Where I cover the good and the hard in my week, visiting the non-preachy side of ritual and self-reflection.
And you get to join in if you feel like it.
Internet was down in Portal-land, so this Friday Chicken squeaks in at the end of a west coast Friday, making it practically a Saturday Chicken. (Certainly for all y’all on the east coast and in Europe, though I assume everyone in Australia thinks of it as a Sunday chicken?)
We’re here. Breathing and welcoming. Goodbye, week. Hello, weekend and new week to come. Let’s do it.
What worked?
Not doing.
Taking it to Mt. Tabor.
Taking it to the trees.
Taking it into extra-silent silent retreat.
Next time I might…
Make room for nap.
Make way for ducklings!
This is how I want to make room for nap.
The hard, challenging and mysterious.
- Letting things change shape.
- Surrender.
- Too many things, not enough time for the things.
- Recovering from now, recovering from then.
- Knowing what I want, not knowing how to make it a priority with all the other things.
- Tetris in my head, where do all the things go, how do they land, how do I let them land.
- Missing friends.
- Frustration with things beyond my control.
- Delayed-reaction panicking. All the things that have been my biggest worries for the past three months or so got resolved this week thanks to a realization during my 40 Hour Extra-Silent Silent Retreat. So, hahahaha, I expected to feel pretty relieved this week. Instead my body decided to process all the fear that it didn’t let me feel while the scary stuff was happening. Plus some extra fear from THEN. It was good for me, and it was also a hugely time-consuming uncomfortable pain in the ass..
The good, delight-filled and sweet.
- Letting things change shape.
- Surrender.
- Mt. Tabor.
- Heat. Heat. Heat.
- The bus that was not my bus is now my bus, pretty great.
- An epiphany about the Tetris thing.
- Thought-provoking, image-provoking, idea-provoking conversation with Ben.
- Letting decisions-that-have-already-been-made reveal themselves to me instead of trying to figure out what to decide..
- The 40 Hour Extra-Silent Silent retreat over the weekend with the just-right fellow Agent at Stompopolis. Amazing. Even more amazing than I thought it would be.
- Understanding something that I hadn’t understood before.
- Saying what I want.
- Friends.
- Finding freedom inside the frustration.
- Finding the good inside of the hard, the seed kernel of ah yes.
- This is right.
- Wanting to write, all the time.
- I was able to make peace with a thing that is changing shape. Not in a resigned way, in a joyful sweet way.
Superpowers!
A superpower I had this week…
The superpower of recognizing distortion masquerading as reality.
And a superpower I want next week.
The superpower of remembering that this thing that is currently driving me crazy is going to end up being so beautiful and I will cry grateful tears about what a gift it was, so let me just pause-pause-pause and figure out what might possibly be good about something that looks like a setback.
Playing live at the meme beach house — the Fake Band of the Week!
Background. Ez and I make up bands. Stu (retired Bolshevik-fearing voice-to-text software) once invented hanging out at the Meme Beach House“. It’s just one guy.
I think we’re going to have to go with:
Delayed Reaction Panicking.
Because if it’s not a band, it should be.
I think this is another punk-metal group with some new wave influences. They are loud and chaotic and funnier than you’d think, given the name.
And yes, it is most definitely just one guy.
Hallo Hallo! I am saying Hallo Hallo. Announcement time.
The Sail of Emptying is still happening, though not for much longer.
So get the stuff from the shop that is disappearing before it disappears.
(The stuff, not the shop. The shop will still be there…)
That’s it for me …
Join my Friday ritual in the comments if you feel like it. Or call silent retreat!
We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. And we don’t give advice (unless people specifically ask for it).
Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.
Shabbat shalom.
p.s. It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — join in whenever (or not) and it’s no big deal.
Follow
Cluck cluck cluck, chicken!
Hard, mysterious, challenging…
Messssss
Relatively speaking. Things, in my space, not having a proper home. Holding on to them (just in case). Places I am afraid to open (in my own home) because of the shame of not having sorted the things lurking around along with the things.
Winter
Also it is cold and wet and winter has begun and I cannot open windows and there is a bit of hanging-about-ness in the air. I might have to grow some boobies and put a jacket and scarf on and open the windows anyway to get some freshness back. Ack, I am such a reptile, I do not like the cold.
Forcefielding, turning it over, releasing, emptying
It is easy to blame people for ‘getting under your skin’, because it certainly feels like they’re happening TO you, even when they’re not. Reconfiguring the relative importance of these people and what they do, reconfiguring the meaning you have attached to these phenomena. Hmmm, treeeecky.
Oh, shame. You again.
