixed.
    Too many people have colds. Not me, not MrB, but it’s limiting our interaction with others.
    I got some live blooming plants for Valentines and I’m having a hard time keeping them alive.

    Good:
    The Floop Groop
    At-home Rally and chickening with others who are doing the same.
    MrB.
    Making him laugh.
    Feeling snowed in without really being snowed in.
    Wes.
    The Tuesday Talk.
    Former students showing up in my favorite café.
    Compliments about my teaching, especially when I hear someone saying it to another person!
    Soup.
    The internet – so much there!
    The FS archives – so much there!
    Books. OMG, how I love books!

    Yay for everyone’s fun/good/lovely things. Hugs for the hard/intense/challenging.

    Reply
13. 

    Rhiannon on February 22, 2013 at 4:59 pm

    Hard:

    – Not sleeping. And then not sleeping. And then sleeping even less. Insomnia + baby nursing every hour + more insomnia. Everything I did this week was like wading through a fog.

    – Stupid bear time.

    – And not getting to do the Most Important Part of bear time, which is not seeing anyone.

    – Actually, bear time aside, insomnia aside, I spent SO MUCH time socializing this week. It would have been too much no matter what. And I complained the whole time but complaining didn’t lead to socializing any less. I need some time to do some processing on that.

    – Also not really eating. Usually my first response to anything is to eat more and when people say things like “I was too busy/stressed to eat” I shoot daggers at them with my eyes, but seriously? I’m too busy and stressed to eat. This isn’t good.

    – Post-pregnancy hair loss means there is hair EVERYWHERE. I spend a lot of time unwinding it from various parts of the baby.

    – Our nanny cancelled. Again. So no date with my husband this week. No massage. I’m too heartbroken to be heartbroken over this.

    – My work hours got split up over three days and that wasn’t good. And the SUPER EXCITING PROGRESS with work and writing also brought up a lot of stuff. So ow.

    – Trying to figure out a way to feed the wee little where my boobs are not directly involved. And wow. Talk about a transition filled with a lot of stuff, both mine and other people’s. Also complicated. (No I’m not weaning a three month old baby, nor am I feeding her formula. Just trying to get her to take expressed milk in a bottle/cup/oral syringe/something. I also definitely don’t want advice on it.)

    – That one heartbreak, the one from – oh – late October? It’s acting up again.

    – Realized that how much I miss my friends from college is affecting everything else. Negatively. So yay for the information but wow. Even though it’s been years since we were in the same city, it hurts every day that they aren’t here. Every day. (Why can’t everyone I like move to Portland? Stupid New York. Stupid Idaho.)

    The Good:

    – The Bloggess followed me on Twitter. -swoon- Me and, you know, almost 20,000 other people. But I am one of those almost 20,000 people!!

    – Also, Twitter was amazing this week. I love Twitter.

    – I got so much written this week (including 2,000 words on my new thing)! And so much clarity about what was holding back my writing! And also a lot of clarity about my website!

    – Was able to turn the “you’re a cliche” shoe into some very useful information about me. Still hurts, but not as much.

    – Sweet Scarlet is three months old. And has started giggling madly at the least provocation. Best. Baby. Ever.

    – I got to have dinner with Andy! He is interesting and kind and very fun to talk to! Which I guess I already knew since those are all the reasons I talk to him online too, but meeting him in real life was super special.

    – Got to hang out with not only Andy, but also a few other people who really like me and get what I’m trying to do and…basically think I’m brilliant. Since most the people I talk to off the internet are like “what do you do again?” or “have you made some tangible progress yet?” or “what do you mean, internet business?” it’s nice when people get it. And, you know, believe in me.

    – The room in The Purple House where I’m going to teach is starting to come together. Both in the real world and in my mind. I can see it!

    – Starting my website design class. May it teach me all the things I need to know!

    Superpowers?

    I just want some sleep.

    Love love love chickaneers of the high seas!

    Reply
14. 

    erin b on February 22, 2013 at 7:07 pm

    The Good:

    Awesome progress and destuckification being shared by some other women in an online community I’m part of.

    I love the advice blog Captain Awkward, and some helpful commenter mice there mentioned this lovely blog and the also-lovely Monster Talk, and I’m devouring both blogs like the delicious things they are.

    The Hard:

    I had a shitty day at work, and it wasn’t a random shitty day, it was a symptom of some larger shitty patterns embedded in a mass of communal stuckness that feels like far too much for one person to shift. Which is all the more painful because there is actually a lot that I enjoy about my job, and this situation is sucking the fun right out of it and activating a lot of my stuff.

    My dear friend C was coming to visit for the weekend, but she’s had to cut it down to a daytrip rather than an overnight, and we’re not going to get much one on one time at all. I _understand_ why–she’s being a mensch about some unexpected happenings that meant plans needed to shift–but the prospect of extended hangout time with her was what was getting me through this week, and I’m sad that it won’t happen as plan.

