Where I cover the good and the hard in my week, visiting the non-preachy side of ritual and self-reflection.
Oh, chicken chicken chicken. I needed you this week!
This week I learned all kinds of fascinating things about what my Stuff is. And I did not like this one bit, but I am also feeling pretty appreciative for all this new information I have.
So let’s start there.
What worked?
Talking to Upset Me.
Upset Me was so upset!
Once I talked to her, I really understood why she was upset, and it made so much sense that she would be feeling that way.
And then, she ended up comforting me.
Establishing a routine.
I was off on a mission in Central Oregon, and feeling out of my element.
Once rituals were in place (morning walk, dance class, shower before bed!), everything felt better.
Recognizing claustrophobia and giving it a name.
This week I dealt with some things I never have to deal with.
Claustrophobia, allergies, being unexpectedly on the receiving end of some unanticipated jealousy. Being in a fight, of sorts, with someone that I am normally very close to.
Naming helped me isolate and map some patterns.
Next time I might…
Schedule alone-time before I fall apart.
The last time I had this little time to myself was thirteen years ago.
I saw and felt it coming from way far away, the moment of I NEED SPACE AND I NEED IT RIGHT THIS SECOND, and I didn’t act quickly enough. Because of another pattern that has to do with wanting to placate.
Anyway, alone-time for Havi Bell!
Eight breaths of hard, challenging and mysterious.
- Central Oregon and I did not get along on this trip. Allergies, mosquito bites, weird rash on my face, bruised ankle. Ugh. A breath for my poor sweet body and the discomfort we experienced.
- Claustrophobia. The physical kind and the emotional kind. Unexpected. I’d imagined I’d experience [mission] as cozy, snug and contained, all things I like. But it turns out I go a little crazy in small spaces, and also in perceived tightness. A breath for needing spaciousness.
- No time/space for yoga/being yoga. Either it was 90 degrees or there were red ants or swarms of gnats or being in a certain space turned out to be a PTSD trigger. A breath for this.
- Work stress. Did not get to work on any of my writing projects. No progress at all on Operation Wall of Squoosh, which was supposedly the main thrust of the mission. A breath for this.
- Wednesday. Took the day off from work/over-work to dedicate it to Pleasurable Things Only. Instead had a misunderstanding/fight with a fellow agent and spent the whole day talking it out and crying. Fun fun fun. A breath for easing pain.
- Not sleeping well. Hating geese and coyotes, who were making ungodly amounts of noise while I was not sleeping. A breath for environment.
- Spoon feeding. I dislike doing it and resent that I have to. Deep breath for having to do something I don’t enjoy.
- Inhale, exhale. Goodbye, mysteries and hard moments of this week.
Eight breaths of good, reassuring, delight-filled.
- I got to take classes with my very-favorite-teacher in the world of [super embarrassing thing]. I am not crazy about being in Bend, but I am so crazy about her! Being near her is inspiring! I am in awe. Breath of appreciation and adoration.
- Some good news is I did NOT set the trailer on fire when I knocked over a tea light (it self-extinguished!). Less good news: wax all over my phone, including the bit where it plugs in to the charger and the little openings there. But then the good is that a toothpick fixed everything. A breath for things being okay. And for toothpicks at the diner.
- The Floop. I processed so much and the most remarkable things happened, including a small-and-vital miracle when I asked for it. A breath for community.
- Big huge wild progress on Operation Where I’m At (wham boom! this op is done!) and Operation 888! A breath for completion, and also immense gratitude to Agent W. who sat with me all day in the library three days in a row.
- The under four minute mile! Not actually a mile. But I got surprised by a really great surprise, and part of the surprise was that it took less time than it does to make soft-boiled eggs. A happy breath for sweetness and the feeling of being knocked off your feet by delight.
