What's in the gallery?

We dissolve stuck and rewrite patterns. We apply radical playfulness to life (when we feel like it!), embarking on internal adventures (credo of Safety First). We have a fake band called Solved By Cake. We build invisible sanctuaries, invent words and worlds, breathe awe and wonder.

We are not impressed by monsters. Except when we are. We explore the connections between internal territories and surrounding environment to learn what marvelously supportive delicious space feels like, and how to take exquisite care of ourselves. We transform things.* We glow wild.**

* For example: Desire, fear, worry, pain-and-trauma, boundaries, that problematic word which rhymes with flaweductivity.

** Fair warning: Self-fluency has been known to lead to extremely subversive behavior, including treasuring yourself unconditionally, unapologetically taking up space, experiencing outrageously improbable levels of self-acceptance, and general rejoicing in aliveness.

What's in the gallery?

We dissolve stuck and rewrite patterns. We apply radical playfulness to life (when we feel like it!), embarking on internal adventures (credo of Safety First). We have a fake band called Solved By Cake. We build invisible sanctuaries, invent words and worlds, breathe awe and wonder.

We are not impressed by monsters. Except when we are. We explore the connections between internal territories and surrounding environment to learn what marvelously supportive delicious space feels like, and how to take exquisite care of ourselves. We transform things.* We glow wild.**

* For example: Desire, fear, worry, pain-and-trauma, boundaries, that problematic word which rhymes with flaweductivity.

** Fair warning: Self-fluency has been known to lead to extremely subversive behavior, including treasuring yourself unconditionally, unapologetically taking up space, experiencing outrageously improbable levels of self-acceptance, and general rejoicing in aliveness.

Very Personal Ads #110: on tour! But a really tiny tour.

by | Aug 13, 2011 |

very personal adsPersonal ads. They’re … personal! Very.

Each week I write these VPAs to practice asking for what I want. And to get clarity on what that really is, even when asking feels conflicted.

I always get useful information about my relationship with various aspects of the ask. Join in if you like!

Thing 1: a breadbox

Here’s what I want:

Last week I was puzzling over how odd it is that I can have something as beautiful and amazing as homemade sourdough bread made from Hoppy House yeasties, but then I just keep it in a plastic bag.

That seems kind of disrespectful to the bread. And to Hoppy House, who is my greatest love.

So I would like to find a beautiful wooden breadbox that is just the thing. It is simple, special — to me, and it feels like home. And I can afford it, or I can comfortably make the choice to invest in it.

Ways this could work:

Not sure.

Maybe you guys know people. Maybe one of my craft-ey Portland friends or friends-of-friends will have ideas.

I can ask Dana if she has ideas. Or maybe Hope would know.

My commitment.

To plant the gwish.

To keep my eyes open.

To tell everyone I know that this is what I’m looking for.

To talk to Hoppy House more.

Thing 2: my massage treatment

Here’s what I want:

I have two lovely body treatments that are gifts, none of which I’ve gotten around to actually using yet.

Even though I absolutely want to.

Ways this could work:

I could find out which parts of me are avoiding this (maybe they feel uncomfortable about some aspect of this?).

And I can ask slightly future me how we resolved this.

And I can use code words for the phone call, of course!

Bing! Sorry. Just had a total shivanautical realization as I was writing this that actually I could give this project to the First Mate and he could set it up for me.

My commitment.

To enjoy.

To do what I can to get better at this weird thing which is receiving. Or at least to get better at noticing what the patterns are around it.

Thing 3: on tour with the Guns N Rollers!

Here’s what I want:

Okay, so what I really, really want is a holiday.

And I know it might seem like I just had one but it’s been two Rallies (Rally!) since then, and I have been working my ass off.

Plus September is madness with the Shiva Nata Academy of Hilarity & Play, and the September Rally and the chagim.

So then I found out that GNR (the roller derby team I sponsor and do Shiva Nata with) will be in Medford, Oregon on August 20th.

What if I went somewhere near there for my holiday? Like Ashland. And then I could go to the bout and be the cheering section.

That would be awesome. And if it doesn’t happen then I want to go to Bend. Or Astoria.

Ways this could work:

Let’s see. I could:

  • talk the gentleman into going
  • plant it here
  • put it on the calendar, making it one step closer to actually happning
  • come up with an itinerary?
  • consult the Book of Me about ways to make it cheap, fun and useful.

