Where I cover the good and the hard in my week, visiting the non-preachy side of ritual and self-reflection.
And you get to join in if you feel like it.
Friday already?
She asks, for the two hundred and fifty sixth time in a row….
What worked?
Bed over logic.
On Saturday night I went to bed at 8:15 in the evening.
I wasn’t sick. I wasn’t afraid I was about to get sick.
Those would normally be the two reasons that would justify passing up on good food and good company. It defied logic, but there it was. I felt fine. I just wanted to be in bed, so I went to bed.
My body wanted sleep, and I went with it. This felt like such a huge thing, and such a clear result of all the work I have been doing on the themes of:
- Trusting My Instincts.
- My Body Is CEO.
- This Is Where I Live.
- I Trust My Process As A Human Being.
Everything I’ve been focused on all came together, and it worked. I slept for eleven beautiful hours, and discovered (or rediscovered) that a well-rested Havi is a happy, happy Havi.
And: that I don’t need a reason to trust my body. It’s just right because it’s right.
Next time I might…
Remember sooner that the fear is not the whole story.
There was a good deal of freaking out about the upcoming [rhymes with headlines] and the resulting chorus of You’re So Trucked.
Whenever I was able to remember that I don’t know how this is going to end, and that there are all kinds of perfect simple solutions available to me, and that these are easier to access/see/receive when I am calm, this was good.
The Emergency Calm The Hell Down material helped a lot too, once I remembered to use it.
Everything is connected. Repeat, repeat.
Agent White took off for the supermarket and said: “I’m going to breathe ease and plenty in the supermarket, trusting that doing this is somehow changing the fabric of the world around me.”
Right. Because even if it isn’t, doing it will make me feel better, which will change the feel and experience of every interaction I have with myself and with others.
The hard, challenging and mysterious.
- A thing I thought was two weeks away was actually one week away, and I may have fallen apart completely upon realizing this.
- I saved up for a dress and was so excited about it, then the day it arrived was also the day it went on sale for 50% off.
- Not knowing where we stand on Project X.
- The recovery from last week’s too-much-socialize.
- Gahhhhhh quarterly taxes, you are kicking my ass so hard right now.
- Trimetized. This is my new word for the traumas that result from riding Trimet. Heat plus children’s field trips plus crazy people plus being hit on in stupid ways plus that one woman who sat on me. Trimetized.
- Rhymes with headline.
- Rhymes with You Are So Trucked.
- Realizations about how much is too much right now (apparently anything), and having to readjust.
- The more I learn about taking care of my HSP self, the more information I have about optionsthat are no longer available to me.
- Monster brigade.
- 5am.
The good, reassuring and delights.
- Someone brought me a Snugglie to wear when I was cold, and I was very much against this plan. But it was the right costume for the right moment, and it did what it needed to do, and sometimes someone else knows what you need.
- The giant freakout about the [rhymes with headlines] was not fun, but it was useful. And it resulted in a remarkably productive three hours.
- Whatsit whatsit. I danced up a storm this week.
- The word Trimetized makes me happy, even if I don’t love the experience. And it reminds me to do more conscious entry and choosing Shelter when I ride public transportation.
- Friday night dinner with Tino, Richard, Doug and Kyle. Absolutely lovely.
- Sleepover.
- Sweet sweet sleep.
- I can do this. There is a way. Breathe.
- Movement.
- I don’t hate summer this year. This is big.
- Strawberries! My garden is full of strawberries!
- Adoration.
- Tuesday Fryday! It’s like Tuesday Friday, but better. YAY.
- Yoga with a companion in play.
- Going to the park with my two favorite people and swinging on the swings, and realizing that even though I think [certain situations] can’t change for the better, other situations have changed so quickly and so much for the better. Who am I to decide what is not possible?
- I am going somewhere warm to do some writing!
- A gigantic project that was completely stalled: finished! Ahead of schedule! This is huge.
- I have the best (and wisest) housemate/friend in the entire world.
- The Monkey.
- Heart full of appreciation. Release and receive. Release and receive.
Superpowers!
A superpower I had this week…
The superpower of planting sweetness for Incoming me.
