What's in the gallery?
We dissolve stuck and rewrite patterns. We apply radical playfulness to life (when we feel like it!), embarking on internal adventures (credo of Safety First). We have a fake band called Solved By Cake. We build invisible sanctuaries, invent words and worlds, breathe awe and wonder.
We are not impressed by monsters. Except when we are. We explore the connections between internal territories and surrounding environment to learn what marvelously supportive delicious space feels like, and how to take exquisite care of ourselves. We transform things.* We glow wild.**
* For example: Desire, fear, worry, pain-and-trauma, boundaries, that problematic word which rhymes with flaweductivity.
** Fair warning: Self-fluency has been known to lead to extremely subversive behavior, including treasuring yourself unconditionally, unapologetically taking up space, experiencing outrageously improbable levels of self-acceptance, and general rejoicing in aliveness.
What's in the gallery?
We dissolve stuck and rewrite patterns. We apply radical playfulness to life (when we feel like it!), embarking on internal adventures (credo of Safety First). We have a fake band called Solved By Cake. We build invisible sanctuaries, invent words and worlds, breathe awe and wonder.
We are not impressed by monsters. Except when we are. We explore the connections between internal territories and surrounding environment to learn what marvelously supportive delicious space feels like, and how to take exquisite care of ourselves. We transform things.* We glow wild.**
* For example: Desire, fear, worry, pain-and-trauma, boundaries, that problematic word which rhymes with flaweductivity.
** Fair warning: Self-fluency has been known to lead to extremely subversive behavior, including treasuring yourself unconditionally, unapologetically taking up space, experiencing outrageously improbable levels of self-acceptance, and general rejoicing in aliveness.
New Year’s: The Great 2009 Chicken
So normally the Chicken happens every Friday when I write about the hard stuff and the good stuff from my week. And occasionally about zombies.
But mostly what was challenging and what was fabulous.
And I try to do it in the least-cheesy and non-annoying way possible, which is hard because we are, after all, dealing with self-reflection.
Last year I did a big crazy Chicken for 2008 (in a post which, interestingly, got me more hate mail than pretty much any other post ever) and I’m doing it again for 2009.
Because hey, a little symbolic closure never hurts.
And I re-quote our Victoria here: “Unless, of course, Dec 31st turns out to be a really crappy day, in which case I will just drink more champagne.”
Something kind of bizarre that I have to tell you about first.
While I was taking time to think back over the year and everything in it, there was no doubt in my mind about what stood out as the Hardest of the Hard and the Most Good of the Good.
The hardest was missing my friend who is dead. And at the top of the good was moving into Hoppy House and having space for myself for the first time in what seemed like forever.
Until I reread last year’s post and realized: wait, that was the hard and good from then.
Maybe because they were such monumental things for me that they have turned into giant trees. Or the Fernsehturm. You see them even from great distances.
But on to 2009. The time where we get to say “This. Now.”
The hard stuff
Pain. Lots and lots of pain.
The hurt arms.
The not being able to fix the hurt arms for months and months and months.
People not being able to stop giving well-meaning suggestions about the hurt arms that just resulted in ….
More annoyance and frustration about the hurt arms that didn’t respond to stuff that worked for other people but wasn’t working for me.
Having to work at quarter-capacity because of hurt arms. Which brings us to?
Financial stuff: crises, challenges and general ridiculousness.
You know, aside from having to work at quarter capacity and to hire other people to do my work for me. But also related.
LIke the thousands of dollars that went to acupuncture, healing remedies, software, consultations and whatever else was supposed to help the hurting arms stop hurting.
Or the three new Fluent Self products which were planned for the year and never happened thanks to the hurt-ey arms.
But also stuff like running programs that didn’t end up paying for themselves. Several of them.
Loaning a very large sum to someone who couldn’t pay it back. Or even apologize for not paying it back, which would have helped.
My annual teaching trip to Germany is usually a lovely contributor to general financial well-being, except that this year it was an enormous disaster in every possible way, but especially in a financial one.
Insane internet fame (yay) meant having to move all the websites to a new server, get new expensive-er hosting and bring an on-call tech expert on board.
