What's in the gallery?
We dissolve stuck and rewrite patterns. We apply radical playfulness to life (when we feel like it!), embarking on internal adventures (credo of Safety First). We have a fake band called Solved By Cake. We build invisible sanctuaries, invent words and worlds, breathe awe and wonder.
We are not impressed by monsters. Except when we are. We explore the connections between internal territories and surrounding environment to learn what marvelously supportive delicious space feels like, and how to take exquisite care of ourselves. We transform things.* We glow wild.**
* For example: Desire, fear, worry, pain-and-trauma, boundaries, that problematic word which rhymes with flaweductivity.
** Fair warning: Self-fluency has been known to lead to extremely subversive behavior, including treasuring yourself unconditionally, unapologetically taking up space, experiencing outrageously improbable levels of self-acceptance, and general rejoicing in aliveness.
What's in the gallery?
We dissolve stuck and rewrite patterns. We apply radical playfulness to life (when we feel like it!), embarking on internal adventures (credo of Safety First). We have a fake band called Solved By Cake. We build invisible sanctuaries, invent words and worlds, breathe awe and wonder.
We are not impressed by monsters. Except when we are. We explore the connections between internal territories and surrounding environment to learn what marvelously supportive delicious space feels like, and how to take exquisite care of ourselves. We transform things.* We glow wild.**
* For example: Desire, fear, worry, pain-and-trauma, boundaries, that problematic word which rhymes with flaweductivity.
** Fair warning: Self-fluency has been known to lead to extremely subversive behavior, including treasuring yourself unconditionally, unapologetically taking up space, experiencing outrageously improbable levels of self-acceptance, and general rejoicing in aliveness.
Item! Sponge-pants Bob!
A somewhat goofy mini-collection of stuff I’ve been reading, stuff I’ve been thinking about and oh, some completely random crap.
Basically the stuff that never gets mentioned here because I’m not the kind of person who can just make some teeny little point. Not into the whole brevity thing, as the Dude would say.
Actually, I’m under the strict compulsion to write ten pages about anything on my mind. So this is me. Practicing brevity.
Seriously? Thirty four? Man, these Item! posts … just keep on existing. It’s bizarre.
Stop being so interesting, people.
That’s your last warning.
Item! Post No. 34 in a series that allows me to shout Item! loudly in the presence of other people.
Item! Let’s bring back the zero-guilt email policy!
I’ve never made an Item! (Item!) out of one of my own posts before, but lately people have been asking what you do when half your incoming and outgoing mail is essentially apologies for not having responded earlier.
So. This is a post I wrote ages ago about my zero-guilt email policy.*
* And even though I don’t do email anymore, it still holds.
Item! Brief explanation of (one use of) Twitter. With added snark!
I laughed!
Rob uses Twitter differently than I do, but I get it. And I dig his style.
Plus, this is really a great way of breaking down the different social-media-ey sites.
“Facebook. Where I connect to the people I didn’t like in high school, college, whatever, but didn’t dislike to the point of not “connecting”. I use Facebook out of guilt.”
He’s @robsaker on Twitter.
Item! The No-Brainer Scenario!
Loved this post from Victoria about The No-Brainer Scenario:
“The next step is to start looking at the gaps between what you know about the opportunity, and your no-brainer version of the opportunity.
For every condition in your no-brainer scenario, your options are either to ask for it or not.
Whatever you decide is fine — there are lots of reasons not to ask for something.
But either way, now you know what the opportunity would need to look like in order to feel good about saying yes.”
I heart Victoria.
And I am so happy she’s officially started her coaching practice. Consider this a clear “yes, I recommend her highly” statement.
She’s @victoriashmoria on Twitter.
Item! I went to the Antelope Fair. Well, not me.
The birds and the beasts were there.
I’m getting distracted. Back to the point.
We heard from Barbara in last week’s Item! too.
But I had to put this particular post in. Because it’s so great.
