It is Friday and we are here.
{a breath for Friday}
You guys! TWO HUNDRED AND NINETY NINE WEEKS OF CHICKEN.
That is a lot. How are we going to celebrate next week? I’m open to ideas.
What worked this week?
Editing as a soporific…
When I go dancing late at night, it is nearly impossible for me to calm down enough to put myself to bed when it is over. Adrenaline! Excitement!
And none of the usual things that calm me down seem appealing.
I have discovered that the one thing that always seems to work for me is editing. Take out the red pen, go through a few pages, all of a sudden I want to go to bed.
Last-week-me knew I’d be at a dance convention this week, up until all hours, so she put together some editing projects for me. The best.
Next time I might…
Ask: What happens when I treasure myself.
This question changes things for me. It also is a good reminder that whatever I’m currently doing might not be what I need or want.
Eight breaths for the hard, challenging and mysterious.
- Most of this week was about the final prep stages of Operation Bell View, and transitioning from preparing for it to actually being on it. And in it. I am literally in Bellevue, Washington. I’ve never really done an op like this before. It is a ton of work, and I’m not even really sure why the Agency put me on this mission to begin with. A breath for trusting the process.
- Oh man, so much stuff from Then. Being at a dance convention is bringing up all these memories of my first ever yoga teacher training, which also happened to be the first teacher training in Israel that had international certification. Half the people in the training were Russians who were former gymnasts, the other half were famous Israeli yoga teachers there for the certificate. I felt so completely out of my element. A breath for remembering that Now Is Not Then.
- Feeling anxious! About all kinds of things. A breath for comfort.
- I was hoping that the missing would get a little easier this week. Nope. Missing, missing, missing. A breath for staying with the sensation and letting it be what is true for me right now.
- Operation Bell View is so much work. A million tiny details. A breath for releasing worry.
- Saying yes to something you want is (or can be) amazing and terrifying. Operation Bell View is a huge commitment towards Dancer Me, and this is new and exciting and scary. A breath for trust.
- Hmm. Silent retreat. A breath for patience and moving through the hard.
- Inhale, exhale. Goodbye, mysteries and hard moments of this week.
Eight breaths of good, reassuring, delight-filled.
- OHMYGOD. I’m here! I made it! Operation Bell View! After all these weeks of planning and training and logisticking. A breath for being exactly where I want to be, in many different senses of that.
- Crimson nails. A breath for the me who wants to be seen.
- Friends. A breath for companionship.
- The seder, a beautiful ritual, people I love, tradition. A breath for my chosen family.
- Nothing is wrong. A breath for remembering this.
- Writing. A breath for process.
- Lilacs. Tulips.Skipping stones in the park. A breath for this beautiful place I live in.
- So much appreciation and thankfulness. The Johnny Boyd show at Secret Society. Distance-nidra with the Spy. Having the exact right thing to wear. Knowing what I want. Things are good. A breath for deep appreciation in my thank-you heart.
WHAM BOOM! Operations completed.
I am ON Operation Bell View! It is happening. Made progress on Operation KLM and Sea Sky Dance Play. More on the Mission of Xs and Ys. WHAM BOOM.
This coming week I will be recovering from Operation Bell View, which is also part of Operation Bell View. 🙂
Superpowers!
Powers I had this week…
I had the superpowers of Steady Trust and Finding A Better Option.
Superpowers I want.
More extreme sexy fearlessness. And remembering that I don’t have to carry other people’s problems for them. I don’t even have to carry my own….
Less carrying!
Salve. The Salve of Less Carrying.
Also known as the salve of release.
This salve is like a deep exhalation followed by a deep inhalation followed by another even better exhalation.
It is not letting go like giving up. It is letting go like, oh right this isn’t even mine.
It is a lightening and a re-balancing. Things make more sense with this salve.
Things you stop carrying: other people’s beliefs, projections and desires. Societal and cultural rules and expectations. Various ideas and assumptions about what you “should” be doing or how you “should” be doing it.
None of it needs to be carried. It just doesn’t.
