What's in the gallery?
We dissolve stuck and rewrite patterns. We apply radical playfulness to life (when we feel like it!), embarking on internal adventures (credo of Safety First). We have a fake band called Solved By Cake. We build invisible sanctuaries, invent words and worlds, breathe awe and wonder.
We are not impressed by monsters. Except when we are. We explore the connections between internal territories and surrounding environment to learn what marvelously supportive delicious space feels like, and how to take exquisite care of ourselves. We transform things.* We glow wild.**
* For example: Desire, fear, worry, pain-and-trauma, boundaries, that problematic word which rhymes with flaweductivity.
** Fair warning: Self-fluency has been known to lead to extremely subversive behavior, including treasuring yourself unconditionally, unapologetically taking up space, experiencing outrageously improbable levels of self-acceptance, and general rejoicing in aliveness.
What's in the gallery?
We dissolve stuck and rewrite patterns. We apply radical playfulness to life (when we feel like it!), embarking on internal adventures (credo of Safety First). We have a fake band called Solved By Cake. We build invisible sanctuaries, invent words and worlds, breathe awe and wonder.
We are not impressed by monsters. Except when we are. We explore the connections between internal territories and surrounding environment to learn what marvelously supportive delicious space feels like, and how to take exquisite care of ourselves. We transform things.* We glow wild.**
* For example: Desire, fear, worry, pain-and-trauma, boundaries, that problematic word which rhymes with flaweductivity.
** Fair warning: Self-fluency has been known to lead to extremely subversive behavior, including treasuring yourself unconditionally, unapologetically taking up space, experiencing outrageously improbable levels of self-acceptance, and general rejoicing in aliveness.
Wish 264: lovingly curated
Personal ads. They’re … personal! Very.
♡
What do I want?
The past few months of asking “What happens when I treasure myself?” have brought me to the realization that treasuring my space (both external and internal) is the thing I need to learn, the next mission.
Since my last visit to the Vicarage, I’ve been clearing all kinds of things out of my home and workspace and the Playground, letting them find their way to better homes for them.
I haven’t really had a name for what I’m doing, until Saturday morning when I awoke with this phrase resting in my mouth, a gift from the sleep fairies, or from my heart:
Lovingly Curated
It is both completely right, and also at the same time something is missing. It’s a partial name, or a partial concept.
So my wish for this week has to do with both the experience of Lovingly Curated (and being the loving curator), and learning more about this concept to have a better understanding of what it is that I want.
It is a wish about process, and a wish about approach, at the same time.
What do I know about this so far?
I just flashed on something and I’m not sure how to explain it.
When I opened the Playground (my retreat center), four years and three months ago, if you can believe it’s been that long, I had very strong feelings about what could go inside. I wanted things to be Just Right.
Gradually I realized that the best thing I could do for both the Playground and the people who come play was to let go of any kind of vision or rules about Just Right.
Richard’s instinct to paint walls in bright colors (crimson! wild orange!) was absolutely on target, even though it never would have occurred to me. Things came in — toys, costumes, decorations, that I wouldn’t have chosen for the space but they worked. More importantly, everyone used them and delighted in playing with them.
I watched Rally people invent brilliant costumes and build the most creative forts, from objects I would probably have vetoed due to attachment to Just Right. They found clues in books I wouldn’t have picked. They uncovered treasure in things I didn’t value.
This was eye-opening for me, and helped release rules about how it “should be”.
Flash forward to now. We have accumulated so much. And I haven’t curated. Unless I have a strong negative reaction to an object, it gets to hang out at the Playground.
Now I’ve reached the point where it is time to let things flow out again.
Flowing out again….
Last week while clearing things out, I found a Reflecting (shhh, it’s a collage, and for some reason I am allergic to the word collage) from November 2011 at a Rally.
I’d forgotten that I’d made it, and the theme was — GET THIS! — treasuring my space.
It was beautiful. And I’d pasted that delicious William Morris quote:
Have nothing in your houses that you do not know to be useful, or believe to be beautiful.
It is time to start curating again. Making conscious love-infused choices about what gets to live in my spaces.
What else do know about [Lovingly]?
It is both the right word and not the right word. I need some synonyms for lovingly. Fondly curated? No. Passionately curated? No. Adoringly? No.
None of those is even close to what I am trying to get at. Hmmm. What are the elements in here? When I say lovingly, in this context, what kind of lovingly is it?
Lovingly =
+intentional +presence +with love +sweetness +grace +warmth +really there for this experience + engaged +alive +interacting +charged +knowing that this mission is vital
So it’s about presence. Doing an action that is infused with love, in a way that is infused with love and with an intention that is infused with love.
Loving is the right word. And it is a love that is very engaged. Okay, I don’t know where this is going at all, and it’s still good to have this additional intel.
What do I know about this?
There is a lot of emotion tangled up in this.
Clearing out physical objects can be surprisingly fraught. Or not surprisingly at all, if you hang out in the world of people who think about “organizing” (oh that unfortunate word!) and related themes.