- The McGill sit-up. Not a proxy. An actual sit-up. I ended up being in the same room as something called an “ab challenge”. If you know me at all, you know that this would hold ZERO appeal for me. But I was feeling super cocky, and thought: “I may not care about sit-ups but I do a ridiculous amount of yoga, so bring it.” 85 second plank? Why not. Anyway, I did a thing I wouldn’t normally touch with a ten foot pole, and I learned this new (to me) kind of sit-up! And even though I still think sit-ups are stupid, I liked this. A breath for being surprised and trying new things.
- Something I was dreading (or at least: not looking forward to) went surprisingly smoothly and pleasantly, with the help of a bottle of wine. A breath for ease.
- Gorgeous moon. Outrageous sunsets, and a spectacular sunrise. A breath for beauty and sharing it with someone you love.
Superpowers!
A superpower I had this week…
I had the superpower of Miracles on Milagrotag. Which is really the superpower of conscious entry, and of asking-and-receiving. I whispered “miracles, miracles”.
And the superpower of melting imaginary snowballs with adoration and presence.
And the superpower of waiting calmly until the very last second and then smoothly outbidding everyone on eBay, and still getting the thing I needed at a fraction of the price.
Pretty great superpowers.
And a superpower I want next week.
Trust and spaciousness. And more whispering.
Salve.
I want to share the compass I made this week. Eight qualities I was wishing for on Milagrotag. This gave me comfort while whispering “miracles, miracles”, and maybe it will bring you comfort to.
This week’s salve is made of everything here:
- North. Ease. A sense of ease. A knowing of ease. A trusting of ease. And of Es. Trust the Es!
- Northeast. Sustenance. I am cared for. I am grounded. I am stable. I am nourished and nurtured. I am sustained.
- East. Prosperity. Even when things are edge-tough like they are now, I have access to what I need and I can flourish and thrive. Things are changing. Let this be so.
- Southeast. Contentment. I feel at peace with what I have and where I’m at, no matter what the news is (I hope I like it!), let it be so.
- South. Plenty. There is plenty. There is enough. There is more than enough. There is plenty of time, space, resources, good news, spaciousness, breathing room. Haha, the conflict I had with my fellow agent this week is a reflection of my perception of tightness/claustrophobia/lack-of-space. Tightness is a lie. So let me come back to a sense of plenty.
- Southwest. Appreciation. May I appreciate everything I have. May I know that I am appreciated and loved. May my life fill with appreciation.
- West. Receptivity. Let me be receptive to good news. Let me receive. Let me let myself receive.
- Northwest. Peace. Let this whole day be infused with peace. Quiet peace. Joyful peace. Peace for everyone in the cafe who wants some. Peace for everyone in Bend who wants some. Peace for everyone in the world who wants some. Let peace spread and prevail, readily available to anyone who is willing to have it.
Anyway, may it be so.
These salves can’t be seen, but the production factory delivers enough for distribution by way of the magic of the internet, so help yourself. There is enough.
Playing live at the meme beach house — the Fake Band of the Week!
Background. Ez and I make up bands. Stu (retired Bolshevik-fearing voice-to-text software) once invented hanging out at the Meme Beach House“. It’s just one guy.
This week’s band:
Marlene O. C. Dietrich
Just one guy.
Hallo Hallo! I am saying Hallo Hallo. ANNOUNCEMENT.
There are two spots left in the May Rally. (Rally!)
Grab them.
And for a not-that-much-more, for one more day, you can get access to as many Rallies as you want between this September and next.
That’s it for me …
Join my Friday ritual in the comments if you feel like it. Or call silent retreat!
We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. And we don’t give advice (unless people specifically ask for it).
Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.
Shabbat shalom.
p.s. It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — join in whenever (or not) and it’s no big deal.
Follow
This week. Do I even remember it? I know I don’t particularly to. Let’s see what I can figure out about it.
OH RIGHT. That’s where we started.
A breath of grounding for Friday, when I mowed the lawn with a riding mower.
A breath of buttssqueeze for Saturday, when I found new perfect playground jeans.
A breath of solitude for Sunday, when I could finally get 10 min to myself.
A breath of patience for Monday, in which I thought that another person thought I did it wrong, but in fact I didn’t.
A breath of fresh air for Tuesday, when school started and yay a new opening for dynamite kid.
