What's in the gallery?
We dissolve stuck and rewrite patterns. We apply radical playfulness to life (when we feel like it!), embarking on internal adventures (credo of Safety First). We have a fake band called Solved By Cake. We build invisible sanctuaries, invent words and worlds, breathe awe and wonder.
We are not impressed by monsters. Except when we are. We explore the connections between internal territories and surrounding environment to learn what marvelously supportive delicious space feels like, and how to take exquisite care of ourselves. We transform things.* We glow wild.**
* For example: Desire, fear, worry, pain-and-trauma, boundaries, that problematic word which rhymes with flaweductivity.
** Fair warning: Self-fluency has been known to lead to extremely subversive behavior, including treasuring yourself unconditionally, unapologetically taking up space, experiencing outrageously improbable levels of self-acceptance, and general rejoicing in aliveness.
What's in the gallery?
We dissolve stuck and rewrite patterns. We apply radical playfulness to life (when we feel like it!), embarking on internal adventures (credo of Safety First). We have a fake band called Solved By Cake. We build invisible sanctuaries, invent words and worlds, breathe awe and wonder.
We are not impressed by monsters. Except when we are. We explore the connections between internal territories and surrounding environment to learn what marvelously supportive delicious space feels like, and how to take exquisite care of ourselves. We transform things.* We glow wild.**
* For example: Desire, fear, worry, pain-and-trauma, boundaries, that problematic word which rhymes with flaweductivity.
** Fair warning: Self-fluency has been known to lead to extremely subversive behavior, including treasuring yourself unconditionally, unapologetically taking up space, experiencing outrageously improbable levels of self-acceptance, and general rejoicing in aliveness.
Someone else’s personal ad, for a change
Hey, so remember when I wrote a personal ad, in the hopes that my ideal home would somehow find me and fall in love with me?
And that seemed like a really weird thing to do, except that whoah, I’m living there right now?
Well, my wonderful friend Kelly Parkinson has written one too. Except not for a house.
She’s biggifying her business (for which I accept partial blame!) and is looking for a collaborator-writer-type who can join her team on a project basis. She sent it to me because supposedly I know all sorts of smart, interesting creative types, and I suggested that we put it up here.
For two reasons:
1. A lot of cool people read this. Way more than if I just forwarded it to whoever I thought of first.
2. I thought it would be useful for you to see how someone else did this whole “personal ad” thing.
Actually, also because I’m crazy about Kelly. She’s a terrific copywriter and has given me so many great tips and feedback for my own writing, not to mention all sorts of other useful business advice.
She’s also a kind, caring friend — even if she did completely bully me into starting this blog, for which (just for the record) I am eternally grateful.
And she’s the one who made me realize that I’m actually good at writing. Like, business writing. That was a huge vote of confidence just when I needed it most. We love Kelly. Also her business is called Copylicious. Which is adorable.
Anyway, she wrote a personal ad.
Read it. Consider it. Pass it around.
If you write and love writing, talk to Kelly.
Wanted: Copywriter-Collaborator
I’m looking for someone smart who knows how to write and isn’t a flake.
You’re crazy about books. You collect active verbs. You obsess over the order of words in a sentence.
And you have this knack for getting people to believe in your crazy ideas. Maybe you convinced a hundred people to sponsor your charity ride. Or you persuaded investors to fund a puppet show production. Or you sell tamales.
Whatever it is, you’re interested in things. Lots of things. Maybe too many things. And it would be nice to have another income stream–and a learning opportunity–that rewards curiosity and enthusiasm.
That’s where I’m hoping we can help each other.
For the past year, I’ve been suffering from what people keep telling me is a “good problem.” My copywriting business is now taking up my evenings and weekends. I want to keep growing, but I can’t do it on my own. Enter you.
I’d like to collaborate with you, smart, non-flaky writer. You’ll get a flat-fee for each project (based on an hourly rate of $50), and also a quarterly performance bonus.
I’ll handle all the client stuff and the strategy stuff and the marketing stuff. Your job, and your only job, will be to write (and self-edit!). You’ll write websites, lead-gen emails, landing pages, white papers, and more.
This could take up to 12 hours a week of your time. Or less. Or more. Let’s work something out. I’m looking for a long-term relationship that helps both of us grow.
If you’re new to copywriting but have been writing as long as you’ve been walking, I will help you.
