What's in the gallery?
We dissolve stuck and rewrite patterns. We apply radical playfulness to life (when we feel like it!), embarking on internal adventures (credo of Safety First). We have a fake band called Solved By Cake. We build invisible sanctuaries, invent words and worlds, breathe awe and wonder.
We are not impressed by monsters. Except when we are. We explore the connections between internal territories and surrounding environment to learn what marvelously supportive delicious space feels like, and how to take exquisite care of ourselves. We transform things.* We glow wild.**
* For example: Desire, fear, worry, pain-and-trauma, boundaries, that problematic word which rhymes with flaweductivity.
** Fair warning: Self-fluency has been known to lead to extremely subversive behavior, including treasuring yourself unconditionally, unapologetically taking up space, experiencing outrageously improbable levels of self-acceptance, and general rejoicing in aliveness.
What's in the gallery?
We dissolve stuck and rewrite patterns. We apply radical playfulness to life (when we feel like it!), embarking on internal adventures (credo of Safety First). We have a fake band called Solved By Cake. We build invisible sanctuaries, invent words and worlds, breathe awe and wonder.
We are not impressed by monsters. Except when we are. We explore the connections between internal territories and surrounding environment to learn what marvelously supportive delicious space feels like, and how to take exquisite care of ourselves. We transform things.* We glow wild.**
* For example: Desire, fear, worry, pain-and-trauma, boundaries, that problematic word which rhymes with flaweductivity.
** Fair warning: Self-fluency has been known to lead to extremely subversive behavior, including treasuring yourself unconditionally, unapologetically taking up space, experiencing outrageously improbable levels of self-acceptance, and general rejoicing in aliveness.
Very Personal Ads #84: not actually a song you would have heard of.
Personal ads. They’re … personal! Very.
So my itty bitty personal ads made me realize that it’s time to make a regular practice of trying to feel okay asking for stuff.
Even when the asking thing feels weird and conflicted.
Ever since I posted the first one asking my perfect house to find me, which united me with Hoppy House, I have been a fan of the madness that is personal ads.
And now it’s my weekly ritual for clarity and remembering and stuff like that. Yay, ritual!
Let us dooo eeeet.
Thing 1: tools, and a better relationship with them.
Here’s what I want:
Okay. I’ve found that many of my Very Personal Ad asks are for things that I want but am conflicted about wanting.
Often things that could really help me with my work, but in an indirect way, or maybe it’s just that technically I don’t need whatever it is because I can make do without it.
After many monster negotiations, some of which I may share this week, I’ve realized that there are certain tools of the trade that are vital to excelling in that trade.
So I’ve been trying to pin down what my tools might be. In the hopes of feeling better about wanting them.
And get better at the complicated internal process which accompanies the external process of acquiring them.
Ways this could work:
Journaling, walking, dancing, asking smart questions.
Playing. Possibly at the Playground, a place that I have eagerly outfitted with an enormous variety of wonderful tools (because I’m okay with other people having tools!).
Maybe some metaphor mousing.
My commitment.
To notice throughout the day how tools bring support, ease and comfort into my life.
To pay attention to all the tools that I don’t necessarily stop to appreciate (power cords, toothbrushes, butter knives, tote bags, everything that helps me do what I do).
To sing silly little songs. Tool tool tool tool tooooooooooolie!
Thing 2: a few more fabulous people for the March Rally (Rally!)
Here’s what I want:
Obviously, a Rally (Rally!) is the best and most fun way to get a ton of work done and change the way you work forever. Because I can’t shut up about that.
The February Rally is full, but there are a few spots left for March.
And March is a VERY good time to Rally, for two reasons:
One, you can join me in avoiding SXSW like the plague, but not feel bad about it because you can still meet incredible people, make useful connections and party like a rock star, should you want to.
But mainly the second reason: Selma and I have booked an amazing photographer to do private sessions so you can leave the Rally with a gorgeous new headshot for your blog or website!
There are four more spots for March. I would love for the Rally and its people to find each other. Yay!
Ways this could work:
I can remember to tell people about it. Like now.
And give people the link to the Rally page. Rally!
And, more importantly, give them the link to Jillian’s page where she talks about the photo shoot part.
And put it in the Biggification Board at the Kitchen Table.
And make a point of telling people that the photo shoot is included for anyone who wants it — there’s no extra Rally tuition for this.
All of that is “in the hard”. Not sure what I want to work on “in the soft”, but I’ll dance on it and see what comes up.
My commitment.
To share my excitement and enthusiasm for Jillian and her work (I adore Jillian, and I need this too since my avatar photo is crazy old).
To spread the word about Rally in the way that Rally is: fun, playful and magical.
