Where I cover the good and the hard in my week, visiting the non-preachy side of ritual and self-reflection.
And you get to join in if you feel like it.
This week had a funny shape to it.
Work days had elements of vacation, weekend was full of work. And now suddenly we’re here. Hello. Deep breath. Friday. I’m here.
What worked?
Committing to the elements without being married to the timing.
I had to move a meeting to Fake Beach Day, which meant that Fake Beach Day couldn’t happen.
So I made a clear commitment to giving myself the elements of Fake Beach Day all week.
And then I invited myself to go strawberry picking on Toozday with Roller Eclipse and Draggin Lady, and we ended up spending a lovely two hours on the beach. So there. Fake Beach Day happened anyway, and on an actual beach.
The word release.
This week had some sad goodbyes but my focus was on the experience of letting go, and that made everything sweeter.
Companionship.
Usually my yoga happens alone, but this week I shared it with Agent X from the other Agency. This was really lovely.
Next time I might…
Ask for company.
So much letting go right now.
Sometimes it’s just easier when someone else is there.
Remove myself from the situation.
Sometimes when someone else is in their stuff, it is easier to back off and breathe so that you can offer them loving steadiness, instead of jumping in and ending up in your stuff.
That is a note for myself.
The hard, challenging and mysterious.
- Still more emptying.
- Tetris: everything is moving.
- Too many moving parts
- I want to play in the park and walk in the sun, not work! Wah!
- A number so low that it should not even exist, other than as a theoretical concept for mathematicians to enjoy.
- I have three options and I prefer #3, but I think I might end up with #2.
- Sometimes not-working requires a lot of work.
- How did June get to be so full so fast?
- I want more time to play.
- Too much social.
- Oh, hormones. Are we still doing this?
- Seeing just how much these roots need nourishing.
- A disagreement-misunderstanding that needed to take its sweet time to untangle…
The good, reassuring and delights.
- EMPTYING. I’m kind of getting good at this.
- Operation Tetris is getting to be more fun. A lot more fun. Creative and freeing. Plus I now have a gorgeous mahogany dresser.
- Svevo was here! Svevo is my favorite person in the entire world, and he came for THREE WHOLE DAYS, and it was wonderful.
- Svevo and I spent two and a half hours playing in the park and doing yoga on all the playground equipment. Then we napped in the grass and the trees shared some secrets with me. I suspect it was because Svevo was there.
- Ruckus Instigator! Best nickname ever. Thank you, playmate, for bestowing it on me.
- My cousin Noah is turning out to be way more fun than I ever gave him credit for. We are co-conspirators in the best secret missions right now.
- Treehouse time.
- London Brawlin came to town to take on Wheels of Justice. It was a messy, messy bout, but fascinating to watch. And we won. So there was that.
- Strawberry picking. On Sauvie Island and in my own garden.
- Monsieur LeBlanc of the Other Agency and I had more fun this week than should be allowed. Our missions are vital and glamorous and hilarious.
- Long, slow yoga in Stompopolis every day.
- I wore short shorts in public. Take that, debilitating premenstrual body dysmorphia! You didn’t work on me this month.
- Meeting with Hope.
- I knew about Option 1 and I didn’t love it. Now I know about Option 2 and Option 3, and I am very, very excited. Especially about Option 3, but mostly about the idea that now that I have let go of the thing I thought I wanted, perfect simple solutions are showing themselves.
- Richard is the greatest friend and accomplice I could ask for. I felt appreciative of that this week.
- Happy.
Superpowers!
A superpower I had this week…
The superpower of finding the good.
And also the superpower of knowing that the missed bus was not my bus.
And a superpower I want next week.
The superpower of trusting that silence and a loving smile is both a sufficient response and a good one.
Salve.
This week’s salve is the salve of things that didn’t make sense before are clear now. When you put it on, suddenly you know why you bought that purple sweater, and you love yourself for having done it instead of wondering what was wrong with you.
This salve smells a bit of clove and mystery.
Sometimes the things that didn’t make sense are clear and you don’t know why they’re clear, you just feel better about everything. And sometimes you see how all the pieces fit together. It is a very comforting salve.
These salves can’t be seen, but the production factory has delivered enough to me to distribute by way of the magic of the internet, so help yourself. There is enough.
Playing live at the meme beach house — the Fake Band of the Week!
Background. Ez and I make up bands. Stu (retired Bolshevik-fearing voice-to-text software) once invented hanging out at the Meme Beach House“. It’s just one guy.
This week’s band is:
Renewable Wow
Light, fun, pop. They sound like bubblegum.
And it’s actually just one guy.
Hallo Hallo! I am saying Hallo Hallo. ANNOUNCEMENT.
The Sail of Emptying. We’re dropping five products from the online store. They’re available through the 11th, which is really soon, and then they’re gone.