And a superpower I want next week.
The superpower of everything gets to where it needs to be for now. This has to do with trust and listening.
Salve.
This week’s salve is the salve of Trust Receive Undo Create Key.
It holds all of these qualities individually and also all the connections between them.
For example, the ability to trust in undoings, or the ability to create keys. Or how to be a key that undoes things, or how to trust that you can receive keys. Do you see? ALL THE CONNECTIONS and ALL THE POSSIBILITIES.
It also knows exactly which you need in which amounts, and absorbs accordingly.
These salves can’t be seen, but the production factory has delivered enough to me to distribute by way of the magic of the internet, so help yourself. There is enough.
Playing live at the meme beach house — the Fake Band of the Week!
Background. Ez and I make up bands. Stu (retired Bolshevik-fearing voice-to-text software) once invented hanging out at the Meme Beach House“. It’s just one guy.
This week’s band is:
January Stew.
It’s mostly accordions.
Not sure how that really works because this band is actually just one guy.
Hallo Hallo! I am saying Hallo Hallo. ANNOUNCEMENT.
Secret Sail of Emptying!
As part of my bigger process of [Emptying, Emptying] (and Replenishing), we are emptying and reconfiguring the Toy Shop at Stompopolis. It will still exist but smaller and in a different form.
I recommend that you pick up magical Potions from Heidi! We only have a few left. They’re kind of like the salves from the Friday Chicken, except real.
These are magic. She isn’t making them anymore, so these are the last supplies (that I know of).
They smell AMAZING. They make everything better (and softer). My personal favorites are Losing It and Presence, but they are all fantastic.
And we have Deborah’s crazy-wonderful sprays, just a few bottles left, some with the original Playground labels. If you have been to Rally (Rally!), you know that these work all kinds of miracles, even though it seems like they should really just work as symbolic reminders of the thing you want. They go deep.
Anyway, go here and get stuff that you will love. <3
That’s it for me …
Join my Friday ritual in the comments if you feel like it. Or call silent retreat!
We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. And we don’t give advice (unless people specifically ask for it).
Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.
Shabbat shalom.
p.s. It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — join in whenever (or not) and it’s no big deal.
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Thank you, thank you, thank you for Trimetized. That made my week!
shakin’ my tail feathers…
walkin’ on sunshine
+emptying. then some more emptying
+10 clear office can trash bags filled with emptied stuff sent to Value Village
+the decision to get rid of the giant sofa in the living room
+figuring out a health thing – it wasn’t what I thought
+interviewing potential helpers
stuck in the middle with you
^ two steps forward and one and a half steps back on [silent retreat].
gimme shelter
-realizing there is soooo much more emptying I want to do. That I am FED UP TO HERE with so much and much of that is surprising me. gggrrr.
-ships are sailing, and I gotta be on the boats. the boats will not wait for me.
-monsters telling me there isn’t enough time and boats will sail without me and the sailors will riot against me next time the ship comes in to port.
*!*Superpower of the week: iwanttobeherenow.
What worked:
Bikram yoga. Ahhhhh.
That thing I’m still figuring out a proxy for.
A much-needed date with the Gentleman.
Rooting through the vegetable drawer.
Next time I might:
Do [the thing that needs a proxy] more often. Everyday, several times a day.
The hard, challenging, and mysterious:
Not standing up for my boundaries, either with others or with myself.
Irritability–caused by not feeling my needs are being met, by not standing up for my boundaries, by not practicing sovereignty and being responsible for my own stuff, by not being in the flow.
Procrastination–this can definitely be described as hard, challenging, and mysterious. How do I feel inspired and motivated but choose to procrastinate anyway? This is the mystery.
The good, reassuring, and delights:
Giggling.
Cuddling.
Saffron sauce! Also tiramisu–that’s a custard!
Raspberry wine.
Twitter conversations.
Home. Being back in my homeland has so many delights: mountains, green growing things, Indian food, Bikram yoga, hippies, pagans, restaurants with vegan options, vermilion huckleberries, those birds around my house that sing so beautifully, people I love and care about. Even just seeing the license plates gives me delight.
A superpower I had this week:
Awareness.