Thing 3: birthday rituals
Here’s what I want:
There’s still a few weeks to plan, but what invariably ends up happening is that I never plan, and then my birthday ends up being stressful instead of reflective.
So I’d like to invent some rituals. Or come up with a really good idea for a run-away-from-everything kind of weekend.
Not sure yet what this ask is about, exactly.
But it has to do with conscious, loving, light-hearted ways to mark time and to think about this coming year, in the context of what I want, instead of what I usually do.
Ways this could work:
Not sure yet. Just planting the wish. Gwish!
But if you have suggestions for beautiful, quiet places in Oregon where one might hide out while doing this, I would love that.
My commitment.
To do some serious thinking about what this past year has been about, and what I want and need.
To recognize that taking time for this and for myself is also a tool. And that I get to have tools the same way I get to have time and space.
All of this is stuff I know, but the way it is sinking in right now is new for me. So really my commitment is about taking the time to let all this percolate.
Progress report on past Very Personal Ads.
Just to update you on what’s happened since last time.
I wanted the right words for a Playground sign, and got a pretty good version. Thanks for all the suggestions!
Then resolution to the heating crisis, and while it didn’t happen exactly, we do now have a gajillion space heaters, so that’s something.
Also I wanted a new name for my R&D binder, and was thrilled about all the beautiful and creative things you guys thought of. THANK YOU!
And I had a problem that wanted and needed love and attention. It still does, but I’m pleased to say that I was able to give it a lot of my time this past week, and we are making really serious progress. I am so happy about that.
Yay, VPAs!
Comment zen. Here’s what I’d love today.
- Your own personal ads, small or large. Things you’ve asked for. Or are asking for. Or would like to ask for. Or updates on last time!
Stuff I’d rather not have:
- The word “manifest”.
- To be told how I should be asking for things.
- To be judged, psychoanalyzed or given unsolicited advice.
Wishing love and good things for your Very Personal Ads! I’m so happy to have people doing this with me.
Friday Chicken #132: a slow, bruised, triumphant return
Because it’s Friday AGAIN. And because traditions are important. In which I cover the good stuff and the hard stuff in my week, trying for the non-preachy, non-annoying side of self-reflection.
And you get to join in if you feel like it.
Well, I’ll say this much.
It was an interesting week, but maybe the first in a long time when the mix of working and playing was closer to the thing I want/wish/hope for.
I’m really glad to be here. Missed you guys this week.
The hard stuff
Dread.
It’s really my least favorite feeling.
That kind of low, watchful, pit of the stomach thing.
We had to do a lot of monster negotiating to work through that.
Stifled. Or the perception of being stifled.
There was a lot going on for me this week, some of it stuff which — for a wide variety of reasons — I couldn’t talk about here.
And even though I have complete freedom to talk about pretty much anything else, the net result was that my creative self was really not in the mood to come out from hiding.
Almost as if the part of me that was perceiving itself to be squashed/marginalized/silenced didn’t want any of the other parts to get to play.
It sucked.
I had lots of things to say, and they just wouldn’t come into form.
Having to make hard choices.
And all at once.
Saying no to things, canceling things, postponing things and revising things.
Each of which is ultimately something good for me and for the business, but the act of cutting the cords involved a long and difficult process.
Wanting to be appreciated.
Hard.
The Playground still doesn’t have heating.
And we have the Shiva Nata teacher training coming up next weekend. Stupid space heaters is not what I want (though thanks to everyone who has donated — you’re awesome!).
Yaallah.
The usual thing about horses and leading them to water.
Need to do some more creative thinking about this one.
The good stuff
A real weekend! Pineapple Upside Down days! I did it!
So you know how I’ve been wanting a wheel reekend since, oh, October?
It happened.
And it was lovely.
Two full days without internet, computering, work of any shape or form.
Thank you. Bliss.
Roller Derby!
Super fun, as always. And Portland’s Wheels of Justice beat the Detroit Derby Girls 197-75.
Nice.
Oh and then F.C. Union beat Hertha, much to the surprise (and joy!) of everyone I know in Berlin, so take that! Basically, last weekend rocked.
Being in the zone. Finally.
The Schwung! I found it. It’s back.
And I managed to be insanely productive, despite all the weird and unlikely things working against that.
Lots of clearing the decks, too.
Finished up two projects that had been hanging, and made big crazy progress on a third.
This is such an unlikely against-all-odds thing to be reporting. I can hardly believe it myself.
But stuff came together at the right place and the right time, and I’m feeling happy and relieved about that.
Outrageous shivanautical epiphanies.