Some other expensive medical stuff. And an entire month when sales just disappeared for absolutely no conceivable reason. Mercury in retrograde? I don’t know. But I’ve had enough. Seriously.
Being let down.
Trust stuff. Really hard trust stuff.
The jerks who have my mail being the least of these trust breakdowns.
And people trying to make friends in order to pitch me on stuff because my duck is famous. Ew.
Routines being tested. And just being kind of in-between. .
All the traveling and changes and in-between-nesses made it hard to stick with the things that are grounding.
Like daily yoga and Shiva Nata and morning walks with Selma and the gentleman friend.
It made it harder to feel at home in Hoppy House and harder to feel at home in myself. And was just generally distressing.
Are we at the good yet? Please say we are. Ah, yes. The good.
The good stuff
Routines that held despite all the traveling.
Like weekly bread-baking.
And yoga.
And writing every day.
Plus the gentleman friend and I took up swing dancing and wheeeeeeeeeeeeee I love it!
And yeah, the traveling.
Teaching is always more fun when you do it somewhere awesome. Learning too.
This year brought me and Selma and sometimes also the Gentleman Friend to Texas (well, Austin — twice!), North Carolina (also twice!), Tennessee, New Mexico, California (once to San Francisco and once to Sacramento), Alaska, Berlin, Copenhagen, Reykjavik and Vancouver.
Awesome.
Going on vacation, twice!
Even if both times were provoked by immanent emotional breakdown.
Totally counts.
Email sabbatical!
Changed my life.
Coming up with the pirate ship metaphor.
That solved a lot of stuff for me.
Once I knew it was a pirate ship, all sorts of things opened up.
Plus working with Cairene helped create strong, supportive systems to make sure the ship is sleek, fast and unstoppable.
The Right People thing.
It was cool. I really only worked with amazing clients this year.
Also finding the Right People to help me through the hard.
Especially Hiro, who helped me do some deep, wacky spiritual work that was exactly what I needed.
Selma and I went back to teaching more live events after a long hiatus.
And loved it.
Plus we taught at Jen’s Writer’s Retreat in Taos (we’ll be there again this year), which was so much fun.
Plus I got to meet a lot of Fluent Self-ey people in person. Hooray!
The Kitchen Table.
So many beautiful things happened there. What an astonishing experiment.
So much love.
I can still come up with 77 whole things that don’t completely suck.
And I did.
Oh, being internet famous. It makes stuff good.
I used to worry about saying no to things because hey, you need people to know about your thing.
This year I turned down what felt like a billion interview requests and related things, just because I didn’t feel like it. Being able to do that — knowing that I could — was really great.
Scheduled all of 2010 before it even started.
Now that’s something that’s never happened before. It’s a weird and wonderful feeling.
Saw a lot more of Portland.
Thanks to not being able to work.
Plus we got to know our neighbors (we have neighbors!) and really, really like them.
A big exciting development that I can’t tell you about yet.
Work-related, yes?
My gentleman friend was able to break up with all his clients.
Because The Fluent Self — even in a year of irritatingly stupid financial challenges — is still kicking ass.
We were in the New York Freaking Times.
Hard to believe that was exactly a year ago.
Went to my first business conference.
And wrote about it. And had fun. And decided never to have to go to one again.
Started respecting the “I don’t feel like it” .
And came up with the dammit list.
And made it a legitimate part of how we do things. Respecting my capacity. It’s a thing.
Self-sufficiency.
We did a lot of living out of our garden this year. Made our own bread, yogurt and cheese.
And learned about reach.
Almost every program I offered this year filled up within a day or two.
Some before I got around to even announcing their existence on the blog.
Which is why the events page now has a sneakified “find out first” list.
Plus I learned that it’s possible to work at quarter capacity and the ship still sails.
Stepped into the leadership thing.
In ways that were both unexpected and really comfortable.
I can’t believe I’m saying this but I really like it here.
Yet again, the good somehow outweighs the hard.
It’s weird because in my mind I am so completely ready to be done with this year of hard. It’s reassuring to remember that it wasn’t all tears and hiding under the bed.
