It is Friday and we are here.
{a breath for Friday, and for being here right now}
What worked this week?
Treating all obstacles like they are “Yay, fun detour!” signs.
What if an obstacle, or a perceived obstacle, since that’s what they usually are, is actually a handy note saying, “Go this other way, please!”
This is related to the superpower of “No Big Deal, That Was Not My Bus Anyway, Which Is Clear Since I’m Not On It.”
It is the superpower of not-groaning. Looking for the redirect.
This is 100% the advanced practice, it requires first having really assimilated the practice of Meeting All Pain With Legitimacy.
Next time I might…
Light more candles.
This is both metaphorical and not.
In real life, I save candles for special occasions when in fact lighting them brings me so much joy that this is stupid.
I am also thinking about this in the sense of: allowing for more light.
I wrote in the latest YEARbook that I am afraid of the healing that comes from seeing.
This week has shown me many patterns of my own that involve not wanting to see something that was clearly happening, choosing not to see it. There is a healing that comes from seeing. I am going to light more candles, as a way of reminding myself that more light will help me stop avoiding the corners.
Eight breaths for the hard, challenging and mysterious.
- Travel takes so much out of me, for so long. Still recovering. A breath for process.
- I could not have been more wrong about someone I loved and trusted completely. A breath for losing my sense of the ground, and for moving through shock.
- Rattled and reeling. A breath for comfort.
- Not-knowing. Various things up in the air. Waiting for intel. It’s probably good for me and I’m not liking it. A breath and a candle.
- Really seeing how much I have not been letting myself see. A breath for blinking and watching things reconfigure.
- The dance communities I like best and the dances I like best are not the same. A breath for being wildly passionate about something and waiting for the right people to play with.
- Heart aches. And I still cannot believe all the signs I ignored. “We are all a little bad at seeing clearly when we have the loves.” This is what Nomi said, and she is right. A breath for passage, and for forgiveness, and for crossing over and through.
- Inhale, exhale. Goodbye, mysteries and hard moments of this week.
Eight breaths of good, reassuring, delight-filled.
- The beautiful softening I received from that sentence: “We are all a little bad at seeing clearly when we have the loves.” A breath for clarity, friends, comfort, resolution and the incredibly liberating moment when you realize you no longer need to take part in something. Next time I have the loves, it will be a different kind.
- The miracle of this body. I have toes that can wiggle, lungs that breathe for me, legs that take me where I need to go. A breath for deep appreciation, and being able to dance my way through all kinds of moments.
- Dance is healing, for me. Also crazy fun! And a worthy distraction, the good kind of distraction, where you are so deeply focused on something pleasurable that the process of releasing pain happens in the background and suddenly you have new perspective. A breath for how important that is, and joy at having discovered dance. Thank you, person who is out of my life, for being the stone in the river and helping me reunite with dance.
- Two beautiful intense days of studying waltz-tango fusion with Richard Powers, someone I intensely admire. I got to lead! I love leading! Going to Secret Society for the Libertine Belles show, dancing swing and lindy with Casey and Henry. My wonderful uncle Svevo and my cousin Noah coming by to play. A fantastic west coast swing class with Chris, where, in addition to learning cool stuff, for the first time ever, he didn’t have a hundred corrections for me. Progress! A breath for learning and true companionship, two of my favorite things.
- Danielle and I had a Fake Beach Day together (oh man, I miss real Beach Day so much) on a Monday, just like we used to, and we had our toenails painted and I chose this wild electric fluorescent orange, which was so unlike me, and so wonderful. I got to learn about twenty different ridiculous internal rules I have that I had no idea existed (“that’s a color for fun people, not for you”) and release them. It was a seemingly small thing that turned out to be a big thing because all week I have felt wild, sexy, adventurous and unpredictable, all of which were super fun and useful things to experience. A breath for how play changes things, and for expanding comfort zones so that things that previously didn’t feel safe suddenly are.