Because we’re working on the Shivanautica Secret Lab, I’ve been triple-checking all the number sequences, and doing stuff way out of order.
Like, doing Level 6 twice, then Level 2, Then half of Level 5.
The moments of bing have been binging out of control.
So many huge realizations this week. It was like twenty years of therapy condensed into a few days.
Intense, but amazing. Because now so many things make sense.
Books!
Went to Powell’s and brought back a giant bag of books for the Playground library.
I’ve been reading up a storm all week.
Took the day off on Toozday.
Admittedly, the reason I couldn’t work on Toozday was hardly celebratory and actually completely depressing.
But the day I gave myself was beautiful.
Good food, good books, time in the hammock. And mostly: no pressure.
This is something that is usually pretty hard, so ten thousand sparklepoints for me.
My people being really understanding.
Even though I was making difficult changes and difficult announcements all week, my people were so sweet about it.
Everyone made allowances, and were really appreciative and helpful.
I feel so fortunate and happy when I think about that!
I worked through something that I’d thought couldn’t be worked through.
It’s a mix of exhaustion and a feeling of accomplishment.
Kind of like finishing a marathon that you didn’t really want to run to begin with, but you still feel proud and happy about being where you are.
Taking some time to appreciate that.
And … playing live at the meme beach house it’s the Fake Band of the Week!
My brother and I have this thing where we come up with ridiculous band names and then say in this really pretentious, knowing tone, “Oh, well, you know, it’s just one guy.”
This week’s band is — thankfully — not taken from my life at all.
Unfortunate Dayjob Episode
Unless running a company counts as having a day job?
Anyway, they rock hard. And, oddly enough, it’s actually only just one guy.
That’s it for me …
And yes yes yes, of course you can join in my Friday ritual right here in the comments bit if you feel like it.
Yeah? Anything hard and/or good happen in your week?
And, as always, have a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day and a restful weekend-ing.
And a happy week to come. Shabbat shalom.
The dream
Where is the treasure?
Last night I had the dream, the recurring one I’ve been having for 6 years.
Actually, I don’t even know for sure if it is a dream.
The recurring part is what happens when I wake up.
I wake up in a rush of excitement. It’s a combination of panic, astonishment and thrilled delight.
Panic at having forgotten.
Astonishment because how could I have forgotten?
Thrilled delight because now I remember.
And what I have forgotten and now remember is this:
It’s a body of work.
Or really, another part of my body of work. A hugely important piece. And it’s already in physical form, that is to say: not just in my head.
Sometimes a stack of papers, tied up with a cord. Sometimes in a binder, a box, a flash drive. And it’s been somewhere close all this time. Under the bed, in the top of the closet, in the next room.
I feel relieved. I feel frustrated. I feel bewildered. I feel angry and excited.
This is the material I’m meant to be teaching. This is the super-advanced stuff that my Year of Biggification group can work with. These are the exercises and techniques that I want to be working with on a daily basis.
It’s the next level. It’s the next piece. The natural continuation of everything I teach that’s important.
How could I have forgotten this?! What have I been doing with my time?!?
But I remember now. And now the next piece can begin in earnest.
And then I realize. There isn’t a pile, a box, a notebook, or a flash drive.
It was a dream.
Except it wasn’t a dream because I’ve been awake for this whole process.
All the same, it’s not real. Or it’s not completely real. It’s not real in this moment. And I go back to sleep.
I’ve always understood this to be the next part of work that is growing inside of me.
But it’s the treasure. It’s the secret room. It’s Level 8 of Dance of Shiva. The unknown. The impossible.
Here are the pieces in the pattern.
The flashes of connection that I have to work with:
this secret/lost body of work … the secret room … Level 8 … developing the next piece … a bigger pattern that I’m a part of … the Playground … the city I’m building in Portland … the city I’m building in my body … the book … sovereignty … Upside Down days … isolation … rebuilding
Like a television detective, I’m examining the evidence while the clues are whirling around me. They’re on index cards, on the wall, on a whiteboard, in a notebook. They are rushing in my ears and coming up to meet me.
These are the pieces. But how do they fit together?
This is the treasure. But where is it?
This is the mission. But what is the next step?
I am surfacing. I am under again. I am awake again and them it’s gone again.
This isn’t the kind of treasure you find. It’s the kind of treasure you wait for.
Or at least, you wait for the clue that tells you to begin searching again.
In the meantime, you shake the snowglobe, you do the dance, you stir things up and let them settle to reveal whatever it is they need to reveal.
The next piece is something about oxygen. But I don’t have any more to go on than that. Breathing. Trees. Water. Something. I am so close.
Being close is hard. Being close is beautiful. Beautiful and hard.
