It is Friday and we are here.
{a breath for Friday}
What worked this week?
Shorts, weirdly enough.
So I have to give some background for this. Whenever the weather gets warm, it takes me forever to adjust to suddenly seeing my shockingly white legs. I’m pretty sure this is residual low-grade trauma from living in the middle east and constantly having people say things to me along the lines of “my god, I can’t even look at you, it’s disgusting, get to the beach immediately”.
Anyway, I have been wearing short shorts to my morning dance class as part of an experiment I am doing in growing my comfort zone in a variety of ways. It has required extreme force fields of bravery.
It turns out there’s a fantastic side effect of this practice: I am used to seeing my legs and do not feel the need to hide them. So on a beautiful sunny weekend, I wore a sundress and flip flops. Sprawled out on a beach towel in the park and wrote while the Spy did yoga nidra. And I didn’t care about my legs.
I breathed and connected to my thank you heart. Thank you for legs that are strong and beautiful and full of life. For legs that take me where I need to go and allow me to dance.
Doing the opposite.
I noticed when I was going into habitual behavior, and played Choose Away. Or: Do The Opposite Thing.
This required lots of soothing for small, scared me, and that was useful too.
Next time I might…
Pause and breathe.
Always a good plan.
Eight breaths for the hard, challenging and mysterious.
- I made progress on a secret mission that scares me, and then learned more about why it scares me. A breath for encountering things you weren’t expecting to see.
- It is hilarious, in so many ways, that I am going to a huge swing dance convention. I need to find a way to take care of highly sensitive, PTSD me, as well as deal with the monster crew. A breath for choices.
- Sometimes you want a thing and you can’t have it — or at least not right now, and maybe not having it is good for you and you still desire it. A breath of comfort and letting that moment of wanting be what it is.
- I came to a realization that required action, and this was full of fear and sadness for me. A breath for sad, scared me and for courage.
- The most beautiful red light said STOP. So many tears. A breath for endings and for comfort.
- Oh my sad aching heart about this ending. A breath of trust and love, one for my heart and one for the other heart involved.
- I undid the old pattern about numbness that came up last week, and uncovered a different one (in a variety of forms) that has to do with seeking soothing from an external source, forgetting that I can give comfort to myself. A breath for patience and slow healing.
- Some things just take time. A breath for letting things take time.
- Inhale, exhale. Goodbye, mysteries and hard moments of this week.
Eight breaths of good, reassuring, delight-filled.
- A glorious sunny day, the first real taste of spring. A breath for a beautiful day, and for the first time ever that I did not go into my stuff about summer coming.
- A taste of high impact. Still being gentle on the ankle, but I was able to bounce just the tiniest bit this week. Lindy hop. Aerobics. Not quite back to jumping but feeling more like gazelle state. A breath for pleasure.
- Closing out the dance floor Saturday night. A moment where everything is just-right. A breath of pure delight for this experience.
- Acting on the realization that required action. Doing it anyway, in the moment of knowing what is needed, present with the fear and sadness, interrupting all my usual patterns, doing it with love. A breath for what a powerful experience this was, and a hundred billion sparklepoints for scared, full-hearted me.
- The most beautiful red light. A breath for stopping everything in order to treasure a moment and be treasured — become treasure — in that moment.
- My dear friend Jane, one of my favorite people in the entire world, was in Portland and I got to see her and be near her, and it was the most wonderful, special thing. I wish it could happen more. A breath for love.
- Finished a big project! A breath for movement and turning corners.
- So many good things. Dance classes that are challenging in just the right ways. A wonderful card from Leni. Surprisingly not worn out, given circumstances. Marisa is back! Marionberry-pomegranate-blueberry smoothies. The joy of having the exact right bag for the occasion. Things are good. A breath for deep appreciation in my thank-you heart.
WHAM BOOM! Operations completed.
I finished decorating Say Everything Twice (Say Everything Twice), and it is going out to the people in the Year of Emerging And Receiving very soon. Possibly tomorrow. And I set up a Pop Up Practicum at the Ballroom. WHAM BOOM.
I put Operation Houston It Is The Vicar on the back burner for a bit, and I am working on the Mission of Xs and Ys, which I will take to Rally next week.
Superpowers!
