Friday chickenWhere I cover the good and the hard in my week, visiting the non-preachy side of ritual and self-reflection.

And you get to join in if you feel like it.

I wish to report that I took a two-hour nap EVERY SINGLE DAY THIS WEEK.

That’s basically the chicken. 🙂

What worked?

Silent retreat, still, again.

My god I love silent retreat.

Coming up with secret agent code for airplane mode on the phone.

AIR = Accessing Internal Resonance.

Plane = shutting down external input and interference from the outside plane so that I can access my internal plane. The plane of Havi Bell humming her secret hum. PLANE is also: Plenty. Light. Adventure. Newness. Effervescence.

Air/plane mode! With an 8-letter compass.

I feel good about this. And it made it so much easier to shut down the phone. Because why would I not want to access internal resonance? Yay.

Thank you everyone for the wonderful suggestions you made last week! Loved all of them, and they sent me on the right track. xo

Asking for reminders.

Trusting my instincts.

Next time I might…

Remember the superpower of Yay Regrets!

This is a superpower that I came to, somewhat circuitously, by way of my friends Max and Jeff, who do not know each other and should.

But basically it’s kind of like this:

Ahahahahahaaaaa I just made a terrible decision of hilariously terrible proportions and observed myself making it! So now it is therefore actually kind of a great decision, because look at this moment right now!

This will be the last time I consciously choose something like this that is so obviously not supportive of the good of me. So yay. And each time I choose not-this = yay. And also yay because I am noticing this. And also yay for everything that I am doing to interact with the already-decided decision and shift my relationship to it.

Anyway, this superpower worked great for me this week, once I remembered it. I want this one at the top of the bag where I can just reach for it.

Let the compass decide.

Every time I stopped trying to “make” decisions and just got quiet, everything was simple.

I want to remember this. More of this.

Things I found challenging.

  • Making a guilt-based should-based decision that resulted in days of exhaustion.
  • Oh the monsters.
  • All the socialize. I do not like the socialize. Too Much Socialize. Serious suffering from Too Much Socialize sydrome. But mainly from ignoring the fact that I have it and trying to “act like a normal person” who likes being around people. The phrase “act like a normal person” courtesy of my monsters, obviously.
  • Huge falling apart brought on by the Too Much Socialize. And specifically, Too Much Socialize in ways that is especially not conducive to Happy Havi. It took three days to recover from one not-aligned-with-what-I-wanted decision.
  • Getting stood up. Twice.
  • Well, experiencing that as my reality and using that as my vocabulary. Thinking that I was being stood up, and that this is even a thing.
  • Growlsome! Thanks to my playmate for the word. I had a growlsome mood!
  • Realizing how much information I had about what isn’t working, not able to see the information about what is. Leading to a visit from a gaggle of What’s The Point and Everything In Your Life Is Wrong monsters.
  • Super creepy guy at the grocery store.
  • Someone else’s exhausting and pointless drama. Getting involved in it before realizing what I was doing.
  • The house needs new windows and to be painted.
  • Internal misunderstandings.

Things I delighted in.

