Where I cover the good and the hard in my week, visiting the non-preachy side of ritual and self-reflection.
And you get to join in if you feel like it.
I am overflowing with grateful appreciation right now.
So I am going to pause (paws!) here for a deeply heart-felt moment of THANK YOU.
Knowing that no matter how challenging and hard any given week might be, I have a place to reflect on it and I am not alone…this is treasure. Doing this in community — and I include everyone who reads or has read over the past 259 weeks, or occasionally thinks “hey, Friday Chicken!” as part of community — is a big deal for me.
Thank you.
What worked?
Choosing to see The Scariest Thing as a do-over from Then.
This week I had to do The Scariest Thing, and there was no getting out of it. It had to be done.
Next week I am going to attempt the Second Scariest Thing, which is telling you guys about the Scariest Thing, if I can.
I do not even have words to describe how much I did not want to do The Scariest Thing. I have spent the past eight years, and especially the past year and a half, working my ass off to avoid this very thing.
And over a decade ago, I made a heartbreakingly painful choice that resulted in years of trauma, in order to avoid a very, very similar Scariest Thing.
This time there was no avoiding it. It had to be done. So I decided that this was a video game do-over for Me-from-then.
She can’t undo her choices (and she shouldn’t have to either — I fully support her choices, she was trying to protect me-now, and she was amazing, I owe her everything). But if I choose to see this experience as a do-over, then me-now can be strong enough to make a different choice, and in doing so send a little healing both backwards and forwards in time.
She introduced me to Strength, Resilience, Faith and Perseverance. Now it is time for me to meet Surrender, Humility, Mercy and Grace. This is what I learned from my do-over, and I appreciate that.
Breathing into it.
I wanted to run away so hard this week. I could feel all the old neural patterns pulling. Singing the song of let’s-just-get-out-of-here.
I wanted to toss a grenade into the last of the barns, and let it all burn behind me.
But instead I chose to do the Scariest (for me) Thing.
Something Bryan Kest has said, over and over again: “Life is full of challenges. Sometimes you can’t run away from them. Try breathing into them.”
I have been practicing for this. I have been training for this.
This week I breathed Sustenance and Steadiness. I breathed Trust and Possibility. I kept breathing into everything. I stayed in my compass of qualities and let breath be in charge of everything.
External support.
While the Scariest Thing was happening, Agent X was across town doing yoga and breathing Grace and Presence for me. My co-travelers from my Crossing the Line retreat in October hummed Safety and Sovereignty for me while I was going through it. Other friends held wishes for me too.
Knowing that I wasn’t the only one breathing into it and through it was such a help.
Next time I might…
Ask for help sooner.
For me, asking for help is the scary thing.
Recognize the stories inside the stories.
My strength doesn’t come from being able to take care of everything myself, even though I want to believe that so hard.
The hard, challenging and mysterious.
- Still figuring out this (…metaphorical…) hallway thing.
- The Portals of Portal Land are disappearing fast, and with that a small identity crisis for me as I figure out what I want.
- The Mystery of Ugh I Hate To Admit that [person I think is a total tool] is right.
- The Mystery of Release.
- The Sail of Yard is a good thing, and I’m glad it’s happening, but I do not have time/energy for this on top of everything else right now.
- The scariest dreams.
- So. Much. Work.
- And so much work yet to be done.
- The Scariest Thing, and also the dread of the Scariest Thing.
- My body reacting.
- So much hurt and sadness from then. Past-me, who went through hell to keep me from The Scariest Thing, was pretty upset that now after all this time I’m choosing to just go ahead and do it anyway. She did, as we say in Hebrew, figure-eights in the air, just to protect me from something that I was going to end up doing later. PAIN about this. We had to build a lot of safe rooms.
- People I love being involved in the Scariest Thing, and knowing that they have to go through it because I do.
- Sadness and grief over all the things from then.
The good, reassuring and delights.
- Squeaking in under the line. We squeaked! We squoked! Whatever it is, miracles. I didn’t think we could do it, and we did. That made The Scariest Thing infinitely more bearable.
- I am at peace in the hallway. I am not scared of anything right now.
- Richard and I went to Mt. Tabor park for a birthday picnic, and it was the most joyful, sweet, wonderful thing ever.
- Our timing was fantastic, because it turns out that Mt. Tabor park is about to be closed indefinitely, so that was the exact right time for a gorgeous picnic there, and we didn’t even know it.
