Where I cover the good and the hard in my week, visiting the non-preachy side of ritual and self-reflection.
And you get to join in if you feel like it.
So even though I’ve been doing this for five whole years (and a week!), sometimes it still happens that I get to Friday and think:
“Oof, what’s the point. I might as well just write “HEY THIS WEEK SUCKED, HOW WAS YOURS” and leave it at that.”
And then, eventually, I remember that it is the act of processing that is the ritual. And also what reminds me about the good. This is hilarious, since my sankalpa or intention this week was “I can see the good”.
So let’s look at what was, and maybe we will see the good. At the very least, we will have played, and that in and of itself is part of the good.
What worked?
SITE REDESIGN, you guys!
I’ve had the Fluent Self site since August 2005! This is our first redesign since putting the blog on the main page in 2008, and I am so excited!
This is so exactly what I need in my life right now! Newness. Spaciousness. Freshness. Clarity. New beginning. Starting. Sweetness. SPACE. Ahhhhhhhh breath of fresh air.
This has been in the works forever but has not been high priority because of [all the things], and then suddenly it was able to happen! This is a great example (for me) of how aesthetic changes impact my mood and my internal space.
Click through to take a look if you’re reading this in your email. And please share any qualities you see or add your happy joyful sighs to mine. I would like to celebrate this.
OODS. Seriously. Wow.
This week I had big projects missions that were kind of out of control.
Every time I got lost or overwhelmed, I used the OOD and got back to what I needed.
OOD-ing was a lifesaver.
The Grand Spiral Caper Divertissement!!!
In this week’s Very Personal Ads aka Visions of Possibility and Anticipation, I planted a wish that had something to do with a contest or a game.
What resulted was the Grand Spiral Caper Divertissement, pictured here, which now lives in an Undisclosed Secret Location.
Divertissement! You have to say it with an outrageously exaggerated French accent.
Agent Mueller and I are getting stuff done and ticking off boxes, which is the best part.
10 of the 42 squares are complete! This is way more fun than “this week we did an insane amount of work”.
Next time I might…
Remember that heat is hard on me.
It was a billion degrees (approximately) in Portal Land this week, and my body doesn’t like it. But mostly my mind doesn’t like it because of some really rough summers in Tel Aviv. I associate extreme heat with All The Hard Things.
Then I am hard on myself because I can’t function. This is silly.
As soon as I remember (see: the Book of Me) that heat makes me kinda crazed, I also remember to meet what I’m going through with legitimacy, patience, a little more sweetness.
Remember that Fire Drill days are releasing days.
Crying is just as good a form of release as anything else.
The hard, challenging and mysterious.
- A continuation of the impossibly busy dreams, except these were all super surreal and not related to The Current Stressful Situation.
- The Incident at the Agency. Which then grew into Trouble at the Agency.
- Trouble with both the quality of Agency, and with the Other Agency that my Agency is currently in connection with.
- Feeling wary and exhuasted about the above. There’s a leak? A mole? Does this go… all the way to the top?! It was all Burn Notice Season 6 in my head this week.
- Trying to meet this situation with compassion but also being so very much in my stuff about it.
- Monsters still going strong. Negotiations and safe rooms were needed.
- Not connected to what I want, second-guessing everything.
- The perception of attack. That word, it is not a good word. There were huge hacking attempts on this site during the week. Someone tried to hack into my Twitter account multiple times. This was a theme on various levels.
- Going out to dinner, I started to put on makeup and then thought, “Oh honey, you’re just going to cry it off in the next ten minutes anyway.”
- Space issues. And the business next door is using our entrance as their storage area, and apparently there is nothing we can do about that.
- Sad about my favorite cafe being knocked down.
- Beach day was not like beach day. The one thing in the world that is guaranteed to make everything better, being at my beloved Pacific Ocean, didn’t work. I went there and I didn’t feel better. I was there all day and cried all day. That has never happened before. I don’t even know what to think about this.
- None of my clothes fit anymore. They are all too large, thanks in part to the past eighteen months of One Spectacular Loss After Another, and the past few months of Oh Actually This Is Even Harder. Given a choice, I will take too large over too small, but right now I have nothing to wear and this is driving me crazy.
The good, reassuring and delights.
- The BUTTMONSTER ALPHABET CAROUSEL mission is going really, really well.
- And we’re almost done with it!
- Progress on Operation Siegfried the Magic Otter.
- The Spiral Caper Divertissement made work more fun this week.
- Walking in the park with Agent Mueller.
- M. LeBlanc arranged a vehicle and took me to the coast for Surprise Beach Day. Even though I was going through a lot of grieving and cried the entire time, it was still really beautiful.