A superpower I want in the coming week:
Creating congruence.
*And I’d just like to say I love the new anti-spam-bot thingy for the comments. The little pictures!*
Hard: not doing, plus guilt
Good: being outside and moving! muffins, lilies
Also, the scary burglar rustling at dusk was just a raccoon who loves apricots as much as I do! (not a proxy, but it could be)
In a seemingly unrelated thought, What if I can empty instincts? The way natural selection works, we still have a lot of stuff that was selected against (or selected for in a completely different situation). Maybe it’s in vestigial form or part of the untranslated code. But it’s there, perhaps preventing me from seeing what’s useful.
For example, procrastination was a beneficial trait when it helped me not over-perfectionize. It is now hiding passion and peace from me. In current conditions, I want to feel satisfaction. I need the satisfaction of focusing. I can give that to myself. (If I haven’t, that’s ok.)
So, yeah, I want the superpower of inner sparkly clean. (Secretly hoping that leads to a pile-free desk too.)
How this could work? Summer sun and berries! And leftovers and a radio program to soothe the pile dissolving.
What worked or helped:
The caffeinated drinks Past Me had stocked the fridge with.
The sunk-cost reset button.
The yard-sale linens I splurged on last month.
Next time I might:
Push the button sooner.
Buy more fresh fruit.
Hard/challenging/mysterious:
Grim and gross tidings everywhere.
Extra innings sans compensation.
How much routine tests cost. (The joys of self-insurance.)
Feeling like I couldn’t spare the time for [insert list here].
Good/reassuring/delightful:
Getting paid for two poems. And the PayPal fee was covered, too!
Receiving two class-action-settlement checks.
Two horsies I picked to win, won.
I am sometimes really, REALLY good at my job.
The onion hot pockets I improvised were also good.
I had the superpower of revising stories.
Next week, I’d like the superpower of drawing lines.
Shabbat shalom, and warm wishes to all y’all.
The weekends seem shorter than the week but the time between VPA and Chicken seems shorter than the time between Chicken and VPA. Because Time is Funny That Way.
What worked:
Recognizing that I am depleted and making choices based on that depeletion. Instead of gathering what little energy I had and trying to get more done.
The mysterious and challenging and just plain hard:
Like @Esme – choosing procrastination even when I feel inspired and motivated.
Being depleted: two dropout days and a zombie day this week.
Pain.
The disappearance of the two-wheeled dolly.
Nothing looks like play.
The usual preoccupations.
The good and the delightful:
Giving myself Presents. Being present for the presents.
The obstacle to arranging a trip this weekend means we are here for some fun events
Invitation to a last-minute party to celebrate the solstice
A visiting Pomeranian puppy
Walking in the rain
Pictures of buttmonsters, fuggle seed, and other colorful stuffies.
MrB feeling better, wanting to hang out with me, and talk! Actual conversations about things besides his health! Laughter! Fun!
The Strange and Weird:
Feeling drunk on Pepsi, the dregs of my pain meds, and the need for sleep.
Mini-VPA for the weekend:
Less pain, more fun.
I only have one thing to talk about* and it is this:
Yesterday I did a Thing (an important Thing that very much needed to be done) that was very, very frightening to my 13-year-old self. (To be clear: I am not 13. I am 21. But my self at all past ages is still hanging around, and she makes herself known at times.) This is because it was a Thing that my 13-year-old self had very unpleasant experiences with, and she was scared that the bad experiences would happen again and it would be just like That One Time and everything would be HORRIBLE!
So I came up with a solution, which I totally borrowed from Havi (thank you, Havi!): I told my 13-year-old self that everything was going to be okay. “I’m older now,” I said to her. “I’m an Adult and I can handle this. You don’t have to worry about anything. This time is not going to be like that time, because I have Autonomy and Choices and Power that I didn’t have back then. It’s not your responsibility to deal with this–it’s mine. I’ll make sure it goes okay.” And I gave her a comfy room to stay in where she could nap on a couch, and play video games, and snuggle with cats. And while she was safe in that room, I marched off to complete the Thing.
And IT TOTALLY WORKED. I did the Thing! And it turned out just fine! And my 13-year-old self feels quite reassured. And I do, too.
