Where I cover the good and the hard in my week, visiting the non-preachy side of ritual and self-reflection.
And you get to join in if you feel like it.
Today marks five years of doing this. “This” being writing a Chicken every week, reflecting on what was hard-useful and what was pleasurable-useful, doing this in community.
A huge hand-on-heart sigh of appreciation for everyone who has been a part of this in any way.
What worked?
Remembering (when I could) that falling down doesn’t mean something is wrong.
Falling is the practice.
As Bryan says (I paraphrase) about yoga, “There is no value in balancing while holding your leg in the air. All it strengthens is self-satisfaction. The value is falling, noticing how you feel about falling, breathing with that.”
It’s a bit like what I used to say about “mistakes” when I taught [the thing formerly known as The Thing Formerly Known As]. Once you get it “right”, it isn’t working anymore. The chaos is where the learning happens.
Anyway, this week had all kinds of (metaphorical) moments of losing my sense of balance, really wanting to hold something in a certain way and not being able to.
Every time I remembered that there is nothing wrong with falling down, my life got easier. I could say, “Oh right, this is the part where the learning happens, this is the part where I notice, breathe, fill up with love.” That was helpful.
Next time I might…
Not fight.
This week was deliciously productive until everything fell apart, and I found myself doing the one thing that is guaranteed not to work: fighting with myself, fighting with what is.
Truce. I’m here to learn how to meet my stuff with curiosity and warmth, not to strengthen resistance.
Remember that Zombie Day means change it up.
When I’m exhausted I can’t work. But I do this thing where I give myself an hour or two to rest, before trying again. This sets me up for disappointment, and I quickly get to the point where Everything Is Stupid And Annoying.
Next time I’d like to say, “Hey, Havi Bell. I love you. You just had a really rough night. I know you want to get lots done, and yet studies have shown that you can’t brain when you’re a zombie. So today is a Fire Drill Day, and your only job is to take care of yourself and drink from the wells. I promise you, this will get you back to work faster than trying to work every 90 minutes.”
The hard, challenging and mysterious.
- Nightmares about Then.
- Impossibly busy dreams in which I’m working my ass off (hey, just like in real life), trying to prevent a revisiting of Then. And then waking up too exhausted to do any of the things that will actually help with that.
- The Mystery of Southern California. Very mysterious indeed.
- The Sail of Yard brought up all my stuff. I was prepared for emotion, not prepared for the intensity.
- Even though Sail of Yard is not related to the Current Scariest Thing Situation (it’s something we’ve been meaning to do forever, and this was the time our neighbors could do it, and I had to keep reminding myself of this over and over again), my brain had trouble processing that.
- The biggest and scariest monsters were out in full force, with megaphones, with their deep pulsing mantra: “You Will Lose Everything. Again. This Is The Beginning Of The End. This Is The Thing That Happens Right Before You Lose Everything And It Is Happening Again. Many, many negotiations and safe rooms were needed.
- Thursday. I couldn’t access the wells.
- Being so tired that I can’t feel what I want/need anymore.
- The perception that all of this is on my shoulders.
- Forgetting that “everything that is against me is an illusion“.
- Not liking Portal Land anymore.
- My favorite cafe is being turned into condos in 12 days. Bulldozers on the way.
- I was not able to Avoid the 6, even though Avoiding the 6 is crucial to maintaining a calm, stable force field.
The good, reassuring and delights.
- BUTTMONSTER ALPHABET CAROUSEL! (Not a band!)
- The above will make more sense next week, but for now just assume that this is joyous and celebration-worthy in every possible way.
- Operation Siegfried the Magic Otter.
- Huge progress on all the ops.
- Spending lots of time in my favorite cafe and appreciating it in our last days together. Also, Taylor put aside some freshly made unsweetened cardamon extract for me and made me a dangerously great steamed milk concoction that might also be an aphrodisiac.
- Speaking of drinks that are more than drinks: M. LeBlanc of the Other Agency was responsible for filling my week with ice cold handmade cantaloupe ginger juice. Holy god.