Fell madly in love with the color orange, much to the surprise of anyone who knows me.
This slightly burnt, very sexy, loud pumpkin-ey orange. It’s making me happy.
Okay, 2009. I think we’re done here.
And yes. The best part — of course — was this blog and all of you.
Because I like you. And yes, that goes for my Beloved Lurkers too.
Wishing you all the support, strength, sovereignty, alliteration and safety you can stand for a seriously possibility-full 2010. Love, love, love and more love.
Havi Brooks & Selma the Duck
Item! Lowering the bar makes it easier to reach your drink.
A somewhat goofy mini-collection of stuff I’ve been reading, stuff I’ve been thinking about and oh, some completely random crap.
Basically the stuff that never gets mentioned here because I’m not the kind of person who can just make some teeny little point. Not into the whole brevity thing, as the Dude would say.
Actually, I’m under the strict compulsion to write ten pages about anything on my mind. So this is me. Practicing brevity.
Item! 2009 is practically over.
Which makes this the last Item — Item! — of 2009.
But my plan is to be around with unnecessary exclamation points and a duck on Wednesdays next year too. And to be here the rest of the time talking to monsters and giving biggification advice and stuff.
Also, the title today refers to my quote of the year (yes, I’m quoting myself), which will also have to become a post at some point.
Item! Post No. 47 in an ongoing almost-every-Wednesday series that continues to amuse me, and possibly other people but really mostly me.
Item! Havi’s Surprisingly Great Finds of the year.
So. Much. Great.
And no, I’m not including any bloggishness or related internettery in this list. Because there is too much and it’s impossible to remember which internet crush on whom started when.
But my biggest non-internet 2009 obsessions are, officially and as far as I can remember, which isn’t very:
- Mr. B the Gentleman Rhymer: re-connecting Hip-Hop to the Queen’s English and straight out of Surrey.
- Everything about Slings & Arrows — the Canadian television show that was three seasons of wonder. I am enthralled.
- Ever since discovering (I know — last week!) the Carolina Chocolate Drops, I can’t get enough of them.
- The best tradition in the entire world: Zombie Yule.
- Marianne Faithfull doing the Decembrists song The Crane Wife with Nick Cave.
Mr. B is @gentlemanrhymer on Twitter.
Item! Serious exclamation points!
So yes, I like to make fun of my self for how exclaim-ey I get on Wednesdays with all these Items. Item!
But here’s someone who works the exclamation point in a way that puts me to shame.
The blog is called Sodiapop and boy is it enthusiastic. It made me smile. So that’s a good thing.
The tagline is This Blog Is To Be Read Happily. And it appears to be written by a small doll. Really, what’s not to like?
“This is a big spider!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ottawa is fun!!!!!! “
Found this by way of Andi (love Andi!) who is @annaline_39 on Twitter.
Item! One thing leads to another.
I was reading Sodiapop (see above) and it brought me to this.
Item! All things in moderation. Including moderating. Possibly.
Moderating comments: it’s just something that needs to happen. Because it’s your space and you’re trying to make it a safe experience for your right people.
Teresa Nielsen Hayden pretty much shares all of my opinions.
On the idea that people would try to “create a set of guidelines to shape online discussion and debate”:
“Uh-huh. And I’m busy constructing a bamboo-and-wicker water gate that will hereafter govern the flow of the Mississippi River. “
And:
“You can’t have a good online discussion without moderation. Every weblog out there that has good comment threads has a policy of moderating the discussion and kicking out the fuggheads.”
Agreed. I don’t moderate my own comments — I have people on the pirate crew who do that.
And when someone can’t play nice, I am willing to consciously engage if I don’t actually think they mean to be obnoxious. Or they’ll get deleted if it’s clear to all of us that they are.
But a policy? Or even a non-policy policy like the ones I have and described in the Blogging Therapy series? Absolutely.
She’ll even give you a certificate to tell off the “vexatious persons”. Awesome.
Got to this via our Caryn who also told me about Get Your Own Effing Blog, which totally made me laugh.