Here’s what’s great about it.
She breaks all the boring “expert” rules about how your blog is supposedly supposed to stick to one topic (why?!?!) and talks about something that is meaningful for her.
Good for you, Barbara! It’s your space. Do what you want with it!
“There will be no eating of hats!”
It’s a super fun post, with lots of great pictures. I LOVED it.
She’s @barbarajcarter on Twitter.
Item! Looking for roots.
Our Emily brought back her Looking For Roots blog with this marvelous post that is about … all sorts of interesting things.
“Yes, he had shuffled off his mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin’ choir invisible.
An ex-toad.”
She’s @emilyroots on Twitter.
Item! Cheese, Gromit!
This is not really an Item! but my gentleman friend and I spend most of our time in Berlin eating or exclaiming over cheese.
Or ranking them according to our favorites and narrowly avoiding bitter arguments.
Me: This cheese has 45% fat!
My Gentleman Friend: Yay!
Me: Yay!
My Gentleman Friend: Ooh, and it has a picture of a monk on it!
Me: A happy monk?
My Gentleman Friend: A fat, happy monk! The very best kind!
Me: Because you have to watch out for the skinny ones.
My Gentleman Friend: Oh, yes. With their hawk-like noses and piercing eyes. Total bad guy monks.
Me: This cheese has 45% fat!
My Gentleman Friend: I’m in!
And in celebration of cheese in general, I must show you this. It’s a hotel, carved out of cheese.
Can’t remember who pointed me there, but it was definitely on Twitter. I mean, really! Where else could one find such things?
Also, the creature I call Sponge-pants Bob is there too, in full cheese regalia. The wrongness! And yet, on the other hand, the cheddar!
Item! Black Rainbow!
I was going to say something about this comic, but I will let Jeffrey Cheng say it, instead:
“I hope my work makes you feel something. Whether it’s love, hate, bewilderment, or repulsion.”
I’m kind of at the bewilderment part, with some love mixed in.
And I will add that my gentleman friend would probably do anything for a t-shirt featuring the second panel in this strip (12 grain revolution!)
It’s just one guy.
Item! The Biggification seminar in Sacramento is almost full.
Because I’m doing a thing (a thing!) and it’s a whole day of mad hot biggification for twelve people.
We have a pretty spectacular group of bright, interesting people so far. Ten of them, coming from New York and London and Tucson and Seattle and some other places I can’t remember.
And Selma and I will be flying in from Portland, obviously.
Anyway, if you might be one of the last two people to get in, you might want to take a look.
This way I can say I did due diligence in not completely hiding it, so as not to have to feel as bad when we take the page down.
Item! Update from the land of the Peculiar & Hilarious Shivanauts!
The “peculiar and hilarious” thing comes from Melynda’s sweet bit about Butterfly Wishes.
Interesting bits from some of my Dance of Shiva workshops in Berlin (yes, I’m still in Berlin) and why I like having a paint-spattered piece of wood as my stage.
Item! Comments!
So it was really cool the other week when I got to work on my practice of how I ask for stuff and you guys gave me the best recommendations ever.
Here’s what I want:
- Things you’re thinking about.
- Useful pirate-ey phrases.
(Edit: thoroughly non-useful pirate-ey phrases are welcome as well)
My commitment.
I am committed to giving time and thought to the things that people say, and I will interact with their ideas and with my own stuff as compassionately and honestly as is possible for me.
Even though asking for what I want still feels awkward for me, I’m just going to remind myself that this is a thing I’m practicing.
That is all.
Happy reading.
And happy Blustery Windsday. See you tomorrow.
In which I substitute interrogation for meditation.
I still can’t meditate (because of the jackhammers) and it’s kind of driving me crazy.
But in the meantime I’m replacing my usual morning practices and general Havi-wackiness with … answering questions.
Questions I ask myself. It helps me focus.