- The Sale of Yard. Agents Mueller and White knew what was going on for me and took care of everything, while reminding me that Now Is Not Then, and that I am safe and loved.
- I love my neighbors.
- A heart full of appreciation, gratitude and love for so many things.
- By chance, I ended up in the (Original) Red Dress, and spent an evening enjoying what it feels like to be just traffic-stoppingly hot.
- Dinner at Veritable Quandary.
- People who adore me so much they would move to Idaho for me (it’s a metaphor, but that doesn’t make it not a big deal, it’s a very big deal).
- I am here, and — most of the time, at least — happy to be here, breathing into it, even when it’s hard.
- Happy birthday to the Vicar! I see you on Tuesfau!
- Play, delight, warmth, passion, meaning, knowing what I want.
- Five years of Friday Chickens, you guys! Unbelievable.
Superpowers!
A superpower I had this week…
The superpower of I Lost My Balance And That Is Okay Because This Is Where The Breathing Happens.
Also the superpowers of being a spy and speaking my heart.
And a superpower I want next week.
The superpower of remembering that Really And Truly, Nothing Is Wrong.
Salve.
This week’s salve is the salve of kol ma shenegdi ashlaya.
Everything that is against me is illusion.
Just like with last week’s salve, the tiny truth-sparks inside of the distortions are revealed, and they glow.
The salve is light, calming, it glows. When you put it on, you begin to breathe a little deeper, you remember that you are okay, all kinds of misunderstandings begin to unravel and dissolve. And you begin to trust that you can’t choose wrong, that paying attention to how you feel is enough, that maybe you are enough too.
These salves can’t be seen, but the production factory delivered enough for distribution by way of the magic of the internet, so help yourself. There is enough.
How are we going to celebrate?
FIVE WHOLE YEARS OF THIS, YOU GUYS!
I wanted to do something, and I don’t know what. Suggestions: throw them into the pot.
For now, I don’t even know how to begin thanking you for being here with me. So appreciative of this surprising community of thoughtful, compassionate, warm-hearted people to play with. I love you all so much.
{THANK YOU}
Playing live at the meme beach house — the Fake Band of the Week!
Background. Ez and I make up bands. Stu (retired Bolshevik-fearing voice-to-text software) once invented hanging out at the Meme Beach House“. It’s just one guy.
This week’s band is:
Gravy Belt
It comes from a hilarious conversation with the Vicar, in which he said: “Yes, I guess I did overlook the Alabama Factor and how this would play in America’s gravy belt. But still. Shiny!”
I let him write the description of the band.
Gravy Belt: down home Americana grooves played at steep tempos. Allows more jiggle on the dance floor. When done properly the effect in the club is that of 1,000 disco balls shattering (this is from the bedazzled sweatpants moving at 140 BPM)
Or: Alabama Factor, which is a Gravy Belt cover band.
Either way, definitely just one guy.
Hallo Hallo! I am saying Hallo Hallo. ANNOUNCEMENT.
I was hoping to have a new HAT up today for you guys, but that wasn’t how this week turend out.
So I will repeat what I said last week: We’re in a crisis. I’m working hard on getting our ship through the storm and learning (and internalizing) what is here for me to learn, and will share more with you soon about what we’re going through. In the meantime:
If you have been thinking, “man, I would love to get X from Havi’s shop or her Sail of Emptying sometime”, it would be amazing for us if you could do that now. Now is a beautiful time.
That’s it for me …
Join my Friday ritual in the comments if you feel like it. Or call silent retreat!
We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. And we don’t give advice (unless people specifically ask for it).
Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.
Shabbat shalom.
p.s. It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — join in whenever (or not) and it’s no big deal.
Follow
Celebrate the Chicken’s five year birthday by sending it to Kindergarten? Or giving it big-boy pants?
Hard for me:
The worry that if I get the Dissolve-o-matic, the monsters will just be louder that I “just need to do the thing”
Good for me:
That there are such opportunities for community
THANK YOU HAVI! I LOVE YOU!
For she’s a jolly good chicken!