Powers I had this week…
I had the superpower of Taking Pleasure In Small Moments. And the superpower of noticing when the front of the V was getting hijacked by Tiny Havi who operates on fear, because she is still tiny. Got to practice some self-forgiveness in a big way.
Superpowers I want.
More of the above, of course.
And because I got what I asked for last week, I am seeding it again. The power of perfect simple solutions everywhere, to the point that it is just hilarious how plentiful, perfect and simple they are. With some sexy fearlessness on the side.
Salve. The Salve of Self-Forgiveness.
This salve is the most soothing of salves, because it soothes retroactively. It is working now and it is also working on then.
When I dab it on my throat, something softens in me. I take a deep breath. I see the actual circumstances of things I have been through and how hard they were, and how high my expectations were. I adjust my vision.
The salve dissolves and suddenly I am able to look at past-me, at whatever age, in whatever situation, and say: “Oh, Havi-then was doing the best she could with the intel that was available and the tools she had at the time. She couldn’t see the other options and she didn’t know how to take care of herself, and she was trying hard to survive.”
I glow love to the me-then who made different choices than the ones I think I would make now, and I stroke her hair and I breathe trust, steadiness and peacefulness for us. That is the power of this salve. I am recognizing now as I write this that it is thanks to this salve I was able to experience the most beautiful red light this week, so it is even a more important salve than I’d realized.
If salve does not appeal, you can have this in tea form, as a bath, cocktail, whatever works for you. Not only is there enough salve, there are also enough ways to receive it.
Playing live at the meme beach house — the Fake Band of the Week!
This week’s band is called Emphasizing Bears, it is a gift from autocorrect (I was trying to write about emphasizing beats in the music while dancing) and I love it so much. Emphasizing Bears! They are loud and playing at the Doug Fir this week, and actually, they are also, as it turns out… just one guy.
Attenzione! Attention, AGENTS.
I am deep in an undercover mission to get better at receiving in all forms, or as I’m calling it: Glowing Receptivity and Being Receptive to Glow. Including the skill of gracefully accepting thanks.
It is related to my mission of Coming Out Of All The Closets and sharing about my personal experiences with not-sharing-how-hard-things-are.
If you would like to take a part in this and support me on my mission by sharing sweetness and appreciation for any aspect of my work, I would love that. You can do it with the magic of words, through the comments, or add something to Barrington’s Discretionary fund. (Explanation!)
And if the way you are glowing appreciation is quietly in your heart, I like that too. ♡
Come play if you like…
Join me in the comments. Some of us share hard and good, some of us say hi, or maybe we’re on silent retreat. My ritual doesn’t have to be your ritual. Whatever works for you. Almost three hundred weeks of this and there still isn’t a right way.
Everyone belongs. We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. We don’t give advice.
Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.
p.s. It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — join in whenever you like, it’s no big deal. And I am blowing kisses to the Beloved Lurkers. I love that you are here too.
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The perfect salve. Applying the salve and making a foot bath out of some self-forgiveness salts.
The Good:
Went to the travel agent to talk about Bolivia. And she was so good and helpful and said “I’ll get you to the person who specializes in getting people to Bolivia.” and I thought it would take a while but then the Bolivian embassy called to make an appointment to see me. So now here I am, thinking of going to Bolivia, by myself.
The good of this? That I want something. That I want something that involves a future. That so far everyone I have talked about it with said “If you want to go to Bolivia, you should go to Bolivia.” That so far I have not had any Monsters mocking my plan to go to Bolivia or telling me I don’t have enough money to go to Bolivia and how would I work if I’m in Bolivia and what would your exboyfriend say. Thank you monsters.
The Hard: I went back to your post on Bolivia to see what I said last time. I said back then that Bolivia held no sway for me. And I said “I am also very very glad that I am not trying to get to Bolivia and finding myself unable. I imagine that pain must be terrible.” And now that is a possibility for me.
A breath for wanting. A breath for wanting something when you have no idea what will happen. A breath for knowing that past me was not ever ready to go to Bolivia and knowing that this is the time for me to go, if I am to go.
A Superpower I Had This Week:
The power of song. Of writing songs I can sing in my car.
A Superpower I Want This Coming Week:
The power of creation. In whatever form that takes. And the power of knowing what path to take. Maybe a light or a sign.
good Friday!