We will collaborate. And at the end of the day, you will get paid well for doing what you love.
Future writer-collaborator, I hope you’ll introduce yourself.
Please send an email — kp AT copylicious DOT com with:
- Your name and phone number.
- Brief description of your situation. Are you a full-time employee, a stay-at-home mom, a journalist, just someone wanting to make a change?
- Your availability during the week for copywriting projects. When are you available, and how many hours could you handle?
- The last time you were really excited about something.
- ONE writing sample (links are fine). It can be anything, as long as you wrote it and you’re proud of it. At this point, I just want to get a sense of your voice.
Thanks – and I’ll respond to your email within 24 hours!
Kelly
I can’t wait to find out what comes from this!
Honestly, I’m all tingly just thinking about it.
Between the bright, capable people who read this blog and the weird magical power of writing a loving personal ad and putting it out into the world, I have a good feeling about this.
And I hope it inspires you to write one too. An ideal job? The perfect partner? The blog readers you wish you had? The worst thing that can come out of this exercise is that you get a little more clarity around what you’d like to have in your life, and maybe some insights about where you get stuck.
I’ll report back about the Kelly situation on Friday. And if I don’t, remind me!
Friday Check-in #19: inlaws edition
Because it’s Friday AGAIN. And because traditions are important. In which I cover the good stuff and the hard stuff in my week, trying for the non-preachy, non-annoying side of self-reflection.
And you get to join in if you feel like it.
Okay, this week was kind of intense. I’m still processing. I don’t even know if I’m ready to check in on it, to be honest. But what I can totally check in on is the long weekend at the kinda-inlaws.
They’re not officially my inlaws. It’s just too much of a mouthful to say “the parents and sisters and nephews of my gentleman friend”.
Though I like saying that because it sounds like I’m German. Anyway, it was an interesting weekend.
The good stuff made the hard stuff a lot easier to take, but it still took a lot out of me.
The hard stuff
Noise level: the thing that most directly impacts my stress level.
Dogs! Cats! Five rambunctious nephews! A piano! Kids playing it! Christmas music! Geese! The volume was steady, constant and intense.
So yes, my gentleman friend and I both emerged from the weekend relatively unscathed but with splitting headaches.
And I, highly sensitive person* that I am, spent the rest of the week in hiding/recovery mode, refusing to engage in contact with pretty much anyone other than my gentleman friend and Selma.
*Sorry for the kind of sucky link. I couldn’t find a page that had a great explanation of the characteristics of Highly Sensitive People.
Hell.
The family of my gentleman friend are of the opinion that he and I are headed there, and as such they harbor all sorts of fears for our everlasting souls.
This results in all sorts of uncomfortableness.
For one thing, it is hard for me to reconcile these sweet lovely people, each one of whom I genuinely care for, with the notion that they really, truly want my gentleman friend to turn into someone else.
In fact, they want him to become someone I wouldn’t get along with at all.
Add to that the pain and sadness I feel each time I think about what it’s like for a child to grow up with that level of fear and dread. The trauma.
And then there is my sincere wish they would just let it go already. But they love him, and are genuinely worried — so this is not a likely scenario.
And the truth is, that even if they did let it go, being a huge Jew in a room full of evangelical Christians? It’s just awkward in so many ways.
Stuff I absolutely can’t say.
The sister of my gentleman friend homeschools her kids. Which is not a big deal. I am very pro-homeschooling and always have been.
It’s just that I also have a degree in History from Tel Aviv University.
So the “historical timeline” on their wall tracing “history” from Creation to The Fall to The Flood to Babel to Ancient Egypt, Ancient Greece and Ancient China …
Drives. Me. Batty.
Sure, I’m willing to accept that there are many possible interpretations of available textual data. Or to allow that there aren’t really any firm “facts” in history because of the twisted nature of historiography and our relationship to it.
In fact, I can come up with various post-modernist arguments that excuse all sorts of things. But not this.
Since it would be the height of rudeness for me to publicly react to this, I end up having this muttering dialogue taking place inside my head.
And that’s before I get around to contemplating the awful, awful set-in-stone gender roles.
Seriously, I could write a week of blog posts on my feelings about the Focus on the Family “Raising a Modern Day Knight: A Father’s Role in Guiding His Son to Authentic Manhood” audiotapes, complete with cover image of a father brandishing a sparkly, manly sword, presumably handing it over to his precious and impressionable son.