Generalised, low-grade, chronic. Comparisonitis, the most pointless and unhelpful of diseases. Data is suggesting this filter comes up when the body is tired, which means my hypothesis that it’s mostly habitual rather than needing much ACTUAL destuckifying is gaining traction.
Resistance to change. At a cellular level.
This is normal and to be expected. And I kind of understand it and even have a metaphor for it. But I still find it annoying to go through. It is *just* my cells resistance to changing shape. Of course there is a sensation of tension!
Ack, brain calendar, you do not work
Forgot this, forgot that, probably forgetting another thing right now.
I have a clearer understanding of why/how I run the patterns I do, and I do not like it, which is another pattern I have
Self-knowledge, sometimes you …make it hard for me to like me.
Judgey, judgey, judgey
Mostly self-directed. Blah.
Tired
Staying up laaaaaaaaate. Gorging on epic stories in audio and hollywood format instead of going to bed night after night. 6am wake-up calls and nursing demands do not change however. Nuff said.
Afraid of support, very afraid of asking for support
Yes. Both of these.
Doubt
Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaah. I am afraid to hope. I am afraid to investigate in case it becomes clear that it is impossible. Therefore my head is still stuck determinedly in the sand and that leaves my arse in the air, which is decidedly awkward and kind of asking for it…. I maaaay decide it is more uncomfortable dealing with it by not dealing with it than it is going to be just ACTUALLY dealing with it, someday soon. You never know!
Goodbye, goodbye, hard-appearing things that it is a little mysterious how you were right (although not that mysterious but yes, a bit annoying, yes indeed) goodbye. Thank you for being over and done and gone and finished. Thank you.
Good, easy and delightfully welcome
Four qualities
* JuicyGlowHum
* PleasureSimplicityLuxury
* BlissFlow
* Welcome
Oh yes, let everything in my life move in the direction of these four qualities, oh yes!
Being circle, mothermind group, floop, mama’s comfort camp…
I have many safe spaces to bring myself even in the midst of self-judgement, shame blah. It helps to have people to hold the beliefs about me (like hey, I’m okay!) when I’ve got monster crap up in my grille. <–grille: I am hilarious.
Jimmy and Indigo arrived from Portal-land
I didn’t know it would be them but it was, and they are lovely and squooshy and infused with energy of a loving, delightful, playful and pleasurable kind. 3 <3
Everything. Really, everything is good and fine and okay and workable and moving. Thank gawd!
Yes, this is also true.
It is indicated
After a week of body indicated rest from a recent riot grrrl goal to GET STRONG IMMEDIATELY RAAAHHRR training program, and then four days lost to lost momentum, I just started training again except this time without raaahrr just hhmmmhhmmmm yes this is what I do hhmmmmmhhhmmmmm not to achieve just because it is indicated.
Then last night it was indicated that I should sleep at 8pm. And tonight looks like it is indicated that I should sleep at 9.30ish.
I am getting messages from my body and …. wha??? I am … following them???!!!??! This is new. JuicyGlowHum may be within reach someday.
Ah, week, that will do. Thankyou thankyou everything that was good and easy and delightfully welcome.
Love love love xoxoxoxox
Contributing to the emptying by buying all the stuff that’s disappearing.
Thank you!
@Claire — “Afraid of support, very afraid of asking for support” — so much resonance!
Well, this has been a week. And it’s done, whether I am done with it or not.
I can’t be done with it — there are too many things I planned to do this week that I haven’t done yet.
I’m glad to be done with it — there were *things* this week. The down side of being done with it is that there will be things next week too….
So much hard, around MrB’s needs. Friend who offered help and then back out.
Feeling pressured (!) to take care of myself. Everyone thinks they know what I need, even though it isn’t what I need.
Noisy environment where it’s usually quiet.
The Butler took Memorial Day off. Which is okay; he gets to have holidays, but that means it’s been two weeks since the house was really clean.
Rain making lush growth of weeds in my yard. Sigh. I ought to call someone. So much rain that I’m afraid to look in the basement.
Coffee frapp — energy indulgence.
shakin’ my tail feathers…
walkin’ on sunshine
+a beautiful weather-week in Seattle – some rain, good sun, and not too hot. yay!
+more decisions about emptying in the possessions-stuff area
+an accidental quick-push-it-that-way revealed the perfect furniture arrangement
+Niece and Blue touched down safely in Bolivia
tell me that i’m dreaming
-o- temporary overload at the gig that mgmt sees and is actually doing something about. Must move *through* but it will be solved and all is (will be) good or better
stuck in the middle with you
^ oh pattern, I see you. I love and hate you so.
gimme shelter
-Niece’s long, difficult, and scary landing in Bolivia
-AvoidanceMonster leading the way on [silent retreat]
-forcefield malfunctions
I am doing a color-coded Chicken today! In code! With colors!