The Good:
Two Niggles have Gone Home. Waving the Magic Bus Goodbye piece is 100% done. Handling the Criminal Incident promptly with diminished anxiety than in the past – WHAM Boom! A rubber chicken explodes in metallic confetti.
New on my Crew – former Monster known as the Planner is now Mr. Robert P. Gantt, PMP (the actual certification for Process Managers). He will handle planning, the flow charts and diagrams in the background.
A guy in a tuxedo on a skateboard. A musician going to the concert I was attending, but what if really ritzy towns required skateboarders to wear tuxedos?
Making the Dread Phone Call 2, and getting a further reduction in our phone bill With Unlimited Talk, Text and Internet (up to a monthly limit that is 8x bigger than The Dude has ever used in the past!
Good books.
The mysterious and hard stuff : The Dire Money Situation continues with a Black Hole day for The Dude and I, simultaneously. Eye-twitchies, head-spinnies.
I do Not Like Bad Music. Like from a Youth Orchestra. Without knowing what was on the program. Sprung on me with only 3 days’ notice. Which I went to because I thought it would be good to break our routine.
The Russian River has disappeared from the map, entirely and will have to find me. And I do not have anywhere the anxiety I had before.
I have another Dread Phone Call to make. Yup, this week’s Salve works.
What worked:
The LoL Game. Hearts and Minds.
Asking myself what Wants are, and deciding that for me they are a part of Ritual.
What I might try in the future?
Remembering to get more information and adjust plans to Fit the New Reality because Nothing is Locked in Stone.
Coming right out and saying, “No, I do not want to attend that event, even if it is free.”
I will try to find a safe time to go into the past and think of Instances as I draw mystic symbols on my skin using the Salve of Self-forgiveness. This morning, I had noticed the absence of Regrets when I thought of a situation in the past that usually triggers them.
Happy Chickens to You!
The Hard:
-Re-entry.
-Coming home and not being able to think of anyone within a 20 minute drive I could ask for a hug except a high school friend’s mom. Weird. And this week, as you said on Facebook, required lots of hugs.
-Anxiety.
-Underemployed.
-Money.
-“You have one foot out the door.”
-Perceiving that I am low on options.
-Another door closing.
-I’m tired of waiting for my life to be what it can be. A breath for perceiving I am stuck here. And a breath for being frustrated with the beautiful things I do have because I keep having to leave them.
-The illusion of separation.
The Good:
-Seekrit meeting. A breath for loving and supportive communities.
-Inviting a Floop friend to my favorite thing. A breath for building bridges, expanding community, and offering gifts
-All The Snuggles.
-All The People. All The Best People.
-A big stoopid epiphany about why I am small and quiet around certain people. More about this soon.
-Still not writing, but having all the ideas about things to write. And programs and classes and coaching.
-Getting back together with my coaching buddy
-Cuddles. Snuggles. Whatever your preferred term. Co-working with affectionate leaning. Overnight snuggles. Hand-holding. More hand-holding. All the best hugs. Seriously needed those 4 days of connection.
-The compass song. “When it’s all said and done, you can walk instead of run, ’cause no matter what, you’ll never be alone.” Every time it comes on the radio, it feels like a reminder I deeply need.
Tears. I suppose tears go under the good even if they are tears of hard.
Love to everyone.
Hello and love to all. Beloved Lurkers too 😉
What worked?
Permission. Even more permission than that. Yes, take a few days off the computer. Yes, tell your boss that you’re going to take off on Friday, because you are so exhausted that you really need it.
Floop.
What might I try?
Putting the tiny notebook into my wallet, so I can always have my balance written down in a place that I’ll look. Paying for things with cash more.
As Claire says, love harder!
Ohhhhh, week, week, *week*.
What worked? Taking breaks, even when there seemed to be no time for breaks.
Next time I might… Explore more ways to help my body find relief from tension.
Hard: A sudden deadline lurched into view, altering the entire trajectory of my week. Yes, there are so many ways in which it could have been so much worse. Even so, hard.
Good: I visited the place where I will be starting a new music therapy gig, and felt immediately at ease. And: I *have* a new music therapy gig!
The common thread: It must be spring, because things are moving.