Luckily for you, I won’t.
Loss of identity. Or perceived identity. Or perceived loss of identity.
This one is messy, I know.
It’s just that — well, you spend your days having certain perceptions or ideas about yourself. Like, I’m a successful businesswoman. I’m a blogger. I live my life in the most conscious, intentional way I can with yoga and meditation and self-reflection.
Blah blah blippity blah.
And then you remember what ridiculous and irrelevant constructs these are when you’re spending three days with people who think of you as “the ladyfriend of our son/brother/uncle”.
Or, if you’re Jesse (who’s three), you think of me as “that smiley lady whose nose I like to touch and then yell BOP! and then collapse in giggles because clearly this is the best game in the entire world.” (which it is.)
But it’s weird. It’s disconcerting. It’s like, all of a sudden your entire life as you know it doesn’t exist.
No one to tell stuff to.
For example, over the weekend Selma and I got fanmail from a super famous person I’ve been admiring from afar for years.
Ooh, and I got interviewed by a journalist for a piece that’s going to be in the New York freaking Times.
But neither of these pieces of information are interesting or impressive to any of the twelve people I was sharing space with. And my phone was dead so I couldn’t even call someone who would care to say OMG OMG OMG.
Torture. Yes, I missed you guys. I know you’re all excited for me. Thank you. Which leads me … finally … to the good stuff.
The good stuff
Tea with Jane.
The mother of my gentleman friend really is the sweetest ever and I love her.
Seeing her is my favorite part of the visit. By a lot.
In fact, if I could just spend the whole weekend having tea with her, petting the (non-goose) animals and playing the nose-BOP game with Jesse, that would be pretty great.
Rolling around around the floor.
The good parts of any visit always involve much schnuggling and playing with the various dogs (Phoebe, Penny & Samson) and cats (Olive & Hobbes).
I adore them all.
And three year old Jesse who also made a shocking Declaration of Love to me and then turned bright pink. So so cute.
Citrus!
Mmmm, yes. I had not realized how much I missed that particular aspect of living in California until we arrived in Sacramento and my friend Michelle came to meet me with oranges from the tree in her yard.
Amazing.
Also the other sister of my gentleman friend has a baby orchard* and let us pick lemons and grapefruit. Pure happiness.
*I don’t mean to imply that she grows babies there, only that the orchard is very small, yes?
Sackermenno
We flew into Sacramento before driving way out into the wilderness to where the kinda-inlaws live.
In my mind, Sacramento is just that place we stayed for a while when we left San Francisco and were still on our way to Portland. But going back there made me remember that there were actually all sorts of things I loved about it.
We had lunch downtown at our absolute favorite sandwich place in the world. Dad’s Deli. I’d link to them but they’re doing that “we don’t get how the world works” thing that small businesses do. They have a website, but I can’t find it. Argh.
But anyway, we visited old stomping grounds and it was great. Everything was familiar and comfortable. It was oddly nostalgia-inducing.
Plus I got to spend a couple of hours with Michelle who is my love.
Most important thing?
We won’t be doing any of this again until next December.
Excuse me now, while I dive back under the covers return to my recovery-mode rituals for the weekend.
Oh, and an announcement:
Jennifer Hofmann! That woman! Oh, how I obsess over her.
There’s still a spot or two left in her Make Sweet Love To Your Office So That You Can Actually Feel Supported and Motivated When You’re Working thing.
Okay, that’s not what she calls it at all. That’s what I call it. Because I happen to know that the two-hour version of this class is heaven on earth.
This one is five hours of awesome. And I’m going to be there teaching some destuckification tricks with my duck. And Jen’s throwing in her Wish Kit package too.
Basically, even if you can’t make it at all, you should still try and snag the “get an hour of her time” option because you still get an hour of her time (I’ve hired Jen before and wow) and the Kit for just under a hundred dollars. Which is ridiculous.
It’s TOMORROW. I hope I’ll see you there.
That’s it for me ….
And yes yes yes, of course you can join in my Friday ritual right here in the comments bit if you feel like it.
Yeah? Anything hard and/or good happen in your week?
And, as always, have a glorrrrrrrrrrrrious weekend. And a happy week to come.