- Also we made a bonfire and burned a bunch of things that needed to be burned. May everything that is done be done. And that was good.
- Dance.
- A heart full of appreciation, gratitude and love for so many things.
- A letter from Marisa-in-Colorado that was so beautiful it made me cry. Happy tears, we are switching it up!
- Julie, my dance instructor, said I have sexy feet. I don’t know how to describe what a mind-blowing moment this was so just imagine that someone thinks [a part of your physical appearance that you have stuff about] is marvelous. It was weird and good.
- Even though I wasn’t able to make Tuesfau with the Vicar, I am so happy to have the Vicar in my life.
- I am here, and — most of the time, at least — happy to be here, breathing into it, even when it’s hard.
- I was able to see how my Stuff and someone else’s Stuff were functioning as plug and outlet, and work on my part of it.
- Interrupting patterns.
- Saying what I want/need and having that be okay.
- New photo for the new site. Richard took it in the park on his phone, and I am feeling good about it, and that is a nice way to feel.
Superpowers!
A superpower I had this week…
The superpower of play.
And a superpower I want next week.
The superpower of finding the good.
Salve.
This week’s salve is the salve of however it turns out, it’s going to be okay.
Trust and release.
This salve is sweetly reassuring. You don’t really notice the difference until all of a sudden, everything is okay because it just is. This is how things are right now, this is you receiving, adjusting sails. You blink through the tears and smile and breathe. It’s going to be okay.
These salves can’t be seen, but the production factory delivered enough for distribution by way of the magic of the internet, so help yourself. There is enough.
Playing live at the meme beach house — the Fake Band of the Week!
Background. Ez and I make up bands. Stu (retired Bolshevik-fearing voice-to-text software) once invented hanging out at the Meme Beach House“. It’s just one guy.
This week’s band is:
Mitten Full Of Crazy
Thanks, Richard. I’m assuming they’re from Michigan. And since I am also from Michigan, I am going to assume that it’s a rockabilly band made up of people I went to high school with.
Except that makes no sense, because it’s actually just one guy.
Hallo Hallo! I am saying Hallo Hallo. ANNOUNCEMENT.
I will have the new HAT up by Sunday!
In the meantime, I will remind you about the shop and the Sail of Emptying.
That’s it for me …
Join my Friday ritual in the comments if you feel like it. Or call silent retreat!
We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. And we don’t give advice (unless people specifically ask for it).
Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.
Shabbat shalom.
p.s. It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — join in whenever (or not) and it’s no big deal.
Follow
you are cool.
((silent retreat)) + painting some words =
happy environment. growing grass…. green green grass on my side of a fence. ocean on the other side of the fence. me, in a handstand.
(silent Retreat))
I am enjoying the freshness of this new-looking space!
Oh, week, weeeeeeeeeeeeek. Let me think about this.
What worked?
–Doing the next thing.
–Remembering, from time to time, that doing nothing is a perfectly legitimate and helpful next thing. And then doing it.
Next time…
…I want to put something fun and zesty and zany on the to-do list, each and every day (dammit!).
Challenging and mysterious:
–Uncomfortable moments of agitation, in which my chest was tight and I felt as if my heart were being squeezed.
–What is the plan? There is no plan!
–Wart removal ointment. This is new to me, and it stings. And are these even warts, anyway?
Reassuring and delightful:
–Standing up for myself.
–Accomplishing things, every day.
–Finding the exact book I was hoping to find, a used copy, at a great price.
–I am loved.
–I discovered a very cool new-to-me store and gallery, and in that place, I saw something I wanted to buy. I decided to wait, and not to buy it right away, and to think about it, and to be sure. And now I am sure, and tomorrow, I am going to go back and buy it. And all of this is so very satisfying!
This week’s superpower: Sheer stubbornness.
Next week’s superpower: I soften, and ease is everywhere.
Cheers, Chickeneers! Thanks for the salve, Havi — and also for the existence-verifying sushi! There is something very Zen about that, somehow.
Love the new site!
Okchicken:
What worked:
Not pushing
Nature time
Netflix
Swimming
So hot!
What didn’t work:
Dairy, dairy, you don’t work!
The hard:
Awful conversation
Still healing from the very bad punitive discriminatory thing that happened
Too hot, cooped up, pool is like icky bath water
The good:
Friends who help
Rest
Oh! My new excellent Stonemason who loves the idea of the beautiful wall I am building and is just this gorgeous, wonderful being, all the yays
Dog is ok, says vet
Dog gets her prosthetic foot soon!