And today I’m using Jen Louden’s beautiful Life Organizer questions — the ones she’s been sharing in her Monday posts lately.
So I thought I’d put them here so — if you want — you guys can play too.
Normally I’d do five minutes of Dance of Shiva first to clear out my brain and shake loose some new understandings, but I’m in a crowded Berlin cafe in at the moment and that probably wouldn’t go over too well.
Yallah. Let’s do this.
“What is the relationship between health and self-love for me right now?”
Okay, a little linguistic backtracking before I can answer this one.
I’m not such a big fan of the phrase self-love (though the concept is pretty flipping awesome) just because it tends to set off my shoulds, which really stresses me out.
It’s just too easy for me to go straight into oh god now I have to love myself too in addition to all the other things I can’t do?!
So my personal translation for this concept is “liking myself anyway”.
And then it’s way easier for me to start with something like this:
Okay, is it possible that even though things are really hard right now, there is still some part of me that can like myself anyway? Maybe? A little?
And if not, can letting myself be where I am be a part of this whole kindness thing — as long as I don’t force myself into more kindness than I can stand?
And that usually eventually leads me back to the place where I can start feeling loving towards myself.
But yes, self-love and health: the connection. It’s there. I mean, oh, chicken egg chicken egg chicken egg. Chicken.
Each one gets you closer to the other one.
And when one of them is hurting, the other one is hurting.
For me, when I’m paying attention to one, stuff is going to go better with the other. It almost doesn’t matter which one I choose to spend time with, as long as it’s one of them.
“How could self-kindness could help me love myself more in relationship to money?
Oh. Being patient with myself would feel really kind right now.
Not having to solve all my problems at once feels really good. Permission to take a little more time even when my urgent! urgent! urgent! patterns show up … that would be nice.
Remembering that there are many different forms of support available to me (at least in theory) is pretty great too.
Saying no to things that don’t serve me is also really helpful (even when it’s scary).
Actually, I have been saying no to almost all interview requests, which is totally good for me.
But it means I have to have another conversation each time with that part of me who thinks I’m an idiot.
You know, this one:
“Oh-no-oh-no this is awful! You can’t do this. You can’t say no to these people. You’re going to end up on the street if you don’t use the biggification opportunities that you’ve been given.
So what if these opportunities aren’t in “alignment” with what’s in your heart?! What does that even mean, you stupid hippie? Do you want to be poor again? Do you want it to be like then?
So yeah. Lots of talking to fear and to walls.
But the kindness thing is good for that too.
“What resources do I want to call in this week to embody a dream, take good care of myself, or let go of something I no longer want to do?”
The qualities I want are: sovereignty, lightness, support and … my canopy of peace.
And the mind-bending transformative effects of Shiva Nata. Yes.
And my allies: they know who they are.
“What does it mean for me to be healthy?”
It means I trust myself fully and completely.
I check in with my body. It trusts me not to push it too far and I trust it to give me a clear yes or no on things. We laugh together.
It’s taking time. It’s not needing to remind myself to breathe.
It’s kindness. It’s forgiveness. It’s long walks in the park when I can … and hiding under blankets when I can’t.
It’s being genuinely curious about what I need in a given moment, and then doing what I can to meet those needs in the most patient way possible.
And if that means the answer in that moment is a cheesy 70s caper movie and a glass of bourbon? So be it.
It means letting at least part of me be appreciative of what is working, even as I allow another part of me to mourn the loss in everything that isn’t.
“I’m itching to:”
Oh! To get my schedule up for the coming year.
To make a bunch of website changes.
To announce some big things that are coming up.
To have a proper night’s sleep.
To move forward on the Next Big Thing.
That’s it.
It totally helps.
(Thanks, Jen! You rock.)
Each time I’m baffled (again!) by just how much relief I get from answering questions.
Even if the answers aren’t especially interesting to me while I’m writing them.
It’s as if the process of stopping what I’m doing long enough to interact with what’s being asked is enough.