Teresa is @tnielsenhayden on Twitter. Caryn is @clr.
Item! Arachnophobia and other terrifying things
Loved this concise, simple, lovely post from Deanna about fear, creativity, vulnerability and spiders.
“What am I afraid of?
- I will write and no one will read
- I will write and everyone will read
- Everyone will read and think I suck
- Everyone will read and tell me I suck
- I will believe everyone”
She’s @DeannaLohnes on Twitter.
Item! I’m not the only person who makes up rituals, you know.
Eileen does it too, beautifully.
“One of my current favorites is lighting candles before we sit down to dinner every night.
It originally started because we didn’t have power in our dining room during a homebrewed electrical project. But now it’s just the thing we do before we start dinner.
Where we say this, now.
(Although come to think of it we still don’t have power in the dining room.)”
Did you hear that? “Where we say this, now.”
That is the grand summing up of ritual.
She’s @evalazza on Twitter.
Item! Oh, it hurts.
So true. This is Andrew’s sarcastic, wonderful list of how to make sure you fight at Christmas.
“Christmas is the perfect time to implement everything you’ve ever read about mindfulness, conflict resolution and being peaceful.”
Yes, I know Christmas is over (though I’m not sure that Zombie Yule is), but really this is all good advice all the time.
Also, thanks Casey for giving me this great idea about the “family aquarium tap” in the comments.
Andrew is @alightheart and Casey is @casey_cole on Twitter.
Item! Kelly’s 3-Years-In-Business Truthiness Address.
This is excellent.
“My past indicates I seem to be drawn to working with convicted felons, people in crisis, and puppets.”
You should read the whole thing.
She’s @copylicious on Twitter.
Item! Update from the land of the Peculiar & Hilarious Shivanauts!
The “peculiar and hilarious” thing comes from Melynda’s sweet bit about Butterfly Wishes.
Pearl wrote a lovely post called synapses, habits, soul.
And we had an awesome guest post on the Shiva Nata blog from Anna Barnett:
“Something is clearly happening after my practices, during shavasana. There’s the swirly, buzzy, crunchy-peanut-buttery sensation. The weirdly addictive mental fatigue. I love it.
The thing is, it’s hard for me to put up with it.”
Her post is called The Flailing. And you should read it.
That’s @AnnaBarnett and @pearlmattenson on Twitter.
Item! Comments! Here’s what I want this time:
- Things you’re thinking about.
- Something inappropriate to do for Silvester — ideally something that doesn’t involve people. Or seeing any. Because I’m not good at that.
My commitment.
I am committed to giving time and thought to the things that people say. Even though asking for what I want still feels awkward for me, I’m just going to remind myself that this is a thing I’m practicing.
That is all.
Happy reading.
And happy Blustery Windsday.* And productive releasing whatever is done for 2009. And joyful incoming 2010. See you tomorrow.
*Someone (the charming @claireofttat) asked about changing it to Balmy Windsday due to the inclement weather. I would much prefer Balmy myself but I’m not sure if I can wish you a happy one, since it is most certainly Blustery here in Portland (Snowpocolypse!).
So I’ll wish for some Balm to make the Blustery better.
Transition-ey stuff. Take 2.
So. I’m using the last week of 2009 to get some things in order. Well, at least I did yesterday.
There’s the casual “hey, this is me accounting for things”. And the “looking at the books” sort of accounting. And some “cheshbon nefesh” — which is literally soul accounting, but more of a thoughtful taking stock of what is and how you got there.
Anyway, related to all this, I’m listing a bunch of things that are on my mind in this symbolic time-of-transitioning.
Please keep in mind that if I don’t mention you as someone fabulous, it’s not because I don’t think you’re fabulous, it’s just that you aren’t on this particular list that’s going up. Not personal.
More things I’m okay with saying goodbye to.
The kind of waiting that doesn’t nourish me and doesn’t help anyone else — like when I know what needs to be done but don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings.
“Okay, guys. We’re going to have to put our heads down and power through” a la Arrested Development.
Sometimes being the person who sometimes thinks she can say completely ridiculous things like that — to herself.