Comment zen:
I know this probably makes no sense. It is sometimes very frustrating to be able to see the patterns and not articulate them.
And I am sure that sometimes you feel the same way. Double-especially if you’re a shivanaut.
So maybe for now we can just talk about dreams.
We all have our stuff. We’re all working on our stuff. It’s a process. We let everyone have their experience, and we don’t give unsolicited advice.
We make room for being surprised. And of course there’s tea. Or booze. Whichever.
Very Personal Ads #83: ramshackle and derelict?
Personal ads. They’re … personal! Very.
So my itty bitty personal ads made me realize that it’s time to make a regular practice of trying to feel okay asking for stuff.
Even when the asking thing feels weird and conflicted.
Ever since I posted the first one asking my perfect house to find me, which united me with Hoppy House, I have been a fan of the madness that is personal ads.
And now it’s my weekly ritual for clarity and remembering and stuff like that. Yay, ritual!
Let us dooo eeeet.
Thing 1: the right words
Here’s what I want:
The Playground — the center I opened where I teach all the stuff we do here on the blog — needs some signs about turning off cell phones and things like that.
The right wording for the signs is what I want.
I’m imagining that it will be:
- descriptive, not prescriptive
- clear and sovereign
- harmonious and congruent with Playground culture
- not cheesy and without implied finger-wagging.
Ways this could work:
Let’s see.
I could write up some rough drafts and let them be terrible, and run them by my Kitchen Table program or my Board of Surprisers.
Maybe something along these lines:
Since the Playground is an especially peaceful space to be, we are working on a practice of quieting phones and other things that beep.
Or
You are about to enter an exceptionally peaceful place. Things you could do to prepare for this: take a breath, check your force field, switch off things that buzz and squeak.
Except not that. But something in that direction.
What else? I can dance on it, sleep on it, walk on it and wait for it.
My commitment.
To remember that there is no rush.
And that each incarnation of how things might be said is getting me closer to the one that will feel right.
Thing 2: resolution
Here’s what I want:
The heating at the Playground is not working. Again.
Apparently the entire heating system needs to be replaced, which is a giant production and may take a few weeks.
The owner of the building has gotten us some temporary space heaters and such, but this whole thing is a pain.
I want it to get sorted in a way that is peaceful, comfortable and actually solves the problem.
Ways this could work:
Absolutely no idea.
But I’m sure there is all sorts of aspects/elements of it that intersect with my stuff, and that’s the part I can work on.
My commitment.
To spend time in the Playground meditating on this.
To get some advice and suggestions from my mentors.
Thing 3: another name for something.
Here’s what I want:
Okay. So I have this binder of stuff I’m working on.
It’s current name is not working for me.
R&D, blah blah. Research and development, blah blah.
I either need a fun thing that R&D could mean, or another name altogether.
Ways this could work:
Brainstorming day!
Raisins & Daisies?
Rubix Cubes & Deconstruction?
Ridiculousness & Deviousness?
Suggestions are welcome, the sillier the better.
Oh, and I can metaphor mouse it, of course.
My commitment.
To not rush this.
That seems to be kind of a theme today.
Trust, patience, play.
Thing 4: I have a problem that needs a lot of love.
Here’s what I want:
To figure out ways to give myself and this situation as much love and attention and appreciation as I can, without working on it directly.
Ways this could work:
A proxy, of course!
My commitment.
To not avoid the pain and not poke at the pain and not force myself to be in the pain.
But to be at the very outer edges of the pain, and acknowledge how damn hard it is.
Progress report on past Very Personal Ads.
Just to update you on what’s happened since last time.
The first thing I wanted was noise isolating headphones. Got a ton of suggestions (thank you!), though most of them were for noise-canceling, which is the kind that doesn’t help my particular problem.
Still trying to figure out which ones to buy. But since I’m at a cafe right now hating the people behind me who are both loud and boring, this is clearly a priority.
So maybe my new ask should be more along the lines of figuring out what needs to happen, for me to go ahead with this.
The next thing was fairy lights for the Playground. Luckily, Casey volunteered some and Sonia gave a useful link. Thank you!
Then we wanted to fill a Shiva Nata teacher training spot that had opened up, and that happened quickly and easily.
The last thing was about trust. That was a huge theme this week, and I think we made some progress on that. Still in flux, but feeling good about it. Yes. Good.
Comment zen. Here’s what I’d love today.
- Your own personal ads, small or large. Things you’ve asked for. Or are asking for. Or would like to ask for. Or updates on last time!
Stuff I’d rather not have:
- The word “manifest”.
- To be told how I should be asking for things.
- To be judged, psychoanalyzed or given unsolicited advice.
