Where I cover the good and the hard in my week, visiting the non-preachy side of ritual and self-reflection.
And you get to join in if you feel like it.
What worked?
Trust.
The hardest.
But man, when you commit to it.
Relinquishing an old idea of what “right” looks like.
I was trying to make a mission happen, and my contact (Agent Stan of Stanistan) was not playing ball.
It kept not working, and I kept trying because I was convinced that this particular agent was crucial to the mission, and then eventually I realized: wait, this is stupid and not fun.
So I asked for the new just-right agent to be my contact for this mission, and I found her and it was easy. And her name is Bee, which is the best name in the world, and she was even more helpful than Stan of the Stans had ever been.
Letting Bond Girl say when.
Now? Now.
Unapologetically following instinct.
Even when there was monster-fear about ” oh no what will people think”.
I got to 442 and it was wrong, and I left, and this was right. Like that.
Next time I might…
- Stay connected to the essence of the mission, not the form.
- More entry time.
- Ask our man in Marin for help.
- More time for Putterday.
The mysteries. Things I found challenging (and mysterious!).
- Havi Bell, known Highly Sensitive Person, should never be in a sports bar playing multiple games on multiple screens all at full volume. This is a high-anxiety experience for her .
- The thing I wanted to play with this week did not get played with. This is probably good, but I was attached to a timeline that past-me had set up, forgetting that past-me did not have as much information as I do right now.
- A perfect storm of no lunch plus late class plus change of plans plus canceled plans results in: All The Stuff At Once. Too far gone to formulate a Plan B. Frustration of “wait, I followed the plan and it didn’t work!”
- Two outrageously unsovereign relationships that need to end. Not having the words for this. Guilt about disappearing on people who think they need me.
- Someone who does not know about [my friend who is dead] and how much of a wreck I am about this, still, talking to me about how he doesn’t see the point of being alive. And I kind of lost it.
- People I care about: deep in the distortions. Not seeing the love, even though it is everywhere.
- Head full of thinky-thoughts.
- Formerly-favorite-dance-instructor has gone all motivational, and I can’t stand it. I do not need or want to be motivated. I just want to dance.
- Speaking of distortions. Hello, old friend Pronoun Is Just Not That Into You. I remember you.
- Wanting.
- Tuesday night. Being awake from 1am.
- The spell is broken. The spell was so much fun! And suddenly it is over, which is probably good because I don’t think I wanted to be under a spell. But it was amazing, and I miss it.
- Ugh why the terrible goodbyes? Why can’t they either say the thing or just disappear in that crucial moment of DOORWAY and ENDING. Anything but this “well, have a nice weekend” awkward non-endings. I had pain.
- Again it is spring and I do not have the spring things. Monsters are very loud about this.
- Ludicrous Fear Popcorn about being a hostess who isn’t providing well for her guests.
- People are in their stuff and so unknowledgeable about the fact that it is their stuff, yes.
Things I found delightful.
- Friday night.
- GNR somehow miraculously beating the Betties. Despite falling apart after the first ten minutes and being down by 80+ points and oh all is lost. I was just hoping we could close the gap and lose by less-than-fifty. BUT WE WON! By three points! In six years of crazed fandom, I have never seen my Guns N Rollers beat the Betties. It happened once in scrimmage but never in a bout.
- Miracles, miracles.
- An entirely new level of passionate presence.
- The bout demanded zebra tights, and zebra tights make everything better.
- A life-changing moment of surprousal (translation: “I didn’t realize Unlikely Thing was a turn-on for me but actually ohmygod, yes!”). New information.
- Channeling the Bond Girl superpowers of Extreme Confidence and Anything Is Possible, and having impossibly great things happen as a result.
- The Seder. It was beautiful and fun and sweet, and everything I wanted/needed.
- Two whole days of being Bond Girl.
- Following instinct lead me to the fountain which lead me to the rainbow which lead me to the clue which lead me to the healing. This was big.
- Letting things be right. This is Right.