What worked? Turquoise.
Next time I might… Pink.
Hard stuff: Aubergine and taupe.
Good stuff: Azure and white. Lemon and lime, with just a hint of orange.
This week’s superpower: Chameleon.
Next week’s superpower: Rainbow prism.
Wishing you all peaceful weekends…
What worked?
* not feeding the troll
* asking questions
What to try next?
* asking more questions
* speaking less
Hard, challenging, mysterious
* fear of having said too much
* fear of letting others down
* encountering trolls
* sexism
* things I want not yet within my means
Good, delight-filled, sweet
* a lane all to myself while swimming
* getting back to yoga
* the bean plants are looking good
* tasting a spectacular sparkling wine (the Lunaris Secco)
* Now is not Then. I am getting significantly more sleep than Then.
Superpower I have: listening to my body
Wanted: super-filters
Flowers and warm wishes to all who wants ’em.
Sunday Chicken!
What Worked: Packing a bag and driving north. That always works.
Challenging Mysteries:
The brakes. That kind of gave up as we got back home. Was it the driving and elevation change and heat that magically fixed overnight? Or will it require a tow truck?
The Aloneness.
Delights.
A lovely day for a hike. A mountain view. Sitting on a steep ski slope in the middle of summer. Sleeping in my own bed.
Wonderful new clients this week. This month. So so grateful.
Just went to visit the car and drove it around the block. Brakes work. Delighted. Will still drop it off in the morning for check up.
House is in need of cleaning. Yes, this is a delight. Order from chaos.
Mmmmmm, sigh. Sending love.
Wishing SO MUCH SO MUCH SO MUCH that I were at Rally right now.
Asking for some of your next week’s Superpower, though. Exactly. Well, I will take a double helping though.
<3 <3 <3 to all the Chickeneers…
Oh, Claire, I hear you about the mess! It cripples me, and yet I’m totally prone to it. So mysterious, and not in the fun Sherlock-y way.
What worked this week:
• Following the rabbit hole. It was always right.
• Asking for what I want.
• Super-secret hush-hush winking-nodding spy ops.
• Doing what felt wildly appealing. What a thrill!
• Mornings for work, afternoons for play.
• Weekends for me, not for anyone else.
• Making my space more inviting.
What I might try differently next time:
• Try doing just one thing.
• Create better time containers. Avoiding spillage better.
• More breaks, more tea, more food.
• More consistency with getting work stuff done so I can play later.
The hard:
• People staring. Commenting on what I do when I think I’m unobserved. Wanting to be invisible, and not having it. Don’t look at me, don’t look at me, don’t look at me.
• Frustrating lack of knowledge. Trying to learn, getting nowhere.
• Mess. Boxes of inventory everywhere, and nowhere to put them that doesn’t feel temporary or jerry-rigged. Forgetting about all the temporary solutions I rigged last time = CAN’T FIND ANYTHING WHEN I NEED IT.
• Being a busty gal when clothes aren’t built for busty gals. Idly wished for surgery for the 5,439,314th time.
• Having to ask for help on something particularly mortifying. Not sure what response I’ll get. Asking for help is the hardest thing for me anyway, but this feels even worse.
The good:
• VICTORY LAP FRIDAY! YES!
• I asked for what I want, and I got it. Including planting a very important seed.
• I fit into that old dress I love again! Yay!
• The Tailor was publicly recognized in a huge way; so proud.
• Crossed off so many things from the launch.
• Waged war on the mess, and won a few battles.
• SO much tangibly closer to LAUNCH!
Wishing a beautifully-feathered Sunday chicken and huge bouquets of flowers to you all!
Make way for ducklings!! I love that book so, so much.
Ducklings make everything better.
The hard and the puzzling:
– For some reason, people interpreted everything I said this week completely literally. I’m someone who runs on flow and context and momentum. The endless backtracking and explaining had me tearing my hair out.
– My favourite person wasn’t at yoga, and I realized that she is part of the reason I go every week.
– Someone’s teaching style did not mesh with my learning style and I felt disappointed.
– Wanting ALL the things, and not having the money to make that happen right now.
– Letting my canoe be swamped by other people’s stuff. Argh, this pattern.
– Realizing the distance between how I want to feel in my life and how I currently feel.
The fun and the exciting:
– I love my new job! Creativity! Agency! Writing all the time. So, so grateful for this.
– After yoga the other day, my body was purring. Such an awesome feeling.
– The dog and I went walking every single day this week.
– My household had a board game and shrimp dumplings night.
Happy chickening to all!