I am now invoking the superpower of Self-Care In All Circumstances! Like savoir-faire, it’s everywhere!
P.S. Thank you for the salve. I’ll be soaking in it tonight, I believe. <3
Cheeekin…… Hoi!
Hards….
– omfgsobusyseriouslymyweekhasbeenlikethis: thingthingthingthingthingthingthingthing. With one more day of it then back to the usual level of energy demand. Okay.
– being sensible. Booooooring. Me want candy!
– appreciating a quality in a person at an intellectual and soul level. But wanting so badly a different manifestation of that quality at the emotional and body level. I am sadface mouse.
– got a big fright at the end of a huge day just as my period was coming in properly. Too much! Body got a little shaky there.
– thingthingthingthingweeks are hard on the kids. They are both a bit tired and ratty, and definitely not getting the best version of me.
– modelling a project based on how it went last time, when you weren’t running the project, and times have changed and you have to call in all the favours and spend the day scrambling to keep up and wonder if you should have organised things better but how could you possibly? And shame (that slimiest stinkiest blobbiest of monsters) creeping up to you (way too close, just like always) and offering you lots of stories about WHO THIS MEANS YOU ARE and please fuck the fuck off I am way too busy for a slide into the shame swamp right now thanks for popping by shame, but please fuck off.
– I miss, I miss, I miss.
Goods…
+ my Young Correspondent is growing up so beautifully, I am a proud mama-bear. My Life-Twin is so bloody wise it is ACTUALLY nuts. She sometimes doubts herself. This is also nuts but that’s how it is right now and I love her so I feel sad not all of her registers her level of awesomeness YET. Antipodean-sisters are doing it for themselves. #friends #withbetterbenefitsthaneventhose
+ oh my god my kids are amazing. They have just been so good and so patient and so fine through this busy week. Thank you my beauties!!
+ stepping into a Leonine position without shame! First time in my life, so much easier without him holding on!! I mean, he’s there still, but he *offers* me his bullshit stories of Not Good Enough and Who Do You Think You Are, rather than plunging them into my heart of hearts without permission. (I refuse him, btw).
+ As I stretch and flex these old project management muscles for pretty much the first time in three years, I am finding myself healing parts of me that felt *so* bad about how crappily we performed back then. Turns out that relationship crap, being pregnant and conflicted, and in important breakdown/spiritual-awakening headspace =/= effective employee. Remove these circstances and look! Actually, I *can* do these things after all. My ‘failures’ occurred in a CONTEXT so let’s reconsider all the stories we’ve written about ourselves shall we? Ta.
+ silky drawers and beautifully fitting, well constructed, pretty, sexy, comfy bras. Omg I am a grown up I have three matching sets who even AM I these days???? 😉
Cluck cluck, chicken OUT
xoxoxo
Hello chickeners!
The good:
– Safe House is safe
– sticky drooping chestnut leaves, daffodils, tulips, celandines
– planning the plans
– beer with Klingons
– a thing that would have been a shoe if it had hit me this time last year not being a shoe now
The hard:
– Lent is harder than Advent (and, typing that, I am remembering that I have forgotten all about my Lenture – I shall go back and see how Lenturous I am feeling)
– Surrey To Leave You is beginning to feel real
– lacking data
– having to choose between sleep and fun
– idealism is tricky
What worked:
– asking
– seeing the funny side
– singing. Singing always works.
Ahoy there chickeneers! Here be a late-Saturday-night chicken 😉
This week definitely felt like it had a lot of week in it–both Good and Hard.
The Hard:
Having a shoe thrown at me by the Trail Boss after several weeks of things going better–for daring to ask for some Ranch Hand Recovery time for my ill body.
Self-doubt about whatever my need for Recovery was “Real” or “All in My Head.”
Riding the Hormone Rollercoaster (not a fan!)
Being in the awkward place of trying to figure out how to be truthful but not revealing with the Trail Boss about my upcoming interview at the Farm Sanctuary (still a metaphor–see the good!)
Professional jealousy of my fellow ranch hand. I genuinely like and appreciate her–but sometimes feel like she gets all the credit (and even more often feel like that’s the case because she’s genuinely Better at Everything).
Lots of noise from the monster crew about what a terrible friend and family member I am.