It’s enough to give me just enough distance from my stuff to get closer to myself again.
Ooh! Do you want to play?
Yay. Play with me!
You absolutely don’t have to answer all of Jen’s questions, of course. But maybe one of them? Two of them?
Or another question altogether? Only if you feel like it.
If you like, you can share what showed up for you in the comments bit.
And, as always, the reminder that yeah, we’re all working on our stuff and we try not to step on anyone else’s.
Very Personal Ads #11: Magnificent Seven edition
Personal ads! They’re … personal! Very.
So my itty bitty personal ads made me realize that it’s time to make a regular practice of trying to feel okay asking for stuff.
Even when the asking thing feels weird and conflicted.
Ever since I posted the first one asking my perfect house to find me, which united me with Hoppy House, I have been a fan of the madness that is personal ads.
And now it’s my weekly ritual. Yay, ritual!
Let’s do it.
Thing 1: a solution to my various living situation issues.
Here’s what I want:
Dear perfect living situation in Berlin,
Let’s talk about you.
You have wi-fi. You have a landline where I can receive calls.
You are quiet. I don’t mind church bells or whatever, but jackhammers are not going to work.
You feel safe.
I feel like I belong there.
You have plenty of drawers and such where I can unpack my belongings and make myself at home.
You are affordable — or the money for you shows up when (or before) I find you.
You have a washing machine or easy access to one.
You have a mirror for me to use while practicing
I would be very happy if you were in Prenzlauer Berg, Kreuzberg, Friedrichshain or Mitte, but really, we can live anywhere within the Ring.
Hell, even outside of the Ring. Friedenau. Or even Steglitz. As long as it isn’t somewhere depressing like Pankow.
Ideally, to be able to rent you until the middle/end of October would be perfect. But even a few weeks of quiet would be good.
Here’s how this could work:
I might hear about you from one of my friends or connections.
You could somehow (but not literally!) fall into my lap.
I could stumble upon you.
I could find you on the internets.
My commitment.
My gentleman friend and my duck and I are the loveliest houseguests ever.
We will do yoga and meditate and cook wonderful food. We will be clean. We will appreciate you greatly.
We go to bed early. We don’t do parties. We will love you and everything about you.
And I will keep working on my stuff around this (namely that I’m not sure you even exist, I’m worried about hurting the feelings of the friends I’m staying with, I have mixed emotions about various aspects of this process, etc ).
Please find us. Whatever perfect simple solution exists for this, I need you.
p.s. If the other living situation issue could work itself out too? I need some help there as well.
Thing 2: Sacramento, baby.
Here’s what I want:
I still haven’t officially announced the all-day Biggification + Epiphanies workshop in Sacramento in December.
But I did mention in the Chicken that it’s finally a thing. So several spots got snapped up right away.
And now I’m kind of hoping that the whole thing will fill up on its own without me having to tell anyone about it.
I had been planning on writing a quick email to the California people (there’s a new sign-up thingie on the events page for people who want advance notice on workshops in their area).
But you know what? The people who’ve signed up so far aren’t even in California. None of them. In fact, one of them is even coming from England.
So yeah.
What I want is for this workshop to fill itself quickly and easily with my Right People. It’s a tiny workshop anyway, because there is only room for twelve.
So now it’s just a matter of saying hi, we’re doing a thing so my Right People know about it.
Here’s how this could work:
I could give a little information about the program in this week’s Item! post.
I could do a little post or email or something just saying, “Hey, there’s a thing” so people don’t get annoyed when it books up ridiculously fast.
My Right People could find it. They know I don’t do a lot of live events anyway … so the ones who need this could sense that the time is now and say yes yes yes. And then we can all get excited about it together. Wheeeeeeeeee!
My commitment.
There will be much rejoicing. I’m already ridiculously excited about this workshop since I’ve got a lot of new material. And we have an amazing space (two of them, actually).