There is all the emotional dust that gets kicked up, as Cairene puts it, when you start to examine what’s in your space.
And the identity stuff. Questioning choices that past-me made, even though I know from experience that she was always doing the best she could to the best of her abilities with the intel she had at the time, and everything she did was for me-now. Agonizing about choices related to future-me, even though I know there are no wrong choices as long as I’m acting from love.
There is the usual parade of monsters who think this is all stupid, and the Time Gremlins who think it’s an extravagant and shameful waste of time.
Speaking of shame.
So much shame.
That’s the big emotion that gets trapped (and revealed) for me when it comes to working with my stuff about Space.
Space, Time, Money and Love. The four big themes where our pain shows up.
So there’s shame in here, and fear. Which means there is opportunity for release. It also means SAFETY FIRST and PLAY AT THE EDGES, because any encounter with big emotion requires as much safety as possible.
Lovingly curating my internal space means committing to making this experience safe for myself. That’s important too.
Where do I want to start?
Talking to incoming me, the one who enjoys being a Loving Curator, and finding out what she knows.
Skip stones as often as possible.
Dance. Intensity. Writing. Red lipstick. Eight breaths. My body gets the deciding vote.
Using the compass. Last week’s is perfect. Eight breaths: one in each direction.
Simplicity. Delight. Ease. Beauty. Anchor. Release. Glow. Wild.
Saying thank you in advance.
Me: Hey, Incoming Me aka Slightly Wiser Me! What do you know?
She: Love the curation. Love your role as the curator. You are the treasure and you are the treasurer (and the Treasurer!). Making choices about your space is a form of exercising your sovereignty, you have yearned for this.
So this is a gift, not a chore. When you catch yourself turning it into a task, pause for breath, take the purple pills, and start over. This is an adventure, a passionate summer fling, a voyage you have longed for. Let it be that.
How does this relate to Tranquility?
July is Tranquility in the Fluent Self calendar.
Superpower: Remembering that Now Is Not Then.
Tranquility is the companion to lovingly curated. This isn’t the kind of re-ordering I’ve done in the past where EVERYTHING MUST LEAVE. No violence or destruction this round. An emptying with calm and sweetness, curiosity and patience. Tranquility is my anchor.
Oh wow, what beautiful wishes.
Oh, wow. What beautiful wishes.
What else do I want?
- Everything is easier than I thought, and look, miracles everywhere.
- I have the best time dancing in my ballroom.
- This doesn’t require my input!
- Ha, it’s so perfect that it turned out like this. Past me is a GENIUS
- I have what I need, and I appreciate it. There are resources to do this.
- Trust and steadiness. I can see why this moment is good.
- I am fearless and confident. I do the brave things and it is not even a big deal, and I still get sparklepoints, yay.
- Ops: Real Seeing. The Protocols. Sip Hint Learn. The Panache Brigade!
Clues?
At last week’s Waltz Brunch I had an absolutely incredible dance to this song . This is actually a perfect example of the question of curation. This is not a song I would normally listen to by choice for more than about three seconds, but during the magic of the dance, I heard it.
The longer the waiting, the sweeter the kiss.
There’s a lot in that phrase, but right now what I am taking from it is that everything I haven’t done until now is not Terrible Choices or procrastination, as my monsters would have it, it is just the time I needed to take to make these new kisses sweeter.
Progress report on past Very Personal Ads.
So. Last week, aka a wild abundance of dance partners…
Imagining my projects as dance partners has been unbelievably helpful. And at the Wednesday dance, I had an actual wild abundance of actual dance partners, which never, ever happens there. Especially since there were a million follows and people who dance way better than I do. That’s usually a dance where I do a lot of watching, and this week it was a place to do a lot of dancing.
I also wish to report that Operation White Out was a huge success with a (yes!) wild abundance of pretty much everything.
Attenzione! Attention, AGENTS.
I wish to whisper a whisper about the Monster Manual! It comes paired with the world’s best coloring book, which does so much monster-dissolving magic that even if you wait to try the techniques, you’ll still feel better about everything.
Self-fluency is hard enough, we need ways to to interact with the thoughts-fear-worry-criticism that shuts down creative exploring. And when people get the manual, I am able to me spend more time writing here. So if you don’t need help with monsters, get one for a friend. Or plant a wish that someone gets it for you! And bring people you like to hang out here. The more of us working on our stuff, the better for all of us. ♡
Keep me company?
Consider this an open invitation to deposit wishes, gwishes, personal ads. In any size/form you like, there’s no right way. Updates on past experiments are welcome too, as is anything sparked for you.
Commenting culture: This is safe space for creative exploration. We are on permanent vacation from care-taking and advice-giving. We are here to play.
Let’s throw things in the pot! And: Amnesty. Leave a wish any time you want.
xox
Chicken 313: we’re no strangers to love
It is Friday and we are here.