The part of me who so wants to give people I like the benefit of the doubt … that common sense and equity go flying out that hole I just punched in the wall.
Structures that don’t work. Systems that don’t love me.
More things I’m committed to bringing in more of.
Permission.
Intentional not-doing.
Creative and fun collaborative adventures combined with extra just-for-me time.
Pirates.
Relating to my inner introvert with a hell of a lot more respect than she has ever been given before.
Letting my dammit list call the shots.
Non-Emergency Vacation.
Some extremely wise things I have learned from other people this year.
“What got you here won’t get you there.”
No, not that one book that I didn’t really like.
But the concept.
Working with Hiro has been so completely eye-opening, and she has consistently pointed out the enormous variety of different ways in which I trip over this exact thing.
You know, the pattern of trying to use things that have worked for me in the past, and then wondering why it’s not working now.
It’s not working now because it can’t. It’s what got me here. Which is great. And now I need something else to help me move through the next bit.
This has taught me Useful Things about the value of being flexible: knowing what to drop when. And it’s been a good reminder of the importance of having all kinds of stuff in your toolbox.
Hiro is my shining star.
“Saying no can actually be an act of kindness — for me and my business”.
Oh, Charlie. I adore you for helping me make some peace with this one.
Here are some of my scribbled notes from the class he taught at my Kitchen Table program when we were spending three months working on our relationship with time.
Apologies if I have misquoted or mis-phrased any of Charlie’s bits of genius.
“When you say no, you’re reflecting the reality of the world.
Things are limited.
To do your things well requires committing to them: saying YES to the time and energy that you have for them.
Which means saying no to other things. It’s vital.
You can still allow yourself to feel sadness over what you have lost.
Saying no is like pruning roses. It helps them grow better and stronger. Really, the only way you can have beautiful roses is to say no. The pain of loss is still there, and the comfort is knowing you have done what is best for your roses.”
So helpful for me.
“You don’t want to show up at your desk and say ‘what am I doing today?'”.
Ha. Still working on this one too. Not very good at it yet. Possibly because I don’t have a desk.
Anyway. I got this from Michael Port and I can feel the truth of it.
Really ridiculously hard to practice though.
According to Michael, you want to show up at your desk (or your couch) knowing the following:
- What you’re working on.
- Why you’re working on it.
- When it’s going to be done.
Not sure if this is necessarily the exact formula for how I want to do things. Selma and I will probably end up altering the vocabulary to fit our wacky needs.
But I do know in my heart that the running around and putting out fires way of doing things is a classic example of what got me here and isn’t going to get me there.
And that bringing more mindfulness, more loving use of the word NO, and more positive constraints (another Michael-ism) is where I’m headed.
Another favorite word from 2009.
Mmmmmm.
Capacity.
I got this from Cairene.
This year was about learning to respect my capacity.
To recognize that it is not infinite. And that it doesn’t have to be. And that the relationship between non-cheesy self-care and conscious not-doing is a big deal.
What I want more of in 2010.
Water.
Being on ships.
Endless horizon.
Hot springs.
Looking at stars.
Spending time with the seasons.
Laughing.
Reading.
Learning more about what a strong foundation for all that looks like, sounds like, feels like.
Talking to my resistance and finding out what it needs.
Comment zen. Again.
Share away.
If you want to do any of these little contemplative exercise-things yourself, you’re more than welcome to.
Or if you want to reflect or not reflect or whatever, rock on.
We all have stuff. We’re all working on our stuff. We’re practicing. Which is why we do our best to not throw shoes.
Big love. And mad Itemizing tomorrow!
Transition-ey stuff. The first.
So. Selma and I are using the last week of 2009 to get some things in order.
There’s the casual “hey, this is me accounting for things”. And the “looking at the books” sort of accounting. And some “cheshbon nefesh” — which is literally soul accounting, but more of a thoughtful taking stock of what is and how you got there.
Anyway, related to all this, I’m listing a bunch of things that are on my mind in this symbolic time-of-transitioning.