My commitment.

Wheeeeee!

I really want to make this happen.

Thing 4: fun with the Shiva Nata destuckification and play series

Here’s what I want:

This Toozday is the first of my three part Shiva Nata series at the Playground. The series is sold-out, but you might be able to try for a drop-in at one of the classes. I’d email the First Mate and ask.

I want it to be fun, powerful, hilarious, beautiful and to happen with lots of ease.

Ways this could work:

It just could.

I can talk things over with slightly future me and ask for her advice.

I can do an OOD about it and see what’s feeling stuck, if anything, and what needs attention.

My commitment.

Dance dance dance.

Thing 5: Rallions for the 2012 Rallies!

Here’s what I want:

There’s all this stuff I want to do: to rewrite the Rally page, to make some fun, systems changes, to figure out what I’m doing differently in 2012.

But in the meantime, before we raise prices and set up the application system, I think it would be so beautiful if everyone who knows in their heart that they want to come to a Rally next year would just go for it.

It would be such fun to have happy Rallygator lists started for each of next year’s Rallies. And to start chatting on our secret page about where people might stay and what we might play with.

That’s what I want.

Ways this could work:

Not sure yet.

But I’m throwing it into the pot.

And I can ask the people in my Kitchen Table program for help, advice and support.

My commitment.

To love each Rally and love the Playground and hug every single butt-monster that lives there.

To show you guys pictures of the butt-monsters so you can appreciate their extremely adorable way of being monsters with butts.

Progress report on past Very Personal Ads.

Just to update you on what’s happened since last time.

I’d had a huge shivanautical realization about how morning begins at night so I wanted to set up a ritual for it. Done! Yes. Working. Love it.

Then I asked about obscenely ridiculous platform shoes. No movement there yet. Though I kind of have a loose idea about where to look.

There was an ask — which I forgot about, hilariously — about how I wanted to set up the Rallies for 2012. And I did! We have dates. Excellent.

Also I wanted to use my new Rally system and I did. Some tweaking involved but having it in place really, really helped with Rally #12.

And I asked for excitement for Laura and Maryann, and they’ll have to tell me how that went.

Comment zen. Here’s what I’d love today.

Things that are welcome! Your own personal ads, small or large. Updates on past ones if you like.

Leave your gwishes! Throw things in the pot!

Things we try to keep away from: the word “manifest”, telling people how they should be asking for things, unsolicited advice.

VPA amnesty applies, of course. Leave yours any time between now and next Sunday (or whenever, really) — it’s all fine by us!

xox

Friday Chicken #158: dots doing the polka are the best dots ever

by | Aug 12, 2011 |

Friday chickenIn which I cover the good stuff and the hard stuff in my week, trying for the non-preachy, non-annoying side of ritual and self-reflection.

And you get to join in if you feel like it.

Okay, this week has gone by freakishly fast.

I would totally be on strike right protesting the unfair fact that it’s already Friday, if it weren’t for the fact that I was also so happy about it being Friday. Hi, Friday!

Let’s do this.

The hard stuff

I am ready for a nap.

This week was crazy busy — with brilliantly good things — and now I am ready for someone to tuck me into bed and bring me tea.

And then I would like to not do anything for a while.

Many related projects would all like my attention at the same time.

They make clamoring sounds and then go ooooof when I’m not with them, and I have to keep reminding them about the fractal flowers.

Stupidity gives me a headache.

Someone (not you!) publicly asked someone else a mean and also not very intelligent question (not here!) that tried to belittle my work.

And I was going to respond to it but thinking about it gave me a headache, and arch, headaches. Also it’s true that not everything requires a response, but sometimes I kind of hate that.

So I just ranted to the Rallygators and made them take notes for me because I was thinking too fast, and they all giggled, and then I felt better. Plus now I have notes, so I can write a post about it at some point too.

All better now.

No more Island Time. Sadface me.

I was really loving Island Time, even if it was just metaphorical.

But it had to stop because Rally Time (which is also magical) trumps everything else.

And now I could go back but I have all this stuff to do, so there’s a conflict and I have not resolved it yet, though the monster collective are in negotiations.

Lack of firgun.

I have to write about this concept so that everyone who is not Israeli can understand what I’m talking about.