{a breath for Friday}
What worked this week?
Not having my computer.
This was an accidental discovery. Richard’s computer had to go to the hospital so I let him use mine and decided to work on projects that do not require typing, pixels or the vast rabbitholes of the internet.
My body-mind is/are feeling happy and surprisingly tranquil, so that’s kind of neat. And those other projects turned out to be both more important and more complicated than I’d realized. That was actually good news, because it gives me intel to share with my monster crew who think I’m lazy and disorganized, and say if I “just took an hour to clear stuff out…”
Well, I got to spend three whole days on things they think should just take an hour, and it was useful to learn that they are wildly underestimating everything. Also I found some important clues.
So. Something that seemed like an Interruption actually turned out to be full of Treasure, in the form of unexpected good surprises. I want to remember this.
Next time I might…
Remember Rick Astley.
A few years ago I stopped clicking on posts with titles that sounded like they had really solid information.
Like, The Best Eight Ways to ____________.
Whatever the eight ways turned out to be, they were inevitably disappointing. Maybe three were things I already did, four were just stupid, and one was irrelevant.
Nowadays of course, it’s more like “YOU’LL NEVER BELIEVE WHAT HAPPENED NEXT”, and it purports to be about something I care about or am curious about. And then, of course, the only actual astonishing thing turns out to be how completely unremarkable the surprise is, and how spectacular the waste of time.
Before my trip to the Vicarage, I had a habit of avoiding these links, and then every once in a while I’d click anyway, and be disappointed.
Since the Vicarage, my attitude is more like, Hey sweetie, do you really want this? Does this seem like it’s going to bring you pleasure?
After running some experiments, it’s clear that 99.9% of the time, there is no pleasure in the click. It’s basically a rickroll. Except less fun because that song is awesome.
What I’d like to do now is start humming Never Gonna Give You Up whenever I consider clicking. That will take me back to PLAYFULNESS, which is where I want to be, and away from this sensation of “ugh, really?!”
Eight breaths for the hard, challenging and mysterious.
- It was one of those weeks where Everything Breaks, in small, symbolic ways. Favorite sweater has a tear. My Bond Girl boots broke, unexpectedly, and my Cobbler of the Magic Powers can’t do anything with them. Papercuts. Bruises. Things are lost. A breath for transition and adjustment.
- Dark circles under my eyes. A breath for noticing this..
- I really don’t want to be online, it doesn’t do good things for me, and yet a large portion of my life happens here. And I love this space here. A breath for finding a new way to be here and not there.
- So much pain in the world. May peacefulness prevail. A breath for may peacefulness prevail, and for turning inward so that I can add peacefulness, like adding spices.
- Wild goose chases. A breath for trusting the process and for more letting go.
- Talking with someone I like, and discovering this person has strong unexamined opinions regarding a situation about which he is remarkably unknowledgeable and about which I happen to know a lot. I found this pretty distressing and did a lot of wheel-grinding before I remembered to wish him and everyone else peacefulness. A breath for this feeling of disappointment.
- Letting things go. Man, it is complicated. A breath for trust.
- Inhale, exhale. Goodbye, mysteries and hard moments of this week.
Eight breaths of good, reassuring, delight-filled.
- The best gift: a poem and a pot, both beautiful, both made by Angela. The pot is so perfect that Richard said, “This is the most Havi pot I have ever seen, how did she know?!” A breath for pleasure.
- The qualities and superpowers I have been playing with for the past few months — Wildly Confident / Wonderfully Peaceful / I Treasure My Space — are starting to feel like home, and they’ve been working in ways I hadn’t even imagined possible. A breath for appreciation and wonder.
- My dear friend Colleen the Signmaker was in town and we had tea at the Playground, and it was so lovely. A breath for full deep heart love.
- I didn’t get upset about any of the breaking. I am letting things go, and I am doing it with ease this time around. Not that it’s easy, just that I am easing. With the help of things that are like purple pills. A breath for a new way of doing this.
- Operation White Out is happening! The notorious noir gunslinger is leaving Eugene and headed this way, we will be running experiments on invisibility and panache, while avoiding henchmen and WEARING HATS. A breath for adventure, companionship, silliness, play.
- DANCING! So much fantastic dance this week. A two hour Kizomba workshop that Anil talked me into had me completely enthralled. Between Saturday Night Fever and Sunday’s Waltz Brunch, I spent most of the weekend whirling around the dance floor. Swing, waltz, foxtrot, rumba, salsa, fusion, fun. Wonderful dancing, lovely people. Wednesday’s west coast swing dance was unbelievably great, maybe the best one yet, and then I went to see the Barn Door Slammers last night, where there was even more good dancing. A breath for sheer joy and delight in life.
- I am noticing patterns, clearing things out, letting so much go, and listening to the quiet internal voice. I always do this, it’s both my work and what I do, but right now it is happening in a more intense and intentional way than before. A breath for treasure, and for change.