- The best Wednesday night dance ever. Turns out the me who is okay with fluorescent orange nails is also okay with asking everyone to dance and not sitting out at all. It also turns out that Wildly Confident me is a better dancer. Or maybe that’s just the tango-waltz fusion kicking in. Either way, I had a wonderful night of dancing. Usually at that dance I have one or two good dances, a handful of okay ones and a bunch where I didn’t dance as well as I’d like. Wednesday I had pretty much all good dances. This is new and exciting, and I am giving credit to the nail color. Well, you know what I mean. To the passage I went through by letting myself try on a new aspect of myself. A breath for unexpected delight.
- I am okay, and I am going to be okay, and I trust that every aspect of these hard learning is useful. A breath for glowing my way through this.
- Appreciation and thankfulness. Nothing is wrong. Now is not then. Strawberries in the garden. Someone I love to dance with is in town. The Blakely Chronicles continue. Friends are amazing. Every single person I shared with was even more appalled and horrified than I was about [incident], and had so much love and warmth for me. I know what I want next, and I am ready to celebrate. So many things are good. A breath for deep appreciation in my thank-you heart.
WHAM BOOM! Operations completed.
I finished Operation Xs and Ys! 184 pages, and I’m editing like crazy. Also done: Mission San Miguel Take IV. I made a decision about Cape Egrets. I made changes in my bedroom. I closed lots of doors. Surprisingly productive for a week of jetlag and heartbreak, take that! Wham Boom.
Superpowers!
Powers I had this week…
The power of finding the good and saying thank you.
Superpowers I want.
The power of not caring what other people think about me, and letting them be as wrong about me as they want or need to be. This is also the superpower of gloriously strong boundaries.
Salve. The Salve of Triumphant Closure.
Ohmigosh I can’t even. Triumphant Closure: the concept amazes me. This is not mine, someone on the Floop (my hidden online community) came up with it, and just knowing that this could exist is a salve, in addition to the salve itself.
The salve of Triumphant Closure is both soothing and invigorating. It is related to last week’s salve of Delighting in Letting Go, which allows endings be peaceful and even joyful. This is like a stronger, more immediate version of that. It is a HELL YES THIS IS DONE.
It is the feeling of knocking out a task that has been bugging you. It is the feeling of writing the final paragraph and thinking, oh yeah this is good. It is finishing. It is waving delightedly as your ship moves away from shore, knowing that this is the perfect way and time to leave on your next adventure.
When you rub this salve into your skin, you start to grin. Everything that needs to leave is exiting. Everything that needs to come in now has room. Let’s do this.
It is a salve that reminds you of your own power. It wakes things up that need awakening. A breeze carrying passion. A secret smile, and maybe you don’t know why yet, and it doesn’t even matter…
If salve does not appeal, you can have this in tea form, as a bath, cocktail, whatever works for you. Not only is there enough salve, there are also enough ways to receive it.
Playing live at the meme beach house — the Fake Band of the Week!
This band is from Richard and it’s called Kerning Catastrophe, and they are a Scottish band that plays ragtime, but with bagpipes and actually it turns out that the whole band is somehow just one guy.
Attenzione! Attention, AGENTS.
I am deep in an undercover mission to get better at receiving in all forms, or as I’m calling it: Glowing Receptivity and Being Receptive to Glow. Including the skill of gracefully accepting thanks.
It is related to my mission of Coming Out Of All The Closets and sharing about my personal experiences with not-sharing-how-hard-things-are.
If you would like to take a part in this and support me on my mission by sharing sweetness and appreciation for any aspect of my work, I would love that. You can do it with the magic of words, through the comments, or add something to Barrington’s Discretionary fund. (Explanation!)
And if the way you are glowing appreciation is quietly in your heart, I like that too. ♡
Come play if you like…
Join me in the comments. Some of us share hard and good, some of us say hi, or maybe we’re on silent retreat. My ritual doesn’t have to be your ritual. Whatever works for you. Almost three hundred weeks of this and there still isn’t a right way.
Everyone belongs. We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. We don’t give advice.
Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.
p.s. It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — join in whenever you like, it’s no big deal. And I am blowing kisses to the Beloved Lurkers. I love that you are here too.