But trust me. It sucks.

The good stuff

Ohmygoodness so much good stuff this week.

Normally my chickens are pretty balanced, and I’m relieved to find out that what I thought was a depressing and challenging week was actually full of bright moments.

But this week rocked.

I am whooshing joy and tripping on delight. Also tripping over it, but not stubbing my toes.

Rally! (Rally!)

I thought nothing could possibly be as good as Rally #11, which was a pretty spectacular Rally, so I was prepared for the eventuality of everything-is-different-now.

But Rally #12 has been incredible.

Sweet, wonderful, funny, bright people to play with. Creative projectizing. Silliness and laughter.

It went by in a blur of happy.

Monsters on holiday.

Usually I spend about half of Rally talking to the monsters and half of Rally working on my project. Which is a pretty good way to do it, actually.

Especially since Rally is really about your relationship with yourself and your relationship with your projects. And how to make that relationship more about exploration, curiosity, creativity and fun.

So your project could be something like “What would make things not suck so much?” or “How can I sneak around my fear of rejection” or “Figuring out what my project would be if I had one”.

But this time — even though I was ready to monster-dialogue as necessary, my project just wanted to play and play and play with me. Monsters were all, go for it, kiddo.

Completely in the zone.

Seriously I have never been so productive in my entire life. Even for a Rally! Things were just whizzing out and finishing themselves.

In fact, I planned my entire schedule for next year, which wasn’t even part of my Rally project. And it only took two hours (last year it took eight days).

Feeling peaceful, content, happy, joyous and a bunch of other really weird things.

It’s unusual, yes. But I give it five stars.

Holy crap I bought a bathing suit. Imagine many exclamation points here.

Not just the purchasing of it but get this: I’m not freaking out about any part of it.

Even though really, what’s more traumatic than bathing-suit shopping? Somehow not traumatic this time. Incredibly.

Also you’d think I’d be a good ten years past the age at which one can make a polka-dot bikini work, but no. Cuteness.

Because my Rally project told me too.

My project has been very insistent about me having to go to Hawaii.

I don’t know what’s up with that, but it keeps coming up just relentlessly. So fine, I bought the damn bathing suit. We’ll see what happens.

And I have to say, I’m kind of liking how enthusiastically opinionated this project is. Between my joyful happy buzz and its lively plans, I think we’re going to keep having fun together.

Being alive.

Feeling very appreciative of things like breathing. And this house-for-me that is my body.

And how perfect and delicious a really good sandwich can be.

I know it’s the shivanautical buzz, but it’s really, really, really sweet.

And … playing live at the meme beach house it’s the Fake Band of the Week!

My brother and I have this thing where we come up with ridiculous band names and then say in this really pretentious, knowing tone, “Oh, well, you know, it’s just one guy.”

This week’s band is brought to you by the hilarious Shiva Nata class we had at Rally:

The Eight Possumbilities

They’re opening for that one band. Except you know what’s weird? It’s actually just one guy.

That’s it for me …

And of course you can join in my Friday ritual right here in the comments if you feel like it.

Yes? Anything hard and/or good happen in your week?

And, as always, have a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day, a restful weekend and a happy week to come. Shabbat shalom.

p.s. It’s okay if it’s not Friday anymore. There’s complete chicken amnesty — you can join in whenever (or not) and it’s no big deal.

This announcement brought to you by brain scramble pffthlalalawaaah

by | Aug 11, 2011 |

So I had a bunch of stuff to put here for you guys today.

But then we did the most there-are-no-adequate-adjectives-for-this-level-of-insanity outrageously intense and impossibly impossible Shiva Nata practice at Rally yesterday.

And it erased my brain and replaced everything in it. With better stuff.

Possibly permanently?

Which would be fine actually, because everything in there right now is seriously wonderful.

I feel like this really happy and wise version of me, who finds everything to be funny (instead of annoying), and who is secretly releasing sparkly particles of peace, joy and silliness into the world. Very very quietly.

And I’m not even really into stuff like peace and joy. So it’s a little weird.

It’s like a hum.

A big Hello-I’m-in-love sort of hum.

Anyway.

All that to say: I have no idea what we were going to talk about today.

Also I’m not sure if anything I could say will make sense because epiphanies are stupid when you tell them to people.