- The Sail of Yard that we are having with our neighbors turns out to be a great way to practice Emptying and Replenishing. I can feel all kinds of emotional/energy cobwebs getting whooshed out of my space.
- Evening yoga in the park with Agent White.
- Mission Avoid The 6 has been so good. It is ridiculous how much nicer my life is when I am nowhere near the #6 bus. Even if it means taking longer to get places. Avoid the 6.
- Really understanding for the first time that I am surrounded by people who love me. Friends, neighbors, beautiful-hearted people.
- The Scariest Thing is over. Well, not over. But I did the part that was the scariest. I did it, and I am okay.
- I did not meltdown at all during the Scariest Thing.
- I know what I want, and I am both happy and unconflicted, both about the knowing and the wanting.
- Not being attached to outcome.
- Trusting that everything, including The Scariest Thing, is for my good and the good of future-me.
- Big deep crazy heart-love.
- Someone who believes that I get to be treated with sweetness at all times, and actively practices this.
- Forgiveness.
- The diamond sankalpa.
- Monsieur LeBlanc from the Other Agency has a Connection, which means possibly hiding out in southern France next year to avoid American Independence Day and the resulting fireworks trauma.
- Everything changes, and I am good at this.
Superpowers!
A superpower I had this week…
The superpower of letting [X] become a softly shining jewel in my heart, instead of the bitterest pill.
In my case, X was Humility and Graceful Surrender.
This week’s salve is going to be a stronger version of this.
And a superpower I want next week.
The superpower of meeting everything that comes up with Oh Yes This Is Right, and: I Can Use This!
Salve.
This week’s salve is the salve of painful things transform into jewels.
In other words, the quality hidden inside of the experience becomes present and grace-filled.
The tiny truth-sparks inside of the distortions are revealed, and they glow.
The salve is comforting, it eases burns, it reminds me of smelling cloves at the end of the sabbath. Spices of sweetness.
These salves can’t be seen, but the production factory has delivered enough to me to distribute by way of the magic of the internet, so help yourself. There is enough.
Some little notes.
Confidential to Lorinda.
Thank you for sharing your process. Beautiful to read!
Confidential to a certain secret agent in Canada who keeps sending me clues.
A full heart of APPRECIATION and GRATITUDE for you and your mission.
Confidential to Kaari.
Thank you for the just-right postcard and the just-right words, for trust and love, and for being an accidental best-ever testimonial for why the Procrastination Dissolve-o-Matic is still the greatest, after all these years.
Confidential to Simone.
You have no idea how much that meant to me. Thank you.
Playing live at the meme beach house — the Fake Band of the Week!
Background. Ez and I make up bands. Stu (retired Bolshevik-fearing voice-to-text software) once invented hanging out at the Meme Beach House“. It’s just one guy.
This week’s band is:
Aluminalomnibus
A Luminal Omnibus? What does that even mean? Actually, they used to be called Amigosanonymous. Or, alternately, Amigos Anonymous.
Either way, just one guy.
Thank, Nick.
Hallo Hallo! I am saying Hallo Hallo. ANNOUNCEMENT.
Last week I said that we were in “a bit” of a crisis, and that was a hilarious understatement. I understated it because admitting to crisis is part of the Scariest Thing that I have apparently devoted my life to avoiding.
I also said that I will tell you more about it later, and I will.
I also said that this experience is “interesting, and not particularly fun, and — like all hard things — very, very useful”, and I stand by that. I will also tell you more about that part, because it is important.
In the meantime, thank you everyone who bought things from our shop this week. You were part of our miracle that made The Scariest Thing so much infinitely more bearable.
And if you have been thinking, “man, I would love to get X from Havi’s shop or her Sail of Emptying sometime”, it would be hugely helpful if you could do that now. Now is a really good time.
That’s it for me …
Join my Friday ritual in the comments if you feel like it. Or call silent retreat!
We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. And we don’t give advice (unless people specifically ask for it).
Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.
Shabbat shalom.
p.s. It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — join in whenever (or not) and it’s no big deal.
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I love you! From afar, for now, but nearer, if necessary. I know you know this, but sometimes it is good to hear it, too.