Also the shivanautical epiphanies will be outrageously great.
And, obviously, I will madly appreciate every single person who comes. And I will get better at letting people know about events ahead of time.
Thing 3: Time.
Here’s what I want:
More time to work on my Berlin projects. I came here with two things in mind that I wanted to work on (one of them being to solidify the schedule for the upcoming year).
And the living situation stuff has been keeping me on the move and cutting down on work time and scheduling time and planning time.
So here’s my ask:
For everything to happen in the right time, space and sequence.
Or at least to trust that this is what’s happening.
Ways this could work:
I don’t know. But I’m asking for the time. Or for the patience to wait for it.
My commitment.
To use the time I do have wisely. To give myself permission to nap when I need it. To notice when my stuff comes up.
Progress report on past Very Personal Ads.
Just to update you on what’s happened since last time.
I mostly asked for things to be smooth.
So. The Berlin Shivanaut workshops have been going pretty well. I’ve taught four so far (the fifth is today), and no major complaints.
I do have some issues with certain bits, but in general the smooth has been with us.
(This totally makes me want to say, “May the smooth be with you!” In the spirit of may the force be with you. Awesome.)
Sometimes the smooth came at the last possible moment, but it has been showing up regularly and for that I am very grateful.
Also, Shiva-Nata-ing it up with people several times a week? Good times.
The other big thing was that I wanted my German to come back quickly, and it has. Things were a bit rough until the second night when it just reappeared completely while I was on the phone with Andreas.
Then my gentleman friend and I went to see The Magnificent Seven and we didn’t even notice it was dubbed in German after the first few minutes.
So yeah. Big relieved exhale there.
Comments. Since I’m already asking …
I am adding to my practice of asking for stuff by being more specific about I would like to receive in the comments. And that way, if you feel like leaving one (you totally don’t have to), you get to be part of this experiment too. 🙂
Here’s what I want (just leave them in the comments):
- Your own personal ads, small or large. Things you’ve asked for. Or are asking for. Or would like to ask for.
- Thoughts or ideas about ways any of the personal ads listed here could come true.
What I would rather not have:
- Reality theories.
- Shoulds. As in, “You should be doing it like this” or “That’s not the right way to ask for things — instead it should be like x, y and z”
- To be judged or psychoanalyzed.
My commitment.
I am committing to getting better at asking for things even when asking feels weird. I commit to giving time and thought to the things that people say, and to interact with their ideas and with my own stuff as compassionately and honestly as is possible.
Thanks for doing this with me!
Friday Check-in #58: “I must have coughed”
Because it’s Friday AGAIN. And because traditions are important. In which I cover the good stuff and the hard stuff in my week, trying for the non-preachy, non-annoying side of self-reflection.
And you get to join in if you feel like it.
In Berlin.
Having the hardest of hard weeks.
Oh, the hard. Thank goodness for the Friday Chicken or I’d have repressed the good stuff completely.
The hard stuff
EVERYTHING.
I can’t get to bed until crazy late because of the jetlag.
There’s construction at the building where we stay so I wake up to jackhammers. The noise is overwhelming.
I can’t write or do yoga or meditate, which are normally the things that keep me centered and grounded.
The tired knocks me off balance. I also have a cold, got stung by a wasp, twisted my ankle and got something in my eye.
My gentleman friend and I are roaming around from cafe to cafe all day, trying to get even a little work done.
It sucks.
Time.
I have issues with it.
Between all the traveling and the headaches and the teaching, a week went by with hardly any work getting done.
Not that I didn’t work. Because I was able to set aside a few hours a day on the non-travel days.
But the finishing things. Not very much.
Some other hard stuff that I don’t feel like talking about.
It has to do with Berlin and I’m still working on it.
Let’s just say that it’s challenging, and leave it there for now.
Change. Augh.
I know it’s part of life. I know it’s often for the better. And I really don’t want to take a stand on any side in the general discourse on gentrification.