    I tried to build a blanket fort to get some much-needed HSP/introvert recovery time, and it fell down on me, causing me to hit a random key and lose the first version of this point, at which point I said “I give up.”

    The Good again: After giving up, I rolled over into corpse pose on the floor and just lay there for awhile. And it helped. A lot.

    Reply
15. 

    Simone on February 23, 2013 at 7:09 am

    Wow. So, like, why did I ever stop chickening? I don’t know. But here I go. Hi, chicken! Hi, chickeneers!

    This is reminding me. I am doing a lot of Returning. Lots of literal Returning. But I need a different word for it because ‘returning’ implies that the thing that I am returning to is the same thing and it’s a linear process of you were at A, and then you were not at A, and then you are back at A. Except there is no A because it is always changing and so is the me-who-is-in-one-place-or-another. So I need a word that encompasses these qualities of fluidity and spaciousness. okay maybe I should process this in a different forum.

    On with the chicken!

    THE HARD
    – A cockroach situation. Not a metaphor. It was not fun. Gah, cockroaches! Even the name is icky.
    – Occasionally being plunged back to ouchy-ouch Stories From Then.
    – Encountering M’s stories about me that had nothing to do with me, which still hurt until I remembered not to be. (But the good in this was remembering how far I’d come and how good I am now at not absorbing other people’s unsovereign energy. being happy about having removed myself from unsovereign situations, even though the removal process was the most painful.)
    – Somehow needing to hold onto narratives about myself which, now I know, run directly counter to results of scientific investigations. (i.e. narrative: everything I ever created for my business sucks and should be destroyed forever to protect the public from my suckiness. scientific investigation says: everybody is always like SIMONE WHERE IS YOUR PRODUCT/SERVICE/BLOG I LOVED IT SO MUCH AND THE WORLD NEEDS IT AND MAKE IT COME BACK PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE.)
    – Interacting with my online business and so much to untangle. I can untangle it, I’m sure, but it’s hard.
    – This is a minor hard but.. ohmygod ‘minor hard’. That is my metaphor for this thing except not a metaphor and I am giggling because ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha lolz. Minor Hard. It happened. *giggles some more* *hangs head in shame*
    – Digestive problems. Chronic. Must figure out new ways of interacting with this.
    – Honestly? There wasn’t much else and the stuff-above wasn’t even that bad. Reading Havi’s chicken reminds me of the insane, insane number of superpowers I had. Which brings me to…

    THE GOOD
    I was super-wonder-woman this week. It is NOT even funny how ridiculously awesome I was. I was a Winner At Large. I like winning. I WON LIFE. Actually, I also realized that I am always winning when I’m paying some fucking attention. But this week, the quality of winning kept smacking me over the head in the most delicious ways possible. Let’s check out all the ways in which I WON AT LIFE in my first week of having been back in NYC.
    – I’m back in NYC! Yeah, baby, this is good. This is Good. On so many levels. So many high-fives to all the past-me’s who had pain about this. It was all going to dissolve in deliciousness. I wish I knew. I know now! (Dissolve in Deliciousness! Making things so! I want this superpower to continue.)
    – I got into the fancypants choir so that I could immediately resume my happy happy singing schedule. In the most beautiful cathedral. Beauty! Incense! Mass! Harmony! Ritual! Oh, and I get to celebrate mass with the fucking Cardinal every Sunday. No big deal. I passed the audition with flying colors and got to show off what a genius prima donna I am.
    – Speaking of, I resumed voice lessons and my voice still remembered everything I learned a year ago. I talked to my teacher and will probably soon be auditioning for paid gigs. Which means I get to (ohmygod seriouslyfinallywhoawhoa) be a motherfucking professional singer. And yes monsters are FREEEAAAAAKING the fuck out but I am pretty sure I can talk to them and we can all come to state of things Dissolving in Deliciousness.
    – I have the best voice. Grateful and happy doesn’t even begin to cover it. Music is the bestest thing ever. I am never happier than when I’m singing. Never. When I’m singing, life makes sense. The world makes sense. Love makes sense. And I get to sing in all the most beautiful surroundings. WINNING, like I said.
    – This week, I wrote the most amazing (okay the superlatives are piling up but it was that kind of week) pages in the Book of Me. I remembered all the things stunningly fast. I ran into all the stories and the pains and they had lost their charges in the most unbelievable ways because of the speed at which I remembered all the things. Ah, peace.
    – I took the hottest person out on dates. To bars. We batted eyelashes, we flirted, we exchanged dirty looks. She was the hottest and our time together was light and playful and yummy and soul-satisfying. Other people were totally jealous.
    – The superpower of Dating Myself at the Bar brought me all kinds of wonderful discoveries. Conversation was always there. People were different at bars this week. Good-different. Open and good-vulnerable and menschy and fascinating. Probably due to my superpower.
    – I discovered a new superpowerful ritual of Clearing. I somehow never knew how to do this and it arrived and it was the most useful and relief-making. Grateful and happy.
    – The Book of Me! Became stupendously useful and exponentially smarter this week. I actually carried it with me everywhere.
    – The simplest perfectest solution to the Giant Perpetual Problem of Doom. It just showed up and we twinkled and made love. I’m still reeling. We’ll probably do it again. And again.
    – The universe keeps hitting me over the head (in a good way) with the Message. Congruencies. Unbelievable ones.
    – I am so, so, so happy and proud to be where I am now. The Shit Tunnel was worth it, not in a way that delegitimizes the legitimate pains but, fuck me, the Tunnel wasn’t forever and I got through it and I emerged on the other side and holy shit, things are beautiful outside because I was once inside.