I got inspired by my new Beautiful Wall concept to go back in to the other beautiful thing that got so traumatized recently
Mrs. F
Superpower I had: slowly healing
Superpower I want: magic wonderful fast results
Hugs to you, Havi.
And a bunch of the most beautiful flowers, in case they still make everything better.
Havi, the new design feels spacious and new, like moving into a new house and taking your most beloved belongings with you. So sorry for the hard — sending support in whatever form is most useful right now. And humming with pleasure that you are finding the good in a week that sucked hard.
@ Kathleen! “…I want to put something fun and zesty and zany on the to-do list, each and every day (dammit!).” Brilliant! That is going in my VPAs!
What worked:
Rest and more rest
Processing
Next time I might:
Consult the Book of Me sooner
The Hard:
– learning about patterns
– overdue library books: the due date sneaked up on me
– stupid sinus thing
– lack of energy
The Good:
+ learning about patterns
+ Wednesday class
+ taking the Monday class on a field trip
+ medication review with pharmacist
+ the internet
+ the library, the bookstore, and my personal library
May all who chicken find peace.
Ooh la la, le self fluent, c’est tres chic, mais non?! Mwah, mwah, mwah.
Je suis butchering le language de francaise, je suis tres desolee, je ne parles pas le francaise tres bien. L’obviously. Mais je suis sitting at home en Saturday night entertaining myself. Tres desolees! A France, much of Canada, large sections of Africa, French Polynesia, Tahiti and everyone with a proper education, unlike MOI! Je suis blaming ca title de la blog post. Je do what je am told, tu see?
Le things d’hard….
– le business, non, le busy-ness. Tres busy, c’est difficile. Mais non, c’est different, et CA est difficile.
– le mystery de missing textbooks et administrative staff tres stupid. Alors! (I can’t remember what ‘alors’ actually means but I’m using it like ‘gah!’. Stay with me here…)
– l’anxiete. C’est creeping around l’edges. Et le mystery de resistance to le things de helpfulness. Pour quoi est ca? *le sigh*
– hiver, c’est tres chaud. Non, chaud = hot. Ummm…hiver est …. COLD. Je suis un reptile, je ne function pas tres bien en hiver.
– le cashmonies. Je suis en spendthrift peut-etre. Je ne sais pas, je ne sais pas how much cashmonies j’ai en vrais.
Le things de bonne!
+ Wham Boom et Yay Trucks a quarante deux things, avec nombre quarante deux est ‘everything else’. C’est many things!
+ Le desk et le room de lounge (et play) est clean et functional et rearranged et spacious et belle. J’ai un printer nouvelle et functioning. Je suis tres grown up!
+ Le boots d’hiver! Les pieds chaud!
+ Je suis keeping on top of l’anxiete etc, avec Operation Tap That Shit (et YAWNING! Oui, yawning est tres helpful!)
+ Le laundry system nouvelle, c’est working so far.
+ Lad Petit et Bebe de Wonder, les coeur de mes couer. Le grandmere, je suis tres blessed pour la support de grandmere.
Ca suffit. Cluck cluck voila cluck.
Mwah!
PS – resubmitting via Safari because Sweet Captcha isn’t showing up on Firefox 22.0 xoxoxo Thank goodness the error message lets you go back without losing the text you’ve typed into the comment field!! <3 (I am dragging a speaker to Mr Director, lol!!)
Wow, this is beautiful! I’m giggling because I did something similar over on my site, although totally unplanned. And I’ll probably keep bashing around in there. But this is nice, and I love the synchronicity of that.
You know that word that rhymes with “flaweductivity?” It is my least favorite English word. But I am going to try saying it with an outrageous French accent. I hear that is what they do in Senegal, in the help centers. Put on outrageously rich rolling plummy Parisian accents. I like to imagine them having the Most Fun Ever at their jobs.
Basically, secret agents.
Your new profileportraitpicture is delicious. You are so fucking beautiful! xoxox.
Love the clean new easy to read flowing space!
Your comment about how it makes you feel because you have nothing to wear particularly jumped out at me. I have a style advice site and that’s something I write about regularly. There is resonance between our inner and outer selves, so it’s hard to feel complete inner joyfulness when our clothes don’t bring us that same joy.
Not for nothing do they call it “shopping therapy” 😉 I won’t impose advice, but I’ll plant a little seed of what could be: wearable sunshine, a new fun thing to adorn yourself with.
Love your new photo, too. Sometimes the portraits we don’t plan to have taken are the best ones!
Yay! Loving the new design. Fetching and stylish.
Also, I cannot wait for the HAT. I’m so looking forward to it, and I don’t even know what it is!