A breath of awesomeness for Wednesday, when Hestia kicked ass.
A breath of badassery for Thursday, when Artemis kicked ass.
And a breath of CLOSURE for this week, the last week before fall routines are all in place.
Friday Chicken, let us check in.
1. Examining an old pattern while wearing the new version of this costume. Data suggests that the old pattern STILL doesn’t work very well. Breathing in patience, breathing out tiiiiime.
2. My Cassandra Complex was massively triggered by Agent I, who didn’t want to hear me Speak Truth because [reasons]. And I responded with my Cassandra frustration pattern because I’m actually afraid of doing what needs to be done to prevent my need to Speak Truth in the first place.
Agent I doesn’t wish to hear Truth and this has consequences for other agents and I really want to be the kind of person who can just set things up so Truth and all the agents are taken care of without the need for Agent I or anyone else to AGREE to Truth.
But I’m not there yet and so I just play Cassandra instead and bitch about how unfair it is the god’s cursed me to always tell the truth and never be believed and feel powerful in my anger. Instead of genuinely claiming my real power and putting Truth calmly out of harms way. So people can either operate from within a reality of Truth, or leave us alone.
I’m working on it. Breathing in permission. Breathing out commitment.
3. End of winter is dragging on. Little Lad is thin and tired and edge-of-sick. As usual. I am without the things I know work to help this situation. Again. Breathing in trust. Breathing out devotion.
4. Are my needs and sensitivities getting more bigger/unweildy/demanding, or am I just more aware of my shifting internal sensations? My needs get clearer and it feels like the future oasis where we all get enough to drink recedes. Breathing in courage. Breathing out trust.
5. I found the muggle version of one of my favourite metaphors. Potentially I could smuggle the glitter deep inside the hallowed halls and ivory towers just by talking about it in muggle language. Very spy like! I probably won’t. Although I might end up converting a few ivory insiders to the glittery cause. One day. I think it’s funny/weird/just like me that I start a mission thinking I’m bound to turn up something adequate I can tack together some time within the next three years and within a MONTH I find the most perfect solution already in progress. Pow! Breathing in joy. Breathing out contentment. And purpose. Purposeful contentment. Contended purpose. Contented porpoise. I am a contented porpoise. Yes.
6. Transition in labour. When the endless waves of will-it-ever-end fog transitions to clear-eyed, sometimes devastatingly daunted, nonetheless oh-so-powerfully channelled and focussed commitment to the next hard bit. A different sort of hard bit. But much closer to the bit where it’s all done and you are through the passage. A friend of mine. I think she’s in transition. I hope so. Breathing in faith. Breathing out faith.
7. Systems fun with Agent Pontini. Nine pointed obsessiooooon! Breathing in companionship. Breathing out sparkles. (I’m like, Disney Princess deva channel! Sparkles!)
8. The spirit of Eight in the world, unfettered and unbalanced, has created much suffering and confusion and pain. But there are many tiny revolutions sprouting though the earth, all over the globe. I see clues everywhere. We are near the end of this meme, and the beginning of the next. I feel it. Boycott bullshit. Occupy your life. Love harder. Breathing in confidence. Breathing out dedication.
Om shanti, y’all. xoxoxoxo
Also – buttmonster parliament. It’s a thing!
Ahhh Friday, how I love you!
Today I feel very grateful for:
-no hip pain, no limp, FULL range of motion and mobility. been a few weeks.
-keeping my fridays off. just when i had come to make peace with losing them, they were restored to me. thank you Universe secretly conspiring to make me happy and shower me with blessings.
what worked this week: Breathing, NOt-tweaking, One More Thing, good well-tending. yoga nidra!! Compassing a lot.
next time: more sober, more sleep, more veggies.
a breath for Back2Skool which was hectic and exhausting, and lasted for DAYS. also i’m the only one who can take care of it, leading to the narrative of I do all the Work
a breath for projects in crunch at work and running out of ganas for them
a breath for Atlanta etc
a breath for that circle I really should not have gone to last sunday. a breath for allowing msyelf to be talked ut of not going, and sveeral for the icky, triggery-ness of it all. a breath for the judgement and discomfirt afterwards.
a breath for the youngst kid coming down with a summer cold the FIRST DAY of school. argh
a bretah for too lil sobriety, movement and sleep.