- Appreciation and thankfulness. Thank you, kaleidoscopes. Thank you, kaleidoscope coloring book that I found when the quiet internal voice suggested reorganizing the library at the Playground. Thank you, risk-taking. Thank you, asking. Thank you, wonderful and unexpected answers. Thank you, good news. Thank you, yesterday-me and tomorrow-me, I love you both so much.Thank you, everything that brought me here. Thank you, red lipstick. Thank you, lovely surprises. Nothing is wrong. Now is not then. All Timing Is Right Timing. So many things are good. A breath for deep appreciation in my thank-you heart.
WHAM BOOM! Operations completed.
I have been clearing stuff out like mad. Operation Kaleidoscopic Revue was a smashing success. As was my mission to Love the Loathe. Operation Basket Weaving yielded surprising results. And we are on schedule for the Secret Dinner. Wham Boom.
Superpowers!
Powers I had this week…
The power of Everything That Is Mine Returns To Me. I’ve been repeating this over and over, and things are coming back. Or they aren’t, but it’s okay, because they aren’t mine. Found a beloved garment I thought had been lost at the Vicarage. Found a clue that I had been waiting for.
And I also had the superpower of wishing peacefulness (may peacefulness prevail!) when I found myself cycling through conversations in my head, I would like more of this and to do it faster. This is a good one.
Superpowers I want.
The power of finding the good, and the power of knowing that every moment is treasure. The power of knowing that sometimes the letting go is the treasure.
Salve. The Salve of Letting Go Is Treasure.
This salve softens everything, brings an ease and a lightness.
As it melts into your skin, you forget why you thought you needed to hold on so tightly to something that was done. Suddenly it makes sense that the things that don’t fit your life would find their way out. A warmth spreads through you, it is peaceful and tingly at the same time, and then there is this extra spaciousness as if you have more capacity to take in breath and let it go.
This salve has the qualities of Safety, Resilience, Undoing, Love.
If salve does not appeal, you can have this in tea form, as a bath, cocktail, whatever works for you. Not only is there enough salve, there are also enough ways to receive it.
Playing live at the meme beach house — the Fake Band of the Week!
This band is called Institute Of Molecular Biology Potluck, they are from Rio de janeiro, their latest album is Smooth Science, it’s ambient trance music and actually the band is just one guy.
Attenzione! Attention, AGENTS.
I spend a lot of time saying “ohmygod I want to go somewhere and WRITE, I want to go on a writing retreat” and then I never do that because of the part where hahaha I’d probably have to sit around with Writers and talk about what I’m writing.
And then I realized I could invent my own that would be exactly what I want. Price super low because I need to leave town for a couple of weeks. It is called a Righting Retreat.
Partly because that sounds less intimidating (to me), and partly because it is true. We will Right things.
Come read the page because 1) I swear a lot, 2) I make a pun that is also truth, 3) there is a cloud that makes me smile, 4) I can’t be the only person who longs for this, 5) I just made a thing and would love company, 6) there is an extra-extra-extra low price.
I need to check with Richard on this however I think there are two spots left
—-> https://fluentself.com//righting/ —-> PASSWORD: oneword
Come play if you like…
Join me in the comments. Some of us share hard and good, some of us say hi, or maybe we’re on silent retreat. My ritual doesn’t have to be your ritual. Whatever works for you. Almost three hundred weeks of this and there still isn’t a right way.
Everyone belongs. We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. We don’t give advice.
Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.
p.s. It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — join in whenever you like, it’s no big deal. And I am blowing kisses to the Beloved Lurkers. I love that you are here too.
Two of my favorite words.
It was Rally Q, and it was quite-quite many things, and Q is a special letter for me.
I have a very clear memory of learning Q in kindergarten.
Well, I already knew how to read so the learning-the-letters part of kindergarten was kind of boring, but Q! I remember admiring the glorious swirl of it, and being fixated on the page in the book with the drawing of the queen.
In my mind this memory is tied up with the day someone painted a swastika on the wall of the school, and they took us away while it got painted over or blasted off. It might not have been the same day. Memory is a funny-odd thing, such a funny-odd thing, but if I think about Q, I think about that day and I see Q in the book. That is my memory of Q.
Two of my favorite words begin with Q:
Queen.
And: Quiet.
The relationship between quiet and queenliness.
This is something I knew about before I ever knew about it, and it takes us to the labyrinth, another story of memory.
There is a stone in the deck of Stone Skipping cards that asks: “What is the connection between rest and sovereignty?”
It is there to remind me about the labyrinth in Taos, which revealed to me, in a way that was remarkably clear:
Being the loving, compassionate, playful, creative, responsible adult in charge of the kingdom of my life requires taking exquisite care of myself.
I take care of myself and give myself restful experiences because it is kind, and needed. And also so I can get quiet enough to hear the wise steady internal voice telling me what to pay attention to, what I need, and what’s next.
When I’m not quiet inside, I can’t hear. And I need to hear to be a bell.
The queen of getting quiet.