For she’s a jolly good chicken!
For she’s a jolly good CH – I – KEN!!!!
Which nobody can deny!
(and now in Klingon, ’cause, hey! it was there, and Klingons are all about sovereignty and badassery )….
cha wo’rIv toHgaHnaH lo pIre’toq, cha wo’rIv toHgaHnaH lo pIre’toq
cha wo’rIv toHgaHnaH lo pIre’toq, Tu Mak Dagh Cha doh Borak
(sorry, no Hebrew found).
What worked?
Finally going to the doctor.
Next time I might…
Go to the doctor sooner. Ah yes, now that I know what a high fever feels like.
The hard, challenging , and mysterious:
-Throat closing up, not being able to breath.
-Pain. Fever.
-Not knowing where the heck this illness came from.
The good, reassuring, and delights…
-Knowing I am loved.
-Feeling better now.
-No guilt when ordered and prescribed complete and total bed rest.
-Realizing that I have been here, silent and not silent, since Friday chicken #67.
-Knowing I can actually, truly love someone I don’t know in my face to face world.
-The FUN Sweet Captcha app on Fluent Self comments!
Fifth anniversary? I’ve got high fives for those who want them. 🙂
What worked? Giving myself more time to get to things.
Next time I might: Pack even less, but bring an umbrella.
Hard:
* Covering 1700+ miles within 7 days. I don’t regret it, but it was exhausting.
* Wishing I was better at recognizing the right questions to ask, and when.
* Some disappointing news.
* Waiting for replies.
* Waiting for payment.
Good:
* Significant time with friends in five cities, including a meal at a pizza joint housed in what used to be an Orthodox shul that my companion used to attend.
* I’m better at conversing than I used to be. And there are classes and workbooks available…
* Pear cider.
* Some time among Roses of Sharon.
* Making time for walks and yoga
A superpower I want: rocking the green. Wearing it, growing it, harvesting it…
Warm wishes to all y’all.
Ch-ch-ch-ch-Chicken! (Turn and face the week…)
I think the Vicar’s band description is marvelous. Also, I did not know that there was a Gravy Belt, but it might go a long way towards explaining those mysteriously amazing hash browns I once had at a small hotel in Tennessee.
Oh, wow, this week. I may need a week to recover from this week.
What worked?
–Making things up as I went along.
–Compassing, with particular focus on true north.
–Singing, writing, acting — the usual suspects.
–Continually adjusting expectations, and mostly being okay with this.
Next time I might…
–Oh, lovingly nudge myself into the present moment more, I suppose. It isn’t always easy, but it nearly always seems to help.
Hard:
–Operation Relocation. It’s becoming a bit of an epic.
–Saying goodbye, over and over, to person after person, at a place where I’ve been working for nearly four years. So hard, in so many ways. Beautiful, too, because of all the love and appreciation, but oh, hard.
–Wishing I had done a few things differently.
Good:
–A thing I wished for many moons ago, thinking, “Oh, I would like that so much, but how is it even possible?” — this wish has unexpectedly come true. Blessing in disguise. Yes.
–A silver ring, and a lavender scarf.
–Progress. Palpable progress.
–I am so grounded these days. (I typed that last sentence, then realized that it might sound as if I’m saying that I am Permanently Punished, and that isn’t what I mean at all. I mean that I am strong and centered and steady.)
–Free snow cones. Sometimes, it’s the little things.
This week’s superpower: Liking the skin I’m in.
Next week’s superpower: Making old dreams new again.
Thank you for the salve, Havi, and thank you for five glorrrious years of Friday Chickening!
*throws blue and silver confetti that vanishes on touch into a breath of your favorite scent*
Happy 5th Year of Chickening! Thank you so much Havi for creating and modeling and verb-ing and being here on the blog for all these years. Thank you Chickeneers for being here on the boat.
A Thing That Worked: Sleeping on top of a giant pile of cushions and pillows. It’s my new crazy project to create one at home.
A Thing I Might Try: Setting reminders in GCal for things like refills and occasional happenings.
Hard Thing: Not enough sleeps, not even close.