8 ways to have a seriously unpleasant conversation
Clearly you’re going to have to finally talk to that person about that thing. You know you are. And really, it could not be more uncomfortable.
You didn’t want to have the conversation to begin with — but now you have to and you’re dreading it. Bleargh.
Your stomach is all knotted up. Or maybe it’s your throat that’s feeling tight and constricted. Either way, your body is being pretty darn clear: “please don’t make me do this!”
What a pain. And there seems to be no way around it. You’re going to have to have the talk.
So how about eight ways to guarantee that you’ll screw it up completely and make the whole situation way, way worse than it has to be?
Maybe even as bad as you’re imagining … ugh.
Aren’t you glad you hang out here? I thought as much. Here we go.
8 tips to ensure this encounter is as awful and miserable as possible.
Always say “I feel” when you mean “I think”.
For example, “I feel like we’re not communicating.” Or, “I feel like you don’t understand me.”
Or, “I feel like you’re basically being a complete asshat.”
It’s good to be imprecise. Mixing up thoughts or judgments with emotions keeps relationships alive. You definitely want to make sure that no one knows for sure what you’re talking about or how to respond to it.
Say “I think” when you mean “I feel”.
Keep your cards close to your chest. Instead of connecting with real emotions, keep it all as cerebral as possible.
For example, don’t say “I feel frustrated and a little anxious when you say that I’m not ready for this new level of responsibility — because I’m really needing to know that I have your respect and trust.”
That’s way too honest. Instead say, “I think you’re wrong.” Or, “I think you should give me a chance.”
In fact, stay in your head altogether. Go nowhere near your heart.
If you stick only to saying “I think this” and “I think that”, the other person will be able to refute those points and you’ll be able to drag out the conversation so that it’s both longer and way more awkward.
You’ll think one thing. They’ll think something else in response and before you know it you’ll be in a nose-to-nose knock-down argument.
Or maybe you’ll be pretending everything is okay and then crying in the bathroom, it depends on your personal M.O.
Perfect.
Make sure you don’t start connecting to your heart because that could end the conflict much too early. You might even end up saying something really gentle that doesn’t hurt the other person’s feelings at all.
For example:
“You know, I’ve gotten so much from working with you, and now, after I took the time to meditate on our work relationship and asked my heart where we go from here, the information I got was that it’s time to restructure it. My heart says it’s time to step back and take a break and process all the useful information I’ve learned from you.
Of course I would never want to hurt your feelings, so I’m feeling kind of nervous about bringing this up, but that’s kind of where I am right now.”
Wow. If you said something like that, they wouldn’t be able to argue with you at all. They’d probably just ask you some questions and give you a hug, and then the conversation would be over. You certainly don’t want that.
Luckily, the next tip gives you an out if you’ve messed things up by being too centered, grounded and compassionate.
Give the other person way more information than they could possibly process or use.
Instead of telling them what your heart needs (which might result in meeting that need and resolving the situation), overload them with information.
Carefully enumerate each and every reason and thought-process that has been keeping you up at night. List all their flaws and the things they’ve done wrong that have made you resent them even though you used to like each other.
Everyone likes “constructive criticism”, especially when a situation hasn’t worked out just because two people happen not to be the right fit for a certain thing at a certain time.
They’re sure to want to know exactly why you have been avoiding this conversation, as well as every single thing they’ve done that has gotten on your nerves at some point.
Don’t do any prep.
Don’t waste any time breathing slowly or doing acupressure or using a couple of my Emergency Calming Techniques.
Just spend a couple sleepless nights agonizing over the whole thing, have a large glass of bourbon right before you’re about to have the talk, and then tear right into it.
It’s like pulling off a band-aid. So much easier that way, don’t you think?
Don’t do any alignment exercises.
For example, don’t bother thinking of ten things the two of you have in common, and writing them down.
You don’t want to start identifying with them and feeling empathy.
You certainly don’t want to be like a client of mine who did this, and then discovered accidentally that both she and the person she was avoiding talking to share all sorts of really unique and inspiring qualities.
In fact, she remembered that both of them were really gifted at seeing the way around stressful situations — turned out they were able to find the possibilities and the potential opportunities in any challenge.
My poor client ended up realizing that this person might just be the best possible person in the world to have this particular kind of uncomfortable conversation with. Then she totally stopped wanting to throw up.