There are not a lot of Q words, but they have heft.
At Rally Q, Elizabeth and I made a compass that was a sentence that was a spell, wrapping around into itself like a snake whose tail is tucked into its mouth.
I am the queen of qualities.
I am the queen of qualities with a quill on a quest of quiet, queuing up what I want quickly to quench my need to be the queen of qualities.
The queen of qualities with a quill of qualities on a quest of quiet qualities, queuing qualities, for quickness of quality-quenching.
Then we realized we forgot about Queerness (how do you forget that?!), so we put it in the center and let it radiate out to meet the other points.
We left a word out too.
Quirky. I dislike that word, and so does Elizabeth, probably because it gets applied to both of us all the time. So we left it out of the compass, intentional neglect.
Quirky to me comes off as apologetic, apologizing for something I don’t think requires apologies. It’s the word people use in social media. “You’ll like Havi — though, just so you know, she’s pretty quirky…”
Translation: “Even though Havi is a giant weirdo and I feel slightly uncomfortable admitting that I like her work, I am telling you about her but don’t hate me when you find out how weird she is.”
I also hear quirky as “needs to settle down and get serious”.
And Elizabeth hears quirky as “yeah we actually aren’t going to pay you” and “if a man had done this we’d say it was brilliant, creative and inspired, but because it’s you, we’ll call it quirky”.
Not our word. Maybe it’s your word though. People vary! Feel free to adore quirkiness as much as you like.
The funny thing is, I do like quirkiness. That is: I like playfulness and eccentricity and doing what you want. I like the sound of the word, with its fun kicky K in the middle.
I just have less than fun associations with it as a label that gets applied to me.
Quill.
Quill surprised me as being a word I like more than I realized before the week of Q (and the week of Queue).
Quill is:
Magic. Writing. Spells. Process. Wand. Muse. Of the earth. Inspiration. Conviction. Conjuring. Play. Invoking. Scrolls. Sharpness. Deepening. Mystery. Story. Power.
I am really liking quill.
Other quite wonderful Q words.
Quickening. Quote. Quixotic. Quizzical. Queer. Quest and Questing. Questions. Query. Quite. Quotable. Quilt. Quiz. Quip. Quintessential. Quatrain. Query. Quince. Qaqortoq, in Greenland, where I found an excellent clue and made friends with a very sweet puppy. Quintessential. Quoz.
That last one is from my favorite book: Ounce Dice Trice, a must if you, like me, are someone who takes immense pleasure in what Nick calls the taste of words.
And peek over here for more Q-filled delights. Like quadrennium, quantophrenia, quingenarious, and quisquilious.
May it be so! And come play with me.
Thank you, letter Q.
If you want to whisper words or sound effects that start with Q, go for it.
If you want to share in any of the qualities and magical words I named here, you can.
They work like the salves in the Friday Chicken: just take some, there is always more.
Whispering loving spells that begin with Q, for myself, and for anyone who wants…
Wish 263: a wild abundance of dance partners
Personal ads. They’re … personal! Very.
♡
What do I want?
I had this beautiful moment of understanding last week at Rally (Rally!) that my projects, ops, missions and next steps are all potential dance partners.
This is useful because I often panic about how many [monsternumber of] things are on my list.
I don’t like having so many things. I get exhausted and overwhelmed just knowing they exist as possibilities. And I have a tendency to overestimate my capacity for doing, and overload my tray.
However, I never get overwhelmed by the possibility of more people to dance with. I adore having plenty of people to dance with.
So what if these are just a wild abundance of dance partners? What if imagining this is how I play this week?
Similarly, what if project time is like dance time!
When I’m at a dance, I take lots of breaks to drink water or watch other people dance. I pause and reconnect to myself. I take notes. I check in with dancer me to make sure I’m taking exquisite care of myself.
Both dancing itself and being at a dance are full of delicious red lights. When you are dancing these are called hesitation steps or holds. In a project, this could be resting on the floor, the magic purple pills.
Also, with projects I often get frustrated when things move slowly. In a dance though, especially in tango or west coast swing or blues, slowness can be thrilling, sexy, impossibly beautiful. In dance, I like to drink at the well of slowness.
During dance time, I feel alive. During dance time, every new song is an adventure. This is how I would like to feel during project time!
What do I know about this?
I have a parade of monsters saying this is stupid and it will never work, and the Time Gremlins think (as usual) that there is NO TIME to experiment with this because I should sit down and work, like a grown up. Except you know what? I am feeling excited about this.
A wild abundance of dance partners! This is what I want in real life too!
I actually got to experience this over the weekend at Waltz Brunch. There was a shortage of follows, and lots of people I have good dances with. People were lining up to dance with me, and it was the most fun thing in the entire world.
Imagining that my projects and Next Steps are dance partners turns project time into a sort of safe house: a place of refuge and shelter, quiet and play.
What else do I know about this?
This is bigger than I think. It has to do with shifting perspective, in a variety of ways.