- Running away from 442 and ending up at the Back Stage Bar for the US-Mexico match, which was the best place to watch it.
- Playmate.
- Warm day in the sun, spent napping in the garden.
- Agent A, our man in Marin, helped me solve a conundrum.
- Marisa was visiting and now Svevo is visiting, and I am happy.
- Bee! Bee!
- Vicarage II. I now know when this is happening.
- Remember my wish about the Orchard of the Annes? Favorite person ever might come with me!
- Thanks to instinct plus miracles plus Bond Girl, I now have the most gorgeous pair of boots, at 60% off.
- Fantastic results from the Bitchy Boozy Secret Spy coaching day that I taught under-the-radar and with tricksiness.
- I did a thing that I never have to do again.
- Napping date. Napping. Date. NAPPING DATE!
- I kind of don’t want to mention this because of monster-fear about jinxing it, but I have had the most flawless skin ever for the past three weeks, and this is incredibly exciting.
- Making the call. I made the call. Not that kind of call. The other kind of call.
- Fearlessness. Not something I ever expected to experience, to be honest. But there it was.
WHAM BOOM! Operations completed this week:
The phrase Whoosh Ha Mastodon Boom is secret agent code that means: this op is done, baby! It is often shortened to WHAM boom.
Operation Rewrite the Protocols Wham boom!
Operation Fractal Flowers Wham boom!
Operation Set It Up Set It Up Wham boom!
What if Stan is not the agent?! Wham boom!
Whoosh Ha Mastodon Boom! Wham Boom! Wham Boom!
You may also shout (or whisper) other joyous words if you like.
Miracles!
Everywhere.
Superpowers!
A superpower I had this week…
Releasing attachment to outcome.
And a superpower I want next week.
Being the fountain.
Proxy of the week.
Starboard, not port.
Typos of the week, freudian or otherwise.
Love you, autocorrect. You speak a creepy truth.
- Song me to sleep!
Salve of the week. Yours if you want it.
This salve invisibly softens emotional (and all forms of) scar tissue and rebuilds it as something new: a radiant protective boundary that knows about newness.
It gives you that “everything is better now” feeling, a little bit like when you give a kindergartener a bandaid that looks like balloons.
These salves can’t be seen, but the production factory has delivered enough to me to distribute by way of the magic of the internet, so help yourself. There is enough.
Playing live at the meme beach house — the Fake Band of the Week!
Background. Ez and I make up bands. Stu (retired Bolshevik-fearing voice-to-text software) once invented hanging out at the Meme Beach House“. It’s just one guy.
Ambivalent French Clown.
They sound kind of like you’d expect. And of course, it’s just one guy.
Thank you, Richard.
Hallo Hallo! I am saying Hallo Hallo. Announcement time.
Picture me wearing that crazy hat…
Announcements coming soon.
In the meantime, I’ll say it again. The Monster Manual & Coloring Book. I live by this, and it’s why the mysteries and challenges of the week don’t get me down.
That’s it for me …
Join my Friday ritual in the comments if you feel like it. Or call silent retreat!
We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. And we don’t give advice (unless people specifically ask for it).
Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.
Shabbat shalom.
p.s. It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — join in whenever (or not) and it’s no big deal.
Yes! I want some salve! I want to soften emotional scar tissue and I want the radiant protective boundary of newness.
Taking in the “everything is better now” feeling.
Thank you!
I love the salves of the week and so far this might be my favourite. Also interesting food for thought.
The hard
It’s still freezing cold. Easter is colder than Christmas! WTF?
The cold, the grey, the lack of sunshine are now seriously beginning to get to me. I’m also now so pale that even my super-pale foundation that I had to buy online is a bit too orangey. I need warmth and sunshine!
Heater headaches.
Stupid people.
Disturbed sleep.
Feeling ridiculously tired and apathetic and grumpy.
Transitions! Even when they’re want I want, scary and stuff-inducing.
Someone I work with asking me out, me not wanting to go out with him, all the awkward.
One of those moments of where spending time with someone left me thinking ‘I love you, but right now, I really don’t like you very much’.