That’s it for me …
Join my Friday ritual in the comments if you feel like it. Or call silent retreat!
We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. And we don’t give advice (unless people specifically ask for it).
Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.
Shabbat shalom.
p.s. It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — join in whenever (or not) and it’s no big deal.
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Emptying is kind of the thing of the week, probably of the month, possibly of this whole summer. Needing to empty, working at emptying, learning to empty. It can go in every category below.
What worked:
Slow goodbyes. Exiting.
Making my bed.
Next time I might:
Remember my toolbox, and throw everything at the problem! Especially force fielding. Outside. It’s really hard to force field in here, there’s so much stuck.
The hard, challenging, and mysterious:
Being mired in stuck. My stuck, other people’s stuck. Basically where I’m living this summer is stuck-central, and it gets hard to breathe, and I don’t know how to cope with so much stuck.
Saying goodbye to what was my life for the last three years.
Acknowledging what I thought had been laid to rest.
Middle-of-the-night anger-anxiety sessions. Solutions so difficult to see.
The good, reassuring, and delights:
The opportunity for slow sweet goodbyes. Goodbye Novel Dates at Bucer’s, green gold-studded chairs, cake, Latin, medieval pictures. Goodbye fish in your tank.
Bonding with friends even at the end.
Long stretches of beautiful highway and a good audiobook.
Twitter conversations.
Trees! So much green! So much life!
Superpowers!
I didn’t consciously invoke any superpowers this week. So for today and the coming week I invoke the Superpower of Destuckification. The Superpower of Release.
Release release release. Empty empty empty.
The hard, challenging and mysterious:
– Realizing HOW MUCH I have been burning the candle at both ends over the past then months.
– Melting into floods of tears when amazing osteopath spot on mentioned three of my MAJOR issues.
– Starting weekend with a runny nose when for the first time this year we have summer.
The good, reassuring and delights:
– Finding an osteopath who does extraordinary cranio-sacral work and who I trust
– Brother-in-law’s wedding – so much dancing.
– Getting my summer clothes out.
– The view from the balcony from our new place.
– First free Sunday in 3 months coming up, I can have a hermit day!!!
– Work
The hard has been hard, challenging, and mysterious. The most mysterious thing is how to handle the hard. Sigh.
MrB’s continuing problems, esp. the latest diagnosis. Family and friends in their stuff about it, and I have stuff about them being in their stuff.
So much of my time going to this new thing this week.
A drop-out day where I did little but sleep, except when I had to take him to physical therapy. We need to set up a structure and a schedule for him, and one of the biggest obstacles to that is going to be getting ME on a schedule.
The good has been good.
Having a diagnosis is better than not knowing what we are dealing with.
There are a lot of resources available, including the medical school library where I can dig deeply into the topic.
My sister C’s response was the most affirming, and talking with my friend J gave me better understanding of what I already know and need to do.
I managed to WHAM Boom a bunch of things this week, and called “Yay, Trucks” on other things where I’m waiting for people to get back to me, or where I have an appointment set up. Lots of movement on things that need to be moved on.
Op Bins is underway. The Butler and I did step 1 on Monday, and today (Friday) MrB and I began working simultaneously, me on step 2 and him on step 3. We called a break after about an hour of hard work. “Yay, Trucks!”
I set up a tentative schedule for us and he signed off on it.
We’ve had several beautiful sunny days with comfortable temperatures, and I am loving it.
Oh week. A soggy chicken. A sad chicken.
What worked. Crying. Getting the mail. Opening the mail. Crying again. But at least with opened mail and phone calls made.
The Hard.
Everything.
Things that I thought were arriving have not. Things that I thought were better are not.
Money and there not being enough. Not even close.
Opportunities that I wanted and pursued disappearing. Submissions rejected. Resumes ignored.
Can’t find the belief that things get better.
The Good.
Not actually falling apart.
The cat, who needs me to be here in the morning with kibbles and mash.
Grief is exhausting, which makes taking to bed with a book and hopefully a live-tweeted hockey game perfectly acceptable at 7:30pm.
Knowing that other people can believe that things get better until I can remember again.
Thanks for the salve, such a just-right salve for now. I am rubbing it in gently to sore places. You can eat it, too, right?
Where did Friday come from? This week went by extra-fast.
@seagirl Hand-on-heart sigh. Sending you some strength and sparkles in a jar, which will arrive the moment you wish for them.
What worked?
Forward momentum. Staying committed to moving forward no matter what. Surfing on the waves, falling off and then climbing back on.
Admitting to reality. Not liking it, and knowing it can’t stay this way, but taking even the tiniest turtle-step towards accepting limitations and adjusting expectations.
Letting the cloudbursts happen, without tying myself up in knots about the whys and wherefores of emotional weather patterns.