Awful, right? Ugh.You don’t want to be her.
Don’t mention what you need.
And don’t bring any attention to it if it comes up either. Stating needs is for pussies.
You don’t want to give the other person a way to start identifying with you and wanting to meet you halfway.
Even worse, you might end up asking yourself for some patience and compassion.
From there it’s a slippery slope to even more awful, embarrassing things. Like being willing to like yourself even though you’re a human being who makes mistakes. Please, let us never speak of this again.
Don’t read these articles
I’ve written a bunch of stuff about communication and relating to people, god knows why. I was probably drunk on yoga or something. Ignore all of it.
Specifically:
- Recovery from a criticism hit and run
- A communication breakdown and an emergency calming technique
- 6 tips for dealing with uncomfortable situations
- Bubble bursting joy suckers and what to do about them
- Curing phone call dread
- Book recommendations for resources that help with conflict and communication breakdown situations
That’s all I’ve got.
Good luck with that.
[Ed. Oh for the love of all that is good. You try and take one lousy day off and then your duck writes your post. Note to self: keep Selma away from the computer.]
Item! Many exclamation points!
A somewhat goofy mini-collection of stuff I’ve been reading, stuff I’ve been thinking about and oh, some completely random crap.
Basically the stuff that never gets mentioned here because I’m not the kind of person who can just make some teeny little point. Not into the whole brevity thing, as the Dude would say.
Actually, I’m under the strict compulsion to write ten pages about anything on my mind. So this is me. Practicing brevity.
There’s only so much heavy stuff we can talk about here.
Wednesday is — apparently — the day we let it all hang out.
Or something.
Anyway, exclamation points! Many of them!
Item! My duck is an acronym!
Okay, she isn’t really but the delightful Jeff Moriarty was being goofy at the local bar (aka Twitter) and made one up.
And I quote:
The little yellow one perched on @Havi’s shoulder is her Social Enabling Little Market-based Attractor (SELMA).
This has been making me chuckle all week. I expected Selma to at least glare at me balefully when I teased her about it this morning but I swear, it’s like water off her back.
Item! The internet is cool!
My post about going around the pain inspired this terrific post from a blog you should all be reading.
The blog is called The Secret Life Of Wormhill, which is a terrific name for anything, and the post in question is called Dancing around/with pain.
She takes the concept I was talking about and moves it from the emotional level to the physical level, demonstrating perfectly how it applies equally there too.
This, my friends, is Fluent Self principles in action. This is that thing I’m always going on about in the group programs. If you want to make effective life changes it helps to combine techniques for each of five levels: physical, energy, emotional, mental and awareness.
If a certain principle or an idea works for one level, it can be used on all the other levels with great success.
I’ll stop boring you now with theory, constructs and yoga philosophy. The important point is that this woman intuitively recognized something in a concept, and then went and applied it successfully to a different level. Read the post.
Item! I made it out of clay! ♪ ♫
(sings)
“I had a little Vespa, I made it out of something something … and when it’s dry and ready, oh somewhat louder than a BMW it shall be thumping …”
Yes, I am a card. But back to the point. I don’t know what circumstances came about to produce the Vespa menorah but ohmygosh. That is bizarre.
No, I don’t want one, but I will still remind you that I am the proud owner of a discount code that Jennie gave me and is letting me share. It’s HAVIBFF and gets you 15% off whatever you order from their store of gorgeous stuff (until December 31).
Off topic (but aren’t we already off topic?): Shannon Wilkinson has a hysterical Hannukah song that she made up. I am incapable of seeing her without forcing her to sing it for me at least twice. Read her blog and maybe she’ll sing for you too.
Item! Revolutionrz is the most ??? word in the entire world.
Okay, so I’m a big huge slobbering Michael Port fan as everyone knows. And yay for him for launching this new online community thing.
I’ve been curious as to what this will look like ever since he mentioned it at that ridiculously awesome training weekend back in September. Which, by the way, is transforming my business like crazy.
Oh how my duck and I love that man and his genius concepts that allow us to grow this thing while staying somewhat sane.
But MyRevolution? And Revolutionrz? Argh. Why did no one consult me on this?!
Item! Someone gets it!
Here’s a woman who has been using the Procrastination Dissolve-o-Matic for a while, and now she’s using the principles behind it as a way to make peace with her not-yet-existent yoga practice.