And yeah, please keep in mind that if I don’t happen to mention you specifically as someone fabulous, it’s not that I don’t think you’re fabulous — totally not personal.
The phrase I wish had been spray-painted on my office wall this year.
Ugh. It’s so completely simple that I feel stupid bringing it up.
And yet every single thing in my life would have been better this year if I’d just had access to these nine words.
“Can I get a progress report on this please?”
So many times this year I let something slide when that wasn’t the thing to do.
All because I didn’t know how to ask for what I wanted without worrying that I’d come across as bitchy, angry, nagging, domineering, whatever.
And so I would wait for the right words to show up. And occasionally they did. But more often than not they didn’t. And then I would be left feeling even more frustrated, helpless and vulnerable.
This year I’m planning on using those words a lot. I’m also going to be considerably more cautious about lending money, bringing people into my business and making exceptions.
Actually, I kind of think I’m done lending money. We’ll see what happens.
Two businesses I’m betting on for 2010.
Rebecca Prien, the attorney you have been dreaming of your entire life.
Kind. Wise. Non-sleazy. Non-scary. Works with smart, goofy, creative types. Cares about you. A lot.
She has dogs who work for her! Kind of the way Selma works with me. Plus she had a Catholic Hindu Yogini Christmas Tree for Zombie Yule.
Basically she’s neat.
And she’s offering something that is so so so needed in this world.
Her site is called Counsel to Creativity.
And she blogs. About law-related stucknesses.
I see good things for her.
Heidi Fischbach’s Aardvark creams.
First of all, Heidi is amazing.
Second, the phrase “lotions and potions for mixed-up emotions” is brilliant.
Third, this stuff is crazy addictive.
Fourth, the idea of something you can put on your body that eases anxiety? Win.
One piece of hard-earned wisdom from 2009.
You can have a lot of love for someone and still not trust them.
Some things are more subtle and more complex than we would like them to be.
My favorite word from 2009.
Oh yes.
Sovereignty.
I got this from Hiro.
I described it here as: “Sovereignty, again, is the quality of owning your space. It’s feeling so safe being you, that you can’t be shaken from yourself.”
And here as “the quality of owning your space so completely and fully that you can’t be shaken from being you. You get to be the (pirate-ey or not) queen — or king — of your own fabulous kingdom. Or queendom. Or whatever.”
But yeah. That invisible crown that lets you know that you have the right to take up space in this world.
What I want more of in 2010.
Permission. Lots and lots of permission. The kind that I give to myself.
To sleep in. To play. To release guilt. To notice patterns without judging myself for having them.
To balance playtime with naptime, innovating with resting, making with breaking.
To let myself be silly. Out loud. Online. In every corner of my life.
Comment zen for today.
Share away.
If you want to do any of these little contemplative exercise-things yourself, you’re more than welcome to.
Or if you want to reflect or not reflect or whatever, rock on.
We all have stuff. We’re all working on our stuff. We’re practicing. Which is why we do our best to not throw shoes.
Big love.
Very Personal Ads #26: sorting out the scary
Personal ads! They’re … personal! Very.
So my itty bitty personal ads made me realize that it’s time to make a regular practice of trying to feel okay asking for stuff.
Even when the asking thing feels weird and conflicted.
Ever since I posted the first one asking my perfect house to find me, which united me with Hoppy House, I have been a fan of the madness that is personal ads.
And now it’s my Sunday ritual. Yay, ritual!
Let’s do this thing.
Thing 1: walking earlier in the day.
Here’s what I want:
My gentleman friend and I have been in the habit of taking a morning walk for years.
And over the past few months it’s become an afternoon walk.
This is understandable. I get my best writing done in the morning. And I’ve been brunching* three different programs simultaneously, which has been all kinds of work.
And and and.
So right now we have this thing where I work and keep working until my gentleman friend correctly assesses that my brain is turning to mush, and promptly hauls me out for a walk, after which my spirits improve considerably.
I need the morning walk. We have to go back to the morning walk. Not that this should negate an afternoon walk. Just that the morning needs a comeback. Desperately.