It gives me a different way to understand my current situation of I Perceive That I Have Lots of Options.
I am hoping this will help transform it from something scary (gah! terror! too many things!) to something delightful: hey, check out this wild abundance of dance partners!
This way of playing/thinking should help me find new perspective on other things as well.
What else do I know about what I want?
This is related to another wish I have that scares me. It is a wish I made two hundred and ten weeks ago and even with the best code name ever, it still scared me so much that I haven’t been able to process it.
When I was at the Vicarage recently, I realized that what I want is an extended period of vicarage time. Months of Vicarage! This past week the theme of sabbatical came up over and over again. I got to have lunch with Agent Tessa who is currently taking a year off from everything, and I asked her if that was as thrilling and terrifying as it sounds, and she confirmed that yes, it is both these things.
I had a lot of questions, and her answers confirmed things that I have been thinking.
Then Agent A told me about his three year experiment of Not Working Just Practicing, which I had not known about before, and I was like, lalalalalala I can’t hear you and had to go hide because OHMYGOD WHAT HOW I WANT I CAN’T I LOVE THAT YOU DID THIS.
Yesterday I went out for a celebratory lunch with the Vicar (the Vicar and the Vicarage are actually not related at all, I know, it’s weird), and he was telling me that he is coming into some time off and can’t wait to figure out how to fill it up.
This sentence made ZERO SENSE TO ME, as my monsters are pretty much convinced that no matter how much time I could take to not-work, it would just get filled up with stupid life stuff like making dentist appointments and getting that pair of shoes fixed.
Same thing. Perspective shift. What if I could get excited about [the open time I crave] instead of dreading it?
Where do I want to start?
Trusting the wish.
Remembering that dance partners aren’t waiting around, arms crossed, toes tapping, hoping I will hurry up. Dance partners are happily dancing with other dance partners. It’s almost like the fractal flowers. My dance partners are becoming better dancers while I’m dancing with whatever I’m dancing with for this song.
Using the compass. Eight breaths: one in each direction.
Simplicity. Delight. Ease. Beauty. Anchor. Release. Glow. Wild.
How is this related to Tranquility?
July is the month of Tranquility in the Fluent Self calendar.
Superpower: Remembering that Now Is Not Then.
Tranquility is the perfect quality to meet my stuff about No Time and Everything Up In The Air. Tranquility, trust and taking a stand in favor of giving myself what I need.
That’s what anchors me.
Talking to Incoming Me…
Me: Whaddya got?
Slightly wiser me: I am loving this phrase A Wild Abundance. Isn’t it amazing how the word abundance sometimes pricks but not when it is a wild abundance of dance partners. I love how you play. And I love how the play changes things.
Me: I’m noticing a fear that I will take time for me and it will be crazy expensive and annoying.
Slightly wiser me: (laughs) As expensive and annoying as paying for the consequences of not taking care of yourself?
Me: Oh yeah, good point, that is way worse.
Slightly wiser me: One day a Wild Abundance of Time will no longer be a scary concept, and that’s because of the work you’re doing right now with your current ops. So keep playing, and trust.
Anything else? Starting points?
Keep talking with Incoming Me. Skip stones as often as possible. Dance. Intensity. Writing. Operation Sip Hint Learn. Red lipstick. Eight breaths. My body gets the deciding vote. Thank you in advance.
What else do I want?
- Everything is easier than I thought, and look, miracles everywhere.
- I have the best time dancing in my ballroom.
- This doesn’t require my input!
- Ha, it’s so perfect that it turned out like this. Past me is a GENIUS
- I have what I need, and I appreciate it. There are resources to do this.
- Trust and steadiness. I can see why this moment is good.
- I am fearless and confident. I do the brave things and it is not even a big deal, and I still get sparklepoints, yay.
- Ops: Joining the Resistance. From the inside!
Clues?
Hot hot hot hot hot hot pink.
And something Incoming Me said:
Let’s see what happens when we ready the [Sanctuary/Shelter/Refuge/Safe Place] in advance instead of running for one when we need it.
Progress report on past Very Personal Ads.
So. Last week, aka the mystery of the purple pills…
This was the exact right thing to have wished for. I am taking them more regularly than I ever have before. Long pauses. Short pauses. AIR mode on the phone so I can Access Internal Resonance. Avoiding things that make it difficult to pause. It’s good.
Also Rally solved a bunch of things for me related to previous wishes. For example, I had this wish in April about taking down the castles through bubbling, and then last week I had an epiphany about how to take down two of the most problematic/complicated castles. I asked Richard to help, and then while I was at Rally (and Angela was blowing bubbles!), one of the castles turned into a compass, and the other one has turned into a new wish. So that’s kind of amazing.
Attenzione! Attention, AGENTS.
I wish to whisper a whisper about the Monster Manual! It comes paired with the world’s best coloring book, which does so much monster-dissolving magic that even if you wait to try the techniques, you’ll still feel better about everything.