She’s moving towards doing the yoga, in a way that’s beautiful and inspiring.
Instead of doing what most of us would do (“I said I’d do a thing but I haven’t done it yet and therefore I suck”), she turns it around completely.
In fact, she takes the not-doing-yet judgment-ey stuff and turns it into part of her practice. Brilliant.
So instead of not doing and beating herself up, she’s not doing it yet, and working on her stucknesses with love and patience. She’s bringing conscious awareness into her life, in a non-cheesy way. It’s super impressive.
Anyway, go cheer for her. And be happy for me too. Seeing people take what they’ve learned from me and apply it to everything else in their lives? I can’t think of anything better.
Item! Hang out with me this Saturday!
Five hours of making peace with the piles in your office and bringing some inspiration and order into your workplace. But in a non-scary way with the most gentle, compassionate person I know. And me. And my duck.
If you hang out here you’ve heard me mention Jen Hofmann and my gushing adoration for her.
She’s helped me work through all kinds of stucknesses in my business that were happening because the way I was processing incoming information was just not helpful. Which made me hate work. Which started a whole awful cycle.
We like Jen. She’s smart and funny and really, really kind. But not in an annoying way or anything.
Anyway, this class is going to be amazing. I’ll be teaching some Emergency Calming Techniques, and she’ll be teaching us how to totally reconfigure our relationship with how we work.
Not to bully you, but you need to do this if you can. I’ll shut up now but really, I think you should sign up for the class this Saturday! I’m not getting any money for this or anything. I’m donating my time because this is something I really believe in.
That’s it.
No more exclamation points. I’m done exclaiming. And making points.
Selma and I will only write pointless (tee hee) things from now on. But as a wise man once said, “You don’t have to have a point to have a point!”
Yes, that was an exclamation, but it was a quote. Work with me on this.
Blogging therapy: But I’ll never be popular!
Hard to believe but we’re already at number ten in our weekly series about taking the scary out of blogging.
But not really just blogging. Blogging is a Useful Example. The “deconstructing the elements that compose your fear so you can rewrite your patterns” part is relevant for whatever else you’re working on, too.
If you feel like catching up (zero obligation, of course), here’s the rest of the series:
Part 1. What if people are mean to me?
Part 2. What if I throw a party and no one shows up?
Part 3. Why even bother when there are already other people doing it better?
Part 4. What do I saaaaaaaaaaaaaaay?
Part 5. Help! Perfectionism! Gaaaaak!
Part 6. But I’m not an EXPERT!
Part 7. Don’t make me be vulnerable!
Part 8. I just don’t have the time!
Part 9. What if someone READS what I wrote?
But it’s not like I’ll ever be popular anyway!
(So why even bother, right?)
Oh, this is a big one. Maybe even one of the biggest.
I haven’t heard this much about “popularity” since high school, but yeah, apparently a lot of people out there blogging it up (or thinking about maybe getting around to it) still want to be popular.
This is usually where I empathize with you and hand out hugs and we all work on allowing our pain to be here, but I’m skipping that part today.
Three points. Two being the ones that I want to make, and one being the one that you’ll actually use (skip to point three if you have no patience for my hippie crap).
Point 1: It’s the internet, people.
The internet is a big, big place. There is always room, room, and more room.
Yes, the thought that you will never be as popular as Dooce might seem to you to be a perfectly good reason to throw in the towel, and yet I can promise you that there are people all over the internet who have never even heard of her.
And they wouldn’t understand what the big deal was if they had.
Or … even though I happen to know that there are plenty of bright, creative talented people bemoaning the fact that they aren’t as popular as me and my duck (and I know this because some of them write to me to tell me so), so what?
Do you know how many people have no idea whatsoever who I am? Tons of them. They’re everywhere!
Find some of those people and be popular with them!
Seriously, though. It’s not about popularity for its own sake. It’s about you and your right people and the space you build around what you do.
That space is yours. It’s where you get to feel at home. That’s what’s important — both personally, and even (if this applies) for your business.
The truth is, in a certain sense “popularity” is meaningless on the internet. There are thousands and thousands of tiny little pockets and communities. Or Tribes, if you’re a Godin-ite.
This is one of them. Find yours. And if you can’t find it, build it.
