This is a big one.

I know we’ve had some kind of painful Ask Havi posts recently. In fact, more than one person has said that this blog has consistently made them cry over the past few weeks.

So apologies in advance. This is a hard question, beautifully asked. And it’s an important answer. I’m going to do my best.

Please keep in mind: this is not a complete answer. I’m sharing with you the parts that I believe could be most useful to you in your own practice.

Love to everyone on this Christmas Day (or Shenanigans Day as some of us are calling it — see the comments of yesterday’s post if this makes no sense).

A question

Hi Havi,

I’m nowhere near as eloquent as many of the people who read your blog and send you awesomely written stuff but I’m hoping this will catch your attention. If only because I am stuck beyond stuck. I am stuck squared.

With the Dance of Shiva practice and reading a lot of great blogs, I’ve been discovering a lot, but at this point I feel like I’ve dug a deeper hole and no one is around to help me out. And I just don’t have the energy, motivation or feeling that I can do it on my own.

I’ve figured out that I am very very lonely. And that many of the things I’ve done and decisions I’ve made in my life were rooted in this loneliness and trying to make it go away.

The guilt I feel for some of the things I did is always there, like plastic wrap all over my body that is making it hard for me to breathe. But most of the time, I pretend it’s not there.

The thing is, I didn’t do anything really bad, I don’t feel like a bad person but that I affected people – maybe in the wrong way – all to make myself feel better, less lonely.

You see, I don’t remember a whole lot from my childhood and what I do remember is vague and brings up a lot of yuckiness, extreme feelings of loneliness. Then I find myself saying “come on, others had it way worse than you – don’t be a victim and get over yourself already“.

I know this is a pattern and I need to be okay with where I am but ugh…stuck.

So, what I’m wondering is whether or not I need to remember stuff from my past to understand the patterns. Can we figure stuff out without really knowing what we went through exactly?

My mother told me something that happened when I was very young and I have no recollection of it at all, and it was pretty bad. She says that I don’t remember much of my childhood because I’m blocking it out, that it would be too hard for me to handle. It’s not like I was in the worst situation or anything but I just never felt I had anyone to comfort me to be there for me.

I’m afraid that if I try to remember, I will do irreparable harm to my relationship with her but I also want to move forward.

Thanks so much for your help with everything and for deciding to put yourself out there for all of us.

And an answer

Hi sweetie.  

First of all, big hug. Safety and solace and connection to you.

It sounds like you’ve got a lot to deal with right now. I’m hearing that you’re feeling a lot of pain and a lot of fear about where interacting with it could lead. 

There are really two questions here. (Well, there are more than two, but there are two I can try to answer right now.)

One is “should I try to remember the fear and pain?”

The other is “should I try to understand the fear and pain?”

These are two different things so let’s take them one at a time.

First question: Should I try to remember the fear and pain?

No. Definitely not.

I want to say this twice — at least — because it’s so important.

You do not need to remember the pain in order to heal.

You do not need to remember the pain in order to heal. This is a huge misconception.

You could have total amnesia and could still work on yourself and your patterns to the point that you’d be able to resolve your present moment stucknesses.

Without ever necessarily remembering what happened.

It is not vital that you remember it. It might happen at some point as a result of part of the healing process, but it is not necessary that this happen.

You already have the tools you need.

What’s important is that you have the tools you need right now to work on your stuff. You may not always feel like you’re able to access them, but they’re there.

You have many gifts and strengths right now, and one of the most important ones is the power of observation.

You can learn and practice the ability to gain a little distance from your pain by — paradoxically — allowing it to be there.*

You have the ability to journal and document your thoughts and feelings, to observe what triggers you and what comforts you.

You have the ability to practice being kinder to yourself. To notice which patterns are self-destructive and to remind yourself that you won’t always have these patterns.

You have the ability to give yourself permission to not remember and to not have to remember.

I’m not advocating that you try and repress it — god forbid. Just that you release any shoulds that say you need to relive it.

If a memory comes up on its own, this could be a healing experience. But you can absolutely heal without having to go back into the pain.

*These concept of getting closer to yourself through moving away from the pain, and moving away from the pain by giving it permission to be there … this is something I’ve written about quite a bit. Some stuff to read:

• The step everyone skips on the way to calming the heck down
• This is your brain on patterns
• More ways to work on your patterns

Second question: Should I try to understand the fear and pain?

Maybe.

If understanding the fear and pain is part of trying to treat yourself with love and understanding — and it’s something that’s possible for you, then yes.

It might well be that as part of this process of giving yourself love, you will get better at being able to relate to some of the pain and the fear.

You might end up with much more understanding for yourself, and if so, that’s great.

What I think you “should do”, if you’re asking me … is to practice being kind and patient with yourself. If you can. Not to force it.

But if you can stand to have a little more niceness in your life, to give yourself as much as you can bear.

You’ve been through some really hard stuff, and whether you remember it or not, some part of this experience is still messing with you. That means that part of your life work is to unravel some of the guilt and the pain and forgive yourself for being human.

What does this mean — to unravel the guilt and the fear and the pain?

I can only tell you what it means to me.

You may not know this but I share a lot of your history. The things I don’t remember. And the guilt over decisions made or actions taken later on that were based on related pain and fear.

What this means for me is that a huge chunk of my own self-work process is working through that pain and vulnerability. And the guilt.

Sometimes this means recognizing that hey, I’m afraid of things that other people aren’t afraid of and that’s okay.

I’m not going to let anyone else tell me that my fear isn’t reasonable. Of course it’s reasonable.

It’s reasonable because it’s mine. It may be temporary, yes. It may be something that I’m able to resolve, but if it’s real for me, it’s legitimate.

Sometimes this means allowing myself to be sad without knowing why. If I need to mourn something from my past, I can do that.

Sometimes it means recognizing that in this moment I am feeling too angry and too upset to be able practice forgiveness. In that case, I practice allowing myself to have this anger for now.

Sometimes it means recognizing that it really is time to forgive myself. And so I practice. If I can.

But I’m really patient with myself. I don’t ask myself for more than I can give. I ask for help when I need help.

And hugs when I need hugs. And for people to leave me the hell alone when I need to be alone.

One more point about the stuck.

You said, “I need to be okay with where I am but ugh…stuck.”

Aha! That is your clue, my dear.

You do not “need” to be okay with where you are. You are ALLOWED to NOT be okay with where you are. It is natural and normal that you are in resistance. Of course you’re not okay with where you are.

This resistance is creating the stuck. So agree to the resistance — to the fact that it’s there right now. You’re entitled to be in resistance. It makes sense that you have resistance.

All the other healing you need will come to you.

It will come from your decision right now that you’re ready for it to happen. It’s coming right now from you asking for what you need and agreeing that it’s time for things to start moving and shifting.

You don’t have to remember. You don’t have to do anything. Practicing being ready to accept kindness is enough. And if you’re not there yet, you’re not there yet.

It will come.

Love to you.

And to everyone reading. If you have something kind and supportive to share with the brave writer of this letter, I’d love it if you would share it here.

And a tiny postscript and some more links:

I know there’s a plug-in that recommends related posts, but here’s some other stuff I’ve written that might be really helpful for you to read:

• Coping with anxiety
• Disentangling those patterns
• Want an example with that?
• 5 ways to fix non-physical pain