Self-fluency is hard enough, we need ways to to interact with the thoughts-fear-worry-criticism that shuts down creative exploring. And when people get the manual, I am able to me spend more time writing here. So if you don’t need help with monsters, get one for a friend. Or plant a wish that someone gets it for you! And bring people you like to hang out here. The more of us working on our stuff, the better for all of us. ♡
Keep me company?
Consider this an open invitation to deposit wishes, gwishes, personal ads. In any size/form you like, there’s no right way. Updates on past experiments are welcome too, as is anything sparked for you.
Commenting culture: This is safe space for creative exploration. We are on permanent vacation from care-taking and advice-giving. We are here to play.
Let’s throw things in the pot! And: Amnesty. Leave a wish any time you want.
xox
Chicken 312: pleasurably disruptive
It is Friday and we are here.
{a breath for Friday}
It is the 312th Chicken in a row. I am back from the Vicarage and really happy to be here. I missed you guys.
What worked this week?
AIR mode.
This has been the most challenging transition back of my four trips to the Vicarage.
That’s not a bad thing. It’s more a function of how powerful this experience was. And it also has to do with not being in a relationship or having a lover: normally when I return I feel a deep aversion to being online, but I bypass that to be connected to someone I want to be close to.
This time there was no reason not to just stay in airplane mode all the time. The AIR stands for Access Internal Resonance.
I let myself be in AIR about 98% of the time, only surfacing when I needed to find out when a bus was arriving. I kept internet off on my computer unless I needed to check something or post something, and then I set a ten minute timer. It was blissful.
Not only did I spend the vast majority of my week in AIR mode, accessing internal resonance, I actually forgot my phone on numerous occasions, including brunch with Max and lunch with Agent Prairie Blue. Forgot it! The thing that holds my bus pass and my schedule. Just forgot it existed. I am delighted about this.
Next time I might…
Schedule emptiness.
I vastly overestimated what I would be capable of doing post-Vicarage.
Explore new ways to reconnect.
Haven’t figured this one out yet.
I am finding being online unbearably overwhelming, so I am trying to avoid The Channels, and yet The Channels are how I connect with people I like, and also I need to be online for my job, and to stay on top of what is happening in the dance world.
So I’m hoping some sort of beautiful solution for this can reveal itself. I already do postcards, so it isn’t that. Anyway, not looking for suggestions, just planting the wish.
Eight breaths for the hard, challenging and mysterious.
- Being back is hard. I don’t know if that’s accurate. It’s different. I’m adjusting. A breath for transition and adjustment.
- Monsters who say if I do what I want, I will become The Crazy Lady that everyone avoids. It sounds very reasonable when they say it. A breath for that.
- I inquired into a thing I wanted, and got a no. Now is not the time even though I wanted it to be the time. A breath for trusting that this is actually treasure.
- SO MANY THINGS. Completely overwhelming. A breath for remembering the purple pills.
- Expectations and holding onto them. A breath for grace.
- Saw someone in the park who looked exactly like someone else, and it wasn’t the person I was hoping to see. A breath for all desire is legitimate.
- I want to be at the Vicarage except I am here and what I really want is to want to be where I am. A breath for trust.
- Inhale, exhale. Goodbye, mysteries and hard moments of this week.
Eight breaths of good, reassuring, delight-filled.
- Elimination and Liberation were my companions this week, the wild jewels in my crown, the qualities I apparently brought back with me from the Vicarage. I unpacked completely on arriving home. I’ve never done that before, ever, in a lifetime of traveling. And since arriving, I’ve been in a mad burst of Congruencing. Moving things out of my life. Reordering them. Clearing out the closets. Letting things go. I got rid of problematic things that have been sitting around for years. I deleted the music on my phone given to me by the Spy. I am in the intensity of spring cleaning, and things are just whooshing out and in, reconfiguring. A breath for release, and for the way that pleasure can be disruptive, and disruptive can (sometimes) be pleasurable.
- The loveliest brunch with Max. We went to Sweedeedee and talked about all the important things. She said something about my peaceful home that everyone says except I hadn’t been able to hear: it is so very peaceful. A breath for the gift of wise friends.
- All the skills I went to the Vicarage to learn about have landed. This week I had the superpowers I have been working towards: Wildly Confident. Wonderfully Tranquil. I went to dance class and didn’t compare myself, didn’t self-criticize. Under normal circumstances, I catch myself while I’m doing these things and remind myself why it isn’t helpful. It’s a process. This time, it was more like: half a moment and then whoosh nipped in the bud unnecessary we’re done with that way of living. No resistance. This is big. A breath for hard work paying off.
- I wrote something and shared it! And I didn’t do the thing where I spend a million hours editing it to be more concise. Life is easier, as it turns out, when I don’t care about trying to pare down to a “reasonable” number of words. Oh, it’s X words? Great! Not caring saves a lot of time. A breath for releasing unexamined rules.