Oh, my goodness. I very rarely comment, but I had to after this Friday Chicken. Asking for help and not letting pride in the way is super scary. “My strength doesn’t come from being able to take care of everything myself”… I needed to be reminded of that. Thank you 🙂
All the love to you, Havi, for creating this community and being part of it. And all the love to all the other Chickeneers 🙂
The Hard:
-Massive neck pain
-Guilt ect
-Uncertainty
The Good:
+Completed a few mission that have been wanting attention for a long time
+Playing Duck Duck Goose
+The sweet miracle of Summer School Is The Most Fun/Joy At Work I’ve Ever Had In My Life (for huge chunks of time!)
+Re-integrating with Internet Me, and my bookmarks reminding myself about the various things I care about, that sometimes I forget about in my everyday life
+Finally have a phone again, thanks to me-who-though-up-Duck-Duck-Goose
+Weirdly not panicking about [situation], just doing things about it and trusting. Feels very strange, but good.
*kisses*
“in community!”
and
“silent retreat!”
Figure eights in the air! That is what I feel like is happening between me and the computer when I am on the computer for too long.
Sending you all kinds of love. Oh, Scariest Thing, what is up with that, Universe? I am having some version of Scary Thing here too, and it goes back far into the past when I really look at it, and I keep wondering what it might be setting up for me (also I keep handwriting ragey logical letters to x and y to try to rein it in. . . ha ha, that is working SO WELL)
The hard:
+Scary Thing going down
+So furious
+Scary because of all I invested in it
+Scary because I’m physically thrashed by it
+Scary because it does not seem like I can win it
+Very tired!
+Dog is freaking out from all the thunder
+Physical thrashedness is REALLY upsetting me this week
+someone awful has someone great very very fooled and it is depressing
+confusion: about future stuff I can’t tell what is going to happen on kind of a collective level—and I’m scared to talk to future self about it but I think I should
+too tired to do yoga or shiva nata
The good:
+I am over the panic phase of Thing
+I am in a mostly zen phase of the Thing
+I can’t overthink the thing
+I know where to go for help figuring out the thing, I think
+I have been told from various sources to stop looking too far in the future about the Thing (people probably tell that to bands signing 360 deal)
+swimming
+helpful person from the other side of a really strong argument
+excellent friends supporting excellent writing
+Mrs. F
+peace at home
+also the clutter is so cleared from the house it’s great
+Tina! She’s so talented
+Deb—same
+Doctor appointment over phone, immediately, as needed
+returning a dress was easy
+new beach towels with jellyfish and octopi on them!
+understanding and compassion from Portland making up for the unbelievable opposite of that coming from New York: thank you.
Sending love and appreciation for Friday Chicken!
And HUGE love and appreciation for Y.E.A.R.books OMG I have no words for how much I love these.
xoxoxox
this chicken is filled with all the love and all the hugs for Havi Bell.
{{{{ <3 }}}}
Hi Havi. Ya know, I have been reading your blog for years. I’ve never commented before and it was only last month that I got over the procrastination I was having over your Dissolve-o-Matic offering (which I love and has taught me so much and continues to). But I just wanted to tell you that you have helped me so much. I went through a really dark time a few years ago and reading your blog helped me feel hopeful sometimes. Like maybe I would be ok. And you’re funny.
Thank you, Havi. I really appreciate you and I just want you to know that while you’re going through the scary, I am sending you some good energy. It’s the least I can do.
((hugs)) to you!
*hugs ALL all of the Fluent Self cyberspace*
Thank YOU, Havi! I’m sorry things are hard. Here’ s a flower for you: –<–{3
This week. It was so many things.
The scary/hard/puzzling:
– Escaping for four days, and having it not be the idyllic thing I'd built it up to be in my head. It was good and helpful just as it was, but my monsters had a field day and that brought up all kinds of stuff from then.
– Tears, tears, tears. In the grocery store. At the theatre. Everywhere it seemed.
– Meeting with Agent J on Thursday and having to talk about [xyz] from then and it was scary and hard.
– Buying an expensive lunch and the food turned out to be NOT the thing I wanted at all. Guilt.
– Getting wound up about Scary Thing happening next month. (Not the scariest. Not even by a little bit, but still pretty awful.)
The good/exciting/happy:
– Four days of solo vacation! Reading, beaching, walking for hours, watching trash tv and then more reading. It was awesome, and I feel so refreshed now.
– Coming home to find that things hadn't, in fact, burned to the ground in my absence. The basement even got cleaned up. I was thrilled.
– Meeting with Agent J was productive and cathartic. I left feeling stunned, but lighter.