Hell, I don’t even get involved in that conversation in Portland so I’m definitely not going to in Berlin.
So I’m not talking about the trends themselves. I’m talking about my own personal body sensation of oddness when encountering and assimilating change.
Walking around in my old neighborhood — in streets that used to be filled with mostly punks, nazis, junkies, old people and queer performance artists — and man, it’s so different.
Not surprisingly different. I’ve seen the signs of this change in every subsequent visit.
But being there now, the streets filled with trendy mommies, happy dogs, and cute little shops full of expensive … cuteness, it just feels weird.
And I’m taking my time with that.
The good stuff
The being back again part.
My gentleman friend and I spent the whole first day (not counting the day of arriving-and-crashing, of course) wandering our favorite neighborhoods.
And the second.
And the third.
Exclaiming over all the changes.
This place where I used to teach has moved! Wait, that place where I used to teach has also moved. That place where I used to do yoga is gone. But there is a new place to do yoga here. Hey, that building is blue now!
And so on.
Some stuff is still wonderfully, comfortingly familiar.
My favorite cafe? Still here. The other day my gentleman friend and I were there for seven hours straight. Love that place. Love.
Second favorite cafe? I’m there right now.
Also still here: two of my most beloved bookstores.
Dinner with Lars and Andreas.
Yay.
Teaching.
The first workshop went well. As did the course I taught for a local yoga teacher training program.
Selma is happy to be back. And she looks great in her fancy new scarf.
I got to see my best friend yesterday.
By a miraculous series of coincidences, my best friend is also in Berlin. We haven’t seen each other in years. It’s amazing.
The street smarts: still there.
I was inordinately pleased to note that I can still spot the undercover train ticket inspectors … a mile off.
Not that I would be traveling without a ticket.
Just glad to know that some life skills don’t die from lack of use.
And glad (very) that the time in my life when I needed those skills is over.
Ohmygod. Finally. Sacramento.
I’ve been insanely excited about the genius biggification workshop we’ve been setting up in Sacramento for December.
And then weird things kept happening to keep us from being able to actually tell people about it. Not an official announcement or anything, but as of today it exists. Huge relief. Huge!
The hysterically ironic stuff
The international fireworks competition? It’s in Berlin.
Remember when the fourth of July fireworks launched my post-traumatic stress stuff?
Well, it just so happens that my first week in Berlin included the four day international fireworks competition festival.
Actually eight days since there is a formal, official one and the unofficial one where (supposedly) all the cool stuff happens.
And of course it’s right nearby and it’s loud.
I have only one thing to say and that’s hahahahahahahaha. Thank you.
If anyone says anything about me asking for harmony and ease the other week, they will pay. Seriously. It’s not worth it. 🙂
And … playing live at the meme beach house!
Yes, that’s a Stuism too.
My brother and I have this thing where we come up with ridiculous band names and then say in this really pretentious, knowing tone, “Oh, well, you know, it’s just one guy.”
So this week — thanks to the genius that is Twitter — I bring you:
Prolonged Stink-Eye
Me: “And that’s why I’m not allowed to drive produce trucks.”
Robert: “I crashed into the awning of a flower shop the first day on my job delivering flowers, many many years ago.”
Me: “That’s very reassuring, somehow. I hope you were okay! And the poor sweet flowers?!”
Robert: “Oh yeah – it all turned out good; except for the prolonged stink-eye from the shop owner, but couldn’t really blame ’em.”
Me: “Glad to hear. Also … Prolonged Stink-Eye? Is that a band? Because it totally should be.”
Robert: “I bet it’s totally one of those a capella punk rock bands doing songs based on old X-Files episodes.”
Yup, it’s just one guy.
And Robert is Robert Myers aka @PostcardCopters on Twitter. Go listen to his stuff.
And … STUISMS of the week.