*Okay, I actually have two things to talk about. The second thing is that I was really nervous about not doing the Friday Chicken comment ritual the “right way,” until I read the Amnesty page and realized that it was totally okay for me to say just one thing or two things or no things. Yay!
Birthday chicken! It’s still my birthday in Portal-Land.
What worked: Monster-spotting. Even when I didn’t know what to say to them, it was still incredibly helpful just being able to notice: “Oh! That’s monster-talk! That’s just a scary monster saying scary things! For a second there, I thought it was The Truth, The Whole Truth, and Nothing But The Truth! Phew!”
Next time I might… Take a complete hiatus from making any promises of any kind. Make friends with phrases like “I would like to do this,” “I will try,” and “Let’s see how it goes.”
Hard stuff: Some very old and scary stories from the Days of Then, or maybe even just the Nightmares of Then. The stories triggered patterns that I wanted to shift. The patterns were/are strong. It wasn’t/isn’t easy.
Good stuff: My birthday! I have had a happy one.
This week’s superpower: Finding the good in an unexpected hard place.
Next week’s superpower: Peace, love, and understanding. Ain’t nothing funny about that.
Havi, this week’s salve is perfect for me right now. Trust Receive Undo Create Key. Mille grazie.
My first Chicken with my new laptop 😀
What worked? Retreating. Writing. Listening to instinct and my body.
What might I try? Silent retreat.
The Hard:
-Went on road trip to family event. Several hard/boring/painful bits mixed in there.
-My body does not like camping
-Losing things, and losing even more things
-Forgetting
-Think about identity. and aspects of it I feel I can’t control and maybe don’t want
-a lot of moments of doubt, and shame, and guilt
-delving into mysteries is hard! i feel like i don’t know what i am doing most of the time
The Good:
+New lappy! Finally! Now I can do all the writing.
+And all the fun internet things that I have been missing for forever.
+Not working for two weeks is the Best Things Ever
+My (somewhat silent) Retreat was amazing, well-planned by Past Me, and more powerful than I had realized
+Ocean! And hot springs! All the water!
+Having full access to learning again, the way that I like it
+Father’s Day
+I am becoming better at recognizing the doubt/shame/ect and reminding myself that it is a temporary emotion, not All I Am And Ever Will Be
+I am doing things today! Sneakily! Don’t Tell The Monsters
+texting
+vacation is so great, did i mention that?
Superpower of Last Week: Dealing with hard situations by realizing that I would never have to repeat them again
Superpower I want this week: knowing the right thing to do in the moment
Oy this week! So much back & forthing.
what worked: white flowers, rest, letting the sad be sad. looking forward to the Solstice
next time: earlier bedtime. is there anything this does not fix?
the suck:
-despite making beautiful healthy food all weekend, i had AWFUL stomach issues starting sunday. had to leave work early monday. discomfort and unhappiness all week.
-this made other Fun Things not able to ahppen
-miscummincation kerfuffle in coven + no one on the ball enough to catch it = no Midsummer event
-dismay over underlying issues with the above
-despite good intentions and really trying, my weight is up over 140 all the time now. sometimes by a lot.
-ongoing lil annoying injuries. they also provide exzcuses t not Move around.
-especially this awful thing with my knee. darn cat.
-not finishing many things i wanted to wrap up last week at work. i didnt flake out, i had other stuff happen, but this week i need to dig in.
-car stuff thta kept me from going to any Midsummer shenanigans
-my lawn is crunchy
the sparkle:
-husband and i went shoppign last weekend and squee! nice new clothes
-lots of laugh and lovey dovey between us/
-good long talks qith friends
-intimations of nw fun things coming my way
-Litha! Full Moon! My borthday! I love late june
-unexpected lil gifts etc
-getting my HoneyMoon tshirt from Bpal and loving it!!
-getting it toegtehr to order the sumatran patcholi from same
-delivering a Deiverable in a day: from blank page to posted, and it’s not even that bad
-despite everything, pulling it toegther to let g of frustration and just enjoy a long weekend at home.
-feeling the white flower practices working on me, slowly.