Someone ripping apart my work in my earshot but without actually saying it to my face.
Dissension at the workplace, including infighting and guiltifying comments.
The Good
Visited a delicious and delightful cafe this afternoon with my mama. Nom!
Movement happening on the giant projects! Even if it’s teeny tiny steps it still counts. 🙂
Belly dance!
Really, really enjoy being single.
And also enjoy some silly flirting.
Amazing tea on Wednesday!
Kitties being adorable.
{Ok, note to self, only writing this do I realise that this week has been hard! No wonder I’m feeling a bit ragged.}
What worked
Going out for tea and noms this afternoon. Which was also: realising when something isn’t working and changing it, not forcing myself to stick to my plan for the week.
Dancing!
Remembering the guiltifying is their stuff!
What I might try next time
Remembering that I don’t need to explain myself when people make passive-aggreesive or just plain rude comments.
Happy chocolate eating chickeners! 😉
Today, my chicken feels like an ungainly thing, finding its feet. I’m not sure why, but it’s all okay.
What worked? Conscious entry. Buffers. Transitions. Proxies. Sleep! Oh, and lightness. Definitely that.
Next time…I’d like to spend more time in my studio, not necessarily doing much of anything, just being there.
Mysterious: The Wizard has a new job, and of course this is delightful as well as mysterious! But right now it feels mostly mysterious. The job is in South Carolina, about a ten hour drive from where we live now. He starts Monday, and will be staying with my mother until the rest of our household can join him. This will take at least three months because of loose ends, and quite possibly a good bit longer than that because of selling and buying and packing and moving, and even more mysterious things like underwater mortgages and credit issues. Step by step, we will make our journey. Mystery. It’s a helpful concept.
Delightful: The Wizard has a new job! Relief! Also, being a slightly bitchy-boozy secret agent was marvelous and rich. Is marvelous and rich.
Previously on Superpowers: The astonishing power of quiet.
Next week on Superpowers: The power to turn blank pages into magical realms.
P.S. Thank you for the salve. I love it.
Cheers, Chickeneers!
Yay to my week of all sorts of Goodness.
– baking a pie
– getting an interesting job offer
– naps
– social time
– starting to feel rested
– inexplicably fortuitous opportunities
– bought new throw pillows (on clearance!)
Yay! FLAWLESS SKIN! May it continue.
I too shall risk jinxing something, but it’s partly an illusion, so here it is: I have these shorts. These yoga shorts. From that company; you know which one. I just got them. OMG. People always say this company makes yoga pants that make miracles out of your ordinary behind, and it’s true. I feel like Serena Williams in these shorts.
You know: like Serena Williams, minus all the trophies. But still.
Thanks for the salve! And for reminding me about Ambivalent French Clown. I think I have their first cd around here somewhere…
*shuddering in sympathy re suddenly rah-rah dance instructor*
@Max: Serena Williams shorts YAY. I loved the story I read earlier this week about her riding to her match on a bike because traffic was too jammed to get there on time any other way. And then her French beau chauffering her to a later match. 🙂
@Kathleen: Congratulations and safe travels to your household!
As for my week:
What worked?
* Going to the gardens
* Frying the fish
Next time?
* More cupcakes
* More layers
Vexing:
* Wasting time trying to save time
* Everything had iguana-face. Even things I normally enjoy dealing with.
Vexing and mysterious:
* Word and Chrome bugs. Especially ones doing their bugging an hour before sundown. Cripes!
* certain pockets of silence. Not sure if they are not-yet-replies or nonreplies. The mystery what might be expected of me vs. what might be kindest vs./and most sovereign.
Delightful:
* my poem about quantum bunnies is a Goodreads finalist
* studying and writing outside on a beautiful afternoon
* royalty check!
* my favorite 90-year-old urging me to visit more
* the satisfaction of solving stuffs
Superpowah in da haus: reorganizing
Superpowah I want: to move on from [alphabet soup]. To be okay with the time [alphabet soup] demands from me, and to dial back to a level I can be happy with when I am not okay with the demands.