If salve does not appeal, you can have this in tea form, as a bath, cocktail, whatever works for you. Not only is there enough salve, there are also enough ways to receive it.
Playing live at the meme beach house — the Fake Band of the Week!
This week’s band is from Lucky Lola and it is called Chicken Attached.
They play Swedish folk music, and actually, as it turns out, it is just one guy.
Attenzione! Attention, AGENTS.
I am deep in an undercover mission to get better at receiving in all forms, or as I’m calling it: Glowing Receptivity and Being Receptive to Glow. Including the skill of gracefully accepting thanks.
It is related to my mission of Coming Out Of All The Closets and sharing about my personal experiences with not-sharing-how-hard-things-are.
If you would like to take a part in this and support me on my mission by sharing sweetness and appreciation for any aspect of my work, I would love that. You can do it with the magic of words, through the comments, or add something to Barrington’s Discretionary fund. (Explanation!)
And if the way you are glowing appreciation is quietly in your heart, I like that too. ♡
Come play if you like…
Join me in the comments. Some of us share hard and good, some of us say hi, or maybe we’re on silent retreat. My ritual doesn’t have to be your ritual. Whatever works for you. Almost three hundred weeks of this and there still isn’t a right way.
Everyone belongs. We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. We don’t give advice.
Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.
p.s. It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — join in whenever you like, it’s no big deal. And I am blowing kisses to the Beloved Lurkers. I love that you are here too.
Follow
*cluck cluck snore*
It is Friday. It is Good Friday. It is good that it is Friday.
The hard:
– so so so tired
– Lent always feels me feeling scratchy. Haven’t had time to look at this properly, either.
– herd of boxen?
– the long long final straight
– lingering awkwardness around the passive-aggressive gunfight
– hangover
The good:
– ridiculously fun course (good work, bored brave me from last year, for putting my name down for this)
– surprise!drinks
– expected!drinks
– my lovely people
– I have ten days off! (and then two days at work) and then six days off!
– riding the wave, oh my!
– looking forward to the Grand Reunion
Good and hard:
– all of the last times
– it is probably as well that we are not going to tray the plumpet this year, but it would have been fun
The salve of Less Carrying is a most opportune one for this week. I keep misreading it as Less Crying. I’m not sure that’s going to happen, but whatever happens will be good.
*glows*
*sleeps*
*glows*
Chicken hats! See if 300 Chickens is playing at the Meme Beach House.
The mysterious and hard stuff : Not much happened mindfully the week before last. Feers about The Dude’s job being like Those Bad Jobs from Before, even though This is Not Then. A new monster: The Bee-Littler. A bee with a megaphone mouth and a stinger that zaps me. It has messages like: “You are not a good person because you do not…(do action); have never (won an Olympic medal, saved someone’s life…); like (the TV show, movie, music… your co-workers do); and you do things your co-workers believe to be bad (specifics deleted.) You look and act peculiar. No one will like you. No one will take you seriously, listen to you and accept you. And you can forget about them respecting you!”
The Good: Feelings triggered by Past Incidents have turned into Memories of Feelings.
Saturday. Queen for a day at The Getty. I did not realize until I was on my way home that the qualities I am wishing for are Acceptance – I Can Be Me in Public, and Independence – I Can do it By Myself.
So many joyful things – having a reading book, wearing My Own Personal Style including a white hat and gloves, wearing the right amount of clothes and perfect, comfortable shoes. The perfect sandwich – roast beef on wheat with lettuce, tomato, pickle and Dijon mustard – and I don’t usually eat pickles and Dijon mustard on my sandwiches. Not accepting rye bread. Getting M&M’s (horrors, what an indulgence!) that kept me from biting The Dude out of ravening hunger.
Paying for parking on the way in. Pacific Opera Project’s excerpts from The Mikado in harajuku style. Bagpipers. Music Hall songs. Singing along. Chair dancing and a conga line dance.