Wanting to do both Operation Mary Ellen Carter and Operation Shekels in the Bag–and feeling like they are doomed to be in conflict.
The Good:
Invited to interview at the Farm Sanctuary!! (still a metaphor) Feeling so proud of myself for taking the risk of applying and getting it all done on a tight timeline.
The Wild Bunch were reasonably close to being the Cheerfully Calm Bunch most of the week–and I had a a great moment playing games with a member of the Bunch who has been pretty difficult in the past.
Lego tree-building with a little dude.
Power-poses (aka Operation Wonder Woman/Operation V for Victory) and Procrastination-Dissolving Wonder Dust both really work! Thanks Amy Cuddy (and Havi!)
Declaring Putterday!
Really losing myself in a good book (actually a couple of good books!)
Getting to use my Inner Librarian Powers for good in the bookstore.
Still rejoicing over the new Trader Joe’s in my neighborhood.
Hello, Sunday. Hello, y’all.
What worked?
* shampoo instead of Woollite.
* doing math
Next time?
* revise elevator speech?
* how to be patient with people who haven’t done their homework?
Hard/challenging/argh-making:
* depressing royalty statement
* so much Not My Bus to sit with
* Operation Scrap the Silver(plate) was a bust
* shredding twenty-year-old documents
* family: both too much and not enough
* all the gunk…
* things breaking, including a pedal
* things missing, including a vest and sunscreen
Good:
* the liberty to let the buses roll by
* planning a surprise for my sweetie, and his shout of joy when he discovered it
* a good stretch of name-face recall Thursday night
* breakfast with friends
* making sense out of [t]
* tax prep done!
* I’m hating the mouthguard less
* streaming zouk from my library’s Freegal
This week I had the superpower of Using Things Now. (For someone raised in the tribe of Save It for Someday, this is huge!)
Warm wishes to all y’all.
So so long since I commented, but have danced around the edges. As always, these wise comments come at just the right time (how do you do that?). Thank you!
Goodbye, last week!
What worked: offloading some iguanas and looking for more Pleasures. Seeking help.
Next time I might: seek help sooner, and indulge in more Pleasures.
Some of the hard things this week require self-forgiveness, so I am slathering on the salve!
The hard and the not-so-hard:
They did a procedure on MrB’s leg, giving better hope for healing. I have to change the dressings but it is less gross than the dressing changes I was doing before the surgery.
Having iguanas in the house but I was able to get help with some.
Antidepressants have side effects that I don’t like. One side effect is appetite suppression, which I hope means that I won’t gain weight on this one the way I did on others.
Everything tastes salty!
Pain
The good things:
Finding resources I need/want
Time with friends
Teaching: it’s such a joy to see my students “get it”
Being able to do Pleasurable Activities
Napping, especially when I didn’t get a good night’s sleep
Goodbye, week of hardness and hope, pleasure and pain. Thank you for the lessons and the love.
It’s officially Monday but I think I need to Chicken. Thank goodness for Fowl Amnesty.
Last week was… a week. It was challenging and it was slow and it was sort of a blur. A slow blur. Working through the Mysterious Pain. A Return to Water. A Trip ahead, but no planes, thankfully. Delighting in the Salve, but having trouble accessing it.
Revisiting Nothing is Wrong.
Thank you for the Y.E.A.R. book. Thank you for the Y.E.A.R. book.
Searching for clues. Searching for clues.
A wonderful week to all the Chickeneers!
Today’s chicken brought to you by: The Panther!
PANTHER ON.
Awesome: Agent Lucelli and the Snippy Squids! FUCK YEAH!!!! (totally just one guy! <3)
Awesome: realizing how awesome all the awesomes are, like for reaallll
Awesome: so much reading!
Awesome: octopods everywhere!
Awesome: ginger butter cookies, whaaaaaaaaaat
Awesome: Space Opera partyyyyyy
Awesome: Hello Schlottery! WOW you’re big and green.
Awesome: KS/GB Showcase!
Gnawsome: Not [scabbing] is hard and I keep doing it anyway ughhh
Gnawsome: Goodbye purplewobble 🙁
Awesome: 2048!
Awesomer: 4096 ahahahahahah!!!!
Awesome: Cat Wrangling, treegrass style!
PANTHER OFF.