– L is back! I haven't seen her (the real her) in over a year. This is wonderful and I'm so happy for her and for M, yet a little skeptical at the same time. Trusting the process and sending her positive vibes as she works on her stuff while I work on mine.
– Coming home to M, and realizing how much I'd missed him.
– Finally done with corporate job of doom for good!
On a last note, how awesome is this new comments captcha? I smile every time I use it. 🙂
Happy weekend all.
The Friday Brain Wave of “Oh! Friday Chicken! It is happening for others too” – that’s totally where I’m at with the Friday Chicken right now!
I bow to you and send love and admiration, as well as trust that Things Will Turn Out Fine in the End, and sweetness to ease the occasional But This Is Not Funny. At. All. Right Now.
Just a note on spending time in France next year: YAY! Welcome. Also, but I’m sure Monsieur LeBlanc has told you about this, the French national holiday is on July 14. And unfortunately it has fireworks… So, the Power of Timing…
Much love,
Julie
<3 <3 <3 { { { h a v i } } } <3 <3 <3
Glowing love to you and all the yous, dear Havi. xoxoxoxo
Oh boy, week!
Hardish things included:
– the amount of things happening this week and my habitual (yet enervating) preference for quieter and less active things.
– Wonderbaby's new nicknames are 'Delicate Cherry-Blossom Daughter' and 'Fragile Snowflake Child'. They are ironic, btw. Oh my god, it is like Henry VIII has reincarnated in my house. Possibly she just takes after her father. One of the two. It is somewhat full on. Also loud. Also hilarious. But also loud.
– I find it much more pleasant to live in a house where my laundry and dishes and food are much more organised but there has been so much other stuff happening they've got pushed further down and down the priority list and now omg chaos! (Kind of).
– awkward phone call I just wanted to end but chose not to for [reasons].
– lots of driving long distances with kids. And a lot of feeding them cookies and fries in the car because *sigh* [reasons].
Goodling things included:
+ oh my god enrolled in my degree
+ oh my god bought a car!!!!!! AND it is in SUCH good condition. AND it was SO cheap. And it was SO easy and effortless. AND IT IS TURQUOISE!!! (Or kingfisher, possibly. And kind of sparkly!)
+ oh my god have a double bed and a fridge of my own
+ oh my god the school holidays are over on Monday! Wooohooo!
+ we had a friend from Little Lad's preschool visit with his mum and we all get along very well and YAY FRIENDS!
+ I have friends I love, who love me too. Thank you miracle of the internets, thank you. xoxoxo
+ tearing down The Patriarchy Within (which gave me permission to NOT 'have to' do ANYthing study- or work- or creative output-wise) actually made it more possible to approach the idea of study and just say yes only three months later. Tearing down the patriarchy is simply ALWAYS a good idea. #lifetips
Blessings, blessings, salves and blessings.
<3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3
Sending good thoughts to folks. And remembering my scariest thing, and sending good thoughts to me back then.
The Hard & Mysterious:
Falling back into old patterns about mail and money.
Seeing a cat abandoned by its owner. Seeing it sit on the front steps as people drove away and it wondered where its people were going. This is not a metaphor. I have a plan to get it and take it to the shelter tomorrow. Think good thoughts for Buttons! I came home and squeezed my cat extra.
The Delightful:
Realizing I was falling back into old patterns and stopping it. Getting the mail, opening the mail, doing what needs to be done. Maybe a gold star for each day I open all the mail.
Conversations with the Boy. A Boy-shaped space that existed for the last 2 years is being filled back up again. And it is good. It may not always be so, but for now it is good.
Showed up late for the gym class and thought I’d missed it. Ended up getting an hour with the 2 trainers. Yay!
Tomatoes, cucumbers, feta and pepadew peppers.
Did a few 20/10’s from Unf*ck Your Habitat yesterday and now I can enjoy a clean house all weekend.
Havi, I echo all the things that have already been said.
And I’m sending hugs and support to everyone who is in the hard right now.
If I’d written this chicken last night, I would have begun with listing the things that were hard this week. But —
I’m sitting in the Outdoor Refueling Station, the sun is shining, it’s 83 degrees and the humidity is not too high. I hear birds singing, and occasionally the sound of a car passing at the end of the street. My house is clean, and I have nothing to do right now except relax. Peace, sweet peace.
I wish that for all of you.
There was hard, but the hard was mostly familiar hard, of physical pain and of things related to MrB’s health.