Wishing love and good things for your Very Personal Ads! I’m so happy to have people doing this with me.
Friday Chicken #131: the chicken always rings twice
Because it’s Friday AGAIN. And because traditions are important. In which I cover the good stuff and the hard stuff in my week, trying for the non-preachy, non-annoying side of self-reflection.
And you get to join in if you feel like it.
Friday? Friday! How surreal is that?
I wasn’t sure whether this week would end with me having to be peeled off the floor or if it would all kind of work out in the end.
And here we are. No peeling necessary, astonishingly.
Though I do plan to spend this weekend practicing Pineapple Upside Down Days, which is my new thing. Anyway. FRIDAY!
The hard stuff
Oh, man. I need an Emergency Vacation so badly it’s ridiculous.
Is it really only February? Not June?!
Because I’m exhausted.
Kinda fell apart this week.
Monday.
Also Wednesday.
But especially Monday. Monday was bleaaaaaaaaaaargh and stupid and if it had been a person I would have kicked it in the shins.
Giant fight with someone I love.
That’s no fun.
Tried to take time off and made a giant mess of it.
The usual.
Also much hiding.
Gaaaaaaah. More repairs.
The heating system at the Playground needs to be completely replaced.
Because there isn’t enough going on.
I’m just going to have to work from home for a while and hope that everything is in place for the Shiva Nata teacher training coming up.
Tax stuff.
So far the good bits and the crappy bits of having my pirate ship be a non-evil corporation are pretty much even.
Okay. That’s not true. The good outweighs the crappy by a quite a bit.
But all I can think about now is the giant headache of doom (not a band).
And that’s with an amazing bookkeeper (we love you, Jennifer!), a dedicated Pirate CPA and also Randy the Treasure Guy to advise us.
Trying to set things up so that next year is smoother sailing, and doing that kind of systems thinking while in burnout mode is never a good idea.
The good stuff
We’re skating against the Detroit Derby Girls tonight!
Not me, of course. I’m just there to cheer.
But the bad-ass Wheels of Justice, our all-star travel team — including five former GNR girls (that’s the team we sponsor). I’ve been watching these ladies skate oer the past four seasons, and wow.
This is going to be one hell of a fun bout.
I’m crazy about Detroit, but I’ll be losing my voice for our ladies in purple.
Roller Derby! Oh, how I have missed you.
Also, Detroit has a skater called Whistler Smother. This makes me so gleefully happy I can hardly contain myself.
All the good things about being stalled.
You wouldn’t think there are any, but actually there are all sorts of great things coming out of my current burn-out phase.
I may have to write about this next week.
I did a thing that scared me, but I did it in a way that didn’t scare me.
And now it feels really good.
So yay me. Ten thousand sparklepoints.
Crayons! And books. Yay.
I bought myself a box of sixty four crayons and have been coloring all week.
This is a marvelous thing.
Also we went on a glorrrrrrious excursion to Powell’s, and I have books. Books make everything better.
It worked!
Using all the information I gathered for the Book of Me at the last Rally (Rally!), I was able to de-pile a massive pile of iguanas and doom this week.
I just followed what the Book of Me said to do, and it was the least stressful de-piling that has ever happened. In fact, I kind of enjoyed myself.
My mind. It is exploding.
Obviously I knew all that stuff we did was super useful, but I hadn’t realized how quickly having that chapter would change everything.
Friends! And getting help from friends.
Got some excellent advice from Hiro on how to experiment with this whole crazy “time off” thing.
And then my beloved Cairene came to the Playground and we worked on the kind of structures that need to be in place for me to become the kind of person who doesn’t get burnt out.
Feeling much more hopeful about everything.
Oh, and then when I had a messy, sticky, lost and confused Wednesday, Hiro gave me the best present in the entire world, both because it was the best present in the entire world and also because she told me exactly what to do with it and how.
And when you’re in that place of not-knowing-what-you-need, having someone just send you in the right direction and knowing that it’s all taken care of is just delightful.
And … playing live at the meme beach house it’s the Fake Band of the Week!
My brother and I have this thing where we come up with ridiculous band names and then say in this really pretentious, knowing tone, “Oh, well, you know, it’s just one guy.”
This week’s band comes to you courtesy of the wonderful @leannich.
Abrasive Pheasant
She says: “They’re kind of folky steampunk — and actually I hear it’s just one guy.”
Yes!
That’s it for me …
And yes yes yes, of course you can join in my Friday ritual right here in the comments bit if you feel like it.
Yeah? Anything hard and/or good happen in your week?
And, as always, have a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious day and a restful weekend-ing.
And a happy week to come. Shabbat shalom.