I have been admiring the new picture and the new “what we do.” Bouquets to all!
What worked? Bringing just one book.
Next time, I might: choose to sit out.
Hard…
Clients in arrears. Not cool, guys.
Half-moon pose weirdly getting harder.
Bedroom scale WTF.
Baffling non-responses to queries.
Mildew. Yuck.
Good…
Running water.
Ice water.
In better shape than at the start of the month, scale notwithstanding.
Vancouver reservations made.
Using things up (mustards, flosses) = reassurance that I am not my mother.
Calling on the superpower of alignment: at rehearsal, in the studio, with ruler and pencil…
Warm wishes to all. *boogies down to Mitten Full of Crazy*
Hugs and flowers to Havi and the other chickening mice!
Oh man this week. I am having so much resistance to chickening. But here we go anyway.
What worked?
– Showing up. Showing up always works.
– Showers. Showers always work too.
– Making lists.
– Not-adderall.
– Writing things down. By hand. With pencil.
– Actually nothing is wrong and I’m “killing it”
– I read Michael Port but only by assuming a secret spy identity.
Next time I might try…
– Remembering about channeling H and not taking myself too seriously.
– More entry and exit! including Doing It Wrong!
– More of an awareness of Doing It Wrong is Doing It Right.
The mysterious
– Evolving configuration with complicated homo sapien friend. Coming, going, loving, leaving, trusting, not knowing, getting my tummy full and heart semi-broken. It’s not even BAD or acutely painful, just a never-ending challenge. An endless puzzle.
– Complicated homo sapien friend reminding me of all the ways I perceive that I am Doing Life Wrong.
– Hibernating. Being a bear in the summer. Are we done yet?
– Clews not showing up. “You’re Terrible with Clews” monsters.
– So wanting to be done with having a painful relationship with food and feeling really, really stuck.
– People believe crazy hilarious sad illusions about themselves and I begin to believe it with them when in their company. I don’t want to carry other people’s stuff. I let it go, and instead of absorbing other people’s stuff, I radiate love to them.
– “You’re a Pathetic Naive Little Spoiled Brat” monsters were extra loud this week.
– “What’s the point?”
The delightful, the reassuring
– A couple of client sessions that gave me exactly the confidence boost I needed. “Are you a PhD?” “No.” “Are you a psychologist?” “Nope.” “Well, you’re just as good as one.” regardless of the content of feedback, thank you for the reminder that, hey! yes! you are meant to be doing this and you’re not doing it wrong. Keep going. Keep going. Yes, please. More.
– I felt beautiful and sexy.
– There is so freaking much to be grateful for.
– New friends.
– And old friends!
– Cherries.
– Let’s face it, I’m a baller.
– I am learning all the important things from Incoming Me. She is radiant and laughs at herself a lot and is done hibernating. She is sensitive and strong and heart-ful even while being heartbroken. She is full of faith and lets things roll off her sexy, tanned back.
– Remembering why I’m liberal. And then remembering why I’m also conservative and this made total sense.
– An ever-deepening awareness of this, too, shall pass, it’s all a game, isn’t it fascinating, so breathe.
Looking around and smiling at the beautiful new space.
The Hard & Mysterious:
A not-so-good date and wondering if something was wrong with me for being so prickly and uncomfortable.
A good maybe great date and wondering when he’ll get in touch with me.
An email from the ex, 2 years too late.
The Good:
Settling into the not knowing.
Feeling glad to want something.
Having time and space to nap.
Oh, Havi! I love the new site! Love, love, love. All the flowers and heart-sighs for you.
Super quick, because it’s turning out to be zombie night (not in the “We’re going to watch zombie movies” way, because that would actually be awesome):
(Agatha Christie) Mysteries:
• Tired. So, so tired. Not allowing enough time for sleep, and when I did, not actually being able to sleep. Even saying to my brain, “Sweetie, that’s really great, and we’ll talk about it later, but right now the best thing for us both is for you to let me sleep” didn’t help at all. Wheels just churned harder.
• Technical difficulties. ‘Nuff said.
• A big, huge response to Launch. Huge. It felt like drowning, which was unpleasant enough, and then I had all sorts of monsters saying things like, “You shouldn’t feel overwhelmed, you should feel lucky!” All the shoulds.
• Feeling like I don’t deserve the huge response, because because because. Ugh, enough already, you monsters! Time out! Go to your separate hammocks!
• Body dysmorphia. People asking me for photos, not understanding that *I offer sketch-selfies so that I don’t have to see myself in photos.* Hard, hard, hard.