How insane was this class? I will tell you.

Usually…

Usually when class is heading towards the end, I ask where people are on the Scale of Flail.™

(With zero being “What? I’m not lost and confused at all!” and 100 being helpless stuttering followed by falling on the floor in a heap.)

That’s to make sure they’re all at least in the high 80s.

This time we just all collapsed in neuron-melting puddles on the floor.

Not really trademarked. That was a joke, yes?

And usually…

Usually after flailing the flail, I walk us through some happy stretching and get everyone back into their force fields and ready for stone skipping. So we’re all still in a deep state of scramble but able to do some writing.

This time I warned everyone not to operate any heavy machinery.

Also! Usually…

Usually at the evening Chicken, a few people will mention the unbelievably amazing epiphanies they had all day, thanks to the rallying and the shivanauttery.

This time, people still talked about the flood of epiphanies, but they also described feeling like happy drunks all day.

“It was as if everything was pretty and sparkly, and I was smiling at buses!”

We wrote and colored and played and hid in blanket forts, just like always. But the joy levels were very high. And the insights were very astounding.

I can’t describe what we did but of course I’m going to try anyway.

It involved using words, numbers, multiplication and addition. And legs. Mixing horizontals and verticals. And flip-its.

With your body. All at the same time.

Like this.

Okay, if position #2 is a ship and #6 is ease, and six times two is twelve, we have twelve ships filled with ease. Which flip into 4 x 8 = 32? yes, thirty two rose possibilities. Twelve plus thirty two means we have forty four ship-easy rosy-possibilities! Mirror reflection!

Or this:

If 3 is water and 7 is fluffy, that makes 21 water-fluffers, which — if we flip it — gives us 5 possoms playing soccer, for a total of 26 water-fluffing possom-sockers!

One possom.
Sailing on two ships.
On three bodies of water.
While drinking Four Roses.
With a partridge. In a pear tree.

Exactly?

We were laughing so hard that our sides hurt.

We were doing math and poetry and left brain and right brain, all while moving both hands and both feet independently of each other. Fast.

I laughed until I cried.

And I cried until I couldn’t see anything anymore through sheets of tears.

I forgot how to operate the ipod I’ve been using for the past four years.

I remembered parts of forgotten things.

I merged with numbers and dissolved into a sea of words.

Do you see what I’m saying? Probably not. But ohmygod.

So yeah.

That’s why there’s no post today. Just me feeling unbelievably joyful and radiating like a small, happy sun. And yes, I get that this is an incredibly odd thing to say.

But I do have an announcement! Thanks in large part to the shivanautical chaos yesterday which resulted in me getting about two months of work done in one afternoon.

So here is the announcing.

Part 1.

The September Rally (Rally!) is completely sold out.

Part 2.

There will be a special and extra-long Rally in November, over Thanksgiving for people who want to escape Thanksgiving.

It will be like last year’s Great Ducking Out. But longer!

I’ll get you guys a link in the next couple days.

Part 3.

We have dates! For all of the 2012 Rallies.

That still sounds like The Future to me. But it’s coming, apparently, and the dates are official.

Here they are:

  • Jan 23-26
  • Feb 20-23
  • March 19-22
  • April 23-26
  • May 21-24
  • June 18-21
  • July 23-26
  • August 13-16
  • Sept 10-13
  • Oct 15-18
  • Nov 19-23 (the 3rd year of The Great Ducking Out)

Part 4 — the especially important part!

If you’re thinking about coming to a Rally (Rally!) next year, you might want to sign up and save a place at one of these now.

Because as we get the ship ready for the coming year, part of that will mean the necessary raising of Rally prices. And we’ll also be moving to an application system.

So this is a good time to pay the old price and skip the application. Whee! Yes.

I can’t promise that we won’t do insane shivanauttery because we might (though maybe not THAT insane), but I can say that whatever happens will be important, useful, wonderful and will live in you forever.

Okay! Yes!

I have to go because everything inside is being rewritten and I have so much to write down and some safe rooms to play in, and then I’m going to dance it up but it won’t be dancing at all.

Comment blanket-fort zen for today:

Not sure. I think I would like some Hiro-sighs.

Whenever you tell her something special or meaningful to you, Hiro puts her hand on her heart and does this super-cute sweet little mmmm-ing Hiro-sigh.