There was a lot of good in the week too:
-easier transition to school this year forboth kids, having the back2skool routine go smoothly
-the SuperPower of Doing Brahmari and miracles happen!
-yeah, miracles. happening.
-taking a long break from puppy fun and having that be very good, and coming back to puppy time in a more conscious and delibrate way and having that be good too
-things are very good with my marriage, and since the camping Trip of Sleet and Doom, the girls are more helpful.
-really love Compassing in the morning and using it all day. Lots of info!!
Hmmmm. *planning to peek cautiously and curiously and hopefully at McGill situps*
What worked?
* trying things on (while being picky enough not to buy them)
* simplifying lists and plans
Next time?
* Take more notes? Take fewer notes? *clutches hair*
* Agree to less. Throw out more.
Hard, annoying, etc.:
* incompetent clerk wasting my time
* my own incompetence wasting my time
* itchiness, especially during haircut
* that “did I say something wrong? did I fail to do the right thing?” queasiness
* world, why so awful to women?
* not being able to spare time to [m] and then dreaming about it at length. not restful.
* mysterious bumps
* eye cream stinging my eyes. ugh.
Good, reassuring, etc.
* great haircut–and the stylist didn’t push me to make small talk.
* wicked photography
* making chive pancakes
* arugula does grow fast!
* I’m about to sneak “spankings” into a birthday sonnet. Heh.
* being amusing. feeling adored.
* something I kept for sentimental value ended up being perfect for a project this week
* studying
Warm wishes and fountains of bouquets to all y’all. Shabbat shalom.
Amazing and beautiful: I thought a lot about my VPA this week, but never put enough words together to add my comment to that post — and now it turns out that this week’s salve contains everything I was trying to ask for, and then some. <3
Today is a hard day. Challenging and mysterious, indeed. Oh, but it is still a Friday, so let me try and play.
A thing that worked: Writing.
Next time: …I don't know. I don't know. So, maybe next time, I can give myself permission not to know.
A hard, challenging and mysterious thing: The screen on my new phone stopped working. The replacement arrived a day later, but is having issues that could not be resolved with a call to customer service. I'll have to take it to a store's repair department tomorrow. I'm supposed to be driving to South Carolina next Friday to be with the Wizard for our silver wedding anniversary, and I'm going to want my phone. I feel silly feeling so upset about all of this — but I guess I'm a camel, and here is my back, and this is the straw.
A good, reassuring and delightful thing: My daughter started her freshman year of high school. It's a new adventure, and I get to share it with her and support her.
This week's superpower: The softening breath.
Next week's superpower: I smile, and everything is lighter.
I got back from the Secret Writing Retreat that was also a Choir Tour, and I had a little cry because I like my job and I like my choir, and I don’t want to leave them. And I said I wanted a job to come up in the Other Region, and it did, and so I am going to go for it.
I ask for things, and I get them? Perhaps I should ask for more things.
Cheers, Chickeneers!
In my planner, I note “Fri Chicken” to remind myself to write this. It makes me salivate every time I read it.
Since the last Chicken:
What worked – Doing the phone call that caused me to find Havi’s site in the first place. I treated the customer service agent just like a monster – we’re on the same side, ask what does she need to know, get her name, show respect and appreciation, share the appreciation with her superior or on a survey. This resulted in a new phone plan that saves us a small chunk of money every month.
WHAM Boom!
Celebrating the good, taking The Dude out to dinner on our first month’s savings.
Appreciating without the “but now you have to do this…” thoughts. Hm, But(t) Monsters?
Next time I might…
Remember the WHAM Boom! high.
Also worked, having a conversation with The Wall of Dread. It protects me from hurt caused by my taking risks with people. Permitting myself to love myself, unconditionally, is the passkey. We are still in conversation. (I no longer “talk to”. I have “conversations with”.)