AMAZING Thing: I went on a dance retreat at a local healing place, with the secret mission of dealing with financial limitations. During the retreat I learned that the thing that will make absolutely everything in my life better is creativity. To say that this was unexpected would be an understatement. When I left I was mildly bummed that I hadn’t come up with any concrete solutions.
The next day I checked my messages, and I got a better-paying job with more hours starting in just a few weeks.
Superpowers of this week: Trusting my intuition, and the unknown. Listening.
Superpowers of next week: More of the same, and a mix of Fun, Sovereignty, Beauty and Ease.
*rubs salve into sore spots*
Flowers! Happy fifth anniversary!
The good:
– the writing, all of the writing, coming together and plots meeting together and kissing each other.
– it has been sunny, but I have mostly not been too hot.
– cream soda with frozen raspberries and mint.
– in fact, mint. How is it so good?
– and the lavender waft that makes the horrible dual carriageway smell sweet.
– people who are looking after me.
– having a bathful of cold water ready to paddle in (my husband is a genius).
– cycling.
The hard:
– work politics. Working in politics.
– crush on someone I am not married to.
– unexpected electricity bill.
– if I do not have dinner by about eight o’clock, my brain explodes and I lose the evening.
What worked:
– I have everything I need
– drinking beer and laughing about it all
– having a target, but not minding if I miss it
– cycling with a broken saddle. I do not have to go fast. I really do not have to go fast. I just have to get home.
Fifth position: home base in ballet and the most challenging for the body of all basic leg positions, and yet, crucial for next levels of development. So Happy fifth!
May you turn out, build energy and reach new levels – if that’s what you want of course, 🙂
Picturing a chicken in fifth position…on the ground…in the air…
The difficult:
*Oh the not knowing, pool balls carooming across the table after I’ve aimed and taken a shot. Don’t know what’s going to go in which pocket, if at all. Sigh.
*Tension with AdMan due to the not knowing.
The good:
*The whole process of Trampolining (proxy) from idea to presentation was so different than ever before. Growth,yay!
*Meeting amazing generous people who open up to new ways of being and want to give back – no strings.
The mysterious:
– I want to find out how to Play. Which is hilarious, given that I was born knowing how to Play and in my natural element, Playing is all I do. So if all of that is true… let’s rephrase it to, I want to figure out what’s keeping me from Playing All of the Time and devise games around that. Yes.
– So hard to sleep, which usually never happens to me, but here we are. Going to bed absurdly late every night due to Netflix/being a jolly drunk and then getting up past noon and feeling groggy.
– The mystery of the monies.
– My hair really annoys me.
– So I have made SO much progress regarding the Mystery of the Annoying Pet but I was plunged back into Then a couple of times this week and that was not fun.
– The mystery of the Frat Boy.
– Some things about the OMBF are still so mysterious and I don’t know what to do about it. But at least I am remembering that every mystery I’ve encountered with the OMBF solves itself with time. Hey, it’s like that with every mystery in life!
The good:
– Operation MATH. I remembered about the Simone superpowers. Not sure what I need to do with it yet. But the remembering was hugely, hugely important.
– Spontaneous beach day with Helena and Sarah. All the beachy epiphanies.
– Helena, my bestest friend in the whole world, the way she is the most accidentally self-fluent person in the world and her sticky, messy, soul-sister love for me. I have it again (or, I always had it but remembered that I had it) and All Was Good, More Than Good, once again.
– Sarah who is a bundle of awesome, whose presence just makes me breathe a whole lot easier.
– The way Helena and Sarah just immediately fell in friend-love.
– Naya
– I have AWESOME friends.
– Air-conditioned room.
– Remembering how to PLAY
– Beginner’s Mind and all the ways in which it is the most awesome thing to remember
– Feeling desired and appreciated and adored while being seen for who I am.
– There are gods of the sexiness and they smile upon me all the freaking time and I never thank them enough. So, thank you.
– More than once this week, I looked in the mirror and whispered “love.”