Next time I might:
Go deeper into surfing. Wave in, wave out, balance and flail.
Practice even more [radical acceptance] <– need a proxy, because this phrase makes me shudder!
Getting to the music sooner.
The hard and the puzzling:
– Everyone else at Day Job was in their stuff about something, and I got taken to task over a paperwork issue I had no control over, and in the end the "something" turned out just fine and all the drama was for nothing.
– Encountering a huge cloud of grief about someone who no longer exists.
– Grief and anger about expectations with [x], and some of my conclusions were hard to swallow
– Upsetting news from home.
– Feeling vulnerable and not qualified to be in my life.
– Angry that other people's miscommunications end up having negative consequences for me
The good and delightful:
– Lots of sun and walking the dog
– The puppy turned a year old!! Not so little anymore…
– New job is fantastic and interesting and challenging and low-stress
– I met the Ex O and she is soooo efficient and practical. She solved four of my problems in half the time I thought it would take
– Accepting reality means I can now do more with what I have
– The grief is easier to bear when it's moving, and music and tears helped that process
Happy weekend chickeneers!
cluck cluck cluck bkark!
Hard, challenging, mysterious, etc
Time. It is the funniest thing. (Funny weird, not necessarily funny haha)
Hours that went by incredibly slowly in and of themselves, but then packed together into a ‘day’ went crazy fast. Feeling not quite ready for the moment although the moment had arrived quite a lot.
Hermitude
Actually, no, hermitude was fine, questioning my hermitude, needing to find the reason, the meeeeeaning, the deep psychological PATHOLOGY behind it… (and self-judgement for feeling the need for these things) was harder.
Parenthood
It is intense. I find it intense. And demanding. And draining to the part of me that vonts to be alooorrnne. Because veing aloorne is a rare occasion in my life at the moment.
Money
Maybe what I’m doing is enough. And I can adjust my life to fit the income that I have right now and be fine with that. But I really would like to undertake Operation XXXXX next year and I am afraid to decide to do it because I am afraid of what I would have to do to make it happen. So…. lots of fear and making-money-stuck and lalalalalapikeletshmmmhhmmmm.
Good, delightful, easy, reassuring, wonderful
Period drama
Miss Austen, you are maaaahvellous. Mr Forster, I adore you. Merchant Ivory et al, I thaaaaank you. My story fetish continues. (Also MAJOR crush on Romola Garai).
Angels
I have some. (I decided this a while ago, it helps me trust that This Is Right. Oh, this weird thing happened what does it meeeeeean? Is this good? Maybe it’s bad?? No, it’s good. Who cares what it means, the angels organised it so therefore it’s all for the good. What are you going to do with it? Oh, er, right, yes. Angels. Thank you angels.) (Like that). Anyway, sometimes they send me INCREDIBLY CLEAR MESSAGES TO SAY YES CLAIRE KEEP GOING THIS IS RIGHT YOU ARE ON EXACTLY THE RIGHT TRACK and that is a bit weird but great. Love my angels.
Friends
I am astonished by the variety and depth of my relationships with a bunch of women around the globe who fit a word between friend and idealslasharchetypeofsister. Like, they’re just THERE. Steady, constant, glowing, supportive, bullshit calling, believing, loving. Brene Brown says it’s a myth that you have more than two or three people in your life you can contact in the midst of a shame-storm. I have, like, seven. For reeeealz. Beyond jackpot. (Thank you angels!)
Little Lad
School transition has been seamless. Support provided by our successful funding application has been perfect. He writes and reads and colours in and does maths FOR FUN on the weekends. (Also I note how petulantly and stubbornly he declines to use his tools (‘not a hammer, not that kind of tool, EMOTIONAL tools mummy!’) to stay calm when things get frustrating. He is JUST LIKE ME! Aahahahahaha *eye-roll* <3 )
Kick-My-Arse-And-Call-Me-Grateful
Wonderbaby might be a little bit gifted. She is so freaking smart and ahead of the average developmental milestones I’m starting to think she’s been hit with the special stick too, just the other end of it. Oyyy.
Mindful of my patterns
The observation of my patterns and thoughts is getting more habitual. And this in and of itself is a big pattern interrupt. So, go me. Progress. (Like, I am noticing my habitual inner-perfectionist thought ‘oooh, but not MUCH progress’ which is just annoying and actually also bullshit because it’s huge progress thank you very much, and also the habitual self-judgement/perfectionist thought ‘ooooh, you’re still not very good at loving kindness ARE YOU?’). And all of that runs through me without actually disturbing my emotional state too much at all. Aaahhh, clouds across the starry sky blah blah blah thinking blah thank you mind clouds hmmm hmmmm clouds got in my way…..