The hard – The news from Havi’s dimension caused a wet blanket to drop on my shiny gold Gwish #1 – to attend a Rally. There was grief in the green room and my former-monsters, now Crew, were very kind. Group hug.
What worked: Past Me had made a massage appointment for the evening I got the news, and being massaged was very helpful. And starting a collage called Waving the Magic Bus Goodbye.
Also hard – Losing my Identity Papers. Along with having plumbers in and The Dude home sick, I hit an anxiety high that depressed my appetite. The Dude found them in the other bag I was carrying the previous evening. Thanks to the Producers. The monsters were silent during this.
I am much less anxious that I was before I started following you, Havi. I have not had an episode of “head-spinny eye-twitchy” since. I Do Not think it is A Coincidence.
The “just is” – Noticing two patterns. Writing a letter to The Quest, which is a sentient life form. Thanks, Havi, for suggesting it. Opening investigations into Patterns, Quest, Rituals and Structure, (PQRS); Entrances and Exits; Props and Visiting the River at the Famous Fictional Detective Investigation Agency whose lead detective changes every month.
The good – After I read Havi’s post on the #1 thing that keeps you from making changes, I found out that the most dreaded rubber chicken I was facing was virtual, I WHAMmed one (Confetti!) and hit the one on an elastic band that I can finish off now that it has snapped back to me.
I am now Director of the [Silent Retreat] Iguana Sanctuary and in charge of the Iguana Release Program. So now, I identify iguanas that need to be kept in Sanctuary habitats (file folders, scanned etc.), ones that can be given away, pure-bred and exotic ones that can be sold, and ones that Are No Longer Extant, which are disposed of in a secure and ecologically-correct manner. A batch of Work iguana bones were disposed of.
Blue whales sighted on a whale watch cruise! The Dude got to yell, “Thar she blows!” And when one sounded, I yelled, “Show us your tail!” and it did!
Pvt. Grunt, an extra in a prisoner-of-war camp comedy TV show cleaned up the back yard. This proxy helps me to take breaks, stay hydrated and eat because it’s required by Union Rules.
Finding Laughing Lee and Frivolous Lee, missing personas from my past.
A posy of bluebells and forget-me-nots to Havi for the airy new website. And to all other chickeneers who want one.
Hello not-quite-Friday! I was reading this and thought, “I also did not set anything on fire this week.” I didn’t knock over a candle or do anything that would have made me worry about setting something on fire, but I was still amused by the thought. I’m putting that one under the “good.”
Hard:
-Homesickness
-No space of my own + weird energy at the hostel
-Worries/monster-stuff about flow… not flowing.
-What is this missing theatre thing?!
-No space of my own affecting ability to have things that I need
-Snuggle deprivation
-My back is not happy about the bunk bed
-Stupid racist comment on something I posted on FB. I deleted it, but I’m still feeling weird and silencing about that reaction and wish I could say something more useful instead. Fear of conflict?
-Feeling kind of over Portland or the living situation or something.
-Confusion about what’s next for the business or what even the business is at all.
Good:
-Secret agent move made leaving the seekrit fountain so much better.
-Also, drool monster hugs
-Dinner with two lovely people
-Crazy epiphany about perfection during the class on dismantling racism
-Line dancing!
-Naps!
-Occasional stolen moments of alone time in the dorm
-meeting new and delightful people
-Alberta Street. So much love for this place.
-Writing. Not as much as I want but more than I normally do. Writing some things I feel good about.
And stuff….
Oh, Chickeneers! Hola. I had a hard week. Hard for me, anyway. VERY good, but just … no one is quite who you take them to be, including me.
Today a bookshop clerk picked a fight with me. Raised her voice at me to say something astonishingly hostile while I was smiling at her, handing over my book for purchase.
Bookshop clerks! No longer assumed to be mild-mannered lovers of literature. It was maybe the hardest thing of the hard week.
Oh. Golly. Glad you Chicken friends are here…
Max! (loving you!)