    Hugs to all the other chickeneers!

    Reply
16. 

    brooklynchick on February 23, 2013 at 7:24 am

    Bork! Bork! Bork! Bork! I will be saying this a lot today.

    Reply
17. 

    Pearl on February 23, 2013 at 7:01 pm

    Cheers, Chickeneers, and happy Saturday. Unless you live in a place where it is summer, in which case it is Sunday. (that sounded way more mysterious when I thought it)

    Kisses and hand-on-heart sighs for everyone’s hards and yays.

    What worked:
    Asking the asks.

    The Hard:
    – Shoes! First a baby bootie sized shoe and then something, oh, I don’t know, slipper sized. Right at the end of a very long and tiring day. And from someone to whom it is complicated to say “please don’t toss your shoes at me”
    – Philosophy class was HARD this week. Much harder than expected. And I ran out of time containers in which to do independent research to try and understand it. I had a brief moment of feeling stupid and angry about the difficulty.
    – Working when my clients are all on holiday is dull, boring and tedious. Next time I might take the day off.
    – Weird time container things this week. Still returning from being sick, and forgetting to set things up for future-me.

    The Yay!
    + Added a “How to care for your new…” page to my book of me. Borrowing from Gretchen Ruben, and writing about myself as if I”m writing directions to a nanny who will be caring for toddler-me. (“Don’t forget, if Pearl gets too chilly, she will feel yucky afterwards, so please keep her bundled up.”) Gave me much giggles and enjoyment to start writing on it.
    + Class-wise, I contributed to discussion forums, and got some praise on my writing. That always feels good!
    + Realized after therapy on Thursday that I have some of the things I say I want to have, I just don’t recognize them.
    + I finally set a date and time to do something that I’ve been putting off for a year because I didn’t want to make the phone call to do it. It’s on the calendar and I don’t have to make the call now!
    + Three words: Streaming Wisdom2 Conference. I watched the talk with Sherry Turkle this morning, and it knocked my socks off.
    + Something someone here said about emptying/replenishing being like breathing has popped up in my mind every time I take a few mindful breaths to recenter myself this last week. It’s been a beautiful reminder that energy is not unlimited and I do need to replenish.

    Magical Powers:
    This week: The Gift of Burnout (reminding me where my limits are)
    Next week: The Gift of Inviting Replenishment

    Reply
18. 

    Cat on February 23, 2013 at 9:20 pm

    “This is right.” Like this. Was talking about some things to the TCM grad student I saw for treatment and she said, “it’s all just perfect.” I don’t know about that, but if we are all here to learn and evolve then it is all right – and it’s reassuring when we aren’t sure we did the right thing, but did what we needed to do and felt most moved to do for our own empowerment and growth.

    What worked?

    Somehow I am getting all the help I need with this move.
    Making the decision to get out of this awful apartment/trap where I’ve been living like a semi-horading hermit for the past five years.

    The Hard –

    Standing up to N-mother and getting the silent treatment.
    Not knowing where I’m supposed to end up.
    Not sure I should go to MI to see her after all after MT.
    Having to start all over again.

    The Good –

    Knowing I have a place to stay for the next couple of months.

    My energy is rising going through and packing up and ditching so much of this stuff.
    I do have a couple of friends I can count on. I am not all alone. I get the help I need it seems when I most need it.
    I can get away from all this social hype in this city that’s always brought me down with its inauthentic dramas too.
    Free to search out fresh starts.
    Knowing the value finally of things and people being left
    behind.
    Finally seeing through so many ego things.
    More self-love and nurturing
    Dog is family.

    Superpower I need next week –

    The same as yours, Havi. That is such a great help.
    Resilliance to distress I don’t need right now.
    Personal Power and confidence in spite of perceived odds.
    Staying in the now and out of the abyss of my doomed future according to mom and my internalized view that I’m alone and doomed – always.

    Reply