Stu is my paranoid McCarthy-ist voice-to-text software who delights in torturing me misunderstanding me. I can’t stand him.
- “some bigger fires say watch out for although 12” instead of some biggifiers say blah blah blah or blah blah blah
- “This last geek was all about Carmine and deeds” instead of if last week was all about harmony and ease
- “practiced a hen” instead of depressed again
- “In Toronto I supposed you” instead of to run the way it’s supposed to
- “Crumbled about Whitewater” instead of in our grumblebug whine bar
- “oh yeah, Otis” instead of I want to give permission
- “ghjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjjffgfjhfjhhhhhhhhhhklkklhhg” instead of hi (and then I think I must have coughed).
That’s it for me …
And yes yes yes, of course you can join in my Friday ritual right here in the comments bit if you feel like it.
Yeah? Anything hard and/or good happen in your week?
And, as always, have a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious weekend. And a happy week to come.
Destuckifying when the shoes are flying overhead.
So. I have stuff to say.
We’ve talked a lot here about the basics of destuckification work.
And about some of the situations that come up where our stuff gets in the way of destuckifying.
Like when people throw shoes at us, something which definitely happens.
(Or when we perceive that shoes have been thrown, which also happens.)
Situations come up, something gets triggered, and then we start disconnecting from the very things that normally help us come back to ourselves.
Here’s what I know.
1. When something happens to set off our stuff — we jump to conclusions.
2. We make it all about us. (“Uh oh, I screwed up again.”)
3. Or we make it all about them. (“Man, people are mean/stupid/hurtful.”)
4. There is definitely a progression … and it looks like this:
it’s all about me → it’s all about them → this actually has nothing to do with me → It doesn’t even affect me.*
* See #10!
5. But the progression is not necessarily linear. It’s not like you finish up with one and move onto the next one for good.
6. Most of us end up hanging out in each of these places some of the time…
7. …and there are a lot of different factors that can contribute to where you happen to be in the progression at any given moment.
8. It’s not at all a negative thing that you are where you are in that moment. It’s just where you are. It doesn’t say anything bad about you.
9. God knows I’m not perfect. And I certainly haven’t mastered this stuff yet. It’s a process.
And a bonus point (an important one).
10. I just want to be clear:
Arriving at the point where someone’s hurtful behavior doesn’t hurt you doesn’t mean that you just let people throw shoes.
You’re totally allowed to stand up for yourself and explain to people why shoe-throwing is not cool. In fact, because you know it doesn’t have anything to do with you, you feel safe and comfortable saying, “Hey, we don’t throw shoes here.”
It’s just that at the same time, you remember that this is about their stuff, that people are allowed to think what they think, and that you don’t have to interact with the ones who are into tossing shoes around.
Let’s have some examples, shall we?
Two examples from my own life from this past week.
One follows a particular kind of situation that’s come up a lot during my life. You can see how — over time — I was able to change my reactions to it because of the work I’ve been doing on my stuff.
The second one demonstrates just how many factors are involved in the ways you might possibly react to a shoe — or a perceived shoe. Even when you’ve done a ton of work on your stuff, some of these can push things way out of balance.
Situation example 1: the non-rejection rejection.
The thing that actually happened:
I was teaching a workshop. A guy got up in the middle and walked out.
What would have gone through my head four years ago:
“Ohmygod. I’m messing up. Not-good-not-good-not-good-not-good.
“I should have explained that last concept better. Is he bored? Is he miserable? Is this the worst thing he’s ever experienced? They all hate it. This is a disaster.”
What would have gone through my head three years ago:
“This is a shoe! A shoe! How dare he? What an ass.
“Clearly he doesn’t get how fantastic this material is. Doesn’t he even know who I am?!?!”
What would have gone through my head two years ago:
“Huh. I notice there’s a part of me that wants to make this about me, but you know what?
“I’m going to go out on a limb and guess that he probably has a perfectly legitimate reason for doing what he’s doing and it most likely doesn’t have anything to do with me.