Gobinda Hari, Chicken. So much love to you Havi for being the vision keeper and holder of the space, and the Chickeneer sangha, and to the practice for it’s ineffable richness and simplicity.
Hardnesses and mysteries
– stomach bug (with fever), followed by mastitis (with fever), followed by Little Lad getting the stomach bug (with fever AND chucky in the car, mmmmm fragrant drive home). Hoping for a change in this pattern tomorrow….
– not getting enough sleep or as much done as I would like, and questioning myself and shame
– I haven’t spoken to A or S for aaaaages and I miss them.
– stuckness about re-engaging in a few places I would like to. Maybe I don’t need to? Maybe they have served their purpose for right now? Could I be okay with that?
– many people find navigating the lived experience of dying very difficult and scary, and this makes me sad. I want to make a difference to this.
– I fear that when I speak my mind people experience it as more confrontational than I intend. How to juggle sovereignty and my desire to …not not-confront… not scare/trigger [recipient] into disengaging. This is mysterious.
– nervousness around making a phone call and dealing with money shtuff.
+ I can’t find my phone. YAWN yet also UGH.
Good and delightful
+ Wonderbaby is learning to talk and will repeat many words that you say to her. Cutest thing ever! ‘Frowrer’ is my favourite from today.
+ phone call and money shtuff went surprisingly well
+ rearranging my house will make the space much better, once I finish getting it organised…
+ seeing the crux of one issue from [relationship] and understanding it all so much more clearly.
+ home-cooked meals
+ insight into one part of my future business.
+ chickening.
<3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3
For my first Posted Friday Chicken Revue, and in honor of five years of Friday Chickens, by the Super Power of Extreme Metaphors –
Comedian A: What are metaphors?
Comedian B: Well, it’s the force that extends throughout all time, space and dimensions.
Both: Oooooh! Aaaah!
– I bring you the Cocks of the Walk reprising the opening number of my first Friday Chicken Revue which premiered on 5/31/13, strutting their stuff to the tune, New York, New York! (The dancers are twelve human-sized roosters with top hats and canes.)
What worked – Sharing Havi’s salve of Change Your Place, Change Your Fortune with The Dude, my husband. He received and accepted a job offer, WHAM booming my Gwish #2. So here are dancers, led by his favorite, with a little number called “He’s A Breadwinner!”
Having two conversations standing up without notes with my ProfOrg Prez and finding common ground.
Next time I might…
Not dither anxiously about having conversations, but craft the entrance and exit and find my cue.
The hard – Three days of ProfOrg meetings, eating wrong kinds of food, sitting funny and being too cold. Then having a headachy thing for another three days.
Also, dealing with the Monster With the Really Good Ideas for Havi. It didn’t settle down until it was imprisoned for trying to violate the Sovereignty Agreement between Havi and my dimensions.
The “just is” – Noticing two patterns. Writing a letter to The Quest, which turns out to be a sentient life form. Thanks, Havi for suggesting it. I had already written a couple of questions earlier this week. I will see if The Quest will answer now that we have opened communications.
The good – Two work rubber chickens WHAM-boomed. A rubber chicken is a task or project. They swell up and pop into confetti, or this month, fireworks. One virtual rubber chicken. My tennis racquet just swished through it.
Two new tools – the list for when I’m less than thrilled, but need to deal anyway and the OOD! I had searched the blog, but couldn’t find it and then Havi linked to it!
Claire’s gwishing gwell which is so beautiful, I would like to come drop my gold sparkly gwishes in it.
Cherries. Not a metaphor.
A large bouquet of roses to Havi, in appreciation, and smaller sparkly bouquets to all who post. A round of applause to all.
Wow, FIVE whole years of Chickening. The strength and superpowers of that are real and I feel them. Thank you!