(Turkish) Delights:
• LAUNCH! Oh, it happened at last! After so many months of careful duck alignment, it happened! Pretty much exactly how I hoped it would! So, so happy that my tiny sweet thing is now out in the world.
• The thing that launched (I first wrote “lunched!” Maybe that is a clew…) is the thing I worked on at Rally! and I really think that Rally planted all of the seeds. Hugh hand-on-heart sigh for the power of Rally and the Playground and Stompopolis and Havi and this whole world you’ve created here. Such gratitude.
• HUGE response to launch! My tiny sweet thing got picked up by big blogs and attracted all sorts of followers instantly. I’m overwhelmed by it all, but my heart is so full of joy I’ve been smiling all week.
• Remembering that all timing is the right timing. That this is my bus (or isn’t). That helped so much this week.
• Met a kindred spirit today that I am just so smitten with.
Superpower: I dunno. I feel like I lacked superpowers, that everything was bigger than little old me. Maybe the superpower of This is Right?
Superpowers I want: Everything falls into place as it should. The last remaining mysteries are suddenly solved.
Cheers, Chickeneers!
Love the new site – very spacious and light and airy.
New space! It’s lovely and spacious. Is there a champagne-smashing ritual for website updates the way we do with boats? *ca-ching*
Ok procristi-chicken. I know it’s a zombie day, but let’s go.
Mysterious mysteries:
– Watching “True Blood” every Sunday has been a ritual for me for several years; a reason to curl up in bed and watch vampires. Now, the show has taken all kinds of turns that I don’t like, and I no longer get any pleasure from watching it. I’m sad to see this end.
– Blowing through so much pain-from-then, and stuckness from old stuff. I am grateful that things are moving and dissolving and thawing, but it also hurts a lot.
– I promised to do something for someone on my own time, and now they suddenly have a deadline to meet, so they are passing on that deadline to me. I do not like this.
– People I am attached to are behaving selfishly and are oblivious to the needs of others. It’s not my job to fix them, or judge them, but I’m still upset about the way our interactions are playing out.
– Drinking so much water. Using my remedy stuff. Using painkillers if necessary. Still had a headache every day this week. 🙁
Excellent Things:
– Swimming again! Oh, I have missed this.
– Tired, but with physical exhaustion rather than mental exhaustion. I’ve also missed this.
– Getting some valuable information about incoming me and she is so incredibly badass.
– Meeting with Agent J turned over more ground.
– I am more than my illnesses. I am more than my pain.
– Getting so many things cleared away and organized and zennified at work.
– “I’ll figure it out”
– Playing with the dog, who gets better every week.
– Playing with Niki.
– BattleStar Galactica. Loving every minute.
– Long story short: Someone posted on a “missing pet alert” facebook group about a found dog that I recognized from my previous job. I went back to my old workplace and got the owner’s name and telephone number and passed that along to animal control. The next day, I heard that the puppy had been reunited with his owner! Yah!
Happy weekend chickeneers!
Love the new look! Hugs to all!
oh week, freaking weeeeeek:
l’hard:
-visit to Miami which include Ugly Thing X. that has left a huge wound
-the Night of Mayhem Phone calls, Holy moly!
-dear friend victimized by a violent crime
-too tired to do Fulll Moon observance, or take kids to Full Moon walk. youngest chld flipped out over this. suck-tacular.
-and in just the past hour–massive plumbing leak into the living room. husband despondent, angry, belittling and scolding, as i race wround to put down buckets and towels. not sure how this is my fault.
-pretty sure this has ratfucked any plans I had for tomorrow and no doubt he will just as mean in the morning
the sparkle;
-glad the kids are home
-love where i live
-saw old friends on friday
-beautiful weather.
-i have saved the lawn and now the lilies are blooming (finally)
-despite no Full Moon walk, I took the angry 6yearold to the park and we watched the Moon come up. we saw it justa s it cleared the horizon, watched it go from pink, to gold to ivory.
-transitioning back to our regular schedules, feels peaceful and grounding.
-i understand now why i felt restraint about sunday;s workout or dance class. glad i did not commit (non-refundable)
-the mulitple drips from the ceiling have stopped but oh gawds i fear how much the rest is gonna suck
-i’m so grateful to have this community, and these rituals. Thank you Havi and all the chickeners!
–
Hugs for the hard! (if you want them)
LOVE for the new design!
It feels to me to be streamlined, spacious, elegant, alive and most of all CLEAR. I also find it easier to read, like the words are somehow more ripe for the picking.
I’m so glad I made you cry! No, wait, that’s not right. I’m glad I fell under the good, instead of the hard. 🙂