“I’m definitely allowed to feel uncomfortable about this, and I will see what I can do to get what I need here, because I’m definitely noticing that I’m needing reassurance and comfort.
“I’m going to try and trust that he has gotten what he needs from this experience and that I will end up getting what I need.”
What was in my head this time:
“Alright. I’m sure there’s a good reason for this … and that it has nothing to do with me.”
(And yes, as it turned out, I was completely right.)
Situation example 2: someone telling you how they think you should react to something.
The thing that actually happened:
Someone sent a note saying that I should stop complaining about stuff because my life is at least interesting and could I please shut up already.
What actually went through my head the other day the day I hadn’t slept, was jetlagged, sick, and had been running around all day with my bags trying to find a place to stay where there weren’t jackhammers outside the bedroom:
“Nice.
“I bet if this person had also experienced abuse, poverty, being assaulted, having nowhere to live, friends killed, vodka bottles thrown at them, witnessing terrorist attacks and any of the other things that I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy … they would LOVE it if someone else told them they didn’t have the right to express their pain.
“Because ‘you have an interesting life’.
“What?!
“And even if that person was all, ‘Yay me, I have an interesting life’? So what? I’m not that person. Why should I have to be the person who can do that?
“And if this excessively critical person doesn’t like it, why can’t they go read someone else’s blog? In fact, please. Please go away and stop throwing shoes in my space.”
There may also have been some creative cursing in Arabic. Old habits die slowly.
Out of balance? Juuuust a little bit.
What would have gone through my head had I been mostly healthy and rested:
“Wow.
“This person must be feeling really frustrated when they perceive other people not expressing gratitude for what they do have.
“I can understand that frustration. And, at the same time, I also find it kind of weird that someone would actively try to change the way someone else chooses to express herself on a personal blog.
“But maybe that’s not what’s happening here. Either way, their stuff.
“The only part that’s my stuff is my reaction, and if I’m feeling a little hurt or frustrated here, I can work on my own part of this.”
What would have gone through my head had I been in top physical and emotional condition:
Well … nothing, really.
…………………………………………flatline…………………………………………
Right. It wouldn’t have even registered.
But that’s not what happened. Because guess what? Things happen. And they bring us out of balance.
There’s just no way we can always be in top form. And anyway, it’s a process.
The thing that helps. Well, one of them.
About six months ago or so, I asked Hiro what the spiritual concept or quality is that encapsulates … well, the thing I’m always working on.
You know, learning how to be the person who doesn’t give a damn what other people think.
And she said it was called sovereignty.
Sovereignty.
Sovereignty, as best I understand it (and I am not the expert on this even slightly) is the quality of owning your space so completely and fully that you can’t be shaken from being you.
You get to be the (pirate-ey or not) queen — or king — of your own fabulous kingdom. Or queendom. Or whatever.
In other words:
Your body. Your energy. Your physical space. Your emotional space. Your work. Your practice. Whatever else belongs to you. It’s all yours.
You own it. You feel comfortable in it. You inhabit what is yours and you belong there fully and completely.
It’s feeling so safe being yourself that other people’s stuff is obviously just that.
It means having the patience to interact with your own stuff with love, knowing that it’s constantly changing anyway.
And your experience of sovereignty doesn’t step on anyone else’s. It’s something that everyone gets to experience for himself or herself.
Comment zen for today.
This is a big, hard topic. It definitely deserves some follow-up posts to go deeper with some of this.
The usual caveats apply: I’m not perfect, I screw up all the time, I am where I am and … sometimes this place that I am is somewhat more impressive than at other times.
Here’s what is welcome:
- Thoughts/reactions about this process of working on stuff and learning things about how that process works.
What I would rather not have:
My commitment.
I commit to giving time and thought to the things that people say, and to interact with their ideas and with my own stuff as compassionately and honestly as is possible.