Sending cheers, high fives and flowers from Beaufort, North Carolina, pirate capital of the Gravy Belt. XO
hoorah for 5 years!
the mysterious:
Friends, who are not really friends, berating me for not doing what they want when they want me to. Who would be friends with a berater? Who would be friends with someone they need to berate?
the heat. blergh. the weather people lying about the storms.
the good:
my jump-roping is getting better! this is not a metaphor.
untangling from the boy space. lopping off the vines that tried to creep back over. not picking up what isn’t mine.
friends! the real ones.
sore arms. sore everything.
getting and opening the mail every day!
clients!
the man at the bike shop with the power to fix what I broke and jammed up.
Five years!
High fives!
Five things I love about the Chicken:
Processing in community.
Perspective on my stuff gained from reading comments by others.
Wonderful expressive use of words.
Learning from what others do.
Being inspired by things like “cream soda with strawberries and mint”.
Five hard-challenging-mysterious things this week:
The mystery of the three-day week. Honestly, it feels like I lost several days this week.
The challenge of having a Sovereign Sleep Schedule that doesn’t fit neatly with the rest of the world.
The challenge of feeling anxious since I bought the Procrastination Dissolv-O-Matic, because some part of me isn’t ready to stop procrastinating.
The mystery of why I have not used the Emergency Calming Techniques to get past the anxiety.
The hard of losing my glasses. AGAIN.
Five yay-good-happy things this week:
Air conditioning, especially in the car
Having a social life again.
A childhood dream fulfilled.
Travel possibilities.
Ice in my drinks.
I feel an urge to do the chicken dance… 🙂 Yay five years!
Hard
-The painful and extreme attack of the oh-my-god-lonely
-Date cancelled
-Even the hips series didn’t help.
-20 hours in the office
-The budget realization of doom
-Holy heat, Batman.
-Dance class. I thought I wanted to teach. I don’t.
-Family thing. Always completely draining.
-Long Island traffic.
-Only 10 days left to pack up my entire apartment. Operation Get Out of Dodge (G.O.O.D.) looming large.
-Totally forgetting my morning chicken group on Thursday because of sleepover… and hearing my mom’s voice reminding me that I am a flake and need to grow up.
Good
-Realizing that the oh-my-god-lonely felt like the same one I had when I started accupuncture. And realizing that I had new flower essences. Accepting that even though it was still really painful and hard, it was probably just some stuck energy moving out. And it was.
-Saved by Simone!
-Sleepover! beach day! new friends!
-Two new clients! (who I don’t even *know*!)
-Remembering to check in with my forcefield during family stuff
-Inbox pause: my new favorite thing ever
-Helped someone do entry into a date and then the date was amazing!
-Rediscovering the Art of Embarking in my CD player. It’s resonating in all different ways six months or a year after last time I listened to it.
-Yoga happening. Good.
-Remembering that beautiful empty-brain state after doing [the thing formerly known as…] with S on the beach
-Traffic reminding me that car-free weekends are important to my general health and well-being.
-ZOMG I get like 3 car-free weeks in August! YES! (I keep almost typing care-free.. hah… interesting.)
-Operation A.S.K. and adding asks and connections to my personal weekly chicken.
-Actually doing my weekly chicken.
-Morning chicken group! Yowza!
-Line dancing on Thursday. Regardless of heat.
-Idaho in 2.5 weeks and Portal-Land in 3.5. SO. EXCITED.
Love to all the chickeneers!
Cheers, Chickeneers!
Google tells me that the traditional five-year anniversary gift is wood. So I’m imagining a big metaphorical tree with a swing and comfortable grass underneath for yoga-ing and shivanaut-ing and naps. With a shrubbery in the shape of a Chicken.
Hurrah for five years, and here’s to five more!
The hard things:
– too much heat and no air conditioning at the office
– the return of the mysterious “always-tired-except-when-headed-to-bed” pattern
– headaches that not even my magical essential oil can stop
– feeling miserable and irritable and just STUCK in every direction and not enjoying being where I’m at
The good:
– the Project is ticking along, bit by bit
– L and I went to the gardens and saw fireworks, which was lovely
– I got to ride on a carousel for the first time in my life! Whee!
– Work stuff clicking together nicely, where it is clicking together
– meetings with Agent J have been productive and encouraging and deeply validating
I’m off to take a nap under the Chicken Tree!