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hello everyone and Cluck!!
what worked this week: Best Practices, especially good Exit the Day. Not as much sitting as i’d like, but hey, progress. also, staying calm, Nothing is wrong Actually.
the sucks:
-SO MUCH at work to do, so many people who need it NOW NOW NOW. bad feels about my slackitude past few weeks, my lack of clarity and focus. ughs
-the worst is the husband being an absolutel nightmare to be with, including cold-shouldering, silent treatment. ugh
-continued bullshit around when the kids go to miami and with whom. i am now taking them on a 7AM flight (good gawd), will be there from fri to sun nite, then back at work the next day. because that takes care of everyone’s needs
-WHY IS MY PAYCHECK SHORT 4 HOURS!!! THIS WAS THE WORST WEEK FOR THAT
-sorry, i’ve been yelling a lot
-caming home from work and falling into candy crack. all my sloth and lack of ambition is hard right now
-oh right it’s June, the June brain-fog has set in. just when i want things to be most awesome, this weird energy settles in and makes me stupid cranky and unproductive, all my worst attricbutes come out to play
-husband admkits he gets this too, it makes all the past Junes with all their assorted horribleness make more sense.
-June is kinda kicking my ass this year
– the jungle of rhe backyard
-the joy of hot flashes. that started a few days ago and WOW is that fun
-knwoing i need to stop complaining and vibing on misery and not being able to stop
the good:
-i got stuff done
-i was abe to remain calm under many trying corcumstances
-the foundation is strong
-wizard school is showing me treasure
-omg i went on an Artists date last week
-Joyce’s wedding was beautiful
-traveling with the girls was fun. going to fort collins was an adventure and showed me i need not be so timid about going places
-once hsuband told me about his June pattern, things fell into place. as often happens, when we can finally say, i’m behaving like ashit for x reason, things open up and get nice again
-lots of superpowers clicking in smoothly like: Nothing is wrong, i rest into the miracle and there it is, i know the next thing to so. Compasing a lot and taking a Pause for a RGW.
Cluck
Humming the hum of triumphant closure!
This has been a week of clinging to the sides of the row boat as it rides the waves, just waiting until the seas calm. I have two days to deal with some rather gargantuan(at least my head) iguanas, and those days are here and I am not sufficiently rested but it’s going to have to do.
The dreaded meeting went really well, and took more than twice the time we’d asked for. Mostly because we added a topic to the discussion, and it was fine, and the outcome was better than I’d hoped for. Yay!
What worked? Resetting the alarm, rolling over, and going back to bed. Also, being scattered but confident with the new doctors. All the doctor appointments, and things are improving. Or rather, the prospects are improving.
What didn’t? Stupid bloody office. Noise, light, inconsiderate people, discomfort. UGH. I have an escape hatch and I will continue to use it. Also happy that I can leave pretty much at will right now and get myself taken care of. This is vital. (Heh.)
Yay for all the ops and the new understandings! I am oaky. Well, no, I am okay, but that makes me laugh. Oaky-doaky!
I am also oaky. Heh.
Another one of these:
-o-
And the glow of quiet thankfulness/appreciation.
What was hard this week?
My feet hurt. I have been walking many many places, not always in good shoes.
Doubt monsters of the sneaky kind. Why? Everything is good. My new love (new! love!) is wonderful, why the doubt and worries? Thought it might be hormonal but it’s a week early for that. [OH GOD YOU’RE PREGNANT.] Oh, hello you. In the monster-pen please. Thanks.
Difficulties and miscommunications with the one-who-left. Sorted now but bleh.
What was good this week?
The one-who-left is well. My leaving him has not prompted the depression I worried about. Or if it did, he seems to be climbing out of it.
My new home! I got my new sofa. I traded in DVDs I didn’t want for a chunk of cash I wasn’t expecting. I scored a pallet to make things out of!
We went to the aquarium to look at the octopus.
I had a good Wednesday night dance too. Dance with all the people! Yay!
I went to a dinner party at a friend’s house. Just take my word for it that this is a big deal.
Some good nights spent with my lovely love, and some good nights on my own. Two options, both good.
Meditation with other people. I even led a meditation, which was great.
My superpowers this week: Moving from the good to the good. Making changes in the name of delight instead of screaming frustration. I offer this superpower to all of you, because it’s quite wonderful. Seriously, try it.