I would like some Hiro-sighs for my current state of bliss-confusion (blissfusion?) and for having planned a year of Rally, and for its rally goodness.

And thank you a million times for the helpful input you’ve been giving me on words, I have been reading everything and boggling over how clever and sweet you all are. Kisses.

Postscripting to say that the official sign-up for Rally (Rally!) page doesn’t have the new dates yet but they exist. If you sign up, just leave a note in the check-out bit for the First Mate about which month you want.

Woman in search of a verb.

by | Aug 10, 2011 |

So this week is Rally (Rally!), and it’s Rally #12, and it is already the most ludicrously magical, silly and wondrous thing.

Have you ever loved something so much it makes you want to cry from happiness that it exists? That’s how I feel about Rally.

Anyway, you may have noticed how I tend to say “this week is Rally”, and not “this week I’m _________-ing Rally.”

That’s because I don’t have a verb that adequately describes my relationship to Rally.

Verbs currently applying for this position.

Except that I am not especially enamored with any of them.

Sigh.

Running.

I don’t want to say that I run the Rally. I don’t run it. I just create the culture.

Also, when I look at my personal definition of “running”, the associations I come up with are not that fun. Personal definition = this is my stuff — yours might be completely different.

For me, running =

[+exhausting] [+boring] [+stressful] [+manager] [+supervising] [+out of breath!] [+in charge of everything].

It’s being the shepherd when that’s not my role. When my role requires that I steadily, intentionally and regularly choose the option of not-shepherding.

Facilitating.

Boooooring. So boring.

Giant-robot-doing-awkward-robotic-robot-dance:

“Hell-lo. I. Am. A. Fa-Seeee-Li-Tay-Torrrrrr.”

I’m in pigtails, tights, a t-shirt with the goddess Kali wielding a machine gun, there are sparkly googly things on my head and I’m holding a duck, and the duck is wearing a beaded necklace.

Clearly I can’t be a facilitator because that — in my head at least — kind of sounds like something which might require even temporarily passing as a grown-up.

Teaching.

I actually love teaching. It’s something I feel super comfortable with because I’ve been doing it for as long as I can remember.

But Rally doesn’t get taught.

It gets transmitted and absorbed and received, but I’m not the one giving Rally or instructing people in Rally or leading Rally.

You could say that I am the holder of the Rally.

But even holding is not the right verb because the Playground (our retreat center) holds the Rally. And the culture holds itself.

I am the creator of that culture, and the person who makes sure that Rally culture is present, palpable, alive.

So I get to introduce people to the world of Rallying and everything it contains. I show them around. But Rally happens within that. I don’t make it happen.

If I metaphor it out loud for a bit…

What I’m definitely not:

Let’s see. Not a kindergarten teacher or a camp counselor.

Not a pop star. Not a guru.

Not the person who fixes things or kisses boo-boos and makes it all better.

Rally fixes things. Rally kisses boo-boos and makes it all better. The things people learn, perceive and experience while rallying turn them into the people who can meet and resolve their own challenges.

And not just resolve them, but do that in creative, playful, inspired, surprising and sometimes just brilliantly hilarious ways.

Not just by the end of Rally either. But already on the first day of projectizing.

So it might be more like this?

Like being a docent. Or a tour guide.

Or a knowledgeable, fun scholar who happens to be a friend of a friend and shows up to demonstrate how everything works and tell you about its history and origins.

If Rally were a giant secret Treasure Hunt taking place in a kooky old castle or an enchanted forest, I would be the one in the silly hat who reads the scroll of protocol and describes the traditions before we all get started.

If Rally were a gathering of friends playing a card game or a board game, I’d be a regular player but the one who runs the bank or deals the cards.

And the players would meet up in my bar. Where I set the lighting and choose the music and put out the snacks.

Let’s talk to metaphor mouse again.

If I bring in Metaphor Mouse, what are the elements of the thing that I do want?

What I want =

[+grace] [+support] [+ease] [+flow] [+sovereignty] [+freedom] [+amnesty] [+caring] [+permission] [+force fields] [+delight] [+play] [+it holds itself] [+ringing the bell] [+welcoming] [+belonging].

So I get to be the one who welcomes people into this crazy, beautiful world and shows them around, and makes sure that this world is infused with safety, comfort, love and possibility.