Who knew Queen Victoria would have been into “selfies” if they had been technologically possible at the time! Seeing “my” chocolate cowrie and the bombe chests still on display. Enjoying the portrait of the Yawning Artist, the Turkish bed that pulled out from the wall for changing the sheets. And the portrait of one of the Louie’s where the artist used a Swedish actress’s legs – nowdays, he would have used PhotoShop.
And finding out that I was Queen Vickie of Lower Egalitaria, whose motto is, “Wipe your feet on the mat, clean up after yourself and put everything back where it belongs before you leave.”
Sunday matinee with Groucho – actually Frank Ferrante. The Dude came with me.
What worked: Asking. A live person (Charity) for directions. A realtor showing a 20’s house about window contractors. The school district records management person about getting the names of my elementary school classmates. (The No.) The docents the way to the nearest restroom.
Me: Excuse me, do you know the way to the closest restroom?
Docent: Hm, let me think about that… (finger to cheek)
Me: Don’t think about it too long!
Appreciating. The Unexpected tour of Brentwood thanks to the Garmin.
Affording. Committing the resources when we have them.
What I might try in the future?
Keep on asking. I might get a yes from an unlikely source. Remembering that “No” is good intelligence, like red lights. Remembering to get more information and adjust plans to Fit the New Reality because Nothing is Locked in Stone. The LoL Game. Putting the Salve on the Bee-Littler’s stings, so I can quit carrying the hurts.
Events like the ones I had when I’m on my Quest full-time.
Happy Chicken!
The Good:
Moved a lot of things at work from the “I need to do” slots to the “ball’s in your court” slots which left lots of room for writing and thinking. And very happily made room for new matters to slide into those empty slots. A breathe for happy flowing rivers of work.
Loving my work and realizing it is my calling. Everything is easier when it is your calling.
The Curious:
I seem to be resigned about some things. It seems sad to me to be resigned to them, but good also because sometimes having no hope is a good thing.
That is the best salve ever, yet it is so hard to apply… Practice, I guess?
Thank you, Havi, for all these chickens.
Friday! Friday is here, and so is my vacation!
What worked?
Speaking up. (Bonus: an admiring glance from a woman in front of me.)
Already having Plan C lined up.
Bringing along the gum.
Next time?
Acknowledge the likelihood of pre-travel brain churn (aka insomnia) and devise some way of (out)foxing it.
Hard, etc.:
Messages MIA.
Red tape double dutch.
Not the right time for Project U or Project S.
An off-the-shelf product didn’t yield the hoped-for solution.
Good, etc.:
Playing with SublimeText.
Horseplayer Night School.
Honey.
New haircut. Fresh face powder.
Unexpected compliments and expressions of affection.
The sheer good fortune of arriving at the bbq joint between surges of other customers. (And the staff was great, too.)
Clews:
Blue Paddle beer.
Bikes inside both the frames I bought, and in other images too.
Ballet shoes above the hotel bed.
Warm wishes to all y’all.
Mechaieh ~
I first read that as “pre-travel brain CHUM” – and then had to completely re-think it when I got to (insomnia)!
LOL…
Bright Spring Holiday (Holy Day) Blessings ~
*giggle* I have to admit that some of the schemes the brain comes up with are rather fishy… 😉
Bright blessings to you too!
:~O
~ I was at “chum = buddy; side-kick; someone to share the hard with, to lessen the hurt…”
Enjoy!
300 Chickens, almost! Glorious.
Hard:
–[Internal Retreat of Silence]
Good:
–A moment of exquisite clarity in which I realized that I was feeling upset, not so much because of a thing that happened, but because of the story I was telling myself about the thing. So I investigated, and the story wasn’t even true! Miraculous!
–Cold/allergy symptoms are clearing up, bit by bit. I can glimpse the day when I will be able to sing freely again.
–The Loosest End has been secured at last. I am feeling some grief, but on the whole,it’s good to have resolution.
I am now invoking the superpower of Remembering My Essence. I’m sure this week’s salve will blend beautifully with that, so thank you!
Oh friday. cluck.
the hard:
-i hate living in Bolivia some days. This moment is one.