- Play! So much playing. Agent Tessa was a fairy and there were bubbles. I dressed up as The Crazy Lady and did all the things The Crazy Lady would do, and it was actually really fun, and my monsters calmed down because no one even thought it was crazy, and also while being The Crazy Lady I had not the tiniest care what anyone thought anyway. Operation En Blanc is in effect. I have convinced the notorious noir gunslinger to join me, and we will paint the town white and become invisible. A breath for extravagant play and for a great excuse to wear an elaborate hat.
- DANCING! My god I missed it. Three weeks of no dancing, and then the most wonderful dance where I enjoyed every minute. A breath for having found this great love.
- I inquired about a thing I thought I wanted and got a no, which puts it in the category of Not My Bus, and I realized, immediately, that this no was treasure. A breath for treasure, for being able to recognize it, and for big changes in how I see the world.
- All the many reasons to say thank you. So many gems from Operation Kaleidoscope. Delight in being back in my wonderfully peaceful home. Flowers from the garden in my bedroom. Talking to the vicar. Rally T with marvelous playmates. Spirals, naps, epiphanies, good surprises. Thank you, everything that brought me here. Thank you, red lipstick. Thank you, lovely surprises. Nothing is wrong. Now is not then. So many things are good. A breath for deep appreciation in my thank-you heart.
WHAM BOOM! Operations completed.
I wrote a bonus ebook for the Year of Emerging & Receiving group, it is called the Kaleidoscope Compass! Huge progress on the Book of Bridges and Crowns. Operation Tomorrow Me I Love You is going fabulously. Operation T is for Treasure went great. Operation Liberate is in full swing. The Mission of the Mystery Covered Box is complete. Wham Boom.
Superpowers!
Powers I had this week…
The power of reverse-engineering, the power of taking it to eleven, the power of trusting my instincts.
Superpowers I want.
The superpower of remembering that sometimes the treasure is in letting things go.
And I will keep asking for the power of knowing, deeply, that every moment is treasure.
Salve. The Salve of Pleasurably Disruptive.
At brunch with Max she was saying that the YEARbooks, my journals that I share with people in the Year of Emerging & Receiving, are very powerful and intense and delicious, and that she has to read and digest them in tiny bits.
We agreed that the books are Disruptive. Disruptive in a good way. Marvelously Disruptive. Pleasurably disruptive. They stir things, and make room for things, and everything that shifts is good, and also it disrupts things. Like Shiva, the god of destruction/deconstruction who takes stuff apart so the new, beautiful forms can come in. Except in this case the act of the undoing is also sweet, even while it is, well, yes, disruptive.
This is the salve of pleasurable disrupting, sweet interruptions, sexy undoing, joyfully knocking some things down, gentle upheaval, enjoyable rearranging.
The salve of remembering that pleasure can be disruptive and disruptive can (sometimes) be pleasurable
You only need a very little bit. There is a sharpness of clove and a lushness, a richness, a scent that doesn’t have a name. I put a little on the backs of my hands and my wrists and suddenly my skin is deliciously soft, I see with new eyes, my awareness is heightened, I am in the mood to kiss someone, I know exactly what I want, and I know exactly what needs to leave.
It is a mysterious salve: both invigorating and calming, you might even say that it disrupts things (pleasurably, of course) through quieting….
If salve does not appeal, you can have this in tea form, as a bath, cocktail, whatever works for you. Not only is there enough salve, there are also enough ways to receive it.
Playing live at the meme beach house — the Fake Band of the Week!
This band is a lie and they’re called I’m Here To Wear White, they play bluegrass versions of Celine Dion songs and actually it’s just one guy.
Attenzione! Attention, AGENTS.
I spend a lot of time saying “ohmygod I want to go somewhere and WRITE, I want to go on a writing retreat” and then I never do that because of the part where hahaha I’d probably have to sit around with Writers and talk about what I’m writing.
And then I realized I could invent my own that would be exactly what I want. Price super low because I need to leave town for a couple of weeks. It is called a Righting Retreat.
Partly because that sounds less intimidating (to me), and partly because it is true. We will Right things.
Come read the page because 1) I swear a lot, 2) I make a pun that is also truth, 3) there is a cloud that makes me smile, 4) I can’t be the only person who longs for this, 5) I just made a thing and would love company, 6) there is an extra-extra-extra low price for the first few people.
Richard tells me we have two spots left. Do it.
—-> https://fluentself.com//righting/ —-> PASSWORD: oneword
Come play if you like…
Join me in the comments. Some of us share hard and good, some of us say hi, or maybe we’re on silent retreat. My ritual doesn’t have to be your ritual. Whatever works for you. Almost three hundred weeks of this and there still isn’t a right way.
Everyone belongs. We let people have their own experience. We’re supportive and welcoming. We don’t give advice.
Wishing you a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come.
p.s. It’s fine if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — join in whenever you like, it’s no big deal. And I am blowing kisses to the Beloved Lurkers. I love that you are here too.