I am the sounder of Rally. The bell-ringer of Rally. The one whose job it is to invite Rally in and provide it the kind of setting where it can be its most sparkly and astonishing self.

So why do I need a verb?

Not having a word for my relationship to Rally wouldn’t really matter (I’m already the pirate queen, right?), except that part of my unlikely project for this particular Rally includes working on the Anthology for running Rally making Rally happen.

It’s a systems thing. Translation! Anthology = binder.

So I have this binder and it’s the Anthology of ________-ing Rally.

A Verb! A Verb! My kingdom for a verb!

Not really. But it would be nice to have one.

The Anthology of Calling Rally. Of Invoking Rally. Of Calling Rally Into Form. Of Welcoming Rally. Of Inviting Rally In. Of Translating Rally.

I don’t know.

The word education is such a lovely word.

A friend reminded me of this when I first started doing Rallies, and I was trying to figure out my role of teacher-not-teacher.

Education: generally agreed to come from the Latin root ‘educo’, which means to draw out or lead out. More root word stuff: ‘educare’ = ‘to rear or bring up’, while ‘educere’ comes from ‘ducere’: to ‘draw out from within’ or ‘bring forth’.

So education is the process of uncovering from within. Of drawing out all the amazing things that are already there.

It isn’t so much about giving people a thing as it is helping them realize they already have the thing.

But doing that in a variety of subtle and playful ways. Without necessarily saying it out loud. So that everyone who encounters what you have to teach gets to experience their own knowing. And take it with them.

For me, being an educator means providing the best possible environment for that process to happen. The safest place to play.

Play with me! And comment zen for the blanket fort.

So yeah. I still don’t have a verb.

Though I think I’m going to try calling my binder the Anthology of Inviting Rally to Play. For now.

If you want to throw out some verbs in the comments (into the pot!) or make up your own words, that’s awesome.

If you want to talk about these bigger themes (this alternative and sovereign kind of leadership, metaphorizing, creating culture, making space for discovery) or anything else tangentially related, that works too!

I would love some enthusiastic waving of flags and popsicle sticks for the beautiful thing that is Rally. And some juice.

We all take responsibility for our stuff. We don’t tell each other how to think, be or feel, because that’s how we make this a safe place to play too.

Love to all the commenter mice, the Beloved Lurkers and everyone who reads!

I need some input!

by | Aug 9, 2011 |

I need your help today, please!

Double especially if you’ve either been to a Rally (Rally!) or are thinking/gwishing about maybe eventually possibly-someday rallying with us.

I am trying to put together a collection of posts I’ve written that could be especially useful for people in the above two categories.

Useful?

Useful because they explain important things about our conscious, playful, inquisitive, sneaky, wonder-and-delight-filled approach to projectizing.

(As opposed to the prescriptive, punishing/self-punishing, ass-kicking, do-it-now, ass-in-chair ways preferred by the bigger culture).

Or useful because they transmit something how the culture of Rally works.

Or maybe they just feel useful without you having to know why.

Here’s what I’ve got so far…

The magical and unlikely thing that is Playground culture!

Projectizing and how to approach it!

Destuckification and biggification and how to approach them.

Being on Rally.

You can probably see why I need your help!

For one thing, this list is crazy-long.

I don’t know if I want to give people a giant load of recommended reading. That’s a little intense.

Maybe I need to narrow this down.

Maybe I need to divide these into “ohmygod read this” and “you might find this helpful” and other categories that I haven’t thought of yet. Thoughts?

But then I’m also probably missing a bunch of things.

What’s missing?

Anything you’d put in here that I didn’t?

Because I really just did a quick meandering through the insane archives of insanity to come up with these.

But maybe-probably there’s something that you would absolutely recommend to someone that I’ve completely forgotten having written.

Are there a top three?

For example, if I knew people were only going to read three posts to prepare for a Rally or to get into rallying mindset, I’d go with fractal flowers, following the rabbit holes and being the fox in the video game.

What would yours be?

Thank you!

Thinking through systems stuff is hard (for me).

What I would love:
Support, appreciation, ideas, enthusiasm.

What I would not love (not that you would do this):
To be lectured about why I’m going about this the wrong way.

That is all. I really appreciate your thoughts on this.

xox

The Fluent Self