* A more entertaining word for “launching”, which I always found kind of gross. Borrowed this delightful turn of phrase instantly and unapologetically from Tara the Blonde Chicken.
Here’s how I want this to work:
Oh, it would be nice if I could get back to writing blog posts a day or so early, so as not to be frantically editing the morning of.
It would also be lovely to just remember that walking is like Dance of Shiva in that the act of doing it will put me back in flow and pretty much guarantee that the rest of the day will go more smoothly.
My gentleman friend could remind me of this. Selma could want to go for a walk.
And I can use the fabulous Deguiltified Chicken Board at my Kitchen Table program that totally exists for stuff like this.
My commitment.
To remember that what is good for my body is good for everything else in my life.
To value movement, breath, earth, a glimpse of sky, reconnecting with myself over … pretty much all the other stuff.
To ask for help. To give myself permission to take my duck for a walk. To trust that this is a good thing. To practice. To not be too hard on myself if it takes a while.
Thing 2: readiness + preparation time.
Here’s what I want:
Normally I try to use the transition from December to January to get all my finances for the past year in order.
This is because I dread dread dread tax-time and all the related headaches. So this is the one thing I actually manage (sometimes, at least) to do early. To get it the hell over with.
This year because of some especially disastrous choices, unfortunate decisions and general stalled-ness, this task is made especially problematic.
I managed to do a good chunk of Sorting Out The Scary over Zombie Yule. But I’d really like some more movement on this over the next week.
Here’s how I want to get this to work:
To remember that I have marvelous resources and to use them.
To talk with Jennifer (my lovely new bookkeeping angel). A lot.
To ask my gentleman friend for help when I need help.
My commitment.
I will give myself time.
I will give myself permission to cry as much as I want.
Basically, permission to feel annoyed, frustrated, anxious, busy, stressed out, etc.
And to keep reminding myself how good this will feel in April, knowing that I don’t have to do it then.
To do whatever delightfully wacky rituals I feel drawn to in order to ground my transition into the new year.
And I’ll do them both to cheer me up and to release some of my stuckified resistance around everything that’s going on right now.
Thing 3: Flowers.
Here’s what I want:
I have this screwed up thing where I think that everything I do for myself is extravagant and unnecessary.
Working on it.
In baby steps. That’s why this week it’s about the flowers.
Ways this could work:
I could decide to buy flowers for Hoppy House.
And then to pay attention to both a. my stuff as it comes up and b. the pleasure I take in things being pretty.
My commitment.
To notice. To breathe. To smell. To practice. To let things happen in small pieces, over time, in whatever progression is necessary for now.
Progress report on past Very Personal Ads.
Just to update you on what’s happened since last time.
I asked for more love for my house. To spend more conscious time doing stuff that would help me feel like I belong at Hoppy House.
This went pretty well. I have been continuing Hiro‘s sweet morning ritual of visiting with every corner in the house.
Some ideas about what might help are showing up. And I am working on this belonging thing. Slowly, slowly.
My second wish was help with the scary pile and I am pleased to report that the scary pile is no longer a scary pile.
Somehow, some unplanned crazy fits of filing happened this week and for that I am forever grateful.
And I wanted to spend more time being a connector-mouse and bringing people and projects together. Haven’t done anything with that but I did have an extremely bizarre dream about that the night before last.
More about that when I’m ready. Also: wow. I was sure that I hadn’t made any movement on last week’s asks, but this is actually kind of reassuring.
Comments. Since I’m already asking …
I am adding to my practice of asking for stuff by being more specific about what I would like to receive in the comments. And that way, if you feel like leaving one (you totally don’t have to), you get to be part of this experiment too. 🙂
Here’s what I want (just leave them in the comments):
- Your own personal ads, small or large. Things you’ve asked for. Or are asking for. Or would like to ask for. Or updates on last time!
What I would rather not have:
- Theories about how stuff works.
- Shoulds. As in, “You should be doing it like this” or “That’s not the right way to ask for things — instead it should be like x, y and z”
- To be judged or psychoanalyzed.
My commitment.
I am committing to getting better at asking for things even when asking feels weird.
Thanks for doing this with me!