Thank you for the chicken. And, you know, everything else.
Making changes in the name of delight instead of screaming frustration. Very interesting! I would love to give that a try, maybe as an early birthday present. Thank you, Will!
Ohmygod this is so perfect and crazy, right now I’m editing the Book of Xs and Ys, which is my latest YEARbook, 184 pages, and there is a whole section on this theme of from the good to the good, and it is exactly the part I am editing, I will have Richard send it to you!
Aw, sweet! Thank you!
Oh, I very much like the idea of making changes from delight!
Well, hey there, Friday!
Hard:
–The shoe finally dropped.
–Oh, let’s call it Dynamic Crankiness.
–Sleep problems.
Good:
–The shoe wasn’t *thrown*, exactly. It just dropped. So that was different, and Now Is Not Then.
–My daughter’s birthday was cozy and lovely.
–Lots of music-making, here, there, and everywhere. This feels like progress.
I now invoke the superpower of Knowing Who I Am. <3
What worked?
Making radish cake. Submitting a proposal. Selling the books and CDs.
Next time?
Get more sleep sooner. Make a spray with the tea tree oil.
Hard, vexing, etc.
1. Waiting for answers
2. Income lag
3. Shoes full of snide
4. The am-I-wasting-time/money wibbles
5. Throwing out food. Or, more specifically, the why-do-you-not-yet-have-a-handle-on-using-things-on-time monster jig.
6. A-list envy.
7. Skin issues.
8. Father’s Day ad barrage. Alyssa said it so well in her VPA.
Good, sparkly, etc.
1. So much love for man, dog, friends, house…
2. Romance-novel binge. Outspoken dowagers FTW!
3. Enthusiastic response to the proposal.
4. Dead Sea mud mask — felt good, brought up nice memories.
5. Research mojo in the house!
6. Writing mojo not in the house, but writing got done anyway.
7. Blessed air-conditioning.
8. The awesome cashier who rang up and bagged my groceries while I ran home to retrieve my wallet.
Shabbat shalom. Warm wishes and safe journeys to all y’all.
Next time I have the loves, it will be a different kind. <–YES. YES. Yes. Me too. (And I did and it was and that's evidence for the next next time, so thank you briefest shining interlude for being the treasure that you were.) <3 <3 <3
Cluck!
Hardschtuffs…
* Self-doubt crapfests and simultaneous trusting that my 'procrastination' is actually my deep parts moving things around inside so that when I end up Making The Move it will be more powerful and clear and accurate. Like waiting for the ….player who is kicking the soccer ball (?penalty shot? when he can take his damn time and we're all waiting until he's ready)… to get on and kick it already. My sports metaphors are awful because I know ze naarrrttthink about sports At All, but maybe perfect because I used to get frustrated by Why Are We Waiting For You To Kick The Damn Ball Already and now I see it as Trusting Your Body Will Know When You're Ready To Kick. And I think this is what I'm doing with my iguanas. That is a TERRIBLE mixed metaphor. Poor iguanas, I will not kick you, I promise. I will kick the soccer balls I don't feel ready to kick yet. In the meantime, the frustrations from non-sportivo impatient me is running strong.
* that one very deeply graceless afternoon, and the wash-up of that. Bummer…….. ugggh, wish there was a second take on these things.
* Dishes, food, laundry. The endless tidal wave vs bucket sensation. UGGGHHH.
* Gloriously strong boundaries infuriate people who have always thrived on you having porous and malleable boundaries, and even though their kicks and darts don't get through they still happen and oh FFS would you please just BE SOMEBODY ELSE ALREADY? No? You are who you are? Still? Ughgh.
* Cold cold cold cold cold. (I'm a reptile, I know it's not cold compared to so much of the northern hemisphere winter snow and ice cold. But….. I need to live somewhere tropical one day, clearly. Because uggghh!! Cold!!!)
* The endless ear infections continue for Little Lad. Wondertoddler has a cold. The neverendingness of these beautiful people weighs heavily sometimes. I want to feel deeply and clearly my professed belief in the inherent okayness of not being built to be a full-time mother, the okayness of even the simple parts being boring and hard. But clearly there are parts of me that still judge me for not revelling in it and thinking I would really be better off with a cat you only have to feed once a day………………. A work in progress!