Good night, chicken peeps. xoxoxoxo
Wow. Chickening. I remember that. Now much easier due to laptop access!
What worked?
Massage Mondays and Hot Springs Thursdays.
Right timing and going with the flow.
Releasing forms when I don’t need them in the moment. I can always come back to them.
The Superpower of Inhale and Exhale.
What might I try?
More reminders. More slowness. More permission.
But honestly, I don’t think there was a lot more that I could have done this week. I did a fantastic job. All the points!
The Hard:
-Dayjob. As close to total burnout as I can remember being.
-Also feeling like there’s something wrong with me, because Everyone Else Can Deal With It, So Why Are You So Special
-Plus this week I was sensitive to everything. Felt like I had no energy boundaries at all, at times. This resulted in moments at work when I felt like curling up into a ball on the floor, which I can’t really do at my job.
-I wanted to look over the wall on Monday, and here it is Saturday, and I still do not know what is on the other side of the wall, and I can’t try to look again until next Monday.
-All the pain and stuckness associated with that.
-It jumped from pretty warm to triple-digits. Ugh.
-Physical pain, and the pain that comes from dealing or not dealing with it.
-I haven’t entered/processed June yet the way I want to/think I should and I’m judging myself
-Moments of fear of what-am-I-doing/supposed-to-be-doing-with-my-life
The Good:
+Arrested Development new episodes!!!
+I have survived almost the entire school year. 5 more days!!!!!!!
+Friday we had Field Day, which changed craziness into fun! Lots of play time, with balls, outside, with bubbles, and with water. Giggles all around!
+Emptying and more emptying. Taking a paws to find out if Now Is The Right Time For X. Not stressing about when the right time is, if it’s not right now.
+I finished my mosaic! Such a relief.
+I’m kind of not ashamed of my life right now! That’s new.
+Also apparently in the last few months I have become a lot more courageous, and confident, and probably some other things I haven’t picked up on yet.
+Airplane mode
+Last Friday Night…
+Hope
+Plans to go to the ocean
+Friend time, and a delightfully unexpected phone call from B who just wanted to say she loved and missed me!
Gratefully accepting the salve.
I am gratefully applying my salve, and lighting my candle, and taking a smiling silent retreat in the company of all you lovely Chickeneers. *humming softly*
@seagirl: I am sitting with you in silence.
@Sarah, thank you. I took the jar of strength and sparkles and it is good. And kind of like a snow globe.
@Elizabeth, thank you, too.
And taking a little bit of the salve, too.
This week I found out mini workouts take the edge off. And actually become a bit fun after a while.
Still hard. Not as hard as before, but I’ve lost some of my energy so even though it’s easier, it’s still hard.
Study shenanigans. Not out of high school yet. Should never have gone back. Five months left, then it’s all over, forever, and I never have to deal with it again. Wish I’d done something different instead of gone back. But regret is not for me, so I won’t regret, and I needed to learn some lessons anyway.
Music. I need a lot more new music but I’ve been steadily adding to my collection.
A bit of organisation. Sat down, attacked my todo list for the next few months. Less thinking, more organising, more chipping away when I don’t have energy.
Still no energy. Exercising, eating better, little more energy but never enough. Always tired.
Found some answers, and some forgiveness, and some understanding.
Wish I could find some advice on dealing with my borderline mother that isn’t “run away”, because that is not helpful, at all, and I’m not angry at her. I want to work with her, not fight against her, and all the advice I can find is always “fight, she’s an enemy.” She’s not an enemy. She’s my mother. And she’s sick.
What worked? Being okay with only okay.
Next time I might: Sit out. Be choosier about spending time on shinies in the first place rather than on the shinies themselves.
Hard, challenging, mysterious: Feeling impatient and irritated by poor presentations and generalizations. Bug bites. Wanting more time for studying and gardening. Waking up shrieking. Flat tire on the bike.
Good, reassuring, delightful: Other congregants enjoying my poem in UU World and making a point of letting me know. Seeing the lights at Cheekwood with a friend and her guest. Her younger son feeding us homemade potato gnocchi (!). Feeling excited every time I look at my bean plants. Experience helping me with some key decisions. Receiving a quick acceptance for an impulse submission. Riding my bike in interstate-bound traffic (i.e., prevailing over something that scares me).
This week I had the superpower of: getting on the bike!
Next week I’d like the superpower of getting to the easel!
Warm wishes to all y’all, with lots of flowers and clear, fresh water.
Fake Beach Day! I MUST adopt this. I did have a real beach day this week, but I think almost everything I need could be inside Fake Beach Day.
Except for the actual ocean, which it turns out, I do need.
Havi, hugs for releasing and hugs for options. And thanks for the chicken. I love them.
THANK YOU for this! “So I made a clear commitment to giving myself the elements of Fake Beach Day all week.”
<3