  • I’m finding even more holes in the work systems and patch-patch-patch this is actually fun.
  • Secret agent code got all the errands done. The Wall is Green. Repeat. The Wall is Green. Secret Serum X. Talk to Q.
  • Mini-fake-beach-day with Danielle!
  • Spring! Seeing the sky from the bedroom again. Light in the evening. Crocuses everywhere.
  • Sweet and intense (and intensely sweet) time with someone close to my heart.
  • Undoing the chrysalis and turning it into an 8 day compass-labyrinth that starts after my birthday instead of before.
  • So much napping! So much playtime! So much writing! So many flowers.
  • The most wonderful birthday ever.
  • You know how much I love flowers, right? Of course you do. Also: my proxy mission at Crossing the Line (and therefore also secretly my mission for the entire year and maybe my life) was discovering how/why flowers make everything better. So imagine my astonishment and delight when I came home Thursday and there were gorgeous flower deliveries waiting for me.
  • Thank you for the flowers, Rebecca and Andy and my beloved Hiro and also my parents, who get thanked for the flowers and for giving birth to me. And for the cheekbones. Well done. These are great cheekbones.
  • Thank you [Floop!] for the phrase Happy Haviday. And thank you, Nick, for the phrase Feliz Havidad!
  • The kind of socialize that is FUN and that I like, and that doesn’t wear me out. Beer and hilarity with my wonderful cousin Noah. Agent K taking me to see Thao and the Get Down Stay Down at the Doug Fir. One on one. Real conversation. Silent retreat. No pressure. Laughter and understanding. Playfulness! This is what Havi likes.
  • Still hugely happy about successfully training adored housemate to add the word soccer to the phrase “I have some bad news”. Some bad SOCCER news.
  • All the not-terrible [SOCCER] news. Like the first match of the season not being the disaster it looked like it was going to be. Like Diego Valeri, my god. Seriously, this goal. Oh, happiness.
  • Everything about Stompopolis! Everything about the Floop!
  • A healing from Wally that was out of this world.
  • Surprise birthday candles at the pub. Thank you, Replacement Agent E, for setting that up and for standing in for my missing dining companion.
  • I wasn’t stood up! I stood myself up by forgetting to say yes to an invitation. And also it is not being stood up, it is receiving a key to a secret door, and letting both key and door be whatever I need. Thank you, monster coloring book, for helping me resolve this.
  • Speaking of monsters and how the coloring book and manual are magic, my Your Life Is A Disaster Look At Your Life monster revealed itself to be a collection of “we just want you to love your life” worries.
  • And then I remembered that all this monster-ing happens every year on the day before my birthday! Which is why I like to plan for it with chrysalis. So then the whole mini-existential-crisis felt embarrassed for being predictable and fizzled, and we giggled about that.
  • My playmate: “Havi Bell is not even one year old so I think we should be sweet and understanding.” Aw.
  • Once all the pre-birthday monstering dissolved, I felt fantastic.
  • The internal scientists have determined that my general Life Contentment is up by at least a million percent from last year. My five biggest life challenges that I was dealing with a year ago have actually all been resolved. That is amazing. My five current big life challenges are actually, shockingly, kind of no big deal compared with what I was dealing with a year ago. Huh.

Superpowers!

A superpower I had this week…

This Is Right. I Just Don’t Know How Yet. And I don’t need to know. Boom.

And a superpower I want next week.

Building in extra time for entry as a matter of course.

Playing live at the meme beach house — the Fake Band of the Week!

Background. Ez and I make up bands. Stu (retired Bolshevik-fearing voice-to-text software) once invented hanging out at the Meme Beach House“. It’s just one guy.

I so wanted this week’s band to be Hither and Yawn, but apparently that has been done. Not by a band, but still.

Luckily I am pleased to present you with:

Shower Cap On The Moose.

Thank you, Ez.

Though, of course, it’s really just one guy.

Confidential to M.

I love you and I love your magical silent retreat treasure chest that arrived exactly on my birthday. I laughed and clapped like a tiny child who just caught a glimpse of a fairy. I loved each thing more than the next, and I especially loved that it was a metaphor and we both knew it was a metaphor, and how often does that happen?! This is a Havi whose heart is overflowing with delight. <3

Hallo Hallo! I am saying Hallo Hallo. Announcement time.

Picture me wearing that crazy hat…

If you have already been to a Rally, I have a lovely surprise for you coming up.

If you’re in Portland The Younger (the one in Oregon), come to Stompopolis and do some pop-ins!

Other than that, I recommend the class on TIME.

That’s it for me …

Join my Friday ritual in the comments if you feel like it. Or call silent retreat!

We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. And we don’t give advice (unless people specifically ask for it).

Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.

Shabbat shalom.

p.s. It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — join in whenever (or not) and it’s no big deal.

The Fluent Self