* missing my molos. Trusting the process.
Gudenschtuffs….
* cash, clarity and capacity.
* sixteen year old 'i wanna be a fashion designer' me is giggling gleefully about my life right now.
* I've never had the time, money or energy (or wherewithal) to allow myself to play around much with the girlish arts (hair, make up, etc). And besides, ugh patriarchy, etc. And now that's it's going to be a part of my life I'm pleased to discover that it actually feels like burlesque, or drag… I'm playing the part of a 'woman'. I don't feel that I look 'better' with or without make up etc, I just look closer or less close to 'what is expected a [______] will look like'. Camouflage. War paint. A passport and visa. A spy costume. Which makes it fun and lets me do my work while still feeling aligned. There are other ways to do this.
* babysitters and my kids coping with them. Aaaah, freedom and support! Yesssss
* I trust and believe in myself. Mostly. A lot more than I used to. SO GROUNDING. Feeling big enough for my life! (Except housework, but, like, whatevs. Picking my battles!)
<3 <3 <3
Blessings to everyone. xxxxxx
What worked this week: Letting in new thoughts and ideas without feeling like I have to start “working” with them, just sitting with them and getting a sense of what they mean to me.
Next week I might: Do the thing for others sooner instead of coasting as if I had a lot of time to do it. Time too often gets away from me.
Hard:
slightly scary medical news
procrastinating on the phone calls because why? IDK.
sore muscles
Good:
book sale!
friends/family
feeling the love
quiet times
installing new habits
treasuring
the Butler cut down the weeds for me (complaining all the while, but still!)
insights
What worked?
Remembering that because I am not in Bolivia, I can pick up and go anywhere, anytime. And so getting in my car this morning and driving through the rain until it turned to sun and climbing my little heart out. And then turning around and coming back home.
Keeping going even when it was difficult and hot and no one would have known if I’d turned around early.
The Hard? I can’t remember now. My legs are tired, my brain is full of mountain vistas and I will wake up tomorrow aching and happy.
The Good? Everything I suppose, in some way.
<3 <3 <3
Also, the whole peice about healing that comes from seeing, n being resistant — totally resonating with that. that was a thing this week too.
Oh, I am SO excited for a YEARbook and I am SOOOO happy to have a Salve of Triumphant Closure which I didn’t even know existed, and now I have it and I notice it has a really fantastic scent! THANK YOU.
The Good: The Dude and I have survived a week of carpooling. We celebrated with dinner out on Saturday. Now is Not Then and I don’t have to be bothered by Every Picky Thing that is different about carpooling as opposed to driving myself. It’s just different. And we can play with possibilities.
Going to Pasadena with a girlfriend to an art exhibit featuring an installation by Suvan Geer, who also does the Hearts & Minds ministry (a listening ministry) at My Church. Wasn’t completely blown away, but it was far from Dire. I can handle Surrealism and sculptures and physical installations much better than non-representational art. Suvan was impressed by how much I had “gotten” what she meant.
What worked:
Asking about the qualities of the wants.
The mysterious and hard stuff :
The Case of Nerves has “My Voice Box” stenciled on the side. I have noticed that my voice has sounded strained by the end of every work day recently, until I noticed it, and then it hasn’t sounded so strained.
Talking to the Monster from The Future whose message boiled down to Things Will Get Worse delivered with a raygun pointed at me. By the time I got around to talking to him, my fear had subsided. He agreed that I have gotten better at handling changes for the Worse, but did not agree to stay away or be less aggressive in his presentation.
What I might try in the future?
Continue to Release the future during the month of Release, armed with the Salve of Delighting in Releasing.
Continue to look all around to get perspective and continue playing with a 3D spherical or octahedral compass.
Build a safe house from which to face the Finances. Remember back to when the monthly Finances weren’t the Wolf at the Door. I have put a love note, the Hug, Love, Kiss symbol, on the Folder of Bills. Take time to look at the qualities of buying new stuff before buying it to make sure they will bring the desired qualities and that we need the qualities Now. They will, we needed them, and I bought it.
Loving chickens to you, all.