With thanks for the salve, and warm wishes to all who wants ’em. Shabbat shalom (and chag sameach to those still observing/celebrating)!
This is the week that was:
Snow! More snow than we had all winter. Snow days! Everything canceled or rescheduled because of snow! Middle-of-the night shoveling because MrB might need to go to the ER, and it didn’t hurt my body nearly as much as I feared.
(Next year, well before the first snowfall, I want to make sure the firewood is stacked someplace where it will stay dry.)
That odd lighting effect that I only notice with late spring snows. It makes everything look strange and different, changes perspectives, illuminates everything. Metaphor?
Schedule and plans disrupted.
MrB’s health problems taking on new and troubling complications. What looked like a Perfect Simple Solution, found via the internet, turned out not to be a solution at all. More helpful people enlisted for his medical team.
Sleep weirdness.
I woke in the middle of the night with a really sore throat, went back to sleep, and when I woke again, it was okay. Spontaneous healing?
Leaving things unfinished: a bad habit, a pattern.
Another pattern, maybe related: not doing things that feel good, that I want to do, that would make me happy.
Work to do. On the patterns, on the things left unfinished, on MrB’s needs, and prep for the week to come.
Chickening around on a Sunday – cheers, all.
What Worked?
+ Pausing. But only when I really meant it. A too-brief pause that’s just a stop-over between A and B, but is really meant to be Just Hurry Up and Pause Already So We Can Get On To the Next Thing – not so helpful. Need to make a note of this.
Next time?
+ Set the notification sound on my phone to something louder than a soft beep and make sure it’s charged and ready to receive – just in case something awesome is happening.
Mysterious Challenges:
– Still with the too much to-do list, and no backup support crew to take on some of the chores. I keep hoping that this will get better on its own.
– Surprise tasks added to my to-do list
– Reading Freud and his anti-woman attitude.
Delightful Happenings:
+ Friday was partly a Putterday! I had errands to do, but they were entertaining things, like new yoga pants for spring and figuring out how to make a bolster out of duct tape, string, and a backpack. (It was a MacGyver sort of Putterday….)
+ Operation Glowing Radical Awesome Training Internal Treasures, Uniting Deliciousness Everywhere
is a GO and moving forward
+ Invitations from some of my favorite people to spend time together
+ Surprise visit from some of my other favorite people – Yay!
Magical Powers:
This week I had the magical quality of quietly noticing.
Next week, I’d like the magical ability for softly exploring.
Pots and Potions:
Oh, yes, thank you, I could use some extra emo-scar tissue salve. It will go with the heart-stretching exercised I keep meaning to start.
Cluck cluck week and a half chicken
Things I resisted:
– my body’s call to switch off the computer AND the subsequent internet hangover and tirednesses.
– my [person I care about]’s ?distance? quickly leading to…
– my perceptions of this person’s story of me. The story I perceived was painful, but also: haven’t I evolved beyond making stuff about me? Quickly leading to….
– self-judgement. I still have judgement for having it. Loop-de-loop in my head.
– people in my life perceiving (and commenting and acting out of the way they perceive) the world the way they always have. SO BORING and also I have pain about Why Can’t They SEE?? Why Won’t They LISTEN To Me?? (even though I don’t bother trying to correct their perceptions any more, their acting out of their confusion in ways that are painful to them is saddening and frustrating for me).
– the implications of Little Lad’s food aversion, which if it does not improve in the next couple of years may end up with him being fed via PEG tube, ie. plastic tube slicing through his perfect, whole, in-tact little body to deliver food directly to his stomach through the abdominal wall. Apparently this is the LESS invasive option to nasogastric feeding??????
– money shorter than I would prefer.
– what feels like a bad-taste joke: seeing Oh How Very Much BOTH My Husband And I Prefer To Be Separated. WHY THE FUGG DID WE TRY SO HARD TO STAY TOGETHER????????
Things I welcomed:
+ the superpower of Yay Regrets. I could consciously invoke it from time to time.