Point 2: This is the whole external legitimacy thing again.
We’ve talked about releasing the need for outside legitimacy so many times that I kind of hesitate to bring it up again. But it’s important.
Because if you don’t start actively, consciously paying attention to these patterns, you could spend your whole life waiting for everyone else’s approval and feeling like crap when you don’t get it.
And that would be the saddest thing ever.
You are the one who gets to decide whether something has value or not.
If people love it, yay. If they don’t, oh well. Not your right people.
But — ideally, yes? — neither of those should be the thing that determines whether we get to have a good day or not.
Obviously this is a concept that flies much more easily in theory than in any kind of reality. Because ow, it hurts. And because yes, I want people to like me too. Normal.
So I don’t want you to think that I’m finger-wagging or anything. Of course we get hurt feelings. Of course we want everyone to love us and cheer us on and never be mean — ever.
It’s just that ultimately we can’t determine how other people are going to react to what we say and do. All we can do is bring our attention back to our own patterns. And keep working on releasing the need for outside legitimacy.
So the next time you catch yourself getting caught up in the “who’s more popular than me” game, you can take a breath and notice that hey, you’re doing it again.
Point 3: Okay, fine. I’ll tell you how to be popular.
If you want popularity, go get it.
It’s work, yes, but it’s not as hard as some people would have you believe. There’s a formula. A model. You can follow it.
You know how Black Hockey Jesus went from being nobody to what he is now? How he was getting 1500 page views a day within about two months? I shall tell you.
a. He hung out on every single mommy/daddy blog that people go to and commented up a storm. Smart, snarky, mysterious comments.
b. He emailed all those people and said he thought they were cool, flattered them and asked them questions.
c. He reached out.
d. Jenny the incomparable Bloggess mentioned him on her gig at the Houston Chronicle and that was it.
Yes, people kept reading because he’s bitingly funny, wonderfully bitter and has a keen sense of timing. Because he allows himself to be his own goofy, wacky self. And because he is not constrained by little things like physics or the space-time continuum or the way other people do things.
But that’s not how he got known. He didn’t sit under a rock twiddling his thumbs (which is more difficult than it sounds so don’t try this at home, kids) waiting nervously for people to show up. He drummed up an audience.
Some of them went running away in shock and horror. Some drew unattractive conclusions about him based on his screwy pen name and somewhat oddly-titled blog.
The ones who stayed got rewarded by awesomeness.
I’ve read every single thing he’s posted. Me and the other couple thousand people who hang out there each day. He’s deserving of his popularity, for sure. But it didn’t just show up.
He’s worked his little hockey jesus butt off to get there.
Anyone can follow that model. Anyone with a tiny percentage of the talent, wit and charm that you have.*
*And don’t tell me you don’t have it. Because it doesn’t matter anyway.
My advice:
Recognize your patterns when they come up. Figure out what needs you’re trying to fill with this whole popularity thing.
I can’t remember who said this, some yogified person who isn’t showing up on Google, but the wisdom holds, whoever said it:
“Seek not what you yearn. Seek the source of your yearning instead.”
In other words, if you’re wanting to be popular (whatever that means for you) and you’re feeling resentment around not being there yet, there’s a need in there. It might be about love. Or about wanting acknowledgment. Or about safety.
So give yourself those things. Find ways to fill the deeper need first instead of doing what the rest of us do and obsessing over subscribers or ways to improve your stats.
Then start looking for your people. Start creating your space. Turn on your light so we can find it, and begin to make a comfortable spot for your own crowd to congregate.
And then go out and take active steps to connect with your right people.
Black Hockey Jesus may be a nut and a kook and one of my favorite people, but his popularity isn’t an aberration. It doesn’t need to be.
There’s no reason people shouldn’t be flocking to you too. As long as you want us there and we’re invited.
That’s all for now.
More blogging therapy next week. We’ll deal with whatever got triggered today then, I promise.
And of course Selma the duck and I will be here tomorrow writing about something that doesn’t have anything to do with blogging. Or therapy.
Also: here’s a “don’t worry, the blogging therapy series isn’t ending yet, I’m just thinking ahead” request:
If you’re one of the many people who have either started a blog, revived a blog or restructured your blog because of this series, send me an email and let me know if I can feature your stuff (i.e. throw some love your way) when we close this thing.