A family reunion is planned for Sunday and we invited two of MrB’s cousins, whom I had never met to have lunch today since they were in town. I had mixed feelings about getting ready for that — partly wanting to say let them take us as we are and partly worrying about making a good impression.
The lunch turned out to be fun, and now I’m looking forward to tomorrow.
N reappeared, asking for advice and assistance. I have mixed feelings about that too. Mostly relief that his presence didn’t stir up feelings from Then, and amusement about how little has changed.
J made a public apology (on FB) for what she calls “abusing” me by not staying in touch — I’ve been getting bad/scary news and then no followup information about outcomes or results or what next. So I’ve been worrying about her and not wanting to disturb her rest (she needs a lot of rest) by calling. I have mixed feelings about that too.
I finally (finally!) bought the Dissolv-o-matic, the Destuckification Station, and the Monster Coloring Book. I have mixed feelings about that too! Anxiety because now I’ll have to face Those Things, and Inowanna, and more anxiety that if I don’t use these tools to face them and deal with them, then I will have wasted money and I will be a big disappointment to myself. Ahhh! Gahhh! Fortunately, there are Emergency Calming Techniques at hand.
Sending love and good wishes to all.
I read “Aluminalomnibus” as if it were “alumin(um) + omnibus”, and I kind of loved the wacky metal mental imagery.
Ironically, my new-ish strength is learning that I can take care of things all by myself. They are things that Spouse wouldn’t even attempt to do, and he doesn’t approve of me doing them either, so I just … don’t tell him about them until after I’ve done them. (I like stretching my comfort zone; he doesn’t.)
I am here, lighting my candle.
Hard stuff is hard, and good stuff is so very very good.
I am grateful to be a member of this tribe.
–<–<–@ –<–<–@ –<–<–@
Hmmm….I have so much love and appreciation for you!
My life is infinitely more congruent and joyful because of you…your guidance, your presence, your shining, reverberating example. Saying thank you seems inadequate….but here it is…Thank you.
Ringing a bell (quietly) for you and wishing you wells overflowing with Ease, Trust, Joy, Love, Peace and Inner Knowing.
May it be so.
The artichokes growing next door are blooming. Into huge, joyful, bright purple sea-anemone-looking flowers. My neighbor doesn’t eat them; she just grows them because they’re gloriously pretty. So imagine me scooping up a bouquet of them and sending them your way.
You’re finding your way through this hallway, and at the end you’ll find a room filled to bursting with flowers. It’s there. I know it.
Hello everyone! Cluck and cluck.
What worked this week: Being gentle with myself, wprking thru my lists.
Next time: more sleep. more movement
the suck was not so bad this week:
-falling into the tv after work and staying there. frustarting in many ways
-despite knowing i have to get things done, having no ganas at work most of the week
-not even attempting staying sober this week. i dont know why it’s so hard. hoping to make a different choice this week
–left my coven, hurt feelings etc
-struggling to finish a feature article, having my editor send it back for a major reweite and then struggling with that for days
-no puppy time. lost interest in the pups, but when i do play they nip and bark
-throwing out all routine for the sake of rest has brought me rest, but the house is a mess and it’s hard getting back on the routine
-havign to get back on the routine
-committing to eating well, then making bad choices
this week’s superopowr was being able to speak my truth and stand with those consequences. i didthat a few times with some very big stuff, including stuff i was not being honest about. yea me!
the sparkle was very sparkly this week:
-pushing at work to complete some pesky hanging-around projects, deepening alliances
-feeling so inspired by the stompolis calendat word of the month. then not feeling “resonance”. and then really really feeling it. i get it.
-good sex and more of it
-discovering 2 nice comfy blakc dresses in my closet, wearing them to work
and the SuperSparkly bit of it all (some back ground):
-I got to live out a lifelone dream this weekend. i went to dance conference. i got AMAZING dance instruction, i had superfun. i connected so deeply with this practice. i am IN LOVE. Talk about resonating! I have nto felt this good in sooooo long. so inspired!! I really committed too: i invested in a pair of character shoes for class, i went dressed for dancing, and yea so happy.
Dancing whale and TAM! And that’s pretty much all I remember about that, but I’m SO glad it was right and the right time. Sparkle hugs, with bubbles!
The Procrastination Dissolve-O-Matic is insanely useful! Even if I already knew some of these things, I hadn’t put them together and I didn’t remember. This is me, remembering! And feeling all fine and happy with it.