+ I am separating from the loop-de-loop in my head. I am separating from my perceptions more frequently. Yay mindfulness. Yay spaciousness. And the creative space in that spaciousness.
+ wow, I have an intuition and an imagination????? Er, okay.
+ words that flowed and then were loved. Yay.
+ my motherminding group. So wise.
+ a weekend away? For me?? *tears*
+ money not so short as all that really. This is temporary!
+ hey, we’re separated now! Er, yay divorce?? o_0
Cluck.
HARD
+getting sick, bleh
+sooooooooo tired
+Goodbye, adventure. (I was really looking forward to you, even though I’m sure I made the right choice in releasing you)
+[something i was super super looking forward to] getting canceled 🙁 🙁 🙁
+angst about [The Mop]
+feeling like [shhkkvvwwhh] has moved from fun to unhealthy-for-me territory
+not [getting very high on the rainbow ladder]
GOOD
+having to REST
+Secret Agent Thingy
+cooking and cooking and cooking!!
+Op: Aca-Dinner!
+reading How To Talk So Kids Will Listen… (aaaaaaaaahh this book is so great!!!)
+team octopi!
+vegan matzah ball soup, eeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!
+BAND BAND BAND BAND BAND
+reading: Art of Possibility (also so great!)
REMEMBERING
+I want to go through HTT… and list techniques to use. also i want to get its sequels.
+what if the way i am [in SPACE] is the way i am in life? (see notes at 3/27)
+S L O W Button
+I Already Have An A
STUFF THAT WORKED WELL
+adding Exit Plans to the tails of Entry Playgrounds
+Living In
+turning mundane iguanas into magical adventures
+adding [the tools] to journaling
+the days when i did Sparklepoints
SUPERPOWERS I USED
+Superpower of Food Alchemy
+Superpower of Welcoming
+Superpower of Disembarking
+Superpower of Birthing
SUPERPOWERS I INVOKE
+Superpower of Tingly Chords
+Superpower of SOLID Entry
+Superpower of Justtherightamountness
+Superpower of Right Rhythms
Heart-sighs. LOVE the salve of the week!
what worked: Lists. SuperPowers of All Timing is Right, Nothing is Wrong, Trusting my Instincts. Finding unexpected support in places. I’m not alone.
next time: more movement and earlier bedtime.
The suck:
You know life has been pretty damn good lately and the husband and I are doing SO much better and all. And then the ExHusband pulls an Egregiously Vile and Stupid stunt. Cops call me at 9AM on saturday to please pick up my child from his house IN A BLIZZARD because he has:
-been drinking all night and threatening suicide to his GF. With my child asleep upstairs. Then GF calls cops and when they arrive
-he is practcially comatose and being carted off to Detox and a 72hour psych hold
-and my daughter keeps asking, is daddy okay? when can i see him again?
-after she tells me he has been feeding her goldfish crackers and toast for dinner the last several times she’s been there, and instrcuting her to LIE TO ME about what goes on over there. RAGE.
All subsequent sucks are minimal compared to this. But the very early flight to Florida with the kids was stressful and not elegant.
Also I am fat and i hate the way i look most fo the time.
The sparkle:
-i have so many awesome new Mapmaking tools, that Saturday’s HellMission was done with steady hands and steel nerves. “Don’t worry, sweetheart, this just means Daddy is getting the help he needs.”
-a great week at work. SO much more productive and effocoent these days. Happy for this!
-I got a RAISE!!!
-my coven, my family, my Consortium of SisterWomen all rallying around to help and support me and the kid
-miami! i like visiting more than I ever liked living here. No stress with my mom, new sneakers and underpants
-a free exercise class at ornage Theory that I was so worried about and then realizing, Dude I can TOTALLY do this. The yoga, Flail and pilates HAS increased my strength and endurance, enough that i can keep up with a workout that would have made me vomit a year ago.
-a Sad Distance between me and my Bestie, dissolved with love and joy and honesty.
-possibilities for pleasure and love, that even a month ago seemed like Science fiction.