-ugly verbal process with husband, plus our difficulty working toegther on fucking anything
-my car issues. expensive and annoying
-silent retreats 1-10 inclusive
-the awful thing. shame around awful thing. needing to extend extra self-forgiveness around awful thing. feeling judged and put down by husband re: awful thing.
-you can’t get enough of what isn’t good for you in the first place.
-that lunar eclipse fucked me up and i’m not sure why
the sparkle:
-amazing lil miracles and drops of support and help here and there
-the weather is here
-april
-being able to recognize, even in the pain, that i was being played by brain weasels, that this was not true. i felt really bad nd that alone was progress
-i danced today. shhhhh.
This week the good and the hard were mixed together.
The last night of class was bittersweet; the weather was rotten, and when I walked over to drop off attendance sheets, the building was locked.
Next time I might: plan to mail the attendance sheets if the weather is bad.
Counseling is sooo working; she recognizes the issues behind the issues. I cry so much so hard during sessions, and I’m finding that there is a great depth of sorrow and pain and fear that I didn’t realize was there.
Next time I might: talk about MrB’s family.
Tenebrae; ritual and tradition, solemn and beautiful. Not part of the religious tradition in which I grew up, and this year was only my second experience with it. This year death and darkness are very much with me, always at least at the edge of my thoughts. I left sorrowing.
And went from church to the hospital to pick up MrB. He was admitted this morning and discharged tonight, after a night in the ER and a day of confusion about what they were going to do. Heart issues, kidney issues, pulmonary issues… Too much scary.
What worked: taking a good book and not trying to write; taking a protein bar and water. I was calmer this time than the last time we were in the ER; it was the prospect of telling our son that distressed me rather than being there.
Next time I might: take a heavy jacket even if the outside temp is nice; it got really cold with the door closed and it was really noisy with the door open.
Email that makes it easy to pass on info to his family, and their noticeable lack of response to the news. Do they even fucking care? Meanwhile, lots of caring responses from MY family and our friends. So glad for them. Subject for my next counseling session.
Next time I might: Not send anything to his brothers.
Next week I want to set up something to look forward to. I need hope, excitement, pleasure.
{{{VickiB}}}
Hello, Chicken!
My last chicken gave me the gift of Breath Support. I have been using, and deeply appreciating this gift. Qualities of Breath Support: [inspiration] [resonance] [support] [flow] [connectedness] [vitality] [strength] [magic] [groundedness] [power].
Awesome: Theatre of the Oppressed!!!!
Gnawsome: [things that go bump in the night]
Gnawsome: panicking over [Pirate Ladder]
Awesome: unlocking the Mystery of Lifelines [mysterious music!!!]
Awesome: learning (from unlocking the M of L) that I can [verb] my [Radio]!
Awesome: moving slowly through Op: Hand Thigh Sleep Birds
Awesome: from my journal: “i can [Spin] any [Flame]! i might have to [Bask] for [Kelp] to [Twin], but i don’t have to change the [Pools] “ FUCK. YEAH.
Awesome: ARISTOTLE <3
Gnawsome: THE WIND IN THE TENT. BLLLLLFFFGGGHHH.
Awesome: Gwishing and flooing my way through it. YAY NAVIGATIONAL CONTROLS THAT WORK!!!! YAY ME FOR MAKING THEM WORK!!!
Gnawsome: the playout through Space Opera
Awesome: Space Opera stays on the air!
Awesome: the show at the Field Tavern
Awesome: Yee Haw Doorbells!
Awesome: The Wizard of Oz book club!!!
Awesome: library day!
Awesome: Phaerie Queene and the gift of [Menu]!
Awesome: [CJ] <3
Gnawsome: [52 Pickup]
Gnawsome: [?!]
Awesome: the power of [The Jar]!
This week's Chicken Gift is: the Gift of Groove.
I am in it!
I can dance it!
I can feel it! (coming back again!)
I can move TO it.
It is the word!
It is in the heart!
Presents!
Presence!
<3 <3